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Old December 5th, 2011 (04:41 PM). Edited November 26th, 2012 by Soul Saint.
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Within the region of Kanto are many trainers, aspiring to various goals: To be masters, for the thrill, to travel and see the world, to become great breeders, and many more. This story is of a young boy named Kira, of his adventures and his life...


Life and Times of Kira
Day 1: Prelude


"GET OUT OF MY WAY!" a young girl shouted, her voice echoing around a valley at the base of Mount Moon. "If you don't move, I'll-"

"You'll do what, exactly? Your Nidoran is over-worked and needs to go to a Pokemon Center. You couldn't fight your way past me right now," the girl would then be interrupted by a young boy with light blue hair. His tone is of anger, and worry. "If you want to battle me then go back to the city and rest first. You've been out here for as long as I have, your Pokemon is too tired to fight anymore. Listen to me, Viv." He'd fold his arms as he finishes speaking. His gaze would fall onto the Nidoran owned by the girl, 'Viv'.

Pouting, the girl would return her Nidoran to it's ball. Storming off without another word, the boy would sigh in relief once she was out of ear shot – His Mankey would pat him on the head as it sighed with him. Turning his head to his friend, “Viv still doesn't get how to raise her Pokemon buddy...should we stick near her? Can always leave her be and see how sh-,” before he could even finish speaking, he'd hear the sound of movement behind him – As well as the sound of cloth tearing apart. Looking back toward where he had laid down his travel-sack, he'd notice a Spearow using one of it's talons to tear it open.

His right eye would twitch as he gave a command, “Mankey, use Sand-Attack!” Jumping down from the boy's shoulder the Pokemon's body would move swiftly; Landing onto the ground, it would scoop up some dirt in it's hand as it charged towards the Spearow, tossing it towards the other Pokemon's eyes once it was close enough. Spearow would begin to flap it's wings rapidly in a blind rage, attempting to gain the upper hand by getting higher up. “Use Scratch now! Try to keep it close buddy!” Before it could get even a few inches off the ground, the Spearow would be knocked right into the ground. Mankey would be gazing down at the bird-Pokemon intently; Awaiting either orders or for it's opponent to retaliate.

For a brief few moments neither side budged. That is until Spearow let out a high-pitched cry. With their eyes wide, the boy would quickly grab up his sack, his Mankey scooping up dirt in it's left palm as it clambers up onto the boys shoulder. He'd begin to run off without glancing back to see if any Spearow had begun chasing them. Further down the road the pair could see Viv; Her arms would appear to be crossed as she kicks a rock as she walks. Not but a moment after she came into sight did the sound of many flapping wings reach their ear's. The boy would shout out towards Viv in a rushed tone, “VIV! Run! Spearow-flock!”

She'd turn around to him with a gaze of anger directed towards him, “KIRA! If you even spe-,” as she had begun shouting, Viv noticed not just the boy running towards her direction – But a somewhat large flock of maybe twenty or thirty Spearow flying behind him. Her eye's would go wide as she turns back and starts sprinting toward the city.

In a matter of moments Kira had caught up with her, his Mankey resting on his left shoulder with an arm would the top of his head. Glancing back for a brief moment he'd see a man wearing a red-wool hat, dreesed in baggy cargo pants and a faded yellow shirt walking towards the flock. He'd come to a stop to turn back around – His mouth opening to shout just as the man sent out a Ryhorn. Not even a second out of it's Pokeball had it let out a nerve-wrecking roar at the flock's direction. Cries of panic would echo throughout the area as the Spearow turn away in fear; Flapping back to the east where the had just come from. Panting, the boy would fall to the ground, laying on his back with his eye's shut – His Mankey resting against his ribs beside him. Kira would take note of Viv moving to the ground, panting as he was.

As his head rose up to back look at where the man had just been, he'd see that the figure had disappeared from view along with his Ryhorn. There were various tree's lining the sides of the road as well as plenty of boulders the figure could have moved behind. It was at this time Kira took note of the sunset – The last warmth of the day from suns rays was welcomed after the chase had ended. With a long sigh, he fell back to rest his head on the dirt path. Silence surrounded him now; Mankey had fallen asleep against him, Viv hadn't even uttered a word for quite sometime now. He wasn't sure if she was still awake either.

Clearing his throat, he'd speak up in a tired, hoarse voice, “Hey, Viv...? You still there...?”. She didn't respond. Turning his to his left and craning his neck back, Kira could see the girl off in the distance. Not that far from him - Just about ten meters. Shifting his attention back to himself and Mankey, he'd scoop up his buddy in his left arm. Rolling his body to push himself up with his right arm, Kira started to walk briskly towards the Pokemon Center in Pewter city. With his stomach growling, a wince passed across his face: Once he was inside the Center, he'd no doubt meet a furious force. There's truly no rest for that wicked thing when she gets pissed off, he thought to himself. At least I'll have a hot meal and be able to relax on some comfy cushions tonight.

The light from the lamp posts on the street corners illuminated his path. After a few minutes of walking, the Center came into his view and a soft smile appeared on his face a the passing of a gentle breeze. With a sigh Kira spoke to his Mankey, “Nice brisk air this evening. Our night may not be a nightmare once she gets a hold of us.” He'd give a hopeful smirk to his companion before setting his sights back onto their destination.





Authors Notes
Spoiler:

Hopefully the intro wasn't too short. This is my first fan-fic here, as well as my first post in section of the forum. The following portions after this will be longer with more-filling paragraphs. Not going to spoil what to expect of my style of writing - This was...albeit, a sloppy impression I think. Any and all feedback is appreciated, please remember to point out what you found to be wrong, questionable and/or what you liked.
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  #2    
Old December 5th, 2011 (07:16 PM). Edited December 6th, 2011 by psyanic.
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So it's a nice short entry chapter. I can see the nice relation, supposedly, between Kira and Viv. It's a bittersweet rivalry, and I kind of like to see those more often than not. But it could just end up with them traveling together. Who knows? You do. But I don't, so I'll have to find out later.

You introduced Flint in here, basing off that spoiler tag with "Character Descriptions", and be sure to explain why he's there. I bet you could have used some other character, preferably from Kanto, such as Lance or someone. And going on with the character spoiler tag, you don't really need it. I mean, we don't really care how tall Viv is, or her eye color, etc., unless it's relevant to the fanfic. If it's not related to the plot, then it's just kind of like candy, too much will make you fat. Okay not really, but you get the point.

Also, characters are better described by their... well... character. How they act is what defines them, not their hair color. So keep that in mind for future developments.

Quote originally posted by Soul Saint:
Pouting, the girl would return her Nidoran to it's ball.
The bolded part should be "its" since that is the form that represents possession. "It's" is the conjunction of "it is". This little grammar mishap happens a lot more further down the chapter, so be sure to brush it up a bit.

Quote originally posted by Soul Saint:
His right eye would twitch as he gave a command, “Mankey, use Sand-Attack!” Jumping down from the boy's shoulder the Pokemon's body would move swiftly; Landing onto the ground, it would scoop up some dirt in it's hand as it charged towards the Spearow, tossing it towards the other Pokemon's eyes once it was close enough. Spearow would begin to flap it's wings rapidly in a blind rage, attempting to gain the upper hand by getting higher up. “Use Scratch now! Try to keep it close buddy!” Before it could get even a few inches off the ground, the Spearow would be knocked right into the ground. Mankey would be gazing down at the bird-Pokemon intently; Awaiting either orders or for it's opponent to retaliate.
Right here, it's a massive block of text. That's actually not problem too much, but when you have different sets of dialogue spaced out with a huge description in the middle, it's better to keep the next bit of speaking on the next line. It's just neater that way, and you stuff in dialogue smack in the middle too.

Quote originally posted by Soul Saint:
For a brief few moments neither side budged. That is until Spearow let out a high-pitched cry. With their eyes wide, the boy would quickly grab up his sack, his Mankey scooping up dirt in it's left palm as it clambers up onto the boys shoulder.
For the bolded part, the "their eyes wide" would actually refer to the boy, which is not what you're intending on. You want to explain the Spearow, so you can add "with their eyes wide" to the end of the sentence before it, right after "pitched cry" and comma. Or better yet, stick the bolded part in front of the previous sentence so it's "With their eyes wide, the Spearow let out a high-pitched cry."

Quote originally posted by Soul Saint:
Further down the road the pair could see Viv; Her arms would appear to be crossed as she kicks a rock as she walks. Not but a moment after she came into sight did the sound of many flapping wings reach their ear's.
You have a semicolon, and the "Her" doesn't need to be capitalized since the semicolon makes it all technically in the same sentence. If you wanted to keep it capitalized, simply replace the semicolon with a period. As for the "ear's" it should just be "ears", since "ear's" is showing possession and there is not object for it.

Quote originally posted by Soul Saint:
She'd turn around to him with a gaze of anger directed towards him, “KIRA! If you even spe-,” as she had begun shouting,
"She'd" is "she would", but that's inconsistent with your tense. The correction would be "She turned around".

Quote originally posted by Soul Saint:
In a matter of moments Kira had caught up with her, his Mankey resting on his left shoulder with an arm would the top of his head.
Yeah, I don't think "would" is the correct verb for this. Try something like "around".

Quote originally posted by Soul Saint:
Glancing back for a brief moment he'd see a man wearing a red-wool hat, dreesed in baggy cargo pants and a faded yellow shirt walking towards the flock.
Bit of a typo here, the correct spelling is "dressed" with two s's, not two e's. Also, same circumstance as mentioned above with the "he'd see", it should just be "he saw", again following the tense. This happens more as you go through it.

Quote originally posted by Soul Saint:
He'd come to a stop to turn back around – His mouth opening to shout just as the man sent out a Ryhorn.
Probably a typo, but I'm going to point it out anyway. It is spelled "Rhyhorn".

Quote originally posted by Soul Saint:
Cries of panic would echo throughout the area as the Spearow turn away in fear; Flapping back to the east where the had just come from.
You used "as" in this sentence, so it should be "turned", again agreeing with the tense.

Quote originally posted by Soul Saint:
As his head rose up to back look at where the man had just been,
Switch the two words around so it's, "look back".

Quote originally posted by Soul Saint:
There were various tree's lining the sides of the road as well as plenty of boulders the figure could have moved behind.
Trees. No apostrophe.

So that's the majority of the spelling/grammar mistakes. A lot of them were repeating. Also, try to vary your sentences a bit. I saw that you used "As he was..." (or similar sentence) a lot. Keep it fresh, keep it new, keep it exciting.

There's not much else I can say since this is only chapter one. I'll look forward for your future chapters and keep writing!
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  #3    
Old December 6th, 2011 (08:55 AM).
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Thank you for pointing out my misuse of "it's". I know what conjunction it was of, but I decided to not proof-read this before posting this intro. My fault there. Before I post the next installment I will fix the intro properly. You also happen to miss two things:
Spoiler:
1 - When I used "With their eyes wide," it was meant as a description for both Kira and Mankey. Not the Spearow. This goes back to my lack of having proof-read this before posting. It was meant to be a quick, short introduction to the fan-fic. Wanted it out in the open here for some reviews. Opposed from the odd friend or two I tend to ask for their opinion of my work. There was a general lack on my part of expressing how the Spearows appeared. Once I have the next chapter ready to post I'll fix the intro.

2 - The gender of the Nidoran I forgot to mention.


Thank you for pointing out as many things as you had. But you didn't get how I meant descriptions which isn't your fault. I understand how to express my characters personality, which by all means is the larger part of their description as a character. The other information I provided could be relevant to some people. If there are any people that enjoy RP'ing then they may like to know how tall someone is or what they wear so they can have a clearer visual of what a character looks like physically. To write is to tell a story, a story that sparks imagination in the readers of how something appears to them. What a character wears can show many different things: Personality, life-style, wealth, etc. Gives more to the reader in order to guess what any one character may be inclined to do or not to do.

If you are familiar with D&D or have heard of a game called "Neverwinter Nights", a lot of my mistakes in this intro come from being on Role Play servers as a DM(Dungeon Master) and a player. "He'd see" being a good example, or one that has annoyed me greatly after looking over the intro is how many times I used the word "Would". Many of the mistakes throughout this intro would have been fixed if I just proof-read it. My buddy's impatience must have rubbed off on me last night.

Thank you again for your post and pointing out a lot of typo's. I feel a bit embarrassed due to how the intro currently is. Probably will edit this tomorrow when I've got the time to do so.
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  #4    
Old December 6th, 2011 (07:18 PM).
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Yeah, just be sure to proof-read before posting. You should be doing this to begin with.

I know you didn't mention the Nidoran's gender, but I didn't care enough to bother since we'll find out later anyway when it could evolve or something. Why leave out the fun of reading? Mystery is something to look forward to. If you really wanted to, you could have just used the coloring and that would be ample description instead of putting in that male/female character after the Nidoran.

The thing with "their eyes wide," the subsequent text only states the boy and his Mankey in separate clauses. It just doesn't feel right. I mean you could just say after "wide", "the boy and his Mankey ran as hard as they could, running from the caws of the Spearow." Then say he picked up his bag and Mankey used Sand-Attack. It's just too much for one sentence, in my view.

The thing with the character descriptions isn't needed. There's a fine line between role-plays and story writing. You said it sparks imagination, however, I disagree. When a good author writes a story and describes a character, they drop little hints at what they look like. For instance, I recently read a book about a traveling girl in an alternate universe. There were slave traders and they commonly referred to her as beautiful, though seemingly fitting in the desert landscape. The author also mentioned she had darker skin and was round-eyed. That was it. The rest was up to the reader. That is imagination because her image is up to the reader's impression.

Besides, you said that information was useful to some people, not all. It's useless in my honest opinion. It's words filling up the page, in this case a spoiler tag. I mean you even put weight in there. The numbers can easily be converted into more entertaining qualitative descriptions. Also, your facts are not very consistent with the numbers to begin with now that I'm actually looking at it. Kira is 5'7, but weighs 156 pounds. He has a slim build, but not much muscle. He's not fat, nor muscular, and weighs 156 pounds. He weighs more than me by a good ten pounds, and I have 4 inches on him. I don't call myself very skinny at all, and my doctor agrees with me. I'd just like to point that out.

Okay, so my whole post summarized about the description tag, you don't need it. If you really want to describe the attire, stick it in your story. I'll be honest here, I hate it when authors stick the specific descriptions like characters are for Christmas Presents, needing a specific amount of wrapping.

Here is a nice little do/not to do list when describing characters.

This is also a nice little article. If you insist on describing a character, at least have the decency to put it in the story.
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