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  #1    
Old July 25th, 2009 (02:26 PM).
Snitch
How long, how long?
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: In your fridge.
Gender: Male
Wahey, second post, second thread. With new members comes new stories, and what better than to come from me. A lot of people tell me they 'envy my writing skills'; being the modest soul that I am, I just tell them that I'm nothing great. But, considering I've heard that you get more upper-class reviewing over here, I've decided to give it a shot. Hope you have a great read. Enjoy.
~~~

The pitter-patter struck the glass as the rain tumbled out of the regulatory grey clouds, deeming the sky as their own and coating the blue in an angry shade of grey, partly descending the area itself into the darkness. Had it not been for the gap that the sun could push its rays through, it might well have been night. The end of the beam struck against the long, brown hair of a young girl. This young girl is the source of our story; our protagonist, as some might say.

Felicia was her name, and she watched the Elekid play, her eyes full of envy at her brother’s creature’s dancing ways, as it prowled through the garden, trying to attract strikes of lightning. It spun around and around, the odd yellow antennae on its head vibrating in the hopes of a shock. However, for the moment anyway, none came, but this didn’t kill the Elekid’s behaviour. Felicia sighed, pushing her finger against the glass and sliding it down.

“Marcell, I want to go outside. How come Elekid gets to go outside?” She said to her brother behind her, her eyes still focused on the yellow and black blur through the rain-coated window. Marcell sighed; lowering his book for what he thought was the millionth time, resting it on the glass table. He was used to the curious ways of his sister, who was four years younger than him, and was also used to explaining her countless questions and fantasies.

“I’ve told you a lot of times now, Feli, Elekid likes the thunder. He’s just trying to sort of ‘recharge himself’. You know, like you recharge your torch.” He told his little sister, and she replied, yet again, with an “Ohhhhhhh,” like she had the multiple times before that evening. Sighing, he leant back into the armchair once more, picking up his book on electrical Pokémon – he wanted to learn as much as he could about them, as electric was his favourite type. What page was I on again, he thought before remembering. Ah, yes, Mareep.

Felicia giggled as a rush of yellow electricity darted from the grey above, spiralling into Elekid, making him spin around looking incredibly dizzy. Slowly, the low rumble of the thunder outside disappeared, and Elekid got up, looking a lot happier, and began to dance again, causing Felicia’s laughing expression to turn back to one of pure jealousy.

Then, another bang was heard, but no lightning came down. Felicia heard her brother leap up, and she turned, mildly inquiring, “Marcell, why didn’t any lightning come down?” Marcell was already running towards the door at the end of the vast library. “Where are you going? What’s—“ Her last words were silenced by another bang, and Felicia was pretty sure now it wasn’t coming outside. She ran to the end of the library to meet with her brother, his blonde-haired head sticking through the door. He turned to Felicia, and she was pretty sure she saw a tear in his eye. “Marcell, why are you—“

“Not now, Felicia! We have to go. Come on. Quickly, get your coat and your lunchbox, come on, come on!” Moments later they were outside in the rain, running through the woods, Elekid following them. Felicia repeatedly asked why they were leaving mum and dad, but Marcell didn’t reply, every time she asking only looking back to see if they were being followed. Finally, they stopped in the middle of the forest, Marcell gathering some scarce timber and pulling it together, Elekid shocking it to form a fire. It burned brightly, the flames dancing off the trio’s faces in the darkness.

“Yum, smells good,” Felecia said as Marcell cooked two sausages on the fire. He still looks sad, she thought, not really knowing why. Regardless, the sausages were ready moments later and the two tucked into a feast. Felicia always said that that night Marcell has cooked the best sausages ever. That night. That horrible night, filled with the worst, and something good just so happened to come out of it. It didn’t equalise the events of the evening though, no way near.

“We’re going to live away from mum and dad now, Felicia,” Marcell told her that evening before they slept, finally answering her question. “Mum and dad…they’ve gone away…so they told us to go and look after ourselves, make some new friends, you know.” Felicia nodded in response, not understanding really, but her curious mind still buzzed questions.

“Where have they gone?” She asked Marcell, and it took a moment for him to answer.
“They’ve gone away…and I don’t think they’re coming back.” He replied, his eyes welling with tears again. She inquired on, not done.

“Oh. Will we never see them again?” She asked him, and he shook his head. “Never-ever?” She replied, her eyes widening with shock. He shook his head once more. “Never-ever-nev—“

“That’s enough, Felicia! Now go to sleep, and don’t talk anymore!” Felicia hung her head, and eventually collapsed into her sleeping bag, sound asleep.
~~~
So, yeah, comments/ratings would be great, and thanks for reading if you did.
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  #2    
Old July 26th, 2009 (04:24 PM). Edited July 26th, 2009 by Dagzar.
Dagzar's Avatar
Dagzar
The Dreamer
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my dreams.
Gender: Female
Nature: Relaxed
Hi! It’s time for a review! :D

First, to get the negative side of my review out of the way, there were a few moments in the story that made me pause.

Quote:
The pitter-patter struck the glass as the rain tumbled out of the regulatory grey clouds-
Okay, this sentence doesn’t make much sense since it sounds like the pitter-patter was hitting the glass, not the rain.

Quote:
Had it not been for the gap that the sun could push its rays through, it might well have been night.
Maybe this is just me, but if it’s all stormy outside, enough for lightning to be present, I doubt there’d be any sun in sight

Quote:
“Not now, Felicia! We have to go. Come on. Quickly, get your coat and your lunchbox, come on, come on!” Moments later they were outside in the rain, running through the woods, Elekid following them. Felicia repeatedly asked why they were leaving mum and dad, but Marcell didn’t reply, every time she asking only looking back to see if they were being followed. Finally, they stopped in the middle of the forest, Marcell gathering some scarce timber and pulling it together, Elekid shocking it to form a fire. It burned brightly, the flames dancing off the trio’s faces in the darkness.
The way the scene where Felecia and Marcell were running was written, it seemed like they only ran for a few minutes before they stopped to camp. Maybe you could have expanded that more and shown Felecia asking where their parents were instead of just saying it.

Another thing that bugged me was how Felecia didn’t understand that their parents were dead and her acceptance to the idea that she and her brother were going to live on their own. While I don’t know Felecia’s age, her attitude suggests that she’s pretty young, and while that’s fine, it makes me question how the brother (being only four years her senior) seems so mature.

Other than that, I really like the story. I adore your description in the first part and I could picture the events in my mind with hardly any trouble. I love how you characterized Elekid and I definitely understood Felecia’s jealousy since Elekid sounds like such a cute Pokemon.

I’m very curious to why Felecia and Marcell’s parents died and I will be looking forward to your next chapter.
__________________
"After being saddled with two ten-year-old brats and being sent out on her long overdue Pokemon journey, she can’t help but wonder… is it worth it?"
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  #3    
Old July 28th, 2009 (11:00 AM).
BUG♥CATCHER★BREEZE's Avatar
BUG♥CATCHER★BREEZE
Lurker from the deep
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Nature: Bashful
Upper class reviewing, well one does speak the Queen’s English! Well, I’ll do my best. :D

Quote:
The pitter-patter struck the glass as the rain tumbled out of the regulatory grey clouds, deeming the sky as their own and coating the blue in an angry shade of grey, partly descending the area itself into the darkness.
This sentence is confusing. You obviously wrote it avoiding pronouns (or am I getting the wrong end of the stick) so Felicia could be introduced later.
Firstly, sentence just runs on way too much. First, I think could be spilt it into two or even three sentences and it would run much better. Also, as Dagzar said, ‘pitter-patter’ doesn’t make that much sense as a noun, even though I assume you were using a metaphor.
The sentence needs to overhauled. As it is the first sentence it has to be good, to capture the reader’s attention. In my case, I had had to read it a few time to understand it.

Okay, I wrote too much about that sentence, but it really did confuse me.

Quote:
Felicia sighed, pushing her finger against the glass and sliding it down.
She’s inside? (Or carrying around a window pane). You did mention Elekid was in the garden, so I assumed Felicia was too. You could be been a bit clearer, I don’t know…? It threw me.

Quote:
“Marcell, I want to go outside. How come Elekid gets to go outside?” She said to her brother behind her.
With all the fancy adjectives describing the rain, its odd you didn’t describe how Felicia talked. I think you could of use something like ‘implored’ or ‘pleaded’.

Marcell’s departure seemed a little rushed (pardon the pun). For what is the most dramatic part of chapter, you would go further in description. Felicia’s confused, so perhaps does the begin to hyperventilate, rummage madly for her lunchbox? You could go into greater detail and add a little description or even just describe a bit more about their trip in the woods. I can’t think of much off the top of my head, bit this is the wilderness. Perhaps she finds it hard to run in whatever kind of shoes she is wearing? Does her hair get tangled in the wind? Can she hear Hoot-hoot calling in the woods? Or some narrative bias? What does she think of the woods.
Just thing about these kinds of things, and the reader will have a better idea about what’s going on.

By the way, what is she wearing apart from a coat? Jeans? A white blouse? A frilly baby-blue dress? Same for Marcell. Also, their ages. I think Felicia is younger than ten, and Marcell is a teenager. Even if this is true, you might want to mention it in your next chapter to be on the safe side.

Quote:
It burned brightly, the flames dancing off the trio’s faces in the darkness.
I like it, lovely sentence.

Other than that, I have to say that I really like your fic. Are you new to writing?

It already has lovely characterisation the first chapter (I notice a lot of people fail to do this), in the way Felicia is the naïve little sister, who loves playing outside, and Marcell as the studious (if not slightly crazy), and acts on impulse brother. Also, Elekid is just like them, instead of being just some creature that fights.

Also, the plot has intrigued me. The reader want to know Marcell’s motivation for suddenly abandoning the house on a stormy night? Why doesn’t he want to see his parents again? Has this been stored up for a while?

Anyways, I have an actual question for you. Where the parents in the house at the time (or away)? Or as Dagzar said, dead. Have we jumped to conclusions?

Good luck. This is a story I’m going to keep an eye on!
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