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  #1    
Old July 1st, 2011 (10:26 AM).
Townes's Avatar
Townes Townes is offline
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Age: 19
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Dedications
Before we begin, I'd like to dedicate this epic tale of grandeur to, firstly, Enya the musician, for giving such beautiful tunes to the world that essentially get me through life, and who's lyrics I've borrowed for the title, and my long-suffering English companions who've had to listen to my rantings and ravings about possessives and commas. I owe you one! But you'll never read this, so therefore I'm fine.

Content Warning

I'd rate this for MATURE readers, and by that, I mean this is an evening gown and tea affair with witty attempts at comedy sprinkled through it and several references to certain unmentionables, as well as occasional bad language. It's not meant to be Shakespeare, but it is meant to be enjoyable.

Information
Evening Starhea is the attempt at a piece of writing I've been working myself up to writing for a month. It shall be a grand undertaking of tremendous epicness and battles with Google over the correct spelling of certain words. It chronicles the life and times of our protagonist, Adam, a nerdish and unspectacular fellow within the sparkling Kanto region, along with his conflicts against himself, his peers, and another enigmatic, unknowable foe...

I welcome constructive criticism. Please do tell me what you did and didn't like, and I'll try and make each post better than the last as a reward for you, my loyal readers. Don't just flame me about why you hate my work.

Evening Starhea
Chapter 1- Time flies

"I hate that little creep" The single comment spoken by nearly every student, every day at Whitevale High School. Adam rolled his eyes and turned his iPod to full to block out the inevitable discussion over why exactly everyone hated his good self. He kept walking at a steady pace and waved to his friends leaving via the back-entrance of the school. He walked to the library to collect some books on Johto literature and the history of said literature. It took a while to process them all, seeing as the library's computer had broken down- again- but he sat down whilst the technician worked away at the dying machine. He leaned against his chair and thought about the day he'd had. Not spectacular, but there you go.

Firstly, his Chemistry lesson had gone terribly. A clumsy oaf had knocked a carcinogen onto him and he spent about half an hour being sprayed with foul-smelling liquid in nothing but his underwear. Then he'd been attacked by a suspiciously dim-witted Growlithe who had been smuggled onto school grounds. Religious Studies went by slowly, as it generally did, and then maths had been terribly monotonous. Finally, The end of the day lightened up when the Physics teacher, Mr. Braun, accidentally sent a surge of electricity through a fuse which had melted and set fire to Adam's textbook.

Naturally, he took all this in is stride, but he couldn't help wondering why he put up with such insanity. In all the films he watched people tended to have a semi-normal life during their tender adolescent years. However, in his case life seemed to be determined to be as unrealistic as possible yet still being physically possible. He snapped back to the real world when the technician shouted at him across the room that the "stuff been fixed." Adam swiftly decided that he didn't, in fact, need the books and replaced them. With a swift glance at his watch and the unbarred look of horror that usually follows, he realised that he'd been in the library for half an hour- and that the buses had all left.

He would be walking home, the miles-long journey that would probably take a couple of hours. He wasn't one to mess about with hysterics over what had happened- it just had, so he'd have to sort it out. His iPod had ranout of energy and so he walked home in silence. Another look at his watch told him that it was six o'clock. Fortunately, his mother was out tonight, but he still worried about getting in trouble. He sighted the signpost leading into the cul-de-sac he called home- Candle Close, named for the Church and traditional inn- The Candle- on either side of it. He sprinted the last leg of the journey and sighed with huge relief as he saw the driveway was empty and his mother was still out. Unlocking the house and taking the first step towards the bathroom in a single, fluid motion, he began unbuttoning his shirt as he ran up the stairs.

As the shower heated up, Adam took the time to look at himself in the wall-height mirror. He wasn't particularly unhandsome- nor was he an adonis- and there was nothing too strange about his body, or at least, nothing that textbooks hadn't described as normal for a fifteen year-old. He ran a hand through his sweaty, dark hair that had been in a neat comb-over this morning. He looked around- pointless really, as the door was locked- and just for the heck of it, he struck a few poses at his mirror twin in the mirror. He laughed out loud as he realised how stupid he was being. It wasn't his body that was weird- it was his mind.

As he lay dressed in silken pyjamas and an evening gown on his bed, looking outside the window at the calm night sky, he heard his mobile phone ringing. He picked it up, and answered with his trademark reply-
'Hello there, you've reached master Townes, who do I have the pleasure of addressing?'
'Cut the crap, Adam, I'm not in the mood.' It was Luke Feson, Adam's friend- or rather, ex-friend, from school. Adam's eyebrows raised as he realised that he'd been uncovered. 'What do you mean?'
'You told my mum what me and Becky have been doing?'
'Ah. That. Yes, guilty as charged.'
'You total DICK! Do you have ANY idea what trouble I'm in now?' Adam could practically see Luke's face- spitting into the phone, bright red, teeth bared. He stifled a laugh.
'Well, had you not been trying to find interesting new ways to to please your private parts, there would have been no need for it. As well as that, if you're going to be arrogant enough to tell people you've lost your virginity at the tender age of fifteen, then expect consequences.'
'Not from my BEST FRIEND!' Luke howled over the phone.
'The same best friend you punched in the stomach little over three hours ago?' Adam hung up and placed the phone on silent. Then, as an afterthought, he changed the voice message callers would receive when he didn't answer. 'This is Adam Townes' phone. If you need to leave a message, please do so after the beep. If you are Luke, then please learn to think about your soul before your penis. *Bleep*' Adam chuckled and got under his covers.

He awoke to fire and smoke. His first instinct was to check on his mother, but he knew she was already dead. He didn't know how, he just knew. Choking flames had engulfed the doorway, but his window was still clear. Quickly, he grabbed a few clothes out of his wardrobe and a picture of him and his mother from when he was three. He dived out of the open window and landed in a hedge, finely trimmed and one of the few not on fire. Cautiously, he peered out from between the leaves and saw a sight he thought he'd never see- his schoolmates, throwing petrol bombs at his house, through windows, on the roof, anywhere- led by his once best-friend, Luke Feson.
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  #2    
Old July 5th, 2011 (08:12 PM).
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icomeanon6 icomeanon6 is offline
It's "I Come Anon"
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
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I can see that you're new-ish around here, so welcome to the Fan Fiction and Writing forum! *throws confetti*

Before I get to the story itself, I want to ask this: What is a Starhea, how do you pronounce it, and where can I get one? The phrasing in Enya's song "May It Be" (I love Lord of the Rings :D ) is "Evening Star," but I don't know where those last three letters come from.

While I'm on things that are outside of the story itself:

Quote:
Before we begin, I'd like to dedicate this epic tale of grandeur to, firstly, Enya the musician, for giving such beautiful tunes to the world that essentially get me through life, and who's lyrics I've borrowed for the title, and my long-suffering English companions who've had to listen to my rantings and ravings about possessives and commas.
Speaking of possessives, there's a possessives problem right there: who's is a contraction for "who is." Whose is the word you mean there.

And now for the story itself:

I can't tell how you mean for the reader to react to Adam, but as of yet I'm not feeling particularly warm to his character. Specifically, his conversation with Luke lowered my opinion of him. I could sort of understand it if he had ratted out his once-friend-now-nemesis in order to take revenge for something, but it seems more that he's a puritanical fanatic and likes watching people get in trouble. If you're trying to make some kind of statement against underage sex, I agree that teenage sex should be discouraged, but I wouldn't make your case by showing your main character being a jerk.

Of course, if your intent is for people to find Adam's behavior obnoxious, then you've succeeded.

Or perhaps you're just trying to show a practical example of karma: Brag about sex and your friends will snitch on you just to watch you squirm, snitch on your friends just to watch them squirm and they'll firebomb your house. Not going to lie, these are some pretty extreme kids you have here. Unfortunately, it's not making me particularly enjoy the story. Maybe it's because Adam takes too much relish in acting as the sex-police, I don't know.

Grammar/writing mechanics-wise, this chapter isn't terrible, but it's still pretty spotty. For starters, this first sentence isn't a sentence:

Quote:
"I hate that little creep" The single comment spoken by nearly every student, every day at Whitevale High School.
There's a subject, but no verb to go with it. I recognize what kind of structure you mean, and it's an idiom I would reserve for speech or transcription. I think you need a colon after the quote to make it work, but even then, it's not the most correct way to write something.

Quote:
Not spectacular, but there you go.
This strikes me as awfully colloquial, more so than the rest of the narration. On top of that, I don't think I get what you mean by "but there you go." Seems like unwarranted filler to me.

Quote:
However, in his case life seemed to be determined to be as unrealistic as possible yet still being physically possible.
If something is as "unrealistic as possible," that implies that it is "physically possible," which makes this redundant. Also, the use of "yet still being" sounds awkward to me. I would use "while still being." I'm not sure about any actual grammar rules in that regard, but it didn't help the sentence scan well.

Quote:
swiftly decided that he didn't, in fact, need the books and replaced them. With a swift
Watch out for using the same adjective/adverb too close together.

Quote:
He wasn't one to mess about with hysterics over what had happened- it just had, so he'd have to sort it out.
I think you mean "in hysterics." Also, that hyphen should be a dash, like so: —. There is actually a difference. I noticed this several times throughout the chapter.

Quote:
His iPod had ranout of energy and so he walked home in silence.
"Ran out" is two words, but that's not what you want here anyway. You're using past perfect, not past imperfect, so you should use "run out." Example:

Quote originally posted by Example:
I wrote an example.

I have written an example.
Moving right along.

Quote:
He ran a hand through his sweaty, dark hair that had been in a neat comb-over this morning.
This isn't grammar, but I doubt you meant "comb-over." The comb-over is a famously hideous technique for balding men to hide their baldness.

One more thing: Around here we use another line break with dialogue, just like normal paragraphs. You can look at just about any other fic to see what I mean.

There are other issues in there, but I'll leave them for you to find. It never hurts to proofread one more time.

On the whole, I am interested because this is definitely different than the average fanfic, and one gets tired of reading about Not-Ash waking up late. I'm afraid to say that I didn't particularly enjoy it, though. This is mostly because of the main character, but also because I thought the narration felt generally distant and rushed at the end. What you have here is pretty short, so I would revise it in order to flesh it out. I would bring the narration closer to the main character and the action, go into more detail with the events. Show Don't Tell, so to speak. For example, instead of just saying that Adam struck some poses, give us examples, let us see them and laugh along with you. I know it's really vague advice, but it's something all authors have to hear at some point. I often have problems with showing vs. telling myself.

I'd say this isn't a bad start, but it could definitely use improvement. You've got a good sense of snark and wit, but I think the reader will be more receptive to it if the story reads better as a whole and the main character is a little less obnoxious.

By the way, make sure you're around for the PC Get Together starting on the 15th, so you can participate in FF&W's annual Small Writing Contest. It's a world of fun!
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My chapter fics:
Kanto: The Disputed Frontier - 14 chapters, indefinite hiatus. Gary Stu's Unpredictable Adventure - 8 chapters, completed. Digimon Campaign - 7 chapters, ongoing

One-shots:
There's Always Tomorrow (SWC 2009), A Matter of Stubbornness (SWC 2010), Left by the Roadside
(SWC 2011 1st place),
Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It (2012), By What Right? (SWC 2013 1st place), Back in the Day (SWC 2014 1st place)


Family (kind of?): Strange person who calls me strange names

If the pen is mightier than the sword, the keyboard is mightier than the ICBM.
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