September 15th, 2010 (01:34 PM). Edited October 11th, 2010 by Zylasn.
The theme for the fanfic is down below.
The Blades Of Aura Theme.mp3
And now, on to the prologue of this mini-series. (These <> indicate telepathy)
The Célarustarn Chronicles, Part 1
The Blades Of Aura
My name is Marcus O’Donnell. What am I, you ask? Take a closer look at me, then. I am a Lucario, and I have quite a tale I want to share with you, a tale with my death, rebirth, and a friendship made to last.
Several hundreds of years ago, there was a kingdom that sat in what is now present-day Hearthome City. People and Pokemon lived and worked there side-by-side in harmony. I remember the days when I was just a cute, little Riolu who dreamed of learning how to become stronger. I imagined that, if only I could do it somehow, I'd be able to perform Aura Sphere. I spent a week trying, giving it my all. But it was to no avail, and just as I was about to give up, a young man saw me and kind of smiled. I could recall him wearing a black cape and a blue hat with some strange, mysterious yellow symbol. Why, I felt like he'd been watching me ever since that first time I ever came outside that morning.
"Well, it seems to me that you're not trying hard enough with that move. Your efforts tell me you want to do Aura Sphere. Oh, I'm sorry, forgot to introduce myself. The name's Sir Aaron. May I inquire, what is your name?"
<Umm... It's, uhh...>
"Come on now, no need to be shy."
"Glad to meet you, Marcus. You see, I've been here traversing through town lately, scouting the area for someone to train in the way of aura."
<Aura, I've only heard of it and I believe I've actually sensed it before. No one's gone as far to explain to me what is, though.>
"I’d be willing to go into a little detail for you. Aura is the very living essence inside everyone one on this planet, that means you and I. Most beings can't see it, let alone use it. That's why I just know you're unique; you can already use aura to project your thoughts as words to anyone around you."
I tagged along with Sir Aaron as he chatted about aura, and about his upbringings in life, how he's at where he is now. We eventually came to a stop at Cameron Palace.
"Marcus, from now on this place will be your new home, as well as your training grounds. I aim to make this clear. As your friend, not master, I shall teach you everything I know, so you, too, can be a true user of aura."
<It's a little sudden when you announced that to me, but nonetheless I thank you, Sir Aaron.>
"Yes, the aura is inside... I sure hope you're ready for training the day after tomorrow."
<Right, I shall be ready by the time it comes.>
"Ok, but now it's getting really late, we should get some sleep."
<Alright, see you in the morning.>
Weeks, then months flew by. I had changed into a grown Lucario during that time, plus Aaron and I discovered my potential.
"It's about time I passed down something to you. It's a scroll with what I'd assume has a secret technique written on it, but I can't read it, it seems to be written in what I hear are called, Footprint Runes. Would you like to have it?"
<Yes, I'll accept it.>
"Well, here you go."
I opened it the scroll, and I was shocked by what I read. That's when Sir Aaron asked if he could hear what it said. So I told him. It read like this:
To The Beholder, Marcus, Whom This Scroll Is Destined For.
What is now in your possession is only for the purest of heart.
The ability this scroll shall grant you is Aura Storm.
It is yours to wield, but only use it when those you love or protect are in danger, as this move draws upon the user's life force and can be fatal.
Remember, I watch over you.
Three years after the event, our kingdom was under attack by a Darkrai who went by the name of Sephiroth.
"WHAT IS THAT?!?"
<Darkrai... That's Darkrai!>
"It's SEPHIROTH to you!"
<What do you want???>
"I want to destroy Cameron Palace AND ALL THE INHABITANTS INSIDE!"
"We will stop you Sephiroth! Right, Marcus?"
<Right, Sir Aaron!>
As I threw an Aura Sphere at Sephiroth, an entire army of Sableye appeared out of nowhere.
<Ah, great... This is not good!>
"Marcus... We will save the palace! I have faith in you!"
<Sir Aaron... Thanks, I have faith in you as well, good friend!>
"FAITH WILL DO NOTHING!" Sephiroth shouted
As I unleashed my fury upon Sephiroth, he knocked me back, and as I found him getting closer to Sir Aaron, preparing to attack him, I used Aura Storm to protect him.
<YOU SHALL NOT TAKE MY FRIEND'S LIFE FROM ME!!>
That split-second decision I knew knocked down Sephiroth forever! "You may won, Marcus, but how will you deal with the future? Even, after, my, death?" As the army of Sableye found Sephiroth dead, they ran screaming loudly, so loudly, it was probably enough make you deaf. I was terribly weakened by the last blow I delivered to Sephiroth, and I knew death was soon to follow me as well as it did Sephiroth The Darkrai. Only a few seconds had passed before Sir Aaron was there beside me.
"Marcus, are you alright?"
<No, I've feel I've not got much longer. UWAARRGH*> My body was wracked with immense pain, so as to force tears from my eyes <A-Aaron, I'm s-sorry I failed y-you, m-my f-riend. I wasn't r-ready to use Aura St-Storm yet.>
"You know as well as I do, that's not honest of yourself! You've proven to me you’re a true Aura Guardian, and you've made me proud." He had the slightest tear forming on the side of his face when he told me that.
<Y-y-you really t-think s-so?>
"I don't just think so, I know so! Your name shall be carved in legend long after you’re gone, I'll make sure it is! I just hope, maybe one day, we'll meet again."
<I feel... the same... My... Trusted... Partner... ... ... ...>
With my final breath, my soul left what bound it in place to Earth's gravity, but I knew there had to be just something else to do in the future, so I stayed on this planet, wandering throughout the country. It would only be a matter of time (a few centuries to be exact) before I would have an encounter with Servasius Lanésdren and his pal, Cloud, who were researching into some odd artifact. What it did, no one knew, not even he did.
I know it's rather short, and I apologize for that, but I couldn't extend this prologue any further than I already had, but I at least tried. The next chapter should hopefully be satisfyingly long enough. I've been at work on this fanfic for months, even with the long break inbetween writing the next chapters, so don't expect them to come one after the other, but don't expect them not to either.
September 17th, 2010 (07:32 AM). Edited October 11th, 2010 by Zylasn.
No posts yet? No matter, on to Chapter 1.
An Unexpected Visitor
"So, Wazzup, Cloud?" Servasius asked as he walked into his home. He was quite the figure for a 23 year-old young man: slim build, blue jeans, an open yellow jacket with an indigo tee underneath, blond hair spiked forward, and the irises of his eyes shone with a sapphire hue.
<Nothing much, as usual,> replied a Grovyle with shades.
"I wonder, do you ever take those things off?"
<Nope, I taken a great likin' to 'em, and they ain't comin' off either.>
"Oh really? Not even if I wrestled them off you, eh?"
<I'd love to so you try just once!> Cloud playfully taunted.
As quickly as Ash Ketchum could throw a Pokéball, Servasius was tumbling around the floor with Cloud, who attempted a weak Bullet Seed attack that was aimed at and narrowly missed Servasius' chest, which in turn knocked over a photo frame containing his parents' portrait.
"Hey, not cool, that's cheating!"
<All's fair in love and war.>
They stood up simultaneously, stared each other down for a moment, and then cracked a few laughs. "Man, and I would've nabbed those shades today, for sure! You know that!"
<Hmm, try again in anotha' thousand years, it'll probably take you dat long anyways 'fore you grab these slick things.> Again, more laughs, then sighs and silence. Cloud then inquired, <Did ya find out abou' what we've been researching, what it is?>
"Not quite, but I'm getting really close. All I know is this: It looks like a sword of some sort, but there's no edge on it. And by the way things appear there never was one. Whatever the sword may be, it's definitely not of this world."
<How would you come to that conclusion?>
"Well, I just-" Servasius cut off his sentence as he saw a Lucario, though not a physical being, walk in right front of him. "Who are you, and what the crap are you doing here?!"
<...You can see me, though I'm just a mere soul?! You're the first human I've talked to in centuries! The name's Marcus, Marcus O’Donnell.> As if it were by instinct he made a small bow. <But I was too shy in the past to tell one of my old friends, Sir Aaron, my full name.>
It seemed almost as if Servasius could have had a heart attack from an endorphin rush, as he replied with such enthusiasm, "I've heard about you in the archives on my PC! You really are the real deal, aren't you, how you saved Sir Aaron and the kingdom, your kingdom, Cameron Palace?! It's an honor to meet you, I'm Servasius Lanésdren!"
Cloud just rolled his eyes behind his shades and thought, well, there he goes again. 'Ow easily excitable he is. Oh well...
"Are you going to introduce yourself, or what, buddy?"
<Oh, yeah, I'm Cloud... You'd be pressed to remember it.>
"Please, forgive my friend; he's not good with meeting strangers for the first time."
<Well, it's not that big of a deal to me.> Marcus then noticed the hilt of Servasius' artifact, and asked, <Is that some sort of sword? It looks like it has an engraving on it, they seem to be something I can read.>
"…I never noticed them... Sure, you can take a peek, Marcus."
<...Umm, let me see, yep, they're written in Runes alright!>
"Runes? Are you serious?!"
<Yes, and they seem to be pretty old, as I can only read parts of the words... This blade ... generated ... Aura ... Hero ... told of ... prophecy... Célarustarn?>
<DAT, is, weird>, Cloud remarked.<.... As far as Servasius and I know, it doesn't exist.>
"True, Cloud, but what if this odd sword could have come from what might be an alternate dimension?"
<Maybe you should tell your parents of this discovery,> Marcus suggested.
Servasius briefly shut his eyes as he looked towards the ground, walked to the window near his parents’ photo that lay on the ground, then after some slight hesitation he replied, "…I don't have any parents, I lost them when I was a kid..." He took a pause to kneel and pick up the photo, stood up, and continued, "My family including Cloud, who was just a Treecko at the time, lived in Eterna City. Dad was a scientist researching in the field of time and space travel. Mom was interested in what he did, so she'd accompany him. One day, Dad up and announced he discovered he could send things back and forth through time, and wanted to go through time himself. Mom said it was kinda risky, but went on with it anyways. The machine powered up to 76.51% and was at a stable condition, but partway through at 87.63%, it short-circuited and my parents were gone. I tried everything Dad told me to do if something were to go wrong, but nothing worked.
"I didn't have a job, and I was too young to get one. At least I was qualified to pass as a Trainer, so Cloud and I up and left for Mt. Coronet, to make our home here. It wasn't easy, as we traveled during the cold, rainy, autumn nights. We must have almost passed out and died from fatigue, when Cresselia comforted us in our sleep, telling us not to give up... That was all the encouragement we ever needed. Of course, we didn't know it was Cresselia 'til we did some research on her on my PC a month ago."
<Sounds like quite the story,> commented Marcus, <and I feel for you... Wait a sec, I almost totally forgot to tell you why I was here in the first place! You see, I just felt like there was this, presence of another Lucario, but I couldn't find it. I followed my senses, which then led me to you. I told myself when I saw you, it can't be him, but when I look at you again, I feel the blood of my ancestors flowing through you. Something tells me, you aren't just a normal human being... Yes, your very blood is what I hear allows you to transform into a Lucarian, or so the ancient books say. The question is, how to unlock that potential in you.>
"So, wait, what you're saying is, I, can transform into a Lucario at will?"
<Maybe, but with a little refining of your skills, you should be able to manipulate aura in the same manner as I.>
"Okay, but, can this wait 'til later?"
<Yeah, enough chit-chat already, or I'm gonna hit the sack earlier than the both of you.>
<No problem. Got a spot I can stay?>
"Anywhere but my bed."
Of Time and Space
It was the night of a lunar eclipse; my new friends, Servasius and Cloud, were already fast asleep. I swear once, maybe twice that night I heard the voice of someone calling to me, or to something entirely else. I headed in that direction, only to find myself in front of that weird sword. The voice then spoke again in that soft, graceful tone.
"I am the voice of this blade, which was generated by aura. I shall only speak once on the night when the moon is red. The Hero, who is told of in The Prophecy Of Time and Space, is said to have the blood of a Lucario, and the blood of the dragon of the Reverse World, Giratina. He will come to save us in our time of need in the land of Célarustarn with three other Heroes, and companions will join those four Heroes in their quest. Tonight is the night when he and his companions shall head to the realm of Célarustarn, The Land of the Forgotten Dreams."
The last thing I could remember before knocking out were several strands of blue and green light around us, and Servasius' own form changed before my very eyes; I would have never thought he'd turn into a Lucario during the trip, but he had this, special, color to him: He was what people would call, shiny. It just so happened moments later that I saw a wall of white light and hit it, and everything around me faded as I drifted into and out of unconsciousness.
<Hey, where are we, and where's Servasius?!> Cloud was shocked by the fact he didn't know where he was, like a cat stuffed in a sack and thrown out someplace. <Marcus, you've got some explaining to do.>
<Well, I'd say we are in Célarustarn, and that's your friend right there,> pointing to the golden-yellow Lucario, who indeed was Servasius.
With just a little disbelief and hesitation, Cloud shook his friend awake, who wasn’t expecting the ordeal.
<What's going on here, why'd you wake, me, in...> Servasius let out such a scream from horror, now realizing his fate. <I'm a Lucario, and if you're telling us this right, Marcus, this blade I'm now holding is supposedly meant for me to wield?!>
<It would seem that way, yes.>
<And, by the looks of it, not only are we in Célarustarn, we're in some sort of temple.>
"That you are," replied a figure in a green tunic and matching color hat, "Similar to the one I drew the Master Sword from... I'm Link... Don't expect me to say much, but I'm willing to join your group, if you're interested. I have no clue where exactly I'm at myself, either, and how I got here."
<Alrigh', Link, bu' no funny business, got it?> Cloud snapped back.
Link scratched his head in wonder. "...What did your pal say just now?"
<He said something about not doing anything foolish,> Servasius answered
"... ... ... Okay."
Marcus then looked about, then inquired, <Shall we go, then?>
<'Bout time, too, we got no clue who we're supposed to save, now do we? I don't even think The Creator does, either.>
<The Creator, huh? I'm sure he does, but if he doesn't, maybe he'll come up with somethin', won't he Cloud?>
<Point taken, Servasius. 'Sides, talkin' about The Creator like dat, it'd probably tick him off, so I best think we migh' not want to go on chattin' like dat.>
As they headed in the ruins of a temple they noticed a large pillar in the middle of a wide room. Not knowing what it was, they decided to check it out.
<Hmmmmmm... Interesting.> commented Cloud. <Very, very interesting.>
"... Yep," was all Link could say.
<Link, ya' feelin' ok? You're awfully quiet.>
"... I'm always quiet. I hardly ever speak, it’s exceedingly rare that I do."
As they neared the pillar, Marcus noticed something about it. <'Kay, that's odd... I... Feel some sorta power resonating from it.>
<You know, Marcus,> replied Servasius, <Not all things have power resonating from it, unless it's actually alive.>
<Yeah, I know but... It's got an aura resonating from it... Something... Legendary... Possibly even godly.>
"Guys, I found some text!" shouted Link.
<NO WAY!> Cloud responded.
< Hmmmm... As I, Marcus, knew there was something special about this pillar, I'll read the text for everyone. "The Legendary Hero shall gain the power of the Hero of The Past, and the power he gains will aid him on his quest, and in the chamber is..." Great, the text fades from here... But... What power?>
Then Servasius inquired, <Marcus, do you know what this thing is talking about?>
<It may something to do with Aura Storm. But if it is used, it can cause death of the user.>
"Kinda like you?"
<Yes... But I only used it so I could save Sir Aaron. You, however, may be able to handle the tremendous energy drain that I couldn't.>
<I see. And what of the blade? How am I supposed to wield it?>
<I have no clue... I guess I'm supposed to help you figure that one out.>
“I would say you would,” Link stated.
<Link, how would you know?>
"... ... ... The Triforce... Its power is mine and it tells me of things unknown by the past."
<Ok... So, do you know who the boss is in this temple?>
"No, not even the three Golden Goddesses know."
<The three whats?>
"Din, Nayru and Farore... They created the Triforce and the world around you, Din used her flaming arms to carve and cultivate the red earth, Nayru gave the earth a law (an atmosphere) and Farore made life forms to uphold the law. With their duties complete, they left for the heavens. Where they left from became the Sacred Realm, and that's where the Triforce was at for many, many years, until Gannon came and claimed it... long story short: I had slain Gannon and, even before I had done away with him, I had (and still do have) possession of the Triforce of Courage."
<Wow, that is awesome!>
<Isn't... that... something... Cloud...>
<STAY WITH US, SERVASIUS!!>
"... Great," Link said "he passed out"
<Abou' how long do ya think Servasius'll be out fo'?>
"4-5 hours... Maybe less."
<Arise, Servasius Lanésdren,> a voice called out to Servasius. <You are one of The Chosen, and you must emerge as a new hero. You have been brought here to this realm to bring hope and light to Célarustarn, to free it from under the veil of darkness. Seek out three orbs, then bring them to Arceus at the Hall Of Origins. He should be able to unlock the power deep inside of you, the power to change form.>
<... Who are you, anyways? I feel you emitting a strong aura.>
<Who am I? I am Akatosh, one of the Divines who created you and this universe, even the Golden Goddesses and Great Fairies of Hyrule where Link hails from. And your blade, without my knowledge, people wouldn't have been able to create them. Your keyblade was sent from a different world from a place called Twilight Town.>
<... Akatosh, huh? I will not fail you in my quest, I promise.>
<Good, now go, and you shall surely be rewarded when the task is complete.>
<Hey, Servasius, you’re awake...> Marcus looked at what Servasius was now wielding and inquired, <What, is that?!>
<Oh, this? Akatosh told me it’s a keyblade.>
<I expected that blade to once have had a sharp edge, turns out to be a bit duller than I thought... So I guess whoever Akatosh is filled you in on some little details that we don’t know about?.. Yeah, I’m sorry, I kind of read your mind for that.>
<Not a problem, Akatosh also said Arceus can unlock the power hidden inside of me, but I need to bring three orbs to him first. I’d assume the first one is here in this dungeon.>
“Hate to break it to you guys, but shouldn’t we be moving on now?” Link was getting a little shifty from sitting around too long, and it seemed to rub off on Cloud as well.
<He's got a poin'> Cloud remarked. <Link, 'ow patient are ya to begin wit?>
"I'm not very patient, I HATE waiting."
<You don't see me complaining, do ya?> was Marcus' retort. <Anyways, let us move on.>
Then, with his eyes shining with adventure, Servasius shouted <Yeah, let's get going!>
As they looked around the dungeon, they came across a four way intersection. Each member of the group found a door, but every door except the one Marcus opened had nothing but a empty, small room behind it. <HEY! I found an open chamber!!!>
Servasius, Cloud, and Link then went over to Marcus' location, running to see what was inside the next room. "Hmmmmmmmm, interesting... a large chamber, really, really, hallow and empty" Link stated. He next drew his sword and shield in preparation. "This could be a trap if you are not careful... Marcus, you're a spirit, right?"
<Yes, indeed I am, how could you forget?>
"Good, now I'd like you to look in the floor for any traps"
<I'm on it.>
As Marcus looked for traps, a creature started to descend from above the group, almost unnoticed.
<Link, there are no traps in this room.>
"Ok, did you check the walls?"
<I'm way ahead of you, I sense nothing in the walls either.>
"Ok... just making sure."
Servasius then asked, <Link, is that all we need to have checked? I know there's gotta be more to it than that. Marcus, can you check the ceiling?>
<I'm definitely not going up there! I feel an unknown presence!>
<Yeah, and why not find out about it, don't we need to know what it is?>
<Ok, fine, I'll do it... let me see... There's a... holy crap!! Who or what is that?!>
While Link looked up at the ceiling, he notices something more terrifying than Gannon's rage, and just as soon as they see the fierce creature, an iron gate closes on the door behind them.
<'ey, who the 'ell are ya?!> Cloud was ready to leap into action even more than either member of Servasius' group <You wanna piece o' dis, or what?>
<I am Dialga, Temporal Deity of the Universe! I am not here to fight you.>
<Wow, man, was I wrong about the God of Time being a lady?>
<I'm neither male nor female... I'm what you'd consider an it.>
<No creatures are, its. They are either a he, she, or they.>
<I'm glad you feel that way, but my time is running short.>
Servasius then inquired, <What's wrong, Dialga, are you dying?>
<No... An evil force wants to control me, and I've little to no chance of fighting the curse that has been laid upon me. A man with scales for skin had assumed I was something he was after and tried to take me out. Turns out that I wasn't his target and laid a curse on my heart to bring out the evil within. He said he thought I was Akatosh, so I had to disappear! I don't even know who Akatosh is!> Dialga's body then started to emit a shadowy aura that caused Link's Triforce to glow, revealing the evil inside. <I can't take anymore of this, I'm losing control of my mind, please, agh, free my soul, argh... of this... Darkness!!> With those last words, Dialga transformed into Darkness Dialga, and sent out a furious Roar of Time in which Servasius and his group dodged in the nick of time.
"That man who laid that curse, he must be more powerful than Gannon, Vaati, and Agahnim combined!!"
<Who?!> Marcus, Cloud and Servasius questioned in unison.
"I'm shocked you've never heard of the most evil villains of Hyrule!!! Anyways, no time! Remind me to tell you about the three later. At the moment, we have to fight the evil that controls the Temporal God!"
Servasius summoned his keyblade to deflect Dialga's Darkness Claw almost before he took some damage, then went in for the counterattack. Cloud lent a hand using Leaf Blade, but both were pushed away by another Roar of Time from Dialga. Link then took his Master Sword and slashed at Dialga's back, with Marcus landing an Aura Sphere attack on the beast's head. Dialga then went down for a few brief seconds, giving Servasius an opportunity to get in a few strikes on his crystal, causing Darkness Dialga to scream in pain. Servasius then shouted over to his comrades, "Guys, weak point's the crystal on his chest, go for the crystal!”
That’s when Darkness Dialga got back up, disappeared, and next reappeared behind Link and Marcus and shot a Roar of Time. Link happened to glance over his shoulder in time to move and avoid the attack, but unfortunately, Marcus was caught off guard and hit by the blast. Strangely, it didn't hurt him, but instead brought him back to life. He didn't take the time to wonder about that, as he knew what was more important. Now that he was back in a physical body, he was off in a blur with Extremespeed, aimed directly at Darkness Dialga's weakspot; the moment he was right there, he landed 21 punches. It didn't take long before the whole group joined in, with Link cutting away and Cloud using Leaf Storm, bringing down Darkness Dialga once more, with Servasius landing the final blow to chest. And with that last attack, the shadowy aura faded from Dialga. He seemed terribly weakened, nonetheless, he still struggled up on his feet seconds later.
<... Thank you, couragous lads, you have done freed my soul, like I knew you could... I have a gift for you, oh Chosen One. A gift that will help you and your comrades on your quest, one that I can now easily part with...> Then there was a flash of white light, and the Orb of Time sat admist the group, floating down towards Servasius' hands. <I shall now send you outside on your journey in Célarustarn. Be safe out there, it is a dangerous land we're in, especially since that weird man showed up.>
<We will,> responded Servasius. With another flash of light, Servasius, Cloud, Link, and Marcus were teleported outside the Temple of Inverted Time.
"So, my plan failed to take control of that creature..." The man with scales for skin, red eyes, whiplike tail, and a black hooded robe sat on of a chair in a circular room with a skull-shape in the center. "Hmm, we also failed in actually finding Akatosh, then corrupting instead something we have no knowledge of." He then looked in the direction of someone with orange fur and yellow eyes, plus the same black robe as the Argonian. "Axel..."
"Yes, Master Zarel?", a Khajiit replied.
"I want you to keep a close eye on those four meddlers; I've already found out their names: Link, Cloud, Marcus O'Donnell, and Servasius Lanésdren... Don't let them out of your sight, and you are to report to Grandmaster Rax when and if they arrive at the location of the next orb. Do not let them see you if our little minions are nearby, or you run the risk of them finding out about our plans for collecting souls, we don't want them possibly learning about our desire to corrupt souls and most ultimately our target, Akatosh. Marcus O'Donnell can apparently read other's thoughts and memories, so be extremely catious."
"... Don't worry, I've got it all memorized, and I won't be spotted so easily. With my Ghostwalk spell, they won't even see me coming."
Well, it was too early in our quest to be sure if we really were doing the right thing, even though Servasius said he heard from supposedly one of the Nine Divines. Akatosh? The Nine Divines? Hell, they were all just Greek to me. We had no idea what we would be going up against, especially after Dialga mentioned he was targeted by someone who thought he was Akatosh. I’m grateful to Dialga that he brought me back to life, even if it was by some divine accident, but I knew I had more important matters to think about than that; one of them was training Servasius in the way of aura. I just knew that if he wasn't disciplined in the way of aura soon, it could lead to the downfall of the group. Link seemed to be alright with teaching sword techniques to Servasius when I asked him about it, so the last thing we needed to do was to make sure Servasius wanted to go through with the training regime. We figured the right time to ask would be after we found a suitable place to set camp for the night, which wasn't too far from our location. We hiked Northest for six and a half hours with little to no trouble; along the way, we dispatched a few bandits thinking they had a chance at grabbing a few goodies off of us, no such luck for them!As we set up camp in a lush, grass covered valley, Cloud sat down on a rock, apparently thinking, and I wondered what was on his mind.
<... Cloud, is something the matter?>
<.... ... Yeah, I had a strange vision while we walked here, and I mean strange....>
<Well, what was it like?>
<... I was a human with spiky blon' hair, jus' like my pal Servasius. The thang is, I fough' against some guy who seems to meet the discription Dialga gave us about his assailant. I tol' him he shall fall to the swor' I had in my hands. This guy had long spiky 'air on his 'ead and wielded a black claymore he called Shadowrend....>
<... Interesting... ... Hey, I think you're hiding somthing from me, something you've been hiding from Servasius as well, and I'd like you to tell me what it is.>
Cloud got up, started heading for his and Servasius' tent, then replied, <Even if I tol' you now, you'd be in disbelief. Fo' now, it's betta if I keep it a secret.>
Marcus followed him closely behind, then pressed on with another question. <If it really is that much of secret that you have to hide it, why not confide it in your friends who will keep that secret hidden from others? That's not cool if->
<Look,> Cloud interrupted as his facial expression changed form one of that of gloom to total anger, <the time 'ill come when I can tell you and the others, so jus' leave me alone about it!!!>
That small talk I had with Cloud apparently pissed him off, and I wasn't about to tick him off any further. Instead, Link and I took the time to ask Servasius if he was interested in gaiing skills that would surely help him.
<Of course, Marcus, you know I want to be able to defend myself better! From what I read about you, you not only know how throw an Aura Sphere, you've made illusional copies of yourself!>
<That I may have done, but we need to focus on your training. Link and I have agreed to teach you skills necessary to the team's survival, moves that I believe need passing down. We are giving you the decision who you wish to train with first, so go ahead and pick one of us.>
It didn't take long for Servasius to decide, and with great entusiasm he said, <I want to train with you first, Marcus!>
"... Guess it's settled," Link stated. "Marcus, you'll teach him the way of aura, then I will teach him sword techniques when you're finished, ones that will prove to come in handy. And by the way, Servasius, the road ahead isn't an easy one, I'll have you know."
Marcus then summoned to Servasius and led him slightly away from the campsite. <... Are you sure you are prepared, Servasius?>
<When have I have never been ready?> Servasius asked back.
<Then stand over here and face that rock over there>. Marcus pointed to the same rock Cloud was sitting on minuites earlier; and Servasius did so without question. <Good, now what I want you do do is to take a few deep breaths, in, now out. Keep doing this a few times, and as you do this, try to focus your aura into a ball between your hands. When that happens, I want you to throw that ball forward as hard you can!> Servasius had trouble doing this; the first time, nothing, the second time he almost had it, but on the third try, he manged to pull it off in one fluid motion. <Bravo! You're a fast learner, Servasius! But we're not through yet! Since you wield a blade, it will be difficult to use both of your hands with one of them occupied, so here's how you solve that problem. I need you to summon your keyblade.> Servasius then again did as he was told. <Alright, while your right hand is occupied by your sword, you won't be able to make an Aura Sphere with it; what you need to do is instead focus your aura into just your left hand. Though not as strong as a full fledged Aura Sphere attack, it is still strong enough to dish out some damage.>
Servasius focused his energy into his left hand, and as he shot the Aura Sphere away, it turned into a yellow fireball with purple sparks dropping behind it while it burned through the air. <How in the heck did I do that?! Marcus, do you even have knowledge of things such as what just happened?>
<No, unfortunately I don't, but I believe it must be a special quality about you, something deep inside of you that turned your Aura Sphere into an aura, fire, and shadow-based attack. It could be the blood of Giratina flowing in your veins… Our session’s over for now, Link is waiting to teach you some of his specialties; I’d suggest you go and see him immedia-.>
A voice then interrupted, "Well, well, well, what have we here? None other than two canines I've never seen before." As the seemingly gentle male voice spoke, a silver Wolfen with silvery-white, slightly long hair on his head, Navy Admiral attire minus the hat, plus a knucklebow saber and master flintlock revolver at his side, approached the two Lucarians. "But I am well informed of your kind... I am Admiral Zélos, but you can just call me Leon."
September 17th, 2010 (12:08 PM).
I hope you don't mind me being blunt here, but part of the reason why there might not be a lot of responses yet is because, to be frank, your writing is difficult to read right now due to wall-o-text-ness. See, because browsers don't normally support indentations in paragraphs the way printed text does (unless you happen to know the code to do so -- which isn't the indent BB code, just in case people get confused about that), everything ends up right up against the margin. As a result, there's no separation between one paragraph and another if you don't hit the enter key twice between each one. As in, you end up with just one line after another of text.
Now, this is bad because, well, it's hard on a reader. Reading text on a screen for long periods of time is usually harder on the eyes than reading print; most people just don't realize it until they're faced with long periods without breaks between paragraphs. Not breaking up your paragraphs with spaces between them unfortunately forces a reader to keep reading because they're more likely to lose their place. That is, of course, if their eyes don't begin to wander beforehand, which would mean they'd lose their place anyway. (I know that on occasion, I end up skipping lines or starting lines all over again when I think I'm going into the next one with fics formatted like this.)
In other words, the easier it is for a reader to go through your fic, the more they can focus on content and the more they'll come back to check your fic out. The easiest format for text online just happens to be separating paragraphs by hitting the enter key twice.
Editing in blank lines is pretty much completely up to you, of course, but I'll have to say I'll be happy to come back and look this fic over a bit closer once (and only if, if you don't mind me saying that) it's reformatted.
September 18th, 2010 (07:37 AM). Edited October 8th, 2010 by Zylasn.
Yes, good idea, I'll see if I can't find the time to fix that little issue with paragraphs with what time I have on my hands (as in, having to come to the library with only an hour given to me at the current moment, not having a notebook or internet at home). Doesn't mean I won't fix the problem, I may just not have time to fix the issues at hand with the posting of the fic. Nonetheless, I appreciate the criticism, and no, you weren't being blunt, you were being quite helpful, honestly, and I appreciate it that you took the time to look at it.
September 28th, 2010 (08:09 AM).
Wow... I finished reading this, and I must admit, You are already one of my favorite authors. your strategy of combining Kingdom Hearts with Pokemon is something I know I could never do. I'll admit, your story is evenly placed, and I love the characters, but I think it needs a little more spice, and I also believe Sevasius (??) should have a little harder time grasping things. I'm still reading on, though. :D
Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.
C. S. Lewis
♥ Dedicated to Justin, a guy I want to know much better ♥
☼You make me smile like the sun, fall outta bed
Sing like a bird, Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile☼
Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.
C. S. Lewis
September 28th, 2010 (11:56 AM). Edited October 8th, 2010 by Zylasn.
Thanks, Krystallyn, it just takes imagination to come up with great ideas. Maybe, just maybe, Servasius will run into something he just can't understand all too well eventually. I'm still writing Chapter 2, if you're curious, but it shall be released soon enough, once it's finished. Hmm, if it needs a little spicing up, feel free to send me a P.M. to my profile or post a visitor message on my wall about how you think things could get hot and going in The Blades of Aura.
September 29th, 2010 (10:34 AM).
Don't be shocked if you find a 1-star rating for your story. I think some troublemaker is doing this to every story for fun.
October 18th, 2010 (11:13 AM).
I do apologize if anyone is waiting for Chapter 2 to be released, it's taking longer than I expected to get done. In the meantime, I have a musical score available for download pertaining to The Blades Of Aura, Nightlife In Thalésenbrook, part of The Blades Of Aura Music Album.
Nightlife In Thalésenbrook.mp3
January 6th, 2011 (10:17 AM). Edited January 11th, 2011 by Zylasn.
Finally, Chapter 2 is ready to rip and roar! Thanks for waiting patiently, everyone, well, everyone who did wait, aheh heh. I have the themes of different characters available for download, and they are remixes from Chrono Trigger, minus Servasius & Cloud's. Spoiler: I plan on using Chrono Trigger elements in this fiction as well.
A guest appears in this fiction, Zeke Derrett, property of Autistic Lucario, thanks for letting me borrow him, and do keep up writing that great fiction, Lucario and The Ten Ordeals!
Theme Of Servasius & Cloud: http://dc302.4shared.com/download/zAPXoMKC/Theme_Of_Servasius__Cloud.mp3?tsid=20110111-192530-cd2c4c0c
Theme Of Zeke: http://dc202.4shared.com/download/ux1XBI5F/Theme_Of_Zeke.mp3?tsid=20110106-131604-9bd84f97
Theme Of Zanven: http://dc202.4shared.com/download/7B0CmseC/Theme_Of_Zanven.mp3?tsid=20110106-131610-ff43da08
Theme Of Lupin Zulogio: http://dc202.4shared.com/download/muDXBy5_/Theme_Of_Lupin_Zulogio.mp3?tsid=20110106-131607-e4dc92c5
And now, on to the fiction!
Formalities and Information
As Leon Zélos introduced himself, the shape of another Wolfen with black slacks and shirt stepped beside him, and stated, "Ah, finally, Marcus, good to see you again at last, Raegar Von Daus at your service, like always."
Not giving Marcus and Servasius the time to say anything, Leon spoke up and said, "Listen, you guys have been followed for miles by a Khajjit, and I wasn't about to let him follow you any further without you guys being knowledgeable about the situation at hand... And neither was Raegar going to allow it... Don't worry about him now, for all he cares you could be headed for Garrison, a good one hour walk from Thalésenbrook after what I told him."
"... Umm, thanks, I guess," was all Servasius could think of uttering.
"So, Raegar, how did you end up in Célarustarn to begin with, my old friend?" Marcus asked.
"...Well..." As Raegar thought up how to give an explanation, he made several "paw" gestures, and even as he made gestures, he couldn't seem to come up with a simple explanation, and so, he shrugged.
"You just don't know, huh? Hey, it's alright, it's barely explanable myself how Servasius' artifact, a keyblade, could even drag three people into the world of Célarustarn. The only reasonable explanation I can think of here... Magic, the arcane arts."
"Speaking of arcane magics, Marcus," Leon interjected, "If you, Servasius, Servasius' little friend I haven't been introduced to, and that green tunic guy over there, will come with us, I have something to show you along the way to Thalésenbrook, you'll find it interesting, I'm sure of it."
And just as quickly as we set up camp, we quickly packed things back up to follow Leon and Raegar to their, interesting spot, enroute to Thalésenbrook. Sure enough, ontop of the Tarune Mountain Range, what we saw was definitely interesting.
Leon came to a halt right infront of a strange looking, round mirror-like structure made entirely of a chrome blue colored, polished, stone material on its edges. "This, my friends, is what I hear to be a portal to the astral realm, but what lies in it, is not entirely known. It's said it can only be opened when a pure heart of The Prophecy presents one of three orbs mentioned... Servasius, by the looks of things, you match the Prophecy, almost word for word. The Prophecy foretold of your appearance here to Célarustarn, and almost exactly what you'd look like..."
And with a questioning look on his face, Servasius said, "What?.. Ugh, are you saying you've been looking for me just so you could open this door just to get whatever could be inside?!"
With a stern, commanding, and yet still gentle and calm voice, Leon replied, "That's not what I was trying to get at. If I was still a true Admiral, and you were in my ranks, you would have been considered speaking out of turn. Thankfully, you're not, otherwise you would have been scrubbing the floors for your misconduct... So cool your assumptions and your hot head, they could get you in trouble one day... As I was saying... Behind this gateway could very well be the astral realm, which connects to almost every other realm in existance. Technically, it's the realm between realms where time slows and space is always changing and breaking even the laws of physics... You could very well say the Renegade Pokémon, Giratina, of your world, has a similar world... The Distortion Realm, or Torn World, as some know it as... Now you seemed puzzled yet again how I know this... Let's just say, I've done my research... Now, Servasius, if you'll do the honors of opening this gateway."
With slight hesitation, Servasius held out the Orb of Inverted Time infront of the door, in which exact moment both the orb and gateway resonated with each other and a portal opened. Then Leon looked at everyone and said, "This is exactly what I thought should have happened... Servasius, I would like it if you and I entered alone together, and the rest of the group stays behind... I promise no harm will come to you..."
That remark left Servasius and the rest of the group, excluding Raegar, with suspicions in their minds that this Leon figure could be up to no good. Nonetheless, Servasius followed Leon through the portal, prepared to counterattack Leon if he had any plans of foul play up his sleeves. As they made it onto the other side, they entered into what really was the astral plane of existance, and it was exactly as Leon described it. Time seemed to slow down; rocks, water, and other objects floated about the place; some fog even covered the foothold the two were standing upon, but it was thin enough for them to still see the differences between solid ground and space beneath them; directly ahead of them was an ancient, stone stairway, heading upwards. Leon gestured Servasius to follow him further in the astral realm and up the flight of stairs, and when they got to the top of the staircase, a similar but smaller set of upward stairs to the one they traversed lay opposite of them, and to the left and right of that very stairway, there were two more staircases that seemed to head infinitely down in a spiral.
"... If you look up at the staircase ahead of us," Leon pointed to the very top of it, "you should see another doorway. That doorway supposedly leads to The Hall Of Origins, Arceus' plane of existance, but it's said you need three orbs to enter his domain... In Célarustarn, the orbs are of Inverted Time, Inverted Space, and Inverted Sky. But if one desires to collect orbs from Sinnoh instead, the orbs required to access The Hall of Origins are the Adamant, Lustrous, and Griseous Orbs." Servasius started to truly wonder who or what Leon really was. He thought that this Leon could have more to him than what meets the eyes. Leon, sensing Servasius' thought processes, spoke up after a few moments of silence. "If it bugs you that badly I'm giving you this information without as a clue as to who or what really I am, then let me fill you in on those details." Leon, ready to reveal himself with little as a second thought, closed his eyes and put his hands together, and as he did so, his form changed shape into one similar to that of Marcus' appearance, only taller and with a magical stave. "... I apologize if I decieved you slightly, Servasius, Leon Zélos is just a guise of mine that allows me to travel around Célarustarn and other planes of existance where Lucarians aren't the norm... In reality, I am Zeke Derrett."
Chapter 2 Act2
A Friendship Fulfilled
Servasius, utterly surprised at the revealing, said, <Zeke, Derrett?! The Zeke Derrett?!>
"Yes," Zeke replied, "that’s me." Instead of using telepathy, Zeke talked from his mouth, something Servasius seemed to have noticed before. "... But, how did you know about me?.. You aren't... An assasin, are you?"
<NO!> Servasius quickly replied.
"... True, you don't have the clothes nor weapons for the role... Right, I remember you now, not just because the prophecy that Célarustarn has on it's 'Heroes'... I believe I saw you walking around the halls of Eterna City High from time to time during class transitions."
<And I only heard about you when the Lass Trainers gossipped on you in the cafeteria. Don't recall exactly what they were talking about, but I do recall that I overheard the cutest Lass of their little circle blabbing on your entrance into the 11th grade. As they were doing so, I happened to see you getting into a seat a few tables away.>
"... I see."
<... We never got around to being friends, you know,. I decided weeks later that I wanted to hang out with you, you know, all the times we didn't even approach each other and say hello. So I waited for you on the path I knew you usually took to go home, that way I could stop you along the way and ask you to come and hang out at a sushi or burger joint. You never showed up at the expected place, though, must have took a different route, I assumed... But then I noticed you weren't taking your usual stroll into the forest for a week. Then I started to wonder, 'Did something happen to him, is he ok?' So, what really happened when you disappeared six years ago?>
"... I wandered into a portal and found this mine, seemed abandoned at first, met a girl named Alice Erralyn and her Uncle Alan there..." His story spanned a good 45 mins. The two became aware that they had been there for a while after Zeke finished storytelling. "We've sat here too long already."
Zeke started heading back towards the doorway he and Servasius entered from. As Servasius followed behind, he questioned at Zeke, <Can... can we call this, a start to our friendship?>
Zeke stopped were he was walking, but hesitated for a brief moment, before, "Yes, I suppose..." As he paused midsentence and turned to face Servasius, a scroll appeared in his paws. "I suppose we can be friends... Here, you may be able use this scroll to learn something valuable to assist in your journey, wherever it may lead." Without any second thoughts, Servasius accepted the rolled up paper. "You may enjoy learning that one, really, the Hypervelocity Bolt. You have to perform a movement correctly to use it while focusing your energy into the spell. Useful for counterattacks and distracting the enemy... I'd suggest if you want to fight an enemy, don't always go rushing in with guns blazing and heads being bashed. Sometimes, using traps and such can end a fight before it even begins. You should keep that in mind... Now, if you'll excuse me, someone is waiting for me in another realm. I'm not going to be coming back with you and your friends to Thalésenbrook. However, I want you to look for Lupin, he may prove a worthy comrade. I hear he moves from place to place every week, never staying in the same spot for more than that. If you hurry, you may be able to meet him before he heads to Garrison tommorow evening."
Chapter 2 Act 3
From The Future
Servasius came back from the Astral Realm after at least an hour, and Cloud wasn't seemingly very happy about the wait. Nonetheless, Cloud did not seem to have the same attitude as earlier. Maybe it was because he felt he was wrong about the way he acted then, as he apologized to me as we sat outside of the portal. It was clear to me when Servasius started heading off for Thalésenbrook with a sense of even more excitement about him, that he must have learned about someone or something in Thalésenbrook he just had to see. My gumption was right on the mark when he said things like, Lupin, Thalésenbrook, before tommorow evening, hurry. Aftter the descent from the mountain range, we were at Thalésenbrook's West Gate, which sat beside a lakebed in the middle.
"Here she is, Thalésenbrook, right on the bank of Liar's Lake," Raegar announced. "Liar's Lake got its name from the bandit group that used to settle across from here with their loot after a good day’s worth of robbing passerby in the Tarune Mountain Range, bribing witnesses with threats of death and gold to keep their mouthes shut. They called themselves The Lying Bandits, a ridiculous and not well thought out name for a group if you ask me. Once the town guards of Thalésenbrook stepped in on the scene, they skeedadled pretty fast, but not without giving a few shots. Most of them were arrested, the rest died in vain."
Shortly after Raegar's explaination on Liar's Lake was given, a town gaurd in a white uniform that had a red eagle with a crown on its head, emblazoned on the right side of his chest, walked towards them. "Ah, visitors have we to Thalésenbrook? Any of you be wanted criminals?" As he asked his question, he brought out a strange, boxlike, glass device with a blue gem sitting inside. He held it out in front of him, waving it left and right, and with a look of satisfaction on his face, said, "You folks check out ok, head inside and enjoy your stay. But don't cause any ruckus, I'm warning you, strange group of creatures you are."
When the group was entering the West Gate, Servasius looked at Raegar and inquired, <What was that weird object the guy had, Raegar?>
"That would be the Myraestae Box, a device named such because it detects for its current owner what it is set to detect. As the old tongue would put it, it will 'myraestae' for its user."
<You mean like the Item Finder?>
"... Eh, whatever an Item Finder is. Continuing on, the Myraestae Box can detect only so many things, as it is not a perfect detection device. It can detect, as you saw demonstrated by the town guard, if someone is a criminal. It can even detect some nearby objects. My guess is this Item Finder you talk about does the same thing?"
<Yes, actually. Still, I'm not sure as to why that town guard has such a device. Do all the town guards here have one?>
"Yes and no. The only time they have one is when they're on duty. When they are off duty, having their own, sweet, personal time, they leave them behind in the barracks. In other terms, they share Myraestae Boxes."
<Hmmm, I guess I understand.>
A man that looked like he was in his 30's, with horn-rimmed glasses, fancy midnight blue and gold outfit, an attractively well-trimmed beard, and slightly unkempt hair, sat in the very far corner stool of the counter, polishing and brandishing his fine collection of expensive looking swords and guns. Without even as little as a glance at the Dragonborne that came near him, he asked "Need something?"
With a smirk on his face, the Dragonborne said, "For me to have my honor fulfilled... By taking you on."
Seemingly unafraid, still polishing his weapons and still not taking a look towards the Dragonborne, the man replied, "... Beat it, punk, I don't have the time to mess with the likes of you."
The Dragonborne, now without his smirk and unsatisfied with the response, knew he was stepping out of his league if he desired to take even an attempt to strike at his target in the middle of a bar with enough witnesses around and with his target being sober. The Dragonborne, for those reasons he analyzed, left the vicinity.
"They just can't stand up to you, can they, eh, Lupin?" The female bartender asked as she slid a mug down to another customer.
The man who the bartender was talking to, Lupin, finally stopped polishing his weapons and equipped the turret rifle plus a steel cleaver he had. He then put the rest of his assortment of weapons into a hardened, metal case he carried around on his back. I'll be leaving sooner than I planned, Lupin thought, tonight instead. I forgot about the special weapons auction going on in Garrison, starting at noon. Lupin got up from his seat with all of his gear, left a few gold coins on the counter, and headed for the upstairs guest rooms. As he entered his room, he set his case down on a nightstand furthest away from the door next to a bed, and reopened the case to another compartment, then smiled. I have all the gold and silver Sphéron I need to win that auction's most valuable item to me... The Firasté .45 Caliber Dragoon. They'll all be stunned when I, Lupin Zulogio, place the highest, unthinkinable bet at the last second. I'm one lucky son of a gun, I'll have them all know, heh heh heh.
As the group moved further in the city of Thalésenbrook, Marcus suddenly stopped near a signpost for some unknown reason. <...Careful, guys, I feel a disturbance in the air.> Sure enough, a mysterious, twisting blue portal opened right before them, and out of it came a machine that appeared to have a pilot inside.
<What the hell is that thing?!> Servasius shouted <Hey, you there, inside that thing, what are you up to?! Better not be anything I have to kick your ass about, we just saved freaking Dialga!>
The pilot in question, opened the cockpit of the machine, jumped out, and announced, "I don't have any intents of harming you guys, my main objective here... I don't think you'd understand..."
<And how could we not?! You're with whoever corrupted Dialga, aren't you?!>
"Servasius, that's enough," Raegar said in defense of the unknown man. "We don't know if he really is in league with Dialga's assailants, but he hasn't attacked us, so give him a chance to talk."
"Thank you. My name is Lieutinant Zanven. I'm from the year 2300 A.D.; My personal mission is to stop your future from happening... No, not your good future, I want that preserved for everyone. My own time is in ruins, and all I've ever known since then is fending for my own self, wondering how I can patch the past."
<You never answered what I asked ealier, by the way,> said Servasius. <Zanven, what the heck is that thing you were riding in?>
"That, is a Railech Gear, a fine piece of machinery if you ask me. This model is the TC8B-Lightning Fist, a bipedal mech equipped with vulcan machine guns and heat-seeking missiles. It has heavy defenses, and takes alot of firepower to pummel through its hull."
<... You've traveled through time, correct? Have you seen my father, Zanven? He looks like this.> Servasius took out his dad's photo from a bag he had been carrying with him since he arrived in Célarustarn, and showed it to Zanven.
"... No, I'm afraid not. But in my travels, should I find him, I'll come looking for you."
Just as Zanven was about to reenter the Railech Gear, Cloud spoke up, saying, < 'ey you, we can certainly work togetha. We really 'ave nothing better to do than to find some stupid orbs for Arceus, if yo willin' to help.>
Zanven stopped for a second, and then, with a smirk on his face, turned back to face Cloud stated, "I'd be glad to, I believe our goals possibly interwine with each other's."
Chapter 2 Act 4
The Noble Weapons Collector: Lupin Zulogio
Meeting Zanven was a good thing to happen for us, I do believe, but you'll find out soon enough why I think so still to this very day. Even Link couldn't deny the fact Zanven could prove to be a powerful ally, and that our next ally, Lupin Zulogio, just very well might do the same. If we could catch him intime.
We kept looking for him for hours, and decided since we couldn't find him, we'd check into an inn for the night, which so happened to be the right place to find him. We didn't know that until later that evening. And it was the same inn we met Zanven infront of. Coincidence? Maybe, it could have been. But as some people would like to say, it was fated to come to pass, like our journey.
"What size room do you think we should get, guys?" Zanven asked"
<A large room I think would be the best.> Servasius then walked up to the attendant and said, <One room please, large size.>
The attendant at the counter replied, "That will be 750 Sphéron for a night."
<750?! That much?! You have to be kidding me!>
"Don't worry, I've got this covered," Zanven spoke, "you never know when you need the cash, so I left with plenty." He next paid the attendant in full.
"Very well, your room is up the stairs from the bar, second to the left. Oh, and before you go up there, could you hit on that lady over there for me? Tell her I can't wait 'til she gets off work?"
<Well, couldn't you ask her yourself?> Servasius asked. <Embarrasment issue?>
"No, it's my wife, thank you very much."
<Oh-oh, well, I'm sorry.> Servasius now seemed to blush a little in the face.
"Heh heh, never seen a Lucario like you before get embarrased in such a way," Zanven stated.
<Will you hush about it?> Servasius replied, then chuckled.
The party then headed for the bar area, then Marcus and Zanven sat down at the counter of the bar. As Cloud and Servasius walked around the bar, Servasius looked at Cloud said, <Hey, Cloud, buddy. I think we should check out the room, see what they got compared to our world. You cool with that?>
<Yeah, I'm down with dat.> They then walked up the steps, located their room, then entered. <Slammin'! Dis place looks great!>
<Hmm, if the room's are this great, then maybe we should check out what else is here while we have time!>
The moment they left the room, someone came out of the door across from them, and Servasius collided together with the man.
"Oof... "I do sincerely apologize. Are you guys alright?" asked the stranger.
<Ahh, yeah, we're fine, heh heh.>
<Whoa! What's wit' da get-up?> Cloud barked.
<Cloud... It's fine, really,> Servasius said. <Umm, you've been here for a while, seems, do you know a Lupin Zulogio?>
"Lupin Zulogio? Why, that would be me."
<No freakin' way!> Cloud remarked, <DAH Lupin Zulogio?!>
<Weapons collector? Has a variety of them?> Servasius inquired at Lupin.
"You got it. I have quite a collection of weapons. Would you guys care to see what kinds of weapons I own?"
<Yes! Dis would do nicely!> Cloud replied.
"He's a legend from were I'm from." Zanven was chatting with Marcus at the counter of the bar.
"Yes, him, I met him before. It's a long story. Next time I see him, I'll see if we can enlist him to our causes."
January 6th, 2011 (11:52 AM).
Okay, so I can review this if you'd like, but it's going to be really, really blunt, and possibly even a bit cruel (although my policy is honesty, which means giving credit where credit is due). So, if you've got particularly thick skin, let me know and I'll put a review together for you.
February 22nd, 2011 (12:45 PM). Edited February 22nd, 2011 by Zylasn.
This is the final chapter of part 1, and I hope that you readers enjoy what I've written for the last few weeks/months. Part 2 of The Célarustarn Chronicles is underway, and now that I've posted this Chapter, I shall allow reviews. Chamomile13, even if it is harsh, it's your review, so please feel free to post it now. Anyone can review what they think of it, and what they wish to see in the upcoming Part 2, Light In The Shadows.
Now we look to the past, a time Marcus was not able to tell us about. The past he and the rest of The Blades of Aura did not know of. That past, or person, is Remiel Vincent Zélos V.
The year is 51 B.C. in Célarustarn. Remiel V. Zélos IV, a half-dragon resident of Garrison, had been married to Roshan Elizabeth Zélos, who was also a half-dragon. Roshan bore a son, whom they named Remiel Zélos V, as it was the custom that Remiel Zélos I started for each son in the Remiel lineage. Remiel Zélos V grew up in his home, loved by the very parents who brought him into Célarustarn. He was homeschooled and disciplined, and his studies typically involved magic, math, alchemy, and literature. When Remiel became of age, his training started to include combat in weapons and bringing out his inner draconic self, of which he excelled at.
It wasn't all just studying for Remiel. No, that it wasn't. For him, it was a hobby. Remiel loved the days when he and his father would travel into the plains outside the city, learning about all the different varieties of plants and materials, and about their alchemic effects. They'd bring some of the materials home, then his father would instruct him on what to make. That's when Remiel would get excited, but nonetheless he would still keep focused on the task at hand.
One day, a sickness befell Remiel's mother, a disease in which he and his father had no idea how to cure. They looked through every alchemy book they could find that would describe the symptoms Roshan had, but nothing was in their library that told of the evil aura that eminated from the sickness. Remiel V and his father, stricken with grief and despair, watched as the beautiful Roshan died before them. Remiel IV felt that he could not watch after his son after what he let happen, and so sent him off to nearby Thalésenbrook. It was there Remiel V lived for many years later.
The time is now 1000 A.D., the very year in which The Blades of Aura make their first appearance in Célarustarn. Remiel is a half-dragon with quite a history; he even had the money and the mansion to speak for him. The air around him, even his clothes, spoke of the richness around him; his red coat with gold trims, the white dress gloves; the black slacks that also had gold trims, his well-polished boots; the red bandana on his purple-blue haired head. Remiel had magnificent crimson eyes and the face to match them.
"... Bartz. My gun, if you please."
"Certainly, Remiel," said the butler named Bartz, "I shall fetch it from storage."
The butler left for the weapon and was back as quick as he could on his feet, then handed a revolver to Remiel in exchange for the bag of sphéron Remiel was holding. "Thank you, Bartz."
"It's an honor sir, to always serve you."
"Likewise, it's an honor to have you around."
Remiel then walked as to leave the mansion, and as he was right at the entrance hall, two more butlers polished his shoes. Remiel then paid the two like he did with Bartz. They next also opened the front doors for him to leave by. Remiel then entered the Auto Carriage outside to his place of work. "I cannot be late as usual, Larz... Step on it, and I'll pay you double today, how's that sound?"
"Cool, extra wages, I'll get you there before there can be any trouble!" said the driver called Larz, who put the pedal straight to the metal.
Damn, Remiel thought, if I can get these magic powered Auto Carriages popularized, soon enough people are going to want them... Sure doesn't beat flying to Garrison though, that's for sure.
"Hey, look, it's an Auto Carriage," Zanven stated as he looked out the window. "Wonder where it's going at this time of night."
"Hmm? An Auto Carriage?" questioned Raegar.
"Never heard of one myself," said Lupin, "but I bet it's one of Firasté's secret inventions! Heh heh, well, shall we get moving? I can't wait 'til we make it to Garrison! By the way, you hadn't come sooner and found me, Servasius, you might not have got a chance to see my weapon collection; hell, you might not have gotten to see and recruit me to your cause at all!"
<Heh heh,> chuckled Servasius.
An Unecessary Delay
An Auto Carriage was something I never heard of, and I was just as confused as Raegar on the matter. Lupin talked about it nonstop as we traveled towards Thalésenbrook's North Gate. He even went on about the theories about how the thing could possibly work as we exited the gate into what Raegar said was The Darhn Forest. Obssesed man, that Lupin, talking about his weapons as well. He just wouldn't shut up... Not like it bugged me. Nope, I stayed rather aware of the situation, and could sense he was as well.
<Well, good gawd!> Servasius exclaimed. <The Darhn Forest reminds me of Eterna Forest! It's a freaking maze in here!>
<Calm yo self, bud, leave da gettin' all worn out ta me like usual, ya yellow
thang,> Cloud jested.
Marcus suddenly came to halt, and gestured behind him to the group. <Wait... Something isn't right here. Raegar informed us that the path to Garrison goes in a straight line that both cities agreed made the walk to either one easier. We've been all around here, zigzag-ing in this Darhn Forest.>
"... Mwheheheheheh. So you've caught on to my little trap, twats," came a voice of a Khajiit. "Too bad someone's tip didn't keep me from finding you forever."
<Heh heh, so you're the one tracking us down, eh?> Servasius said.
"I should have kept my guard up," Link said, "for bastards like you."
"Ah, let's not be that way. Why not we negotiate?"
"I'm not buying that one, you. You've got the looks of someone familiar. Who are you?"
"Mweheheh, do you think I'd tell you that easily? The only way I'll tell you is if you hand me something in return."
<I don't trust you, just like Link doesn't,> Marcus replied, <and neither am I going to.>
"Ah, but you see?" the Khajiit said as he walked closer, "You have no choice in this very mome-AHHH!" the Khajjit screamed as his left leg was pulled from under him and upside down he went, hanging from a tree.
<Heh heh, serves ya right!!> Servasius and Cloud shouted together.
<Smart thinkin', yo, settin' up dat trap!> Cloud said to his buddy.
<Hah hah hah hah, a smart guy knows on an excursion to set traps up early! Thanks Zeke for that! Looks like we'll be doing the interrogating now, and you'll be filling us on info, twatsicle.>
"... What makes you think I'll talk a lot, even at this disadvantage? I'm not telling you much, that's for sure! You're messing with the Axel of the Dark Hand! That's right, I'm part of an organization dedicated to corrupting your flesh! And you can't stop Master's plans, he'll rule the world with Arceus at his fingertips! Mweheheheh, maybe I've already said too much. I don't give a crap who you guys are, because once you started meddling in our affairs with Dialga, our little experiment that turned out to be the wrong target, you became our new targets. Especially because you have something we need!"
"So much for not talking much, you're worse than Lupin," Raegar stated.
"... Shut it, you!" Axel, pissed off, was shaking from the tree and punching at Raegar in the air.
"Should we just leave him here?" Link asked, "I rather kill him here on now, would leave one less pest for us, now we know who we're dealing with."
<Let's let Lupin take a shot, shall we?> Marcus said in a joking tone, <Mr-Braggert hasn't had a nice kill in ages, he claims.>
"Eheheheh, thank ya, looks like this stranger's gonna have a nice warm welcome in Hell." Lupin chuckled at Marcus' comment, then took out a weapon Servasius was surprised to see in Lupin's inventory earlier: A double-barrel shotgun with a fancy, platinum dragonwing design for a handle. "The Firasté Double Wyern!" Lupin exclaimed. "One shot is enough to kill three!" He then aimed the weapon at Axel's head. "So... Welcome to Hell!" As Lupin pulled the trigger, two bullets like fireballs twirled around each other toward their target. A small explosion occurred on impact, and Axel was deemed dead on the spot. "Heh heh, yeah, what they said before! Serve's you right, mo fo!"
"You hath killed the Khajiit before thine own bow could finish him." came another voice... This time, the voice wasn't filled with malicious intent, but that of a soothing female's.
"Thou should hast let him paid for his sins with thy own arrows." A tall female elf with roseblond hair kept in a braided-twist, hazel-amber eyes, and skin as beautiful as an angel's, walked out from the brush. "Thou is not frowned upon for thou's own actions, as thou hast collected the sinner's dues. Thou hast thine thanks instead."
Everyone in the group felt stunned by the Elf's appearance, and all were in awe as she came closer.
<Y-y-y-you're,> Servasius stuttered, <you're an Elf...>
"Thou is justly correct. Thy name is Eiloni Isola... Who art thou?"
<Me? I'm Servasius Lanésdren.>
<Marcus O'Donnell, ready to serve.>
"Raeger Von Daus... It's, quite something to know the Elves are still around, Eiloni."
<He's a Hylian, and a very quiet one at dat... Heh, I'm Cloud.>
"Lupin Zulogio here... I've always wanted to meet the Elves. Fascinating race."
"... Thou must move on," Eiloni said, "be like thee and go forth to different lands."
<... Eiloni, would you be willing to come with us?> Servasius asked. <We could use all the help we can get, Organization Dark Hand must be stopped at all costs. If they get their hands on Arceus, the whole world could be in trouble!>
"Servasius is right," Zanven interjected, "They destroyed my time, they must be the ones who ruined the world as I knew it! If you can help us Eiloni, please join us so that we may be rid of this evil together!"
Eiloni, without a change in her emotions, waited a few seconds before replying. "Then thou hast thy bow, for thou sinners hast a debt to repay to thy gods."
Into The Unown
I dare say, it was quite interesting to meet a Murkwood Elf, and a beautiful one like Eiloni Isola.
We continued onwards through the Darhn Forest, now undisturbed by illusions. The owls sitting in the trees as we passed by them seemed to be watching us with curiousity, and hooted as they flew off the branches. Servasius said they reminded him of the Noctowl from Johto, always being most active at night and hunting for prey. He then went on to tell a story about his trip in the Ruins of Alph.
<Well,> Servasius said, <rumors always circulated around about the Ruins of Alph, and I had to go see for myself the mysteries surrounding them. I boarded up on the S.S. Anne and headed for Kanto so that I could continue on the Magnet Train to Johto. From Goldenrod City, I had to walk on foot the rest of the way to the Ruins of Alph. The Noctowl at the time I traveled to the site always seemed to eye me and Cloud, and then fly off. Of course, me and Cloud got a few laughs at his comments back at them. About an hour into our hike, we finally arrived at the world famous ruins; I then delved deep into the chambers of the Ruins of Alph, surrounded by walls covered in Unown letters. 'The rumors were true!' I said. 'Dang skippy!' was what Cloud could muster.>
<Ow'd ya rememba dat I said dat?> Cloud asked.
<Hey, well, I just do... As I was saying, it turned out what we heard about the Ruins of Alph was no joke, no figment of anyone's imagination. We delved further into the chambers, only to run into a door that said in Unown runes, LEAF. Cloud and I were puzzled as we pondered on what it could mean. What could be behind this door that it has to have a puzzle to gain entry through? What do they want us to do, throw a leaf at the door, and expect it to open? We almost got frustrated as we paced, thinking about what to do, and as we about gave up, Cloud just so happened to rub one of the leaves on his arms against the wall, and the door rumbled; both of us were amazed as it slid open, revealing a passageway.>
A young Servasius seemingly in his preteen years, along with his friend Cloud, were startled as the strange door opened in their midst.
"Whoa, hey, Cloud, did you do that?!"
<What? Open dat door? Heh heh, I guess so!>
"... Well, then, I'm willing to bet there's something neat beyond here. Come on!"
The two journeyed down the long passageway until they came to a wide, open space. In the middle of the open space was an ancient altar, adorned with the stone statues of the Legendary Pokémon of Sinnoh around it. Giratina, The Master of Antimatter... Dialga, The Master Of Time... Palkia, The Master Of Space... And Arceus, The One To Rule Them All.
"Holy Magikarp! Look, Cloud, it's just as I thought! This place is incredible!"
<Yo right!> Cloud exclaimed as his yellow eyes enlarged <I did not expect dis!>
When they looked closer at the altar, they saw something that appeared to be a strange but dull, blade-looking object.
"Hey, Cloud? What is that thing?"
<I 'ave no idea, man.>
They hesitated but for a brief moment, when Servasius suggested "Why not we pick it up, then, take it as a souvenir? I mean, I know this should probably go to a musuem, but then we can't claim it as our own little treasure."
<I don't know abou' dat, pal... But it's yo choice, not mine. Yo' know what 'appened last time we tried a stunt like dat, we got in mayjah trouble.>
"I'm sure it's not going to be the same this time. I won't goof again, that's for darn sure!"
<Yeah, dat's what yo always say, crazeh man."
Servasius then approached the altar, and as he grabbed the artifact, his sight was filled with darkness and swirling, voilet clouds. A shade shaped like Giratina then to appeared into view, glaring red eyes aimed at Servasius, who watched in fear as he tried to run, but couldn't. The shadow circled around him a few times, and after ten times or so, rushed at Servasius. Servasius tried to shout, but nothing came forth from his mouth except silence. The shade passed into his body, and then the Ruins of Alph came back into view before he passed out.
<It was then and there Cloud rushed to go get help; he did the right thing... I woke up in Falkner's house, who turned out to be my Gym Leader friend I met years before on my 1st trip to Johto. He made sure I was alright before letting me leave with Cloud. 'Don't you do that again,' Cloud told me, 'I wouldn't want to be on my own.' Falkner held the very treasure we found in his hands, and gave it to me, told me not to lose it. As valuable as it was to me, I didn't want it sitting in a museum. Who'd treasure it there anyways? I know about the fact that usually, the treasure belongs to the people of this world to see it for their own two eyes. But it did not seem right and fair that this important looking artifact should just stay with scientists and such to figure out what it is. Thankfully, Falkner said he'd keep a secret... And that's how I have this keyblade... I never would have thought it would've been this valuable back then, but that's what surprises are for, right?>
[... To Be Continued in Light In The Shadows, The Célarustarn Chronicles Part 2, Chapter 4]
I apologize for this being a little shorter than usual, and for ending Part 1 earlier than I planned I've just been kept incredibly busy with other things lately. Nonetheless, I shall continue to write The Célarustarn Chronicles.
February 25th, 2011 (05:56 PM).
Welp. I said I'd give this a look-over months ago, so let's check it out!
My notes will be in list format for now, mostly because I'm reading and taking notes at the same time. I'm trying to avoid quoting posts for the sake of the Reviewing Challenge, so… yeah. Sorry if this goes a bit overboard.
1. It's not a bad beginning. I have to admit I like it when characters start off a story with "and this is how I died." (I say characters in the plural due to one Rose Tyler, who made me cheer a little inside when she did that.) It has a note of drama, a note of humor, and it's rather jarring for an opening line. No one expects a character to come right out and tell them how the thing ends, and as a result, the reader thinks about that and starts looking for clues as to how this will eventually come to be.
2. Nitpick: I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of a wild Pokémon giving itself a name, let alone a human one. Names are generally more of a human concept because people always feel the need to name everything. Meanwhile, it's pretty much canon that wild Pokémon refer to themselves by their species name, as one can tell with the fact that Team Rocket's Meowth, despite wanting to be a person, still just calls himself Meowth. Even then, I'm pretty sure a Lucario wouldn't use a human name because that kind of thing just doesn't mean anything to them. (Marcus, for example, is a name that comes from Mars, a human god.) While I'm not saying Lucario should name himself Tree or something he'd be more familiar with, I'm saying that if you come up with a non-human species with its own language, chances are, it would take non-human names – names that are derived from parts of a non-human language to honor things that are important to non-humans. Or, in other words, I guess you could say it'd make more sense to have a Lucario whose name is the Lucario word for "tree" than it would be to have a Lucario whose name comes from that of one of the humans' gods.
3. Cameran Palace. Weird spelling, yes, and I realize it's easy to miss. But… that's how it is, you know?
4. Thank God you explained why Riolu can/is trying to use Aura Sphere. It seems to be more popular for writers to just give their characters Aura Sphering Riolu without realizing that this usually means they're extremely special. It's also interesting to see that you have this one struggle to use it at first. By doing this, you're saying that it's not a master of its own abilities, so you give us a reason to root for him right off the bat. We want to see Marcus figure out his powers, and we can tell right now that it's going to serve as rather some nice backstory to how he grew close to Sir Aaron.
5. But I am slightly disappointed that you summarized their growing relationship in about two lines. You built up the first part of this story by implying that it's going to lead into this really epic series of events where we get to watch Marcus mature from the amateur he was as a Riolu to the powerful Lucario who takes on Darkrai, but the quest between both points just isn't there. A couple of lines after his agreement with Sir Aaron, he's suddenly a mature Lucario ready to learn an aura-based power bestowed on him by Arceus himself. It just seems to go extremely fast here.
6. Not to be rude or anything, but I just have to sigh at your name choice for Darkrai. Aside from the fact that as a legendary, a nickname is really unnecessary (because there's typically only one of each – or because there's so few of them that they can get away with being called by their species names), it's taken from the Final Fantasy character, isn't it? It's actually sort of sad that this name has become synonymous with evil because it was originally supposed to be a stroke of brilliance in irony. You see, Sephiroth is a real name. It's true. However, who is the real Sephiroth?
Yes, Sephiroth (alternative spelling that's a bit more recognizable: Sephirot) is a religious term meaning one of the ten avatars of God. The name doesn't imply evil. It implies power – as in, Final Fantasy's Sephiroth is meant to be the ultimate power in that world.
While Darkrai could be claiming that he's just as powerful, really, I cringe a little inside because fans usually think it means "OMG THIS IS A DARK CHARACTER WHO'S EVIL AND REALLY POWERFUL." Not to be snarky or anything, but it happens a lot. Instead, it's meant to imply that whoever's bearing that name is just insanely powerful and good. The only problem is that Final Fantasy's Sephiroth is just a little misguided. And by that I mean he's batcrap crazy.
But if you named this character after the religious aspect and not the Final Fantasy character (at all), you've officially earned my respect.
7. Wait. Why did Sephiroth want everyone in Cameran Palace dead? Was he just batcrap crazy too?
8. When you describe battles, you'll want to make sure your details are present and clear. Don't just settle with "I used Aura Storm and it was SUPER-EFFECTIVE." Describe to us what the attacks look like and what happens to both characters on the battlefield. By doing this, you draw the readers into your world by allowing to visualize what's going on. The more they can visualize this, the more they'll feel like they're watching the action from a front-row seat. Battles become more dramatic when it's not just "I used Y Attack on Z Pokémon," and readers will be excited by the feeling of suspense they get out of trying to guess who would win based on how much of a beating both sides take.
9. From right off the bat, I like the interactions between Servasius and Cloud. They're a casual pair, open for joking around with each other and generally being pretty cool bros together. I just hope you didn't name the Grovyle after a Final Fantasy character for reasons I mentioned in my Sephiroth rant.
10. It feels like you're going a bit fast. You've barely started the chapter and barely established Servasius's and Cloud's personalities when literally out of nowhere, Marcus pops up. I'd really advise slowing down your pacing. Let us get to know the characters a little before you start throwing the curve balls. That way, we'll be able to get a handle on who these two are and what to expect from them.
11. The Lucario.
Has a human last name.
In the words of Malcolm Reynolds: "Well. Huh."
12. Why is Marcus telling Servasius and Cloud about Sir Aaron? I mean, if he was too shy to tell one of his closest friends his full name, he'd probably be way too shy to tell two characters he just met about his past with someone when he doesn't even know whether or not said characters know a thing about Sir Aaron. It just feels more like you're trying to explain a plot hole (which really isn't much of a plot hole because you could have gotten away with just having a Lucario that has only one name) than like you're trying to get Marcus to serve up some valuable information to his newfound companions. You don't want to evoke that feeling in a reader because you don't want to clue them in on what only exists to help make the story make sense.
13. Why would Marcus suggest that Servasius tell his parents? I mean, Marcus doesn't know who Servasius's parents are (judging by how he reacts to the question), so it doesn't make sense for him to say that the sword should be taken to them instead of just to an expert in general.
14. On that note (and as a result), Servasius's backstory feels like it was delivered out of nowhere. I mean, he just met a spectral Lucario, and they were just talking about the sword. His parents are only marginally related to either topic (and even then, given the above, it still feels like it's coming out of nowhere), so the fact that he's bringing it up seems abrupt. As a result, it feels more like you're just bringing it up so the audience would know what happened to his parents, not because it makes sense within the story.
I'm not sure if I'm making complete sense at all here, but think of it like this. No information should be delivered to a reader unless it's absolutely necessary. Now, this piece of advice has multiple layers. There's of course the fact that you never bring up information that will have absolutely nothing to do with the story for obvious reasons. More related to this, however, it means that you don't bring up information that's not relevant to the scene. Sure, it might be important for us to know who Servasius's parents were and what happened to them, but it's not relevant for right now because it doesn't make sense for them to go from talking about the sword and what should be done with it to talking about his parents. Yes, even with Marcus bringing them up (as I've noted in point #13). As a result, it feels out-of-place and awkward, especially since Marcus goes off on a completely different subject within a couple of lines after Servasius finishes his backstory. In other words, it feels like it was just brought up for the sake of bringing it up, rather than because it's going to be important.
Or, even simpler, it makes your story feel like it's going all over the place.
15. Come to think of it, why did Servasius not react to the fact that he's looking at a ghost? I mean, he acknowledges that he's looking at an intensely famous Lucario, but… that's about it. That Lucario has been dead for hundreds of years, and it's a ghost. No questioning of his sanity here? No "WAIT WHY AM I SEEING YOU" here? No reaction in general?
16. Your characters randomly met a legendary Pokémon? I mean, legendaries are pretty important things in any of the Pokémon worlds (i.e., they're frequently seen as something along the lines of gods), so seeing them is a pretty big deal. You really don't want to have your characters meet one just for the sake of meeting one or because it'd be cool or anything along those lines. It's more like if a legendary shows up, it's most likely going to be a pretty important figure who will pop up later on down the line. Just look at the legendaries in the anime. Mesprit appeared to Dawn early on, and it popped up again at a pretty important plot point in the anime storyline. Same thing with Ho-oh to Ash.
17. Your main character can transform into a Lucario.
So, er, to recap:
- Servasius. Just… the name.
- With a Pokémon who may or may not be named after the Final Fantasy character.
- He's the son of brilliant scientists.
- …Who disappeared, giving him an angsty past.
- He's seen a legendary Pokémon. In fact, he was saved by said legendary.
- He has secret powers that could potentially transform him into a super-powerful Pokémon (a hero, if the sword is any indication).
- …And he has a telepathic connection with his Grovyle. A psychic Pokémon, I'd understand. A Grovyle? Not so much.
Now, I'll be frank. These are stereotypical red flags for Gary Stus, or characters who seem so over-the-top that they suspend the laws of their own reality to seem cool. (In other words, people say they're extremely powerful characters who always have things go right for them. This is just one possible type of Mary Sue or Gary Stu, and it's the kind that the above points tend to define.) I don't want to say that Servasius is most definitely one right now, but I will say that you've really got to work on pulling together his character in order to avoid seeming like one.
Right now, as I've said earlier, you're not giving him time to react to things in a logical manner (like the fact that a ghost of a long-dead Lucario just showed up out of nowhere to him), and some of the things seem to be brought up just to inform the reader about him/make him seem cool (like his entire backstory). You've really got to slow down and figure out how to distribute this kind of information throughout the story to make it seem relevant and to let Servasius act and show us that he's a deep, developed character with a fully-detailed personality. Of course, that won't necessarily stop you from having a Gary Stu, but it will at least make it easier to like him because things about this character aren't blindsiding the reader left and right. Also, watching a character interact with and react to things around them in manners that show off their personalities allow us to be entertained by who they are, if that makes sense. I would recommend looking at the people around you on a daily basis and observing how they interact with each other and the general world. Once you see that, translate that to your characters' conversations and actions. Thinking about them that way will help you figure out how they would react to whatever situation you throw at them.
18. He can transform into a shiny Lucario. Huh.
19. Also, Marcus didn't explain anything right after Servasius woke up.
20. …And they're in the Legend of Zelda.
21. And everyone seems okay with this? I mean, they're not exactly flipping out over the facts that they got transported to a new world and that one of their party members is now a Lucario. Sure, they did a little bit, but it seems like they dropped all of that as soon as Link came on the scene.
22. Speaking of Link, he's in a temple, and he's facing strange monsters. Usually, that would lead to someone getting a sword run through them, so I just have to ask why he stopped to chat.
23. …And for that matter, why did he agree so quickly to follow the others?
24. Aura Storm is a canon move. Sure, it's super-powerful, but it doesn't automatically inflict death upon the user.
25. Link isn't at all surprised that these newcomers don't know who the three Golden Goddesses are when everyone in Hyrule does? (Yes, I know they're not in Hyrule, but Link doesn't know that himself at this point.)
(I only bring this up because you definitely want to avoid creating a crossover fic just for the sake of bringing in elements you think are cool and applying them to one universe. While it's okay to have characters traverse worlds and unite heroes to fight against an ultimate evil, it's a little less okay to give your character a keyblade if you don't intend on delving into Kingdom Hearts or what a keyblade stands for. I say it's a little less okay because quite frequently, fans like to make their characters keyblade bearers or use other Kingdom Hearts elements out of context just because the franchise is fashionable. They don't really intend on expanding upon those universes in a way that actually fits with a story.
In other words, if you just want the sword to be a keyblade just because it's cool instead of because the fact that it's a keyblade will play an important part in the story, you're probably going to be encountering consistency problems.)
27. And he has no questions about any of this, despite just having his destiny dumped on him?
28. For someone who's trying to fight off a powerful, evil force that's trying to control it, Dialga sure does talk a lot.
29. Link is surprised they've never heard of Ganon, but he wasn't surprised that they haven't heard of the basics of Hyrule's religion?
30. Exactly twenty-one punches?
(Sorry. It's just that this part of the battle seemed a little over-the-top, like Marcus came to life, jumped in, and started pulling a Chuck Norris on Dialga all for the sake of looking cool. It doesn't really help that the same issue I've mentioned earlier about battles – specifically, in my comment about Sephiroth versus Marcus – is brought up here, so there's very little detail at all to help us visualize what's going on. As a result, it seems less dramatic and serious than it can be because every attack is boiled down to a single sentence.)
31. When introducing a villain, it's best not to have them reveal their plans in an infodump. For example, rather than have Zarel say, "DON'T BE CAUGHT OR YOU'LL EXPOSE OUR PLANS TO COLLECT SOULS," it would be better if you had him say, "Don't get caught, or you'll screw everything up." Or something to that effect, anyway. The reason why is because you want to keep the reader guessing about what the villains are doing right up to the point where they're about to pull off their plans. For example, it's cool that they want to collect souls, but if the reader doesn't immediately know that until they watch some soul collecting happen, then it'll make the evil folks seem a little more enigmatic and insidious – something to entice people to put them together themselves, you know? If they do learn that, however, it causes the villain's speech to seem a little on the cheesy side because it almost feels like they have to reveal everything, particularly to someone who should already know what they're doing and why it'd be a bad thing to expose their plans to the heroes.
32. For someone who's apparently never used aura before, it seems strange that Severius could do it in three tries, complete with a little artistic flair (implied by the "fluid motion").
And right about here, I'd like to stop for now. As you can see, there's quite a bit that doesn't quite sit well with me here. I won't say it's terrible because it's readable and has a pretty interesting concept at its heart. (If the concept is, at least, that a kid and his pals traverse a world full of characters who were also pulled from various universes in order to save the multiverse.) However, in order to pull this idea off, you'll need to buckle down and work out a few kinks. To put it simply so I don't spend paragraphs on this wrap-up, never do something just because it sounds cool (especially if you can't give it a reason for happening within the fic – like Severius spilling his entire backstory to a ghost), don't make the entire story revolve around how awesome your characters are (especially if the focus should be on their quest and the other heroes equally, not just on their levels of badass), and don't simplify attacks to Character A used Attack B on Character C. Let your characters act and react in logical ways. Look at real people and how they act if you need models to help you to figure out how your characters would react to certain events. Finally, avoid bringing in elements from other universes just for the sake of being cool.
I know. Tons of information and advice all at once, but I guess when you get right down to it, I mean to say that what you need to work out the most are your characters and your smaller details. It looks like you have ideas for a really awesome story, but you're just moving way too fast to let your characters play out those ideas. Also, you'll just want to read up on Mary Sues.
Hope any of this helped, and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.
March 22nd, 2011 (11:22 AM). Edited March 22nd, 2011 by Astinus.
That's quite a lengthy bit of hints. Nonetheless, very helpful. I'll see that the next part develops better, if I can write that out. Thanks, I will take the hints quite serious, too! :3
I'd like to thank Seiji Konokama and Lucario Giavlés here for contributing to part of this fanfic. Were it not for them, I might not have finished it.
Giavlés, it's been great knowing you all this time, let us continue being great friends!
Seiji Konokama! You always rock the world of Arys! Continue rockin' on!
Thanks again goes to Autistic Lucario who writes Lucario And The 10 Ordeals, who allowed Zeke's guest appearance. Who knows, I may have him reappear as a guest alongside another of your characters with your permission.
Hope you guys I listed above work with me on Light In The Shadows, which will be on delay. Nonetheless, may the aura be with you guys! :3
July 6th, 2011 (11:57 AM).
Hey, I've finally finished Parts I & II of The Célarustarn Chronicles, but it is in a .PDF document. :3
Be aware, there are changes not present here.
Download here: http://dc415.4shared.com/download/Pq9_mbaj/The_Clarustarn_Chronicles_Part.pdf?tsid=20110706-195444-c615adcf
All times are UTC -8. The time now is 11:45 AM.