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  #1    
Old September 29th, 2011, 12:48 AM
Merciless Cremator's Avatar
Merciless Cremator
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AN: A simple Deino's life on Victory Road in Unova.
Rating: Teen. Due to death

Darkness and pain was what most living things feared and tried to avoid in their short lives. For my kind, we are born in darkness and endure pain daily to survive, we do not fear it or love, it's just the way things are for us. As a Deino, I saw nothing and could only hear, feel, smell and taste life that many creatures loved or loathed with a great passion. Some might pity our kind or mistake our blindness as a sign that we're easy prey. From the time we are born till the day we day, our lives are filled with endless battle and struggle to keep going in the darkness we know as life.

We constantly heard the Durants and Heatmors having an endless war with each other, the anguished cries of Durants being burned and eaten by their predator. The Heatmors being injured by Durants and killed by other Durants or any other pokemon that wished to do so. The sound of war and death as well as pain filled our ears from as soon as we hatch from an egg, till we get captured by a human or finally die.

The smell of fear and blood mixed with natural cave smell of rocks, dirt and water. Thus creating a aroma that burned into our noses and brains for a lifetime. The smell of our own blood was terrifying to us at first, yet after years of this kind of living, it became nothing to us. I wondered if this was normal or if this was a sign that we were different from other pokemon.

I loved the taste of water and still do to this very day. Durant, Heatmor and Woobat all taste odd and tangy compared to pure simplicity of water. It also was handy of getting the metallic taste of blood out of my mouth. I'm not quite sure how to describe the taste any more clearly, it doesn't taste as strong or bland as the random gems found time to time in the cave. Yet not as metallic as Durant's body armor is, trying to bite that thing will ruin your teeth.

The rough and dusty ground and cold coolness of the water were what I most familiar with, they almost were relaxing to me. I was always on edge when it came to wind or breezes how ever. Since normally when I felt something brush against my body, it was an attack aimed to end my life and feast upon my dead flesh. Once again, I wondered if all pokemon felt this way, or was it just me, was my paranoia justified or just a sign of insanity?

As I grew older I grew stronger and more numb to the struggles and trails of daily life. I pretty much had no idea what friendship or compassion was, as such things got you killed if you weren't careful. The daily motions of survival and combat were now second nature to me. I learned that my kind was rare, due to our low survival rate. I wondered what life and death really meant in retrospect, yet honestly wondered at the same time would I even care if I knew what they meant. Eventually, I stopped pondering such things and just lived waiting for the day death would finally claim me.

Then one eventful day, I came across a pokemon that was clearly out of my league. My best dragon pulse attack and crunch attack didn't even make it flinch let along show any sign of damage. My heart raced as my body began to shake, I knew this feeling for smelling it on so many others, I knew it by heart.

It was fear.

This would mark the end of my life, the fights and struggles would finally come to a close. All my growth was in vain, my knowledge of the world would vanish as my body was eaten by this much more powerful pokemon. The fact he had never smelled, heard or tasted this pokemon before, only made my heart race faster and fears control me.

“Luxury Ball, go!” A voice said with energy and passion, making new thoughts run through my mind.

Poke ball, Great ball, Ultra ball, Net ball and Dusk ball, all had different names, yet the word ball at the end meant the same thing.

I was fighting a trainer and that trainer wanted me.

I knew little about humans, but the little I did know, made me think that I would never be seen in the cave called my home again.

Humans caught pokemon and after that, the things said about them differ wildly. Some treated them a s pet, taking acre of their every need and only wanting affection in return. Some would trainer them fight other pokemon and other humans with pokemon. At first, this made humans seem sadistic to me, until I learned that none of the pokemon died in battle. They were treated and actually became friends after sometime.

This confused me greatly, humans were mysterious creatures that could bring out the best or the worst in any pokemon they bonded with or claimed ownership of. I turned yo the pokemon that was clearly above my skill and power.

If I followed this train and walked by their side, will my life be any different from before? I knew the answer to this question was yes, but I wondered if it was worth losing my freedom. So far, all I had to do was worry about living. With a trainer, I can grow and be taken care of without the risk of dying in battle.

I felt the ball clash against my skull and it absorbing me into itself. I didn't bother to try to break free, as I knew even if I did manage to escape, I'd be returning to the struggle that seemed almost pointless to me now. I chose to follow under this trainer, to live with this trainer, to fight for this trainer and to defend this trainer from harm.

Until death claimed us all, life would go on as usual at the cave. My presence not being noticed or missed, as I follow this new path. This path was nothing like my life was before being captured, so I had very little to good on other than the fact this path makes me live longer.

Perhaps during my time with this trainer and the pokemon that follow them, I'll learn whats the point to life and death, and possibly learn if I'm normal or not.
---
AN:Thank you all for reading.
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  #2    
Old October 8th, 2011, 06:46 AM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
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This was an all right read - the atmosphere was decent, and the description was nice in parts too (such as the taste of water compared to the taste of the other Pokemon - that was a nice bit there). I feel there's some things that you could touch up here and there to improve this story, but otherwise it's certainly decent.

My main qualm I suppose would be that the Deino narrated a bit too much on specific points. Some things that were already obvious or mentioned cropped up again which did slow down the story in places - I'll mention some instances of that in a bit. There were a few run-on sentences here and there too which would have added to that. I suggest reading sentences aloud to hear how they sound like - if it sounds like it's continuing for too long, then it's likely you need to break it up via something other than commas, be that say a hyphen or semicolon, or a new sentence. Otherwise it also disrupts the flow of the story and can distract/unsettle the reader.

Quote:
Darkness and pain was what most living things feared and tried to avoid in their short lives. For my kind, we are born in darkness and endure pain daily to survive, we do not fear it or love, it's just the way things are for us. As a Deino, I saw nothing and could only hear, feel, smell and taste life that many creatures loved or loathed with a great passion. Some might pity our kind or mistake our blindness as a sign that we're easy prey. From the time we are born till the day we day, our lives are filled with endless battle and struggles to keep going in the darkness we know as life.

Take the bolded sentence for instance - it's a run on sentence as you crammed in multiple subjects into the one sentence. (It begins about talking how they live and then how they feel about it). If you read that out loud, the pause created by the comma doesn't sound like it's doing 'enough' to keep the pace of the sentence steady. In this case I would suggest splitting into two sentences after 'survive' and also reword the bit after it slightly - e.g. 'For my kind, we are born in darkness and endure pain daily to survive. We do not fear or love it; it's just the way things are for us.'. (The semicolon btw is used to combine two parts that could be sentences by themselves that are related in topic.)

In addition, 'day we die' instead of 'day we day', and I suggest also adding an 's' to 'struggle' there (seems to fit in better to me).

Another note that came to my mind is that you make a bit focus that Deino live in darkness; but this seems to suggest that they know what seeing is like and hence aware that darkness isn't all there is (and that they know other Pokemon can see)... but this seems odd to me that they would know about this given they are blind since birth. Even if other Pokemon had told them about seeing instead of eating them, it raises the question of how one can convey the concept of seeing, colour, etc to something that is blind. I suggest maybe some changes to how you use that to the story, or leastways further explanation, as this part was certainly repeated in the story and just kept me thinking 'but how do they know about something other than darkness?'.
The smell of fear and blood mixed with natural cave smell of rocks, dirt and water. Thus creating a aroma that burned into our noses and brains for a lifetime.
Quote:
Yet not as metallic as Durant's body armor is
Quote:
, trying to bite that thing will ruin your teeth.
Another case of a run-on sentence with the comma there - I suggest replacing it with a semi-colon or full stop.
Quote:
The rough and dusty ground and cold coolness of the water were what I most familiar with, they almost were relaxing to me. I was always on edge when it came to wind or breezes how ever. Since normally when I felt something brush against my body, it was an attack aimed to end my life and feast upon my dead flesh. Once again, I wondered if all pokemon felt this way, or was it just me, was my paranoia justified or just a sign of insanity?
Quote:
The same deal as above with the first sentence (the comma after 'most familiar with'). 'how ever' should be one word (however), and the comma after 'was it just me' also doesn’t fit in - again, I'd suggest a semicolon there, or a new sentence.

The third sentence in that paragraph I'd argue is also unnecessary, or at least a touch too much on the telling side - it's been fairly established by now the world for Deino is fairly dangerous so it's almost like a teacher making sure we understand a concept one too many times here. I'd suggest either removing the sentence or reworking it, to show (for instance) how it made the Deino feel - (e.g say... '...however. I always flinched when I felt the cool draft rest on my body and prepared for a potential encounter with a predator' or something along those lines), which'd make for more interesting reading (it doesn't stop mid-paragraph to explain something to us so much, for instance) as well as be more subtle in presenting us with info.
Quote:
They were treated and actually became friends after sometime.
Here you'd want to use 'some time' I feel.

Quote:
This confused me greatly, humans were mysterious creatures that could bring out the best or the worst in any pokemon they bonded with or claimed ownership of. I turned yo the pokemon that was clearly above my skill and power.
I suggest splitting up the first sentence around 'greatly' (... me greatly. Humans were...). to instead of yo there as well, and the last sentence is also repeating something we already were told (in that his opposition is stronger than himself). Be careful not to establish facts like that too often; once will do.

Quote:
If I followed this train and walked by their side, will my life be any different from before?
trainer. I also felt the monologue about 'would my life change' to be too drawn out - again a bit too much of telling us his thoughts (and a bit odd as well - we're told how trainers treat Pokemon they catch which is clearly different to his current life, and then he wonders if it would be different). I feel it would be better if you had say shown us how his life had changed after the capture, or went a different route and had him say weight up the possibilities some more of how his life could change. At any rate, to me it sounded more like a case of how rather than if.

Quote:
I'll learn whats the point to life and death
what's (what is).


Overall not bad, certainly - I just feel it could use some editing in letting this story hit its full potential.
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