Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Reload this Page Ode to a Blackberry

Notices
For all updates, view the main page.

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.



Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old January 4th, 2011 (12:06 PM).
Scytheteen's Avatar
Scytheteen Scytheteen is offline
What is mine is yours
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: NY
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Lax
Posts: 1,302
Send a message via AIM to Scytheteen Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Scytheteen Send a message via Yahoo to Scytheteen
This is another poem I wrote about a year ago. We had a writing assignment in a creative writing class I took to write on ode, lets see if you can figure out what this is really an ode to. it's pretty obvious

Ode to a Blackberry

My mother brought you home one day
I was full of joy and praise for her.
She pulled you out of her bag
And handed me the dream filled box.

That box and most of it's innards were quickly shooed away
and I quickly had you in my hands.

Blue skin, with a cold touch
and smooth all the way around.

I turned you on, and oh, how stubborn you were!
It took you so long to finally turn on, it drove me mad.
And then finally I saw you're main purpose.

I explored you, every part of your body,
Picking your brain for all that you had.

But now, you're just an old man,
Complete with life experiences.
Your memory is low,
and you barely can stay awake.
You move slowly and lag, and it's a pain to take care of you.

But despite the time I waste with you,
I still love and adore you, my Blackberry

***

Tell me what you think! This one got a lot of feedback from my class, and I'd like to know what you guys think too!
__________________
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old January 5th, 2011 (07:44 PM).
TJgamer's Avatar
TJgamer TJgamer is offline
A Pokémon Poet
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 1,090
That was brilliantly amusing!
I really liked it!
Great work!

What did your class think?
__________________
Poetry can be sacred,
It has power that I know,
Learn to like it,
and its beauty will really show.


I believe in Jesus Christ. If you do too, and aren't scared to admit it, then put this in your signature.
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old January 5th, 2011 (08:41 PM).
Scytheteen's Avatar
Scytheteen Scytheteen is offline
What is mine is yours
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: NY
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Lax
Posts: 1,302
Send a message via AIM to Scytheteen Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Scytheteen Send a message via Yahoo to Scytheteen
Thanks TJ, you're comments are always so nice! I was always shy in the class, though, I rarely shared. But at the end of the year the school publishes a literary journal, and this poem, "Beautiful Ice" and one other poem I wrote were all published!

Did you happen to pick up on what the poem was actually about?
__________________
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old January 6th, 2011 (12:52 AM).
TJgamer's Avatar
TJgamer TJgamer is offline
A Pokémon Poet
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 1,090
Quote:
Did you happen to pick up on what the poem was actually about?
Ehhhhh.......no.
Either there's something I don't know, or my ignorance is taking effect again. :cer_blush:
__________________
Poetry can be sacred,
It has power that I know,
Learn to like it,
and its beauty will really show.


I believe in Jesus Christ. If you do too, and aren't scared to admit it, then put this in your signature.
Reply With Quote
  #5    
Old January 6th, 2011 (03:29 AM).
Regeneration's Avatar
Regeneration Regeneration is offline
meow
Silver Tier
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Somewhere I Belong
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Posts: 1,409
To me, sentence formation seems to be the primary issue with this poem. For example, this line,
Quote:
She pulled you out of her bag
You've put it in a really straight forward manner. Instead while writing poems, one should always try to arrange words in such a manner that you get the poetic feel to it. Get what I mean? Perhaps no... Look at the same sentence this way: "Out of the bag she lurched you." Does it sound slightly better?

Also, try to form poetic devices. Alliteration is the easiest to begin with, so try to incorporate these qualities in your poems. Otherwise, they are just walls of text.

I don't give nice comments, so sad? :(
xD
Reply With Quote
  #6    
Old January 6th, 2011 (03:43 AM).
TJgamer's Avatar
TJgamer TJgamer is offline
A Pokémon Poet
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 1,090
Quote:
I don't give nice comments, so sad?
xD
Not nice? ...Maybe.

Helpful? Yes!
__________________
Poetry can be sacred,
It has power that I know,
Learn to like it,
and its beauty will really show.


I believe in Jesus Christ. If you do too, and aren't scared to admit it, then put this in your signature.
Reply With Quote
  #7    
Old January 6th, 2011 (04:03 AM).
Scytheteen's Avatar
Scytheteen Scytheteen is offline
What is mine is yours
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: NY
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Lax
Posts: 1,302
Send a message via AIM to Scytheteen Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Scytheteen Send a message via Yahoo to Scytheteen
Quote originally posted by Regeneration:
To me, sentence formation seems to be the primary issue with this poem. For example, this line,
You've put it in a really straight forward manner. Instead while writing poems, one should always try to arrange words in such a manner that you get the poetic feel to it. Get what I mean? Perhaps no... Look at the same sentence this way: "Out of the bag she lurched you." Does it sound slightly better?

Also, try to form poetic devices. Alliteration is the easiest to begin with, so try to incorporate these qualities in your poems. Otherwise, they are just walls of text.

I don't give nice comments, so sad?
xD
No, no! These are nice comments! I love getting feedback on how to improve. And ik what you're talking about with that line, I didn't like it either, I just couldn't figure it out.
__________________
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links

You may also like.. (Beta)
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25

Forum Jump


All times are UTC -8. The time now is 07:31 PM.