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  #1    
Old July 9th, 2011 (12:20 AM). Edited April 9th, 2012 by Oryx.
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Toujours'
Poetry Slam


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September 2011 - Poem of the Month (entire thread)
February 2012 - Poem of the Month (Diabetic Cappuccino)
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  #2    
Old July 19th, 2011 (04:13 AM). Edited August 3rd, 2011 by Oryx.
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Thanks for all the feedback guys :( Anyway I wrote something new. Definitely not my best, but eh.

Clumsy
Spoiler:
I can't draw.
I can't write music.
I can't give you all those gifts
that you gaze on with a greedy fervor.
I can't walk
gracefully
with that rhythm
in the hips of other women.

I swat at the shadows of insects,
insecure and shy.
You fight dragons with dauntless valor,
Sword and shield always by your side.
You take everything in stride.

But all I have as my donation
or, rather, my compensation
for my lack of cultivation
are my words for you alone;
for in my words I lose my worry
on solid ground I'm standing firmly
And I can tell you, bold and nervy,
how my heart has overgrown.
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  #3    
Old August 2nd, 2011 (06:36 AM). Edited September 3rd, 2011 by Oryx.
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Another new poem, for all my (zero) loyal readers!

Bacteria
Spoiler:
Just one thought
got in through a cut in my
heart, of course the weakest part.
Or maybe shot in with a needle,
making me feeble, invading my words, my art.

My warmth makes it easy to multiply
once you're inside, once you've slipped by.
A virus, a cold, or maybe the flu,
what unavoidably draws me to you?

In my bloodstream, through my veins
filling me so I can no longer feign
disinterest, can no longer resist.
Subsisting on you to remain just sane.

My heart did not fight this blight,
but is it? The feelings you emit
do not befit a virus, I admit...
Maybe you are infected as well.
Do I dwell in you,
in ways you cannot quell?
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  #4    
Old August 2nd, 2011 (10:33 AM).
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So I can't make textcollapse work. I don't know if anyone else has that problem. I have to quote your posts to get them to show up. Anyway.

----------

"Migratory Birdsong" is a lovely title. It already tells me this is going to be a story about traveling.

Quote:
I never grew out of that habit, counting days
treating my homes like hotels with extended stays.
I loved this couple of lines for rhyming without sounding forced and for giving me that image of sitting in a hotel room which is where you stay and sleep without it feeling like home.

"Cracks" reminds me of summer. That's the first image it puts in my head, but it felt a little disjointed reading it, like I was being moved from one image to another without much connection between them. Maybe that's the idea. There's a lot of repetition in this one and I think you did well to make it not sound repetitious. I did think this line:

Quote:
There is no cure in cement for a cracked relationship.
was a little cumbersome, mostly with that last, long word at the end. I had to stop reading for a moment at that point because it took me out for a moment.

"Epiphany" I think would have been more effective if you'd ended it with "But everywhere I look, all I feel is stress!" It would have a kind of Shel Silverstein feel to it that way. A big build up and then a stressful explosion.

"Kakorrha" I wanted you to put in more imagery, like this:

Quote:
this girl is tall with an accented drawl
and my class was appalled, but I was enthralled.
Friends from the start, like I always was with everyone.
And less of the analysis like this:

Quote:
I broke the racist spell.
That didn't feel quite like what a nine year old would think or say. At least I wouldn't have when I was nine. I could quite tell if this was more of a looking-back or a in-the-moment kind of poem, but I read it as if it were coming from a nine year old who was just coming to terms with the idea of racism so for her to say that so straightforward felt a little off.

On "Body Language (Villanelle form)" I would have liked to see it end with "Tension is how our bodies speak" instead of "fighting our instincts has made us weak" because I think it sounds stronger that way, but otherwise well done on the repetition again. That seems to be a strong point in your writing. The only other thing that felt off in this one was the switch to first person singular with the line: "As we question, 'Do I dare?'" I know it's not necessary for grammatical reasons, but when you have the rest of the poem filled with 'we', 'us' and 'our' it feels out of place.

And that's about all I have time for at the moment. I quite like these. I'll be reading the rest more thoroughly later.
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  #5    
Old August 2nd, 2011 (04:39 PM).
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Quote originally posted by Scarf:
So I can't make textcollapse work. I don't know if anyone else has that problem. I have to quote your posts to get them to show up. Anyway.
Ooh, thanks for the heads up. I'll switch it to spoilers in case anyone else has that problem, haha.

Quote:
"Migratory Birdsong" is a lovely title. It already tells me this is going to be a story about traveling.

I loved this couple of lines for rhyming without sounding forced and for giving me that image of sitting in a hotel room which is where you stay and sleep without it feeling like home.

"Cracks" reminds me of summer. That's the first image it puts in my head, but it felt a little disjointed reading it, like I was being moved from one image to another without much connection between them. Maybe that's the idea. There's a lot of repetition in this one and I think you did well to make it not sound repetitious. I did think this line:

was a little cumbersome, mostly with that last, long word at the end. I had to stop reading for a moment at that point because it took me out for a moment.
Thanks a lot! I'll work on that line; especially as a last line if it doesn't work it needs to be fixed. :3

Quote:
"Epiphany" I think would have been more effective if you'd ended it with "But everywhere I look, all I feel is stress!" It would have a kind of Shel Silverstein feel to it that way. A big build up and then a stressful explosion.
You might be right about that, I'll have to think about it. I'm not really happy with the last stanza as it is, but I think I'm better at fast poems than slow pacing so I have to work pretty hard on editing it to get it how I want if I decide to keep it.

Quote:
"Kakorrha" I wanted you to put in more imagery, like this:

And less of the analysis like this:

That didn't feel quite like what a nine year old would think or say. At least I wouldn't have when I was nine. I could quite tell if this was more of a looking-back or a in-the-moment kind of poem, but I read it as if it were coming from a nine year old who was just coming to terms with the idea of racism so for her to say that so straightforward felt a little off.
I never thought of that! Thinking of it that way, I can see why that line seems out of place. I'm sure I can find something more fitting there, because back then I didn't think of it as racism so you're right, it doesn't make much sense in there.

Quote:
On "Body Language (Villanelle form)" I would have liked to see it end with "Tension is how our bodies speak" instead of "fighting our instincts has made us weak" because I think it sounds stronger that way, but otherwise well done on the repetition again. That seems to be a strong point in your writing. The only other thing that felt off in this one was the switch to first person singular with the line: "As we question, 'Do I dare?'" I know it's not necessary for grammatical reasons, but when you have the rest of the poem filled with 'we', 'us' and 'our' it feels out of place.

And that's about all I have time for at the moment. I quite like these. I'll be reading the rest more thoroughly later.
Switching those lines would be interesting, I'll take that into consideration. The repetition in this is essential to the form, that's what I love about villanelles - as long as those two lines are written strongly, their echoes come out really nicely in the poem. That one line is an allusion to "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock", but I can still change it to we and have it make more sense grammatically while keeping the allusion I believe.

Thanks a lot for your feedback! You really helped me see from a different perspective :3
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  #6    
Old August 14th, 2011 (04:24 PM).
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This is my first time critiqueing someone else's work, so please bear with me.

I can immediatly see that you put not only emotion into these, but also thought. I like this. Poems are often centered on how the author feels that day, be it happy, sad, angry, etc. Other's are more thought out, and are derived purely of the mind. Not that there's anything wrong with those types of poems; in fact, the majority of my own poems are bred soley by emotion. Yours are a mixture of both thought and emotion. As a result, your poems seem more real, and appeal to both the brain and the heart.

My favorite of your poems is "Cracks". It is one I easily relate to, and I feel it has a more poetic theme. I especialy like the lines:
Quote:
we run.
Then we fall, tripping on what we had forgotten.
I found this particular line to be creative, original, heartfelt, yet understandable. A perfect example of your style of poetry: from the mind and the heart.
Hope I helped!
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Old August 14th, 2011 (06:22 PM).
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Thank you, that means a lot! :3

Don't worry about it being your first time, the great thing about poetry is although not everyone can write it, anyone can say that a part sounds wrong or something similar. We always need more critique in this section :)
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  #8    
Old September 3rd, 2011 (09:01 PM).
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I edited a few poems, being Cracks, Kakorrha, and Bacteria.

I would especially like some critique on Bacteria, it feels really unfinished especially. :x
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Old October 14th, 2011 (10:32 AM).
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I've had this poem idea in my mind for a while but finally managed to write something related to it. Critique would be nice since I'm not really happy with it but it's better than having nothing written. I do like the first two lines a lot! Some of the other places...not so much, haha.
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Old December 13th, 2011 (10:26 PM).
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Added another poem that's called Program for now, but I'll definitely change it later but it's not nearly done, lol. Critique?
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  #11    
Old January 2nd, 2012 (03:02 AM).
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I believe these are really great! They're all full of emotion, and the feelings put within them hit me really hard. I'm really fond of poetry, and I like these. My favorite one I can relate to is Epiphany. I hope you can make more, I'm interested to see what else you can up with. I also try to write poetry, but I've forgotten where I placed them.
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  #12    
Old February 14th, 2012 (11:08 PM).
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Okay, put in a brand new poem that isn't quite in my usual style. I was going for something that still had a meaning but was a little more obscure as opposed to how straightforward my poems usually are. :3 It's called "Diabetic Cappuccino", and it's near the bottom of the first post. I'll repost it here for teh lazy though:

Spoiler:
My mother's ex-boyfriend was a murderer.
Cigar-smelling Frump
And "I'm dry", I'm dry.
They found the backdoor in the back of the store.
Aries, Taurus, Cancer, Leo.

My mother's boy-exfriend murd a waserer.
They owned fake fireplaces but not faux fur.
Debtors depend on creditors
and creditors rent out apartments
above prostitutes and husbands in Closets.

My mother's was-boymurd ex a frienderer.
Time to take your leave when Playboys are
littered from Georgetown to the Holland Tunnel.
Wolves wear itchy wool suits and lipstick
And deny child support.

What's the difference between
insulin and heroin?
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  #13    
Old February 15th, 2012 (07:22 PM).
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Interesting idea with the poem there. I'll admit the last sentence got a laugh out of me, although I had been initially confused by the poem when the spelling started to get messed up (although arguably the first vers was already quite confusing as what was said is...well, strange). (On that note, does 'I'm dry' mean anything or is it part of the rambling?). I'll agree though that it was a less straightforward poem than your other ones. =p I did think that it was a touch too confusing even though that's kinda the point imo though - too early I was thrown off by it thinking 'uh...?' or something along those lines. It seemed the misspellings only occurred in the first line of the 2nd/3rd verse as well which actually struck me as inconsistent - I feel it would be more natural for the same type of 'errors' (wording wise and logical) to occur throughout.

I liked the line about wolves though, heh.
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Old February 24th, 2012 (09:14 AM).
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These poems are more than spectacular, Toujours‼ :cer_smile:
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