The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.


Advertise here

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old October 2nd, 2010, 06:27 PM
Lilly2
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Gender: Female
Send a message via Skype™ to Lilly2

Advertise here
Hello! Would this be where I post a thread? I'm relatively new here...anyway, I've begun writing a "fan fiction" unknowingly three years ago, maybe when I was eleven (I'm fourteen now). It's nowhere near done, but I'm so proud of how far I've come that I'm dying to share it with the world! So if I'm doing this right, you should be able to view some of the work I've done so far. Don't expect to find the ENTIRE beginning of the story, just little pieces of it that make it up. Any sort of worthwile advice would be amazing! I haven't started doing this because I want to sell it and make money, this was before I knew people actually DID that (In fact I was so happy that I wasn't the only one writing fan fictions I almost cried) I do it because I love it so thanks for taking the time to read this over-sized paragraph!

For now, I will just post the introduction. Don't worry, you're not supposed to really understand what's going on

Please leave an opinion!



I CAN’T REMEMBER HATING ANYTHING MORE THAN THE PARALYZED UNIVERSE.
I hate it all. I hate that there’s no light. I hate that it’s cold. I hate that there’s no life of any sort. And most of all, I hate that there’s no hope. I can feel the weight of hopelessness in the air and taste it when I breathe. I’m not even sure why there’s air here. It’s not like anyone’s alive. The Paralyzed Universe’s only inhabitants are bad souls. What’s the point?
I hate how I’m griping so much.
At least I’m not doing it aloud. That’s a good thing, I guess. I wouldn’t want to wake anybody else up.
But now that I’m thinking about all this, I can’t go back to sleep. Not like I could sleep well, anyway, in this frozen wasteland; even with three blankets.
I could try looking at the positives. Let’s start with I’m not alone. All my dearest friends are with me. Although I asked them not to come. Well asked is an understatement . . .
There I go again with my griping.
Another positive; there aren’t any bad souls within miles of here. They won’t be able to find us for another few . . . hours, maybe. At least that’s how much longer my friends and I should be disguised for.
Oh, and the best one yet; hopefully within those few hours, I’ll be reunited with my Guardian, and we can all go home to the Living Universe. That would be really swell.
Swell is an understatement, too.
I’ve run out of positives. Dark thoughts are filling my head again. I need to think of something else distracting . . .
Oh hey, I got an idea! Have you got some time on your hands? I’d like to tell you a story. Okay, it’s actually about my life, but it’s a pretty interesting tale. I think I’ll be able to keep you entertained. I hope you can stay awhile, it would really take my mind off this depressing place.
So . . . go to the bathroom, get a snack, do whatever you have to do in order to prevent interruptions.
Ready?
Great! Let’s begin then, shall we?




If you want me to post what I have of the beginning, I will, but it's not very long..or whatever other parts of this story, because there's a couple of segments.
I also recommend reading my idea in order if you do wish to somewhat understand the beginning. It's under Writer's Block with the same name as this thread
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old October 10th, 2010, 05:04 PM
Lilly2
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Gender: Female
Send a message via Skype™ to Lilly2
Well, here's chapter one, fresh out of the oven! Feedback is appreciated



Honnen

Chapter One


When I wake, I see sunlight flitting through the square window across my tiny bedroom. I blink and close my eyes again, still exhausted. But before I can begin to drift off, something light is jumping on my back.
No, jumping’s an overstatement. Perhaps tapping works better.
“Pii piii! Pii piii!”
“Rise and shine! Rise and shine!”
The shrill, cheery squeals are enough to guess who’s trying to rouse me from my slumber.
“Hi Clefairy . . .”
“Pii!”
“Wake up!”
Yawning, I waited until the tapping stopped, then sat up and looked at the small, pale pink Pokemon sitting on my bed. Her small black eyes were looking back, and she held her stubs for arms out to me expectantly. I smiled, picked her up, threw her high in the air and wait for her to float like a balloon back into my arms; she squeals with delight. I put her down again, stretching my arms. Then I reach over to my nightstand and pick up the silver necklace and the Pokeball sitting on it.
“Hey . . . is Auntie here?” I ask, rubbing my eyes with my free hand.
“Pii! Fairy!”
“Mommy went to see her companion!”
“Auntie went to May-may’s already?” I ask, surprised.
Auntie always waits for me!
Clefairy hopped onto the nightstand. “She said to bring me over! When you wake up! So I’m waking you up because I want to go play with Taillow!”
“Will there be breakfast?”
“I don’t know!”
Clefairy hops off the nightstand and does cartwheels in the air while she skips around in the room.
I roll out of bed and stumble toward my teeny closet to pull out today’s outfit. Then I run to the bathroom, where I get changed into the jean shorts and white tee-shirt, stowing the Pokeball in my back pocket. After I clean my teeth and wash my face, I use the wooden comb sitting on the vanity to brush my black hair that’s knotted from sleep. Then I pull it back into a ponytail, but when I look in the mirror, I see it’s not quite in the center of my head and flyaway hair sticking out randomly. I’m in too much of a rush to care. My bangs are almost impossible this morning, but I finally manage to get them to sweep to the side after a few minutes.
When I think I look presentable enough, I take the silver chain in my hands again and run it through my fingers, feeling it slide like water. Then I hold the white Opal in my hand, which is so big that it takes up the entire palm. I turn it this way and that, watching it glow in the colors of the rainbow. When I’m done admiring it, I quickly press the rock to my mouth and slide the chain over my head. The Opal necklace is always too fancy for the clothes I usually wear, but I’m never without it.
After a final second of admiring, I skip down the stairs and call Clefairy as I slip on my leather sandals and step out of the house. I wait for Clefairy to squeal and bounce her way outside before I shut the door behind the both of us.
I took a deep breath of the springtime air and looked around at all the pretty blossoms on the berry trees. A small Pecha tree in the middle of Littleroot had tiny, pastel orange flowers that gave off a sweet scent. The gentle breeze mingled the sweet and piney smells and made my ponytail sway. I saw Clefairy hop toward the Pecha tree and spring to the highest branch. However, sixteen pounds is a little more than the thin branches can handle; they start bending over so Clefairy is precariously perched on them. Unworried, I giggled and ran after her, reaching up the tree to tickle her behind one of her big, pointed, brown-tipped ears. She squealed and fell out, alighting on the ground with barely a thud. The tree sprung back to its original shape.
“Come on,” I say, picking her up.
I carried her squealing all the way to May’s house, where Aunt Clair was.
This neighborhood is so small, it takes twenty seconds to run from my house, at the south-east corner, to May’s house, at the north-west corner; we’d always race each other back and forth, from my house to hers. The three houses in Littleroot all have two floors, but other than that they’re pretty basic; and the only kind of road here is the dirt path leading to each of them and to the way to Rout 101, located north. There’s a small pond to the south, no wider than any of the houses, and the town’s molded into the shape of a square because of the big conifers bordering it; it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say I lived in the middle of nowhere. The only thing that would interest anyone outside of here is the newly built Pokemon Lab, which is the building to the south west.
After wiping my sandals on the welcome mat, I knock on the door and shout, “It’s Lilly!”
I hear a scream from inside and laugh when I also hear May run toward the foyer. Clefairy hops out of my arms and squeals in response. May throws open the door and hugs me tight.
“Lilly!”
“May!”
I hug her back. “Did you eat breakfast yet? I’m starving.”
Clefairy is bouncing her way inside before either of us. May takes my hand and skips to the kitchen.
“Not yet! I was waiting for you.”
She pulled out the chair at the end of the table and scooted to the edge so I could sit by her. We both squeezed in and waited to be served.
“Oh, look who finally showed up!”
My Aunt stood up and put her empty plate in the sink, then came over and kissed the top of my head.
“So nice of you to join us,” Caroline said, bringing over two bowls of steaming, green creamy wheat.
“Mommy, why’s the creamy wheat green?” May asked, picking up her bowl and showing it to Caroline.
“Isn’t it cool? I put food coloring in it!”
“It looks like puke!”
I pulled out the plastic spoon and ate a mouthful, “But it tastes delicious! Thanks Caroline!”
“Lilly—”
My Aunt was about to remind me for the thousandth time not to call May’s mom by her first name, but Caroline interrupted as she went to refrigerator and took out a full paper bag.
“It doesn’t bother me Clair. Just as long as my kids don’t get in the habit!”
Then she headed toward the front door. “I have to go give Norman his lunch. I forgot to make it this morning, so I said I’d bring it over later.”
Then she put her free hand to her mouth and whistled loudly.
There was a responding chirp, and a second later a bird Pokemon with slender, angular wings flies down the stairs and lands on Caroline’s shoulder. He looked around with big eyes and nestled himself in its trainer’s long, wavy hair.
“Taillow!” he cried.
“Ready when you are!”
“Oh!” May cried.
She quickly turned to me and patted my shoulder.
“What’d he say, Lilly?”
“He said, ready when you are!” I giggled.
“Gosh, I’d give anything to understand Pokemon!” May said, awed.
“Lilly, that gift of yours is going to come in handy someday,” Caroline says as she walks out the door.
A moment later, Max came running down the stairs.
“Speaking of bothers,” I whisper.
May giggles.
He ignored the comment and ran right up to my Aunt and grabbed with a tiny hand. “Mommy, can I have a sugar cookie?”
Max is May’s brother, and he can be a bother. He’s two years younger than her, which makes him five at the time. He’s also legally blind, so he constantly has to wear his glasses.
That would explain why he ran up to my Aunt instead of Caroline.
“Max,” my Aunt bends down, “where’s your glasses?”
“Uhm . . . Taillow hid them again.”
“Again? That’s not good!”
“Clefairy knows where they are, but I think she wants someone to find them,” he says, pointing at the dishwasher.
I now know he meant to point toward the stairs.
“Well, I’m Mrs. McLachlan, and your mother just left for Petalburg, but I’m sure since you ate your breakfast, she’d let you have a cookie.”
Petalburg City is the closest thing to a city around these parts; people like to joke that it’s the “Rural City”. It has a few more houses than Littleroot, a Pokemon Center, and even more unusual, a Pokemart. But the thing that attracts Pokemon trainers from everywhere, even outside of Honnen, is the Pokemon Gym. A Pokemon Gym is a place where trainers go to not only train their Pokemon, but to defeat the Gym Leaders and earn a badge. There are eight different badges in the Honnen Region, the continent I lived on. When a trainer has all eight badges from the eight Gym Leaders, they are eligible to challenge the Pokemon League.
Norman, May’s dad, is a leader, and he leads this particular Gym; and to be the leader of any Pokemon Gym means that you’re a pretty decent trainer. Oldale Town, the town Caroline would have to go through to get to Petalburg City, at least has a Pokemon Center, where you can heal Pokemon.
“Lilly and May, would you be so kind as to go and find Max’s glasses?” Auntie asked as she helped Max on to a chair.
“Sorry, Auntie!”
I grab May’s hand and hurry upstairs with her.
“I’ve got something to show May!”
“Alright, but when you’re done, find Max’s glasses!” she shouts up the stairs.
“Okay!”
In my excitement, I tried to jump the last two steps.
Which resulted in my knee banging into the floor and a near face-plant!
May sensibly walked up the last two steps and helped me up. “Are you okay Lilly?”
I was on my feet in an instant, too excited to feel my knee throb.
“Yeah, I’m fine!”
I grabbed her hand again as I heard my Aunt shout up the stairs again.
“Lilly Maria Prescott, what are you doing?!”
“Nothing, Auntie!”
This time, May led the way to her room; the one at the end of the five foot hallway.
“Why are we running?” May asked, confused.
“I have to show you something!” I whispered as I shut the door behind us.
I skip to her bed and jump onto it, patting the blanket.
“Come sit!” I say as she’s walking toward me.
May jumps onto my lap and I push her off of me as we lie down on our stomachs, facing each other.
“Whaddya want me to see?” she asks, poking my nose.
I reach behind me and pull the small sphere out of my back pocket. Then I quickly move my arm in front of my face and cover the rest of the Pokeball with my other hand.
“Guess!”
May stared at my hands.
Then the guessing began.
“Is it a rock?”
“Nope!”
“A grepa berry?”
I snickered. “Nuh-uh.”
“A pair of socks?”
“Not even close!”
“Uh . . .”
I smiled impatiently.
“Done guessing?”
. . .
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Lilly!”
“C’mon, guess one more time!”
May sighed loudly and looked at my hands one more time, pushing her brown, shoulder length hair behind her ears and propping herself up with her elbows.
“I’ll give you a hint . . .”
Keeping my hands together, I used the wall to help myself sit up.
“What’s red and white and catches Pokemon?”
May’s eye’s widened comically as she gasped.
“Your aunt got you a Pokemon?!”
“Well . . .”
I let my right hand drop to my side again, revealing the little ball.
“She got me a Pokeball, but there’s nothing in it.”
May sat on her knees.
“I don’t get it.”
I blinked. “What do you mean?”
“It’s just a Pokeball, isn’t it?”
I smiled again.
“Nope! Do you know why this one’s special?”
“You’re not going to make me guess, are you?”
I snorted with laughter; we both did.
“Nah, I won’t make you do that again. This Pokeball’s special because I’m going to catch my first Pokemon with it!”
May gasped again and clapped her hands.
“Really?!”
“Really!” I exclaimed.
“Oh my gosh, that’s so awesome!”
“I know!”
I practically knocked her over when I hugged her excitedly. She hugged back. We sat there hugging and saying how awesome this was for the next five minutes.
When I’d gotten all my excitement out, I let her go and just stared at the little Pokeball.
“Did you ever know that they were invented by a professor living in the Kanto Region?”
May nodded eagerly.
“Yup! Daddy told me one time . . . he said he was very smart.”
“Yeah . . .”
We stared at the Pokeball again. It was another minute before May spoke up.
“Do you know which Pokemon you’re going to get with it?” May asked, scooting over so that she was sitting next to me.
“I’d thought about it . . . I think I’m going to get a Poochyena with Auntie’s Clefairy.”
“Aren’t they Dark Types?”
“Well . . . yeah . . . why?”
“I dunno . . .”
May shuddered. “Those Pokemon scare me a little.”
I shrugged. “I think it’s a good type.”
“If you say so,” she shrugged back.
I turned the Pokeball in my hands, flipping it from the red side to the white side, and back again.
It was then that May suddenly tapped my shoulder.
“Huh?”
I looked up. She was smirking at me.
“Why are you smiling like that?” I asked, sitting on my rear.
May put both her hands on my shoulders and stared into my eyes.
“You’re my bestest friend, right?”
“No!”
May shrank away from me, and the look of shock on her face was absolutely priceless.
“What?”
I leaned forward and hugged her again. “You’re like my sister!”
May giggled and hugged back.
“Well,” she let me go, her eyes sparkling with excitement, “I think we should make a promise to each other.”
“Why?”
“Because my Mommy did that when she was little with her friend!”
“What kind of promise are you talking about?” I asked.
May smiled broadly.
“Let’s promise,” she whispered, “that we’ll both become the best of the best.”
I felt my eyebrows furrow together.
“The best of the best?”
“Yeah!”
She started bouncing up and down. “You’ll become the best Pokemon Trainer, and I’ll become the best Pokemon Coordinator!”
I gasped, finally getting it.
“Oh, yes!” I squealed.
May stopped bouncing and held out her hands. “Ready?”
I blink. “What are we doing?”
Her hands shook impatiently. “Gimme your hands, Lilly!”
I quickly grabbed May’s hands with my own. “Why?”
“My Mommy used to do this with me all the time . . .”
May shut her eyes. I did the same.
“I’ll start.”
After clearing her throat, May began to speak:
“I, May Nicole Emeralde, promise to become the best Pokemon Coordinator in the entire world.”
There was a silence.
“Lilly, now you say your line!”
“Oh!”
I cleared my throat too. “I, Lilly Maria Prescott, promise to become the best Pokemon Trainer in the entire world, because I love Poke--”
“That’s it!”
“Oh . . .”
I opened my eyes, but May began to speak once more.
“Now just repeat after me, okay?”
Shutting my eyes, I say “Okay”.
“And we promise . . .”
“And we promise . . .”
“To become the best of the best . . .”
“To become the best of the best . . .”
“And experience many adventures . . .”
“And experience many adventures . . .”
“Together!”
“Together!”
“We’re done!”
“We’re done!”
“You can stop repeating after me now . . .”
“Sorry.”
I opened my eyes and saw May’s blue ones.
I grinned and squeezed her hands.
She did the same.
“The best of the best . . .”
I could hardly contain my excitement at that prospect.
“Together!”
“Yes!”
“Lilly, May, come back down and fine Max’s glasses!”
“Uh-oh,” I said, letting go of May’s hands.
“Looks like we have to go on another adventure first!” May laughed as she leapt off the bed.
I laughed too as we hurried out of the room and down the stairs to begin our first “adventure” together.
__________________
Lilly

My fanfic idea: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=233687

My fanfic prologue: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=233684
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old October 10th, 2010, 07:52 PM
Dagzar's Avatar
Dagzar
The Dreamer
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my dreams.
Gender: Female
Nature: Relaxed
Hi, Lilly. I don’t review much anymore, but I noticed your story and I thought it was pretty cute, so I was practically forced to make a review~

First off, every time you finish a paragraph, double-space. While your way is how it’s done in novels, it’s hard to read it like that on a computer screen. Double-spacing makes it way easier to read. So, if you were to double-space it, your first few lines in your prologue would look like this:

Quote:
I CAN’T REMEMBER HATING ANYTHING MORE THAN THE PARALYZED UNIVERSE.

I hate it all. I hate that there’s no light. I hate that it’s cold. I hate that there’s no life of any sort. And most of all, I hate that there’s no hope. I can feel the weight of hopelessness in the air and taste it when I breathe. I’m not even sure why there’s air here. It’s not like anyone’s alive. The Paralyzed Universe’s only inhabitants are bad souls. What’s the point?

I hate how I’m griping so much.

At least I’m not doing it aloud. That’s a good thing, I guess. I wouldn’t want to wake anybody else up.

But now that I’m thinking about all this, I can’t go back to sleep. Not like I could sleep well, anyway, in this frozen wasteland; even with three blankets.

I could try looking at the positives. Let’s start with I’m not alone. All my dearest friends are with me. Although I asked them not to come. Well asked is an understatement . . .

There I go again with my griping.
The other major problem I see is that you switch from present tense to past tense often. Like, this is present tense:

Quote:
When I think I look presentable enough, I take the silver chain in my hands again and run it through my fingers, feeling it slide like water.
While this is past tense:

Quote:
I carried her squealing all the way to May’s house, where Aunt Clair was.
Before posting, make sure to read over your work to catch all those pesky grammar and tense errors. By the way, Hoenn is spelled ‘Hoenn’, not ‘Honnen’. If you ever have trouble spelling things like Pokemon names and places, just go to website like Serebii which lists the Pokemon and place names.

I do have to commend you, though. Your description is very good and overall you write rather well. Much better when I was your age. The interaction between Lilly and May is absolutely adorable and I’m wondering what Pokemon that Lilly is going to start with. I actually kind of hope it’s a Poochyena because I don’t see them much in fics. And they’re my favorite dark-type Pokemon ever. <_<

Keep writing! I’ll be looking forward to your updates~
__________________
"After being saddled with two ten-year-old brats and being sent out on her long overdue Pokemon journey, she can’t help but wonder… is it worth it?"
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old October 11th, 2010, 01:49 AM
Lilly2
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Gender: Female
Send a message via Skype™ to Lilly2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagzar View Post
Hi, Lilly. I don’t review much anymore, but I noticed your story and I thought it was pretty cute, so I was practically forced to make a review~

First off, every time you finish a paragraph, double-space. While your way is how it’s done in novels, it’s hard to read it like that on a computer screen. Double-spacing makes it way easier to read. So, if you were to double-space it, your first few lines in your prologue would look like this:



The other major problem I see is that you switch from present tense to past tense often. Like, this is present tense:

While this is past tense:

Before posting, make sure to read over your work to catch all those pesky grammar and tense errors. By the way, Hoenn is spelled ‘Hoenn’, not ‘Honnen’. If you ever have trouble spelling things like Pokemon names and places, just go to website like Serebii which lists the Pokemon and place names.

I do have to commend you, though. Your description is very good and overall you write rather well. Much better when I was your age. The interaction between Lilly and May is absolutely adorable and I’m wondering what Pokemon that Lilly is going to start with. I actually kind of hope it’s a Poochyena because I don’t see them much in fics. And they’re my favorite dark-type Pokemon ever. <_<

Keep writing! I’ll be looking forward to your updates~
Oh my goodness this post makes me so happy! Thank you so much! I have, unfortunately, caught myself a couple of times...so i'll be sure to check more frequently!
Thanks again!
__________________
Lilly

My fanfic idea: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=233687

My fanfic prologue: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=233684
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links


Advertise here
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 12:05 PM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.