The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.


Advertise here

Reply
Click here to go to the first staff post in this thread.  
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old April 4th, 2010, 05:16 AM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male

Advertise here
Summary: READ THE STORY YOURSELF, I'M NOT GIVING ANY SPOILERS

Rating: PG-13 = Violence, mild language, dialog.

Author's Note: This is what happens if you played too much Heart Gold Soul Silver, 16, loves violence, Pokemon and cursing, and you think the anime sucks.

I hope you like my story, cause whether you like it or not I'm gonna post whatever the hell I want, got it? :< I'll try to make sense, brace yourselves.

Also, do not bump my thread. If you do, and it gets closed, I will kill you. It takes a long time to write a new chapter, people.

INDEX:

CHAPTER 1: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpos...60&postcount=3
CHAPTER 2: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpos...7&postcount=23
CHAPTER 3: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpos...4&postcount=26

- PROLOGUE -


"Erik." A voice said.

I groaned, as I knew whose voice it was.

"Erik, it's time to get up." the voice said. The voice was soft, I guess it was because she knew that you don't like hearing loud voices in the morning.

"Five more minutes." I groaned, as I was in my bed, and then I felt a hand shaking me.

"Erik, I know you don't want to get up, but honey you have to do something for your father today." the voice said.

Reluctantly, I pulled my covers off to see my mother, Angelina sitting on my bed. She had golden hair that fell across her shoulders, her eyes were a bright turquoise. That's my mom, Angelina Walker, my over-protective mother.

"What is it this time?" I groaned again, as I already knew the answer.

"He wants you to go pick up some wood, we're out of fire in our fireplace." my mother said, as she got up from my bed to let me get up.

"He says he thinks you should become a lumberjack like him-,"

"Sorry mom, but I can't. That's not my dream job, okay? Tell him that." I interjected, as I pushed her out of the my room so that I could get dressed, and then I slammed the door.

I heard her on the other side of the door, sighing as she went downstairs.

My name is Erik Walker, I'm a 16 year old guy with no job, no ambition, and no life whatsoever. I sported black, messy hair, I'm 5'04", a medium build, bright purple eyes, and I have long legs. The purple eyes is a weird genetic mix-up, the doctors at the hospital I was born in told me that I had really weird genes, even though my mother and father were fine.

I live in Pallet Town, the smallest town of the Kanto region. I have 3 neighbors, and no friends. Apparently, no one likes me.

Me and my family moved here 3 years ago from Ecruteak City, my dad was fired from his job as a restaurant owner so we had to move someplace smaller. We would've moved to New Bark Town if it wasn't already booked out, every frickin' house was taken, geez.

And so we moved to Pallet Town, a small, desolate place in the middle of nowhere. It's nothing compared to Ecruteak City, this is like a hick town.

I got dressed quickly, and tried to rush out of the door but my mom stopped me.

"Stop and eat breakfast," she said, and I reluctantly went into the kitchen.

The kitchen was an average kitchen (actually it was smaller), refrigerator, oven, stove, and a table in the middle of it. I sat down at that table, and made myself some eggs and toast as my mom began to talk to me.

"Erik, have you ever thought of getting a job?" she asked.

(Oh boy,) I thought, (here we go again.).

"I'm getting a job next month," I said, putting aside the topic as I took my cooked food and sat down.

"You said that last month." my mom said.

Oh ****.

"Erik," as she continued, "I think you should work in Viridian City if you don't want to be a lumberjack."

The story of why my father was a lumberjack was simple: it was the only job available, and it gave good pay, but it was back breaking work. Literally. My dad works in Viridian Forest, chopping down wood and making it into paper. Why didn't they use Pokemon, you ask? Well, Pokemon needed food, water and shelter, and the lumberjack's pay was limited, so they had to do everything by hand. Which was why I also had to get the wood myself since we didn't own a Pokemon.

"I'll work there, fine. I gotta go." I said, wolfing down my food as I left my house before my mom could say anything else.

I walked on a path carved from our house to the main path, and began walking.

I looked around Pallet Town, seeing wild Pidgey fly across the sky, people leaving their humble homes as I walked to Route 1.

Once I got there, I made sure to spray myself with Repel, an item that prevents Pokemon from attacking you for a while. It smelled like a Grimer, ugh....

I walked around, looking for wood. I thought about a lot of stuff while doing this, such as my father.

My father, Jonathan Walker, was a guy you would call a family man. He cared for us so much he would do a job that put him in a lot of pain every day to not see us suffer. Mom though I hated dad, but I didn't. I just wasn't a people person, I was shy, and I can't really talk to people.

I saw a pile of wood that would end my wood search, as I walked to it I heard something panting behind me. I carefully looked behind me, to see a orange lizard with a flame on the tip of it's orange tail. It was a Pokemon, and it's blue eyes looked at me. It wasn't one I've ever seen, so it must've been rare.

I looked back at it, and I could tell it was in pain. It panted heavily, as it walked towards me.

I didn't understand why the Repel wasn't working, and then it was clear: it wore off.

Damn it. I gotta get out of here now. Anything can attack me now.

The Pokemon said a "Char...", as I backed away. "Stop right there," I yelled, but it didn't stop walking towards me. (Is it hungry, or tired?) I thought, and then began walking away from it, not turning my back away from it.

It panted, and then started to walk faster. The Pokemon had scars all over it, and it's flame was very, very low. It seriously looked like it could pass out, no die any moment.

Whether it was tired, hungry, or in need of help, I don't care. Pokemon maybe cute, cuddly and cool to some people, but I know for a fact that some can rip your head off the second they get the chance, which was why I needed to leave.

As I walked backwards, I bumped into a tree, injuring my head.

"Ow!" I yelped, as I backed away from it.

I looked at the tree, and my fear began to set in.

I bumped into a Kakuna, a cocoon Pokemon. It was a yellow cocoon with black eyes that opened and looked at me maliciously. I had disturbed it's sleep, and I could literally feel it was angry.

The lizard Pokemon was afraid as well, as it began to walk away from me and the tree.

When I thought nothing could get worse, it did.

The Kakuna began to crack open, and a white spear began poking out of it.

It was the hatching of a Beedrill, a bee-like Pokemon with two white spears and it was one of the maddest Pokemon known, it was always angry at something. Anything that mad it mad would feel it's wrath.

And I had made it mad.

I heard more cracking sounds, and I looked around the trees around me to see they were all filled with Kakuna.

I. Was. Screwed.

I then began to run, the lizard Pokemon as well. We both knew that if we stayed there any longer we would be dead.

Then the buzzing sounds came in. All of the Beedrill had hatched, and they were angry. I didn't know why the rest were angry at me, but I needed to get out of there regardless.

The lizard and me began running even faster, but the Beedrill were close by.

They finally reached us, except they attacked the lizard Pokemon first, began jabbing him with their needles. The lizard Pokemon yelped, as it tripped.

I know I didn't care for the Pokemon before, but I knew that if I left it back there, it would die.

And that was why I went back, even though my whole body, down to the cells, wanted to get out of there.

I eventually found the lizard Pokemon, who being jabbed by 4 Beedrill.

"Hey, get away from that Pokemon!" I yelled, grabbing a nearby long stick, and began waving it around, causing the Beedrill to move away from the Pokemon so that I could grab it.

"Come on buddy, don't give up on me now." I whispered in it's ear hole. The lizard Pokemon looked at me, with hope of surviving this ordeal in it's eyes.

Then, I looked up to see the Beedrill had surrounded us. On of them attempted to hurt the lizard, but I waved my stick at it, which it broke.

Next, a Beedrill jabbed me, making me yelp and almost drop the lizard Pokemon, but I held on to it firmly.

After that, they began jabbing me some more, my jacket was filled with holes and I had many puncture wounds where blood poured out. I think they were enjoying this.

Then, a humongous Beedrill came up to me, and jabbed my in the chest, attempting to hurt the lizard.

This time I fell over, he had punctured my lung. My breathing became unsteady, and the lizard was hurt as well.

The big Beedrill tried to hurt the lizard Pokemon again, but I lunged and got my stomach hit with his poison filled main needle. I gasped from the pain, and the poison oozed into my blood system.

The lizard Pokemon used it tail to scare off the Bee Pokemon, after I had fell over. It looked at me, obviously worried.

"Don't worry about me, buddy." I smiled. I wondered why I saved it, why did I risk my life for it?

And that left one answer: I couldn't let something die without me dieing myself, and that extended to Pokemon. I cursed myself for my stupid pity, but I couldn't say it aloud, as my consciousness was slowly slipping away.

The lizard looked at me, and then it's face changed, like it was mad.

It turned back to the Beedrill, glared at all of them, and even though I could barely see, I could see and hear they felt uneasy.

Then, the lizard's tail fire began getting bigger and bigger, until it was almost as big as the lizard. It's tail, once before barely as big as a lighter's flame, was now as big as a campfire's. I could only watch in awe, as the lizard shouted "CHAAAAR!", and blew fire from it's mouth. The Beedrill caught fire, as they screamed in extreme pain as they all left, leaving me and the lizard alone.

The lizard Pokemon staggered toward me, and it's flame went back to it's original size. It fell down next to me, it's eyes tired as well.

What had happened, I didn't care. I don't think I would've asked if I could've either.

I mustered something out of me, saying "Thanks, Pokemon. What's your name?" I asked.

"Charmander." It said weakly. It was dying, and I could see it.

"Thanks Charmander, thanks for saving my ass." I laughed, as Charmander laughed weakly as well. It was weird, we were both dying, but yet we still found the time to laugh. I guess that's a sign how close we are to death....

We both looked up into the sky. It was still morning, I looked at my watch to see I only gone for two hours, but it felt like two days.

I was tired, and then I looked back to see Charmander had already closed it's eyes.

I thought about how Charmander saved me, and how I saved it. Maybe Pokemon aren't so bad after all...

I reminisced as I remembered my life and my past experiences, and all the stuff I wanted to do that would never be complete. Like see him again...

Then, slowly but surely, mines did as well, and I fell unconscious.

- END OF PROLOGUE -
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.

Last edited by Meta-Morph; April 7th, 2010 at 01:38 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old April 4th, 2010, 04:12 PM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male
Okay, any reviews, comments on my FF? Can I make it better?
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old April 5th, 2010, 03:42 AM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male
(Okay, I'll just post the first Chapter then. Be warned, this is longer than the Prologue because things are going to get complicated.)

- CHAPTER 1 -

(Ugh, where am I..?) I thought.

Then, suddenly it all came back to me, my memory. I remembered that I left the house, and met a lizard Pokemon named...

"CHARMANDER!" I yelled, as my eyes opened, but then I was blinded by the bright light.

(Where the hell am I?) I thought, (Am I dead?!?).

Once my sight recovered, it only took me a second to know that I wasn't in heaven or hell. It was a hospital.

I looked around, and I smelled medicine from not far away. (Peppermint,) I thought. I looked at myself.

I had stitchings al over my body, most noticeably my stomach. I had a tube inside my right arm, and I was wearing a white hospital gown in a hospital bed.

I looked over to the right side to see a food tray. Even though it was disgusting, I gradually ate the milk, mini pancakes and scrambled eggs.

"Erik, dear!" I heard, as I looked up my mother came running to my side, hugging me(and choking)with love.

"Mom..." I whispered in her ear, "Let go...."

"Oh sorry, dear." she said, letting me go instantly.

I looked at her, and even though it was faint, I could still see the salt in her eyes. She had been crying....for me probably.

Then it hit me; what about dad?

My questioned was answered for me.

"Hey sport," I heard, as my mother and I looked behind us to see my father. "How're you feeling?"

"I'm fine, don't worry about me." I said, as I tried to get up, but then I collapsed. I still wasn't healed enough.

"I wouldn't try that if I were you," I heard ahead of me. My mom and dad parted away from my bed so that I could see a man wearing a doctor's attire.

"Who're you?" I asked bluntly, ignoring my mother's glare.

"I'm Doctor House," he also said bluntly, "I'm your doctor. You need to rest for at least a day, son."

"Don't call me your son, my damn father is right here you douche." I growled. My parents only looked at me like I was crazy, but House just laughed.

"Ha ha, sorry about that. But in all seriousness, you should rest, Erik. I just want the best for you." he said, trying to comfort me.

I could already see this guy was going to be a problem. I would've got up his ass about it, but then I remembered something.

"Where's Charmander?" I asked, only to be greeted by confused looks.

"Oh, you mean the orange lizard Pokemon?" House asked, as I nodded he said "He was taken by his original owner."

"His WHAT?" I was about to say more, but then House cut me off. "I can already see this is aggravating you. No more talking until he sleeps."

"But, he's our son-," My mom said, I could already see she was going to cry.

"I'm truly sorry ma'am, but your son needs to rest before we can talk to him again." House said, as he led my already crying mother and my father trying to comfort her out the room, leaving me alone again.

After that, I began thinking. (Original owner? Does it have a Trainer?) I thought, as I flopped onto the bed, feeling the pillow under my head as I plopped it down onto it.

(Charmander probably does have a Trainer, or maybe a owner....) I thought, as I turned to the right side of the bed.

I got up and turned off the light(It was very bright, and I had to turn it off even if I was in pain), and I went to the bathroom.

After doing my business, I washed my hands and looked into the mirror. My face was the only thing unharmed from the Beedrill, and I looked at my back (or at least tried to, it was very hard), to see even more scars. Damn, was I really that beat up.

I left the bathroom, and noticed there was a clock near my hospital bed. It said April 5th, 2010.

Wait....I left the house at April 2nd.....

"HOLY CRAP I WAS ASLEEP FOR 3 DAYS??!?!" I shouted, and fell on my bed. No wonder my family was worried about me....I was in a coma for 3 days!

I decided I had to let my mind rest, so I climbed into the bed, and went to sleep almost immediately.

LATER.....

After that, I woke up in the morning to see doctor House, as I groaned.

"What? Not happy to see me?" he chuckled, as I just glared as he walked towards me.

"What do you want?" I said bluntly.

"Well, you're being taken out of the hospital now, you're fine." he said, already undoing my tubes.

"Say what?" I said, surprised.

"Most of your wounds were easy to fix, so all you needed was to sleep and now you can leave. Just remember not to do anything that involves hard work for 3 days, okay?" House answered, as he then began to walk towards the door.

"Get dressed, and take this." he said, throwing an index card at me.

"What the hell is this?" I said, as I looked at it to gasp.

"The owner of that Pokemon you rescued told me to give it to you. He's known as-,"

"PROFESSOR OAK?!?! I SAVED PROF. OAK'S POKEMON?!?!" I shouted, as I looked at the index card in excitement.

"You know him?" House said, rather surprised.

"In Johto, he's a celebrity. EVERY ONE in Johto listens to his Radio Show with D.J. Mary! Holy crap, was that Charmander really his??!!" I said, unable to stop panting.

"Calm down. Huh, so I guess you're in his debt. He said he wanted to see you as soon as possible. Well, goodbye Erik." House said, closing door as I immediately got dressed. I had to see this man as soon as possible, sorry mom and dad. I just gotta meet him!

LATER....

"Prof. Oak!?!" They both said, as I explained about the index card Doctor House just gave me.

"Yeah! I have to meet him, he lives in Pallet Town right???" I said, eager to meet him.

"You should rest, Erik...." my mother said, but my dad had a different answer. "Hell yes!"

"Jonathan!" my mother scolded, but my dad continued talking. "Erik, go meet that man today, got it? We'll meet you when we get home, until then take care!" with that, my father left me.

I sighed, because my dad loved Prof. Oak. He was the one when we lived in Johto to listen to his radio shows, and he still does, even in Kanto.

I left the hospital to smell in the fresh air of Pallet Town. Pallet Town used to not have a Pokemon Center or Human Hospital but they were just built this year.

I then walked to Oak Hill.

LATER....

I looked upon the great hill in awe of how tall it was. Oak Hill was where Prof. Oak conducted his research, because he was a Pokemon Professor, which meant he studied Pokemon like 3 other professors.

As I walked up the hill on the only path leading up, I saw kids battling with their Pokemon. Here, Prof. Oak gave new Pokemon Trainers their first Pokemon, and where Prof. Elm, the Pokemon Professor of my home region began his career here as I student of Prof. Oak. I remember that when I was in school when I was 10 that Elm had came over to my school and said Oak studied the relationships between Pokemon and Humans, which inspired him to become a Professor.

I made it to the top of hill, and knocked on the door of the great mansion that was before me. He has a mansion because he lived and worked here, not to mention have Pokemon of his own.

In only a few seconds the door was opened, and I saw Prof. Oak.

"Why hello, are you Erik?" he asked warmly. It felt somehow very pleasant to be next to this old man.

"Er, yeah, I'm Erik-," I began to say, as Oak took my hand and pulled me inside.

"Ah, wonderful to see you. I want to talk you." Oak said, as I just followed him.

We walked down the hall, and turned left into a room where you could hear machines hum as we went inside.

"I want to talk about you saving Charmander." Oak said, as we sat down on a couch.

"Okay, what about it?" I asked.

"Him. Charmander apparently has taken a liking to you, and it's Trainer complained that ever since he got back he will not listen to him." Oak said, as I blinked a few times before answering.

"Oh....are you saying you're angry at me?"

"Not at all! In fact, I'm overjoyed! That Charmander is one of the most troubling Pokemon I've ever had, he never listens to me or his Trainers. But it seems he likes you, so you must have a special bond to that Pokemon!" Oak said, and I could literally feel the excite come off of him.

"Um, okay...why does it like me?" I asked.

"Well, some Pokemon are different than others, and Charmander doesn't like Humans." Oak explained.

"Why? He lives in a world full of them, and other Pokemon have no problems with us." I added.

"Charmander has no family or friends." Oak said.

"Why is that?"

"Charmander's entire family and friends were killed and abducted by Humans."

I was stunned. In a world were Humans and Pokemon were best friends, this was unheard of.

"You see, Charmander's entire colony was taken away from him. I know about this because I was near that colony at the time. Can you imagine how he had must have felt, watching as Humans, it's supposed friends, killed and taken his family and friends away from him? He was only a baby at the time. I caught him in a Poke Ball before those ruthless people had taken him as well.

"After that, I watched and studied as that Pokemon became stronger and stronger, but yet still had a hatred for Humans. I was the only exception at the time. Yesterday, Charmander left my lab because he met his Trainer, and was disgusted by him. He left my mansion and went into Route 101, where he met you. But before he met you he had apparently burned some trees with Kakuna on them out of anger...."

(That explains why those other Beedrill attacked me,) I thought. "Why was he covered in scars?" I asked.

"It appears that when I healed him he was training at the time, and he gets hurt while training. The training is very harsh to his body, you see." Oak said.

"But overall, what I just explained is why I want you to become my Assistant." Oak said, looking at me excitably.

I nearly fell off the couch, but I held my balance. Did I just hear what I thought I had just heard? He wants me, a nobody he's never met before in his life to take care of his Pokemon because I saved it?!?!

"I know this sounds crazy," Oak said, he still wasn't finished, "But I want you to be my assistant because you seem to have a special bond with Pokemon. You saved Charmander from those Beedrill even though you could've just run away. I need people like you, those who truly care for Pokemon."

(He has a point there,) I thought. "Okay, so what if I say yes to your proposal?"

"I'll make you an Prof.'s Assistant, and I want you take on the Kanto-Johto Gym Challenge." Oak responded.

I heard of that challenge before. They called it the ultimate test, a Trainer had to go travel Kanto AND Johto to get 8 badges of both regions from places called Pokemon Gyms, a place for Trainers to test their skills and Pokemon against a very strong Trainer called a Gym Leader, who specialized in one type of Pokemon.

"Why??!" I yelled.

"Charmander will not be satisfied with just being a Pokemon that lays around the house, and I'm sure you don't want to be a boring lab assistant anyway, so I think you should be a Field Assistant and take the challenge to satisfy both of your needs." Oak explained.

"One more thing..." I asked once again.

"Yes?"

"Why're you giving me a Pokemon now? Shouldn't I have gotten one at 10?" I asked.

"Well, 10 years ago you would've. However, due to irresponsible Trainers, the government is making Trainers fill out a test form, have money, etc..." Oak sighed.

"What!?! I'm not rich! I'm not smart!" I yelled, as people began knocking on our door due to my shouting.

Oak shooed them away, and said to me "Exactly, which is why Trainers are diminishing. Since I recommended you, they won't object, they trust my word." Oak said proudly.

"Okay, I'll think about it..." I said, and I got up to leave before Oak said "I'm giving Charmander back to his original Trainer tomorrow morning. Erik, Charmander's Trainer is someone who thinks Pokemon are battling tools. Please, think about it." He said, as I sighed and left the mansion and Oak Hill.

I went back home, and told my parents.

I expected the answer.

"HELL NO." my mother and father said in unison. With that, I just sighed and went back to my room. I knew why they both said it....no, I can't talk about it right now.

LATER....

After I ate dinner, it was nighttime. It was 2:00 AM in the morning, and I was still awake, thinking about Charmander and Prof. Oak's proposal.

(What should I do...) I thought, (disobey my parents or let Charmander have a bad Trainer? Why am I even thinking about this?!?!)

I then groaned as I turned over in my bed. Then, I remembered what Oak told me. ('You have a special bond with Pokemon, Erik.') and then I thought (He's right....I should've left Charmander to those Beedrill, but I didn't...what should I do....)

I sighed, as I took out a coin. It was made of gold, it had a Magikarp on one side and a Gyrados tail on the other.

"Heads, go for it. Tails, stay home." I took a deep breath, and flipped.

LATER.....

I knocked on the door of Oak Mansion.

"Hello?" a tired voice called. Oak opened the door, as I greeted him and said "I think I'll take your offer. When do I leave?"

- END OF CHAPTER 1 -
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.

Last edited by Meta-Morph; April 6th, 2010 at 11:41 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old April 5th, 2010, 05:39 AM
jolty94's Avatar
jolty94
N*RGY
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Limassol, Cyprus.
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Modest
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to jolty94 Send a message via Skype™ to jolty94
Nice dude. Great job! :) I like the prologue xD
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5    
Old April 5th, 2010, 05:44 AM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male
Thanks, my first comment in a long time.

Gonna try and post Chapter 2 tonight or tomorrow.
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.
Reply With Quote
  #6    
Old April 5th, 2010, 05:52 AM
jolty94's Avatar
jolty94
N*RGY
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Limassol, Cyprus.
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Modest
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to jolty94 Send a message via Skype™ to jolty94
Yay! xD It's a good fanfic, with new ideas :p
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #7    
Old April 5th, 2010, 06:05 AM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male
Like what?

We can VM, you know.
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.
Reply With Quote
  #8    
Old April 5th, 2010, 07:10 AM
jolty94's Avatar
jolty94
N*RGY
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Limassol, Cyprus.
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Modest
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to jolty94 Send a message via Skype™ to jolty94
I don't know just new ideas :/ Like i've never seen before xD What does VM mean?
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #9    
Old April 5th, 2010, 04:22 PM
Aquerex's Avatar
Aquerex
A New Beggining
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Mahogany Town
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Awesome fanfic! Can't wait to read Chapter 2!

(And jolty94, VM means "Visitor Message".)
__________________

"The Teacher of Winter's Harshness"

Sorry I have been so inactive.
Reply With Quote
  #10    
Old April 5th, 2010, 04:29 PM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male
Thanks. All comments are appreciated.

Chapter 2 will be done tomorrow, or the day after that if I'm not busy. It should come at night, got TAKS tests.
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.
Reply With Quote
  #11    
Old April 6th, 2010, 04:53 AM
Silawen's Avatar
Silawen
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Send a message via AIM to Silawen

Good afternoon! I felt the urge to review again, so I randomly chose a fic. Yours happened to be the one. Hopefully my comments will be of use to you.

~

First of all, I would advice against bolding your entire story. It gets straining on the eye and can, especially with certain forum styles, blend in awkwardly. Plus, you really don't need to bold it, do you? Everything can be read perfectly even if you don't.

Quote:
"Erik," a voice said.


Punctuating dialogue is pretty difficult, I have to admit. I had plenty of trouble with it too, at first. However, learning how to punctuate properly is only going to make your story better, so I figured I'd show you how it's done. Once you get the hang of it, it's really rewarding, trust me.

"Hello," she said.

Just like your sentence, you get a comma after the spoken sentence and a lowercased word after it. This is because 'said' is a speech verb. It's a verb that you can use to indicate someone is talking. (Much like 'whispered', 'asked', 'murmured', 'yelled', etc. Not to be confused with verbs that only produce sounds, not words.)

You can also substitute the comma for a question mark or exclamation point when you want to ask or shout something. The word after it still remains lowercased, though.

When you're not using a speech verb, you get something like this:

"Hello." The girl waved.

The girl isn't waving a sentence, so the 'waved' clearly isn't a speech verb. As a result you get a period/full-stop at the end of the spoken sentence and a capital letter at the start of the one following it.

It's a bit tricky, so let me know if something isn't quite clear.

Quote:
I groaned, as I knew whose voice it was.


Who's stands for 'who is', not the possessive. So you'd say 'who's making such a noise?' When you want to imply someone owns something, then you say 'does anyone know whose bag that is?'

Quote:
"Erik, it's time to get up," the voice said.


Can I just say that I'm very happy to see you understand direct address? It makes me jittery with excitement. XD

I showed you the correct punctuation one more time, as an extra example. I'm not going to change all of them, however, as I'm sure you can catch the others.

Quote:
It was a heavenly smooth voice and its sound made your ears happy to hear something so beautiful.


It's stands for 'it is', much like who's stood for 'who is'. The possessive of 'it' is 'its'. The fox waved its tail about, for example.

Also, the two sentences 'it was a heavenly smooth voice' and 'Its sound made your ears happy' are really two separate sentences, so if you want to combine them you can't just use a comma. I'd add 'and' instead.

[quote]
"Five more minutes," I groaned, as I was in my bed, and pulled my clothing over my head.[/quote

Writers are often urged to write out any numbers below a hundred. So 'five', not '5'. Also, you pull your clothing over your head, not whatever it is that you had. Granted, I'm a bit surprised that he's groaning about wanting five more minutes and yet, while still in bed, immediately puts his clothes on.

Quote:
"Erik, I know you don't want to get up, but please, honey, you have to do something for your father today," the voice said.


Much like you did with 'Erik', honey is also something that gets a comma before it. It's still a case of direct address, because she's directly referring to someone by some sort of name. ('Honey', in this case.)

Quote:
She had golden hair that fell across her shoulders, her eyes were a bright turquoise, and her skin was silky smooth. If I didn't know she was my mom, I would've thought she was an angel that descended on earth.


You need a verb in that second fragment. Additionally, I'd use 'know' instead of 'think'. People don't usually say they 'think' their mother is their mother, as it implies uncertainty. You either know or you don't.

The way your character describes his mother is a bit...creepy, though. He almost seems in love with her. Silky skin, really?

Quote:
"He wants you to go pick up some wood, we're out of fire in our fireplace," my mother said, as she got up from my bed to let me get up.


Wait, she'd been sitting there?

I think the comment about being 'out of fire' is awkward. It's not something that you have spare bits of, or that you can run out of. As long as you have the means to, you can make fire. It's more that they ran out of wood to burn.

Quote:
My name is Erik Walker. I'm a sixteen year old guy with no job, no ambition, and no life whatsoever. I have black, messy hair. I'm 5'04", a medium build, have bright purple eyes, and I have long legs. Compared to my mother, I would be a peasant and she would be a queen.


Is his mother going to be a very important part of the story? (For example, is something going to happen to her that spurs him on?) Because right now his fascination with how gorgeous his mother is just sounds creepy, especially coming from a sixteen year old. (A sixteen year old who apparently doesn't have a pokémon, which hurts my head.)

Now, I never like info-dumps like this. It's never a good idea to throw lots of information at your reader all at once. Things like that should be shared gradually. Something hits his eye? Mention their colour. A strong wind is blowing? Mention his hair being tossed around. A low door-way? Mention his height. Don't just throw it all together and hope your readers remember.

I'm going to skip ahead to some interesting bits, now. The other mistakes are ones I already explained, or those that a good reread could fix.

Quote:
We would've moved to New Bark Town if it wasn't already inhabited.


Ehm, there wouldn't have been a town to begin with if it wasn't inhabited? Plus, so is Pallet Town. People live there, so it's inhabited. I'm not sure what you're trying to say, but it's not working. XD

Quote:
"Erik, have you ever thought of getting a job?" she asked.


That isn't a very logical question to ask if they've already discussed it before. It's clearly he has or hasn't, depending on earlier conversations, so I don't get this one. Maybe 'have you reconsidered getting a job' or something, instead?

Quote:
(Oh boy,) I thought, (here we go again.).


I'd suggest putting thoughts in italics. Between brackets always makes it seem like the reader is leaving author's notes, to me.

Quote:
"I'll work there, fine. I gotta go." I said, wolfing down my food as I left my house before my mom could say anything else.

I walked on a path carved from our house to the main path, and began walking.


So, I'm assuming he's leaving to avoid the conversation? You have to make it a bit more clear, because it just seems like he randomly decided to get out.

Quote:

I didn't understand why the Repel wasn't working, and then it was clear: it
had worn off.


It's 'had worn off' because it's a case of the present perfect here. (Something that happened in the past but is still noticeable or having an impact. In this case, he can still notice the effects of it wearing off.)

Quote:
Pokemon were well known for killing Humans, which was why I needed to leave.


They are? Did something change, then? Because as far as I know there are countless people journeying the pokémon world and very few have had anything bad happen to them. Especially in a quiet town such as Pallet.

(Also, if you start out in past tense, then stick to it. Don't switch around. So, were/was instead of are. )

Quote:

Then the buzzing sounds came in. All of the Beedrill had hatched, and they were angry. At me.


How convenient that they all decided to hatch at the same time.

Also, personally I believe that you shouldn't capitalize pokémon species such as beedrill or charmander - not unless it's the specific name of one such a pokémon - but that's a very loaded discussion, so I'll just say it and be done with it. XD

Quote:
I mustered something out of me, saying, "Thanks, Pokemon. What's your name?" I asked.

"Charmander," it said weakly. It was dying, and I could see it.

"Thanks, Charmander, thanks for saving my ass." I laughed and it laughed weakly as well.


First of all, why is he laughing when you just said he knew the creature was dying? How cruel can you get?

Also, how can he not know a charmander when he sees one? Yes, they're rare, but he lives in Pallet Town where professor Oak has been known to keep some of them. If you're using anime canon, then he even hands them out regularly! It's not realistic that this boy would not know what a charmander was.

~

Overall.

Plot:

Your plot is flimsy, so far. A sixteen year old boy is sent out to get firewood and suddenly runs into a hurt charmander. A charmander without an owner, which is impossible, that somehow manages to make it to the outskirts of Pallet Town. They're pokémon that Oak hands out, so it should have an owner. The fact that he doesn't know what kind of pokémon it is seems odd, too. It just all sounds like a convenient ploy to give your character a 'special charmander' as a pokémon.

Talking about pokémon, where are his? I don't buy the whole 'he doesn't care' thing. He lives in a world that adores pokémon and uses them for everything. His father must own them, if he cuts trees, and he even lives in a town that hands them out for free. Even lazy, uninterested people would get something that useful, especially if it was free.

At his age he should have a started and, really, he should have had one for years. I glanced ahead and saw that the charmander took 'a liking to him' and whatnot, which just confirms my belief that you used this as a way to get him a starter. Even worse, it's a pokémon that dislikes everyone but suddenly likes him.

Also, his parents - later on - not allowing him to go on a journey? Crazy. This is a world that completely accepts becoming a trainer. It's something every young boy and girl is expected to do and he's not allowed to? Didn't his parents complain that he needed to do something with his life and get a job? Becoming a trainer would be the ideal solution! So, no, your plot doesn't really make much sense.

Punctuation:

I've explained some important punctuation rules, but you have awkward sentences everywhere. A lot of your sentences are broken up in odd pieces and I think looking things over with a beta reader would really help you get a hang of comma-use.

That's it for now. If you have any questions, please let me know.



Last edited by Silawen; April 6th, 2010 at 09:57 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #12    
Old April 6th, 2010, 09:47 AM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male
@ Reviewer.....

AH ****.

Hold on, major editing time....

I never thought it sounded creepy! Oh well, let me change some things....

REASON WHY ERIK NEVER KNEW WHAT A IS CHARMANDER:

Well, he never really had an interest in Pokemon, he knew Oak as a celebrity, but not as much as a Pokemon Professor. He does know the Johto Starters, but not the Kanto ones, he never bothered to try to know them.

Also, Charmander is special in a sense, (you're about to see in a moment) but really he's not that unique.

I think my bad grammar and punctuation is due to me not being a natural writer. If I had someone to write for me, this would turn out much better. One more thing. I HATE ITALICS. That's why I have parenthesis as thoughts.
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.

Last edited by Meta-Morph; April 6th, 2010 at 10:19 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #13    
Old April 6th, 2010, 10:33 AM
Silawen's Avatar
Silawen
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Send a message via AIM to Silawen
Quote:

Well, he never really had an interest in Pokemon, he knew Oak as a celebrity, but not as much as a Pokemon Professor. He does know the Johto Starters, but not the Kanto ones, he never bothered to try to know them.


I don't get that, though. How could someone have such a disinterest in pokémon that they don't even go and get the completely free ones that everyone gets? It would be strange that he disliked pokémon so much that he'd completely keep himself from doing something that's expected.

However, if that were the case, then has it had any impact on his life? What has he been doing while other kids were all out travelling through their respective regions?

Also, I find it highly unlikely that a kid who knows Oak as a celebrity wouldn't know that that celebrity is also a renowned professor in the very same town he lives in? Plus, with all the beginning trainers walking around in Pallet - and all the commercials or ads that there no doubt are - you'd think he would have seen a charmander before.

It just doesn't add up to me. XD
Reply With Quote
  #14    
Old April 6th, 2010, 10:35 AM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male
I said not as much XD, he knows Oak is a Professor but that's it.

I think you should re-read Chapter 1 on why he doesn't get a free Pokemon, answer is in there, I just wrote it.

P.S. NO TV IN POKEWORLD
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.
Reply With Quote
  #15    
Old April 6th, 2010, 10:48 AM
Neo-Wolf's Avatar
Neo-Wolf
I am back!
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Faridabad, India
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
This is pretty good. The use of strong language adds up to the effect. I agree with you, the anime is total crap.
__________________


Hey guys, I am back!
But NO more ROM Hacking for me.
Nor any CSS.
I am now primarily a writer.

Stuck in your hack? Developed a writer's block? Get cool story ideas from me!
Reply With Quote
  #16    
Old April 6th, 2010, 10:50 AM
Silawen's Avatar
Silawen
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Send a message via AIM to Silawen
Quote:
"Well, 10 years ago you would've. However, due to the PTR(Pokemon Rights Act), they're making Trainers fill out a test form, have money, etc..." Oak sighed, "They're also getting close to banning the Poke Ball!"

"What!?! I'm not rich! I'm not smart!" I yelled, as people began knocking on our door due to my shouting.


Oh, no, please don't do this. It's going to make things incredibly difficult for you. Because while you think it's a good explanation, it's also going to impact a lot of other things. For example, if getting a pokémon starter is so very difficult, then there'd be very few trainers, fewer marts and pokémon centres, changes in infrastructure and politics, and even men like professor Oak would notice. A pokémon professor wouldn't be half as important if pokémon can't be caught and thus researched any more.

Also, test forms? Does that mean that even fewer people can become trainers now? That must mean the entire world has changed. A lot of jobs would have changed, gyms would loose their interest, heck, everything would change.

It may seem like an easy solution, but it's not.

Quote:

P.S. NO TV IN POKEWORLD


Wait, what? Ehm, there is, all canons support it. O_O So I'm confused what exactly you're saying here.
Reply With Quote
  #17    
Old April 6th, 2010, 10:56 AM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male
That's why the Kanto-Johto Challenge is up. It's to make people know that the Gyms are still open. And you're right, everything has changed. This isn't the same Pokeworld we know and love, my FF is different and you're about to see why. Marts are also selling stuff for less now. Professor Oak is still important, remember CELEBRITY. People like him too. And he agrees with the PTR, which is why he's going to have Erik(me, my real name)do things like in HG/SS, walk the Pokemon that's first in your party. And I like this new change I have up, new original ideas away!

THIS ISN'T CANON. Television was actually made in the past, but it never really caught on. Come on, you have ANIMALS WITH SUPAHPOWERS, so no TV.
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.
Reply With Quote
  #18    
Old April 6th, 2010, 11:07 AM
Silawen's Avatar
Silawen
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Send a message via AIM to Silawen
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meta-Morph View Post
That's why the Kanto-Johto Challenge is up. It's to make people know that the Gyms are still open. And you're right, everything has changed. This isn't the same Pokeworld we know and love, my FF is different and you're about to see why. Marts are also selling stuff for less now. Professor Oak is still important, remember CELEBRITY. People like him too. And he agrees with the PTR, which is why he's going to have Erik(me, my real name)do things like in HG/SS, walk the Pokemon that's first in your party. And I like this new change I have up, new original ideas away!


But it doesn't make sense that they are open. If, apparently, so many people are unhappy with pokémon capture, then it wouldn't make sense that such huge, expensive buildings promoting it would be left in peace. If the entire world has changed because of these new rules, then it wouldn't make sense that such huge, public places were left alone.

Quote:
THIS ISN'T CANON. Television was actually made in the past, but it never really caught on. Come on, you have ANIMALS WITH SUPAHPOWERS, so no TV.


Okay, so it's an AU? It's not necessarily a point of view I understand - because I love canon, it's why I fell in love with pokémon to begin with - but it explains a lot. I still don't understand the 'no tv' but, though. There were tvs everywhere in canon, so why doesn't that mix with 'animals with superpowers'?
Reply With Quote
  #19    
Old April 6th, 2010, 11:12 AM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male
It's just the way I want my FF, okay? TV sort of ruins it a bit for me....They have PokeGear, so no TV.

The PTR doesn't like Poke Balls or Pokemon mistreated, that's it. Battling can be controlled, and Pokemon like battling, although the PTR hates battling they allow that and Gyms to go with it. Yeah, most Pokemon like battling, if they didn't it they would get bored. They allow Pokemon to be captured because they don't want their homes to be destroyed by a rampaging Ursaring, okay?

Less money is coming into all four regions because of this, so Viridian City is a bit smaller than you probably remember. Let me post that Chapter 2 in 3 hours or tonight, okay? I'm tired from stupid state tests...
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.
Reply With Quote
  #20    
Old April 6th, 2010, 11:20 AM
Silawen's Avatar
Silawen
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Send a message via AIM to Silawen
Quote:
The PTR doesn't like Poke Balls or Pokemon mistreated, that's it. Battling can be controlled, and Pokemon like battling, although the PTR hates battling they allow that and Gyms to go with it. Yeah, most Pokemon like battling, if they didn't it would be boring.


But how are people supposed to battle if they can't house their pokémon somewhere? Do they just walk alongside everyone at all times? Where are pokémon stored, if not in their pokéballs? What do they do with huge pokémon such as onix, or snorlax? What keeps the pokémon from wandering off?

Also, why would the PTR make such a fuss about pokéballs - which pokémon don't seem to mind much either, on average - and not battling?
Reply With Quote
  #21    
Old April 6th, 2010, 11:26 AM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male
*sighs*

PTR THINKS, not knows, BUT THINKS that Pokemon hate the Poke Ball.

In some ways they are right, but usually wrong.

Onix, Steelix and other gargantuan Pokemon are exceptions, STAY IN THE POKE BALL YOU MUST! Anything over 7 feet classifies as this.

Battling in Pokeworld is a mess. Some Pokemon die battling. So, PTR made an amendment that all battles must have a supervisor and not much blood is shed. Everything else stays the same, basically, like money, badges, etc.
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.
Reply With Quote
  #22    
Old April 6th, 2010, 11:36 AM
Silawen's Avatar
Silawen
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Send a message via AIM to Silawen
Quote:
PTR THINKS, not knows, BUT THINKS that Pokemon hate the Poke Ball.

In some ways they are right, but usually wrong.


So they think that pokémon find pokéballs annoying, but they somehow know that battling - which is obviously violent - is something they enjoy? And no one contests this?

Quote:
Onix, Steelix and other gargantuan Pokemon are exceptions, STAY IN THE POKE BALL YOU MUST! Anything over 7 feet classifies as this.


So onix and steelix and other big pokémon are allowed to be 'tortured' by these devices? What about water pokémon? Should they be kept out everywhere? How are they supposed to cross the ground? What about firepokémon when it rains? They're just supposed to hide somewhere until it goes away? What about crossing the seas? Should all pokémon just climb on top of that one poor water pokémon who carries them?

Quote:
Battling in Pokeworld is a mess. Some Pokemon die battling. So, PTR made an amendment that all battles must have a supervisor and not much blood is shed. Everything else stays the same, basically, like money, badges, etc.


What? So, battling, which has proved to kill pokémon, is fine, but harmless pokéballs are not? What kind of rights group is this PTR? O_O

Also, how could everything stay the same? Very few people can actually train pokémon, so money should be limited and gyms should be closing down. A lot of things would change, some of which I already mentioned earlier.

Really, though, if you have to explain things like this to me outside of the story, then it's not clear what you're trying to do. If the entire world is so very different, then you should show us this. As of now I didn't have a clue that was the case. (In fact, I'm somewhat of the opinion that you're doing this to cover up the plot holes you had earlier. Don't do that, just rewrite it. If that isn't the case, then please ignore.)


Reply With Quote
  #23    
Old April 6th, 2010, 01:52 PM
Meta-Morph's Avatar
Meta-Morph
A Mysterious Person Appeared!
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: My bed
Gender: Male
(Alrighty then, let's start the adventure!!1)

- CHAPTER 2 -

After Oak let me into his mansion, I walked down a different hallway than before.

After some twists and turns, we eventually got to a bright-lighted laboratory that nearly blinded me as Oak told me to sit down on a stool, which I did.

"So, are you sure about this?" Oak asked.

"I'm sure. When do I start?" I said, eager to leave Pallet Town once and for all. I hated this place, moving to this town was a nightmare for me.

"Well, I need to explain some stuff to you," Oak said, as he pulled a book from a nearby shelf of books that looked very old.

"Wait, why am I-,"

"You're my Field Assistant, remember? You need to know more about Pokemon than the average Trainer." Oak explained, cutting me off.

And so that was how Oak explained many things about Pokemon to me, like why they evolve, why they battle, and why they like Humans. I learned a lot about Pokemon I never would have dreamed, and then when he was finished it was sunrise.

"I think you know enough by now," Oak yawned, as he placed the book back onto its original spot.

He then motioned me to walk towards a table that held a lone Poke Ball that had a orange capitalized C on it.

"Charmander's Poke Ball?" I asked, as Oak nodded and said "Please, open it."

I cautiously picked up the Poke Ball and then aimed it on the ground, as I pushed the button.

Once I did, the ball instantly opened, and a bright flash of light came shooting out, and once the light was gone a sleepy Charmander was left, and the Poke Ball closed.

"Charmander?" Charmander yawned, and once he saw me he smiled. "Charmander!"

"Hey, remember me?" I said. I must've sounded stupid, because Charmander rolled his eyes and nodded. I have to remember some Pokemon are just as smart or smarter than Humans...

"Do you want to give him a nickname?" Oak asked me, as I was startled out of my thoughts.

"A what?" I asked, confused.

"A nickname, some Trainers give Pokemon nicknames to prevent confusion if another Trainer has the same kind of Pokemon. It also makes Pokemon feel special, like they are an individual," Oak explained, and I could hear the exasperation in his voice. Looks like I was getting him tired....

"Oh, um sure," I looked back at Charmander and he looked back at me with his blue eyes.

We stared at each other for a bit as I thought up of a nickname, and Oak decided to clean up his lab as I thought.

And then I picked a nickname for him.

"Zeke," I said, startling Oak as he nearly dropped a vial of some unknown liquid.

"May I ask why..?" Oak said, as he began cleaning but this time more aware of my voice.

"It's the name of someone I knew...," I said, as I didn't want to talk about it.

"Oh? Who?"

"Just a friend...what do I do next?"

"Oh well, hold on let me give you some stuff...," Oak said, as he disappeared deeper into the lab, as I turned back to Charmander err Zeke.

"So how do you like your new name?" I asked.

"Char Charmander!" Zeke said, as I guessed he liked it, or accepted his new name.

After that there was a bit of awkward silence until Oak came back with some weird crap in his hands.

"What the hell is that?" I asked, as he pulled out some sort of weird device.

"I'll explain all the items I have right now. The red item is the Poke Dex, a handheld digital encyclopedia that tells you everything you need to know about Pokemon! It records all of which you have caught, seen, and gives you more in-depth information on them once you've captured a certain species of Pokemon!

"The blue device is something you're familiar with, it's called PokeGear! A revolutionary device that allows you to call anyone anywhere without going to a PC! It also has a map inside that tells you all about that certain area ou're in.

"This bag is called a Messenger Bag. It's for holding any items you take.

"And finally, Potions and Poke Balls, so you have everything a Assistant should need!" Oak finished, out of breath. I'm worried that he's gonna he's give himself a heart attack one day...

"Um, err thanks....," I said, as I took the items and looked at them one by one.

The Poke Dex had two screens, a visual screen and a touch screen on the bottom. I decided to test it out on Zeke.



- #004, CHARMANDER, THE LIZARD POKEMON -
- BASIC FORM, FIRST OF EVOLUTIONARY LINE -
- FIRST DISCOVERED BY PROF. OAK -
- FIRE-TYPE -
- EGG GROUPS: MONSTER, DRAGON -
- HEIGHT: 2'00", WEIGHT: 18.7 POUNDS -
- FIRST OBTAINED 4/6/10 -
- ENTRY WRITTEN BY PROF. OAK: -
- "The flame on its tail indicates Charmander's life force. If it is healthy, the flame burns brightly." -

"Pretty cool," I said, as Oak beamed proudly.

Then I checked the PokeGear, which I already knew how it worked.

It was made by Silph Co. like the Poke Dex, except it was blue but also had two screens, a visual and a touch screen just like the Poke Dex. They both came with pens on the side of them...

The messenger bag was silver, and it was a black Poke Ball symbol on it. It had a lot of pockets, and it was pretty spacious.

The Potions and Poke Balls looked like any other Potion or Poke Ball, and I counted five of both. The Potions were purple spray-bottles, and the Poke Balls were well, Poke Balls.

"So, what should I do now?" I asked. It was dawn, and my parents wouldn't be up until 2 more hours I think. It was 6 AM.

"I think you should leave my lab and stop asking me questions! Leave Pallet Town, young Assistant!" Oak said, as he pushed me and Zeke out of the door, and soon of out the mansion and closed the door.

"Okaaaay....yeesh, what's his problem," I muttered, as Zeke followed me as I walked down Oak Hill.

I think I should head to Viridian City...yeah, I should.

And that's when I bumped into some random guy, and fell onto the rough path.

"AW DAMN!" I shouted, as I fell down.

"****! WATCH IT, DIP****!" the person yelled.

"Ouch...sorry dude," I said, but I was only greeted with a glare.

"Watch where you're going, dumbass. You're looking at the next Pokemon Master and IS THAT A CHARMANDER??!?!" the guy suddenly yelled, as I tried to get up he pushed me down again to get a better look at Zeke, who growled at him.

"Um, yeah, why-,"

"I KNEW GRANDPA WAS LYING WHEN HE SAID HE LOST IT!" the guy yelled, cutting me off. I had only met him for 1 minute, and already he was annoying me.

That was not a good sign.

"What're you talking about?" I said, as I finally got up.

"That Charmander was MY Charmander! Give it back!" the guy yelled, handing out his hand.

I looked at the guy like he was crazy. He was a teenager, probably just as old as me, and he sported blond hair and brown eyes. The guy looked a bit taller than me, but not by much.

"Are you ****ing kidding me? Hell no!" I said, trying to move away from him but he kept pestering me.

"That Charmander was meant to be mine, man. But I got a crappy Squirtle instead!" He shouted, as he grabbed me on the arm.

This guy is going to get his ass whooped in a minute, I swear.

"Tell ya what, if I win I get to keep that Pokemon and you can have this ****** Squirtle. If I lose, I'll let ya have it for free, since Gramps will give me another one anyway," The guy babbled, as I pulled his hand away from my arm.

"Number one, why would I battle you? And second, who's this 'Gramps'?!?" I asked.

"Oh, Gramps? You probably know him as Prof. Oak,"

That was uncalled for. My jaw dropped, literally I was paralyzed by this sudden revelation. How could Oak, someone so nice, have a grandson like this?!?!

"I'm Gary, you?" He asked.

"I'm Erik Walker, his Field Assistant,"

"Oh really? Sweet! You must be pretty good to be a Field Assistant. We should battle even more!" Gray shouted, as he laughed.

I know I said I wouldn't battle him, but he was seriously getting on my nerves I might actually do it.

"Charmander!" I looked behind me to see Zeke growling, and I suddenly realized this entire time he was probably growling at Gary.

"You want to fight him?" I asked, and Zeke nodded. That was a definite yes.

"Okay then, we accept your challenge." I said, as me and Zeke nodded together.

"GREAT! Let's get started now!" Gary said, excited as he went off somewhere.

Suddenly, I felt a bit nervous. If I lost, I could actually lose Zeke.

"No, I won't lose!" I told myself, as I waited for Gary to come back.

LATER....


Gary came back within five minutes to find a referee, who turned out to be one of Oak's many assistants.

"Alright! The Trainers Erik Walker and Gary Oak please step forward!" the ref said, as we both did. We were both about 30 feet away from each other, the reasonable distance that allowed our Pokemon to battle without being to close to us. Even from this far away, I could see his stupid grinning face. The sky began to cloud over, as the sun was soon blocked by a dark cloud.

"Trainers, this battle is a one on one battle, neither of you may switch Pokemon. Once one Trainer's Pokemon has fainted, the other is declared the winner. Do you accept these conditions?" The Ref asked, looking at both of us.

"Yes." Gary said coolly.

"I accept." I said plainly.

"Good. Then you may...," He said, raising his blue and red flags, as we both readied our Poke Balls, "BEGIN!"

"Squirtle, let's do this!"

"Zeke, take him out!"

We both threw our Poke Balls on the ground, as our Poke Balls opened with a burst of light. When the light was gone, Zeke, and some light-blue turtle-like Pokemon was left, as our Poke Balls recoiled back into our hands.

I took out the Poke Dex to gain more information on Squirtle.


- #007, SQUIRTLE THE TINY TURTLE POKEMON -
- BASIC FORM, FIRST OF EVOLUTIONARY LINE -
- FIRST DISCOVERED BY PROF. OAK -
- WATER-TYPE -
- EGG GROUPS: MONSTER, WATER 1 -
- HEIGHT: 1'08" WEIGHT: 19.8 POUNDS -
- FIRST MET 4/6/10 -
- ENTRY WRITTEN BY PROF. OAK: -
- "The shell, which hardens soon after it is born, is resilient. If you poke it, it will bounce back out." -

(Okay, it's a Water-Type....Fire vs. Water = Water wins. No, I can win this,) I thought.

"Alright! Squirtle, use Headbutt!" Gary yelled, as he caught me off guard.

Squirtle did as commanded, as it ran towards Zeke with a determined look on its face on its stubby legs.

"Zeke, use err...Oh wait, hold on," I said, as I got out the Poke Dex again to see what moves Zeke knew.

"Poke Dex: Known moves on Zeke please!" I said, as I put the Poke Dex on voice command.

"Inquiry: Zeke's known moves. Answer: Scratch, Ember, Smokescreen, Leer." The Poke Dex answered.

"Thanks! Zeke, use Smokescreen!" I yelled.

Zeke nodded, as he inhaled deeply, and then exhaled smoke, covering the battlefield with smoke, causing Squirtle to choke and blinding it as well.

"Use Scratch!" I commanded.

Zeke's eyes was immune to smoke, so he snuck up behind Squirtle and raised his claws, and raked them against it's shell. Instead of damage, Zeke squealed in pain, as Gary yelled "There's your chance! Water Gun!"

Squirtle responded quickly, as he inhaled, and then shot a jet of water at Zeke, sending him flying out of the smoke and onto my side of the field.

He looked at me, and then shot back up, even though he was obviously hurt.

(It's my fault,) I thought, (I should've told him to use Scratch on his head! Or his tail! Dammit!)

"Squirtle, Headbutt!" Gary yelled.

I had forgotten that the battle was still in session. Squirtle shot of the cloud of smoke, and rammed his head on Zeke's unprepared stomach, as Zeke's eyes bulged out as he was sent flying to me. Before he could go any further, I caught him in my arms. Zeke looked at me again, and this time his eyes closed, it was clear he had fainted. It was over. The battle was won by Gary.

"Zeke the Charmander has fainted! Gary Oak of Pallet Town is the winner of the match!" the ref said, as he began to leave.

I had lost. I lost my first battle. And now to top that, I lost Zeke. I was close to crying, which I haven't done in a long time...

That's when it began to rain.

"Hey, Erik!" Gary called. I looked up to see his ugly grinning face.

"What? Aren't you gonna-,"

"You can keep that Pokemon," Gary interrupted.

"Wait, really??!" I said, surprised by his kindness or his pity.

"Sure. I don't want any weak Pokemon travelling with me, it'd hold me down from reaching my goal. See ya later, Erik," Gary said, as his Squirtle grinned back at me as they turned their backs on me and left.

(That bastard....He thinks Zeke is weak.) I thought. (That SOB....)

I put my anger aside for the moment and healed Zeke's wounds temporarily before putting him back in the Poke Ball. I couldn't go back to Oak's, I was almost there to Route 1. If I stayed any longer Mom or Dad would wake up to find me missing...

And so, I sighed, and ran into Route 1, hoping that I wouldn't run into any wild Pokemon.

- END OF CHAPTER 2 -
__________________

Never give up!
Credit goes to konsensya of Deviant Art~

This is my new account, old one インフェルノの津波 is dead. Please contact me if you want to be my friend again.

Last edited by Meta-Morph; April 7th, 2010 at 02:32 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #24    
Old April 6th, 2010, 08:31 PM
インフェルノの津波's Avatar
インフェルノの津波
Seriously?
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Seattle
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant
Okay guys, I think I'm going to type FF in my main account now.

So, anyone have anymore reviews?


Last edited by インフェルノの津波; April 7th, 2010 at 02:05 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #25    
Old April 6th, 2010, 11:36 PM
Silawen's Avatar
Silawen
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Send a message via AIM to Silawen
Quote:
(I would be great if Mizan, Buoysel or someone who's been on here long to review, I need to know or have a very good reviewer....)


Well, getting new reviewers could be helped by not insulting those you do have. If you don't think I'm a good reviewer, then please let me know so I can go and spend time reviewing those who will actually appreciate my comments.

I glanced at your latest chapter and noticed you still don't quite understand how to punctuate speech. Let me try and explain it again, just in case you weren't sure.

"Hello," the young girl said.

Here you're using a speech verb. (In this case, 'said'.) When you use a speech verb like this - much like 'whispered', 'hollered', 'asked', etc. - you get a comma after the spoken sentence and a lowercased word following it. (The comma after 'hello' and 'the'.)

When you have two sentences separated by a speech verb, you get this:

"Hello," the girl said. "What are you doing?"

Because they're two sentences, you split them in two. A comma after 'hello', a lowercased word, a period/full-stop to end the identifier, and then a capital for the new sentence.

When they're part of one, whole, sentence, you get this:

"What," the girl snarled, "are you doing?!"

It's one sentence, so should be kept one sentence. This you get two commas and lowercased segments.

Now, this all happens when you have a speech verb. (Verbs that actually involve speech, not those that involve mere sound. You don't really snort a sentence, after all.) When you don't get a speech verb, things change.

"Hi." The girl looked at him awkwardly.

The 'looked' has no direct relation to the 'hi'. They're not connected because you don't use the verb to say the sentence. (You can't look a sentence.) So they're separate and should be punctuated as such. The spoken words end - with a period/full-stop or a question mark/exclamation point - and a new sentence begins. Period/full-stop and capitalized new sentence.

"Hi." The girl looked at him awkwardly. "What's up?"

And when you cut it in two, this is what you get. Makes sense, right?

Anyway, if you have further questions, please let me know. If you plan to further insult me, then please feel free to stop talking to me. Cheers!
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links


Advertise here
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 05:47 AM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.