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  #1    
Old September 10th, 2009, 01:32 PM
A Pixy's Avatar
A Pixy
Skipping over water.
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: The Great Northern Nation of Canada
Gender: Male
Nature: Bashful
Kinda of got the basic idea from バクフーン so, hats off to you.

PROLOGUE

It was a dark and grim day... The sky was dark in a thick overcast. Ash was standing in his backyard looking at the grave of one of his best friends, a friend who has been with him thru thick and thin. He was trying to hold in his tears, but they found a way out. Faster and faster every moment. He had passed away this morning, Ash didn't know why and he didn't want to know or be reminded of it.

'Here lies Pikachu, a friend, a teammate, like a brother'

The actual funeral was hours ago, but Ash continued to just stand there, for three hours on end. And that's when it began to pour, quickly and heavily. It was a seriously depressing thing to look at to be honest. And that's when Ash heard a familiar voice, coming from behind him. Ash turned around to see Misty, carrying an umbrella

"Ash..." Misty said," You have to come in, you'll catch a cold."

"He's gone Misty," Ash said as his voice began to crack," He's gone forever..."

And he just let the tears run down. And that's when Ash felt someone's arms around him,

"It's okay Ash...” She said in a comforting voice,” I know your hurt and I am too. But you can’t stay out here forever, there are people who care about you.”

Ash did not reply, hell, he didn’t even seem to show any emotion, he just picked up Misty’s hands and took them off of himself, and turned to face Pikachu’s grave, and sat down where he once stood. There was a long and depressing silence, which was broken by the crash of lightning,” Ash?” She said in a sad tone. Ash did not answer. Misty realized that she couldn’t get him to move, reluctantly walked back to the house.

Last edited by A Pixy; September 11th, 2009 at 08:33 AM.
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  #2    
Old September 10th, 2009, 04:12 PM
D. Lawride's Avatar
D. Lawride
Audi Famam Illius, Scriptor!
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Lusolandia - I kid, Portugal
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
It has a minor rushed look upon it, since you didn't put dialogs in separate lines, but was still a pretty moving start, I've got to commend you for that.

As I said, though, try making more line breaks between dialogs. It'll have not just a cleaner aspect but also easier way to understand the story itself.
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  #3    
Old September 11th, 2009, 08:33 AM
A Pixy's Avatar
A Pixy
Skipping over water.
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: The Great Northern Nation of Canada
Gender: Male
Nature: Bashful
Quote:
Originally Posted by D. Lawride View Post
It has a minor rushed look upon it, since you didn't put dialogs in separate lines, but was still a pretty moving start, I've got to commend you for that.

As I said, though, try making more line breaks between dialogs. It'll have not just a cleaner aspect but also easier way to understand the story itself.
It has a moving start, mostly because I fail at beginnings that don't start with some kind of scenarios XD. Thanks for the critique, I'll do my best to fix my mistakes.
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Old September 11th, 2009, 09:01 AM
Buoysel's Avatar
Buoysel
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Kansas City
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Quote:
Originally Posted by ONEPIECEPWNS View Post
Kinda of got the basic idea from バクフーン so, hats off to you.

Um... I didn't even know I helped, but glad to do it. I fell all warm and bubbly inside now.

And Pikachu dead o.O wow.

I don't have anything really to help you out except maybe that its a little on the short side, but hey it still works out pretty well.
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Old September 11th, 2009, 11:39 AM
A Pixy's Avatar
A Pixy
Skipping over water.
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: The Great Northern Nation of Canada
Gender: Male
Nature: Bashful
Quote:
Originally Posted by バクフーン View Post

Um... I didn't even know I helped, but glad to do it. I fell all warm and bubbly inside now.


What you said that inspired me to write this was your comment on the Poke Sting, you know, that really old fanfic I wrote which was a parody of an episode of Futurama? You said this:

Quote:
Either way, it was certainly interesting. (I have always wanted Pikachu to die, but his trainer is good enough.)


So, I took that concept and messed with it and now it is what you see before you.
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Old September 11th, 2009, 12:32 PM
Buoysel's Avatar
Buoysel
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Kansas City
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Quote:
Originally Posted by ONEPIECEPWNS View Post

What you said that inspired me to write this was your comment on the Poke Sting, you know, that really old fanfic I wrote which was a parody of an episode of Futurama? You said this:

[/FONT][/COLOR][/Size][/B]

So, I took that concept and messed with it and now it is what you see before you.

Wow, that was a long time ago.

Um yeah, I was more like hopping that he would just disappear, but hey,we all have to explore out inner sadism at sometime or another.

I do like the idea of Ash finding another Pokemon to carry around all the time, so I will be back to read up on this fic once more is posted.[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT]
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Old September 18th, 2009, 08:33 AM
A Pixy's Avatar
A Pixy
Skipping over water.
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: The Great Northern Nation of Canada
Gender: Male
Nature: Bashful
CHAPTER 1

The next morning…

Misty’s Point of View

The light of the sun began to shine on my face causing me to wake up. Normally, I would have just ignored that and went back to bed, for the love of god, it’s six AM. But I remembered that Ash was still probably out there, mourning of the death of one of his best friends. It was pretty depressing just thinking about someone you cared about being in terrible pain. I stayed in the Ketchum’s guest room that night, Ash needed the comfort of a close friend and Brock had gone to be his parents’ luggage boy on their vacation so he couldn’t come.

So, I tiptoed down the steps, trying not to wake anyone to check on Ash when I saw that someone was already down there. Delia, Ash’s mom. I was quite shocked to see her, as her eyes were completely bloodshot. She must have been staying here all night,

” Mrs. Ketchum, have you been here all night?” I asked.

She subtly nodded,” I couldn’t sleep,” She whispered,” Knowing my baby is out there. You know, they say you can feel someone’s pain if you truly care about them. But I’ve only seen Ash every now and again and it seems like you’ve somewhat taken my place.”

“I couldn’t have Ms. Ketchum.” I replied

Delia got up from her seat and placed her hands on my shoulders,

“Tell me Misty,” She said,” Can you feel Ash’s pain?”

There was an eerie silence right afterwards. And the realization that, I could? I wasn’t ever really sure about my feelings towards Ash, but if what she’s saying is true…

“Yes.” I replied,” Does this mean-“

“That’s something that you need to find out on your own Misty.” And she walked back to where she was sitting, picked up two plates with a helping of waffles on each one and handed them to me,

“Here, take one for Ash and the other for yourself.” She said

Ash’s POV

I had a rather rude awakening as I was softly pushed causing me to completely tip over and hit the ground, which woke me up. I sat back up cracked my neck and my back and looked to the person who woke me up. Misty. Carrying waffles? Thinking about it now, I didn’t eat anything yesterday, I’m starving,

“Your mother made these for you and I.” She said as she handed me one of the plates

“Tell her I said thank you.” I replied somewhat happily followed by me letting out a big sigh,” You know Misty. We could both die at any given moment, and there isn’t anything we could about it.” I turned to face her,” Don’t you think we should both get everything off of our chest as soon as possible?”

Misty’s POV

A perfect opportunity to tell Ash how I feel, staring me straight in the face. But then again, how many times has this happened. Then again, Ash’s right, I need to tell him right now. And that’s when saw Ash stand up, crouch down and fling himself upward shouting,
”I LOVE YOU MAY!”

CHAPTER 1 END

In case you didn’t know, I was totally winging it.
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