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Old December 6th, 2009 (09:26 PM). Edited December 14th, 2009 by Haz.
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Haz Haz is offline
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The Hunt

Authors note: This takes place during Shayla’s first week of being a newborn, I think. (Shayla is my OC btw. If you've read my fanfic Shayla's Twilight, you'll know what I'm talking about.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Shayla’s POV

It was one of those rare sunny days again. Emmett, Jasper and Edward had hunted the previous weekend so they were all inside doing whatever they did while Carlisle had a hospital shift and wouldn’t be back until nightfall. However, Esme, Rosalie and Alice needed to hunt. In addition to that, Alice wanted to see me hunt for herself after Jasper boasted about my abilities to the rest of the family. Then, Esme absolutely insisted on taking me hunting with the girls.

I suspected they just wanted to see if Jasper was telling the truth.

A while later, Esme and I managed to track down a small herd of deer. I ran ahead of her and immediately went for the biggest one --the more blood, the better.

I felt the buck’s back break with a loud CRACK as I launched myself onto it; clutching at its small antlers. Thecreaturewas young, but still very large. It gave a final, strangled cry as it collapsed onto the ground. I quickly snap its neck in a swift motion before drinking from it.

“Nice work Shayla.” Esme congratulated me as she walked over from her own deer’s carcass. She was notably cleaner me. “Jasper was right, you are a natural.”

“Thanks… I think.” I reply as I smell another scent. I take off into the forest towards a black bear a few yards away. I hear Esme chuckle from behind me as she follows me at a safe distance.

The scent leads me to a rocky area where the black bear snoozes on a log. Rosalie is running towards it as well as she emerges from the woods. However, I’m faster than she is.

I launch myself at it and break its neck just as she runs in for the kill. She gives a furious snarl at me. “That one was mine!” She hisses as I drink from it.

“You snooze, you lose.” I growl back as I drink from it. Rosalie snarls again as Alice appears to comfort her.
Esme comes up from behind me and murmurs in my ear. “Rosalie has trouble sharing her food. Sometimes it’s better if you stay out of her way.”

I nod in response as I rise up from the dead bear’s carcass; my hands are stained with blood. Esme was scolding Rosalie as quietly as she could but I could hear it as easily as though they were standing right beside me.

“Rosalie, she is a newborn. Give her a chance.” Esme whispered to Rosalie.

Rosalie gave a growl. “Yeah, yeah, I know.” She was still fuming; I could tell.

I stood up, wondering what to do when the wind suddenly blew in our direction. Then, the most alluring scent I had ever smelled in my life reached my nostrils. It was better than deer, better than mountain lion, and even better then grizzly!

My throat started to burn like mad and the venom begins to build up in my mouth. I swallow the excess of it and take off before the others have even realised what was going on. Alice cries out but I ignore her with my mind set on getting to the scent.

I run flat out through the woods and I skid to a stop on a trail. A hiker is hiking up the sloping landscape with his back to me. A silver knife is attached to his belt as his only defence, but I knew that it would do no harm to me. I give a throaty growl and crouch down, debating on whether to bite him or snap his neck first. I decide to bite him first, it’ll be much quicker and I can get the delicious blood faster.

I start to run, but a strong hand grabs one of my arms and tugs me back. The other hand clamps itself over my mouth to silence my muffled protests. Another set of hands assists with holding me back as they tug me into the undergrowth. I give a stifled snarl at them as I’m dragged into the bushes.

“Did he see Alice?” A voice whispers to another as I lay on my back; the hands no longer holding me down.

“No,” the voice sounded certain, “his back was turned the entire time.”

“That was a close one.” Esme’s pale face sparkling slightly in the patches of sunlight filtering in through the trees comes into my view. “Are you okay Shayla?”

“Yes, I think so.” I mumble as I sit up, and brush the leaves from my hair. I’m struggling to remember what I was doing on the ground in the first place. Then I remember as I scramble up to check where the scent had gone.

He’s gone. The after-stench lingers but he is too far away for me to attack without being held back. I groan with frustration as Alice, Esme and Rosalie remain silent behind me.

“We’re vegetarians remember?” Rosalie reminds me as she places a hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off.

“Yeah, I know. Sorry.” I mumble to my embarrassment. I didn’t have to be sorry. He was the prey and I was the predator.

“Don’t be.” Esme reaches out to hug me but pulls her hand back. I run out of the bushes and back onto the trail. I stare down it for a while, my nostrils flaring at the smell of the human. Esme, Rosalie and Alice watch me uneasily.

I snort with laughter at the thought of their over-protectiveness before spinning on my heel and running back towards home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------


This is just a short little one-shot I did out of boredom.
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  #2    
Old December 13th, 2009 (10:02 AM).
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Mizan de la Plume Kuro Mizan de la Plume Kuro is offline
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Ya' know Haz, I couldn't just keep it in my computer after doing an entire review. XD

Here's the review that you semi-asked me to do. Now I know that my reviews aren't of the greatest quality, but no one else seemed to want to do it for this one. So I posted the review anyways.

Corrections in Red Bolded. Comments in (parenthesis).

***Review Starts***
It was one of those rare sunny days again. Emmett, Jasper and Edward had hunted the previous weekend so they were all inside doing whatever they did while Carlisle had a hospital shift and wouldn’t be back until nightfall. However,(The word ‘however’ sounds better at beginning a sentence as opposed to ’but’.) Esme, Rosalie,(It’s an Oxford comma which means it can come and go depending on the context. Usually it’s safer to put a comma after the last list item. Don’t take my word for it though; I’m not a linguist.) and Alice needed to hunt. In addition to that,(To play it safe because I’m not well versed with the double hyphens, I recommend a new sentence.) Alice wanted to see me hunt for herself after Jasper boasted about my abilities to the rest of the family. Then, Esme absolutely insisted on taking me hunting with the girls.

I suspected they just wanted to see if Jasper was telling the truth.

Esme(The scene transition here is kind of sudden. Maybe put ‘a while later’ at the beginning?) and I managed to track down a small herd of deer. I ran ahead of her and immediately went for the biggest one – (double hyphens. If you use MS Word, it usually changes it into a dash) the more blood, the better.

I felt the buck’s back break with a loud CRACK (I’m against using sound effects in fic writing because it makes your writing look unprofessional (unless off course you can pull it off nicely. It’s a personal choice though, so it can stay.) as I launched myself onto it; clutching at its small antlers. The creature(Because using ‘it’ twice is repetitive.) was only(I’m not sure what ‘only’ is doing here) young, but still very large. It gave a final, strangled cry as it collapsed onto the ground. I quickly snap its neck in a swift motion before drinking from it.

“Nice work Shayla.” Esme congratulated me as she walked over from her own deer’s carcass. She was notably cleaner than(I assume you know the difference between ‘than’, and ‘then’ right? Please ask if you’re unsure. I assume this was a typo) me. “Jasper was right, you are a natural.”

“Thanks… I think.” I reply as I smell another scent. I take off into the forest towards a black bear a few yards away. I hear Esme chuckle from behind me as she follows me at a safe distance.

The scent leads me to a rocky area where the black bear snoozes on a log. Rosalie is running towards it as well as she emerges from the woods. However, I’m faster than she is.

I launch myself at it and break its neck just as she runs in for the kill. She gives a furious snarl at me. “That one was mine!” She hisses as I drink from it.

“You snooze, you lose.” I growl back as I drink from it. Rosalie snarls again as Alice appears to comfort her.
Esme comes(Why the sudden transition from present tense to past tense?) up from behind me and murmurs in my ear. “Rosalie has trouble sharing her food. Sometimes it’s better if you stay out of her way.”

I nod in response as I rise up from the dead bear’s carcass; my hands are stained with blood. Esme was scolding(Scowling is a facial expression) Rosalie as quietly as she could but I could hear it as easily as though they were standing right beside me.

“Rosalie, she is a newborn. Give her a chance.” Esme whispered to Rosalie.

Rosalie gave a growl. “Yeah, yeah, I know.” She was still fuming; I could tell.

I stood (Stood what? Up, there, or something else. The comma either comes or goes depending on your choice of words), wondering what to do when the wind suddenly blew in our direction. Then, the most alluring scent I had ever smelled in my life reached my nostrils. It was better than deer, better than mountain lion, and even better then grizzly!

My throat started to burn like mad and the venom begins to build up in my mouth. I swallow the excess of it and take off before the others have even realised what was going on. Alice cries out but I ignore her with my mind set on getting to the scent.

I run flat out through the woods and I skid to a stop on a trail. A hiker is hiking up the sloping landscape with his back to me. A silver knife is attached to his belt as his only defence, but I knew that it(‘It’ is here to describe the object) would do no harm to me. I give a throaty growl and crouch down, debating on whether to bite him or snap his neck first. I decide to bite him first, it’ll be much quicker and I can get the delicious blood faster(because of redundancy).

I start to run, but a strong hand grabs my arms(unless she only has one arm) and tugs me back. The other hand clamps itself over my mouth to silence my muffled protests. Another set of hands assists with holding me back as they tug me into the undergrowth. I give a stifled snarl at them as I’m dragged into the bushes.

“Did he see Alice?” A voice whispers to another as I lay on my back; the hands no longer holding me down.

“No,” the voice sounded(unless she’s psychic, there’s no way of knowing that the voice was 100% certain.) certain,his back was turned the entire time.”

“That was a close one.” Esme’s pale face sparkling slightly in the patches of sunlight filtering in through the trees comes into my view. “Are you okay Shayla?”

“Yes, I think so.” I mumble as I sit up, and brush the leaves from my hair. I’m struggling to remember what I was doing on the ground in the first place. Then I remember as I scramble up to check where the scent had gone.

He’s gone. the after-stench lingers but he is too far away for me to attack without being held back. I groan with frustration as Alice, Esme and Rosalie remain silent behind me.

“We’re vegetarians remember?” Rosalie reminds me as she places a hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off.

“Yeah, I know. Sorry.” I mumble to my embarrassment. I didn’t have to be sorry. He was the prey and I was the predator.

“Don’t be.” Esme reaches out to hug me but pulls her hand back. I run out of the bushes and back onto the trail. I stare down it for a while, my nostrils flaring at the smell of the human. Esme, Rosalie and Alice watch me uneasily.

I snort with laughter at the thought of their over-protectiveness before spinning on my heel and running back towards home.
***Review Ends***

Beta Notes: Well, I can’t comment much on comma usage since I suck at it, but I guess it’s ok. Your problem mainly lies with awkward use of tenses that jerks the reader out of the story. Some people might have to reread a sentence one or two times just to get the meaning of it. I’m not into the twilight fandom so I won’t comment on logic. Still, you did explain to me why everyone was complaining about sparkling vampires. I read the Darren Shan Saga so its vampires are different from Twilight’s and Bram Stoker’s ones.
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  #3    
Old December 13th, 2009 (12:14 PM).
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Haz Haz is offline
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Quote originally posted by Mizan Nix Zamnie:
Ya' know Haz, I couldn't just keep it in my computer after doing an entire review. XD

Here's the review that you semi-asked me to do. Now I know that my reviews aren't of the greatest quality, but no one else seemed to want to do it for this one. So I posted the review anyways.

Corrections in Red Bolded. Comments in (parenthesis).

***Review Starts***
It was one of those rare sunny days again. Emmett, Jasper and Edward had hunted the previous weekend so they were all inside doing whatever they did while Carlisle had a hospital shift and wouldn’t be back until nightfall. However,(The word ‘however’ sounds better at beginning a sentence as opposed to ’but’.) Esme, Rosalie,(It’s an Oxford comma which means it can come and go depending on the context. Usually it’s safer to put a comma after the last list item. Don’t take my word for it though; I’m not a linguist.) and Alice needed to hunt. In addition to that,(To play it safe because I’m not well versed with the double hyphens, I recommend a new sentence.) Alice wanted to see me hunt for herself after Jasper boasted about my abilities to the rest of the family. Then, Esme absolutely insisted on taking me hunting with the girls.
I was a bit unsure of this first paragraph but now I can see where I can fix it.

Quote:
I suspected they just wanted to see if Jasper was telling the truth.

Esme(The scene transition here is kind of sudden. Maybe put ‘a while later’ at the beginning?) and I managed to track down a small herd of deer. I ran ahead of her and immediately went for the biggest one – (double hyphens. If you use MS Word, it usually changes it into a dash) the more blood, the better.
Yeah, this part was kind of spur-of-the-moment while I was writing. I wrote the next paragraph orginally as the first- but it was too short. I'll make sure to use the double dashes.
Quote:

I felt the buck’s back break with a loud CRACK (I’m against using sound effects in fic writing because it makes your writing look unprofessional (unless off course you can pull it off nicely. It’s a personal choice though, so it can stay.) as I launched myself onto it; clutching at its small antlers. The creature(Because using ‘it’ twice is repetitive.) was only(I’m not sure what ‘only’ is doing here) young, but still very large. It gave a final, strangled cry as it collapsed onto the ground. I quickly snap its neck in a swift motion before drinking from it.
I like to use them but I'll see what I can do to change it.


Quote:
“Nice work Shayla.” Esme congratulated me as she walked over from her own deer’s carcass. She was notably cleaner than(I assume you know the difference between ‘than’, and ‘then’ right? Please ask if you’re unsure. I assume this was a typo) me. “Jasper was right, you are a natural.”

“Thanks… I think.” I reply as I smell another scent. I take off into the forest towards a black bear a few yards away. I hear Esme chuckle from behind me as she follows me at a safe distance.

The scent leads me to a rocky area where the black bear snoozes on a log. Rosalie is running towards it as well as she emerges from the woods. However, I’m faster than she is.
Lol, I just earnt the diffrence between 'then' and 'than'. Yeah, it was a typo.

Quote:

I launch myself at it and break its neck just as she runs in for the kill. She gives a furious snarl at me. “That one was mine!” She hisses as I drink from it.

“You snooze, you lose.” I growl back as I drink from it. Rosalie snarls again as Alice appears to comfort her.
Esme comes(Why the sudden transition from present tense to past tense?) up from behind me and murmurs in my ear. “Rosalie has trouble sharing her food. Sometimes it’s better if you stay out of her way.”
I have trouble with past and present tense sometimes as can probably tell.

Quote:

I nod in response as I rise up from the dead bear’s carcass; my hands are stained with blood. Esme was scolding(Scowling is a facial expression) Rosalie as quietly as she could but I could hear it as easily as though they were standing right beside me.

“Rosalie, she is a newborn. Give her a chance.” Esme whispered to Rosalie.

Rosalie gave a growl. “Yeah, yeah, I know.” She was still fuming; I could tell.

I stood (Stood what? Up, there, or something else. The comma either comes or goes depending on your choice of words), wondering what to do when the wind suddenly blew in our direction. Then, the most alluring scent I had ever smelled in my life reached my nostrils. It was better than deer, better than mountain lion, and even better then grizzly!
This paragraph bothered me as well. Something was wrong but I couldn't figure it out. This is why I need a Beta :/

Quote:

My throat started to burn like mad and the venom begins to build up in my mouth. I swallow the excess of it and take off before the others have even realised what was going on. Alice cries out but I ignore her with my mind set on getting to the scent.

I run flat out through the woods and I skid to a stop on a trail. A hiker is hiking up the sloping landscape with his back to me. A silver knife is attached to his belt as his only defence, but I knew that it(‘It’ is here to describe the object) would do no harm to me. I give a throaty growl and crouch down, debating on whether to bite him or snap his neck first. I decide to bite him first, it’ll be much quicker and I can get the delicious blood faster(because of redundancy).

I start to run, but a strong hand grabs my arms(unless she only has one arm) and tugs me back. The other hand clamps itself over my mouth to silence my muffled protests. Another set of hands assists with holding me back as they tug me into the undergrowth. I give a stifled snarl at them as I’m dragged into the bushes.
I was meaning to say that she was only grabbed by one arm but yours sounded better :).

Quote:
“Did he see Alice?” A voice whispers to another as I lay on my back; the hands no longer holding me down.

“No,” the voice sounded(unless she’s psychic, there’s no way of knowing that the voice was 100% certain.) certain,his back was turned the entire time.”
As it so happens, Alice IS psychic. She can see the future as long as a descion has been made. This is the only part I disagree on your review. But being as you've never read Twilight, there was no way that you could of know this.

Quote:
“That was a close one.” Esme’s pale face sparkling slightly in the patches of sunlight filtering in through the trees comes into my view. “Are you okay Shayla?”

“Yes, I think so.” I mumble as I sit up, and brush the leaves from my hair. I’m struggling to remember what I was doing on the ground in the first place. Then I remember as I scramble up to check where the scent had gone.

He’s gone. the after-stench lingers but he is too far away for me to attack without being held back. I groan with frustration as Alice, Esme and Rosalie remain silent behind me.

“We’re vegetarians remember?” Rosalie reminds me as she places a hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off.

“Yeah, I know. Sorry.” I mumble to my embarrassment. I didn’t have to be sorry. He was the prey and I was the predator.

“Don’t be.” Esme reaches out to hug me but pulls her hand back. I run out of the bushes and back onto the trail. I stare down it for a while, my nostrils flaring at the smell of the human. Esme, Rosalie and Alice watch me uneasily.

I snort with laughter at the thought of their over-protectiveness before spinning on my heel and running back towards home.
***Review Ends***

Beta Notes: Well, I can’t comment much on comma usage since I suck at it, but I guess it’s ok. Your problem mainly lies with awkward use of tenses that jerks the reader out of the story. Some people might have to reread a sentence one or two times just to get the meaning of it. I’m not into the twilight fandom so I won’t comment on logic. Still, you did explain to me why everyone was complaining about sparkling vampires. I read the Darren Shan Saga so its vampires are different from Twilight’s and Bram Stoker’s ones.
Excellent review and thank you!
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