Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Reload this Page [Pokémon] The Ash Ketchum Chronicles (PG-14)

Notices
For all updates, view the main page.

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.



Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old September 2nd, 2010 (07:04 PM).
Jabberwocky's Avatar
Jabberwocky Jabberwocky is offline
Beausoleil
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Silicon Hills, Texas
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 89
This is a reposted fic from Bulbagarden Forums (written by me, of course. Plagiarism is wrong >:O). It's a prequel to another fic you'll hear from eventually. Ash and his pals are all 16, except for Brock who is 18 and Tracey, who's 17. BE WARNED: it contains Shipping.

Enjoy~!

Chapter One: The Dating Game


Pallet Town. The quaint little town was quiet as always. Not a lot happened in Pallet Town, but it was well-known as the home of the Oak Corral, the workplace of the revered Pokemon Professor Samuel Oak. This was the home of Ash Ketchum, a sixteen-year-old Pokemon Trainer with big dreams: to become the greatest Pokemon Master the world would ever know. After several months of traveling in the far-away Biru region, he had returned home to Pallet Town to rest. His constant companion, the Pikachu he had received from Professor Oak six years ago sat on his shoulder. As he approached his house, Ash was flush with confidence. His mother and friends didn't know that he was arriving home today. His arrival would be a surprise.

He creaked open the door to his home. Upstairs, he could hear his mother working, no doubt on new clothes for him. He tiptoed up the staircase and snuck into his mother's sewing room. His hunch had been right- his mother, Delia, was hard at work on a black jacket. Not making a sound, Ash crept behind Delia and tapped her on the shoulder. She jumped and accidentally pricked her finger on her needle. Sticking her finger in her mouth, she spun around with an angry look on her face which quickly disappeared when she saw who she was looking at.

"Ash!" she exclaimed. Ash held out his arms and she hugged him, squeezing him tightly. She let go of him in order to see him better. "You've been gone for so long," she said quietly. "I've got to tell your friends!"

"Yeah, sure," said Ash, although his attention was elsewhere. For at that moment, a young woman was running toward the Ketchum house.

The girl had long, flowing black hair, neatly straightened. She wore a black dress, which ended in a short pink skirt. a red scarf was tied around her neck. Ash recognized her immediately as his old friend Dawn.

He heard a knock at the door, which he guessed meant that Dawn had arrived. Ash nodded at his mother and went downstairs to answer the door.

The door opened and immediately Dawn hugged Ash. "Whoa there," laughed Ash, "I assume you're happy to see me?" Dawn looked up and smiled. "You don't know the half of it!" she proclaimed. She let go of Ash and stared at him. "My mother and I moved here three weeks ago," she explained. "I've been waiting for you ever since!" Ash was flattered that Dawn had waited so long. It had been months since he had last seen her; she had grown very beautiful since then. Just then, he noticed that Dawn was blushing.

"What is it?" he questioned. Dawn gulped and started avoiding loking directly at Ash. "Um, well..." she began. "Would you... that is, if you're not doing anything later..." She took a deep breath. "Would you consider going on a date with me?"

Ash was taken aback. He didn't know what to say, so he just scratched his neck and stammered, "Um... okay. Yeah. Yeah, sure Dawn, I'll go out with you."

Dawn squealed. "Thank you!" she said, hugging Ash again. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to ask you that!" Ash's face felt red: now he was the one who was blushing.

****

Later, Ash was with all of the friends he had made over the yearsrofessor Oak, his grandson Gary, Misty, Brock, Tracey Sketchit, May, Max, Drew, Dawn, Barry, and others. They were all congratulating him on his standing in the Biru League: he had been in the top four. He felt someone tap him on his shoulder. He turned around to find Misty, the first person who had ever traveled with him, facing him, biting her lip nervously.

"Hi," she said simply. "Uh... hi," Ash replied. Misty twiddled her thumbs. "So..." she stammered, "Um... if you're not doing anything later, would- would you like to go get some dinner? With me, I mean."

Ash gulped. "Sorry," he said apologetically, "But I... I already agreed to go out with Dawn. Maybe some other time?"

Misty sighed. "That's okay," she said sadly. "Have fun on your date." she suddenly ran off. "Misty!" said Ash, startled. "Misty, wait! Come back!" But it was too late.

****

Misty slid herself down against a wall near the cottage she was renting for her stay in Pallet Town. Tears streamed down from her eyes as she sniffled pitifully. So this is it, she thought. Ash isn't available anymore. That floozy Dawn got to him first! Misty felt bad for herself. She didn't really think that of Dawn. She was just upset that after six years of working up the nerve to ask Ash out, he already had plans with Dawn.

This isn't fair, she thought miserably. I saw Ash first, that means I should get first dibs! She wiped the tears from her eyes. It's only one date, she thought, a little more cheerfully. Maybe I can ask him out tomorrow. She got back up and headed for her cottage, ready for a nice long nap.

****

"Sir?" asked the grunt as he stepped into Giovanni's office. The grunt was a member of Team Rocket, a criminal organization with hundreds of branches and outposts spanning the globe. The head of Team Rocket was Giovanni, and the grunt was here to recieve instructions on Team Rocket's latest plan.

"Sir, I'm here for my instructions."

Giovanni glanced over at the grunt and twitched a nostril. "For our plan to succeed," he began, "We need money. Here are your instructions." The grunt listened carefully, and when Giovanni was finished, he left the office to assemble his very own platoon of fellow grunts. His mission was simple: rob as many banks and businesses as possible.

His target was some backwater town he'd barely heard of. A town called Pallet.

****

Dawn was busy. She simply had to pick out the perfect outfit for her date with Ash Ketchum. She couldn't decide on a dress. Though it took nearly an hour, she eventually narrowed it down to two dresses. One was a simple blue dress, with rhinestones adorning the sleeves. The other was more formal, a bright green gown with a sash running around the waist. A flower pattern ran along either side. She eventually decided upon the blue dress, if only for its simplicity. She heard a knock at the door, and quickly dressed. After getting the dress on, applying some makeup and accessories, she rushed downstairs and opened the door.

It was Ash all right, but he was wearing what he always wore: a jacket covering a T-shirt, gloves, sneakers, and a baseball cap. Next to him, Dawn looked quite silly in her dress. She swallowed her embarrassment, though. A date with Ash was not an opportunity to be passed up. She extended her hand, which Ash awkwardly took. They got into a car belonging to Ash's mother (Ash had apparently gotten his driver's license in Biru), and set off for their date: dinner at Mr. Mime's, one of the fanciest eateries in Pallet Town.

****

Their date went rather smoothly. They had ample conversational material, seeing as they both had a lot of catching up to do, and their meal was satisfying, though Ash's decidedly unusual eating habits, which mainly consisted of stuffing as much food into his mouth as quickly as possible, put something of a damper on things.

As the dinner drew to a close, Dawn began laughing.

"What's wrong?" asked Ash.

"You idiot," she chuckled. "This is where you're supposed to kiss me!"

This made Ash slightly uncomfortable. "Oh," he said. He had never kissed a girl; he didn't know how. So he just imitated the movies: he slowly moved his head towards Dawn's as she did the same simultaneously, closing his eyes as he did so. Their lips were brushing up against each other, a crash came from outside. Ash pulled away immediately.

"What was that?" he asked in an urgent tone.

"I don't know," replied Dawn, though in her head she added, But it'd better have a good reason for interrupting my kiss!

Ash glanced outside. Several people in black uniforms stood in a mob-like group. They each had a red letter emblazoned on their chests: an R. Ash gasped.

"Team Rocket," he said breathlessly. "Team Rocket is here."


----------------------------------------------------------------

That's chapter one. Tell me what you think! Oh, and no, Pearl is not the main Shiping.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old September 3rd, 2010 (03:28 PM).
Blaziquaza's Avatar
Blaziquaza Blaziquaza is offline
...
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Whyalla, Australia
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 781
It actually sounds nice. Although, it can be a bit cliche for something like that to happen.
__________________
Everything you say to me pushes one step closer to the edge



And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe...

Steam IGN: Hybrid Theory
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old September 4th, 2010 (06:42 AM).
Jabberwocky's Avatar
Jabberwocky Jabberwocky is offline
Beausoleil
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Silicon Hills, Texas
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 89
Quote originally posted by Blaziquaza:
It actually sounds nice. Although, it can be a bit cliche for something like that to happen.
Oh, I'm aware. I revel in cliches, it's my bread and butter of fic writing.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old September 5th, 2010 (01:45 PM).
JX Valentine's Avatar
JX Valentine JX Valentine is offline
Your aquatic overlord
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Harassing Bill
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Posts: 3,281
Send a message via AIM to JX Valentine Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to JX Valentine
Man, it's been awhile since I've reviewed anything. It's also been awhile since I've read a shippy fic.

This = an interesting experience.

Quote originally posted by Jabberwocky:
His constant companion, the Pikachu he had received from Professor Oak six years ago sat on his shoulder.
Nitpick the first: You'll need a comma after "ago." Notice how you started off a parenthetical phrase right after companion? The other comma will signal that you're done with the phrase and that you're about to tell us what the Pikachu is doing right now.

Quote:
His arrival would be a surprise.
I feel like this phrase is actually a little bit redundant. After all, the sentence right before it (which also starts with the word "his") describes how no one knew that he's coming home today. This one describes that his arrival would be a surprise, but the surprise is because no one knew he's coming home today. If you just go with one sentence or the other, your writing will probably be a little more succinct, and succinct tends to pack more punch. (As in, you want to minimize the amount of filler you have in your writing. Otherwise, you end up with the written equivalent of the Johto seasons, and no one liked the Johto seasons as far as I know.)

Quote:
He tiptoed up the staircase and snuck into his mother's sewing room.
Side note about "snuck": Although it's technically acceptable (albeit obsolete compared to "sneaked"), it's considered informal. While writing shouldn't be stuffy and overly formal (especially to the point where you end up sounding more like a textbook than a person) unless that's actually your intention, the best way to convey a neutral narrator is by avoiding words that are considered to be borderline slang. Neutral narrators are good if you want to convey a serious moment: by keeping the tone neutral, you don't let the narrator color the events that it's telling the audience, if that makes sense.

Of course, this is also a nitpick, and if your other readers don't really care, you can ignore this point. The sticky thing about this one is the fact that "snuck" is probably commonly used among your audience, so a lot of people don't really even realize that it risks changing the tone of the narration.

Quote:
His hunch had been right- his mother, Delia, was hard at work on a black jacket.
Use a colon instead of a dash. Dashes are for parenthetical phrases like the one about Pikachu I had you surround with commas not too long ago. They can't separate two complete thoughts in a compound sentence.

Quote:
Ash held out his arms and she hugged him, squeezing him tightly. She let go of him in order to see him better.
I'd say break this into its own paragraph. See, at this point, you're actually deviating from one topic to another. (In this case, the first topic would be what Delia says, and the second topic would be what she and Ash do.) As a result, this part becomes a little awkward because you're trying to do too much in a single paragraph.

Quote:
"Yeah, sure," said Ash, although his attention was elsewhere. For at that moment, a young woman was running toward the Ketchum house.

The girl had long, flowing black hair, neatly straightened. She wore a black dress, which ended in a short pink skirt. a red scarf was tied around her neck. Ash recognized her immediately as his old friend Dawn.

He heard a knock at the door, which he guessed meant that Dawn had arrived. Ash nodded at his mother and went downstairs to answer the door.
Nitpick: Doesn't Dawn have blue hair?

Besides that, there's two awkward things about this part:

1. Ash was in the sewing room, and he wasn't looking out a window as far as we know. How was his attention diverted if he couldn't see Dawn arriving?

2. While I understand you wrote this fic way before the last episodes of the Diamond/Pearl arc, what's Dawn doing in Pallet Town? O_o The problem here is basically that every single person Ash traveled with except for Tracey went their separate ways at the end of one of Ash's regional tours. Brock goes off to pursue his dream (for the umpteenth time). Misty went back to the Cerulean Gym to serve as the gym leader. May started her own regional tours as a coordinator. Max went back to Hoenn, but fanon generally assumes that he eventually becomes a trainer himself (considering he promised Ralts he would). Dawn meanwhile? As far as we know, she started her own regional tours like May did because she has her own dreams of being a coordinator.

Her arrival out of the blue is compounded with the fact that no one knew Ash was coming home. If she was traveling and pursuing her own dream the way the others (well, except Misty) have, then she wouldn't know Ash was coming back to Pallet Town, so she wouldn't be in the area in the first place. If she decided to wait for him because she fell in love with him back when she was ten, then that becomes a little awkward because she'd have to ditch her passion for contests, which goes against the basic foundation of her character in canon. (Sure, there's growing up, but few people decide after a few years that they still like the same people they had crushes on when they were ten.) Of course, even then, you'd still have to figure out how to explain how she knew to come to the Ketchum residence right at that moment and why she didn't just intercept Ash if she noticed him earlier.

That's one problem I've always found with future fics. A lot of them don't seem to take into consideration the fact that the characters separate, that each of them have their own separate dreams and goals that they feel passionate about, and that growing up also means that people mature out of childhood crushes. While it's perfectly okay to have two characters meet up and realize that they still like each other after all those years (which is the basis of a number of some pretty cute romantic comedy films), writers who go into this genre just don't really acknowledge the fact that each character is a separate person, and as such, each separate person is likely to do their own separate things over any number of years (like the six that you're giving them).

As a note, I know that you offer an explanation to this point in the next paragraph, but I'll get to that in a moment. That and, well, Dawn giving up being a coordinator is about as likely as Ash giving up being a trainer. They have different personalities, sure, but they have a similar amount of passion for their respective fields.

Quote:
The door opened and immediately Dawn hugged Ash. "Whoa there," laughed Ash, "I assume you're happy to see me?" Dawn looked up and smiled. "You don't know the half of it!" she proclaimed.
Remember, whenever you have a new speaker, you'll need to start a new paragraph. It's not just a standard rule. It also helps the reader keep speakers straight. As in, if you just have one character speaking per paragraph, there's no question about who says what line. It also means you don't have to add in multiple dialogue tags.

You do this again later on in the fic, so I'll only mention it here.

Quote:
"My mother and I moved here three weeks ago," she explained.
See, aside from what I said earlier about how Dawn probably wouldn't give up contests and move back in with her mother, you also don't really offer much of an explanation for why Johanna feels the need to move to Kanto. She's a housewife who spent much of her time in Sinnoh, after all, so it's not like she absolutely has to move to a different region, particularly to Pallet Town. It just seems a little out of the blue, so it feels like this happened out of convenience. As in, it feels more like you had her family move just to put Dawn in the same town as Ash, rather than because of a bigger reason that would lead to a person moving (like a new job). You'll want to avoid doing things like that because it ends up making your plot seem a bit weaker than it can be. Your characters end up doing things for the sake of plugging up plot holes instead of doing what a person with their kinds of personality traits (what few the anime gives them at least) would do, and their reasons for doing them end up falling short of being solid explanations.

In other words, think carefully about your cast. Don't have characters do something for the convenience of plot or for plugging up plot holes. Have your characters do things based on what would be logical for them to do. If you need to figure out what would be logical for them, start off with what canon gives you and try to think about how a character would grow in six years from there. For example, sure, Dawn is ten when we leave her, but take her character anyway. Now, where would she logically be in six years? She has a passion for contests, she's very feminine, and she's pretty headstrong by the end of her arc. Wouldn't she be a mature young lady who's still a coordinator? If she's not, then why not? What is she doing instead? Why is she still hanging on to a crush she had when she was ten? Keep asking yourself those kinds of questions to figure out who she'd be at that point in the timeline. Don't be afraid to use other sixteen-year-old girls as models for her teenaged personality and identity. Use your own experiences to figure out who she'd be. Sure, the anime's not that great in terms of giving characters personalities, but it's part of fanfiction writing to put some life into canon characters without completely blowing off what canon gave us.

Quote:
Dawn gulped and started avoiding loking directly at Ash.
Remember to proofread carefully before posting, even if you're reposting a fic. If you need help spotting spelling errors, there's ways of doing that without running a full spell check (which would be annoying as all crap in a Pokémon fic, where half the words would be made up). Most word processors allow you to spell check as you type, which puts red squiggles under every word the dictionary doesn't recognize. Figure out how to turn that on and do so. After that, you should be able to see potential errors and correct typos.

Quote:
Later, Ash was with all of the friends he had made over the years:Professor Oak, his grandson Gary, Misty, Brock, Tracey Sketchit, May, Max, Drew, Dawn, Barry, and others.
First, be careful about your spacing. There should always be a space between a colon and another word, especially if you're posting on a forum. (The reason why I say especially there is because most forum codes tend to insert graphic smilies wherever there's a colon and a letter. In this case, you have :P instead of a colon and the word "Professor.")

Second, going back to that earlier rant, it doesn't really make sense to have all of these characters be in one place. ._. Barry doesn't even really care that much about Ash. While he doesn't hate him, it'd be a lot like having Ash invite Paul or Ritchie to the party.

Also, as I've said earlier, a lot of these characters are probably off doing their own things for the same reason Ash is still a trainer: because they all have their own separate goals. It'd take awhile for Ash to get in contact with half of them because a number of these dreams would require traveling a lot. May and Drew, for example, are traveling coordinators. Brock is a traveling breeder. Barry is a trainer, and Max is probably one too. Gary is a traveling researcher who works with different scientific facilities. The only two out of this list who are permanently in one location are Misty (and not even all the time, no less – not to mention she'd have to travel from Cerulean to be there), Tracey, and Professor Oak.

Again, this problem is compounded by the fact that no one knew he was coming home, so it'd be unlikely that they'd all be in one place as a result, assuming they are still pursuing their own respective dreams.

Quote:
They were all congratulating him on his standing in the Biru League: he had been in the top four.
I feel like the part about his standing came a bit out of the blue. Since it's pretty important to the backstory of where he's been, it might be better to mention it when you mention for the first time that he's coming home from his travels in the Biru region.

Quote:
He felt someone tap him on his shoulder. He turned around to find Misty, the first person who had ever traveled with him, facing him, biting her lip nervously.
Because this is a lot of short fragments separated by commas, you end up with a bit of a choppy feel. (Just try reading that aloud, pausing shortly at every comma. It doesn't quite sound right, does it?) My advice would be to replace the last comma with "and." That way, the phrase talks about what Ash sees in a big bundle, and the flow of the sentence is smoothed out a bit.

Quote:
"Sorry," he said apologetically, "But I... I already agreed to go out with Dawn. Maybe some other time?"
First, because you already have him saying sorry, you actually don't need to add in "apologetically." It just ends up being a little repetitive because "sorry" and "apologetically" basically convey the same idea.

Also, whenever you have a dialogue tag that's surrounded by commas, the first word after the tag should be lowercase unless it's a proper noun. The reason why is because if you take out the commas, the quotation marks, and the dialogue tag itself without keeping things lowercase, you end up with this:

Sorry, But I... I already agreed to go out with Dawn.

Notice the capital letter in the middle of the sentence? If you wanted to signal that there should be a period after "sorry," you'd have to instead place a period after the dialogue tag (the part that tells us – through things like "he said" or "she said" – how the quote is being spoken and by whom) to signal to the reader that the sentence is over. You actually do it correctly with this quote:

Quote:
"That's okay," she said sadly. "Have fun on your date."
See the difference?

Quote:
Misty slid herself down against a wall near the cottage she was renting for her stay in Pallet Town.
Pretty much the same problem as having Dawn move to Pallet Town. Misty didn't know Ash was coming back that day, so it seems weird that she left her post at the Cerulean Gym, rented a cottage, and waited for him without knowing if he was even going to show up. This is, of course, assuming that by "later," you didn't mean "weeks later" to allow Misty to receive some kind of word that Ash was back in Kanto and to travel to Pallet.

Quote:
I saw Ash first, that means I should get first dibs!
You'll need an exclamation point or a period where the comma is. Otherwise, you've got a comma splice on your hands. Notice how you end up with two complete sentences after putting in the period or exclamation mark? That's how you know you need to keep them separate.

Quote:
The grunt was a member of Team Rocket, a criminal organization with hundreds of branches and outposts spanning the globe. The head of Team Rocket was Giovanni, and the grunt was here to recieve instructions on Team Rocket's latest plan.
First off, again, remember to proofread for typos. (Receive. I before E except after C, unless sounding like "way" like in "neighbor" or "weigh." Unless it's "weird.")

Second, the explanation about Team Rocket strikes me as a little odd. I mean, you go into the fic without really explaining who Ash was, and although you offer a little bit of an explanation as to who Misty and Dawn were, you just assume that the readers already know them. However, with Team Rocket, one of the other main concepts to the Pokémon universe (one of the few people who aren't even fans know about), you actually explain that they're a criminal organization run by Giovanni. It just seems a little unnecessary because if the readers already know who Ash and company are, they probably already know all about Team Rocket.

In other words, you can cut yourself a little slack by assuming your readers know the basic concepts of a universe. Alternatively, if you're going to assume that they know one main character, it's okay to assume that they know an entire group of main characters.

Quote:
"For our plan to succeed," he began, "We need money. Here are your instructions."
What strikes me as weird about this is the fact that Team Rocket actually has money. It's just Jessie, James, and Meowth who don't. There's two reasons why I say this:

1. Team Rocket never seems to suffer much financial damage every time an expensive lab is leveled or an equally expensive operation gets dismantled by a group of preteens. In fact, the organization pretty much just cleans up the mess (to avoid getting shut down by the police) and starts in on a new operation almost immediately.

2. Giovanni himself is a pretty shrewd businessman. In the anime, he owns the Viridian Gym (which is apparently rebuilt by the Battle Frontier arc), a theme park, and (possibly) the S.S. Anne. Shortly put, he has a lot of money to throw around, and he has ways of making it back without much of a problem.

Quote:
His mission was simple: rob as many banks and businesses as possible.

His target was some backwater town he'd barely heard of. A town called Pallet.
Considering Pallet is pretty small compared to Celadon City (the business capital of Kanto), it's a bit strange that Team Rocket is striking there when there's more money to be made elsewhere.

Quote:
She simply had to pick out the perfect outfit for her date with Ash Ketchum. She couldn't decide on a dress.
This sounds like it might be better as a compound sentence with the word "but" in it. I say this because both sentences start with the word "she" (which invokes a sense of repetition if left as-is), and the first sentence (about how she was searching for the perfect outfit) and the second (about how she wasn't making progress because she couldn't decide on said perfect outfit) almost contradict each other in a way that would balance one another out in a single sentence, if that makes sense.

Quote:
One was a simple blue dress, with rhinestones adorning the sleeves.
No need for the comma. In most cases, prepositional phrases don't need commas in front of them.

Quote:
The other was more formal, a bright green gown with a sash running around the waist. A flower pattern ran along either side.
Try replacing the comma with a colon. You're separating a complete thought with a clarification.

Also, drop the period after "waist," replace it with "and," keep "a flower pattern" lowercase, and finish off by replacing "ran" with "running." I'm suggesting all of these changes so you can blend together both sentences about the single dress and avoid implying that a flower pattern ran along the sides of both dresses (unless that's what you meant).

Quote:
She heard a knock at the door, and quickly dressed.
No need for a comma. This isn't a compound. Note that "quickly dressed" is not a complete thought. You only need a comma before a conjunction – like "and" – if it's either a list of three or more items or a compound sentence.

Quote:
After getting the dress on, applying some makeup and accessories, she rushed downstairs and opened the door.
Try phrasing the last part of that list ("getting the dress on, applying some makeup and accessories") so that "accessories" is symmetrical to the other items in the list. What I mean is that the other items ("getting the dress on" and "applying some makeup") follow the formula of verb-ing + noun. To avoid making the reader feel like "applying some makeup and accessories" is supposed to be a parenthetical (i.e., phrase that doesn't have to be part of the sentence), you'll need to get "accessories" to follow the same formula. Perhaps say "adding some accessories"?

Quote:
They got into a car belonging to Ash's mother (Ash had apparently gotten his driver's license in Biru), and set off for their date:
Side note about driver's licenses: You need a permanent residence for it, and you need to apply in the state/region/country where your permanent residence is located. It's got something to do with the paperwork, really.

Also, similar story to what I said earlier about compound sentences. If you took out the parentheses and the stuff inside them, you might be able to see what I mean a bit clearer. Notice how "set off for their date" isn't a complete sentence, although "they got into a car belonging to Ash's mother" is?

Quote:
Their lips were brushing up against each other, a crash came from outside.
It might be better (and it might help you avoid a comma splice) if you added "as" at the very beginning of this sentence. That way, you can tell the reader that something happened a split-second into the action you're describing.

Also, it's a bit unusual that Ash has absolutely no problem with kissing Dawn. I mean, sure, he's sixteen, but up until this point, it seems like he's not a particularly romantic person. He's incredibly awkward just with hugging a girl, as you've implied at the end of the first scene. It's just odd that he goes along with the kiss, rather than say anything about it or at least react to it beyond slight internal confusion.

Quote:
Ash glanced outside. Several people in black uniforms stood in a mob-like group. They each had a red letter emblazoned on their chests: an R.
Wait, just outside? And why were they standing around? O_o Weren't they supposed to rob a bank or business?



Overall, don't get me wrong. Although I spent a lot of time taking this apart, I can tell you have potential. It was readable, and at parts, it was cute and fluffy. Not only that, but I'm also secretly a sucker for the "childhood friend reveals (s)he has a crush on other childhood friend, and hilarity ensues" kind of thing. There just needs to be some work done here and there.

To start things off, remember to proofread. There were typos here and there, and at times, you made errors with punctuation you didn't make at other points of the fic. (For example, the comma-in-dialogue thing I mentioned earlier.) Commas seem to be your biggest weak point, though, and it's okay because a lot of people screw up with commas. They're unfortunately one of the most-used punctuation marks in the English language, but there's a lot of rules that are very easy to mess up. To help you out, our subforum, Writer's Lounge, has a couple of stickies that might help you. Aside from the Beta Thread, there's also a list of resources, including guides to grammar that might explain things in better detail than I can. Either way, once you get the grammatical oddities straightened out, your fic will be a lot easier to read because the language will be smoother. (As in, language errors tend to be like speed bumps to a reader. They're jarring to hit, and a reader might find themselves slowing down as they go through your work, even if they're not grammar nazis like I am. In some cases, they might even change the tone of your narration or give it a choppy, awkward feel.)

Beyond that, we'll have to talk about characterization. Now, I know that the cast is older, but older doesn't necessarily mean canon's irrelevant. You'll need to build from it by, as I've said earlier, taking the stuff canon's given you and using it as a foundation for who these people are in your version of the present. Breathe some life into them by making sure what they do is logical, and make sure you let them do their own thing, rather than act for the sake of plot. Have Ash react a little more, rather than just go with the flow. Have Dawn be more than a bubbly romantic (because even at the age of ten, she was a bit more than that). Have Team Rocket do something instead of just stand around in a pretty conspicuous mob. In other words, figure out what personalities the characters you're using have and let them act based on them.

Unfortunately, both of these problems took a bit away from the chapter. I mean, as I've said, don't get me wrong. I read your work before I went in line by line, and even then, while it felt like the start of a fluffy romance fic, nothing really set it apart from every other fluffy romance fic I've read. It even falls into some of the same pit-traps as the other standard fluffy romance fics did. This tends to be bad. Admittedly, I haven't been on Bulbagarden for years (precisely because I kept getting one-liner reviews that didn't really help me that much), but on Fanfiction.net, here, Serebii... a lot of other places, you'll be told that the problem with dappling with cliché fics is that you don't really stand out that much unless you go above and beyond expectations. As in, the danger is that if you don't show the reader pretty quickly that it's not just another one of the fics that they've read a lot (which you can do by using well-built characters, an incredibly thought-out plot with new twists, and a lot of effort in proofreading to show that you really, really care beyond everyone else about what you're doing), your fic just won't be as memorable as other fics out there. The less memorable yours is, the less recognition you get back.

Of course, that isn't to say that you shouldn't dapple in some used genres. By all means, feel free to create a future fic. There's such a thing as some that are done awesomely, and on places like Fanfiction.net, you can reel in an audience based on concept alone. However, whether or not you keep an audience and grow a bigger one than what you can get just with the concept depends completely on whether or not you really push to make your idea shine brighter than the other ones.

And for romance, unfortunately, this means you have to really pay attention to your characters because your characters will be the entire basis of your fic.

All that in mind, good luck with future chapters. I hope some of this helped a little.
__________________
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
Domain | Dreamwidth | Twitter
Reply With Quote
  #5    
Old November 4th, 2010 (04:45 AM).
Jabberwocky's Avatar
Jabberwocky Jabberwocky is offline
Beausoleil
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Silicon Hills, Texas
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 89
Chapter Two: Memento Mori

Ash cursed under his breath. He had left Pikachu at home, on the very night he needed that electric rat most. He had brought his backpack, though, so he dug around until he found two Poke Balls. They're not much, Ash admitted to himself, But they'll have to do. He glanced over at Dawn. "

Stay here," he said. "I'll get rid of these creeps." Just as the words left his mouth, the group of Team Rocket grunts that had previously been outside charged in. The one who appeared to be their leader stepped forward, holding a large burlap sack that already appeared to contain something, as the bottom bulged. The head grunt had a scowl on his face and a scar that ran from above his eye to the bottom of his chin. A scraggly bunch of stubble adorned the chin, which, combined with the scar, made him look like an escaped convict. Given that he was a member of Team Rocket, that was a distinct possibility.

"All right," said the man in a bored tone of voice, "Fill up the sack with cash, yadda yadda, don't call the police if you know what's good for you, et cetera, et cetera." The man at the front desk looked scared stiff as he opened up the cash register in order to give the grunt what he wanted. Grabbing the Poke Balls from his backpack, Ash stood up. "Don't do it," he said. Though his tone made him seem brave, inside he was scared to death. What the hell am I doing this for? he questioned. Why can't I just let these grunts get away? Just as quick as this voice fed its negativity to Ash, another, more positive voice, countered. Because, it said, It's the right thing to do. And you must always do what's right, even if it's frightening.

The head grunt chuckled. "Aw, the widdle hewo is gonna stop us, is that it?" he asked in a mocking, babyish voice. This infuriated Ash. "Take this!" he cried as he threw the Poke Balls. Bursting from them were two of his oldest Pokemon: Charizard and Muk. Charizard did not touch the ground; instead, it hovered in the air, kept aloft by its wings. Muk landed on the ground in a messy heap, making a sickening slurping sound as it did so. The head grunt laughed at this.

"Well, well, well," he said, feigning awe. "What scary Pokemon- I wonder how mine would fare?" He motioned to his troops, who backed up, giving him room. He plucked two Poke Balls from his belt and twirled them on his fingers. "Your Pokemon are impressive," he admitted, "But they don't stand a ghost of a chance against the Ghost-types of Nero Julian, Rocket grunt commander!" He threw the Poke Balls, revealing a Haunter and a Dusknoir, both very powerful Pokemon. Ash popped his knuckles. He pointed at Dusknoir.

"Charizard, take out Dusknoir with Shadow Claw! Muck, use Dark Pulse on Haunter!" His Pokemon complied, and Nero's Pokemon were quickly defeated. This shocked the Rocket grunt. "But... how?" he asked, bewildered.

"Who the hell are you?" Ash grinned.

"The name's Ash Satoshi Ketchum!" he proclaimed proudly. "And I'm gonna be the world's greatest Pokemon Master!" Nero sneered.

"I don't care if we couldn't pull of this heist," he said, his voice dripping with overconfidence. "We've still got more than the amount of dough the Boss wanted!" Ash grimaced. He knew full well who "the Boss" was: Giovanni, the evil head of Team Rocket. Ash had faced the villain some years ago. He couldn't help but wonder what Giovanni had planned now. But as he was engulfed in thought, the Rocket grunts made their getaway, stealing away silently into the night.

***

"I am very disappointed in you, Nero," said Giovanni softly as he stroked the Persian that sat by him, purring. Nero gulped. "Foiled by a mere child," Giovanni sighed, shaking his head slowly.

"B-but this kid... he... he was like a pro!" interrupted Nero, his voice cracking from fear. Giovanni slammed his fist into his desk.

"I don't care how good he was!" the Boss of Team Rocket shouted. "I'm starting to think whether promoting you to Executive is a good idea after all!" Nero gasped.

"I- I'm sorry, sir! So very, very sorry!" the grunt said quickly, shaking his clasped hands at Giovanni. "It won't happen again, I swear!" Giovanni was silent for a moment, then chuckled.

"Very well," he permitted. "You may have one more chance. But if this happens again, I'll make you wish you'd never been born." Nero bowed to his Boss.

"Thank you, sir," he said. "Thank you so very much." As Nero left Giovanni's office, he was fuming. That punk kid! he screamed in his head. He'd better hope we don't run into each other again, 'cause if we do... oh, he'll get what's coming to him! Nero stopped in his tracks, having gained a malicious idea. I'll find him, he thought, a crooked smile forming on his face, And then I'll kill him!

***

"Ah, young love," Jessie cooed, watching Ash and Dawn drive home from the Meowth-shaped hot air balloon that served as the base of the Team Rocket group that consisted of herself, a violet-haired young man of her age named James, and a Meowth that had taught itself human speech.

"I remember when we were like that, Jess," said James, placing his arm around her shoulder. Jessie smiled at him. Just then, a gagging noise came from behind them. They turned to find Meowth making disgusted faces and noises at them.

"Get a room already, will ya?" the small catlike Pokemon commented sarcastically.

"Why you little-!" Jessie screeched, reaching her arms out to strangle Meowth. James managed to hold her back, trying to calm her down.

"Remember what the nice doctor told you, Jessie!" he said in a strained voice. "Take ten deep breaths and find your calm spot! Find your calm spot!" he continued to restrain her until her anger was gone. One by one, Team Rocket fell asleep, their airborne home drifting aimlessly in the night sky.

"Sorry about tonight," Ash apologized to Dawn after he had let her out at her house. Dawn smiled and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"It's all right," she said calmly. "Maybe we could try again sometime next week?" Ash bit his lip.

"Oh, uh... yeah! Sure!" he replied. "Good night, Dawn!" he added as he sped towards his house. "Good night, Ash," she quietly called back.

When Ash entered his house, he found an annoyed Delia waiting for him. "Where have you been?" she questioned. "It's 10:30. I specifically asked you to be back by 10 o' clock sharp!" Ash knew he was in trouble.

"I'm sorry, Mom," he replied truthfully. "There was a robbery, and that kind of made me late." Delia's eyes widened.

"A robbery?" she asked, flabbergasted. "By who?" Ash shifted uncomfortably.

"T-Team Rocket," he answered. "But no one was hurt! I mean, not me or Dawn, or anybody," he quickly added, seeing Delia put a hand to her mouth. Delia hugged him.

"I'm just glad you're safe," she said. "Now you get some rest. You, me and Misty are going to visit Brock in Pewter City tomorrow." Ash nodded and headed upstairs, all too eager to get to sleep.

****

Misty was euphoric. She and Ash were sharing a passionate kiss on the beach. They were honeymooning, having just gotten married two days before. Misty broke away from Ash to look at his handsome face. She had dreamed of this for years, and now it had happened- she and Ash were forever united as husband and wife. "I love you," she told the man in front of you. He opened his mouth to reply, but not a word came out. Instead, a loud ringing came from his lips. It continued until Misty screamed from the pain the high-pitched ringing was causing her.

And then she woke up.

Her alarm clock was ringing as loud as possible, and someone was knocking at the door of her cottage. She switched the clock off and went to open the door. It was Ash and his mother. Upon seeing Ash, she felt naked, even though she was fully dressed. Then she remembered- they were visiting Brock that day. She quickly ducked back into her cabin to arrange her hair into a side ponytail, slung a bag across her shoulder, and started off with Ash and Delia, all the while wishing that the dream she had been enjoying just minutes earlier would someday become a reality.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #6    
Old December 24th, 2010 (03:36 PM).
Red4190's Avatar
Red4190 Red4190 is offline
Kanto Champion
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Kanto
Gender: Male
Posts: 19
Send a message via AIM to Red4190 Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Red4190 Send a message via Skype™ to Red4190
Enjoyed reading this could use a little work with sentence structure but hey its the internet . Can't wait for the next chapter!........hope that is good enough for the mods not to delete guess we will see
Reply With Quote
  #7    
Old December 25th, 2010 (06:40 PM).
Toa77's Avatar
Toa77 Toa77 is offline
A Creative Writer
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Virginia
Gender: Male
Nature: Quiet
Posts: 27
Okay, not much for shipping, but hey, at least Team Rocket is in this!

Aside from a few grammatical errors, this is a great story. Keep up the good work.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #8    
Old December 31st, 2010 (08:30 PM).
Jabberwocky's Avatar
Jabberwocky Jabberwocky is offline
Beausoleil
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Silicon Hills, Texas
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 89
Thanks for the comments, guys. I'll have chapter three up soon.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #9    
Old January 3rd, 2011 (10:09 PM).
Jabberwocky's Avatar
Jabberwocky Jabberwocky is offline
Beausoleil
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Silicon Hills, Texas
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 89
Ch. 3: Brock On

It had been a while since Ash Ketchum had greeted the gates of Pewter City, home of his friend Brock Stonesworth. The city was as majestic as he remembered. The Pewter Museum loomed in the distance; near it stood the Pewter Gym, where Brock worked; he awarded the Boulder Badge to whomever could defeat him in a Pokemon Battle. Ash, his mother, Pikachu, and Misty were visiting Brock for one reason: to congratulate him on his recent marriage to Lucy Vippar, former Pike Queen of the Kanto Battle Frontier.

Just as Ash and his companions were about to enter the Gym, he felt a sharp poke on his shoulder. He whipped around to find a smiling face staring at him. It was a girl with long blonde hair. There were black streaks in her hair, and a large flower was fastened to it. The girl wore clothes suited for mountain climbing, and was grinning from ear to ear.

"Dana!" Ash yelped in alarm. Dana had been Ash's traveling companion in Biru. The girl nodded.

"Yup!" she said merrily. "It's me! I was in the neighborhood, and saw you standing there. I couldn't help but say hi!" Ash scratched his head.

"Well, that's great, Dana," he said, slightly shaken by her sudden appearance. Dana slapped him on the back. It hurt.

Nero Julian paced. Giovanni had just appointed him Executive, and Nero was trying to figure out how best to defeat the Ketchum boy. He couldn't do it himself - if he failed, the consequences would be dire. He eventually settled on using one of the more experienced grunts. Nero gave the grunt orders to take down Ash Ketchum, and if questioned, insist that he had acted of his own authority.

As the grunt left, Nero smiled. Soon the Ketchum annoyance would be no more. If the grunt succeeded, Nero would be praised. The boy had, after all, foiled several of Giovanni's plans before. If the grunt failed, well, no skin off his shoulders.

"So, I hear you're the Cerulean Gym Leader," Dana said to Misty, who felt uncomfortable next to the fiery young girl. I have to admit, she's pretty attractive, she thought. Could she be another girl who... likes Ash? Dana frowned.

"'Like' Ash? You mean, as in like-like? Nah. He ain't my type." Misty blushed. She had thought aloud! Dana grinned and winked.

"I see," she said, "you've got the hots for little Trainer boy, eh?" Misty turned even more red.

"N-no!" she sputtered. "No way! I most certainly do not 'have the hots' for Ash!" Dana rolled her eyes.

"In denial," she muttered. Misty bit her lip. "Listen," Dana said, "you ain't going anywhere just sittin' around. You gotta be forceful with guys like Ash. Keep askin' 'em out until they say yes!" Misty frowned.

"I couldn't do that!" she whimpered. "What if he laughs at me? What if he never wants to talk to me again?" Dana buried her face in her hands.

"Look," she said, "find a time when he's just achieved something great. Make sure you two are alone; wait 'till everyone's done congratulatin' him and left, and the rest'll happen on its own. Romance is sometimes weird like that." Misty made sure to remember that.

It was the end of the day. Brock and Lucy had generously paid for rooms in a nearby hotel that Ash, Delia, and Misty could spend the night in. Dana had her own room in the same hotel, so they were all together when they ran into Gary Oak and Angie Simmons, two of Ash's old friends.

"Hey, Gary! Angie!" said Ash happily. They responded with smiles. Ash glanced down and noticed that their hands were intertwined. Ash grinned. "No way," he said. "No... way. You two are dating!" Gary nodded.

"Yep," he said. "First date was a few months ago." Ash flashed him a thumbs-up.

"Well, nice going," he said. Gary stroked his chin.

"So, where are you in the romance department?" he questioned. Ash blushed.

"W-well, I had a date with Dawn last night, and we're gonna have another next week," he explained. Misty's eyes went wide, but Ash didn't notice. Gary nodded.

"She's a good girl," he said vaguely. They talked for a while, said their goodbyes, and packed in for the night.

The next day, when Ash walked out of the hotel, a big beefy man was waiting for him. The man wore a Team Rocket uniform.

"You Ash Satoshi Ketchum?" the man asked. Ash nodded slowly. The man cracked his knuckles. "Well, I'm Phil Landers, an' I've been ordered to take you down." He produced a Poke Ball from his belt, which was concealed by his massive girth. Ash instinctively reached for a Poke Ball of his own, only to remember that all he had was Pikachu. Delia and Misty approached the scene. Delia gasped at the overweight man threatening her son, but Misty was not worried. She had seen Ash take one worse.

Ash nodded at Pikachu, who hopped from Ash's shoulder to the ground. Sparks flew from its cheeks.

"Pikaaaa!" It growled. The man called Landers laughed. "That all you got?" he asked. Yeah, Ash thought, but it's all I'll need. Landers took out another Poke Ball.

"Tentacruel, Arbok, go!" he cried. The two Pokemon emerged from their Balls and faced Pikachu menacingly. "Attack!" Landers yelled. At this point, a crowd had formed around the scene. Dana joined Delia and Misty.

"What I miss?" she asked. Misty pointed at the scene. "Oh," Dana whispered.

The battle was intense. Bolts of electricity, poisonous stings, and rays of energy shot every which way, creating a spectacular light show comparable to many professional fireworks displays. In the end, a disheveled Pikachu shook a paw in victory, then collapsed. Ash realized something. He had won! He cheered and punched the air.

Reporters and police had arrived by now, and the reporters swarmed Ash, drowning him in a sea of questions:

"What's your name, kid?"

"How does it feel to have taken down a wanted criminal with just a Pikachu?"

"Boxers or briefs, sir?"

Ash smiled. He was famous. And it felt good.

Somewhere in the Biru region, Nero Julian screamed. His plan had failed. It was because he couldn't take the boy on himself, he was sure of that. And who had threatened him of what would happen if he failed again? Giovanni. Nero scowled. Maybe it was time for a change of management around here...
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #10    
Old January 12th, 2011 (05:58 PM).
Toa77's Avatar
Toa77 Toa77 is offline
A Creative Writer
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Virginia
Gender: Male
Nature: Quiet
Posts: 27
Okay, let's see:

Still liking this fanfic, but I'd love to see more of Ash's Pokemon than just Pikachu. I also can't believe that Pikachu could defeat two Poison-type Pokemon without being, well, poisoned, even if he is powerful.

Despite that, well, I still like this. Keep up the good work!
__________________
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25

Forum Jump


All times are UTC -8. The time now is 05:34 AM.