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  #1    
Old June 25th, 2010, 07:10 PM
screamXD's Avatar
screamXD
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the pokemon mentioned in this story.
Authors note: This is my first fanfic ever written so any advice would be apreciated. Please excuse any gramatical errors. Oneshot.
Forest Fire
‘’ Treecko use bullet seed! ‘’ Richard ordered his tired starter pokemon.
Richard had just recently begun his pokemon journey and was eager to get into some pokemon battles. He had received his Treecko from Professor Birch just three short days ago and had been training his Treecko ever since. After receiving his pokemon Richard had managed to work his way to the Petalburg Woods. While making his way through the woods Richard was challenged to a pokemon battle by an unknown trainer. Due to his eagerness to battle Richard quickly accepted the challenge.
‘’ Houndour dodge! And then use ember! ‘’ The unknown trainer ordered his pokemon
Houndour had easily dodged the bullet seed attack. Then Houndour opened its mouth and began shooting weak balls of flame at Treecko. The attack hit Treecko at full force.
‘’ Treecko are you okay? ‘’ Richard asked his pokemon, a bit worried.
‘’ Treecko tree! ‘’ Responded Treecko.
‘’ Awesome! Now run at full speed and hit him with a pound attack! ‘’
Following his trainers orders, Treecko ran and hit Houndour in the face with his large tail. Houndour took a few steps back, clearly stunned at the sudden attack, then let out a vicious roar.
‘’ That’s the spirit! ‘’ The trainer encouraged his Houndour.
Suddenly, a white light had covered all of Houndours body.
‘’ It’s evolving! ‘’ Richard yelled.
The small dog like body of Houndour had suddenly begun to change. Large razor sharp horns began to develop on its head. Its small tail grew longer and developed a sharp tip on its end. Its whole body began to grow. Then the light began to disappear and the newly shaped pokemon was visible.
‘’ Excellent! Now Houndoom use flamethrower! ‘’
‘’ Dodge it Treecko! ‘’ Richard yelled.
Treecko began running in a circle to avoid the flames. Though the Houndoom began rotating himself to try and hit the Treecko with his flames. Treecko had ran in a complete circle by the time Houndooms flame had puttered out. Treecko then noticed that the flamethrower had left him and Houndoom trapped in a ring of fire. The fire then started spreading closer to Treecko and Houndoom.
‘’ Treecko! ‘’
‘’ Houndoom! ‘’ The trainers yelled.
‘’ Treecko tree! ‘’ Cried Treecko as he jumped on Houndooms back.
‘’ Doom!’’ Cried Houndoom in pain and fear.
The fire had drawn close to them and had begun to burn Houndooms four paws. Treecko began to worry. His plan had been to climb on Houndooms back and jump over the ring of fire. But the fire had risen into walls of fire so high that they blocked his vision of Richard. He couldn’t hear any thing over the pain filled cries of Houndoom. Suddenly he began to spray seeds out of his mouth in a weak attempt to put some of the fire out.
Suddenly Treecko felt a burning pain on the tip of his tail. It had bee on fire. His feet began burning as well as Houndooms whole body had been engulfed in flames. Treecko looked up and saw the moon for the last time. As he looked up the flames engulfed his whole body.
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  #2    
Old June 28th, 2010, 12:56 PM
Mutt19's Avatar
Mutt19
Kill confuse ray not golbat
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Gender: Male
pretty wierd way to end it. What happened to Treecko did he die? I'd find that messed up. But besides that I liked it.
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Narrator: A wild Groudon appeared.
Bob: Go pikachu!
Narrator: Pikachu used thunder!
Narrator: It had no effect.
Narrator: Groudon threw a bomb.
Narrator: Pikachu fainted.
Bob: Oh right now I white out!
Bob: Bleh!
Oh and please click the eggs below PLZ yur doin meh a favor.

I am a member of the medicham hater club. I don't think anybody else is in it but I'm still proud of it!
Oh and umm... I support this. Don't ask why I just do.
  #3    
Old June 28th, 2010, 01:55 PM
Citrinin's Avatar
Citrinin
Nephrotoxic.
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Citrinin
OK, I'm probably a bit rusty with my reviews, so those with more recent experience, feel free to correct my corrections.

The first thing that I noticed off-the-bat is that it was short. Now, short is not inherently bad. Some great pieces can be written with a small wordcount. It is only bad if the shortness is the result of not conveying enough information. And, your piece does suffer from this, in my opinion.

The physical description is lacking. Take, for example,

Quote:
Treecko ran and hit Houndour in the face with his large tail.
I'm going to give you some of the most important advice handed to me in my first fanfic: show, don't tell. This is incredibly important. Saying to the reader what happened with the actions is not enough to evoke any kind of emotion. The reader reads through it as a session of going through the motions, rather than an excited flurry of attacks. You're not giving us any idea of what the visual impact looks like. Instead, you're giving us a description of the motion.

Obviously, in a battle, which this entire piece is about, the mechanical movements are not of interest. Rather, the visual effect it has is. Therefore, you need to focus on that in your writing.

Furthermore, you also lack in any kind of emotional description. For example, where Treecko spits out seeds in desperation? Take us into the mind of Treecko. Whether or not you give Pokémon human characteristics, it is going to have, at the very least, a powerful fight or flight response triggered. Show us that. Show us the fear. The desperation.

The ending was an interesting and unexpected twist. In contrast to the above reviewer, although I wasn't feeling most of your piece, the end did grab my attention. However, I did feel that the execution wasn't up to standard here in the same way it wasn't in the battle.

You have the opportunity for some really powerful, lasting imagery in your last two sentences:

Quote:
Treecko looked up and saw the moon for the last time. As he looked up the flames engulfed his whole body.
There is a nice contrast between the beauty of the moon and the viciousness of the flames. But, again, I didn't feel that through these sentences. I saw two simple descriptions, which, if elaborated on and made more deep, could have alone made this fic a piece of art.
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