This was quite rushed, but I dunno, I do like the story. To make things clearer, there is three different story lines happening, and I'll have _______________ when they switch. they ARE interlinked. I only have a rough idea where this is going. This hasn't been beta read, so all the thousand mistakes are mine, and mine only!
The atmosphere is fit for the scene that is unfolding, but isn’t it always? Of course the trees are old, the sky is dark and the air is thick and sticky. Just like one of those days you’d wish for a storm to break the heat and the humidity.
They were backed into a corner, trapped by a sheer cliff climbing far above into the inky blackness that spreads forever -it seems- across the heavens. One of them had tried to climb it, but like they’d be able to, idiots. Ha.They are frightened, shaking.They know they won’t survive this. Usually this part is the sweetest. Usually. But who am I one to complain? I should just follow my leader’s orders shouldn’t I? She sees them as a threat, I eliminate. But. (Oh yes, I’m going to be cliché and include the but.) This is truly above and beyond, and not in a good way.
She lifted her arm slowly, ethereally, commanding me silently to go forward.
Even I was feeling remorse for them. Yes, they were idiots and were terribly annoying, but they don’t deserve this. I know what was to happen, it is always the same. Don’t get me wrong, I do still enjoy it. I more than enjoy it, I love it, and I crave it. But not like this, this isn’t the same, this isn’t right. She wouldn’t have wanted this, this isn’t her. Her eyes are flat and lifeless; they don’t see … I hesitate.
“Houndoom?” She questions softly.
I growl in reply, stepping forward menacingly, and the human puppies seem to flatten themselves even more so. It is almost as if they believe if they try had enough, they’d be able to be absorbed into the wall. How quaint.
She must be in some sort of psychosis. I don’t know, but there is something wrong with her. I know, she won’t ever be the girl she originally was, but I was content with who she had been for quite awhile. Between you and me? I liked her that way, she accepted my darkness, but she was still herself.
I used smog first; I just knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the look on the children’s faces as I attacked them.
This shouldn’t be happening.
This isn’t what she’d like, but she’s ordering it. I just don’t understand. It’s like she is a whole other person. The kids whisper something about death and the grim reaper, but I cannot think of her like that.
I release the fire that was building in my mouth. A large stream of heat is sent into the cloud of smog eliciting screams and other horrid noises from the young humans under the cover of the thick smog. The screams are bittersweet. I revel in it, sadly.
Her name doesn’t seem to fit her anymore, I don’t know what to call her, other than alpha, but even that seems wrong, to name a human that. Our life has been like this for too long.
The smog is clearing and I cannot stand the sight of the charred bodies. She likes to study the scene. I need to get away, so I turn to leave. Her breath catches this is new. This must be the first sign of life in months. Oh, she breathes, she sleeps, she eats (hardly) but everything is robotic. Every single movement is measured. I pause but once again her breathing returns to its normal rate.
Its times like these that make me feel like she truly has changed deep down. I cannot stand her at times like these. I can turn a blind eye to many things; most people and Pokémon alike would never call me a saint, but to kill children? No, even I think that is wrong.
“Molly!” A boy’s voice shouts. “Moll-m-m-olly!”
The trees above rustle, and a small child plops out of the tree, landing on the young boy.The child shrieks with joy.
“Hey!” the boy exclaims. “Didn’t I tell you not to climb trees?” He says, while picking her up.
“Mummy never said not to, you not the boss of me!” Molly replies cheekily. From the looks of it, she couldn’t be older than four, though the pigtails and the play suit she is wearing might be deceiving. (But then again, her grasp of grammar does seem to support that.) Wriggling out of the boy’s hands, she runs off along the path, but when she looks back her he isn’t there anymore.
“Michal?” Molly calls out tentatively,
“Michal? You said you wouldn’t hide? I’m scared.” Her words echoing into the empty forest.
“One, two three, four, five…ten. Ten of my ribs are visible when I breathe in.”
“You know,” The prisoner said, to no one in particular, “I don’t feel hungry anymore. So, if you’re doing this to torture me, it’s not working.” Of course, she received no answer, the only other sign of life in this dreary hole was her guard, passing the long shift he was given.
It had crossed her mind that talking to herself was a sign of madness. But better to be mad then sit and do nothing, day in, day out. All there was was torture, sitting and maybe a bit of anger thrown in for good measure. Really, when she
She hadn’t noticed ( a lot of things are easy to not notice when you haven't been fed in a month, okay, well, maybe not that long, but a few scraps here and there combined with utter boredom tends to make people zone out easily) the man approaching her cell, until now. He was a tall looming figure, all sharp lines; with too large of features; his clothes seem out of place, too formal. A flash of recognition gleamed across her face, just before she leaped up. The prisoner instantly regretted the movement, which had caused her head to spin so that the only way she could continue standing was by clinging to the cell’s bars.
“Traitor.” She hissed at the man.
“You always knew my intentions.” He replied nonchalantly.
He shoved the guard awake while he slipped him a 100 pokedollar note.
“Get lost for a while,” The tall man whispered to the guard.
Once he had woken up enough to realize what was happening the guard quickly stood up and walked out of sight. Happy to be able to be free from that hell hole, for at least a couple hours.
“I never remember being told you’d hand me over. Here to torture me again? Really, someone like you must surely have someone stronger to torture, or am I all you can handle.” She said.
“Ah, but I do love to see the torment on your face. Its fun to revel in fact you trusted me. No one else here is quite as stupid as you.” The man said as he unlocked the door to her cell.
“Sadist. Sicko. Traitor.” The prisoner said while she backed into a corner.
The man grabbed the girl by her throat and pinned her to the wall behind. With his other hand, he removed a pokeball from a pocket in his pants and shoved it towards her.
“It has an Abra in it.” He whispers furiously. “Take it, leave. Get away from here and don’t think of it again.” He told her, removing his hand from his throat, which caused her to slide down the wall.
This was quite rushed, but I dunno, I do like the story.
You know, I like this loads, too. It takes a lot to bring me out of lurking (usually threats. *shot*), but I was like, "Breezy, you can't just read this thang and not say how much you enjoyed it."
Like you said, it could probably use a closer proofread (at the very least structurally. Some of your paragraphs are still single-spaced), but the unique style in the first section was what hooked me, the naivety of the second section made me wonder, and the tense situation in the third section was what brought it home for me. Interestingly enough, despite having three very distinct scenes in very different locations (and, to an extent, three different styles of writing. Though all of them have parenthetical thought! I do enjoy parenthetical thought), they seemed to have flown together. Rather, the transition between the three didn't seem all that jarring. There's no explanation for this other than witchcraft.
(Or maybe because each scene, despite leaving the reader wondering wtf is going on, seems to end with somewhat of a closure ... well, maybe with the exception of the last section, but the chapter ends anyway).
I think what really got me going was that you're aware of cliches, at least when it comes to setting around darker moments. You even state such by your houndoom character somewhere. I think the slight snark by the houndoom character is what made what could have been an extremely dark/horrific scene a bit lighter, but at the same time, there is a good balance between the two ... god, I forget what it's called. Tones? Let's go with that. I mean, dur hur, I like the balance between the more light-hearted snark/reflection of the events by the houndoom and the actual dark action that is being played out. I definitely got the sense of how evil/twisted/confused (something) Houndoom's trainer is, but the input from Houndoom made it seem more, ironically enough, human. But at the same time (I need moar phrases), I don't get that great of a sense of pity from him. Even though it's the chilluns. But he's just doing what he's told. But the chilluns. Oh, he liked the screams. Chilluns. But he can't look back.
It's so wonderfully conflicting.
The second section, while short, was also well done. It actually seemed like a taunt to us because, well, we just saw (kind of ... it is implied) children die and here we have children playing of all things. I like the innocence of it, plus the cute dialogue of Molly. Speaking of which, I know you noted in the narrative that Molly has bad grammar skills, but would it really be "too" instead of just plain "to?" They both sound the same. Maybe that's just a typo on your part and not part of the character. =P
My only problem with this section was this:
“Mikhael? You said you wouldn’t hide? I’m scared.”
I might just be dumb, but I got confused and thought this was two people trading off dialogue instead of one person, Molly, wondering where Mikhael is. Maybe possibly dunno write something small like "she paused" or something short that indicates that Molly paused to look around or something?
Third scene, I also like the dialogue in it. It starts out so simple and boring (well, what else are prisoners going to do besides count their bones ... I guess lulz) and it quickly intensifies. Leaves the reader hanging. I approve. My only concern is why the girl appears to be strong, or at least strong-willed, if she hadn't eaten for at least a month. Shouldn't she be a litttleeeee bit weaker?
Well, I guess she did get slammed into the wall. Or something.
Oh, I lied. Totally another concern. Try slowing down, or remember to quicky describe, the sequence of events. Such as
He shoves the guard awake and slips him a 100 poke dollar note.
“Get lost for awhile.” He whispered to the guard.
“I never remember being told you’d hand me over. Here to torture me again? Really, someone like you must surely have someone stronger to torture, or am I all you can handle.”
Did the guard actually leave?
Oh and you kind of randomly go into present tense near the end. *shrug*
Boring grammar crap is under the spoiler. I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but I pointed out some of the mistakes you commonly made.
Grammar wise, you're actually not as bad as you make yourself out to be. Your biggest issue is probably comma splices:
The smog is clearing, and I cannot stand the sight, I turn and start to walk away.
I do get what you're trying to do when you do make comma splice (to make it appear more stream-of-thought and rambled from the character/narrator). Try playing around with other forms of punctuation to get the ideal tone/style. In this case, you might just be better off adding an "and" after the comma. I would say semicolon but that kind of makes the entire sentence too abrupt for what you were originally going for.
Punctuation in dialogue can be tricky but think of it this way.
“Get lost for awhile.” He whispered to the guard.
He whispered to the guard isn't a complete sentence (the reader is wondering what he whispered, ya?), so you gotta connect it to the dialogue with a comma. Therefore it should look like
“Get lost for awhile,” he whispered to the guard.
Likewise (can't find any examples in your story), if you have something like He spat in her coffee, it's obvious that can stand alone as it's own sentence. Therefore there's no need to hook it up to the dialogue with a comma.
"Good morning." He spat in her coffee.
(Yeah, random, I know).
Everything else that's typoed is rather self explanatory. I would totally go back and spruce this thing up because I think you have something awesome here. I do adore your style of writing and how easy it is to get through and how you're able to create such powerful scenes without wordy, annoying detail.
(I have a migraine. so please excuse me if this sounds brief, I will fully reply when I am better)
I've fixed it up as much as I can (considering my migraine) and I've applied for a beta reader at perfect imagination. :D
Thankyou for the loooong comment!
First off: Without saying too much, Houndoom never really had any morals (other then loyalty to his "pack") to start off with, but he eventually had morals beaten into him (:D!) so begrudgingly, he does know right from wrong, but to him, the major thing is not that it's bad, it's that alpha is ordering that. If it was anyone else ordering it, it would be a different story.
(Houndoom might also make out he is a bit more evil/sadistic then he really is! )
I have my paragraphs spaced out properly, but when I paste it into the box, it removes the space between them, I went through and changed it back, but I must have overlooked some.
The prisoner has a weird sense of humour. I almost added,
"Well, I suppose that means I don't need that diet, do I?"
but it didn't "fit"
She's trying to amuse herself really.
it initially was going to be a month, but I decided against it, but I forgot to change it.
I tend to add commas where ever I think a pause/emphasis should go (bad habit) and I can not for the life of me proofread my own work(Though I do try!) because I get bored and start to skim read. This doesn't happen when I proof read other people's work. I have applied for a beta reader to help with that though.
I can't deny the story flowed interestingly, and it took a lot of risks that may or may not pay off. This is certainly a fic where one's mileage may vary, because the vagueness in the writing style certainly turned a lot of people on, but, personally, I was kind of left asking "Huh...?" until the last sentence of every vignette.
Make no mistake: your writing style is beautiful, poetic. The prose is very delicate, employing distinctly different styles to help you go into the mindset of the central character of that segment. However, here's where we move onto the essential flaw of this fic: you don't know WHO the central character is.
I'm sure you intentionally wrote it to be disorienting, but, personally, I felt disoriented to the point where it affected the quality of the fan-fic. It truthfully left me unaware of where we were, who we were rooting for, etc. It was stream of consciousness to the enth degree, abandoning, for the most part, the physical world in favor of thought process.
For the most part.
Additionally, I really don't know what the three vignettes had to do with one another. They seemed sparadic, almost a little random to be honest. At times, I figured they'd all tie together in some way, but they never did. That could've elevated your to a higher level. Unless the escapee girl controlled a Houndoom that attacked the kids in segment two, in which case the fic failed to really bring that to my attention. It leaves the fic open to interpretation, yes, but also leaves this one prone to simply Wild Mass Guessing, too.
Don't get me wrong: this fan-fic was still awfully enjoyable, but more in the sense that the style was distinct and intriguing than the actual plot and story were engaging. Indeed, while you characterized the Houndoom awfully well, the jail segment seemed almost a bit random. The most powerful point, however, was the children segment, in my opinion. Following the Houndoom scene, you knew Houndoom needed to kill kids, so when the child goes missing, well, your mind goes to dark, horrible places, which I commend you as a writer for. The fan-fic is worth it for that nightmarishly depressing image which a lesser writer (probably me) might have gone into a large amount of detail into. It's what you DON'T see sometimes that's worse than what you do.
All in all, nice effort, I enjoyed it, but I can't say I loved it, either.