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  #1    
Old January 15th, 2012, 07:55 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Notes: Living up to my New Year's resolution: start and finish a multi-chaptered fic. This idea has just clung in my head for a while. I kind of suspect John Lennon quotes. Anyway, criticism and reviews are always helpful and very much appreciated. Also, this is basically an OT fic.

Oh almost forgot, this is rated PG-13 just because I want to be safe with a bit of vulgar language. And violence probably.

Hopping on Cloud Nine

Prologue: Walking on Air

I guess I just wasn't meant to be happy.

Then again, I don't even know what happiness is. I can't tell it apart from an emotion or a state. When I think of happiness, I don't think of a smile. I don't think of a light. I imagine nothing, a void of no feeling. If I think about it, it wasn't always like this.

I had a modest group of friends. On summer days, we'd go fishing for magikarp to see who could catch the largest. Then we'd see who could throw the farthest. It was a time of innocence and ignorance. When you're in school, nothing bothers you other than who's the fastest and who's the tallest. I miss those days. Happiness meant something to me.

My friends and I attended the same school, the Trainers' Academy in Rustboro. It was mandatory for all people who wanted to train pokemon to graduate from a certified academy. Of course, we wanted to. We stayed at the school, getting holidays and a few weekends off.

I dared to hope on that last day. We had just finished the graduation ceremony. Everyone who passed the exams received a plastic card with their name on it. They cherished it as if it was a plump diamond in their hands. They were our trainer's licenses. Our dreams were now just a step closer. The world lay ahead of us, waiting for a decision. I placed mine in my pocket the second I got it. School was finally over. I stood silently and let the scene sink for one last second. I glanced at the back of the dry classroom before walking into the humid summer air.

I moved down the street in a trance-like state as a taillow flock loudly soared overhead. I was unsure. Tomorrow was the day I was supposed to leave. I was having second thoughts, even though everything was set in stone. I approached the bus stop at the far end of the street, just a small distance from the Rustboro tunnel. I remember hearing the distant screeches of the whismur as I imagined they huddled together in the depths of the cave. The single bus was parked on the pavement, its engine roaring as people entered orderly. This bus's route followed through to Verdanturf to Mauville. I lived between both cities.

I bounded up the metallic steps and through the long hall of leather seats. I quickly paced my way through the aisle, bumping the legs and arms of other students. I made my way towards the back and sat down.

"Hey," the girl in the seat said. Her name was Ellie. She looked away from the window and stared at me with a broad smile. She moved her backpack off the seat and onto the floor, making enough room for me.

I sat there wordlessly. I shuffled closer to her so that I was more in the seat rather than in the aisle. The full impact of what was about to happen tomorrow hit me again. I cleared my throat and said, "This was our last day, wasn't it?"

She blinked twice before reaching in her bag and pulled out her own trainer card. She beamed with pride. "This speaks for itself doesn't it?"

I smiled back.

"I'm all set too! My mom helped me out a bit with the packing, but I really got everything," she went on. "That egg you gave me hatched, so I got my starter! I don't even need to see the professor or anything."

"That's great! And just in time too."

"Lucky me, right?" Ellie looked at her feet as they dangled from the seat.

I sighed. It wasn't an unhappy sigh. It was content. The breath escaped my lips as if I was relaxing. I leaned back in the leather seat as the bus jerked forward and began moving. I looked at her and found that she had her face nearly pressed up against the window, watching the greens of the trees pass by in a blur. I felt the bus tilt as we began ascending the rocky terrain. The horizon hid behind the treetops.

I cleared my throat. "So . . ."

She turned away from the window. Ellie looked at me with round and expectant eyes. "Hmm?"

"I was kind of wondering . . . if you wanted to travel with me," I practically mumbled. I bent my head down. My hair fell over and hid my eyes.

"I didn't hear the last part," she giggled lightly. "Can you say that again?"

I looked up with newfound courage. It deflated as soon as I saw her face inches away from mine. I gulped and asked, "Will you travel with me?"

I can remember she had a strange look on her face, one that I had never seen before on her. I was sure it wasn't disgust or some kind of rejection. It was almost excited but sad at the same time. She parted her lips and began speaking. "I-"

A powerful roar pierced the bus's windows and shattered them. Glass shards flew straight in like hail. I buried my face into my arms, the course crystals raining down into my hair. The bus stopped immediately, tires squealing with agony. Our bodies lurched forward and hit the leathery cushions. I tumbled into the gap between the seats. My hands shook as I tried pulling myself up. Ellie grabbed my arm and helped me up. "You okay?"

I gulped and nodded. She sighed and gently eased me back. She put a hand on my shoulder, but said nothing more. A few people moaned as they complained about their pains. The passengers in front of us stood up and looked around. One boy stuck his head out the window.

Ellie did the same, asking, "Do you see anything?"

"I don't see anything out here." The boy shrugged and sat back down. "I just wanna go home."

"Me too," I murmured. My head was throbbing. Black engulfed the edges of my vision. I blinked slowly, hoping to regain some focus. I barely noticed the stomping, creeping closer and closer.

Someone cried out, but I can't remember what he said. Everyone turned to where he was pointing.

Then I remember the sensation of flying.

Last edited by psyanic; February 23rd, 2012 at 02:45 PM.
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  #2    
Old January 18th, 2012, 06:13 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Ah, my first fan fiction review evar! Im not sure you're going to agree with me on some subjects. After all I've only been here on PC for about or less than a month. So yeah, not sure if you're going to listen to me much, but I'll give it an honest attempt even if I'm not an experienced reviewer...yet.


Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
My friends and I attended the same school, the Trainer's Academy in Rustboro. It was mandatory for all people to graduate from a certified academy to train pokemon. Of course, we wanted to. We stayed at the school, getting holidays and a few weekends off.


Does it have to be “mandatory” to attend a Pokemon school to train Pokemon? Sure, attending a pokemon school is awesome, but I see that as more of a luxury than a necessity. I mean compare it with the trainer academy in Kanto. That school is really convenient! They give you 8 badges upon graduation and a automatic registration to the Pokemon league. Sure its not the same thing as the Hoenn Trainer Academy, but the luxury of teaching you about Pokemon is about the same. But on a logical note, most people get trainer cards from Pokemon centers anyway.


But on a side note, Hoenn could be have imposed sticter laws on pokemon trainers, in your fandom. Which means everything I noted on the top is irrelevant. Which really doesn't bother me, but it did come up on my mind as I read.


I am no expert in sentence structure but I do feel like you could alter the sentences to make it smoother to read. At times, I found myself re-reading sentences in another way that sounded more smoother to me. I'm not sure if It would sound smoother for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
The full of effect of what was about to happen tomorrow hit me again.

You included an extra “of”

Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post

A taillow flock flew overhead, cawing loudly. I moved down the street in a slight trance.
It would sound more smoother to me if it was worded like this.

I walked down the street in trance-like state as the flock of Taillow loudly soared overhead.

And..

Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
I approached the bus stop at the far end of the street. It was a small distance from the Rustboro tunnel.
I approached the bus stop at the far end of the street just a small distance from the Rustboro tunnel.

Again, I think it would sound more smoother if I was just one sentence.


Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
I bounded up the metallic steps and through the long hall of leather seats on both sides. I hurriedly moved past the legs and arms stuck out in the aisle, most belonging to other students. I made my way towards the back and sat down.

I re-wrote that paragraph in my head and worded it differently.

I walked up the metallic steps of the bus's entrance and made my way through the narrow passage of leather seats. I quickly paced through the aisle, bumping into the legs and arms of other students. I finally arrived at the back seat and sat down.

We know that a bus has two sets of seats. So I don't think you need to remind us, unless it has more.

Last but not least...


Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
There was a roar that interrupted her. It shattered the windows on the bus so that the shards sprayed onto the other passengers. It flew in as if it was harsh snow.


We can tell that she was interrupted because the roar event happened as soon as she began to speak.


A powerful roar pierced through the bus's windows and shattered them. The shards fell on the passengers like a harsh hailstorm.


Or snow. But, I think It would sound more painful if I was like hail. I mean glass shattering all around you wouldn't be lake having snow fall on you. It would probably sting like hail, and hail is just as white as snow. I rather be in a harsh snowstorm than a harsh hailstorm
LOL hail = hell, it stings like hell.


To be honest, there is a bit more to be desired in terms of a sentence structure and how you describe some of the events in 1st person. The only problems I had where with the wording. But...I’m a sucker for romance in Pokemon. Romance and character chemistry gets me going and I feel like you got some of that here! But, I felt you could have done a better job expressing the stories events.

Might I add..It was very short.. = (

Well, there is my review, for now anyway! It's finally great to some of your pokemon fan fiction work. I'd to see where you take your characters from here, like what is the OT's name, the whole story is past tense so he's speaking from memory. So i really want to know what he is up too, and Ellie two. What are their starters?! So I'll keep checking back and leave some words once you get more chapters up. Good luck!

Last edited by DarkIceForever; January 18th, 2012 at 06:18 PM. Reason: there is not their
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  #3    
Old January 18th, 2012, 07:48 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Thanks for dropping by and giving a review! Seriously, I appreciate it. And it doesn't really matter how long you've been on PC, a review is a review right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
Does it have to be “mandatory” to attend a Pokemon school to train Pokemon? Sure, attending a pokemon school is awesome, but I see that as more of a luxury than a necessity.
Yeah, I'm just making up my own little world here xD I didn't know about the whole Kanto academy... I kind of based this slightly off the anime with Roxanne's school, except I didn't really elaborate on it. I meant for the character to be attending the Beginner's School, which is pretty straightforward from the name. I just got lazy there.

Actually, making my story flow was a major concern for me as well. I read through parts and all and it just didn't work for me either. I kind of blame reviewing at 1 in the morning as well as writing at the same time... along with trying to study for exams. Thanks for pointing it out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever
Or snow. But, I think It would sound more painful if I was like hail. I mean glass shattering all around you wouldn't be lake having snow fall on you. It would probably sting like hail, and hail is just as white as snow. I rather be in a harsh snowstorm than a harsh hailstorm
LOL hail = hell, it stings like hell.
Yeah, I kind of thought snow with glass since I wanted to image of powdery... I'm leaning towards sand since it fits the image as well as the texture at the same time. Hail stings, but the problem is it's so clunky and uneven unless you get like those really small pieces. But definitely not snow I agree xD

It was a bit short because it's just a prologue, ya know? And that also means you'll figure out what everyone is doing... later. Probably. No idea when the next chapter is coming up, since I've been busy "studying" and all that jazz. Thanks for your review and I'll start working on fixing it!

Edit: Fixed
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Last edited by psyanic; January 18th, 2012 at 07:59 PM.
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  #4    
Old February 6th, 2012, 06:35 AM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 20
Gender:
Nature: Impish
Why is it that I want to open every review I do with the line 'This is a very pretty piece of paganism'? It's never appropriate, and yet every time I hit the reply button the phrase leaps unbidden to my mind...

Anyway, that's not the point; I just had to get that off my chest. The review's the thing. That's why I'm here.

Overall, this is a strange and intriguing piece of writing. You employ a weird writing style that I kind of love and hate at the same time: short, choppy sentences that leap from event to event to emotion to concept without any warning or softness; it's disconcerting to read, and it makes this whole thing seem like a dream. On one level, this annoys me because the text is resisting the reader, and I don't think that's what you're trying to do; on another, I can't help but think that it's quite effective in creating a sense of unreality. Since this was a prologue (though it kind of reads like an opening chapter until you get to the end) I have no idea what's going to happen or if that was what you wanted, so I'll leave that to you.

There are a few things I can definitely point out, though. For instance, you have (as was pointed out above) a tendency to word things oddly, to use words out of place or simply put them together in strange orders. I have a few examples that I'll go through:

Quote:
It was mandatory for all people to graduate from a certified academy to train pokemon.
The 'to train pokemon' ought to go at the start of the sentence, otherwise it's quite difficult to make any sense of. Let me demonstrate:

Quote:
It was mandatory for all people who wanted to train pokemon to graduate from a certified academy.
That's so much easier to read; as it is, the reader gets to what they think is the end of the sentence and finds an extra three words there, and it really disrupts the flow.

Quote:
I stood silently and let the scene sink in before walking out of the dry classroom and into the humid summer air.
There's something that seems a little off about this sentence. I think it's because you wrote that someone stands (presumably for a while) before walking out. The waiting is kind of cut short by the rest of the sentence; it's hard to explain, but I think it would have more impact as two sentences. This might be due to the full stop emphasising the pause, but I won't even bother to speculate about that.

Quote:
We could see the gray sky poking out above the forest.
There are things that poke out from behind things, and there are things that do not. Saying that the sky pokes out above the forest is like saying that the backdrop on the stage pokes out from behind the actors: it makes sense on a purely technical level, but it's such a bizarre way of wording it that it comes across as plain wrong to an actual human reading it.

These sorts of little mistakes are peppered over the story; I won't go through them all, but there are two more I really must point out.

Quote:
The full effect of what was about to happen tomorrow hit me again.
You mean 'impact', not 'effect'.

Quote:
A powerful roar pierced the bus's windows and shattered them. Glass shards flew straight in like a raging sandstorm. I shut my eyes and felt the powdery glass sting my eyelids. The only thing I heard was the pounding in my ears. I forced my eyes open and looked over at Ellie, but she remained mostly calm. She sat with her hands over her ears and closed her eyes without a sound.
This one is probably the biggest stylistic failure of the whole prologue, which is one of those phrases that makes me feel like I'm being very mean to write it. It's far too wooden for what's happening. You're writing in the first person, but the narrator is presented as totally detached from his or her environment; there seems to be no reaction on their part at all. Aside from that, there are other people on the bus: they ought to be screaming, shouting, ducking for cover; the normal reaction to flying glass (which in actual fact is more like hail than sand, unless this is some seriously weird glass) is to duck and cover your face rather than to just close your eyes. It's not a matter of knowing, either - this is a purely instinctive reaction. The human body knows exactly how important your eyes are, and when they're in danger it will shield them as best it can. Finally, the terms actually used to describe the breaking windows and the glass just don't seem to do the event justice.

I mean, this accident is obviously a pivotal moment in your narrator's life. They're writing retrospectively, obviously, because they focus so much on the image of the bus and the street before the accident - so, though they are undoubtedly a person of few words, you would expect them to pour as much energy into the description of the accident as possible.

Right. I know I tend to rant about style, so I'll cut myself short before I work myself up into a battle fever. I'll just point out one last thing.

Quote:
My friends and I attended the same school, the Trainer's Academy in Rustboro.
Currently, the way this is punctuated means that the Academy belongs to just one Trainer. Since multiple Trainers are educated there, the name ought to feature the plural possessive:

Quote:
My friends and I attended the same school, the Trainers' Academy in Rustboro.
Aaand... that pretty much concludes my criticisms. It's not that this is a bad piece of writing, but that it feels unfinished. If you take the time to go back over it and refine it a little - especially the clunkiness, which is the single biggest turn-off for me in any story - I'm certain it would be great. After all, the underlying idea - set up a slightly ominous opening, have something surprising happen and leave the reader on a cliffhanger - is completely solid. I'm going to have to read on just to see what happens next; if it continues in this vein, it looks to be a very enjoyable story.

F.A.B.
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  #5    
Old February 6th, 2012, 07:25 AM
treecko's awesomeness's Avatar
treecko's awesomeness
Treecko Breeder
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Well, I'm glad I saw this, and I'm excited to return the favor of a review!

I didn't notice any grammatical errors (although, as I've mentioned, my grammar sucks), and the plot and imagery were great. Like Cutlerine said though, your sentences did seem a bit choppy.

Another thing that threw me off was the whole sandstorm comparison. Glass really isn't anything like sand. It's a lot more like hail.

I really did like the opening, though. It was probably one of my favorite parts of the prologue. It succeeds in introducing the main character very well, a problem that can be very difficult in first-person fics.

The characters overall were really a strong point. I feel like even with just a small amount of description and dialogue, both Ellie and the main character were given strong personalities.

The only real problem I see with your characters is the lack of description of their reaction to the wreck. Ellie came across as level headed through the whole thing, but other than that, not much information was given.

Overall, the whole story's awesome so far. Just a few issues that you can fix pretty easily. Keep up the good work!

-TA
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  #6    
Old February 6th, 2012, 05:53 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Whoa. Didn't see these reviews... Thanks for the replies!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutlerine
You employ a weird writing style that I kind of love and hate at the same time: short, choppy sentences that leap from event to event to emotion to concept without any warning or softness; it's disconcerting to read, and it makes this whole thing seem like a dream.
When I was writing this, I was experimenting with the writing style. I was just done with finishing a crap-load of essays mixed with a lot of reading random novels. I guess the two mixed together in my mind and. . . this came out. But it did get really weird with the wording. I still have to find my style, so that's definitely a work in progress.

I don't know how I missed describing the bus scene. I feel stupid. I guess I rushed through it or something, which I really shouldn't have done. Oh well. Fortunately, or really unfortunately, I got into a car accident like a week ago. Now I can hopefully describe it better. I'll need to remember it all, but yeah. Working on it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness
Another thing that threw me off was the whole sandstorm comparison. Glass really isn't anything like sand. It's a lot more like hail.
Dang, I swore I fixed that. Or did I make it into sand? Can't remember. Wait, I probably didn't do anything.

Anyway, thanks again for pointing out my mistakes! I appreciate it, seriously. I'd hug you all for your reviews, but you'd probably enjoy it.

Fixed
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  #7    
Old February 21st, 2012, 08:23 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Notes: Well, that was a long time. I had this chapter hostage for a little over a month. Actually, I got lazy/busy/whatever-excuse so yeah. I finally sat down and just wrote down junk. Cheer for procrastination and all his friends!

Chapter 1: Intersections



Screams. Cracks. Tears.

Land and sky flipped. I was facing the smoky sky; gas filled my nostrils. It took a second for me to realize that I was alive. Then the pain crashed down on me. I blinked again. Multicolored wires, sparks, and rust chips fluttered around me like bloody snowflakes.

Her arms jiggled. Ellie was moving.

“Don’t move,” I whispered to her, no air for shouting. She glanced at me. Maybe she heard. I closed my eyes and listened to my heartbeat, slowing with each breath. I lay there and I couldn’t do a damned thing about it.


---


It was dusk when the battle was at its finale. Dim lights bounced off the clear windows. Occasional flashes escaped from the gym like streaks of lightning.

The few people in the stands watched intently as the black bird sliced through the air, narrowly avoiding the jet stream of water, which soared just below its feathery collar. It cawed, mocking the lone kingdra planted inside the gym’s pool, stuck within the center. The crow’s beak curved into a smile as stars shot into the air. Shrill cackles bounced around the walls when the Swift attack pelted its wings. The kingdra prepared to strike again, but the crow flew higher and higher, just out of range. Feathers fluttered down, mangled and torn, the kingdra staring through them with angry, squinted eyes.

We won’t win at this rate, Clair thought grimly. The honchkrow kept close to the ceiling flying in circles, almost as if it refused to attack. Wait a minute. Her pokemon heaved and forced itself to attack again. There was a glower on the gym leader's face, frowning upon her opponent's tactics. She had to come up with a way to even the odds.

But it was too late. Vulgar taunts had long provoked the kingdra. It ignored its trainer and shot more water at a noticeably weaker propulsion, water dripping from its snout as it heaved to catch its breath.

“Nice work, Gummy!” the challenger shouted. The honchkrow winked at its trainer and banked away from the next attack, laughing as fatigue wore down the kingdra's face. Only a few more seconds and it’ll all be over, he thought.

“Stop damn it!” the gym leader shouted through grit teeth. To her relief, the kingdra stopped for a few moments to catch its breath. Clair sighed in relief and began to mouth an order, but the kingdra had plans of its own. An orb formed at its agape mouth, crackling with energy. The gym leader groaned and could only watch her dragon squirm.

But the honchkrow was ready. Just as it was trained, it bide its time and waited for the perfect moment. A glint appeared in the dragon's eyes as the crow flapped its wings one last time, straightening its neck to become an inky blur. Sucker Punch, the gym leader realized. The Hyper Beam went off and sailed into the roof. Water splashed high into the air and met the falling debris. Clair shielded her eyes from the dust, also hiding her gloom.

The challenger stood with his arms crossed, grinning maliciously. His strategy worked to perfection. Soft mist dispersed as the honchkrow flapped its ebony wings and glided back smoothly onto its trainer’s shoulder.

Clair’s kingdra remained in place, unmoving. Slowly, the gym leader grabbed her pokeball and returned the pokemon, letting a heavy sigh escape her lips. She clipped the ball back onto her belt, the loss plaguing her mind. The challenger strut over with a wide grin. When he reached her, he held out his hand, which met her detesting glare.

Clair reluctantly pulled out a badge and slapped it on the challenger’s skin. “Congratulations kid,” she forced herself to say, words dripping with acid.

“My name’s Cole, not kid. Didn’t you hear that when I challenged you?” He smirked and shook her hand. Cole laughed and waved as he left, the badge caught the light of the sun and shined for a brief moment.

A girl bumped into him. “Hey loser.”

“Hi idiot,” he responded, dusting his shoulder off.

“You know, you were an ass that whole battle.”

“The badge speaks for itself.” He waved it in front of her face.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a duplicate. “I won mine too, doofus.”

“Whatever.” Cole reached into his pocket and pulled out two wrapped pieces of gum. He fed one to his honchkrow. It chewed on the gum vigorously, wrapper and all. And then he popped the other piece into his mouth.

“Your strategy was so predictable. I would have beat you,” she said firmly.

“That’s because I use that strategy for every gym, so of course you’d know it sis. Don’t try to act so special.”

Chloe shrugged. She didn’t feel like arguing anymore. “Is it even healthy for Gummy to chew gum?”

“Beats me. Gummy hasn’t choked or anything so I think it’s fine.” The bird nodded and continued chewing.

She shook her head. The two trainers walked down the dusty street. A fat, pink bubble continually inflated and popped, each burst making a crisp crack to fill the silence. They walked until they realized they didn’t have any destination in mind.

Cole stopped first, holding his sister back from moving any further. “Chloe, where are we going again?”

The girl turned back to her brother, uncertain. She thought for a moment and grinned. Cole blinked. Chloe said, “We have a few weeks until the Silver Conference. We both have all our badges so how about a short vacation? I want to relax for a bit.”

“I don’t know. I thought we’d be training,” he pondered. “But hey, we haven’t seen any of the others for a while have we? We could see them again. We only chat on the phone, so meeting up sounds like a good idea.”

“Sure, why not? I think they all have their badges. Do you have your pokegear on you?” Cole nodded and pulled it out from his pocket. He held it away before she could grab it. “Hey what’s the big idea?”

“Why do you want to use mine? You have your own.”

“Mine’s dead.” He rolled his eyes and handed it to her. Chloe turned it on and began looking through his contacts. “So who should we call first?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Cole stepped away from her and sat at a vacant bench. He returned his honchkrow and relaxed on the painted wood, drowning out the sounds of his sister pounding numbers into the pokegear.

---

The sun dipped below the horizon as Goldenrod began to fall asleep. Shops started to close down; streetlights flickered on. The few pedestrians hurried home for supper.

A boy pushed the doors open and left the Game Corner, his hypno strolling beside him. He wiped his forehead with a sleeve. He frowned as he saw the sweat embedded into the fabric. He lightly flapped the collar of his shirt and continued down the street. The two deviated from the main street and wandered into the narrow alleyways.

The hypno wrinkled his elongated nose with two pudgy fingers. The alleys had a strange smell to them, and the hypno wondered how his trainer became resilient to the odors. He looked up at his trainer, wondering. “Are you okay with this Tate?”

The boy went on further, his eyes locked ahead. “With what?”

“Never mind,” the hypno turned away.

“No. What do you want Soma?”

“I said forget it. I’m done with the same conversations. We’ve been together for what, five years? I’m not arguing anymore. Do whatever the hell you want. You won’t listen to me anyway.” The pokemon avoided his trainer’s dull stare and suddenly became interested in shining his pendulum. Tate sighed, but spoke no more. Their footsteps echoed in the empty alley. A chilled summer breeze passed by, their hair flickered with the wind. They reached the end of the passage and faced the dark harbor.

The trainer’s pocket lit up as his pokegear began ringing. He carefully fished it out and frowned after he read the caller ID.

“Who is it?” Soma asked. He craned his neck up to get a better view, but couldn’t make out the letters.

“Cole.”

“Are you going to pick it up or send it to voicemail?”

Tate turned away and clicked the answer button. He held the receiver to his ear and spoke softy into the microphone, “Hello?”

“Um . . . hey, is this Tate?” The voice was feminine.

“Yeah, who’s calling?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t recognize me! It’s Chloe!” the other side giggled. “I just stole Cole’s phone since mine kind of died.”

“Oh,” Tate said, flatly.

“So how have you been?”

“Fine.”

Chloe clicked her tongue. “That’s a short answer. You almost never answer our calls and all. We haven’t seen each other for a while, you know that?”

“What’s your point?” he replied bluntly.

“Snappy, snappy,” Chloe said. She almost laughed as she talked. “Well, I was trying to get everyone together again. It’ll be like before, ya know?”

Tate thought for a moment before saying, “Who do you mean ‘everyone’?”

“All of us. We’re all in Johto this year, so I think it’s a good idea. We haven’t properly met up since . . . you know.”

He balled up a fist by his leg and bit his lip. A second passed by before Tate relaxed and leaned on the harbor railing. The night sea swelled up into his nostrils. He closed his eyes and said, “Okay. When and where are we meeting?”

“I was thinking about Goldenrod, since we could do a lot there. And as soon as possible, but if you can’t make it right now that’s okay.”

He hesitated and said, “No, I can make it.”

“Good! I think I’ll call you once we get into Goldenrod, so keep your pokegear with ‘cha! Okay? Bye Tate!” She hung up and left him with the flat tone.

He leisurely dropped his phone back in his pocket and leaned over the rustic rail. A cargo ship bellowed as it eased itself into the harbor. Tate sighed heavily and stared at his fidgeting fingers.

The hypno spoke up, “Looks like you’re booked up for a while.” The trainer eyed him. “I think it’s great.”

Tate walked off towards the outskirts of the city. The hypno followed him obediently, flicking the gleaming pendulum into motion as he went.

Clink.

Last edited by psyanic; February 26th, 2012 at 07:13 PM.
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  #8    
Old February 22nd, 2012, 07:00 AM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
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Well, Chapter One's certainly interesting. It's much less disjointed than the prologue, while still retaining that characteristic style - so there's some massive improvement there, which is always good to see.

Not too much has happened in terms of plot, so there's not much I can say about that yet other than that it's an interesting start. You've got a nice range of characters as well, and the fact that I can say that means you've laid out their personalities quite well in a short space of time, which is a testament to your Author Power.

Now, on to the fun bit regrettable negatives. You open in media res, which is a classic way of grabbing the reader's attention - but unfortunately the description of the battle isn't too great. It's flat and a little wooden; the Honchkrow does this, the Kingdra does that, the Honchkrow ignores the attack and flies in a little circle. Alter the sentence structure a little. Make things more dynamic. Short, blunt sentences like you're using there are good for getting facts across, but they lack the energy you need to accurately convey a sense of action.

I think that the dialogue could use a little work in places, too. Take this, for instance:

Quote:
“Looks like you’re booked up for a while.” The trainer eyed him. “I think it’s great. Better than our most recent company anyway . . .”
It doesn't really sound like something someone would say. I've never heard someone say 'our most recent company', and I'm willing to bet that I never will. For the most part, your dialogue is fine - but at times like this, it isn't all that convincing.

Your prose is also very... unadventurous. For the most part, your sentences are as short as they can possibly be, rarely extending over two clauses. It might be purely a matter of personal taste, but I think I'm justified in pointing out that it makes the story a lot less interesting. Whatever's happening, even an exciting Gym battle, is sort of killed if you strip it down this much. It's like the bus crash in the prologue: there's so little ornamentation that it gets dangerously wooden in places. I'd suggest linking a few sentences together here and there, to break it up a bit. For instance, things like this:

Quote:
The hypno followed him obediently. Soma flicked the gleaming pendulum into motion.
would be more effective if merged like this:

Quote:
The hypno followed him obediently, flicking the gleaming pendulum into motion as it went.
Varying the length of sentences just adds a bit of interest; if we continually get one point per sentence, the readers get restless.

Also, minor point, but birds can't chew and most have almost no sense of taste.

Anyway. This is a definite improvement on the prologue, but overall I'd still be wary of being wooden in times when you really need energy (like bus crashes and Pokémon battles). Keep writing, keep improving, and I'll be back for future chapters.

F.A.B.
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  #9    
Old February 22nd, 2012, 03:43 PM
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psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
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How did I know you'd review again? Haha, anyway I also found the battle a bit off. Personally I hate writing battles but I felt like I needed it for some reason. If I keep avoiding it, well, I'd keep avoiding it. This pretty much goes with sentence structure too. Ironically, I read a seminar on that but it seems like I didn't fully understand. I'll keep experimenting with that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
Also, minor point, but birds can't chew and most have almost no sense of taste.
Probably even more so in crows, since they eat everything. I guess I have to remember to research a bit more.

And thanks for the review! I greatly appreciate it. It makes me feel loved and all that gushy stuff.
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  #10    
Old February 22nd, 2012, 04:57 PM
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bobandbill
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Was too tired to write it yesterday so here's stuff that partly echoes what was already said!

I will agree with treecko's awesomeness that my favourite part of it thus far is the characters themselves thus far. They're quite enjoyable to read about and are set up nicely too. The story's concept is not a bad one either; something different that also is adding to the characters thus far (and I am assume Tate was the one in the prologue there) and I am interested to see how this meet-up goes as well.

I will also agree that my main qualm is the sort of 'clunky' writing style; it was more prevalent in the prologue but it still seemed to be there, and although it does add an interesting dimension it does also throw me a little in reading, and it doesn't really work for the battle in particular.

I feel part of that can be attributed to sentence length; sometimes it just feels all too similiar in length in parts and this is probably contributing to the flow of the story; too many short sentences make it seem all too quick and disjointed. Here's a few instances in which I've separated the sentences to show how many in bursts end up the same length as each other:
Quote:
The honchkrow cackled as the Swift pelted parts of its wings.
It shrugged off the attack and flew higher and higher.
The bird kept its crooked smile plastered on its face.
The kingdra stared up at it with angry, squinted eyes.
Quote:
Clair’s kingdra remained in place, unmoving.
The gym leader returned it and sighed.
She lost again.
She clipped the ball back onto her belt.
The thought of losing plagued her mind.
She frowned as the challenger strut over.
He held out his hand, smiling.
Quote:
He balled up a fist by his leg and bit his lip.
A second passed by before Tate relaxed and leaned on the harbor railing.
The night sea swelled up into his nostrils.
He closed his eyes and said, “Okay.
When and where are we meeting?”
It also seems in these three instances I've picked all detail one event per sentence only, even if some of them could be linked up; maybe consider merging some of those together. The first quote has 'Honchkrow laughed, shrugged and flew, it keps smiling, kingdra stared' as the topics of each sentence, but those are separated; for instance you could easily say 'The bird kept its crooked smile plastered on its face as the kingdra stared up at it with angry, squinted eyes.' As-is it just makes the battle feel more in point-form than a story. Also watch the starting word for sentences; in the first instance it's The/It/The/The, and the second instance you had 'Clair/The/She/She/The/She/He'. All of those are simple and had one word starting a sentence thrice in a short space of time (three times in four sentences in fact). Sorry if it seems like I'm beating this about too much after it was already mentioned but I do feel it's the part that stands to be addressed first and foremost.

Also agreeing that a crow chewing struck me as very odd given birds don't have teeth to begin with.

On the note of dialogue, I didn't find it to sound quite...right when I read it. There seems to be a lack of pausing happening in cases; take this from the prologue for instance:
Quote:
I cleared my throat and said, "This was our last day wasn't it?"
I don't feel that it sounds right that he would have said that in one go, as it seems more natural for there to be a pause before 'wasn't it?' - ie I would suggest it would be better as "This was our last day, wasn't it?" - the comma acting as the pause.

Quote:
"Lucky me right?" Ellie looked at her feet as they dangled from the seat.
Same here - 'Lucky me right' doesn't sound natural said out-loud in one go, but 'Lucky me, right' fits better imo.

Quote:
“Don’t move,” I whispered, no air for shouting.
This sentence sounded a bit off and abrupt at the end with the 'whispered, no air' part in particular - feels like it could us a few extra words there.

Quote:
We won’t win at this rate, Clair thought grimly.
Consider italicising her thoughts or something just so it's clear right away it's a thought.

Quote:
“Nice work Gummy!” the challenger shouted.
I also feel a comma should come before 'Gummy' there, as he's addressing his Pokemon by a name there.

Quote:
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a duplicate. “I won mine too doofus.”
And same her with 'doofus' as that's what she is addressing him by.


Not a bad start, certainly - I do enjoy the story itself thus far and the characters are well established. It just needs some polishing with the writing itself, particularly with the sentence structure.
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  #11    
Old February 23rd, 2012, 02:19 PM
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psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
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Thanks, bobandbill, for the review! I would have replied yesterday, but I was tired and I got a headache.

I appreciate that you pointed out the lengths. I never actually noticed that, but it's something I can definitely work on. And the variation was a good tip too. I need to pay more attention when I proofread. Then again, I've never focused on looking for that to begin with. Yay for learning!

And that's pretty much my whole darn reply. Oh well. Thanks again and I'll take your words to heart!
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  #12    
Old February 26th, 2012, 05:46 PM
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DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
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I haven't been on PC for a while now. I blame school! I used to be on here a lot, but now math has been keeping me busy and lazy. The only reason I returned was to read your fan fic, and then some!

I really don't have much to say in terms of plot development; you introduced new characters. I usually pick a character I like, within the wide range of characters a author introduces. Now I can't really decide anymore, for the moment anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
and shot more water at a noticeably weaker propulsion, water dripping from its lips as it heaved to catch its breath.
Damn, you would not believe what a kindra with lips looks like! lol They have some snork thingy ma bob. IDK A kindra with lips to me is...funny lookin. (PHOTOSHOP TIME) I'm such a logic troll, is that bad? I blame my anatomy.

"water dripping from its snork"

Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
but hey, we haven’t seen any other the others for a while have we?
........Did I read this right?

Looking foward for Chapter dos. Adios amigo.
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  #13    
Old February 26th, 2012, 07:11 PM
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psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
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Age: 18
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Haha, I've been busy too! Kinda. I had a lot of freaking chemistry crap and my Spanish teacher is starting to fail me. And then I have a few applications to fill out, etc. etc. I am honored you returned for my fic! I think I've been keeping active with this forum, but it's not much since the forum isn't active to begin with. Boo-hoo.

When I thought of a kingdra, I couldn't really describe its mouth thing. If you think about it, it's like a gun, except it's fused on a Pokemon. I wonder how it eats. I guess I should change it to "snout", it sounds better that way. Lips makes me think of a Jynx. Yeah, not too great. And thanks for that really weird typo. I probably missed it when I was editing, so I'll totally fix that. Blame late nights and serious fatigue. Today, I ran a few miles and lifted a couch up three flights of stairs. Not my best day.

Nevertheless, glad you liked it. I'm totally assuming that, but yeah not much of the plot progressed. I felt guilty just having this chapter sit on my computer and not do much at all, so I had to post something, otherwise it would have taken another week to get my first stupid chapter up. I don't have high hopes for the second chapter, but meh. Whatcha gonna do about it?

Gracias por tu opinion! Ojala que yo escriba mas rapido que este capitulo. Hasta luego hombre. (Yes my spanish is awful, but I have to practice!)
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  #14    
Old March 21st, 2012, 07:01 PM
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psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
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Notes: Alright, so it only took another month to pump this chapter out! I feel like I should write faster or something, but whatever. I'm still experimenting with a few things, so I hope it didn't get too disjointed or anything.

Chapter 2: Day Games


My eyes played tricks on me. Shadows danced on the dirt, moving in steady movements as if they were alive. It must have been hallucinations, I thought. I coughed out dirt, my chest feeling completely weightless. Clouds drifted in front of me, while the sun shined down on my mangled body. The more I stared, the more I wanted to sleep. A dark mass hovered over me, blocking out the warm, welcoming rays.

I don’t even remember hearing her scream.


---

Tate woke up with a calm start, sitting up to stare outside his window. The sky was a clean slate of gray and depression. Murky masses covered it with dark patches. Sunlight was absent but the waves nibbled on the coastline, nipping at the piers lining Goldenrod’s coast. Wingulls cawed, flying from ship to ship looking for a meal to steal. Otherwise, it was calm. He enjoyed staring outside and watching the waves. It reminded him of Lilycove with the ports and marinas breathing and alive, though this coast lacked a beach like Lilycove’s.

After a few seconds, Tate left the window and hopped out of bed. The floor creaked as he went along and passed into the next room. Soma sat on the couch with his eyes closed and legs crossed. Usually, Tate would watch him for a while, but today he walked up and flicked Soma in his neck. The hypno flinched before turning around and glared at his trainer.

“Morning,” Tate said as he walked past and headed towards a refrigerator shoved towards the corner. He rummaged through the compartments and found an apple.

“Good morning,” Soma talked slowly and methodically, almost slurring his speech. “You’re up early.”

“So I am.” He took a large bite out of the fruit letting a large crunch echo in the apartment. His body leaned back on the counter. They both stared at each other with mock hostility with their eyes locked.

Soma finally said, “You must be excited.”

The trainer shrugged and finished the last of his so-called breakfast. “We better not be late.”

“Ah, you still remember the last time, then?”

“It’s not that.” Tate turned away and pulled on a jacket. “I made a promise.”

“A promise?”

“You wouldn’t know.”

“True, I don’t know anything. Hey, are we leaving already?”

The trainer stuck on his shoes and waited by the door, beckoning his pokemon to come along. “I don’t break promises.”

Soma barely hid the sly smile on his face and nearly skipped after him.

---

Bonnie loved traveling more than she did battling. Every clink the train made on the rails gave her the oddest feeling of freedom and delight. She kept her gaze out at the window across from her, watching the trees blur by. On the other side, she saw the gray ocean waters slowly splash on the harbors. Tall buildings began to block out the natural scenery. A minute passed until the train pulled into Goldenrod with an easy sigh.

She ignored the conductor speak from the intercom and hurried out to the platform, darting between the other passengers. I wonder where they are, Bonnie thought as she searched for any familiar faces in the mass of people. She had called earlier this morning, though no one had answered. But she persisted and ventured further into the mass of people, looking for her friends. There were too many people for her to check, so she began to look for the door out, thinking she could call them where it was quieter.

“Hey, Bonnie!” someone called out. Her eyes turned back to the throng, but this time, she recognized a dark skinned boy pushing his way through. His pearly white teeth clashed with the color of his skin and she recognized him in an instant.

“Duane?”

“Yeah, it’s me!” He pulled her into a quick hug, catching a few odd glances from the surrounding crowd. They separated and cast childish grins at each other.

“Long time no see,” Bonnie said as she began to follow him out of the station.

He twisted his head as he talked. “Yeah, I know. I can see the top of your head now!”

“Darn, I probably got shorter.”

Laughing, Duane opened the door and allowed her to go through. They went outside where the streets were busy with people walking, most already holding shopping bags. The two turned and cut through an alley to a quieter street.

“So,” Bonnie began. “Where is everyone else?”

“Not here yet. Want me call ‘em?” Duane had started reaching into his pocket for his phone.

She shrugged and skipped ahead, twirling her arms as she enjoyed the sun shining through the wispy clouds. “Any luck?”

“Naw, voicemail. They’re probably on the way though.”

“Tsk, now I’m stuck with you.”

He scowled and turned his attention to the changing street. The low buildings steadily climbed up as if they were stairs, shops opening up along the sides. Bonnie started walking, which allowed Duane to catch up. Eventually, the street would be crowded as they went deeper and deeper downtown.

But for now, it was quiet. Usually, the silence would annoy Duane and he would try to strike up conversation. He was good at that. Now, he didn’t feel the need to bother. It was an odd feeling to him, itching in his mind, but he was strangely content. He glanced over at Bonnie, only to find that she wasn’t there. He searched around until he saw her a few feet behind him, staring up at the new Radio Tower.

“They built a new one,” she said.

“Huh, they did. Come on, I didn’t even eat breakfast yet.”

Bonnie looked at him with wide eyes. “What? Why not? You need to eat breakfast every morning!”

“I rushed so I didn’t have the time and—hey, what are you doing?”

“Hold on, I should have a bagel in here.” She started going through her bag, determined to find him something to eat.

“Aw, you don’t have to. I’m fine, really! And . . . okay. Never mind.” Bonnie pulled out a bagel. She quickly handed it to Duane. With no way out, he accepted it and sniffed it, just to make sure it was edible. “It’s cinnamon.”

“I thought you liked cinnamon.”

He shrugged and took a bite. Satisfied, he continued to bite more off leaving Bonnie to look at him with content. “Wow, it’s actually good.”

“What, did you expect something different?” she asked, threatening to take the pastry back as her hand hovered over it.

Another voice interrupted them. “Looks like he did.”

Bonnie and Duane both turned to see who it was. It was another boy with considerably lighter skin than Duane. There was something about him, possibly the way he stood ready to leave or the sweat glistening off his neck with his jacket hanging off him that gave them some familiar impression they couldn’t quite grasp. It almost seemed like he didn’t mind the hot, humid weather. Bonnie noticed the hypno slowly walk up to them, and then she realized who he was.

“Tate. It’s you, isn’t it?”

He nodded. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“A long ass time, man.” Duane grinned and slapped his hand.

“I almost began to think you weren’t coming,” Bonnie said.

“I kind of missed your call this morning.”

“You could have called back, just so you know.”

Tate shrugged. “You left a voicemail.”

She sighed while shaking her head. Duane stared at the pokemon, kneeling down to it. “Hey, you got Soma to evolve!”

“Actually, I evolved a few years ago,” Soma said, frowning.

“Damn, it has been a while. What else did I miss?”

“Other than that? Nothing.”

They all laughed together for the first time in years. It wasn’t a particularly joyful laugh, but the tension was eased and they began strolling down the street comfortably in each other’s company.

“Everyone grew taller than me,” Bonnie noted.

“It’s scary, isn’t it?” Duane said.

“Not with your goofy face. And why would I be afraid of either of you?”

“Good question. Would you like to answer, Tate?” he said, turning to him.

“He’s black, that’s scary enough.”

“Hey, that’s racist!”

“It’s racist, but it’s still true.” Bonnie pointed out. “He’s got that look, that mugger’s look, or a thug look. Either way, he doesn’t look friendly, like he’d punch you and steal your wallet.”

“Oh come on, you really think I’d do that?”

She thought for only a second. “Maybe. You do stupid stuff all the time.”

“Tate, you suck. Bonnie, you’re an idiot.” He pulled away from them, but was close enough to converse. “I’m still hungry, let’s go to a restaurant.”

“I already gave you a bagel, how much more can you need?” she moaned. “I want go to the mall. I haven’t shopped since the last time I was here, and that was months ago.”

“’Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.’ Didn’t you say that like ten minutes ago?”

“Don’t quote me, I’m not famous enough. Let’s go pick something up then we can actually do things. Is that fine with you two? Good.”

They found the closest restaurant and went in. The clouds parted and a thin beam of sunlight began to glisten on the pavement.

---

“It’s your fault.”

“I know.”

“It’s your fault.”

I know.

“It’s your fault.”

“Chloe, saying that over and over again won’t change a damn thing.”

“It’s still your freaking fault.”

“Yes, we were late because of me. Get over it. Hey look, we can see the city from here!”

“No, that’s Olivine, genius.”

“Oh.”

“Damn it, Cole! Now we’re going in the wrong direction! You know, this was like the time we were late to our own birthday party.”

“Ha, how can you even remember that? That was like seven years ago or something.”

“Shut up. Let’s just get to Goldenrod before it gets dark.”

“Would an apology help?”

“It couldn’t hurt.”

“Chloe, I’m sorry. Ow!”

“Oops, I guess I lied.”

---

The trip to Goldenrod from Blackthorn, by foot, would have taken weeks, even months; Chloe and Cole covered the distance within a day by flying. The tropius transporting them was quiet and kept a smooth and level course above the changing landscape, gliding in a few instances to stretch its wings. They had listened to the steady beating of the wings for an hour before they could finally see the next city.

Chloe had hoped this was Goldenrod. Far across the sea, Chloe saw the dipping sun as it shined against the wispy clouds. She checked her watch for the time, though it was pointless. Clearly it was late, but she forced herself to check out of habit. Cole smirked as he saw his sister scoffed in disgust. Somewhat to his relief, she didn’t look at him. City lights glowed against the darkened lands showing the activity even at night.

They began to descend just outside the city and landed in an open field. For a moment, all they heard was the melody of the kricketune blending in with a lone politoed, which formed a natural harmony. Cole said, “It’s nice out here. Too bad you can’t see the stars tonight.”

“Come on, we’re late enough.” Chloe muttered, disregarding his words. She began walking towards the city.

“Some things never change,” he said to the pokemon. It didn’t respond, clearly tired. With a brief flash, he returned it and caught up to his sister. She ignored him and took out her pokegear.

“Hey Bonnie. Sorry, we were way behind schedule, but I think you guys had fun, right?”

“Definitely. Where are you right now?”

“We’re here.”

“Awesome! Come over to that burger joint, you know the one next to the gym? Across the floral shop, I think.”

“See you then,” Chloe said and clicked the phone shut.

Cole’s stomach lurched. He wanted to say something, maybe apologize again, but he knew it wasn’t worth the time. Instead, he kept a bit of distance away from her. Eventually, they reached the city and followed the signs to the gym, then the restaurant. It wasn’t much, just a plain building with large windows. They went through the glass doors and met the smell of fried foods and grease.

“Hey, over here!”

The two turned to see Duane waving them over with a fry in his hand. Almost slipping on the area clearly marked with a wet floor sign, they joined the others at the round table. Chloe nodded at them before talking to Bonnie about traveling and pokemon.

“Man, you are so late. You missed everything today,” Duane said to Cole, who was looking around for a waiter.

“We’ll catch up. Anyway, where the hell is the waiter?” A moment later, a waitress with a lollipop stuck in her mouth arrived. He quickly ordered and she left, yelling at the chefs in the back.

“Hey, why were you guys so late?” Duane asked.

“Uh, I got up late,” Cole started, “and we took a few wrong turns. We flew over New Bark at least once, so yeah.”

“Ha, you still aren’t so good with a map,” the dark boy laughed.

“Actually, we didn’t even have one.”

“Oh, that’s why. You’re stupid, man. Is that why Chloe isn’t talking to you?”

“So what?”

“Nothing, man. You’re so dumb.”

“Whatever,” Cole said. He turned to Tate, who was stirring a milkshake. “Tate, how’s it going?”

“Fine,” he said without looking up.

“That’s cool. Are you still carrying that poke ball around your neck?”

Tate reached under his shirt and pulled out the chain, letting the ball dangle back and forth. “Always.”

“You know, I still don’t know what’s in there,” Duane said. “And I don’t think that’s a good thing. Come on, we’ve known since we were kids. Can’t you tell me? Or a hint would be nice, just sayin’.”

He slightly smiled while sipping on his shake. The waiter returned with Cole’s order. She nearly threw the burger on the table and stalked off without a second glance.

“Geez, they’re friendly here, aren’t they?” Cole reached into the plastic basket and pulled out the pickles. He took the top bun off and inspected the contents. “They didn’t even put ketchup in here? I’m getting a refund.”

“Complain all you want, read the sign.” Duane pointed towards the laminated sheet of paper taped onto the window.

“No refunds,” Cole read. “That sucks.”

“Can’t be much worse than you,” Chloe said, butting in their conversation.

“Yes, it’s my fault, whatever,” he waved her off and sank his teeth into the sandwich. He chewed slowly, savoring every morsel of flavor. Satisfied, he bit more off with added ferocity and enjoyment.

“God, he’s making a mess.” Bonnie pulled out a napkin and wiped sauce off of the table. “Disgusting.”

“Hey, relax. Some employee will probably get it. That’s their job, isn’t it?”

“Prick,” Chloe muttered, though Cole didn’t hear it.

“Cool your jets, woman,” Duane said as he sat close enough to hear her. She raised her hand and threatened to slap him, but Bonnie clapped rather loudly and caught their attention.

“Now that I have you attention, we can begin!”

Cole raised his eyebrow. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Well, Chloe and I were talking and we came up with a few plans. You know, so we don’t get bored.”

“Who says we’ll get bored?” Duane asked.

“Without plans, we’d probably wander off and just train pokemon. Come on, this is practically our vacation,” she said. Bonnie brushed crumbs off her shirt and leaned forward onto the table. “Okay, so we decided that since the weather is getting a hotter, we should go to the beach tomorrow!”

“There’s no beach here,” Cole pointed out.

“I don’t have a swimsuit,” Duane admitted.

“Duane, go buy one. And Cole, we were thinking we should go on a day trip, probably Olivine since it’s not that far.”

“You know, I thought we weren’t going to travel too much.”

“I thought so too, but it’s boring to stay in one place,” Chloe said. “And besides, we can’t do much in Goldenrod anyway.”

“We could go to the Game Corner, or the underground,” Duane reminded her.

“That’ll last, what, an hour? And that’s training pokemon, something we should all be avoiding for a bit.”

“Okay!” Bonnie said, grabbing their attention once again. “So anyone who doesn’t want to go on the trip?”

Tentatively, Tate raised his hand. The others regarded him, but no one else seemed to protest.

“Then it’s settled. We’re going to Olivine first thing in the morning. Duane, you can drive us there, can’t you?”

He held his hands up modestly. “What?”

“You have your license. You showed it to me last year. And besides, you’re always talking about how women can’t drive and you’re just a road master and all.”

Duane thought for a second. “We need a car though.”

“We’ll rent. I already reserved one, just in case,” Bonnie said. Not feeling the need to press the matter further, and because he was terribly tired, Duane accepted the issue and decided that it was best not to question her anymore. She had planned this for sure, and her mind was set on carrying it out. He headed for the exit.

“Now that that’s done, we can leave!” Cole stood up and stretched. He pulled out a few bills and slapped them on the table. “Think I can just pay right here?”

“You’re paying too much,” Chloe noted.

“Eh, whatever. I’m a nice guy.”

“Debatable,” she said as she followed the group outside.

Streets lined up and glowed with neon lights, nightclubs already gathering long lines of patrons. No one felt the need to talk; the silence was almost comfortable to them. More importantly, they needed to rest. Soon after, Bonnie led the group to a hotel where she already rented rooms for the night. After a short exchange between her and the clerk, they all went up an elevator and followed the numbered rooms until they found theirs. There were two rooms: one for the boys, the other for girls. Quickly bidding each other good night, they went into their respective rooms and dumped their luggage on the foyer before most of them collapsed onto the mattresses.

Duane stripped off his shirt and immediately claimed a bed for himself, which was fine for Cole since he didn’t mind sleeping on the floor and gave the other bed to Tate. When most of his roommates were asleep, Tate slipped out his poke ball and let it drop onto the floor, letting Soma out. The loud pop made him cringe, and he checked to make sure the others were asleep.

They were. Duane snored a bit, but nothing more happened. Soma squinted at his trainer. He whispered, “Still can’t sleep?”

“I’m afraid to.”

Sighing, the hypno began to swing his pendulum and watched as Tate drifted off to sleep. An hour passed and a flash of worry struck the boy’s face, which signaled Soma’s time to work. His hand started glowing a dark crimson color, as did Tate, and a stream of energy sapped away from him. A more relaxed expression came across Tate and he slumbered for the rest of the night.
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Old April 2nd, 2012, 02:57 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Sorry it took me so long to review. I was going to write a review eariler but I got side tracked with life.(I had it typed on word for a while now) I’ve been doing a lot of stuff! Yes, but it’s spring break now!! HEHEHE! COLD ICE BEERS FOR EVERYBODY!! There I go again…I’m not even old enough to drink…yet… Crap but who doesn’t.

So, I’ve noticed when I typically review a fan fiction I seem not to provide answers or solutions. This is probably why I don’t review that much. I often feel useless and regard my take as sub-par. Eh, I’m not much of good writer myself so I can’t really help you with all the grammar stuff. (Unless it’s elementary) But good writers like you rarely ever make mistakes like those. I usually have my head stuck out for those anyway.
Yeah, sorry about that little ramble, I have to reassure myself sometimes.



Quote:
There were too many people for her to check, so she began to look for the door out, thinking she could call them where it was quieter.


I feel like that sentence is a bit too wordy.

She began to look for a way out, feeling she could call them in a quieter location.

Quote:
She ignored the conductor speak from the intercom and hurried out to the platform, darting between the other passengers.


She ignored the conductor’s voice as he spoke through the intercom. She hurried out the platform, darting between other passengers along the way.

Quote:
Her eyes turned back to the throng, but this time, she recognized a dark skinned boy pushing his way through. His pearly white teeth clashed with the color of his skin and she recognized him in an instant.


I think you forgot to mention he was smiling as he headed towards Bonnie’s direction. You did mention he was smiling a few sentences later, after he hugged her. But I think it would have been more appropriate to have stated it a bit earlier.

Quote:
Laughing, Duane opened the door and allowed her to go through.


Don’t think that comma is appropriate.

Duane began to laugh as he opened the door for Bonnie.

Quote:
Either way, he doesn’t look friendly, like he’d punch you and steal your wallet.”


Another example of wordiness…Duane is a champ! He reminds me of Marshall from the Unova Elite four.

Gasp! More wordiness..

Quote:
The tropius transporting them was quiet and kept a smooth and level course above the changing landscape, gliding in a few instances to stretch its wings


The tropius they flew on was quiet. It kept a steady altitude above the changing landscape, occasionally gliding to stretch its wings.

Quote:
For a moment, all they heard was the melody of the kricketune blending in with a lone politoed, which formed a natural harmony


Wordy sentence. Aw come on that could have been a kick-ass sentence too. Love music. Though I’m not sure I could re-write it well. This feels like three or two sentences in one. I leave that to you.

Quote:
Eventually, they reached the city and followed the signs tothe gym, then the restaurant.


They eventually reached the city and followed the signs tothe gym, hoping it would lead to the restaurant.

The burger king..erm I mean the burger joint was next to the gym. So it’s only natural you take signs to the gym instead of the burger joint thereafter.

Quote:
smell of fried foods and grease.


Food is singular and plural; I don’t think you need the “s”at the end. I guess that’s fine, but still it sounds weird to me.



Quote:
“We’ll catch up. Anyway, where the hell is the waiter?” A moment later, a waitress with a lollipop stuck in her mouth arrived. He quickly ordered and she left, yelling at the chefs in the back.


Whoa! That happened really fast. I mean I wanted to know about the waiter a bit more. I woman with a lollipop in her mouth and waiter outfit is…sexy. Ha-Ha.

Okay that wasn’t the main reason. What did Cole order? What was the waiter’s personality? You could have put in more dialogue or narration.

I hope you didn't make her as those waiter hags that work in diners. Oh well that’s why I love reading. I love my imagination, even if it’s off from what the author intended. I later got the feeling that she’s a female dog..lolz

Quote:
Are you still carrying that poke ball around your neck?”


Pokeball….Watch out Microsoft Word is evil like that, if you use it.

Quote:
Cole reached into the plastic basket and pulled out the pickles.


LOL, EVERYBODY DOES THAT!

I wish a Hypno would put me to sleep whenever I get insomnia. That’s pretty interesting how Tate uses Soma to get him to bed. He seems pretty anxious.
So on another intresting point, the gangs back together and I'm curious what kind of journey or adventure there going to part take in.

Well that about wraps that up! Man that really got me in the mood to go to bed. Seriously, I wrote all of this at 10:50pm PST and that last bit of everyone getting ready to hit the hay is pleasing. So anyways this was an okay chapter, but I feel you still need to improve with wording of yoursentences. Overall, it was enjoyable. But it could have been a lot better still. I had some pretty high expectations. (Well, because you've been writing fan fiction longer than me) I really expected this to be error free, but the some of the wordiness bothered me. With that said, I look foward to the next chapter.


Again sorry for the delay!

Last edited by DarkIceForever; April 2nd, 2012 at 02:58 PM. Reason: spacing, damn you microsoft word!
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