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View Poll Results: Is the story good and which pokemon should I encounter later?
It's good, and you should encounter the water pokemon, Aquadino. 0 0%
It's good, and you should encounter the dark pokemon, Pyroshade 0 0%
It's good and you should encounter the electrick pokemon, Statikiller. 1 50.00%
It's good, and you shouldn't encounter any pokemon. 0 0%
It's bad. 1 50.00%
It's awful, and you should just cancel it. 0 0%
It could use improvement, and I don't care who you encounter. 0 0%
None of the above. 0 0%
Voters: 2. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1    
Old April 6th, 2010 (03:35 PM). Edited April 9th, 2010 by darkpokeball.
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darkpokeball darkpokeball is offline
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THE RETURN
Chapter One: A Fateful Encounter
I woke up on the day that would forever change my life. Getting out of bed, I heard footsteps. My mom appeared in the doorway. "Sdsoplasma, we're moving." she told me. "MOVING?!" I blurted out, unable to resist. I loved my hometown of Littleroot, in Hoenn. But, here I am moving again. My Torchich tossed in it's makeshift bed at the sound of my voice. Torchic was my only pokemon, given to me by Prof. Birch. I had saved his life from a Poochyena. "Yes. To Redvine City, in the Gyro region. I had arranged it a year ago, but never got a response. However, when I checked the mailbox: there it was. All complete, no requiring of paperwork. It said the house is ours. However, our car only supports four people...."
she started. "I know." I responded. The four people would be her, my dad, my brother, and my sister. "I'm going to ride in the moving truck again, aren't I?" I grumbled. She nodded. "The trucks outside. We're moving now."
"NOW!?" I cried out, shocked by the suddenness. The Torchic jolted up and let loose a fireball. The fireball hit the wall. Ssss....The smell of smoke filled the air. "Yes, now." she replied. "What about packing?" I shot back. She gave me a sideways glance before saying: "We'll come back here for our things later." she said. I picked up Torchic. "Okay." I said, placing Torchic in his pokeball. Things were going to change.
I stepped into the moving truck. Well, at least this time I'd have a pokemon to entertain myself. There was the sound of the engines, a lurch, and then, we were moving. I let Torchic out. Then, I pulled out an empty box, one that was left over. "Torchic, ember!" I said. The box was shot up into flames. I laughed. Then, using my jacket, I put it out. Pulling out another light box, I saw a stone in it. "Weird. I don't remember having a stone." I mumbled. I reached down and grabbed it. WHOOSH! "WHOA!" I yelled. Symbols flashed before me, and I found myself floating off the ground. Torchic was screaming rapidly: "CHIC! CHIC! CHIC!" There was a great purple flash, then all went black.
"CHIC! CHIC!" was the first sounds I heard. There was a dull ringing in my ears. "That was weird." I mumbled. Getting up, I looked for Torchic. There he was, except: he was purple. Weird markings were on the left and right halves of his face. His beak had grown shorter and sharper. It wasn't my Torchic. It couldn't be! And yet, inside, I felt it was. Looking into his eyes, I found that it was my Torchic, frightened. The stone must've dropped from my hands and hit him. Hence, causing him to evolve into a who-knows-what. Once my eyes got used to the surroundings, I realized I was still in the truck. I heard the engine sputter. Then a lurch. The doors opened, and I stared at my mother. "Mom!" I said, but my voice was different. She stared at me with a look of horror. "Mom, it's me!" I said, but my voice was still different. Opening a box, I looked into a mirror. "Oh no." I whispered. The stone must've affected me too! My skin was scaly and purple, my ears were pointed, my mouth was full of razor sharp teeth, my hair...there was no hair. I felt my snake skin with my new hand. My eyes were slitted like a cat and on my chest, burned thorugh my shirt was a giant spiral. My mother gave me a grim look. "It's coming back." she whispered, as if in a trance. Torchic leapt up into my arms. "It's gonna be alright, buddy." I whispered to it. Then, I looked at my mom. "It is me! It's sdsoplasma! I just touched a stone, and then POOF!" I told her. She nodded slowly.
"The Lipul stone. It's supposed to give one power and make them the key to awaken the legendary pokemon: Jupil. People will use you to awaken him. They'll be ruthless. Please, whatever you do, do not succumb to them! Jupil must remain asleep for much longer. Nobody can control him. NOBODY." your mom says. You gulp. Things were definently about to get interesting.
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On a side note, if anybody can answer the following question right, then they get a mystery prize! *Must have a Gen V game to claim prize*
Question: What the heck did Jinora do in the finale?! I don't get it! I know 90% of you won't know what I'm talking about, but I need an answer!
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  #2    
Old April 8th, 2010 (09:53 AM).
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The Silver Prince The Silver Prince is offline
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WTF!
Sdosplasma? Is that a name? Man, this is reality! (Okay, okay, not in real life but in the PokeWorld atleast) This is not some zombie eating game (yeah, I checked out how cool Pokemon 'DarkCrystal' was).
Anyways, back to the story. A child moving to a new region in the luggage truck? Are you rewriting Ruby?
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  #3    
Old April 8th, 2010 (12:20 PM).
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Misheard Whisper Misheard Whisper is offline
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I'm sorry, I physically can't read this. I don't know what kind of eyes you have, but mine can't handle bright orange text, not on my forum skin.

Anyways, from what I can see, you need to work on paragraphing. A new paragraph needs to be double-spaced, remember (that means you hit the Enter key twice - not rocket science), and you need a new paragraph every time somebody new starts speaking.

*eyes melt before he can finish*
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Old April 8th, 2010 (12:41 PM).
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Yusshin Yusshin is offline
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1) Change the font to black; some people have skins that would cause that font to hurt their eyes / become unreadable completely
2) Change the format; as Misheard Whisper mentioned, every line of speech, unless connected / related, requires a new paragraph to itself. Imagine writing a novel. Surely a novel wouldn't have all lines of speech clumped together!
3) Grammar issues. For example:

Quote originally posted by darkpokeball:
"Sdsoplasma, we're moving." she told me.
This should read:

"Sdsoplasma, we're moving(,)" she told me.

I used parenthesis to show the change from period->comma.

You constantly make that error throughout the text; review it and change it, so it makes more sense.

Quote originally posted by darkpokeball:
There he was, except: he was purple
The colon should be a comma.

The story itself goes very fast. You should take the time to describe places, people, and actions more carefully. Make it feel like it's alive, and not just.

Bob says, "Let's go to the movies."
Mandy says, "OK."
They go to the movies and have fun.

:s Not that exciting lol
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  #5    
Old April 9th, 2010 (12:47 PM).
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darkpokeball darkpokeball is offline
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Okay, change font, I'll make sure to do that in Chapter Two. If anybody else is having trouble reading it, copy and paste my story into Microsoft Word or something. Yusshin, I'll make sure to follow your tip in Chapter Two. It was pretty good advice. Seems like I need to proofread. And Silver Prince, I am not rewriting Ruby! It's a spoof because I thought it was funny how your character starts in the moving truck. I was thinking: i wonder how that character feels. So I portrayed it in the Return. I'm sorry if the orange text is to hard for ya' to read. I am so sorry you guys didn't like it. Chapter Two will be a whole lot better, I promise!
__________________
My Chainsaw Meowth is currently missing! If you have a lead or think you know something, PLEASE PM ME! I am desperately searching, and I dread the possibility that I may never find him...
On a side note, if anybody can answer the following question right, then they get a mystery prize! *Must have a Gen V game to claim prize*
Question: What the heck did Jinora do in the finale?! I don't get it! I know 90% of you won't know what I'm talking about, but I need an answer!
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  #6    
Old April 17th, 2010 (10:05 PM).
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darkpokeball darkpokeball is offline
Beware the Chainsaw Meowth 0.o
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: In your nightmares
Posts: 770
UPDATE: The Return has been canceled.
__________________
My Chainsaw Meowth is currently missing! If you have a lead or think you know something, PLEASE PM ME! I am desperately searching, and I dread the possibility that I may never find him...
On a side note, if anybody can answer the following question right, then they get a mystery prize! *Must have a Gen V game to claim prize*
Question: What the heck did Jinora do in the finale?! I don't get it! I know 90% of you won't know what I'm talking about, but I need an answer!
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