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  #1    
Old July 1st, 2011 (08:18 AM).
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lord of flames lord of flames is offline
 
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Prologue

The night air grew colder as storm clouds gathered over Saffron City. Streets lights lit up but the darkness stayed strong. An evil presence swept through the streets. Small rodent Pokémon scurried away as a powerful shadow took shape.

The town clock had just chimed for the twelfth time signalling midnight. A dark blue haired woman stepped out of the city gym. The psychic leader paused for moment as an overwhelming sense of trepidation overcame her. The leader’s hand trembled as she attempted to insert her key card into the gym door to re-open it.

"Sabrina, The Mistress of Psychic Pokémon,” called out a voice from the shadows surrounding the gym.

The young gym leader dropped the key card out of panic. Her psychic senses were going crazy. She could sense a dark force near her but couldn’t tell where. The frightened gym leader waved her hand and telekinetically pulled a pokeball out of her pocket. Cautiously she released her strongest Pokémon, Alakazam.

“Whoever you are, come out now before I use Alakazam to find you.” Sabrina shouted in no particular direction.

Nothing but silence followed. Slowly she stepped away from the gym towards a few street lights. Her Alakazam slowly levitated in front of her keeping guard. Just as Sabrina felt as if she was safe a hand grabbed her shoulder from the back. The shocked gym leader let out a shriek of terror.

“Sweet heart, it’s just me,” said a calming voice.

“Oh my Mew, Volkner. You gave me a heart attack. What are you doing here?” Sabrina asked letting out an immense sigh of relief.

“I got lonely waiting for you at home, so I thought I would surprise you at the gym.” The electric gym leader said as he placed his hand on Sabrina’s head. “You seem so afraid, is everything alright?”

“Just me being silly, I thought that there was someone trying to get me out here because my psychic powers were going haywire but I guess my emotions are getting the best of me.”

Volkner walked away from Sabrina and began waving his arms about in the dark.

“Are there any scary monsters waiting to get my Sabrina?” He asked, placing his cupped hand next to his ear waiting for an answer. “Well I guess no...”

Before Volkner could finish his sentence he found himself engulf in a black ball of energy. When the dark energy dissipated Volkner’s unconscious body fell to the ground.

“Volkner!” screamed Sabrina as she ran to him. “Alakazam put up a mirror coat around us, now!”

The sound of footsteps approaching broke the silence. The footsteps grew louder and louder and then suddenly stopped. Sabrina looked up and saw a figure cloaked in black and a strange dark Pokémon. The strange Pokémon floated towards Sabrina but Alakazam teleported in front of it.

“Don’t worry about your boyfriend; Darkrai’s dark void just put him to sleep.” The cloaked figure explained; it was the same voice from earlier.

“Who are you? Why did you do this? What do you want?” Sabrina asked as she rose to her feet preparing for a fight.

“How rude of me, I am Leo. As for him, he was in the way. I had something important to discuss with you.”

“What’s so important you had to hurt him?” Sabrina demanded to know holding herself back from attacking the cloaked stranger.

“A new world order.” He replied. “I am part of an organisation know as The Legion. The Legion seeks to take control of this imperfect world by force and make it perfect. We will rule the Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh. But firstly we need to recruit a master of each different Pokémon type. You are in our eyes the best psychic trainer. I am a master of the dark type. ”

“Read my lips. I am a gym leader and I will never betray my principles.” She protested. “Alakazam use psychic!”

The psychic Pokémon prepared to attack but Darkrai was too fast and hit Alakazam with a dark void before it could do anything.

“It’s a pity. You would have made a beautiful addition to The Legion but you’ve made your bed, now lay in it.”He said walking away. “Take care of her Darkrai.”

The dark Pokémon faded into the ground and disappeared. Sabrina felt the tiny hairs on the back of her neck stand. Slowly she turned around to see the powerful Darkrai standing behind her. Her screams of terror echoed into nothingness of the lonely night.
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  #2    
Old July 1st, 2011 (09:30 AM).
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Townes Townes is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Age: 18
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Ok, I'm in full-on English lesson mode. Let the bullets fly!

A few grammatical errors here and there, for instance- "Streets lights lit up," should be "Street lights lit up,". There are a few more, such as missed commas, and they aren't too hard to find, but other than that, your punctuation's ok.

A personal thing that always irritates me with creative writing is when every sentence begins with a pronoun, such as "I", "We", "The" and names of characters. It makes the reading seem more for a younger audience, and I get the feeling that the overall storyline will be too dark for such an age-group. Try adding an adjective before the pronoun- you already show evidence that you're aware of this in a few isolated instances- and it will make the writing both more imaginable and more interesting to read, as well as making the writing richer overall.

The storyline is a bit cliched, but in modern times most stories are at at least one point. I'm hoping that you'll include a major plot twist and make us look back and read points and think "I can't believe I missed that" Because it does have the makings of such a story. Overall, I'd say that this post is about 6/10 and has the potential to increase into much higher scores. Keep it up!
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  #3    
Old July 2nd, 2011 (02:19 AM).
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lord of flames lord of flames is offline
 
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Chapter 1
An unnatural silence had occupied the still night air. A solitary structure stood strong in the middle of a desolate forest. A castle seemed so out of place in this picture. The old moss-covered walls were slowly being eaten away by the relentless cross winds. An algae-covered moat surrounded the castle.

A dark cloaked figure flanked by a Darkrai emerged from between the trees and walked towards the castle. The draw bridge slowly lowered, accompanied by the sounds of gears turning and grinding. The man and Darkrai walked across the bridge, each step placing more strain on the worn out wood. Blue horns followed by white fins cut through the surface algae below.
The inside of the castle was brightly lit and brand new. The floor was covered in red carpeting while the walls were painted with pictures of legendary and rare Pokémon. In the castle’s main hall stood a single throne and on that throne sat an old man.

The old man wore a lab coat that covered the rest of his clothes. His snow white hair was matched by his long Santa-like white beard.

“This was not what I had in mind when I sent you to Saffron City Leonardo!” he yelled as he threw a newspaper at the feet of the cloaked man.

Leonardo bent down and picked up the ruffled newspaper. It was a copy of the Saffron Times from the previous week.

“How did you get this?” Leonardo questioned crushing the paper in his hands.

The old man glanced to the right at someone in a brown cloak and hood who stood against the wall. “Never mind how. Tell me what the headline reads.” The old man demanded.

“Mystery assailant leaves Saffron gym leader in a coma.” The person in the brown interjected.

The voice was clearly female. Leonardo dropped the crumpled paper and motioned for his Darkrai. The girl in the brown cloak dropped a pokeball. A red bolt of energy escaped and took form. It revealed a blue fighting Pokémon.

“My Lucario and I are more than capable of taking on you and Darkrai.” She said leaning forward. A strand of pink hair could be seen as it escaped the concealing darkness of her hood.

An ear-splitting roar emerged from a dark corridor behind the old man’s throne. Both Darkrai and Lucario backed down after hearing this.

“Its okay boy, everything’s going to be okay. Leonardo is going to fix his mistake and get us our psychic.” The old man said in a comforting voice towards the lightless corridor.

“It’s not my fault!” Leonardo stated defending his actions.

Sparks began to dimly light up the dark corridor as the vicious growls began intensifying.

“How dare you raise your voice at me?” The old man shouted, his fists clenching in rage.

“I’m sorry sir; it’s just that, not every gym leader is as easy as your protégé here.” Leonardo said as he shot a glance towards the girl in brown.

The old man took a few deep breaths, unclenched his fists and relaxed. The growling and sparks slowly came to an end.

“Fine. You are forgiven. What do you know about Rustboro City?” the old man asked stroking his beard.

“It has the worst crime rate in the Hoenn region. It has an extremely weak gym leader who specializes in rock type Pokémon. She is not Legion material.” Leonardo responded.

“It used to have the worst crime rate in the Hoenn region and this has no concern with Roxanne.” The old man said as he tossed Leonardo another newspaper but this time at chest height.

“Red justice Vs Blue terror, battle for Rustboro City.” Leonardo read the newspaper headline.

“A few months ago a ‘hero’ called Red justice appeared, and using a Latias, began fighting crime. Last week a ‘villain’ called Blue terror came out of the shadows with the sole intention of defeating Red justice with Latios. From what I gather there are only two trainers who reside in Rustboro who have the capabilities of capturing these Pokémon. One of them is a straight arrow and the other a delinquent, both of them specializes in psychic Pokémon.” The old man explained as he picked up two files and threw them to Leonardo.

“I don’t understand.” Leonardo said as he examined the files.

“I want you to find out the identity of Red Justice and recruit him or her to the Legion.” The old man said losing patience.

“Go now!”

Leonardo bowed once and turned to leave with his Darkrai. The dark trainer had a look of distaste on his face as he left the castle.

“He is going to screw this up.” The girl in brown said as she recalled her Lucario.

“That’s why you are going to spy on him and make sure he gets the job done.” the old man said as he woke up to leave. “If he does screw up, make sure there are no witnesses.”

The girl bowed once and turned to leave. A small, but distinctly cruel, smile grew across her face.
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