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  #1    
Old January 16th, 2011 (07:13 AM).
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Lord Varion Lord Varion is offline
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Hey ho !
I've been reading these CreepyPasta stories :3
So i decided to make my own
i will make more >:3 if my fans so demand

1: Super Mario 64
Spoiler:
When all remember Super Mario 64
How its a part of our childhood
It's a memory we will never forget!


I loved Super Mario 64 very much and decided to buy it
again instead of those hacking emulating freaks and use ROMs


I went to Pink Planet (you can look it up coz its a real store).
And bought Super Mario 64 ... I didnt have the legimate sticker on the cartridge
It just said Super Mario 64 ... I presummed some kid jus took the label off.


Anyways I inserted it into my N64 and started playing and my heart just ran with
nostigalic feelings.


After examining the Title screen where u play with mario
I pressed start ... there was no data what so ever. Obviously the person who used to own
the game was a bit of a meanie and didnt let me share they completed stuff.


I started new game ... And peach's intro played but ... not the right word's
"Mwahahahahaha ... you will be destroyed by what this game can do to you
just try and reach the end or will you survive ?'


I thought perhaps it was a glitch and made a bowser's speech in the game to early
Anyway after landing in the garden Lakitu did not appear and give me instructions
I didnt care at this point cause i knew how to play.


And then i walked over to the bridge ... And the words 'Mario ... you cant be here ...
you must be stopped?' and a large amount of Bomb-Omb's rained from the sky
At this point i was freaked. Immediatly i ran for the doors.


Inside ... it was very ruiny like ... and the graphics were almost real life ...
and the toad's were BODYLESS and were floating dripping with blood...
Despite hating this ... i continued on!


I went to the Bomb-omb Battle Field Painting ... but the Bomb's they were gone!
All that was left was a landscape picture. I jumped in. And then regreting it moments after
Due to hearing bowser's laughter ...


The Level was almost perfect ... i saw ... peach standing on top the bridge which leads up the cliff
as i approached her she moved at the same speed as me and followed the brown path up the mountain
But when i reached the chain chomp ... he hit me ... as usaul mario fell to the ground but to my surprise.


Mario's left arm had been bitten off and eatin ... Mario's health went straight down to zero ...
I was guessing it did due to blood lose if games have such ways. As Mario died ... peach did a laughing
stance ... and a highpitched laugh played over and over...


When mario flinged out of the painting ... it was outside on top the Castle ... the Roof texture
was messed up and glitchy looking ... yoshi was there ... but red! And was carrying a Bomb-Omb
At this point my face was just jawdropped.


I jumped off the castle quickly and used the Z-drop trick to avoid any damage and then realized the game had given
me 1 star. Mario's arm was still gone.But he could still fight-ish.
Anyway the next place i went was Secret Slide.


The sign at the beginning said "PAUSE AT 00:1 3:09". I was tripped for sure casually i just went down the slide
The timer started then a realized what they sign meant. At this point i tried hurrying to the end.
Unfortunatly It came '00:1 3:09' Then game paused ... The Level's name was
'Foot for your trouble' then the game automatically went to Exit Course


I appeared in the middle of the castle's foyer and missing a foot ... This started to get scary even for me!
The light from the skylight shined down ... i regret doing it now ... but i looked up the screen had faded white
and then a message appeared. 'I told you! That you wouldnt get far ... This is it .. this is your final match'


Then The final bowser theme played. 5 bowsers were on the mian tower ... the clouds turned to a ominous red
and thunder clapped alot of times ... mario being 1 arm & foot less obviously wouldnt stand a chance ... but i tried my
best to do this fight.


As I jumped and ran around i pressed the red '!' switch in the middle and gained the Flying cap ... but the the bowsers ran into
me and started to bite ... one of the bowser's grabbed me and threw me off the tower...
As i fell to the castle's bridge a message read ... "MARIO im a nice guy so im gonna ive you to more chances ... screw them up and
the world is mine Mwahahahahaha From Bowser!!!"


At this point mario had re grew a arm and lost an extra leg ... he flew around now ... which was weird i decided to give the slide another go.
But this time the sign read " Back for more ... Well Try to find me! kehehehehe'
I went down the slide ... no timer appeared but as mario sled down the slide ... the slide changed from wood to fire ... and all of a sudden


Mario burst into flames ... and literally flew off the slide and landed on a square platform ... mario's body was burning...
No buttons would work ... i just sat there for 5 mins watching mario just burn to a crisp ...


'Mario ... You were murdered ... ... by ... HIM ... A dark coloured mario pointed out to the screen!
I was scared **** at this moment ... i pressed a regretting it ... and then ... Bowser appreared
'ready for the final round' And we both appeared in catsle's foyer ... but the walls had been burned down ... and all toads
were dead.


... Bowser just immeidatly charged at mario ... due to the power of bowser ... mario collapsed ... and ...
then the castle exploded and then ... 'N O M O R E M A R I O'


and bowser's voice laughed ... deeper than ever ...


I went back to Pink planet the next day and explained what happened
They didnt believe me ... the owner said there records show that they've never had or sold a copy of super mario 64
and that yesterday they were'nt open ... and the guy who sold me it never worked there!


...
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  #2    
Old January 16th, 2011 (07:31 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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I'll move this to the main section for you because the Writer's Lounge is not the place for stories, and the creepypasta thread in the Life, The Universe, and Everything section has had no posts in it for a couple of months so posting there would be bumping the thread and against the rules...

I'll also add upon quickly glancing at it that you'd want to watch out for small errors here and there - such as
Quote:
How its a part of our childhood
It's a memory we will never forget
You use "it's" correctly in the 2nd line but "it's" should be over "its" in the first line there, and there is a lack of punctuation too (such as full stops at the end of sentences). Another instance:
Quote:
I thought perhaps it was a glitch and made a bowser's speech in the game to early
Anyway after landing in the garden Lakitu did not appear and give me instructions
I didnt care at this point cause i knew how to play.
too instead of to, didn't and I should be capitalised while that 'a' doesn't appear to be necessary (although the first sentence might require a bit of rewording anyway), as well as the missing full-stops that should be there at the end of each sentence. Stuff like that just makes the story look better and doesn't take more than a proofread (and a spell/grammar checker would have caught a large amount of it as well). Also it seems that you started a new line for each new sentence which makes it a bit weird to read and isn't convention either - rather start a new line for each paragraph: so hence the above becomes (for example):
Quote:
I thought perhaps it was a glitch which made bowser's speech in the game occur earlier than expected. Anyway, after landing in the garden, Lakitu did not appear and give me instructions. I didn't care at this point because I knew how to play.
Lastly although it is not quite the point of creepypastsas (many are typically meant to be short and more to the point than descriptive anyways), some more description at times would have been nice as well - for instance:
Quote:
I was scared **** at this moment ... i pressed a regretting it
Some more into how scared you were or how you felt when you 'regretted' pressing A would add more to thee tale and make it come off as more realistic/believable and entertaining.
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Old January 16th, 2011 (10:36 AM).
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I'm going to have to agree with bobandbill here. Not going to touch the grammar, though. All I can say is that even if this is a creepypasta, you've still got to proofread and avoid chatspeak (like using "u" instead of "you"). This is vital especially for game-based creepypasta because in-game text is usually edited and cleaned up. So, it would be more believable if you remembered to edit your work before posting simply because it gives your story more of a sense of realism. Yes, you need a sense of realism for creepypasta. Part of what makes a creepypasta a creepypasta is the ability to be passed off as something that actually happened. It's an urban legend, essentially -- something that readers might question whether or not actually happened.

Now, about the content.

See, another thing to note about creepypasta is that it's either very visceral or very suspenseful. Think of it like this. Either you get extremely detailed with the gore you describe (particularly by the end), or you play up the fact that something might be watching, that something might present a real danger (to one's sanity or overall health -- see Polybius), or that someone is going to flat-out die. The reason why is because you're playing on the emotion of fear. A creepypasta is not just a slightly horrific story. It's an intensely horrific story that could possibly be true. And I'm sorry about this rant, but this is part of the reason why I stopped following creepypasta archives lately: because so many writers think that creepypasta is just, "OMG MY GAME IS POSSESSED." Unfortunately, it's more like, "OH JESUS WHAT JUST HAPPENED." (For comparison, Lost Silver plays up the idea that the cartridge could be real, and it plays up the gore factor to screw with the player's psyche. Same deal with Pokémon CreepyBlack and Curse.)

With that being said, you've got a little blood, but it looks like you're too shy to take it to the next level. For example, when you describe Mario coming out of "Foot For Your Trouble," you say he's missing a foot. Unfortunately, because of what I know about Mario 64, all I can do is imagine a cartoonish Mario with only a stump for a leg on one side. I'm not really getting the shock value I would if you, for example, described Mario's bleach-white ankle bone, blood spurting from the stump, and Mario crumpled on the ground, twitching. Same thing with the part about his arm missing. You describe that his arm had been bitten off and that Peach was laughing, but I'm envisioning a very cartoonish scene instead of an all-too-realistic snap and rip of a limb getting pulled off or the demonic twitter of demented laughter. You've really got to get in there and describe a lot -- either a lot of gore or the setting of the game slowly becoming unsettling little by little. (I'm not talking about sudden thunder and lightning and fire. These elements tend to be a bit cliché for horror. I'm talking about little details that the player picks up on that disturb them. Maybe a twisted face in one of the portraits or a low, grinding murmur in the game music.) In other words, yes to what bobandbill said. The more detail you add, the more chilling it can potentially become because you're highlighting a lot of stuff that should evoke a sense of dread.

It also doesn't help that there's not much about your reaction to it. You say that the game was getting too scary for you, but that really doesn't mean much to a reader because they're not you. One thing that Lost Silver does is recall that the narrator is someone who's playing the game. The player holds their breath in anticipation while using Flash, they freak out at the sight of a sprite getting beheaded, they get a sudden chill at the sound of the music. In short, the lesson here is remember to include the effects of the game on the outside world. That reminds the reader that these things that are being described do have potentially negative effects. Not just people not believing them, either -- full-on, "I think I need to change my pants" kind of deal.

Overall, I have to apologize for sounding so blunt, but remember first and foremost that a creepypasta is supposed to make the readers feel creeped out somehow. Unfortunately, for the most part, I wasn't really feeling it here. To me, this was a lot like a lot of other game-based creepypasta I've read. If it helps, ask yourself what kinds of things scare the crap out of you and try to focus on those points in your creepypasta. And, of course, describe the crap out of them while you do. If need be, try checking out 4chan's /x/ (Paranormal) board for ideas. (They are, after all, the board where a lot of famous creepypasta got posted in the first place, so they're more or less masters of the idea.)
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  #4    
Old January 18th, 2011 (02:59 PM).
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Lord Varion Lord Varion is offline
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Wow such ... constructive? critism here ;D its why i love P.c

Yeah so i was expecting this kind of thing to happen considering it is my first :L

Anyway ... I'm not really one to look back in my work. just the type to type look send :/

and Details :D I will put some in next time ( ... yes there will be a next)
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Old January 18th, 2011 (03:07 PM).
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Quote originally posted by Nintendork15:
Wow such ... constructive? critism here ;D its why i love P.c
*le bow* Thanks for taking it so well.

Quote:
Anyway ... I'm not really one to look back in my work. just the type to type look send :/
Yeah, unfortunately, when it comes to writing, proofreading/looking over your work is just one of those unavoidable steps. It's especially true with creepypasta, where you want the reader to focus on the tone instead of little mistakes, you know? Make way too many mistakes, and it ends up killing a mood. Unfortunate and overly blunt to say, but it's true.

If it helps, you can also look into getting a beta reader, someone who can look over your work before you post it. (Of course, either way, many betas will want you to proofread before posting to make their lives easier.)
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