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Old December 13th, 2009 (08:18 AM). Edited December 13th, 2009 by Mizan de la Plume Kuro.
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Mizan de la Plume Kuro
Bass, Bass Everywhere!
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Airstrip One, Oceania
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
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What's this, Mizan is writing Fan Fiction again? Say it ain't so... I thought he was all talk. :/

Finally, after months of procrastination, brainstorming, and coke(drink not drug), I've started writing again. And you thought I didn't write. Technically, this is my SWC entry that I submitted a few months ago to Baromega/Gummy and which is the one that didn't win the SWC. I work terribly under pressure, but still that's not an excuse for shoddy writing. So now, I present to you Reflection in the Storm Revamped V2.

Disclaimer: Pokemon and it's Trademarks are rightfully owned by Gamefreak and it's affiliates. I do not own Pokemon in any way, only the concept of this Fan Fiction which is original. I'm not sure if it's protected under Creative Commons though...

Spiritual Disclaimer: All spiritually related events that are depicted in this fic do not necesarily reflect the author's spiritual and or religious beliefs.

Credits: Thanks to Bay Alexison(a.k.a. Bay) for reviewing the original version of Reflection in the Storm.

Reviews are welcome and encouraged.



Reflection in the Storm
(Pg-13 for Mild depictions of blood and violence)


Weather forecasts for that night predicted heavy rain and violent thunderstorms. The storm was destructive enough to cause property damage and as such had been labeled as a sudden tropical typhoon. It had come as a surprise to most meteorologists who had predicted a warm summer that year. The storm materialized directly above the Hoenn region spanning tens of kilometers and caused peculiar shelf clouds to appear at the borders –almost as though creating an invisible boundary around Hoenn. Travel was impossible in between the Mainland and the Hoenn Archipelago, and most flights or boats were grounded that night. The Hoenn region was completely cut off from surrounding regions. Even the phone lines and satellite telecommunication systems were completely disrupted due to electromagnetic disturbances.

Before the worst of the storm had materialized, and the telecommunication grid malfunction, a storm warning had been issued to every major city and town in Hoenn. Residents were advised to avoid travel that night. Soon afterwards, the telecommunication grid shut down. Electrical power however, was strangely unaffected.

The eye of the storm moved erratically within Hoenn. After a while, it settled near Route 123 where Mount Pyre was easily visible if one looked closely enough. The storm was starting to pick up as the winds howled and the rain pounded into the ground. Soon enough, hail started to fall. No one knew whether it was brought on from Snowpoint City or whether the upper atmosphere above Hoenn was cold enough to create hail. Not surprisingly however, Route 123, which was situated directly under the eye, was relatively calm in comparison to the rest of Hoenn. Stars poked out through the hole in the clouds and the moon illuminated the route in which not many people visited.

The damp grass glistened in the night, and the overbearing scent of grass hung in the air as though it were a lazy summer’s night. No one would have realised that a while back, torrential rain had been falling at this very area.

The peace and quiet was not to last because after a while, a man could be seen walking from the general direction of Mt. Pyre. He was wearing a somewhat casual white suit and he had a crop of pearly white hair upon his head. His skin complexion was as pale as a ghost’s was, he had wrinkles almost everywhere, and yet he had a remarkably cheery expression on such a gloomy and dangerous night. He moved with fluid precision for such an old man, and there was a certain spring in his step. He decided to whistle a tune to pass the time. If anyone were there, they would have noticed that this was no regular old man but in actual fact: a Pokémon trainer. He carried three Pokéballs. One on his belt, one in his coat pocket and one in his right hand. He gripped the red and white sphere hard; his knuckles shining through his paper-thin skin.

In the distance, another man wearing a dark-red and long-sleeved shirt walked the same route --albeit in an opposite direction-- as the other man. He was as old as the man in the suit, but his hair was not completely white and he carried all three of his Pokéballs around his belt. Both of them smiled as they noticed each other. They increased their pace and embraced each other as if old friends would. It was surprising to see how fast they could walk considering their age.

“How’ve you been?” asked the old man in the white suit, whilst breaking the hug.

“The same as you of course,” the other senior replied. Then they both shared a laugh. Obviously, it was an inside joke that they both shared.

“So are we still on for tonight?”

“Of course,” replied the red-shirted man.

The man in the white suit threw the red and white sphere into the air with the grace of a 16 year old. The ball spun in the air then hung there and promptly released a red light, which materialised into a Flygon.

“Hey Ray, long time no see,” said the man in the white suit, “been in Cryostasis this whole time have you? The technology these youngsters come up with is so advanced these days.”

The Flygon named Ray looked at the white suited man intently as if trying to recognize the human. Ray nodded in recognition and turned to face the man in the red shirt.

“Typical, why do you always start with Ray huh Hiroshi-san?” asked the man in the red shirt. He then threw his Pokeball into the air and released a Typhlosion.

“Why do you always start with a different Pokémon each time we fight hmmm Akiyama-san,” replied Hiroshi.

“Hpmh, touché. But, before we begin, what time is it Hiroshi-san?

“Why it’s two ante-meridians at night.”

“Show off,” said Akiyama with a smirk. “So how much time do we have left?”

“Not a lot...” Hiroshi replied casually.

“Precisely.”

With that, Ray the Flygon began to beat his wings and promptly took of from the ground. Akiyama’s Typhlosion looked attentively at Ray and awaited further instructions from Akiyama.

“Ray, get up close and use Dragon Claw,” ordered Hiroshi.

The Flygon fixed his sights on its target and flew towards the Typhlosion with fiery intent in its eyes.

“Gazz...” Akiyama said almost lazily.

Gazz the Typhlosion rolled out of the way just as Ray swiped his claw at the place Gazz had been just moments earlier. Seizing the opportunity, Gazz inhaled and fired a volley of flames at Ray.

“Ray, dodge and use hyper beam!” Hiroshi shouted.

The Flygon swiftly executed a perfect barrel roll in midair and opened its mouth gathering the photon particles needed to perform a hyper beam.

“Gazz, use smoke screen!”

Recognizing the order, Gazz unleashed a stream of smoke from her mouth and completely obstructed Ray’s view. Confused, Ray unleashed the hyper beam into the smoke cloud without thinking. The cloud parted and charged photon particles smashed into the ground causing the molecules in the soil to break apart and disintegrate. Suddenly, a pinwheel of flames rolled out of the smoke and started moving directly towards Ray.

“That’s it Gazz, show him!” Akiyama shouted.

Ray the Flygon executed another barrel roll in mid-air, and narrowly dodged Gazz who skidded to a halt; scorching the grass.

“Ray, Sandstorm!” shouted Hiroshi.

Adhering to his master’s command, Ray began to spin his body with his wings gracefully trailing around him like a gymnast. Soon after, sand began to pour from the spinning vortex created by Ray. The swirling silica obscured the battlefield and buffeted Gazz’s body. Not wanting to wait for the sandstorm manoeuvre to reach its full capacity, Gazz charged forward. Realising the need for drastic manoeuvres, Gazz inhaled, and her body began to heat up considerably. Gathering the flames in her mouth, she released it when it reached maximum pressure. Blue fire erupted from Gazz’s mouth, superheating the air around it, thus creating a huge bang akin to the sound of thunder. The fire came into contact with the swirling maelstrom of sand, and heated the silica extensively.

The sandstorm disappeared, and powdered glass littered the arena. Surprisingly, in the centre of the vortex where a Flygon ought to have been prior to the blast, only a small patch of dirt remained; the remnant of the wind and sand that eroded the grass. Gazz heard a loud screech and looked upwards. Racing down triumphantly with its wings tucked neatly into its side for maximum speed, Ray the Flygon prepared a final finishing move. Complex chemical reactions began to occur in Ray’s mouth, and he let out a burst of superheated gasses at Gazz. In defence, Gazz curled up into a ball and blew flames out of her body. The heated methane, which was the basis for Dragonbreath, reacted with the fire and exploded violently. Fire engulfed the arena, and Ray swerved to avoid contact. Confused and fatigued, but surprisingly not injured, Ray looked around as the smoke from the blast obscured his vision. Suddenly, a fiery entity came rolling towards Ray, determined to at least injure the dragon.

Stunned, Ray stood there as the flame wheel closed down upon him. At the last possible moment, a white flash darted out in front of the flaming Catherine Wheel shaped Pokémon and knocked it aside. Gazz flew off target and fell to the ground some metres away. She was tired, but surprisingly uninjured.

Ray looked at his unexpected saviour through his shining crimson eyes with an expression of astonishment. Hiroshi stood there; his left arm hanging uselessly by his side. Hiroshi’s sleeve was in tatters and his skin was black and red with third-degree burns.

Hiroshi calmly patted the embers on his smouldering sleeve. Then he looked up and said, “Best two out of three?”

He said this calmly as though nothing had happened. Ray looked worriedly at Hiroshi as though he might be going mad. Then, he turned angrily towards Gazz who looked just as perplexed and scared as Ray was moments earlier.

“Sure, why not?” replied Akiyama with an expression of nonchalance.

Ray screeched and started angrily towards Gazz who made no attempt to defend herself.

“Ray, stand down,” ordered Hiroshi.

Ray stopped and looked at Hiroshi with a confused expression. He awaited his imminent return to his Pokéball but the red flash of light never came. He looked expectantly at Hiroshi who shook his head as if to say, “Not this time.” Then, he flew to the side of the path.

“You know, this reminds me of when we first met,” said Akiyama, “It was Route 111 wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, that was where I got my Trapinch; Ray.”

“Sure was. We had a battle that very day remember? I pissed you off by calling you a loser for catching lame Pokémon.”

Hiroshi laughed and said, “How could I forget. I won that battle and we swore to be rivals from that day on, and that we would be better trainers than each other would ever hope to be. How long ago was that?”

“Hmmm,” mused Akiyama, “I think it was eighty years ago possibly. Right, enough talk. We don’t have much time left. Gazz, you’ve done your part. Take a break.”

“It’s now 2.15 in the morning,” Hiroshi said, “Not long now.”

Hiroshi removed another Pokéball from his belt using his right hand and twirled it on his finger. Likewise, Akiyama took another Pokéball from his belt and pressed the button in the middle releasing an Aggron. Then, Hiroshi did the same and released a Feraligatr.

Not wanting to waste time, Hiroshi began with the offensive. “Haley,” he shouted, “use Hydro Pump!”

The Feraligatr nodded, opened its mouth and shot out a burst of pressurized water. The Aggron responded by blocking the water blast with its arms. The water pounded the Aggron’s armour as it struggled to keep steady against the pressurized stream. A compound of hydrogen and oxygen reacted with the acids that formed the basis of Aggron’s metal hide, which began to smoke softly. He was not injured though as the acid merely weakened his protective metal shell. His claws dug into the ground, and he awaited further instructions. Unlike Gazz, he wasn’t used to independently attacking the opposition. He needed a push to set him in the right direction.

“Qwelos, use Iron Tail on that croc!” Akiyama shouted suddenly.

Qwelos nodded and charged straight through the water. His face, which was more tough flesh than metal, could withstand the stream of water as long as he kept his eyes closed. Haley was stunned as she saw Qwelos charge through the water, with steam forming on his body. Qwelos’ tail began to glow a bright white colour, then he twisted his large, bulky body and swung his thick tail at Haley. Haley raised her arms to defend herself, and was sent flying backwards as the tail came into contact with her muscular arms. Haley darted forward on all fours after recovering from the blow, and tried to take a bite out of Aggron’s armour. She caught Qwelos unaware as he recovered from the corrosion in his armour, and tried to take a chunk out of his body. Teeth struck Qwelos’ metal hide thus making a loud clanging noise. Deciding that biting the creature was not the best choice of action, Haley smashed her head into Qwelos’ armour and sent him flying to the back. Qwelos dragged his feet against the soil and slowly came to a halt. This had become a battle of strengths. Qwelos roared. His voice was heard clearly over the lightning and thunder outside of the eye of the storm.

“Hey, Akiyama-san,” shouted Hiroshi, “remember when we met again in Slateport. That was 75 years ago.”

“Yes, we had both gotten more Pokémon and public telephones were being installed,” Akiyama replied.

Hiroshi laughed then replied, “That was a long time ago. We had a battle there too remember. That time, you won with your Aron. I was so pissed that Haley here lost to you.”

Qwelos moved forward and started gathering speed. He set his sights on Haley. Haley recognized the threat and started charging forwards towards Qwelos.

“After that, I got really confident,” said Akiyama, “I tried to battle the gym at Mauville with just three Pokémon. I remember that they were Gazz, Qwelos and Zetsu. Of course, I lost. I realised I was still too weak at the time.”

Haley and Qwelos rushed into each other. Haley brought her arms up and caught Qwelos by the horns; holding him back. Qwelos tried to retaliate by desperately trying to bite Haley. His jaw snapped open and shut a few times in quick succession. Even using his own arms were futile since they could not reach Haley to do any damage. The two began to wrestle in a furious display of raw strength. Their feet dug into the soil as neither gave up. Each of them tried to topple the other with no success. They were equally matched.

“That’s too bad. I trained ferociously afterwards. I never lost a battle once till we met again 67 years ago.”

“Really? You of all people; a hard worker?”

They both laughed. Akiyama looked up at the churning clouds in the sky and said, “2.25 Hiroshi-san. The winds are beginning to weaken.”

Hiroshi nodded. “Indeed they are. Let’s finish this quickly.”

Qwelos and Haley broke contact and retreated. Haley was thoroughly exhausted. From the sidelines, Gazz and Ray watched the ongoing battle intently. Haley was the first to recover from the wrestling match. She opened her jaw widely and fired another stream of pressurised water at Qwelos.

“You know what I learned after my battle at Mauville?” said Akiyama while turning his attention back to the ongoing battle.

“What?” asked Hiroshi politely.

“You can’t win with physical attacks alone. Sometimes you need special attacks too. Therefore...” Akiyama said. Then, he pointed at Qwelos and snapped his fingers.

Qwelos nodded, opened his mouth and, to everyone except for Akiyama’s surprise, fired out a stream of flames from his jaws and into the oncoming high-pressurised water. Steam erupted from the collision of the two elements and obscured the battlefield. Both Pokémon were thoroughly exhausted. The steam cloud cleared and everyone could see the two Pokémon rushing at each other whilst aiming to kill. Qwelos pointed his sharp horns at his target while Haley ran at a slightly slower speed and braced for impact. Finally, when it seemed Haley was on the verge of giving up due to Qwelos’ speed and armour advantage, she unleashed her final trump card. Her mouth chilled to hundreds of centigrade below zero, and then she fired a beam of pure, concentrated ice at Qwelos and dodged his attack by rolling to one side. The Ice Beam would have instantly frozen Qwelos if not for at the last moment, a red streak jumped out and was hit by the beam in place of Qwelos the Aggron.

Akiyama landed on the ground just to the left of Qwelos while at the same time shattering his already frozen leg into millions of pieces. Blood dripped from the frostbitten nerve-endings as Akiyama staggered lopsidedly on one foot.

“Looks like I’ll be sitting down for the remainder of the battle,” Akiyama said calmly, “Qwelos, to the sidelines. You’ve lost and now you’ve earned your rest.” Qwelos walked towards where Gazz was and then looked at Akiyama with perplexedly. All the Pokémon looked upon their Trainers as though they had gone mad. Even with Akiyama missing a leg, and Hiroshi with a useless arm, the two were conversing like normal.

“Akiyama-san, 50 years ago we met once more didn’t we?” asked Hiroshi courteously as he took out his final Pokeball from inside his coat pocket.

“Yes we did. We were wiser and less hot blooded then. We were still rivals though,” Akiyama answered. He detached the red and white sphere from his belt and threw it into the sky.

“We still are,” Hiroshi said with a laugh. “That time, we fought with three Pokémon. Kind of like what we’re doing right now,” said Hiroshi. Then, he released his final Pokémon from the Pokeball with a flash of red light.

The Pokeball that Akiyama threw into the sky opened and released his final Pokémon: a Gallade. Standing at the place where Hiroshi’s Pokémon was supposed to be, a proud Houndoom stood his ground glaring at the opposition with venom in his stare. The two Pokémon moved forward into the middle of the route awaiting orders from their respective trainers.

“Zetsu, you know what to do. Finish him off and then we can be done with this,” Akiyama commanded the Gallade.

Zetsu nodded and proceeded to get into his battle stance. The Houndoom raised its head and howled into the eye of the storm overhead.

“Hiroshi-san, what time is it?” asked Akiyama.

“2.35 a.m. There’s not much time left, let’s make this quick.”

“Agreed.”

With that, Zetsu ran towards the Houndoom and prepared himself for a Psycho Cut attack. He slashed his blade like arms in mid-air while channelling synchrotron radiation towards them thus creating an X-shaped, purple blade of pure psychic energy. The Houndoom circled Zetsu as he launched wave after wave of psychic energy at the Houndoom. With each wave, the psychic energy impacted the ground and scrambled the soil molecules. Any one of those would have severely messed with the Houndoom’s molecular structure if they had hit.

Not content with being the prey in this prey-predator relationship, the Houndoom opened his mouth, and launched a stream of flames at the Gallade. Zetsu jumped out of the way and began thinking of his next approach. The Houndoom glared at Zetsu then started forward. His canines suddenly began to grow extremely hot. He was preparing a Fire Fang attack. Recognizing the manoeuvre, Zetsu began to glow a dull blue colour that radiated into the surroundings. The synchrotron radiation, when fully charged, would be able to wreak havoc with the mind of any living creature that Zetsu set it loose upon.

“Rakano, he’s using a Psychic attack, dodge it!” shouted Hiroshi.

Rakano the Houndoom recognized the threat and the fire in his mouth died down. Marginally surprised, Zetsu lost his concentration, and the Psychic attack was nullified, thus causing the radiation to disperse. Taking the opportunity, Rakano the Houndoom head butted the surprised Zetsu, and knocked him down to the ground. Rakano growled in triumph; his paws on Zetsu’s chest.

“It was 15 years ago now wasn’t it Akiyama-san,” said Hiroshi, “we made a promise to meet up here at this very spot in 15 years time and have one last battle.”

Akiyama smiled. “I’m surprised you still remember that.”

Again, they both laughed.

At that moment, Zetsu stared into Rakano’s triumphant face calmly with his brain formulating a plan. Then suddenly, he threw a punch directly at Rakano’s face. In all the excitement, Rakano had let his guard down. The fire-dog flew a few metres before landing on his side. Recovering swiftly Zetsu stood up triumphantly with malice in his eyes. He was going to finish this quickly and be over with it. Rakano stood up and howled. The storm outside of Route 123 somewhat diminished the effect, but nonetheless, Zetsu could not help but be slightly intimidated by Rakano. Taking the opportunity, Rakano started towards Zetsu for the second time that night.

Suddenly, Rakano began to glow a dull red colour, and he opened his mouth. Flames began to pour out of every pore in his body and most notably his mouth. He was creating, in effect, a miniature flaming comet. Zetsu stood his ground.

“That’s Rakano’s specialty. I’ve never shown it to you before so I guess you wouldn’t know,” Hiroshi said coolly while watching Zetsu’s stunned look at the oncoming comet.

“Zetsu has one too if I can recall,” Akiyama said proudly.

Zetsu’s eyes started glowing a bright blue colour and suddenly, he vanished into thin air only to reappear a few metres up in the sky. He immediately brought together two of his sword-like arms and started slashing them furiously in midair thus creating a flurry of purple coloured, psychic energy waves. The waves cut through the air in a straight path. The pure psychic energy brought upon by synchrotron radiation was not affected by wind resistance, or stray particles. Rakano swerved left and right while dodging all the slashes. The purple beams smashed into the ground forming deep indentations in the soil. Finally, after much dodging, Rakano jumped straight up into the sky where Zetsu was positioned. Zetsu accepted the challenge; his arms began to glow a bright blue colour as his twin blades sharpened considerably. The two zoomed closer and closer to each other whilst at the same time gaining speed. The impact would be fatal for the losing party and would cause the winning side, at the very least, a severe injury.

Not so surprisingly, for the third time that night, two flashes, one red and one white jumped out in front of the two sparring Pokémon and pushed them both down to the ground. A flaming meteor impacted the dirt while a shocked Gallade fell to the earth while looking at his master. The two old men landed on either side of the dirt path and a sickening crack was heard.

“Sounds like your bones are broken,” said Hiroshi with relative ease. Blood flowed freely from his pelvic region where his thighbone had broken through his skin due to the impact. The whites of his thighbone were clearly visible.

“It looks like yours are poking through,” Akiyama said with a laugh.

All the Pokémon at the sidelines were perplexed. They were torn in between wanting to help their trainers and the ludicrousness of the situation. Rakano and Zetsu stood up. They were ready for more.

“Both of you stop that. Hiroshi-san, lets call this a draw. One win, one loss and one tie,” said Akiyama suddenly.

“I guess you’re right. What time is it anyway?” asked Hiroshi.

“I think it’s 2.50 in the morning.”

The two rivals looked up into the eye of the storm and saw a dazzling display of red, green and blue form in the atmosphere. The beautiful aurora had actually formed all over Hoenn, but unfortunately, it was hidden by the storm clouds. Only through the eye was it visible.

“You know Akiyama-san, I just realised how short life is,” said Hiroshi suddenly.

“Hmmm?”

“You know, we could retell our finest moments on the field in the space of only one hour.”

“Personally, I think that time moves too fast. It’s not that life’s too short.”

“You could be right, but then again, who defines what’s right?”

The storm was clearing. The two rivals stood up. Miraculously, all their wounds had been healed. The man in the pristine white suit grinned to reveal a dazzling set of white teeth. His white hair now had been transformed into a dirty blond colour. His skin had lost all the wrinkles it previously had and was now practically glowing. Hiroshi looked up to his rival who had undergone the exact same transformation as he had. The two rivals walked towards each other and embraced like two long lost friends. They broke the hug and stared ecstatically into each other’s faces. Akiyama grinned at his friend with his sleek black hair moving slightly in the wind.

“You know,” Hiroshi said, “some people say that when ghosts are around, the temperature drops.”

Akiyama smiled, “They also say that some ghosts cause electromagnetic disturbances where they are present.”

“They really underestimate the soul don’t they,” Hiroshi said, “the effect is far bigger than that.”

“Hey, we used to believe that nonsense too.”

Hiroshi and Akiyama turned to their respective Pokémon.

“Zetsu, Gazz, Qwelos, you’re free. I’m sorry I didn’t release you before this,” said Hiroshi.

“Ray, Haley, Rakano, you guys too. You can go now. We didn’t want you to hurt yourselves for our sakes so just now we blocked any attacks that would have caused too much damage to you guys.”

Ray looked at Hiroshi as if to say, ‘What about you master?’

Hiroshi stared at Ray then nodded to show that he understood. “We’ll be leaving now. We’ve caused too much mayhem in Hoenn tonight.”

With that, the pair began floating gracefully upwards into the eye of the storm. They took one last look at the battleground they had known as Hoenn.

“To think that one promise could bring us back from the dead,” Hiroshi said while looking at his awestruck Pokémon that were staring up at the rising pair.

“Hey,” said Akiyama, “never underestimate a trainer’s resolve.” Then he smiled.

Soon afterwards, the clouds began to dissipate and the typhoon ended. The temporary aurora winked out of existence above Hoenn and all was well. Realising that his role as a Pokémon with an owner was over, Ray took flight and left the place. The other Pokémon, did the same and soon the only memories of the epic battle fought on Route 123 was a brown patch of dirt, glass littering the grass, and a couple of slash marks in the soil.

The wind caressed Ray’s face as he made his way north. His wings that were stiff from before the battle were now as flexible as they ever were. He wanted to do one last thing before he left for home. His ancestor’s home. He was old, much older than he looked.

A few hours later and a few kilometres to the North, a five-year-old girl stared out from the window of her home in the trees. The Morning sun was just beginning to poke through the horizon. The girl looked out of the window and saw a Flygon flying in the sky headed to some unknown location.

“Bye-bye Ray!” she shouted.

The Flygon took one look at her and smiled. Then he flew off into the sunrise.
**END**
__________________
.F i c t i o N.
Havisham
"Break his heart, Estella. Break
his heart..." - Cutlerine
---

.F a n f i c t i o N.
The Promise I Made to You

SWC 2012 Second Place
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  #2    
Old December 13th, 2009 (07:43 PM).
Bay Alexison's Avatar
Bay Alexison
Not a Baygel
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Age: 26
Nature: Sassy
I enjoyed reading this again. :3 Like in my original review, love what you got going on here. Two rivals/friends battling one another one last time and reliving their fondest memories. This is actually one of my favorite entry in terms of creativity and ideas, so you should be proud of that.

Love that you expand the battles. I loved the battles in the original version as they were fast paced, but you’re missing the Pokémon’s reactions and personality in some cases. You have put more of the Pokémon’s reactions and personality, so great job on that. :D Also I still think it’s cool the two saved their Pokémon so that they won’t be too injured (considering they’ll be free to go and such).

Another thing is I love how you expand the two character’s personality and quirks too. For instance:

Quote:
“Hpmh, touché. But, before we begin, what time is it Hiroshi-san?

“Why it’s two ante-meridians at night.”

“Show off,” said Akiyama with a smirk. “So how much time do we have left?”
Love that part. Shows Hiroshi is indeed a show off. :3

Grammar wise…well, for the most part you have the grammar mistakes fixed (from comparing this version and the original), but you still have trouble with dialogue. I admit, my explanation in the original version wasn’t that good. D: I’ll try to explain better here. I’ll go for the ones I know you did wrong. There are actually some I’m not sure of, so I won’t talk about the iffy ones because I might cause more mistakes. D:

(Note: when I say indicator, I mean like “he said,” “she yelled,” “he explained,” etc. )

Quote:
“Why do you always start with a different Pokémon each time we fight hmmm Akiyama-san.” replied Hiroshi.
Quote:
“Yes, we had both gotten more Pokémon and public telephones were being installed.” Akiyama replied.
Quote:
“Yes we did. We were wiser and less hot blooded then. We were still rivals though.” Akiyama answered. He detached the red and white sphere from his belt and threw it into the sky.
Quote:
“We still are,” Hiroshi said with a laugh. “That time, we fought with three Pokémon. Kind of like what we’re doing right now.” said Hiroshi. Then, he released his final Pokémon from the Pokeball with a flash of red light.
Quote:
“Zetsu, you know what to do. Finish him off and then we can be done with this.” Akiyama commanded the Gallade.
Quote:
“That’s Rakano’s specialty. I’ve never shown it to you before so I guess you wouldn’t know.” Hiroshi said coolly while watching Zetsu’s stunned look at the oncoming comet.
Quote:
“Zetsu has one too if I can recall.” Akiyama said proudly.
Quote:
“Sounds like your bones are broken.” said Hiroshi with relative ease.
Quote:
“It looks like yours are poking through.” Akiyama said with a laugh.
Quote:
“You know Akiyama-san, I just realised how short life is.” said Hiroshi suddenly.
Quote:
“To think that one promise could bring us back from the dead.” Hiroshi said while looking at his awestruck Pokémon that were staring up at the rising pair.
Okay, all of these have the same basic mistake, so I’ll just explain here. D: Each time you have a dialogue, if you’re not having the dialogue end in exclamation point or question mark and then you want to put things like “he said,” “ she replied,” have to put a comma after the dialogue is finished. If you’re going to end the dialogue without putting “he replied” and such, then a period or whatever punctuation mark is appropriate.

One example of the correction. If you just put “Why do you always start with a different Pokémon each time we fight hmmm Akiyama-san.” without the “replied Hiroshi” part, then it’s correct. That’s not the case however. The way you punctuated is wrong. Correct way is comma after Akiyama-san like this: “Why do you always start with a different Pokémon each time we fight hmmm Akiyama-san,” replied Hiroshi. This is the right way to punctuate because you have “replied Hiroshi” after the dialogue.


Quote:
You know, this reminds me of when we first met.” said Akiyama, “It was Route 111 wasn’t it?”
Quote:
“It’s now 2.15 in the morning.” Hiroshi said, “Not long now.”
Okay, these three also have the same mistake you have, but it’s harder to explain because this time you have more than one dialogue in the same paragraph. Also, not sure if I have this right. x_x If have more than one dialogue like these three, first you have to put comma after the first dialogue (again, only if you won’t have the dialogue end with an exclamation or question) if you’re going to later put an indicator for the dialogue (“he said,” “you replied,” etc. ). Later on though the indicator has to end with a period. For the second dialogue, how you’ll punctuate it depends if you’ll end the dialogue with or without an indicator of shorts.

One correction example. Comma after met and period after Akiyama: You know, this reminds me of when we first met,” said Akiyama.“It was Route 111 wasn’t it?”

Quote:
“Precisely,”
Quote:
“Agreed,”
Both quotes have to be a period because you’re ending the dialogue without saying “he said” “she replied,” etc as I explained before. For instance, period after precisely: “Precisely.” In the original version, you actually got the punctuation right on both of those.

Okay, I hope I did a better explanation this time. x_x I suck at writing explanations over dialogue because dialogue is tricky and there’s all sorts of rules and exceptions to it. Best advice I can give is read the more modern books and pay attention how the writers punctuated the dialogue. Look at ways how dialogue is punctuated after the dialogue is finished, after dialogue is finished but then an indication and description of who said the dialogue, what happens when there’s two dialogues in same paragraph, etc.

One other advice is once more look at this link: http://razorleaf.livejournal.com/22707.html#cutid1 My friend explains how to do dialogue better than me, so look at it.

Third advice: ask Jax about the dialogue. She can explain it better than me. x_x

Well, I enjoyed reading this again but you still didn’t fix the dialogue punctuation problems, which I can take the blame for not explaining the first time. ;
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Old December 13th, 2009 (08:36 PM).
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*Fixes*

Quote originally posted by Bay Alexison:
I enjoyed reading this again. :3 Like in my original review, love what you got going on here. Two rivals/friends battling one another one last time and reliving their fondest memories. This is actually one of my favorite entry in terms of creativity and ideas, so you should be proud of that.
Thanks. :D

Quote:
Love that you expand the battles. I loved the battles in the original version as they were fast paced, but you’re missing the Pokémon’s reactions and personality in some cases. You have put more of the Pokémon’s reactions and personality, so great job on that. :D Also I still think it’s cool the two saved their Pokémon so that they won’t be too injured (considering they’ll be free to go and such).
Although Alter Ego's Smile and Nod fanfic wasn't up yet when I wrote this, I believe that the two realised that hurting Pokemon for their sakes was just wrong. I almost have the same theme as Alter Ego's one.

Quote:
Another thing is I love how you expand the two character’s personality and quirks too. For instance:


Love that part. Shows Hiroshi is indeed a show off. :3
Indeed he is. XD

Quote:
Okay, all of these have the same basic mistake, so I’ll just explain here. D: Each time you have a dialogue, if you’re not having the dialogue end in exclamation point or question mark and then you want to put things like “he said,” “ she replied,” have to put a comma after the dialogue is finished. If you’re going to end the dialogue without putting “he replied” and such, then a period or whatever punctuation mark is appropriate.
Actually, this was the simplest explanation I've ever heard. I was always under the impression that I'd have to put a period where the sentence ended. I didn't really consider these indicators when putting commas or periods. This could either be my fault for not noticing this when people explained it to me.
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