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  #1    
Old April 2nd, 2010, 07:19 PM
TheGinger63's Avatar
TheGinger63
PKMN Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Blackthorn City, Johto
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
Well here is my first attempt at a fan fiction. I appreciate constructive criticism so please do not hesitate if you think I need any.
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Summary: It has been six years since the fall of Team Amazon. Team Amazon has returned and has become a very big threat in Johto. They plan on taking the power of Celebi, Jirachi, and Shaymin to destroy any civilization in the Pokemon World and replace it with forests.
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Characters:


Nick


Erik


Steven Stone


Amazon Leader Andy


Amazon Admin Robert


Amazon Admin Ashley


Amazon Admin Mike

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prologue:

A small cave in Hoenn


"For the last time, I said no! We are finished!" said a man, probably in his twenties.

This was no ordinary man. In fact, this man almost caused an apocalypse in the very region he is standing in now. His outfit consisted of a green and black coat, black pants and black shoes. The portion of his coat that was black had a small green 'A' patched into it. He was no ordinary man; he was the leader of a fallen organization known as Team Amazon.

"Think about it, Master Andy. If we move our operations to a different region, who would suspect our return?" said one of the younger members in the room.


“You have a good point, Robert, but you have to convince the rest of the members to go along with this as well.”

“Do not worry about that master; I have it all under control.”

Robert was one of the more brilliant members of the team. He was Andy’s most trusted admin and backed up any plan that was made.

"Whoa wait! What is happening here? Don't I get a say in anything anymore!?" said the only female admin in the room.

"Ashley, enough! No matter what we do you will always disagree and I am sick of it! We are going to the Johto region and no you do not have a say in it!" the Leader screamed.

"Fine then. I will go along with it THIS time."

Ashley was the most stubborn member of the team. Her true intentions are currently unknown, but she is constantly disagreeing with the team's decisions. She was made an admin through her battling skills but has been considered for a demotion based on her attitude.

"Just this time? Come on! The worst possible thing that could happen is that our operation will fail again," chuckled the last member in the room.

"Shut up, Mike! You' re not funny!" all of the members screamed in unison.

Mike was the comic relief part of the team. He is also a bit of a pirate and takes 'prizes' after defeating trainers in battle.

"So everyone is in then? Capture Celebi, Jirachi, and Shaymin?" Robert asked.

"Yes, but where would we find them? They are Legendary after all," Ashley snorted.

"Luckily for us I already have Jirachi," Andy replied.

"What?" the Admins asked simultaneously

"At the height of Team Amazon, I was traveling to find a place for the new capitol of our empire. Unfortunately I had come face to face with a school of Gyarados. They had completely destroyed my ship and I drifted off to a deserted island. There is where I came across the Legendary Jirachi. After capturing it, I found a Swellow to fly back to Ever Grande City on and then that is where I came back, only to be defeated."

"Very well, what is it you would like us to do Master?" the Admins asked.

"While I go to look for Shaymin, who is rumored to be in the Sinnoh Region, I want you three and a team of grunts to hunt down Celebi. Use this to capture it." Andy said, handing Robert a crystal clear ball.

"What is this?" Robert asked.

"That will never fail to capture a Pokemon. It was specially made to capture Legendary Pokemon and steal their power. You will know that all the power has been drained when the pokeball turns black. It will not kill the Pokemon, however it will drain any powers that it has," the Leader replied. "No off with you, and do not fail me!"

"Very well, we will not fail you Master," the Admins responded, quickly exiting the cave.

Andy paced in circles thinking to himself.

My dream is almost a reality... it is only a matter of time..


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Last edited by TheGinger63; April 8th, 2010 at 01:22 PM.
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  #2    
Old April 2nd, 2010, 08:00 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
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Just having a list of characters and their bios does not a story make. That means that you really should have part of the actual story ready to be posted before you make your thread, otherwise there's nothing to really comment on in the main forum here.

Quote:
Prologue: It has been six years since the fall of Team Amazon. Team Amazon has returned and has become a very big threat in Johto. They plan on taking the power of Celebi, Jirachi, and Shaymin to destroy any civilization in the Pokemon World and replace it with forests.
That's more of a summary than a prologue. A prologue is a scene that takes place before the main plot of the story to entice the reader to continue/explain something of the future plot. What you have is part of a basic summary to describe what the story is about.

Just like with the character bios. What you posted are more like notes that you as the writer would keep for your own records, to check as you write your story. What you should have posted was the story itself, and not what you could have easily told in your fanfic by using back story.

I'll leave this open (despite what the rules say) because you actually want people's opinions on this, and you can't get that if the thread's closed. For now, it'll also stay in the main forum, instead of in the Writer's Lounge subforum (where threads of this nature would typically go) so it won't get passed over.

I will say, though, that you win major amounts of bonus points for naming your team leader "Andy". I like that a lot.
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  #3    
Old April 2nd, 2010, 11:06 PM
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CakeForTheSoul
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Not to mention but Team Amazon's background is reminding of HG and SS For Team Rocket and Team Magma.
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  #4    
Old April 3rd, 2010, 03:57 AM
TheGinger63's Avatar
TheGinger63
PKMN Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Blackthorn City, Johto
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
Quote:
Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
Just having a list of characters and their bios does not a story make. That means that you really should have part of the actual story ready to be posted before you make your thread, otherwise there's nothing to really comment on in the main forum here.


That's more of a summary than a prologue. A prologue is a scene that takes place before the main plot of the story to entice the reader to continue/explain something of the future plot. What you have is part of a basic summary to describe what the story is about.

Just like with the character bios. What you posted are more like notes that you as the writer would keep for your own records, to check as you write your story. What you should have posted was the story itself, and not what you could have easily told in your fanfic by using back story.

I'll leave this open (despite what the rules say) because you actually want people's opinions on this, and you can't get that if the thread's closed. For now, it'll also stay in the main forum, instead of in the Writer's Lounge subforum (where threads of this nature would typically go) so it won't get passed over.

I will say, though, that you win major amounts of bonus points for naming your team leader "Andy". I like that a lot.
ya im sorry for posting just this. I accidentally posted it all yesterday and was kicked off my computer before i could actually develop this into an actual story. I will try to get what i wanted up today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CakeForTheSoul View Post
Not to mention but Team Amazon's background is reminding of HG and SS For Team Rocket and Team Magma.
Well Team Amazon was based off of Magma and Aqua. As for the return... maybe i should have changed that sorry. I try not to copy things, that was coincidence that it was like Team Rocket's story
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  #5    
Old April 4th, 2010, 03:06 AM
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Silawen
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Ehm, wow. Personally I don't think the character outlines work here. You've crammed a whole lot of history into those little paragraphs and it's a bit much. Not to mention that some bits don't make sense to me. Let's go over them, shall we?

Quote:
On his 10th birthday, Nick ran into a lot of trouble. He was on his way to New Bark Town to receive his first pokemon when he was ambushed by a relatively unknown organization who called themselves Team Amazon. Nick unwillingly joined the team, but later escaped with another kid who unwillingly joined.


This bit. Why would a criminal organisation ambush a ten year old boy who hadn't even received his pokémon yet? Why would they make him join their group when it could only mean having a liability? Why don't they simply find an adult who wants to join them instead of some kid who has no experience whatsoever and would needs to be taught everything? I understand you want to give your character an 'exciting back-story' and all, but it has to make sense. This doesn't.

Quote:
After making their way through the Hoenn region and putting an end to Team Amazon, Nick and his friend parted ways.


Why would they journey through Hoenn to put an end to this team? Is there some requirement to defeating evil organisations that requires people to go on a pokémon journey through a random region? Also, I don't find it terribly believable that two young trainers could beat an evil organisation of dozens of experienced folk, but then again this is the pokémon fandom.

Quote:
Shortly after leaving Hoenn, Nick was invited to a tournament in the land of Epiphany.


Wait, so Nick actually collected badges while he was trying to destroy team Amazon? He had the time to do this? Couldn't he have spent that time going to the police, or am I just being silly here? Who would waste time with gym battles when they could be stopping criminals? If he's so intent on doing that, then why win badges? (Because without him winning badges being invited to that tournament wouldn't make much sense.)

Quote:
Nick decided to take the Kanto challenge. He started his journey with a completely new team. Instead of choosing one of the rare pokemon that a trainer would start with, Nick decided to go with one of his personal favorites; Growlithe. Together Nick and Growlithe, who later became Arcanine, defeated all of the gyms of Kanto and with the help of the rest of the team (Umbreon, Gyarados, Scizor, Nidoking, and Nidoqueen) made the top 16 in the Indigo League.


So then why add the whole 'Epiphany' bit? I know you probably added that to say 'see, he does lose!', but it doesn't seem at all necessary. He journeyed through two regions in his life, participated in two tournaments, and challenged who knows how many gym leaders. Bit much for a sixteen year old, don't you think? (And no, Ash is not a good role-model for your characters.)

Quote:
Now Nick is 16 years old and is going to face the Johto League.


Ehm, nice, but what does this have to do with the whole 'Team Amazon' deal? Don't tell me he's going to fight Team Amazon and participate in the Johto league at the same time? (Also, Kanto and Hoenn weren't enough? Jeesh, he'll be going to Sinnoh next.)

Quote:
However, Erik had overslept and Nick could not wait so Nick left without him.


And why couldn't he wait? Was there some law stating he had to be out of the house by seven? He could not go to Erik's house, wake him up, and leave thirty minutes late? People make such a big deal out of this, when it really isn't. So you don't get your pokémon on the planned time, big deal. Your character has waited ten years for this, he can certainly wait thirty minutes longer.

Quote:
When Nick did not answer his pokegear, Erik went out to find him. On the route to New Bark Town he saw a giant hole in the road and a smashed pokegear on the ground. Erik then went to New Bark Town and got his Cyndaquil.


Instead of, I don't know, calling the police? 'Oh, my best friend might be dead. Ah, well, let's just go and get my pokémon.' It doesn't make your character very likeable.

Quote:
Four years after his friend went missing, Nick had returned. Erik had challenged Nick to a battle and easily beat him with his Typhlosion. However, he had made Nick remember the true meaning of a battle and so after that Nick had left again to train for a rematch. Now at the age of 16, Erik is awaiting Nick's challenge and is training in the Johto region.


So Erik's entire life is devoted to battling Nick? What about gym badges, or breeding, or contests, or whatever? He has no other interests?

Quote:
Ashley is the most obnoxious admin in the organization. She is negative and goes against every decision that is made. Instead of following the plans, Ashley off doing her own thing. She thinks she is better than everyone in the organization and plans on betraying Andy when he reaches his goal. She specializes in rock type pokemon.


Why would you tell us Ashley's future plans? You're spoiling your own story. We won't be surprised, now, when the betrayal happens. You could have set up something really nice here, instead of doing something that we already know is going to happen now.

Pwew, and that's only the character profiles. XD

~

Quote:
"For the last time, I said no! We are finished!" said a man, probably in his twenties.


When there's a pause, there's a comma. I'm very happy to see you lowercased 'said', though. Well done.

Quote:
In fact, this man had almost caused an apocalypse in the very region he was standing in now.


If you started out in past tense, you have to stick to it. So either write everything in past tense - he walked, he asked, he wondered - or present tense. (He walks, he asks, he wonders.)

Quote:
His outfit consisted of a green and black coat, black pants and black shoes. The portion of his coat that was black had a small green 'A' patched into it.


We don't need to know this. As of yet it's not important what he's wearing. If you were simply using his clothes to show us who he was, then that'd be slightly better, but you tell us who he is right after this segment, so that isn't the case.

Starting out with description is good, but not when you're describing your character. We should find out more about gradually and as the story unfolds, not all at once. Plus, it's not relevant here. The colour of his t-shirt doesn't matter.

Quote:
Think about it, master Andy. If we move our operations to a different region, who would suspect our return?" said one of the younger members in the room.


You need a comma before 'master' - and a capital letter, I think, if it's a title - because this is a case of direct address. You're direct addressing an individual by using a name, title, or other indication of that specific person. For example:

"Hey, you!"

"Wait for me, Ann!"

"I don't know, kid."

I'd put a period/full-stop after Andy, because that is where the sentence ends. 'If we move' is an entirely separate sentence.

Quote:

“You have a good point, Robert, but you have to convince the rest of the members to go along with this as well.”


One more example of direct address. I'm sure you can find the rest yourself, so I'm not going to point out all of them.

Quote:
Robert was one of the more brilliant members of the team. He was Andy’s most trusted admin and backed up any plan that was made.


Another example of your tenses being a bit screwy. If you start in past, then stick to it. There are more cases of this happening, but I'll leave them for you to change.

Quote:
His outfit is based off of a Team Magma Admin's outfit, but instead of it being red it is green.



Wait, is this you talking to the reader, or is it actual description? If it's the latter, then you should really think about redoing it. When describing clothes - though I'm not in favour of doing that when it's not relevant to what is going on - you should describe the actual clothes, not comparing them to something readers may or may not know. Is Team Magma even relevant here?

If it's the former, then...please don't.

Quote:
"Whoa wait! What is happening here? Don't I get a say in anything anymore!?" said the only female admin in the room.

"Ashley enough! No matter what we do you will always disagree and I am sick of it! We are going to the Johto region and no you do not have a say in it!"

"Fine then. I will go along with it THIS time."


You have to identify all speakers when more than two people are talking. We know that the first speaker is Ashley, but we don't know who the second one is. Is it this 'master' guy, or Robert? We can assume, but never know for sure until you tell us.

Quote:
Ashley was the most stubborn member of the team. She would have quit the team after the fall, but she liked Robert very much (hence the matching outfits).


Don't talk to your readers, please. The thing about matching outfits could have been put in the actual description, not randomly thrown in afterwards. Also, I'm a bit miffed at the only girl of the bunch staying because 'she likes some guy'. I'd say that someone with such strong convictions would not stay with people she doesn't agree with simply because there's a cute guy involved.

Also, if she's so contrary and disagrees with everything said, then why is she even an admin or consulted in things? If someone is always going to disagree, then having them on board seems counter-productive.

Quote:
Mike was the comic relief part of the team. He is constantly trying to get Ashley's attention, however he usually ends up failing miserably. He is also a bit of a pirate and takes 'prizes' after defeating trainers in battle. His outfit consists of a green bandanna, vest, and gray pants.


We don't want to know this! Look, there's something in fanfiction that's called 'showing, not telling'. It means that if you want your readers to know something, you should show it in the story and not outright tell them. For example, here you want the readers to know Mike likes Ashley. Instead of just telling us 'Mike likes Ashley', you should show it through their actions and words. Let your readers find out for themselves instead of dumping it on them.

Quote:
"Yes, but where would we find them? They are Legendary after all."

"Luckily for us I already have Jirachi. Robert I want you to lead an expedition in Johto to the Ilex Forest to capture Celebi. Ashley and Mike will also be joining you."


He already has Jirachi? How? Why? Is this going to be addressed at all, or are we just to assume that this powerful legendary showed up randomly and begged to be caught?

Quote:
"So everyone is in then? Capture Celebi, Jirachi, and Shaymin?"

"Yes, but where would we find them? They are Legendary after all."

"Luckily for us I already have Jirachi. Robert I want you to lead an expedition in Johto to the Ilex Forest to capture Celebi. Ashley and Mike will also be joining you."

"Very well, where will you be?"

"I will be traveling to Sinnoh where Shaymin is rumored to be. Contact me when you have Celebi."

"Yes master, I will not fail you."



Who is talking? I honestly cannot tell who is talking here. One of them is the master, I think, but who is the other? You need to let us know these things. Also, where is the logic in them going in a group of three and him going alone?

~

So far this needs a lot of work. You're telling us way too many things, both in the character profiles and the actual story. We want to find out about them, not find them dumped on us all in one go. It needs to be exciting, not a list of facts.

I would truly suggest that you find yourself a beta-reader to work with. Have him or her explain storytelling to you, because doing so here would take me ages. Show, don't tell, is an especially important term you need to be aware of. Same goes for punctuation, though I've already explained a few things.

Let me know if you have further questions!

Good luck.


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Old April 4th, 2010, 03:57 AM
TheGinger63's Avatar
TheGinger63
PKMN Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Blackthorn City, Johto
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silawen View Post

Ehm, wow. Personally I don't think the character outlines work here. You've crammed a whole lot of history into those little paragraphs and it's a bit much. Not to mention that some bits don't make sense to me. Let's go over them, shall we?

This bit. Why would a criminal organisation ambush a ten year old boy who hadn't even received his pokémon yet? Why would they make him join their group when it could only mean having a liability? Why don't they simply find an adult who wants to join them instead of some kid who has no experience whatsoever and would needs to be taught everything? I understand you want to give your character an 'exciting back-story' and all, but it has to make sense. This doesn't.

Why would they journey through Hoenn to put an end to this team? Is there some requirement to defeating evil organisations that requires people to go on a pokémon journey through a random region? Also, I don't find it terribly believable that two young trainers could beat an evil organisation of dozens of experienced folk, but then again this is the pokémon fandom.

Wait, so Nick actually collected badges while he was trying to destroy team Amazon? He had the time to do this? Couldn't he have spent that time going to the police, or am I just being silly here? Who would waste time with gym battles when they could be stopping criminals? If he's so intent on doing that, then why win badges? (Because without him winning badges being invited to that tournament wouldn't make much sense.)

So then why add the whole 'Epiphany' bit? I know you probably added that to say 'see, he does lose!', but it doesn't seem at all necessary. He journeyed through two regions in his life, participated in two tournaments, and challenged who knows how many gym leaders. Bit much for a sixteen year old, don't you think? (And no, Ash is not a good role-model for your characters.)

Ehm, nice, but what does this have to do with the whole 'Team Amazon' deal? Don't tell me he's going to fight Team Amazon and participate in the Johto league at the same time? (Also, Kanto and Hoenn weren't enough? Jeesh, he'll be going to Sinnoh next.)
Sorry about this large bit here. I was trying to best summarize my other fan fictions from when I wrote them in PE.


And why couldn't he wait? Was there some law stating he had to be out of the house by seven? He could not go to Erik's house, wake him up, and leave thirty minutes late? People make such a big deal out of this, when it really isn't. So you don't get your pokémon on the planned time, big deal. Your character has waited ten years for this, he can certainly wait thirty minutes longer.
Plot device :D


Instead of, I don't know, calling the police? 'Oh, my best friend might be dead. Ah, well, let's just go and get my pokémon.' It doesn't make your character very likeable.
ya... again it was a summary of events so i try to put as little info as i could


So Erik's entire life is devoted to battling Nick? What about gym badges, or breeding, or contests, or whatever? He has no other interests?
No not exactly. He is doing other things but when he realizes Nick is actually alive he and Nick become more rivals then friends and it is Nick's goal to defeat Erik after the embarassing defeat in Blackthorn City


Why would you tell us Ashley's future plans? You're spoiling your own story. We won't be surprised, now, when the betrayal happens. You could have set up something really nice here, instead of doing something that we already know is going to happen now.
Again this is why I am accepting criticism. I didnt quite know how to add her personality in.

~



When there's a pause, there's a comma. I'm very happy to see you lowercased 'said', though. Well done.

If you started out in past tense, you have to stick to it. So either write everything in past tense - he walked, he asked, he wondered - or present tense. (He walks, he asks, he wonders.)

We don't need to know this. As of yet it's not important what he's wearing. If you were simply using his clothes to show us who he was, then that'd be slightly better, but you tell us who he is right after this segment, so that isn't the case.

Starting out with description is good, but not when you're describing your character. We should find out more about gradually and as the story unfolds, not all at once. Plus, it's not relevant here. The colour of his t-shirt doesn't matter.

You need a comma before 'master' - and a capital letter, I think, if it's a title - because this is a case of direct address. You're direct addressing an individual by using a name, title, or other indication of that specific person. For example:

"Hey, you!"

"Wait for me, Ann!"

"I don't know, kid."

I'd put a period/full-stop after Andy, because that is where the sentence ends. 'If we move' is an entirely separate sentence.

One more example of direct address. I'm sure you can find the rest yourself, so I'm not going to point out all of them.

Another example of your tenses being a bit screwy. If you start in past, then stick to it. There are more cases of this happening, but I'll leave them for you to change.



Wait, is this you talking to the reader, or is it actual description? If it's the latter, then you should really think about redoing it. When describing clothes - though I'm not in favour of doing that when it's not relevant to what is going on - you should describe the actual clothes, not comparing them to something readers may or may not know. Is Team Magma even relevant here?
Ya i didnt quite know how to describe the clothes but as you suggested i might as well just get rid of it if it is irrelevant

You have to identify all speakers when more than two people are talking. We know that the first speaker is Ashley, but we don't know who the second one is. Is it this 'master' guy, or Robert? We can assume, but never know for sure until you tell us.
okay thank you


Don't talk to your readers, please. The thing about matching outfits could have been put in the actual description, not randomly thrown in afterwards. Also, I'm a bit miffed at the only girl of the bunch staying because 'she likes some guy'. I'd say that someone with such strong convictions would not stay with people she doesn't agree with simply because there's a cute guy involved.

Also, if she's so contrary and disagrees with everything said, then why is she even an admin or consulted in things? If someone is always going to disagree, then having them on board seems counter-productive.
I had a feeling this was not going to work out. I am probably going to completely redo her personality and bio


We don't want to know this! Look, there's something in fanfiction that's called 'showing, not telling'. It means that if you want your readers to know something, you should show it in the story and not outright tell them. For example, here you want the readers to know Mike likes Ashley. Instead of just telling us 'Mike likes Ashley', you should show it through their actions and words. Let your readers find out for themselves instead of dumping it on them.

He already has Jirachi? How? Why? Is this going to be addressed at all, or are we just to assume that this powerful legendary showed up randomly and begged to be caught?
Again... i probably should have put that in the bio because it was left from one of my older fan fics


Who is talking? I honestly cannot tell who is talking here. One of them is the master, I think, but who is the other? You need to let us know these things. Also, where is the logic in them going in a group of three and him going alone?
They are going with a team. I think i quite clearly said that they were taking a team there. The boss is doing his 'boss' thing and of course he won't be going alone.

~

So far this needs a lot of work. You're telling us way too many things, both in the character profiles and the actual story. We want to find out about them, not find them dumped on us all in one go. It needs to be exciting, not a list of facts.

I would truly suggest that you find yourself a beta-reader to work with. Have him or her explain storytelling to you, because doing so here would take me ages. Show, don't tell, is an especially important term you need to be aware of. Same goes for punctuation, though I've already explained a few things.

Let me know if you have further questions!

Good luck.
I appreciate all criticism and helpful hints. I will make sure to correct my mistakes. Thanks again
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Old April 6th, 2010, 05:40 PM
TheGinger63's Avatar
TheGinger63
PKMN Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Blackthorn City, Johto
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
New Bark Town

"Hey Professor, is that him? The one who disappeared over six years ago?" one of Professor Elm's aides asked.

At this point, a group of aides and the Pokemon Professor himself found themselves gawking at this unbelievable sight; the return of a young boy who had gone missing years earlier.

The boy was in fact a teenager. It did not look like he had been in any danger at all. He wore what seemed to brand new clothing. His white shirt, tan cargo pants, and blue jacket was all free from any damage whatsoever. He was not injured nor hurt at all. It was questionable if he had gone missing, or simply run away.

"It can not be! He was reported dead!" Elm shouted. "Quick someone get him before he leaves!"

One of the aides instantly sprinted outside.

"I do not believe this... it is impossible," Elm said, still shocked.

"Uh, hello Professor," the now young adult said.

"Nick, where did you go? I-I thought you were dead."

"It is a long story Professor, do you mind if I return to Blackthorn now? I am sure my mother is worried," Nick asked, taking a couple steps toward the door.

"That is why I called you in. You see, your mother went missing a couple days ago. As soon as I heard, I went to see what happened. The house had been broken into. Anything of value had been taken and anything that remained had been destroyed. Someone must be looking for you because they left this behind," Elm explained, handing Nick a note.

Nick read the note. When he finished it, he crumpled it in disgust.

"Let's go Arcanine!"

"Wait, where are you going?" Elm asked, slightly panicked.

"Where else would I go, Team Amazon has a target on their back now and they had better hope that I won't find them," Nick said in anger.

Without another word, Nick jumped on Arcanine and the two sped out of New Bark Town and headed to Blackthorn City. They quickly ripped through Route 29 and were on Route 45 within five minutes.

Nearly there....

"Hey you! Slow it down!" a trainer about Nick's age shouted.

The trainer was dressed in a dark outfit with purple lining and a matching purple cape. He had messy, dirty blond hair and a purple headband.

Nick and Arcanine came to a quick stop.

"Where exactly are you... WAIT A SECOND! NICK, IS THAT YOU!?" the trainer asked.

"Yeah I am Nick, who are you though?" Nick responded.

"Maybe this will make you remember..." the trainer said, pulling out half of a fog badge.

"ERIK!?" Nick yelled in amazement.

"That's right. So where did you disappear to? You have been gone for six years!"

"Well I ran into Team Amazon on my way to get my first Pokemon and they forced me and any others in the area to join. The mark they gave me is still here." Nick responded, rolling up his left arm sleeve. He revealed a faded green, leaf shaped tattoo. The leaf had a small black A in the center of it.

"Oh, well good to have you back," Erik muttered, shocked at the tattoo. "So, where are you off to?"

"Team Amazon struck again. They want revenge so they thought it would be a good idea to ransack my house and kidnap my mother."

"What!? When did this happen?" Erik asked.

"According to Elm, it happen just over a week ago," Nick responded.

"Well that explains why I heard nothing of it, I was training with Steven the Sevii Islands."

"Steven? Are you talking about the former Hoenn Champion?"

"That's the one. I ran into him and foolishly challenged him to a battle. The battle did not last long and for the first time since facing Clair, my Typhlosion was defeated. After the battle, he offered to teach me how to be a better trainer." Erik explained.

"Wow." Nick said, speechless.

"In fact, I wonder if you have gotten stronger. How about a battle?" Erik asked.

"Uh-"

"Actually you do not have a choice. If you plan on taking on Team Amazon then you are going to need to get stronger. I choose you Ninetales!" Erik said, calling his Ninetales into battle.

"Come on Erik! I guess there is no running now. Alright Arcanine lets go!" Nick said.

"Your move..." Erik muttered.

"Arcanine start up with a flamethrower!"

Nick's Arcanine sprayed a line of fire from its mouth. Erik's Ninetales simply absorbed the attack due to its flash fire.

"Ha, you completely forgot about Ninetales's flash fire ability! Now Ninetales use confuse ray!" Eriks commanded.

The Ninetales shot a ray at Arcanine which seemed to baffle the mighty beast.

"Come on Arcanine! Snap out of it!" Nick screamed.

"Now Ninetales, use your dark pulse!"

Ninetales sent a horrible aura at Arcanine. It hit and did massive damage to Arcanine.

"Arcanine are you alright? Try your extremespeed attack!" Nick commanded.

The damage received from dark pulse had been enough to snap Arcanine out of its confusion. Arcanine charged at Ninetales, quickly gaining speed.

"Dodge it Ninetales, and use return!" Erik shouted.

Ninetales attempted to dodge Arcanine, but Arcanine was just too quick. Arcanine slammed into Ninetales at full force and sent Ninetales flying into the mountainside.

"NO! Ninetales, return!" Erik said, calling Ninetales back to its pokeball. "Not bad Nick, not bad at all. Try standing up to Swampert though!"

Erik called forth one of his most trusted companions. The mud fish stood tall, waiting for its orders.

"Come back Arcanine. I choose you, Nidoking!" Nick shouted, sending out his Nidoking while his exhausted Arcanine rested by his side.

Nidoking? This is new...

"Okay Swampert, start with water pulse attack!" Erik commanded.

Swampert shot a sphere of water at Nidoking. The attack hit Nidoking head on and inflicted a lot of damage.

"Hang in there Nidoking..." Nick muttered, thinking of a clever way to strike back. "Nidoking, jump into the air!"

Nick was using a strategy he had seen while watching a battle in the Kanto region that took place in a conference. It had been used to increase the power of a Nidoqueen's attack.

"Okay Nidoking, use your Megahorn attack!" Nick commanded.

"Swampert, dig underground!" Erik shouted.

Swampert quickly made its way underground, just escaping Nidoking's attack.

"Nidoking, rat it out with an earthquake." Nick said with a grin.

"Oh no... Swampert get out!" Erik screamed.

Unfortunately it was too late. Nidoking threw its fist at the ground, which sent powerful shock waves throughout the area. Swampert had almost made it to the surface but it had been hit and knocked out.

"Swampert return..." Erik said, calling back the Swampert that laid at the bottom of a pit.

"So, how is my battling skills now Erik?" Nick asked.

"Average. I'm not holding anything back now. Let's go Dragonite!"

"Dragonite? Okay, return Nidoking! Let's finish this Umbreon!" Nick shouted, calling out one of his most loyal pokemon.

"Well if it isn't my pokemon nemesis. I have always had trouble against these guys..." Erik muttered.

"Umbreon use confuse ray!" Nick shouted.

Umbreon shot a ray at Dragonite. The Dragonite was quick however, and the attack missed.

"Ha, you're going to have to do much better than that. Dragonite use draco meteor!"

Dragonite gathered all of its strength and sent meteors hurling at Umbreon. There was no escape this time, and Umbreon was hit hard by one of the falling meteors.

"Umbreon are you okay? Try a dark pulse attack." Nick commanded.

Umbreon tried to attack, but the damage from draco meteor proved to be too much and Umbreon had fainted.

"No! Umbreon!" Nick screamed. He called Umbreon back to its pokeball.

"Okay, you have seen what Dragonite can do and I have seen how strong you are. I will let you off this time." Erik said with a grin.

"I have to go now," Nick said, breaking into a run.

"Whoa, wait! You are not going to take on Team Amazon alone!" Erik said, running after Nick.

"Okay then, hope you can keep up!"

The two trainers started up the Route and headed to Blackthorn City.
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  #8    
Old April 8th, 2010, 07:52 AM
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Plenty of action, an overdone plot and a repetitive team. I hope that there is something good later in the plot. At this stage, it is not promising.
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Old April 8th, 2010, 10:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Silver Prince View Post
Plenty of action, an overdone plot and a repetitive team. I hope that there is something good later in the plot. At this stage, it is not promising.
k thx for the comment

Quote:
Originally Posted by matsuda's being stupid again View Post
this sucks even more than your old fanfics XD
erik... i said i was open to constructive criticism....
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Old April 8th, 2010, 10:49 AM
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Well, man, you can sprite well!
Don't you think that you need to be a little more descriptive?
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Old April 8th, 2010, 10:51 AM
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Quote:
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Well, man, you can sprite well!
Don't you think that you need to be a little more descriptive?
lol thx. Ya i am still working on the description, that was always one of my weaker areas.
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Old April 8th, 2010, 10:55 AM
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Okay. I meant to add that there are some bits of information that are not of relevance to the central plot like Nick's being the Pokemon Master of Hoenn and Kanto.
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Old April 8th, 2010, 01:04 PM
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What I noticed in the prologue:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
This was no ordinary man. In fact, this man almost caused an apocalypse in the very region he is standing in now. His outfit consisted of a green and black coat, black pants and black shoes. The portion of his coat that was black had a small green 'A' patched into it. He was no ordinary man; he was the leader of a fallen organization known as Team Amazon.
Repetition. We already know he's not ordinary; there's no need to tell us twice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Ashley enough!
This should read "Ashley, enough!", for omitting the comma makes "Ashley" look like an adverb.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Just this time? Come on! The worst possible thing that could happen is that our operation will fail again(.)" chuckled the last member in the room.
I added an exclamation mark to the sentence, since it was missing punctuation. The second period should also be a lovely comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Shut up, Mike! You are not funny!" all of the members screamed in unison.
You were missing punctuation again; also, I can't imagine someone screaming "You are not". In anger or irritation, humans speed their speech up, making this sentence seem awkward. You should change it to "You're not" to make it more realistic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Yes, but where would we find them? They are Legendary after all(.)" Ashley snorted.
Again, assuming that "snorted", which can be used as a speech-like verb, is directed at this sentence (if you wanted it just to be "Ashley snorted.", you would need to make a new paragraph for it), that period needs to be changed into a comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Luckily for us I already have Jirachi(.)" Andy replied.
See above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"That will never fail to capture a Pokemon. It was specially made to capture Legendary Pokemon and steal their power. You will know that all the power has been drained when the pokeball turns black. It will not kill the Pokemon, however it will drain any powers that it has(.)" the Leader replied. "No off with you, and do not fail me!"
See above the above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Very well, we will not fail you Master(.)" the Admins responded, quickly exiting the cave.
See above x3.

In Chapter One:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
The boy(,) was in fact a teenager.
Unnecessary comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"I do not believe this... it is impossible(.)" Elm said, still shocked.
Again, this period needs to be a comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Uh, hello Professor(.)" the now young adult said.
See above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"It is a long story Professor, do you mind if I return to Blackthorn now? I am sure my mother is worried(.)" Nick asked, taking a couple steps toward the door.
See above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
Someone must be looking for you because they left this behind(.)" Elm said, handing Nick a note.
You use the verb "said" a lot; in this sentence, why not spice it up by using "explained"?

Also, see above for period error.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Where else would I go, Team Amazon has a target on their back now and they had better hope that I won't find them(.)" Nick said in anger.
See above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Where exactly are you... WAIT A SECOND! NICK, IS THAT YOU!?" the trainer asked.
I added a comma here, since it makes more sense that way. You could also use an exclamation mark.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"ERIK!?" Nick said in amazement.
He said that? I doubt it. Change it with a verb with more zeal. "Yelled", "cried", "yelped", "hollered", etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"Oh, well good to have you back(.)" Erik muttered, shocked at the tattoo
Period=Comma error again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"According to Elm, it happen just over a week ago." Nick responded.
See above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick815
"I have to go now." Nick said, breaking into a run.
See above.

The battle scene lacks detail, too.

The plot in itself is simple and a bit over-used. I hope you've brainstormed this and come up with twists, turns, and an epic finish, or people will lose interest.
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  #14    
Old April 8th, 2010, 01:15 PM
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TheGinger63
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Blackthorn City, Johto
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yusshin View Post
What I noticed in the prologue:



Repetition. We already know he's not ordinary; there's no need to tell us twice.



This should read "Ashley, enough!", for omitting the comma makes "Ashley" look like an adverb.



I added an exclamation mark to the sentence, since it was missing punctuation. The second period should also be a lovely comma.



You were missing punctuation again; also, I can't imagine someone screaming "You are not". In anger or irritation, humans speed their speech up, making this sentence seem awkward. You should change it to "You're not" to make it more realistic.



Again, assuming that "snorted", which can be used as a speech-like verb, is directed at this sentence (if you wanted it just to be "Ashley snorted.", you would need to make a new paragraph for it), that period needs to be changed into a comma.



See above.



See above the above.



See above x3.

In Chapter One:



Unnecessary comma.



Again, this period needs to be a comma.



See above.



See above.



You use the verb "said" a lot; in this sentence, why not spice it up by using "explained"?

Also, see above for period error.



See above.



I added a comma here, since it makes more sense that way. You could also use an exclamation mark.



He said that? I doubt it. Change it with a verb with more zeal. "Yelled", "cried", "yelped", "hollered", etc.



Period=Comma error again.



See above.



See above.

The battle scene lacks detail, too.

The plot in itself is simple and a bit over-used. I hope you've brainstormed this and come up with twists, turns, and an epic finish, or people will lose interest.
Thanks a bunch for the input. I will make necessary changes. I know I need to redo the entire battle scene. Lastly I have a lot planned for the finale, provided i will get around to it. Thanks again
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