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  #1    
Old April 30th, 2010 (10:20 PM). Edited May 1st, 2010 by Scales.
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Scales
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New fanfic idea popped into my head. Wanted to see how it worked for you guys here.

Bare in mind this is only the first chapter, it has only small tidbit allusions to Pokemon at this point. You'd have to wait till the next one or two to see it turn into a full fledged Pokemon fic.

NON HUMAN

PokeTech research facility - 7:49 AM

Chapter 1:
In the beginning

Albert was sleeping.

His light blond colored hair rested lightly on a soft white pillow. His eyebrows felt rigid as they started to move back and forth. His eyebrows were very lightly trimmed and gave him the guise of a nice, well kept person.

Albert didn't recognize where he was at first. A loud buzzing sound could be heard as he opened his eyes, along with a sharp amount of brightness in the lamp suspended above him. He flexed his hands in place and noticed he was restrained to the bed. His eyes opened wider and his pupils dilated as he peered around at the surroundings.

The hospital room was bland and generic to his senses. His bed was put off to the side, with two lime colored soft chairs to the right of his bed. Along the far wall, was a door that peered out toward a hallway. The door held a small Plexiglas window that was at the moment, translucent. Opposite his bed was a large armoir closet and to the right of that, a door that Albert suspected led to the bathroom.

Albert pondered on why he would be in a hospital. His head at the moment was throbbing, and the only thing he wanted at the moment, was aspirin. He waited in delightful agony, lying in the hospital bed. It was only roughly ten minutes later that the door opened. A red haired nurse walked into the room. Closing the door behind her, she wheeled in a large tray filled with cleaning supplies.

"Excuse me." He asked her. The nurse almost jumped at his voice. "Might I please have some medicine? I have a splitting headache". Her eyes lit up as she pondered deeply into his. She backed away slightly before reaching into her pocket and pulling out a small childproof bottle. The Nurse opened the bottle and almost immediately Albert opened his mouth. She placed it underneath his tongue and delightfully, he swallowed. The Nurse backed away once more and without taking her tray she walked out of the room.

Odd. He thought to himself. He still couldn't remember why he would be in the hospital. The only thing he could see himself doing was reading a local Kanto magazine called "The Taurus Talk". Just to see an article about a new Pokeball made of solid gold that was transported to Lavender town. That was where his memory ended and strangely it seemed like it should have.

At once, the door opened once more and a man stepped through it. The man was bald, and surrounding his wrinkly face was a large pair of horn rimmed glasses. He was draped in a long white lab coat along with a black tie. His 'stash surrounded mouth smiled and spoke.

"Ah Mr. Stark. I see you have awoken". He said with a strong foreign accent. He sounded as if he lived indoors his entire life, never seeing the outside world save for books.

"What is this place?" He said glancing around. "Who are you?" He questioned.

"I am Dr. Nobewas. Though I am surprised you don't know that. Memory loss was not an expected symptom for you."
He said puzzled. He reached into the right pocket of his labcoat and pulled out a pen and notepad. Before he could start writing Albert interjected.

"Just tell me what's going on already." He ordered.

"Now now Albert keep your temper down. Tell me, what is your rank in the POS order?" He asked as he began to write on his pad of paper.

"I am a decorated Knight Errant...?" He said, somewhat asking himself. It just came out when he was asked it. The name POS suddenly clicked in his head.

"Quite right. You underwent brain surgery and now that you have awoken are to be promoted to Jester status".
Jester status suddenly gave Albert a warm feeling. There was something very interesting associated with it, something that made him feel excited. "Now your attire is located in the closet. Please get dressed, and meet me to the right." He said pointing to the door. Nobewas unfastened Albert's straps and before he could ask him anything else, he walked out the door.

Smooth. Albert got up slowly, but felt a strong numbing sensation in his right arm. He moved it back and forth before it began to feel again. As his bare feet touched the cold floor beneath him, something felt strange about him. He couldn't quite place it, there was something different he was feeling. Irregardless, Albert dismissed it and walked over to the closet. He opened it and faced the suit suspended from a hanger within.

Albert walked into the bathroom and noticed the shower. He smirked slightly and stepped into it. After showering he dried off and walked over to the sink. It stank of strong disinfectant, and around the table were ornate decorated soaps. A tray stuck out of the wall with a toothbrush inside a plastic wrapper.

After brushing Albert walked back into the room and began to put on his clothes. After removing his hospital wear he placed on a long white shirt and dark onyx pants. He took the Blazer off the hanger, and as he did so a piece of paper fell from it's pocket. Albert reached of it, and opened the message.

"Hey Allie.

Got a surprise waiting for you at the first national in Viridian. Check the safety deposit box 344 and give them my name.

With regards, Stuart."


Albert smiled at the note. Oh Stuart. The memory of Stuart was nice and pleasant. A regular goofball in the service he was often at odds with Albert over "ethics".

He reached on the three button blazer and buttoned the top two on the jacket. He held the solid red tie in his right hand and walked toward the bathroom. He lifted the collar on his shirt and looked onto himself as he tied the tie.

Albert's light blond hair complimented his strong features. His pale complexion boded well with his thin jaw and pronounced cheekbones. After tying a perfect full Windsor, Albert reached for the shaving cream and the razor. He shaved a few small patches of hair that sprang up around his face and smiled at the reflection.

"Get ready, your up for promotion."
The knot of the tie had a pokeball pattern stitched into it. Perfect for a secret agent for the Kanto government.
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  #2    
Old May 1st, 2010 (06:26 PM).
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NON HUMAN

PokeTech research facility - 8:00 AM

Chapter 2: Greetings from beyond the grave

The IN/OUT counter was strictly professional, at least in Albert's humblest opinion. The man behind the counter spoke in a hushed voice and grabbed a long beige envelope from another room. He tore it open with great finesse and reached inside.

"One, pair of Aviator sunglasses" He said pulling them out. The sunglasses had dark brown tinted lenses with black frames. Albert immediately recognized the store in Pallet town where he purchased them. "One ball point pen". The Counter man clicked the pen and drew a line on a piece of paper next to him. The blue ink flowed as well as it did the day he bought it. "And one gold locket with a heart embroidered on the front". He said placing it on the table.

"Excuse me." Albert said catching the man's attention. "That's not mine."

"If it was in your envelope it was yours." He said pushing the three items toward him. Albert shrugged and placed the glasses in his coat pocket, the pen in his lapel and the locket in his pants pocket.

Albert turned around and walked down the nearest hallway. The hallways of the PokeTech facility were lime colored to match their chairs, and were easily labeled by lines colored on the walls that would eventually reach their destinations. Albert followed the red line on one of the walls that was labeled "Tactical Espionage". Easily and without fuss Albert made it to his destination and before he could reach for the door, a gruff voice behind it announced his presence.

"Come in". Albert was startled for a moment before he opened the door.

The office was simplistic and without much flair. A Grey colored filing cabinet could be seen propped up to one corner of the wood textured room. The desk in the middle of the office belonged to a portly man who was gazing intent at the contents of a folder in front of him.

"So Albert Stark. I see you've awoken?" He said gazing up. The man was balding with white hair around the sides of his head. Albert took a seat directly opposite his desk.

"Yes. Though I have to say, I didn't expect I would forget my last name after your "procedure". Albert said crossing his arms and tilting his head back.

"A necessary risk. Either way, any residual memories you may have lost during your healing induced coma will likely resurface in some form or other. But enough about that." He said, then stood. "Let us talk about your promotion into the Jester affiliation." Albert nodded his head.

"Now as you know, each Jester operative is linked to a Pokemon. Hence the necessity of the device now embedded into your pre-frontal cortex. Our technology specialist will brief you more on this. But first and foremost, your field assignment." The Chief pulled a folder out of a drawer in his desk. He lay it directly onto the table and a picture slid out. It was a black and white picture of a man with dark hair.

"This is Ryan Le'Strange. A known terrorist operating with the notorious Team Omni, a band of Pokemon thieves and revolutionaries. You are ordered to take care of his operation." The Chief opened the folder and slid out several crimes he had committed. Upon first glance Albert noticed Grand Larceny and Arson among many others.

"The big problem is he has gone underground in recent months, and we are currently suspecting that he is preparing for a massive operation that will be detrimental to Kanto as a whole." Albert stood up and placed the folder underneath his arm. "Now we are deploying you in Saffron City, find what you can from a contact listed in those files." Albert nodded and left the office.

~~~

PokeTech R & D department - 8:10

Technology specialist of POS was none other then 40-something year old Gary Oak. Albert remembered his seminars while at the academy, and the various books he published on the study of Pokemon. Apparently he succeeded his Grandfather in everything but the creation of the Pokedex. Now he was tasked with the proper training of Jester operatives and their Pokemon, a feat only he mastered properly. When Albert walked into the laboratory he was dressed in a long labcoat typing at a computer.

"So I presume you are my 8 oclock?" He said looking up from the computer. Albert nodded and sat down behind his desk. The laboratory was bustling with scientists, all doing experiments around the room. Albert noticed a Pokeball sorting machine to his left. "Outstretch your arm please." He said reaching into a drawer to his right. Puzzled Albert complied. Gary Oak pulled out a digital watch that upon first inspection, Albert thought resembled Poke-Gear.

"This is your Jester operations watch." He said as it automatically snapped to his wrist. "It allows communication between yourself and your Partner in the field. Whilst on your wrist it connects itself to your nervous system and activates the biotic implant located in your skull." Albert examined the watch now attached to his left arm. He felt both puzzled and intregued at the technology.

"Speaking of which, where is my partner?" Albert asked as he crossed his arms. At that moment, the Pokeball sorting machine opened, revealing a single Pokeball resting within the center. Gary Oak stood up from behind his desk, and pressed the center button on the Pokeball. A flash of white light surrounded the area, and when his eyes could finally once again see all Albert could take in was a Pokemon in front of him. Resting in the middle of the room, was a Sandslash. Looking at him with a puzzled expression on it's face and it's claws raised slightly.

"Press the button on the side of your watch." Gary Oak commanded him. Once again startled, Albert complied. A sharp stinging sensation could be felt just behind his forehead, and after a few seconds it stopped.

So I see the Rookie can hear me now?
A strangely harsh female voice sounded within Albert's head. He backed away slightly and shook his head vigorously.

"The voice you are currently hearing belongs to Mrs. Luna Wright, a former researcher here. She, among others volunteered to have their consciousness downloaded into Pokemon to better suit the Jester program."

"Wait..." Albert said puzzled. "Are you telling me that this Sandslash has a... human mind?" He asked inquisitively.

So the child finally understands? the voice mocked him. A sharp sting from anger rebounded in his mind. "Yes, though it is not a very well known secret. Only researchers and top officials in the POS hierarchy know about the experiments going on behind these doors." Gary Oak walked over to Luna and rubbed her bristles slightly. "Thankfully our subjects are volunteers and we will not require any conscripts as of late." Albert shuddered at the thought, being conscripted to become a Pokemon.

"Now, time for your equipment." He said, pointing toward a table behind him. Albert turned around and walked toward it. On the table looked like a green messenger bag with a Pokeball symbol etched on it. Gary Oak lifted the messenger bag and opened it. His right hand pointed toward what looked like a bottle attatched to the fabric within. "This bag has a simple defense mechanism for your assignments. When you open the bag improperly, it will trigger this bottle of teargas to activate. He closed the messenger bag and showed him the seal resting on the front. "To properly open the bag, simply turn the small latch here..." He said pointing to a latch on the front, cleverly disguised as decoration. "...vertically." Gary Oak turned the latch upwards, and a snapping motion could be heard within. He then brought attention to the strap. "Hidden within the fabric of the strap is a small knife." He said pulling it out of the readjusting pulley of the strap. It was very small but a good potential weapon. He placed it back into it's sheath and handed the bag to him. Albert put on the bag, and turned around to the Sandslash.

Let us hope you last longer then the last amateur I was paired with.
She said before disappearing in a red light. Albert turned his head toward Gary Oak holding a Pokeball. He handed it to him and nodded his head.

"A word to the wise. As a Jester operative you have a license to kill, in order to achieve your objectives. However bare in mind, without a proper bond with yourself and your partner, any mission will likely result in fail. So, spend time with her before pursuing your current objective." Albert reached for the Pokeball and shrank it, and placed it into his suit pocket. He said goodbye to Gary Oak, and then turned around to leave for his first assignment
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  #3    
Old May 1st, 2010 (06:40 PM).
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Hmm, not a bad beginning - interesting certainly. I'm curious about why he's in a hospital, certainly, and why the Kanto government has a need for a secret agent and all. The description is decent - I got a good idea about the surroundings and generally the pacing of this opening chapter was steady. The portrayal of Albert was also decent - you showed us his thoughts well and there's a good feeling of what his character is like thus far, although I do feel I'd need to read a far bit more to properly judge him. =P There's some hiccups here and there but I'll get to them with the quotes below. =P Nothing too major though, and can be easily fixed.
Quote:
His light blond colored hair rested lightly on a soft white pillow.
His eyebrows felt rigid as they started to move back and forth.
His eyebrows were very lightly trimmed and gave him the guise of a nice, well kept person.
Watch for how you start sentences - a lot of them (bar the dialogue ones) started with 'He', 'His' 'The' and 'Albert' and this can get a bit repetitive quickly, especially if they're consecutive like here where all three sentences start with 'His'. It starts to make it sound more like a detailed list of description rather than a story, so be sure to mix it up a bit. On that not, you don't quite have this problem but at times the sentence lengths are rather similar and that tends to give the same list-like feel, and can affect the pacing of the story - try using long and short sentences some more. Lastly: light-blond over light blond, and well-kept over well kept.
Quote:
Along the far wall, was a door that peered out toward a hallway. The door held a small Plexiglas window that was at the moment, translucent.
Another thing to watch out for is the use of commas. Typically commas should be used before the 'fanboys' - for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so - besides of course the other instances (like before a name/nickname, in description at occasions, etc). Here though the commas before 'was' and 'translucent' don't serve any purpose and just create an uncomfortable pause in the sentences, so I suggest you take them out here.
Quote:
His head at the moment was throbbing, and the only thing he wanted at the moment, was aspirin.
Same as before. A good way to test whether a comma is needed is to simply read out loud and see if it sounds all right without the comma and then with (or vice versa, whatever you want). =P
Quote:
"Excuse me." He asked her. The nurse almost jumped at his voice. "Might I please have some medicine? I have a splitting headache".
Firstly as a beside, I'd recommend not bolding the dialogue as it tends to distract from the rest of the fic is anything. (On that note I would also advise using the normal size two text for fics for easier reading - just that it's not too easy to read fics at times on the computer screen).

Anyways here was a consistent mistake, which a lot of people tend to make. (I made this for a good while until I was told the right way as well XD). Generally with dialogue, you end the sentence in the dialogue only when the following part doesn't 'flow on'. If it does though, you treat the dialogue and the following part as one sentence and hence don't capitalise the word immediately following the quotation mark (unless it's a proper noun) and you don't use a full stop before the quotation mark. Here's some examples:
Quote:
"Excuse me," he asked her.
'he asked her' doesn't work by a sentence on itself and is part of the whole line as one sentence, hence a comma and small h in he.
Quote:
"Excuse me!" he asked her.
you can still use stuff like exclamation marks though - just not full stops. However...
Quote:
"Excuse me." The woman glanced at Albert.
Here 'The woman glanced at Albert' works as a sentence on its own and is separate from the dialogue, so a full stop can be used and the two parts properly treated as different sentences. Note also that the full stop should consistently be within the quotation marks rather than be sometimes inside or outside.

So with some other instances with your fic:
Quote:
"Ah Mr. Stark. I see you have awoken". He said with a strong foreign accent.
"What is this place?" He said glancing around. "Who are you?" He questioned.
Memory loss was not an expected symptom for you." He said puzzled.
"Just tell me what's going on already." He ordered.
Tell me, what is your rank in the POS order?" He asked as he began to write on his pad of paper.
You underwent brain surgery and now that you have awoken are to be promoted to Jester status". Jester status suddenly gave Albert a warm feeling.
They would become like so:
Quote:
"Ah Mr. Stark. I see you have awoken," he said with a strong foreign accent.
"What is this place?" He said glancing around. "Who are you?" he questioned.
Memory loss was not an expected symptom for you, he said, puzzled.
"Just tell me what's going on already," he ordered.
Tell me, what is your rank in the POS order?" he asked as he began to write on his pad of paper.
You underwent brain surgery and now that you have awoken are to be promoted to Jester status." Jester status suddenly gave Albert a warm feeling.
(Also I suggest adding in that comma after said, as reading aloud a pause feels natural there).

Continuing on, I do have a question about what a 'POS order' is... an explanation in the story (not too blunt a one though, rather one worked into the story rather than inserted as if you the narrator was stopping for a moment to explain something) would be something I'd like to see. I so wonder also about 'Knight Errant' or 'Jester' - I've little ideas what they entail, and can only assume he's a knight becoming a jester of the court upon first reading it. ;P

Quote:
She backed away slightly before reaching into her pocket and pulling out a small childproof bottle. The Nurse opened the bottle and almost immediately Albert opened his mouth. She placed it underneath his tongue and delightfully, he swallowed.
No need for 'Nurse' to be capitalised there, especially as in other instances it isn't.
Quote:
Odd. He thought to himself.
Same deal with dialogue - 'He thought to himself' doesn't stand by itself as a separate sentence so link it in with the thought of 'Odd' and change the full stop to a comma, and He to he. I also suggest putting thoughts in italics of for instance 'thought' just so it's easier to tell straight away that it's being thought - minor but it can be odd to read something only to realise the next sentence it was a thought and go back to confirm that realisation.
Quote:
His 'stash surrounded mouth smiled and spoke.
'stash-surrounded', although I would suggest maybe rewording this a touch as it just sounds a bit awkward as-is... maybe 'His mouth which was hidden by a deep-black moustache smiled as he spoke' or a variation of that...
Quote:
"Now your attire is located in the closet. Please get dressed, and meet me to the right." He said pointing to the door. Nobewas unfastened Albert's straps and before he could ask him anything else, he walked out the door.
replace with a comma and small h, again.
Quote:
He took the Blazer off the hanger, and as he did so a piece of paper fell from it's pocket. Albert reached of it, and opened the message.
blazer shouldn't be capitalised here I feel, and 'for' over 'of'. Also 'its' over 'it's' (the latter meaning it is I believe...)
Quote:
"Get ready, your up for promotion."
you're rather than your (you are).

Overall though an intriguing beginning and a decent one too - as said most of the stuff here doesn't take too much to fix. Watch for sentence structure and use of punctuation particularly in dialogue is the blunt of it, as well as making sure we as the reader don't get any question marks over the odd detail. Good luck with the rest of the fic.


...oh and I've been ninja'd by a chapter no less while writing this. XD Well on a quick glance some things above can already be applied there as well (such as the bolding of dialogue being unnecessary as well as the punctuation errors, so there's something already. Might read at a later date, methinks.
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  #4    
Old May 1st, 2010 (06:44 PM).
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Well now some criticism.

Most of the grammar hiccups are due to my current lack of an editor. As I am not used to self editing it tends to make my writing feel like nails on a chalk board.

Anyways, thank you for your critique. I will make notes for future chapters
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Old May 1st, 2010 (06:46 PM).
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Hmn. . . .interesting. The Pokemon has a human mind? Cool! I looked it over and couldn't really find any mistakes, so I think you got all of that right. If I may ask, why is the speaking in bold? I really like this story, and it's very well written!
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Old May 1st, 2010 (06:48 PM).
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Quote originally posted by Fearless Love:
Hmn. . . .interesting. The Pokemon has a human mind? Cool! I looked it over and couldn't really find any mistakes, so I think you got all of that right. If I may ask, why is the speaking in bold? I really like this story, and it's very well written!
Conversations in Bold is a habit I picked up after being a beta reader for someone and always having to bold mistakes. However in this case it's more of a mechanic to differentiate thoughts and conversations as there's a lot of dialogue in this fic.
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  #7    
Old May 19th, 2010 (09:38 PM). Edited May 19th, 2010 by Scales.
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Alright after a few weeks of drafting out the first part. Here is the next chapter.

Since I got mostly negative reaction toward the bolded conversation. I decided to remove that aspect

NON HUMAN

BOOK 1: Stirred to perfection

Chapter 3: Tools of your trade

Saffron City - 12:31 AM

Luna seemed to hate everything.

It was the first aspect Albert noticed about her. After getting dropped off by the helicopter he immediately heard it.

<Must they always drop their operatives in the middle of nowhere?> Saffron city dwelt just under a mile away, and she was complaining. That lead to Albert Stark's first lesson as a JESTER operative. What thoughts Luna could hear, and which she was deafened to. Immediately without thinking it, a cold grimace spread across his face.

Will she ever shut up?
Albert was confused at first when she craned her head around, then embarrassed.

<Tis a good thing then that JESTER operatives have short lifespans. Then we won't have to stand each others company for very much longer.>
Albert straightened his tie and gulped. While he was apologetic he didn't take back his comment. A mixture of broken pride and dried saliva kept his words away. When they did start walking, he changed the subject.

"What was your last assignment like?" He asked curiously. They were on the road now, coming from the East toward the city. The general amount of fauna kept his attention for the longest time. Blades of grass folded in his general direction. The wind; a gentle peacekeeper seemed to frolic in the gaps between Luna's fur. He was almost too mesmerized to hear her snide comment.

<You mean my last failure. I was partnered with the latest amateur to grace the JESTER program.> The town gate of Saffron city could now be seen. <We entered a warehouse filled with terrorists. What does he do?> Albert shrugged his shoulders back, there weren't too many strategies for such an endeavor.<No he doesn't ask me to attack, no he doesn't ask me to use discretion. He asks me to go back for backup from HQ. Being my superior I was forced to return to the nearest Police station. As per my orders in such a situation.> Albert bowed his head toward the Saffron city greeter gently, however not keeping his eye off Luna.

"What happened next?" A dank chill reverberated through to his spine.

<When we returned the warehouse was empty. All that remained were opened crates. Surprisingly enough we did find traces of a certain liquid on the scene. But I didn't have enough clearance to find out about it.> There was a certain resentment in Luna's thoughts. Stark sensed something in her words, though didn't act upon it.

"So where's our cont...?" Albert asked changing the subject bluntly. Before he could finish she interjected matter-of-factly.

<Pokemon center. Its in the files you apparently didn't read.> The stab caught Albert off guard. His pride came back full force soon after. The Center was within view and he observed the figure leaning on the door in front.

The woman was older then he was. Even from that distance, her weathered eyes could be seen. Very light amber with a bloodshot quality to them. When she first caught sight of him, Albert felt his skin standing on end. The feeling brought him back to being a schoolboy who didn't hand in his homework. That ever present stare of contempt, followed by shame and self pity. When he stood in front of her the feeling only slightly backed off. The woman lit a short, thin cigarette. As she exhaled smoke wafted through her long red hair. She must have been attractive at one point. Albert mused to himself.

"Wipe that smirk off your face. You have a job to do." He froze in place, the same feeling of embarrassment vibrated through his flesh. Her black masculine attire giving off a sense she didn't like anybody.

"Yes ma'am." He responded neutrally. This wasn't the first time Stark required a firm hand. That cold grasp to the throat brought up memories of the academy.

"Now. Your target Le' Strange has gone underground since he heard a JESTER was after him." She motioned toward a building behind him. Albert arched his head back and looked around. "He does however have a lover." He turned around again and saw she had a photograph grasped. Albert reached for the photograph and held it toward the light.

The photo was of a young girl, he estimated she must have been only a few years his junior. Her pale complexion matched a coif of flaming red hair hidden beneath a small hat. An all to familiar feeling of warmth echoed through his lower body. Causing Luna to giggle in his mind slightly.

"Silvia Trench." She said slowly. As if he wouldn't understand it otherwise. "She is dining in the club behind you. Use any means possible to locate Le' Strange. You know what to do then." The woman dropped her cigarette and stomped it out. She nodded toward him and walked off. Stark knelt down toward Luna and scratched her ears.

"You mind sitting this one out?" He asked her curiously. A loud groan echoed throughout his mind.
<Already your starting to give me orders Stark?> He stood up and shrugged. Before he could turn around he heard an answer.<I like that.>
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Old June 7th, 2010 (11:33 PM).
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Some interesting developments there - have to say I wonder what it would be like for a person to be a Pokemon...and what it's like for the Pokemon as well (or their soul/awareness/whatever). I'm also curious about what Albert will end up having to do further on this assignment as his. Truth be told the jester status still makes me think on occasion that Albert is about to break into song and dance or something wacky like that. ;p

Characters are interesting personality-wise as well, particularly Luna's rather indifferent reactions to everything.

I will note however that something getting in the way of the narrative is the grammar/spelling which could be improved further. There's already some improvements like with the starting-sentences-with-the-same-word problem I mentioned before which is good to see, now's just the rest of it to get to work on. =P

Quote:
"One, pair of Aviator sunglasses" He said pulling them out.
Quote:
"And one gold locket with a heart embroidered on the front". He said placing it on the table.
Quote:
"Excuse me." Albert said catching the man's attention.
This problem reappeared though (more in the chapter you posted before I did my last review, but figured you might as well want to edit it as well sometime =P). Basically, if the dialogue and part following it can be read as one sentence then treat the two parts as so and hence use commas over full stops in the dialogue tags, and avoid capital letters as if you start a new sentence. Thus the above becomes:
Quote:
"One pair of Aviator sunglasses," he said, pulling them out.
Quote:
"And one gold locket with a heart embroidered on the front," he said, placing it on the table.
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"Excuse me," Albert said, catching the man's attention.
Comma after One and pair wasn't needed btw. And the new bolded commas added in are for the pauses that ought to be there when one reads the sentences out loud - without them the sentence reads awkwardly. Alternatively you can replace the comma with a few more words to complete the sentence e.g. '...the front," he said as he placed it on the table.'

Quote:
The hallways of the PokeTech facility were lime colored to match their chairs, and were easily labeled by lines colored on the walls that would eventually reach their destinations.
lime-colored. Also the latter part of the sentence is confusing... what reaches the destinations, the lines or the hallways or walls...? It's not that clear, and the last 6 words are what confuses and aren't that necessary imo.
Quote:
A Grey colored filing cabinet could be seen propped up to one corner of the wood textured room.
grey-coloured, and wood-textured.
Quote:
"Now we are deploying you in Saffron City, find what you can from a contact listed in those files." Albert nodded and left the office.
Suggest making a new sentence there (as if read as one sentence the dialogue doesn't sound quite right - like a run-on sentence) - hence comma to a full stop and Find over find.
Quote:
Technology specialist of POS was none other then 40-something year old Gary Oak
Firstly a minor thing - normally numbers get typed out in words if they are less than 100 e.g. seventeen over 17, and forty-something over 40-something.

This part I do question a bit - not too sure why gary oak, who canonically (from what I know of all the canons) cares mostly about battling and even in the games becomes a gym leader, rather than a technology specialist of all things. =/ Just doesn't seem like something that would actually suit him, and I don't see why this character would have to be Gary either - could just as well be an OC or something like that in his place.
Quote:
"So I presume you are my 8 oclock?" He said, looking up from the computer.
Same deal with the number, o'clock, and he over He. And add in that comma before 'looking'.
Quote:
Gary Oak pulled out a digital watch that upon first inspection, Albert thought resembled Poke-Gear.
Comma here seems unneeded - could go without it.
Quote:
Resting in the middle of the room, was a Sandslash. Looking at him with a puzzled expression on it's face and it's claws raised slightly.
The comma isn't need their otherwise (unless upon reading it sounds like it needs it or it's joining two independent sentences, it should only be there if one of the 'fanboys' [for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so] is present), and the second sentence is incomplete - try adding 'It was' at the beginning, I suggest. Also its over it's (it is).
Quote:
However bare in mind, without a proper bond with yourself and your partner, any mission will likely result in fail.
bear.
Quote:
Immediately without thinking it, a cold grimace spread across his face.
This sounds a bit awkward as well with the structure (I take it without thinking it mans it was making the grimace). Maybe consider rewording? Minor though.
Quote:
<Tis a good thing then that JESTER operatives have short lifespans. Then we won't have to stand each others company for very much longer.>
'Tis and other's, I believe.
Quote:
"What was your last assignment like?" He asked curiously.
Should be a small h.
Quote:
The wind; a gentle peacekeeper seemed to frolic in the gaps between Luna's fur
This sentence seemed rather out of place with the jump to purplish-prose with describing it as a 'gentle peacemaker', especially as the rest hasn't been in this style which is why it sticks out a bit. At any rate could use a touch of rewording imo - just sounds...awkward.
Quote:
<Pokemon center. Its in the files you apparently didn't read.> The stab caught Albert off guard. His pride came back full force soon after.
off-guard. Also this reads a bit blocky - 'said this. They affected him like this. He reacted like that' - especially as you then didn't show us how his pride came back in full force - try adding that in so we can see what's happening more than being told what's happening.
Quote:
The woman was older then he was. Even from that distance, her weathered eyes could be seen. Very light amber with a bloodshot quality to them. When she first caught sight of him, Albert felt his skin standing on end. The feeling brought him back to being a schoolboy who didn't hand in his homework. That ever present stare of contempt, followed by shame and self pity. When he stood in front of her the feeling only slightly backed off. The woman lit a short, thin cigarette. As she exhaled smoke wafted through her long red hair. She must have been attractive at one point. Albert mused to himself.
I'd recommend italicising thoughts so that they appear to be like thoughts right off the bat instead of just another sentence in a paragraph - also I'd change the full stop after point to a comma as the sentence technically doesn't stop there - it's together with the following 'Albert mused to himself'. I'll also note that this was another instance of blockiness - the sentences were all of similar lengths making it read more like dot points than a paragraph - mix it up some more with long and short sentences to fix that pacing feel, I suggest.
Quote:
"Yes ma'am." He responded neutrally.
change full stop and He to a comma and he respectively.
Quote:
The photo was of a young girl, he estimated she must have been only a few years his junior
I'd make a new sentence there - as-is this sounds like a run-on sentence.
Quote:
An all to familiar feeling of warmth echoed through his lower body. Causing Luna to giggle in his mind slightly.
too over to (or rather all-too-familiar), and join the two sentences as the second one doesn't work as a sentence on its own if you read out loud.
Quote:
<Already your starting to give me orders Stark?> He stood up and shrugged.
you're over your (you are, instead of the possessive your).

All in all watch out for the mistakes as they distract from what is otherwise a decent development in the story - mostly stuff with punctuation around dialogue, commas and also sentence structures at times. Keep it up.
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