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  #1    
Old June 5th, 2010, 02:11 PM
miley810's Avatar
miley810
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Hey I am trying to make a story.Now I know it might be bad right now but I will most likely change it some but please tell me what you think.I am trying to do a pokemon teen titen cross over and I am sorry about miss spelled words.This will bring back the old villin slade and I remade Tarra a Teen titen.I also put in a charecter of mine.Enjoy!

Setting:Titen Tower

Cyborg:Beastboy!Tofu is not food!
Beastboy:Yes it is its just healthy!
Cyborg:Nothing that descusting should be considered food!
Bestboy:It is not descusting!
Raven:You two are such idiots.
Beastboy and Cyborg:Are not!
Raven:I'm not being pulled into this.
With that Raven got up and went to her room.
Robin was sitting on the couch.Starfire walked up to him.
Starfire:Have you seen our friend Raven?
Robinhe just went to her room but Beastboy and Cyborg just made her mad so I do not sujust going in there.
Starfire:Thank you Robin.

Then the siren started going off.

Robin:Trouble at the match factory!

(When they got to the factorty.)

???:Well well if it isn't the teen titen gang.
Robinlade.
Slade:Arn't we the quick one well lets see how quick you get yourself out of this one.
Slade threw out a devise and a portal opened.Then his goons silently snuck up behind them and pushed them all into it.Starifire looked up and saw a yellow mouse standing there.
Cyborg:What in the world is that!
Robinrobley one of Slade's goons,scan it.
Cyborg scaned it.
Cyborg:Its not in the databanks.
???:Thats a wierd pokedex.
Cyborg:What in the hamburger is a Pokedex?!
Cyborg turned around and a boy named Ash Ketchum was standing there.
Ash:You don't know what a pokedex is?What have you been living under a rock and what is up with you guys?Your green,your half robot,you look like your half dressed you look like you carrry around a sheet and hid under it,and you look like your play super hero!
Young Dawn walked up.
Dawn:I don't care if your right you are so mean!
Ash:Am not!
Dawn:Are too!
Ash:Am not!
Dawn:Are too!
Ash:Am not anyways Picachu come here.
Robin:Cyborg!
Cyborg held up its cannon as Picachu went to Ash.
Picachu looked over at Cyborg.
Ash:You guys act like he is a murderer!
Cyborg:I guess the guy is okay.
Cyborg picked Picachu up and fliped him around.Pickachu go mad and thundershocked Cyborg.
Cyborg:Ack I was wrong very very wrong!
Starfire started to float and blasted Picachu.
Ashtop that!Wait..........HOW ARE YOU FLOATING!You act like your not from this plant!
Starfire:Thats because I'm not!
Ash:...What?

So what do you think?Please post away and fell free if you have any ideas I would like to know what you might of saw wrong and what you liked best.Thanx in advance.Remember it might not be good because I did something bad and just wrote it right away and just had a idea on how they would get there.Post away! I hoped you Enjoyed it!
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  #2    
Old June 5th, 2010, 03:58 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
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Quote:
just wrote it right away
*record scratch*

That's...not good. There's no need for you to post your story as soon as you finish writing it. What you should do is sit on the idea for a while and see where it goes, develop it a little. Then, when you do write it, write it to your own computer so that only you see it for now. Take your time writing it. Once you finish the chapter, let it sit for a few days so that you can look it over with fresh eyes. Also, a perk to writing on the computer is that there's a thing called spell-check found in most writing programs and also online. Looking over your story will allow you to see anything you might need to fix or add/take out to make the chapter better.

Then, when you think it's ready, post it online.

But it takes time.

You also might want to read over the rules of this section, since what you wrote is a script fic, and not a very good one. It's only dialogue, with maybe four sentences that show where the characters are and what they're doing. Here's just a simple explanation as to how a script would be formatted.

This needs a lot of work to it to even just clean it up. I'm not the best when it comes to deciding if crossovers will work or not. But I do know that this needs improvement in grammar and spelling, plus the formatting.

Just for a start: it's spelled "Pikachu".
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  #3    
Old June 5th, 2010, 04:11 PM
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miley810
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Sorry I've always had trouble with spelling Pikachu.Though as I stated I'm going to change things and this is just like to get out the idea.
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  #4    
Old June 5th, 2010, 05:05 PM
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Delusions of Originality
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Since right now all you're doing is pitching an idea, maybe you should just describe it instead of trying to cram it into dialogue of any sort. Just explaining it is probably easier than trying to work out the specific details of who said what when after doing whatever, and would give us a better summary of your actual plot to work with. Save the story itself, whether in script format or paragraph format, for later when you actually have more time to devote to cleaning it up.

That said, I've never been an especially huge fan of crossovers so I can't give you any advice other than what was suggested in the first thread you made. Good luck with it, though.
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  #5    
Old June 5th, 2010, 05:55 PM
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Thorns
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Combing two animes as one, original but classic and unique when using Teen Titans. I liked it, but I don't think Ash's dialogue sounds like him. And Dawn wouldn't argue with him. so some re editing should happen.
  #6    
Old June 5th, 2010, 06:01 PM
miley810's Avatar
miley810
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Thanx guys.That is going to be realy helpful.I will be changing it some will get out a new and better story out.Please continue to read my stories and I hope you enjoy them.Again Thank you.
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  #7    
Old June 5th, 2010, 06:46 PM
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If I may offer some advice....

When writing a sentence, when you place a "," or a "." Put a space after it so it'll look like this:

"And then Pikachu used thunderbolt, shocking its rival terribly. Pikachu won the battle! Yay!"

I agree with Delusions of Originality, you should probably give a description and try to write it down before giving dialogue.

Other than that, goodluck with your story!
  #8    
Old June 5th, 2010, 08:24 PM
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miley810
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Thanx!Guys I hope People will continue to give me such good advise as you guys.
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  #9    
Old June 6th, 2010, 11:36 AM
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You're spelling needs a little help! I think it could generally be a good story because you're a good writer, but you need to add a bit more description to it. I never was a very goo critique. Well good luck with this!
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  #10    
Old June 11th, 2010, 11:22 AM
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miley810
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Thanx everybody and please keep posting on this story
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My vampire brother: ShinyDiamond
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  #11    
Old June 12th, 2010, 07:42 AM
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First off: I don't recommend writing scripts. They can go awry more often than not, and when that happens they need to be closed.

Second: Learn to use punctuation marks effectively. For example, if Robin was bursting into the match factory and found Slade standing there, he wouldn't say "Slade." as if he was asking about the weather. He'd get melodramatic and yell "Slade!". If he was confused about Slade being there he would say "Slade?" and so on.

Third: develop stage directions. It's hard to distinguish when characters are speaking and when they're moving. For example, this:
Quote:

???:Well well if it isn't the teen titen gang.
Robinlade.
Slade:Arn't we the quick one well lets see how quick you get yourself out of this one.
Slade threw out a devise and a portal opened.Then his goons silently snuck up behind them and pushed them all into it.Starifire looked up and saw a yellow mouse standing there.
Cyborg:What in the world is that!
turns into this:

Quote:

???:Well well if it isn't the teen titen gang.
Robinlade.
Slade:Arn't we the quick one well lets see how quick you get yourself out of this one.
[Slade threw out a devise and a portal opened.Then his goons silently snuck up behind them and pushed them all into it.Starifire looked up and saw a yellow mouse standing there.]
Cyborg:What in the world is that!
Also, it should be noted that stage directions are always in present tense.

Fourth: run this through a spelling and grammar check. I can point out four typos and about ten grammar errors in the above quote, and I'm not really trying too hard. Or better yet, pay attention when you're in school and observe correct grammar usage in books.
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  #12    
Old June 14th, 2010, 03:58 PM
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Like Giratina girl said, script 'fics are usually closed, and I have not seen a Script 'fic that is actually Good.
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  #13    
Old July 7th, 2010, 12:26 PM
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miley810
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Thanks this is all going to be helpful,the reason I write in scripts is because when I write in the other form the story comes out a mess and even I get confused on who said what,this helps me remember but the next one I'll try the other way and see if you guys can understand it
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Sig Credit: Fire Heart (thanks sis!)

My vampire brother: ShinyDiamond
My vampire sister: PinkSapphire
My Pair: Nonexistant...Besides anime characters of course
  #14    
Old August 6th, 2010, 10:15 PM
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miley810
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I haven't been thinking about this story much but I'll try and get a better,longer,and fully inproved version of it out
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Card Captor Sakura ★ April

Miley ★ BFF // Cousin // Siblings
Sig Credit: Fire Heart (thanks sis!)

My vampire brother: ShinyDiamond
My vampire sister: PinkSapphire
My Pair: Nonexistant...Besides anime characters of course
  #15    
Old August 7th, 2010, 11:08 AM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
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Unfortunately, you still can't bump threads over a month old. That's only for your actual fanfic threads in the main forum.

When you have the other version of this fully planned out, then you can post a new thread.
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