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  #1    
Old January 13th, 2011, 03:48 PM
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Scytheteen
What is mine is yours
 
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Thought I'd spam post in the poetry section with another Scytheteen original! This one is known as a Five W poem. It utilizes the five W's (I.E., who, what, where, when, why). Hope you enjoy it!

Cancer

My mother, queen of her kingdom
Only five years ago.
Sitting on a cold metal bench,
Waiting for the doctor to return
To hear those words she never wanted to.

This one was a difficult one for me to write, mostly cause it's real and close to my heart. Tell me what you guys think!
Why, Yes
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Last edited by Scytheteen; January 13th, 2011 at 08:38 PM.
  #2    
Old January 13th, 2011, 06:57 PM
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TJgamer
A Pokémon Poet
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
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Did you make up the five W's style yourself?
It's pretty impressive.
Nice work!
Poetry can be sacred,
It has power that I know,
Learn to like it,
and its beauty will really show.


I believe in Jesus Christ. If you do too, and aren't scared to admit it, then put this in your signature.
  #3    
Old January 13th, 2011, 07:04 PM
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Scytheteen
What is mine is yours
 
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Although I'd like to take credit for it, I didn't invent this type of poetry. When I took a writing course, I was taught this form of poetry. I think it's pretty cool!

And thanks again for your input TJ!
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  #4    
Old January 13th, 2011, 08:07 PM
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bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
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Short but sweet I thought (or rather short but good as 'sweet' isn't the best way to sum up the poem methinks given what it is about). XD I certainly liked it - you conveyed the emotion well, I thought.

I do wonder why a comma was used in the third line but not the first or fourth line - I am not well versed in poetry but perhaps they were left out by accident? (Or is it allowed to do that?). Another thought that came to mind is that 'doctor' used in consecutive sentences seemed a bit repetitive to me - another word in place of one of them (e.g. physician or maybe a word to paint the 'doctor' in a different light...) more maybe even dropping out 'doctor' in the 3rd line ('Sitting on a cold bench) would be something to consider. My suggestions anyway.


  #5    
Old January 13th, 2011, 08:41 PM
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Scytheteen
What is mine is yours
 
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I see what you mean bobandbill. In my original copy of the poem, the second point you made about repitition wasn't a problem, for some reason I just added the doctor part. I took it out. The part about commas I have a little more wiggle room with. I'm someone who mainly writes free verse, and there's some room for error with grammar, take Shakespeare for example, he certainly did not use proper grammar! As long as the poetry flows, a comma isn't always needed. At least that's just how I think.

But thank you for the input! I rely on those kinds of comments to improve!
Why, Yes
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