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  #1    
Old January 4th, 2011 (12:06 PM).
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Scytheteen Scytheteen is offline
What is mine is yours
 
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This is another poem I wrote about a year ago. We had a writing assignment in a creative writing class I took to write on ode, lets see if you can figure out what this is really an ode to. it's pretty obvious

Ode to a Blackberry

My mother brought you home one day
I was full of joy and praise for her.
She pulled you out of her bag
And handed me the dream filled box.

That box and most of it's innards were quickly shooed away
and I quickly had you in my hands.

Blue skin, with a cold touch
and smooth all the way around.

I turned you on, and oh, how stubborn you were!
It took you so long to finally turn on, it drove me mad.
And then finally I saw you're main purpose.

I explored you, every part of your body,
Picking your brain for all that you had.

But now, you're just an old man,
Complete with life experiences.
Your memory is low,
and you barely can stay awake.
You move slowly and lag, and it's a pain to take care of you.

But despite the time I waste with you,
I still love and adore you, my Blackberry

***

Tell me what you think! This one got a lot of feedback from my class, and I'd like to know what you guys think too!
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  #2    
Old January 5th, 2011 (07:44 PM).
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TJgamer TJgamer is offline
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That was brilliantly amusing!
I really liked it!
Great work!

What did your class think?
Poetry can be sacred,
It has power that I know,
Learn to like it,
and its beauty will really show.


I believe in Jesus Christ. If you do too, and aren't scared to admit it, then put this in your signature.
  #3    
Old January 5th, 2011 (08:41 PM).
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Scytheteen Scytheteen is offline
What is mine is yours
 
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Thanks TJ, you're comments are always so nice! I was always shy in the class, though, I rarely shared. But at the end of the year the school publishes a literary journal, and this poem, "Beautiful Ice" and one other poem I wrote were all published!

Did you happen to pick up on what the poem was actually about?
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  #4    
Old January 6th, 2011 (12:52 AM).
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Quote:
Did you happen to pick up on what the poem was actually about?
Ehhhhh.......no.
Either there's something I don't know, or my ignorance is taking effect again. :cer_blush:
Poetry can be sacred,
It has power that I know,
Learn to like it,
and its beauty will really show.


I believe in Jesus Christ. If you do too, and aren't scared to admit it, then put this in your signature.
  #5    
Old January 6th, 2011 (03:29 AM).
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Regeneration Regeneration is offline
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To me, sentence formation seems to be the primary issue with this poem. For example, this line,
Quote:
She pulled you out of her bag
You've put it in a really straight forward manner. Instead while writing poems, one should always try to arrange words in such a manner that you get the poetic feel to it. Get what I mean? Perhaps no... Look at the same sentence this way: "Out of the bag she lurched you." Does it sound slightly better?

Also, try to form poetic devices. Alliteration is the easiest to begin with, so try to incorporate these qualities in your poems. Otherwise, they are just walls of text.

I don't give nice comments, so sad? :(
xD
  #6    
Old January 6th, 2011 (03:43 AM).
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TJgamer TJgamer is offline
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Quote:
I don't give nice comments, so sad?
xD
Not nice? ...Maybe.

Helpful? Yes!
Poetry can be sacred,
It has power that I know,
Learn to like it,
and its beauty will really show.


I believe in Jesus Christ. If you do too, and aren't scared to admit it, then put this in your signature.
  #7    
Old January 6th, 2011 (04:03 AM).
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Scytheteen Scytheteen is offline
What is mine is yours
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Regeneration View Post
To me, sentence formation seems to be the primary issue with this poem. For example, this line,
You've put it in a really straight forward manner. Instead while writing poems, one should always try to arrange words in such a manner that you get the poetic feel to it. Get what I mean? Perhaps no... Look at the same sentence this way: "Out of the bag she lurched you." Does it sound slightly better?

Also, try to form poetic devices. Alliteration is the easiest to begin with, so try to incorporate these qualities in your poems. Otherwise, they are just walls of text.

I don't give nice comments, so sad?
xD
No, no! These are nice comments! I love getting feedback on how to improve. And ik what you're talking about with that line, I didn't like it either, I just couldn't figure it out.
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