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Old July 11th, 2011 (04:09 PM).
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Legendarian Mistress Legendarian Mistress is offline
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Hydra’s Rise

Prologue: A Lost Digi Egg

“Let’s hurry up! Dragomon’s goon is going to be here any time now!” Ilya warned.

“You don’t think we don’t know that?” Gennai asked, in annoyance.

“The Holy Beasts must know of this,” Benjamin muttered.

“The Holy Beasts know everything,” Gennai replied.

“Take the Digi Egg, and the Digivices, all of them.” Hogan decided, standing up from his seat.

Suddenly, the alarm went off, and Gennai; Hogan, and the rest of the Watchers glanced around their hidden base, and at each other. Benjamin, Jackie, Jose, Hogan and Ilya dematerialized. Gennai watched them leave, just as Dragomon’s lackey, Dinobeemon, burst into the room. “Give me the Egg!” he buzzed impatiently.

Gennai grabbed a hold of the Digi Egg and Digivices, and dematerialized out of the open window, just as Dinobeemon started advancing towards him. The Perfect Digimon buzzed angrily and chased after him. Knowing the DNA Digimon was behind him; Gennai didn’t look back, but continued on towards File Island. He had to make sure that the Digi Egg would be safe, before sending the Digivices out.

He was assured enough that he and his Watcher companions had sealed the Digimon in a temple in the Digital World a few months back; just as he was sure that the fifth batch of Odaiban Chosen Children would find them. Teleporting swiftly over the ocean, Gennai glanced down towards the water, and saw a serpent shadow underwater. He quickly looked ahead and cursed under his breath. Without warning, MegaSeadramon burst through the surface of the water.

Lightning Javelin!” MegaSeadramon yelled. Lightning burst from his horn.

Gennai was close to the coast of Server, and he teleported to the right, right above Server’s coastline. He still knew Dinobeemon was close behind him.

Hell Masquerade!” Dinobeemon shouted. The Perfect level slashed with his spikes.

Gennai gasped, and telekinetically moved to the right, barely avoiding the attack with skill. As a result, the Digi Egg accidentally fell from his grasp, and Gennai noticed, knowing which Digimon waited inside. Knowing that he didn’t have a chance against MegaSeadramon or Dinobeemon, and that he was more vulnerable, he headed deeper into Server, going over the forest. He landed in a clearing and swiftly rushed towards the cover of the trees.

He reached the trees panting and he stopped, under the cover of the trees, just as Dinobeemon stopped over the clearing. Yet, Gennai had the Digivices with him.

“I... must... find... the Holy Beasts,” Gennai whispered, panting.

He turned around and walked deeper into the forest.

“I just pray that the Digi Egg I lost will survive to find her Chosen Child.” Gennai whispered, walking through the shadows of the trees.
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Old July 13th, 2011 (06:14 AM).
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Sgt Shock Sgt Shock is offline
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Hello again. I know I haven’t been reviewing for quite some time—that is on this site as a whole, I’ve been fairly busy—so I have decided to drop by and give some advice and encouragement here and there. Since this is just a prologue, I am going to try to be brief (I can’t promise that it may look long though).

For the most part this is a good start, but a bit short for my liking. Not really short in terms of length. It’s short in the fact that things could be explained at a longer length. For example:

Quote:
Lightning Javelin!” MegaSeadramon yelled. Lightning burst from his horn.
You told us that MegaSeadramon used “Lightning Javelin” and you followed with a very brief explanation of the move. The thing is you stopped here. You didn’t show how the attack missed (I’m going to assume it’s a miss since Genei is clearly still alive) and its effect on the environment. You just dropped the flow of the paragraph there. You did it again with “Hell Masquerade”, and since I assumed it is a physical attack, the confusion went in a little deeper. Speaking of confusion:

Quote:
Gennai gasped, and telekinetically moved to the right, barely avoiding the attack with skill.
I didn’t really understand the concept of moving telekinetically. I can see people moving an object telekinetically, but moving themselves telekinetically sounds off without a clear description on how. I’m moving on because we haven spoken about this before.

Anyway, the idea of starting the story off with some action was really good. From your previous works, you hardly start off with action—but then litter almost every other chapter with a battle scene or even two. Personally (I don’t know about anyone else), but I will like to look forward to the battle scene instead of having them all the time. Also, a reader should look forward to the verbal confrontations and conversations too.

*There is a slight detour here.* I’ve noticed that your stories as a whole do not have points where it is lighter. It ranges from pencil grey-to-charcoal black. That could be a turn off to most readers and the reason you are not receiving your ideal amount of viewers/reviewers. Some parts of a story should make you laugh too.

Grammatically, you are getting better at sentence variation. Not a lot of your sentences feel the exact same. You just need to improve on getting from one point to another, the concept of transitioning. For example:

Quote:
Gennai grabbed a hold of the Digi Egg and Digivices, and dematerialized out of the open window, just as Dinobeemon started advancing towards him. The Perfect Digimon buzzed angrily and chased after him. Knowing the DNA Digimon was behind him; Gennai didn’t look back, but continued on towards File Island. He had to make sure that the Digi Egg would be safe, before sending the Digivices out.
To

Quote:
He was assured enough that he and his Watcher companions had sealed the Digimon in a temple in the Digital World a few months back; just as he was sure that the fifth batch of Odaiban Chosen Children would find them. Teleporting swiftly over the ocean, Gennai glanced down towards the water, and saw a serpent shadow underwater. He quickly looked ahead and cursed under his breath. Without warning, MegaSeadramon burst through the surface of the water.
These two paragraphs needed something to link them together better. The last sentence of the first paragraph and the first sentence of the last (wow I that was cool) should flow into each other. You went from talking about the Digi Egg to sealing the Digimon in the temple without a direct link in between two thoughts. Thusly, it came off a bit choppy. It’s a learned skill however, so you can always practice it!

On a side note, the last paragraph was weird. You went from Genei reflecting on sealing the Digimon to him basically realizing “oh crap, I’m still being chased” without any clear link within the paragraph. Sentences within a paragraph should link together as well.

Like I said before, it is a good start. I would have liked to know a little bit about the surroundings since you brought the environment into the fight scene—but I guess you wanted to keep the vagueness. Good luck on the rest and I hope this was helpful.
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