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  #1    
Old May 2nd, 2013, 12:15 PM
symmetry1427
Founder of Swag Creations
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant

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AN;
Hey guys! I am debuting here on PC with the prologue of my first fic, The Dead Zone. All of my fics on here will be basic novelizations of hacks I've enjoyed, with a few fun twists thrown in.
This was inspired by the hack, Pokemon Snakewood, which was tons of fun to play. The storyline won't be identical, and many of the main characters will be replaced with OC's, but you can expect a dark and plot driven story full of adventure, romance, and mystery!

MASS DISCLAIMER; As said above, this story was inspired by Pokemon Snakewood, which I DO NOT OWN, and though many of the names will be changes, along with parts of the storyline, its is, over all, the property of Snakewood and it's creator.


____________________________________________________________________________________________________




The Dead Zone

Prologue



I don't remember exactly how it happened- the entire town exploding around me made sure of that- but I do remember the sound of people screaming as it all came down around them, and thefeeling of being whipped around like a ragdoll. When I finally managed to open my eyes and look around, hours had passed. The sun was setting, the sky was filled with plumes of black smoke that blocked out the son, and all around me, nothing stood as it once was. In fact, nothing stood at all, and where buildings, homes, and people once stood, there was now noting but blackened piles of ashes and charred remains. I was hardly any better off, covered from head to toe in soot, body smeared with blood and grime, and so sore it was nearly unbearable to open my eyes.

My first thought out of the gate was 'I must be in Hell"
The second thought- or realization, rather- was that I had no idea who I was, where I was, or what I was doing there.



As I stumbled to my feet, head whirling and stomach threatening to empty it's contents, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of rush. It was as if I was supposed to be doing something or going somewhere, as if there was something I was forgetting that I desperately needed to remember. And from that, a most unsettling panic began to rise. Looking around groggily at the ruins of the building I was surrounded by, it was then that I spotted the red and white ball laying discarded in a pile of rubble and the remains of a table.Like a scavenger I scooped it up, because in it was a strange familiarity, a light in the darkness around me.

And that was how they found me, the only survivor of the Littleroot explosion.

But Littleroots not the only place that's been hit by disaster. All over the region people and pokemon have been mutating into zombie like beings, attacking and killing everything in their path. They're calling these places Dead Zones, and there's a lot of them. To make things all the more sinister, some of the infected people are capable of actually commanding the zombified pokemon, making it even harder for survivors to get to Safe Areas, like Oldale Town.

That's currently where I am, sitting in the towns Pokemon Center, waiting for one of the officers to come back and question me...




___________________________________________________________________________________________________




A Really Long AN; Well, that was the Prologue. It was short, but then again, it's only the introductory page- all chapters after this will be much longer. If this sounds like something you would be interested in reading, or you'd like to see what other Hacks I plan on writing about, just check out my profile.

REVIEWS WILL GET CHAPTERS UP FASTER!

I'm a review addict, so if you want me to post multiple chapters a week, make sure you REALLY let me know how much you want it :D

I am also looking for an active Beta Reader- I hope to have chapters up on a weekly basis, if not more often, and need someone whose as active and dedicated to read over my work and give me pointers.

PS; The protagonist is a male, just for the record
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  #2    
Old May 3rd, 2013, 02:09 PM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 20
Gender:
Nature: Impish
Quote:
Originally Posted by symmetry1427 View Post
As said above, this story was inspired by Pokemon Snakewood, which I DO NOT OWN, and though many of the names will be changes, along with parts of the storyline, its is, over all, the property of Snakewood and it's creator.
This story's very existence flatters me. I like that.

Well, I can't resist a truckful of zombies at the best of times, and it would be downright rude of me not to say a word or two in passing about something that's risen up from my most, ah, notorious creation. While I may have divorced myself from Snakewood in recent years, I'm still proud enough of its success to take it as a compliment that you enjoyed it enough to write this.

I don't, however, envy the task that awaits you: namely, distilling a coherent storyline out of it. The philosophy of Snakewood was literally 'hey, that seems cool, let's have that happen next', and I look forward to seeing what story you forge the raw lump of lunacy into.

A word, though: I have no problem with you making a story based on Snakewood, but if you're planning to draw heavily on any other hackers' work for other stories, then you might want to contact them first and ask permission. It would generally be considered polite to ask about using someone's creation before going ahead and using it.

OK, acknowledgements/exultation/general advice over. Let's get on to the actual story, shall we?

Quote:
Originally Posted by symmetry1427 View Post
I don't remember exactly how it happened- the entire town exploding around me made sure of that- but I do remember the sound of people screaming as it all came down around them, and thefeeling of being [/FONT][/SIZE]whipped around like a ragdoll.
Or let's not. First and foremost, something needs to be done about the formatting. I'm not sure why, but the text of the story changes size and even typeface in midsentence. It's off-putting, and it's likely to drive off more than one potential reader. I'd keep it all in the same style, if I were you - the forum default being the best and simplest choice.

Also, don't centre it. It's almost as off-putting as the font and size changes; it makes it much harder to read. Unless there's a genuine reason for altering the formatting, it's usually best to leave it alone so that people can read it better.

However, I'm not sure how much of your odd formatting is intentional: things like this are appearing when I try to quote your post, which means something may have gone wrong when it was posted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by symmetry1427 View Post
[SIZE=3][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2][SIZE=2]
That's not normal. And I don't think you put it in there intentionally, either. The forum seems to be messing around with you a bit there, and if that's the case I apologise for telling you something you probably already knew about how to format a story for easy readability.

OK, now we're going to get to the story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by symmetry1427 View Post
As I stumbled to my feet, head whirling and stomach threatening to empty it's contents,
Well, maybe not just yet. Let's deal with the grammatical issues first; they're easier to define. This is the wrong sort of 'its'; 'it's' is only acceptable as a contraction for 'it is', so this possessive instance ought to be 'its'. There is also an extra space between 'empty' and the contentious 'it's', although that's more of a typo than anything else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by symmetry1427 View Post
But Littleroots not the only place that's been hit by disaster.
This ought to be 'Littleroot's' - it's a contraction of 'Littleroot is', not a plural form. Some might take issue with using a contraction in the first place, but given the conversational tone you're taking, I'd say go for it. Just get the apostrophes in the right place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by symmetry1427 View Post
happened- the entire town exploding around me made sure of that- but
Those hyphens need to be dashes, and they need to have spaces on either side of them. The same applies to the other set you use further down the page. Although, to be honest I doubt many people would notice if you used hyphens, as long as they had spaces on either side; I know some keyboards don't have a shortcut for typing dashes, and it can be very annoying to insert them manually.

But hey! So far, these are all minor issues - a dubious point of grammar here, an aberrant formatting decision there. They'll only take a few minutes to fix, and those few minutes of time invested will do wonders for the presentation of the story.

Speaking of which - now we really will get onto the story. Promise.

Quote:
Originally Posted by symmetry1427 View Post
All over the region people and pokemon have been [SIZE=2]mutating into zombie like beings,[SIZE=2] attacking and killing everything in their path. They're calling these places Dead Zones, and there's a lot of them. To make things all the more sinister, some of the infected people [SIZE=2]are capable of actually commanding the zombified pokemon, making it even harder for survivors to get to Safe Areas, like Oldale Town.
This is too much, I feel. There's an old adage about writing that's been quoted to death but is still relevant: 'Show, don't tell'. All of this would have a much greater impact if it were revealed as it goes along - if we experienced the protagonist being told these things by other survivors, or working them out as he goes along. What you're giving us here is a huge piece of information that's hard to take in and doesn't have a lot of impact. Give it to the readers slowly, over the course of the first few chapters, and it'll come across a lot better. I'd suggest leading up to the same final sentence - it sets up expectations for the rest of the story nicely - but without having the protagonist simply deliver a large dollop of exposition.

Also, your prologue reads a little like a first chapter, really. A prologue would give us a glimpse of the story to come, without much explanation: yours gives us a glimpse, but plunges us right into the action of the story as well, and gives a lengthy explanation to boot. A prologue is a small tidbit to entice the reader to move on to the story, whereas this is part of the story.

Other than that, I don't have too much else to say. There's not a lot of material for me to review as of yet, but I'm intensely curious to see what you'll make of my weird attempt to make a game, and I can never resist following a story with zombies and the prospect of possible future oddness. You have my attention, and I shall return to this thread to await the story proper.

Good luck!

F.A.B.
__________________

For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.

Last edited by Cutlerine; May 3rd, 2013 at 02:11 PM. Reason: I wrote 'Talk, don't show' instead of 'Show, don't tell'. Can you believe my idiocy?
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