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  #1    
Old February 11th, 2011 (10:34 AM).
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Pink Typholsion Pink Typholsion is offline
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Centered...

My Dream to Fly

Once upon a time was a Pokémon, named Bagon
His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
For he only used moves like Headbutt, and Ember
His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
Shelgon, for a Shelgon, for the Bagon evolved
His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
He hid in caves to sleep all day
His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
He hid in secrets, but for every hour he wished
His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
Shelgon get angry, you'll get a serious Dragon Rage
His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
For one day the lucky Shelgon evolved, now a Salamence
His only wish, his only dream, is to fly off a cliff one more time, for every hour and every day

(more soon)
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  #2    
Old February 11th, 2011 (11:40 AM).
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I like how the story is told. Though I found it slightly repetitive with that one line being used very frequently, but, that may just be me.
The rhythm is a little imbalanced, but it still works okay, as how the poem is read.
Overall, you did a fairly good job. Keep it up!

And you should put this in MeerFall's Pokémon Poetry thread if you want to.
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  #3    
Old February 11th, 2011 (07:34 PM).
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I'M AN ANGRY SCIENTIST!!
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I will agree with TJgamer that the repeated line felt a bit too, well, repeated. It probably was because imo that it was repeated every line and so took up a whole half of the poem, making it sem too often an occurance compared to the rest which imo did not relate to the repeated line all that much at times - for instance the line 'For he only used moves like Headbutt, and Ember' didn't tell me much on why his only wish was to fly (although it was a neat idea to include facts like that - notably moves it has when you catch it in RSE if memory serves, no? =p). Perhaps adding more in-between the other lines would be something to consider to overcome that problem.
Quote:
Shelgon get angry, you'll get a serious Dragon Rage

For one day the lucky Shelgon evolved, now a Salamence
These two lines also felt a bit off to me - the 'Shelgon get angry, you'll get..' sounds odd as-is - it would sound better if you expanded the first part but then would not fit into the poem so you might want to rethink that line, and I would suggest removing 'For' as it doesn't add anything to the poem/line, I feel. A neat concept for a poem, I think - it could just use some touching up here and there in my opinion.
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