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  #1    
Old November 4th, 2009, 07:37 AM
God-of-Halloween's Avatar
God-of-Halloween
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The LighDark region.
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
BEFORE YOU START READING THE STORY, KEEP IN MIND THAT I AM DISPLAYING NO OFFENCE TO THE ARCEUS FANS. I MYSELF DON'T LIKE ARCEUS, WHICH CAUSES HIM TO BE THE MAIN BADDY OF MY 'LEGACY' STORIES.

Chapter one: abandoned.
I open my eyes, slowly getting up from my lying position as I hold the back of my head tenderly, which feels like a Snorlax has been sitting on it.
Ow. That must seriously hurt. I look around my surroundings, unsure of where I am. This desert seems familiar, but maybe it's because of my aching head.
I spot a familiar figure lying in the sand, and not one I was wanting to see too soon, either. I walk over to him, and kick him. Not hard, but certainly not softly.
"Arceus. Arceus! Oi! Wake up, will you?"
Arceus slowly climbs to his pointed stump-like feet.
"Uhn...what happened? Legacy?! What do you want? Wait, where are we?"
"I was hoping you would know. Heh, not that a fool like you would know anything."
Arceus scowls in disgust.
"You're as cocky and disrespectful as ever."
"I'll never change, heh heh."
Then, a churning and what seems like an earthquake begins to happen.
"A-an e-e-earthquake in the d-d-deser-er-ert?!"
"I-impossi-i-ible! T-the sand is an A-a-aquisute S-s-solution!"
We stare in awe as a huge brown Caterpie emerges from the sand and, holding a gigantic microphone in one of its suction pods, begins to sing 'Bonkers' by Dizzee Rascal. What kind of name is Dizzee Rascal anyway?!
It's not even spelt right!
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  #2    
Old November 4th, 2009, 10:39 AM
Mizan de la Plume Kuro's Avatar
Mizan de la Plume Kuro
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Airstrip One, Oceania
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I haven't done a review in a while now so bear with me. XD

Where to start. Corrections in red, and comments in bolded red parenthesis. I'm terrible at commas so that, I can't really comment on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by God-of-Halloween View Post
Chapter one: abandoned.
(Usually, it's a good idea to seperate the chapter title from the rest of the fic)
I open my eyes, slowly getting up from my lying position as I hold the back of my head tenderly, which feels like a Snorlax has been sitting on it.
Ow. That must (I'm not sure why he's refering to his injury in the past-tense when clearly, he's feeling the pain in the present tense as shown by the 'ow' at the beginning.)seriously hurt. I look around my surroundings, unsure of where I am. This desert seems familiar, but maybe it's because of my aching head. (Not sure why you separated this paragraph)I spot a familiar figure lying in the sand, and not one I was wanting to see too soon(well yeah, terrible at commas but still I wonder why that comma was there in the first place) either. I walk over to him, and kick him. Not hard, but certainly not softly.
(separate paragraphs and speech by skipping a line)
"Arceus. Arceus! Oi! Wake up, will you?" Arceus slowly climbs to his pointed stump-like feet.

"Uhn...what happened? Legacy?(Even though he may be shocked, it is grammatically incorrect to use both a question mark and exclamation mark together) What do you want? Wait, where are we?"

"I was hoping you would know. Heh, not that a fool like you would know anything." (even though I said that dialogue and paragraphs should be separated, something that happens directly after speech does not need to be separated by a line unless it's a dialogue by a different character) Arceus scowls in disgust.

"You're as cocky and disrespectful as ever."

"I'll never change, heh heh." (I recommend denoting laughter by action instead of dialogue but I see it as a personal preference.)

Suddenly(I think suddenly is a better choice to denote something happening suddenly), a churning and(I'm not so sure about the word churning. I would recommend rumbling but the sentence sounds nicer if you just remove the underlined part. In my opinion of course) what seems like an earthquake begins to happen.

"A-an e-e-earthquake in the d-d-deser-er-ert?!"

"I-impossi-i-ible! T-the sand is an A-a-aquisute S-s-solution!"

We stare in awe as a huge brown Caterpie emerges from the sand and, while(The word 'while' or else it's a comma splice I think.)holding a gigantic microphone in one of its suction pods, begins to sing 'Bonkers' by Dizzee Rascal. What kind of name is Dizzee Rascal anyway?(I'm not sure about this sentence because it has to many commas and not enough full-stops. But, then again I'm terrible at commas so unless someone helps me with this, I'm stuck.)
It's not even spelt right!
Overall, one positive aspect of your writing is that you don't have any spelling mistakes. I'm not so fond of your sentence construction and choice of words though. Work on it to make it flow better by expanding your vocabulary. A good way to do this would be by reading books or other fanfiction.

Also, you don't have any dialogue tags.
Dialogue tags eg.
"I'm going out for a while." shouted Legacy.
This is a dialogue tag. Note that the word directly after the dialogue does not have the 'beginning of sentence capitalization' unless it is a 'Proper Noun'.

One last thing. I'm sorry if you think that I'm being harsh or made you look stupid but this is how it goes. This is constructive criticism and not criticism. Also, if I made any mistakes, just remember that one of the rules of the Internet is that you are bound to make a mistake when correcting others and that it was 2.38 a.m. when I did this review.

I'm tired.
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  #3    
Old November 4th, 2009, 10:45 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
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Just so the wrong advice isn't learned here:

Quote:
(Not sure why you separated this paragraph)
Probably because it covers a different subject. One talks about the desert surroundings, the other covers the figure laying in the sand.

Quote:
(Even though he may be shocked, it is grammatically incorrect to use both a question mark and exclamation mark together)
That poor little interrobang, claimed to be wrong.

Quote:
"I'm going out for a while." shouted Legacy.
If you're going to recommend the use of dialogue tags, make sure that you punctuate them correctly so the author learns how to do so themselves. Otherwise, it's just a circle of mistake.

It's: "I'm going out for a while," shouted Legacy.

Then again, I'm not really sure why you recommended the tag "shouted" and used a full stop as a punctuation mark when the exclamation mark would have worked a whole lot better.
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  #4    
Old November 5th, 2009, 05:30 AM
God-of-Halloween's Avatar
God-of-Halloween
Two sides of a coin
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The LighDark region.
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizan Nix Zamnie View Post
I haven't done a review in a while now so bear with me. XD

Where to start. Corrections in red, and comments in bolded red parenthesis. I'm terrible at commas so that, I can't really comment on.

Overall, one positive aspect of your writing is that you don't have any spelling mistakes. I'm not so fond of your sentence construction and choice of words though. Work on it to make it flow better by expanding your vocabulary. A good way to do this would be by reading books or other fanfiction.

Also, you don't have any dialogue tags.
Dialogue tags eg.
"I'm going out for a while." shouted Legacy.
This is a dialogue tag. Note that the word directly after the dialogue does not have the 'beginning of sentence capitalization' unless it is a 'Proper Noun'.

One last thing. I'm sorry if you think that I'm being harsh or made you look stupid but this is how it goes. This is constructive criticism and not criticism. Also, if I made any mistakes, just remember that one of the rules of the Internet is that you are bound to make a mistake when correcting others and that it was 2.38 a.m. when I did this review.

I'm tired.
Okay, thank you. I'll keep this in mind.
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  #5    
Old November 5th, 2009, 05:31 AM
God-of-Halloween's Avatar
God-of-Halloween
Two sides of a coin
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The LighDark region.
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
Quote:
Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
Just so the wrong advice isn't learned here:


Probably because it covers a different subject. One talks about the desert surroundings, the other covers the figure laying in the sand.


That poor little interrobang, claimed to be wrong.


If you're going to recommend the use of dialogue tags, make sure that you punctuate them correctly so the author learns how to do so themselves. Otherwise, it's just a circle of mistake.

It's: "I'm going out for a while," shouted Legacy.

Then again, I'm not really sure why you recommended the tag "shouted" and used a full stop as a punctuation mark when the exclamation mark would have worked a whole lot better.
I'll keep all this in mind too.
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