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  #1    
Old July 26th, 2011, 07:15 AM
TheBowsinator's Avatar
TheBowsinator
Pi Lieker
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Age: 15
Gender: Male
This is going to be a short start, and i allready have an idea for the story, so i hope this fanfic is succesfull, maybe not something huge, but just a nice read for people to enjoy

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Chapter 1: A New Hero?


“Get up Shark! Get up! You’ll be late to get your first pokemon!”
“But Mom, its only 6 in the morning. I’ll get up in 9 hours!”
“Get up right now!”
“Fine!”

Shark is your average Pokémon trainer. He just turned 12! That’s enough for him to start his new journey as a Pokémon trainer! Just like his neighbor, Brendan. Both ready to head to Professor Birch’s Lab! There they can finally begin their journey by getting their first starter Pokémon! Shark already knows what he’s getting…

“OK, Mom, I have my running shoes on! I’m going to the Professors!”
“OK, Shark, remember to hold “B”
“Fine, Mom”

In a dash Shark heads on to the lab. Brendan is already there.

“My, you are very late. Anyway, what Pokémon do you want?” says the Professor.

“Mudkip please!”

So now, shark heads on his journey. His mom told him his first stop would be to go to Oldale town, so he can get something from the route above! Seems there’s someone there to deliver something…

Arriving at Oldale Town, Shark see’s a small tree blocking the way into Route 102.

“Ugh, how do I get through here?”

A stranger approaches.

“Here, take this Hidden Machine! It lets you Pokémon cut down trees! But that mudkip can’t learn cut! Here, take a pokeball, and find something else.”

Shark ponders. “Something else? I know! The zigzagoons I saw on the way here!”

Heading back to route 101, he spots a zigzagoon.

“It’s perfect!”

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  #2    
Old July 27th, 2011, 04:45 AM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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There's some things you could work on here I feel - namely considering what parts in the games should translate to a fic and also expanding on what happens as well, but I'll address that as I go.
Quote:
“Get up Shark! Get up! You’ll be late to get your first pokemon!”
“But Mom, its only 6 in the morning. I’ll get up in 9 hours!”
Minor notes would be that a comma should go before/after a name if someone is being addressed directly by said name in dialogue, it's (it is) rather than its (possessive) and that numbers less than 100 should generally be written out with letters (so say nine rather than 9). Lastly although you do with with other paragraphs try using a line spacing in-between dialogue as well, so hence it'd look something like this:
Quote:
“Get up, Shark! Get up! You’ll be late to get your first pokemon!”

“But Mom, it's only six in the morning. I’ll get up in nine hours!”
That and nine hours seems... quite the exaggeration there, although maybe it was purposeful. =p That and having to wake up at 6 o'clock to get a Pokemon seems quite early as well... that's more like a time to have to get up for work or something imo. At any rate I suggest some proof-reading before posting as there's a few of these small mistakes, and you could also ask for a Beta Reader in the Writer's Lounge (basically someone who checks your work before posting and points out mistakes/potential improvements). E.g.:
Quote:
Arriving at Oldale Town, Shark see’s a small tree blocking the way into Route 102.
sees rather than see's - a spell/grammar checker would have likely caught this mistake as well.

I'd suggest some more description here of the main character because beyond his name, the fact he might enjoy sleeping in and that he is 12 - as a note, why is 12 the age here for people to depart on journeys? - we don't know much about his personality nor what he looks like! That makes it hard for us to imagine him. Furthermore the same goes for other characters and the setting as well - say for instance describing how the lab looked like, and how he feels (excited? nervous?) as he goes along Route 102 would make it more interesting to read and also make your story longer as well. At the moment it's basically the bare bones - not much given with what people or places look like, and short conversations - it's not a bad basis but it could use some improvements. I suggest checking out the writing guides (link at the bottom of the rules thread there) and other fics here to see how other people go about it.
Quote:
“OK, Mom, I have my running shoes on! I’m going to the Professors!”
“OK, Shark, remember to hold “B”
“Fine, Mom”
Besides the lack of full-stops/closing quotation marks in the 2nd sentence, I'd also suggest against stuff like this - stuff straight from the games don't make much sense in stories like this unless it's a parody or the such. Think about it - how would you react if your mother told you suddenly when you went off on your grand adventure to 'remember to hold B'? It comes off as weird to me and I suspect other readers if the story isn't a parody or the like, so I'd suggest thinking about it.

Those are a few things I felt were worth mention - I'd suggest editing before working on a new chapter, but as said you have a basis already to use.
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