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  #1    
Old January 31st, 2012, 02:36 PM
treecko's awesomeness's Avatar
treecko's awesomeness
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Hello, and welcome to The Nova Travels. It was originally posted on Serebii forums, where it has been posted up until its thirty eighth chapter, not including my "special chapters". Before you begin reading, you should know a few things about this story. First, the world of this fan-fiction is based more on the games than the anime, but will vary in certain ways in order to make more sense. Second, this is my first fic and will not be the best, but I hope to improve. Thank you, and enjoy! Credit for the banner goes to Crimson Darkness and Crazy Dragon Graphics, both from Serebii forums. I will update chapters every three days until I catch up with myself.


Rated PG-13 for violence, mild language, and mild innuendo.

WARNING: Character bios contain MAJOR spoilers for all information up through the most recent chapter on Serebii. You have been warned.

Character Bios:
Spoiler:
Jake Thomas: A sarcastic, introverted boy who graduated from Nuvema Town trainer school. He was forced against his will to travel with Christy, but gradually became her friend.
Age: 14
Place of Birth: Littleroot, Hoenn

Hometown: Nuvema Town

Starter: Tails (treecko->grovyle)
Pokémon: Tails (grovyle): The complete opposite of his trainer, Tails is a fun loving carefree pokémon who often gets in trouble for it. He was hatched from an egg in Littleroot, and is Jake's starter.
Stinger (gliscor): A timid pokemon with an odd ability to sense the emotions of others. She was captured as a gligar on route two after stinging Christy's hand. Stinger loves to hug Jake's face.
Munchy (vibrava): A baby vibrava who loves to bite Jake's head. He was hatched from an egg as a trapinch in Pinwheel Forest.
Buzz (joltik): An unbelievably evil pokemon bent on world domination. He is tiny, fuzzy, cute, and wants to eat your soul. Caught in the Castelia City Pokemon Center after eating the wires of the electrical system and attacking Jake's face with an electroweb attack. The host of Super Ultra Mega Buzz Talk with Some John.

Christy Aden: A mischievous, happy trainer who graduated from Nuvema Town trainer school. She was forced against her will to travel with Jake, but befriended him gradually.

Age: 14

Place of Birth: Nuvema town

Hometown: Nuvema town

Starter: Leaf (snivy->servine)

Pokémon: Leaf (servine): A calm and serious pokémon who doesn't laugh often. She was received as a gift from Christy's parents, and is her starter.
George (simisear): A very mischievous pokémon,George finds it difficult to stay out of trouble. He was caught as a pansear in the dreamyard after stealing Christy's bag, and being healed with Christy's potion.
Paul (palpitoad): A pokemon with a strong moral center that seems to love his trainer Christy, but has a particular dislike for Jake. Captured as a tympole in the lake on route three.
John (pelipper): A remarkably stupid pokemon encountered as a wingull on Skyarrow Bridge after soiling Christy's hair. He has occasional moments of brilliance, but usually cannot think on the level required to form complete sentences. He has been appointed as Buzz's minion, and the co-host of Super Ultra Mega Buzz Talk with Some John.
Linda (happiny): A tomboyish pokemon rescued from a Team Legend grunt in the forest northeast of Nimbasa City after helping thwart them in Liberty Gardens. While she enjoys battling, she is not very skilled at it.
Ringo (ditto): An easily distracted pokemon that finds it difficult to control his transformations.

Leo Davidson: A boy who often comes across as immature, but can be serious when the need arises. He is a rival and friend of Jake and Christy's, and is out for revenge on Team Legend for killing his father.

Age: 14

Place of Birth: Striaton City

Hometown: Striaton City

Starter: Leroy (larvitar->pupitar)

Pokémon: Leroy (pupitar): A well rounded pokemon who can be serious or playful depending on the situation, much like his trainer. He is the son of the tyranitar that once belonged to Leroy's father.
Philly (rapidash): an easily frustrated pokemon who's fiery mane matches his personality. Captured as a ponyta just before Leo met Christy and Jake.
Gordon (scraggy): a prankster from birth and Flappy's best friend, this pokemon gains a huge amount of enjoyment from seeing others fall for his jokes. captured in the desert with Flappy on route four.
Flappy (skarmory):an exceedingly loyal pokemon and Gordon's best friend, Flappy wishes nothing more than to assist his trainer in any way possible. This is usually by carrying him through the air with fly. captured in the desert with Gordon on route four.

White Touko: The champion of the Unova region. She has a fierce, if not slightly childish, personality.

Age: 25

Place of Birth: Nuvema Town

Hometown: Pokémon League

Total Number of Pokémon Unknown


Chapter list:
PM list:
Spoiler:
No one here yet!


Chapter One: Graduation

“Hi!” A short teenage girl was standing in front of an even shorter boy of about the same age. The boy was reading a book with a pokéball on the cover and still not seeming to acknowledge her at all. Why is he ignoring me? she thought to herself, feeling frustrated. “What are you reading about?”

“Hmph,” the boy mumbled as he shifted positions, still ignoring the girl. I don’t get why she has to bother me. How stupid do you have to be not to realize someone’s reading?

It was the last day of trainer’s school, and Jake wanted to get some reading in before he left on his journey. Free period was over soon, and the graduation ceremony would start. If this dumb kid didn’t leave him alone, he would never finish his book.

Christy decided that this Jake kid needed to be taught a lesson. She would not leave him alone until he talked to her. “Is it about psyducks?” No response. “I bet it is.”

“Actually, it’s about genetic similarities between pokémon. Will you leave me alone now?” In fact, the book was about the myths of Unova, but Jake hoped that he could just scare her off with big words that hurt her empty little head.
“Whatever, psyduck boy.” With this, Christy walked off back into the building. The graduation started in three minutes, but Jake would figure that out later. She grinned evilly to herself.

***

“You all know how the ceremony works.” Mr. Brown, one of the teachers in Nuvema Town trainer school was going over the procedure for graduation one last time before entering the auditorium. “First, Principal Benson will list off your names and- Jake, get in line, you’re late- shake each of your hands, giving you your trainer’s license. Then, you will meet your traveling partner, and you will go home to prepare for your journey. Any questions?” One boy a bit on the heavier side raised his hand. “No, Billy,” Mr. Brown sighed, “we will not have a snack break.” A small chorus of “craps” and “damns” broke out in the back of the line. “Well, let’s go then."

Christy had to bite her lip to keep herself from laughing when Jake ran into line late. He shot her a hateful look as he stepped into line. As they moved onto the stage and found their places on the bleachers, they each released their pokémon. Everyone had only their first pokémon with them, as owning more than one was illegal without a trainer’s license. Christy let out her snivy Leaf, and it sat down next to her.

“Well,” said Leaf calmly as she sat down. “We finally made it!” Only Christy could understand her, as the pokéball's translator function allowed. In contrast to her calm and collected pokémon, Christy looked ready to burst with excitement. She knew that she would be the first to be called, since her last name was Aben. She waited apprehensively as Principal Benson went through her tedious speech about how far they had come, the things they will accomplish, and how important it is to buy Whitney’s Famous MooMoo Milk. I know the school needs funding, but this advertising is getting ridiculous. In just a few minutes, Christy would be getting her trainer’s license, and finding out who her traveling partner would be. She hoped it would be one of her friends. “And it is now time for our graduates to receive their trainer’s licenses. First, we have Christy Aben and Leaf."

Jake watched, smirking to himself as that stupid girl stumbled up towards the stage with her not nearly as clumsy snivy. His treecko Tails, smirked as well, but for a different reason. “That snivy’s way too stuck up, huh Jake?”

Jake rolled his eyes. “You’d better not do something stupid while we’re up there,” Jake whispered towards his fun loving grass type.

“Whatever.” Tails began tossing his miracle seed up in the air.

Jake caught it immediately. “Stop that. That’s expensive, and if you drop it under the bleachers we might lose it.” Tails replied by shrugging and using bullet seed in his hand, and then playing with that instead. Jake couldn’t help but smile at his partner’s antics. He had hatched Tails from an egg back in Hoenn, and the two had been the best of friends ever since.

Finally, the principal called Jake Thomas and Tails up to the stage. “Yes, Yes, Yes!” Tails was practically jumping for joy as the duo walked towards the podium where the principal stood. “Maybe now you can catch me a hot girl pokémon! I’ve always wanted to date a larvitar. I once went out with that gible chick, but it didn’t work out.”

“First, you’ve never dated a single pokémon, second, shut up before you make a fool of yourself,” Jake whispered to his treecko. As they reached Principal Benson, Jake shook her hand and received his trainer’s license. As he turned around to leave, he noticed that Tails was missing just a few seconds too late.

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OWOWOWOWOWOWOW! IT HURTS! MAKE IT STOP!” Tails had been playing with the wires attached to the speaker system, so not only was he hit by a jolt of electricity as powerful as a thunder attack, but his shouts were projected across the auditorium. Of course, everyone but Jake and the pokémon just heard ‘TREEEEEEEE! KOKOKOKOKO! TREECKO! TREECKO TREE!” Jake facepalmed in frustration before retuning Tails to his pokéball and walking out of the auditorium to heal the pokémoon, his dark, brown, messy hair covering his eyes as he hung his head in shame.

***

Christy’s own reddish brown hair shook as she laughed uncontrollably with the rest of the school at that jerk’s treecko electrocuting itself. Even Leaf couldn’t suppress a giggle.

The rest of the awards were given out quickly and awkwardly after that incident. It finally came time to find out who would be traveling companions. Since the students were only thirteen and fourteen, they had to travel the country in pairs. The teachers ordered the students to line up so that they could receive their pairings. The ones standing in between the bleachers and the table with the list of names on it were promptly trampled. Mr. Peters, the thirty year old berry growing teacher was run over repeatedly by a confused onix which had been blinded by the excrements from the bird pokémon overhead. As irony would have it, these were the same bird pokémon that had been stealing the unfortunate man’s berries.

Christy was excited to see who her new companion would be. She pushed through the crowd, but was repeatedly shoved back. “Hmm… Leaf, use toxic on the floor.” As the lizard pokémon spit poison on the floor, it began to dissolve the shoes of various students, causing them to clear a path. As an unintended extra effect, it caused the badly bruised Mr. Peter to slip and fall flat on his face. Needless to say, this was not the professor’s best day.

The smirking Christy and Leaf ran through the poison quickly enough that it would not melt their feet. They finally reached the table with the list at the same time as Jake and Tails. It took a while before either of them could find their names, since they were not in any apparent order. Each of their eyes stopped.

They all spoke in unison “Oh crap.” The table said this:

JAKE THOMAS AND CHRISTY ABEN

Well, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it. Please remember to review!

Last edited by treecko's awesomeness; February 14th, 2012 at 03:15 PM.
  #2    
Old February 1st, 2012, 08:15 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
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Okay, random formality aside, let's get on with the review. I had a few problems with the concepts of your story. For example, when Leaf had used Toxic to clear students I thought that was just a bit too overboard. I mean what's wrong with Christy just shoving her way through? Also, I don't know if you mentioned Leaf's age or not, but Leaf knowing Toxic alone is a bit odd. Toxic is a TM move remember, and the point is Leaf wouldn't learn it naturally. Even more so that it wouldn't be taught it from a girl still in school. And if some Snivy spit poison on my shoes, I'd be pissed and I think I'd try punting it across the auditorium.

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
Why is he ignoring me? She thought to herself, feeling frustrated. “What are you reading about?”
I bolded the "She" because you don't need to capitalize it. It should just be lowercased. The thought kind of acts like dialogue so if the action she performed was the "dialogue" in this case, you don't need to start a new sentence for it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
I don’t get why she has to bother me. How stupid do you have to be not to realize some one’s reading?
Someone's is perfectly fine to use rather than "some one's".

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
It was the last day of trainer’s school, and Jake wanted to get some reading in before he left on his journey. Free period was over soon, and the graduation ceremony would start. If this dumb kid didn’t leave him alone, he would never finish his book.
This passage didn't make sense. I get Jake wanted to read or something, but you said some reading and you later say finish the book, despite that he has a lot of time on his journey to read.

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
As they moved onto the stage and found their places on the bleachers, they each released their pokémon from their pokéballs. Everyone had only their first pokémon with them, as owning more than one was illegal without a trainer’s license. Christy let out her snivy, Leaf, and it sat down next to her.
For the first bolded part, you don't really need it. When they release their Pokemon, it's pretty much assumed they're coming from Poke balls. As for the second part, "Leaf" is the appositive but you're signifying the name of the "snivy". You use commas when the appositive is a common noun, like snivy. There are a lot of snivies, but not so many named Leaf. So just take the commas away from Leaf. You do this again with Jake's Treecko.

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
“And it is now time for our graduates to receive their trainer’s licenses. First, we have Christy Aben and Leaf.
You forgot quotation marks at the end of this sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
Jake watched, smirking to himself as the stupid girl from before stumbled up towards the stage with her not nearly as clumsy snivy. His treecko, Tails, smirked as well, but for a different reason. “That snivy’s way to stuck up, huh Jake?”
The "from before" is a bit repetitive. I mean the readers would know she bugged Jake before so we don't need yet another reminder. And as for the "to", it should be changed to "too".

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OWOWOWOWOWOWOW! IT HURTS! MAKE IT STOP!”
I kind of thought this part was a bit spammy (not a word, I know). And the caps kind of took away from me actually reading it. When I first read through it, I just skipped through this part because it was annoying to my eyes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
Since the students were only thirteen and fourteen, they had to travel the country in pairs.
In the Pokemon canon, trainers start out as early as ten. I mean that's for both the anime and the games. It doesn't really make sense that they have to travel in pairs, despite the fact that they could have been fully capable alone. I mean Pokemon count as companions too. You could go with your canon though, I just thought I'd mention.

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
The teachers were giving the students instructions to form a single file line and come forward to receive their groupings.
Personally, I would have re-worded this differently. Just like this:

Quote:
The teachers ordered the students to line up so that they could receive their pairings.
This takes away the helping verb from before, and makes it in a more active voice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
Needless to say, this was not the professor's best day ever.
I would take out the "ever". Taking it out would sound better and help the paragraph flow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
They finally reached the table with the list at the same time as Jake and tails, who was now healed and back out of his pokéball.
"Tails" should be capitalized because it's a name. I'm guessing it was a typo. After the comma (the one after Tails anyway), the clause sounded awkward. Actually, you don't even need it in my opinion. Just saying Tails is up and about kind of implies he was healed, or the electrocuting didn't knock him out or anything (he is a Grass-type).

Another thing, the buildup for finding out the partners was very very predictable. Actually, the first paragraph was practically screaming Christy and Jake were going to travel together. I mean the narrative only focused on them and how much they liked to hate each other. If you wanted it to be predictable, then I guess you did too much of a good job.

Other than that, there's not much else I can really say. Just be sure to proofread your story and watch for any kind of typos and check your sentences to make sure they flow. Also, I swore I read somewhere that this was supposed to be a comedy or something but try not to go overboard. In a comedy, not everything has to be funny.

I hope you continue updating and I'll be sure to check out any further installments (because I'm too lazy to go on Serebii).
  #3    
Old February 5th, 2012, 10:41 AM
treecko's awesomeness's Avatar
treecko's awesomeness
Treecko Breeder
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
Welcome to PC's FF&W!
Thanks!

Quote:
Okay, random formality aside, let's get on with the review. I had a few problems with the concepts of your story. For example, when Leaf had used Toxic to clear students I thought that was just a bit too overboard. I mean what's wrong with Christy just shoving her way through? Also, I don't know if you mentioned Leaf's age or not, but Leaf knowing Toxic alone is a bit odd. Toxic is a TM move remember, and the point is Leaf wouldn't learn it naturally. Even more so that it wouldn't be taught it from a girl still in school. And if some Snivy spit poison on my shoes, I'd be pissed and I think I'd try punting it across the auditorium.
The idea was that the crowd was too thick. Also, the toxic TM isn't that hard to find, especially in a more realistic setting than the games where pretty much anything could be found in a store somewhere. Oh, and people were trying to avoid melting their shoes more than getting revenge.

Quote:
I bolded the "She" because you don't need to capitalize it. It should just be lowercased. The thought kind of acts like dialogue so if the action she performed was the "dialogue" in this case, you don't need to start a new sentence for it.
That was a typo, so thanks for that.

Quote:
Someone's is perfectly fine to use rather than "some one's".
Thanks. Another typo.

Quote:
This passage didn't make sense. I get Jake wanted to read or something, but you said some reading and you later say finish the book, despite that he has a lot of time on his journey to read.
The idea there was that he would be more focused on training than reading on his journey.

Quote:
For the first bolded part, you don't really need it. When they release their Pokemon, it's pretty much assumed they're coming from Poke balls. As for the second part, "Leaf" is the appositive but you're signifying the name of the "snivy". You use commas when the appositive is a common noun, like snivy. There are a lot of snivies, but not so many named Leaf. So just take the commas away from Leaf. You do this again with Jake's Treecko.
Thanks. Grammar isn't exactly my strong point, as you might have figured out by this point. I'll fix those.

Quote:
You forgot quotation marks at the end of this sentence.
Again, thanks. I keep missing these.

Quote:
The "from before" is a bit repetitive. I mean the readers would know she bugged Jake before so we don't need yet another reminder. And as for the "to", it should be changed to "too".
Good point. I'll fix that.

Quote:
I kind of thought this part was a bit spammy (not a word, I know). And the caps kind of took away from me actually reading it. When I first read through it, I just skipped through this part because it was annoying to my eyes.
Yeah, I was get across the fact that Tails was shouting, but I suppose I could have accomplished that better. I just couldn't think of a way to do it.

Quote:
In the Pokemon canon, trainers start out as early as ten. I mean that's for both the anime and the games. It doesn't really make sense that they have to travel in pairs, despite the fact that they could have been fully capable alone. I mean Pokemon count as companions too. You could go with your canon though, I just thought I'd mention.
Thanks. The story will work differently from regular canon, although this particular instance was really just a rule for Nuvema Town's trainer school.

Quote:
Personally, I would have re-worded this differently. Just like this:



This takes away the helping verb from before, and makes it in a more active voice.
You're absolutely right. I'll fix that.

Quote:
I would take out the "ever". Taking it out would sound better and help the paragraph flow.
Again, thanks. I'll fix that too.

Quote:
"Tails" should be capitalized because it's a name. I'm guessing it was a typo. After the comma (the one after Tails anyway), the clause sounded awkward. Actually, you don't even need it in my opinion. Just saying Tails is up and about kind of implies he was healed, or the electrocuting didn't knock him out or anything (he is a Grass-type).
Yep, typo. I wanted to get it across that he had been healed, but I admit this wasn't the best place to put it in. I'll try to put something in immediately after Tails gets zapped.

Quote:
Another thing, the buildup for finding out the partners was very very predictable. Actually, the first paragraph was practically screaming Christy and Jake were going to travel together. I mean the narrative only focused on them and how much they liked to hate each other. If you wanted it to be predictable, then I guess you did too much of a good job.
It was supposed to be predictable, at least to the readers. The characters aren't genre savvy enough to figure it out, but I see what you mean.

Quote:
Other than that, there's not much else I can really say. Just be sure to proofread your story and watch for any kind of typos and check your sentences to make sure they flow. Also, I swore I read somewhere that this was supposed to be a comedy or something but try not to go overboard. In a comedy, not everything has to be funny.
Okay. Yeah, I have a tendency to go overboard with the jokes. It's something I've been trying to work on, but still not my strong suit.

Quote:
I hope you continue updating and I'll be sure to check out any further installments (because I'm too lazy to go on Serebii).
Understandable. Thanks for the review!



Also, here's chapter two!

Chapter Two: Home Bittersweet Home

“Mom, where’s my experience share?” Jake was packing his bag for his journey, contemplating whether he should run off before his stupid traveling partner could find him. He had no idea how he was able to fit six pokéballs, eight potions, twenty berries, a pokénav, a pokédex, a tent, and a full sized bike into a small backpack, but he decided not to look a gift ponyta in the mouth.

“I put it in your closet!” Jake’s mother was happy that her boy was going on a journey, but sad to see him leave. She remembered when he had first hatched Tails at only four years of age. He had been so happy that he didn’t even care about going to see Hoenn champion Brendan Ruby at the tournament that day. Jenna Thomas sighed, and bent down to pet Loopy, their pet mightyena. Loopy rolled over, hoping for a belly rub. He was sadly disappointed as Jenna stood up as she heard Jake call back.

“Where in my closet?” Jake was still having trouble finding his things.

I swear, if that boy’s head wasn’t attached, he’d lose that too. “It’s next to your Itemfinder!” It turns out that Jenna’s statement was only half true, as Jake would be seeing out of his head, and knowing where it was, therefore his body would be what he lost.

“Okay, thanks mom!” Jake was almost packed when his pokénav started to ring. He saw the name on the caller ID. It was Christy Aben. He was going to ignore it, but decided he’d better see what she wanted.

“How the hell did you get my number?” Jake asked as he answered the pokénav. He would listen to her, but there was no way he would be polite too.

“The school sent everyone an email with their partner's number. I just wanted to say, don’t bother running. All the roads out of town have annoying little kids standing there telling you not to pass.”

Damn! How did they know he would try to run? “Well, we all know how difficult it is to walk past a road with a little kid guarding it.” There was no sarcasm in his voice, as everyone in the world knew that this was impossible.

“Just remember that I’m just as miserable about this as you are, psyduck boy.” Christy hung up her phone and walked outside. Despite being completely carefree most of the time, she was very organized and had already finished packing. She and Leaf were taking a walk around Nuvema town before they had to leave the next day. “Well, we leave tomorrow. As much as I hate Jake, I wouldn’t want to travel alone. There have been tons of muggings in Castelia City recently.” Leaf rolled her eyes at her.

“Come on, Christy. The champion took down team plasma years ago, and that was the only crime organization in Unova. Any tiny little muggers we can take care of ourselves.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” She didn’t sound very sure of herself. Suddenly, her pokénav vibrated. She got a text. It was from a ‘Prof. Juniper’. The text said this: Please report to my lab ASAP. Professor Juniper, the famous pokémon professor wanted to see her? “Leaf, return!” She ran as fast as she could to the pokémon research lab.

***

Jake sat in the laboratory’s lobby, waiting for the professor to come out. I wonder what this could be about. I already have a starter, so I wouldn’t be receiving another one. Does Professor Juniper want me to do research on something? His thoughts were cut short as an all too familiar girl walked through the door. “Not her!” he groaned.

“Oh, no. Not him!” Christy said as she walked into the building. Professor Juniper walked out of the back room.

“Ah, I see you two have met. You must be wondering why I called you here,” she said. “The reason why is because I need your help. I’m sure you are aware of the pokémon from other regions that seem to simply appear here in Unova.” She waited for confirmation of this and continued after seeing two nods. “You two are going to find out why as you travel on your journey.”

“Why us?” Christy was the first to speak up. She was flattered, if a bit annoyed that Jake was chosen too, but she was curious as to what made them different from the other kids at trainer’s school.

“I’m very glad that you asked that. You will be using your pokédexes to gather data on-” The pokémon professor was cut off by Jake.

“You never answered the question.”

“Ummm… If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again.”

“So we aren’t going to find out?” Christy seemed annoyed.

“If you need help hang up and dial your operator.” With this, Juniper ran off and hid behind a glass wall that was sitting in the middle of the room for some reason.

Christy looked confused. “She knows we can still see her, right?”

“I don’t even know.” Jake walked out the door, and Christy followed.

***

The next morning, Christy woke up to her alarm clock’s loud buzzing. She got up angrily, and was about to turn off the alarm, then thought about it. I won’t need it anymore, so what the hell. “Go, Leaf, and use vine whip on that alarm clock!” Leaf seemed to enjoy crushing the annoying piece of crap with its vines as much as Christy did.

“I’ve always wanted to do that,” Christy said happily. “Let’s go downstairs! We can eat breakfast, and then we can leave!” Very excited to go on her journey, she ran downstairs, and had some cereal with nanab berries.

After her final goodbyes, she left home, and went to the entrance to route one, and saw that Jake wasn’t there. “I guess the lazy jerk decided to sleep in today. Huh? What’s this?” She found a note stuck to a bench. Reading it, she screamed in anger. It was from Jake: So long, stupid! By the time you read this, I’ll be in Accumula Town. Have a nice life!

Christy ran onto route one, in hopes of catching that idiot. “Leaf, come back! Run away from me will you?” she grumbled as she ran. She screeched to a halt as she saw a huge spider web stretching across the road. Stuck in it, she saw patrat, pidove, sewaddle, nidcada, and- Wait, is that… It was. Christy made no attempt to stop laughing.

“Yes, it’s very funny. Ha, ha, ha. Now will you get me down from here?” Jake grumbled down at her.

“No thanks. I think I’ll just sit here and enjoy this for a while longer.” Christy continued to laugh.

After about five minutes of this, Christy decided to help. “Come on out, Leaf! Use tackle on that web!” The snivy nodded, and hurled herself at the web with enough force to smash through it. Jake fell to the ground face first.

“Just so you, know, you getting me down from there doesn’t mean I’m going to travel with you.” Jake started to walk away.

“Hold it!” Christy yelled out. “I challenge you to a battle! If I win, you travel with me, If you win, you can go.”

“But I can just go anyway.”

“Fine, I’ll give you this luxury ball too.” Christy held out a black pokéball with a gold stripe down the middle and a red one on top. Luxury balls were very expensive and hard to find. If this didn't convince him to battle, nothing would.

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”


Click the banner made by Crimson Darkness of Serebii forums to view the best comedy Pokemon fan-fic by that title posted on this site all week!
Chapter Two is out now.
  #4    
Old February 9th, 2012, 03:14 PM
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treecko's awesomeness
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Well, Here's the next Chapter!


Chapter Three: Kicking Grass

The sun was shining, and the leaves on the trees were fluttering in the breeze. Two trainers stood in the clearing with pokéballs in hand. The battle was about to begin.

“Go! Tails!” The tree gecko pokémon flew onto the battlefield and began feinting punches.

“Leaf! Let’s do this!” The snivy came out of the ball and did a backflip before landing.

“Show off…” Tails mumbled.

Starting the battle, Christy yelled out a command to her pokémon. “Use toxic and go for the face!” Leaf spat out a glob of poisonous goo at the other lizard pokémon.

“Dodge it and use leer!” yelled Jake. Tails attempted to jump out of the way, but it was too late. The toxins covered his eyes, making him unable to see or use leer. “Ok, try dig and wipe the poison off in the dirt!” Tails’ arms moved in a blur as he dug a hole in the ground.

“Did I mention I’m a freaking awesome digger too?” Tails grinned as his arms moved even faster.

“Don’t let him finish, Leaf! Use vine whip to grab him, and then use leer!” The pokémon shot vines out of her body, trying to get a grip on the treecko.

“Stop…Moving…Your…Freaking…Arms!” Leaf couldn’t get through to Tails because of his flailing limbs. Finally, an opening appeared over his head, and Leaf went for it.

“Block the vines with bullet seed, and keep digging!” Seeds began shooting out of the mouth of the treecko, knocking the vines out of the way. Tails was finally too far down for the vines to reach. “Now use the special combo we’ve been planning!”

“You’re screwed now, you pointy nosed freak!” Tails laughed from underground.

“Leaf! Get out of reach by climbing a tree!” Leaf nodded and jumped up onto a tall oak, only to be knocked down by a ball of green light. The energy balls were coming up from all different holes in the ground.

Jake grinned as he gave another command to his pokémon. “Quick attack, now!”

“YAHOO!” The pokémon came shooting out of the ground and hitting snivy head on.

“No! Leaf!” Christy shouted towards her now weak and tired looking pokémon.

Jake grinned again. “Now! Finish her off with absorb!”

“Gladly.” Tails began the attack.

“Perfect!” whispered Christy as the green balls of life energy flew from Leaf to Tails. “Leaf! Use toxic on yourself!”

“What?!” exclaimed Jake as Leaf coated herself in poison. He realized what was going on and shouted out. “NO! Tails, stop using absorb!” But it was too late as the poison was sucked away from the snickering Leaf and directly into Tails’ life force. The treecko fainted instantly.

“Looks like I win, psyduck boy!” Christy returned her pokémon at the same time as Jake and laughed.

“Stop calling me that!” yelled psyduck boy. “Look! Now you even got the author doing it!” Jake yelled as he looked angrily up at the sky. “Fine. I guess I don’t have a choice now. I’m coming.”

***

The duo walked off of the road going through route one, and stepped into Accumula town. “We’d better stop at the pokémon center and heal up. Oh, and we need to reserve a room.” Christy was looking around for the pokémon center. She pulled out her pokénav and opened a map of Accumula town. Suddenly, a red monkey dropped down from a lamppost. They both pulled out their pokédexes and listened to what they had to say.

“Pansear: the high temp pokémon. When it is angered, the temperature of its head tuft reaches six hundred degrees Fahrenheit. It uses its tuft to roast berries.”

“So this thing can cook? Cause I can’t.” Christy looked at Jake. He shook his head. “Maybe we should catch it then.” Christy threw a pokéball at it before Jake had a chance to pull one out. The monkey pokémon disappeared into the ball. It shook once, and then broke open, the pieces flying to opposite sides of the road. Before Christy could react, the Pansear grabbed her bag and ran off. “Hey! Get back here!”

Christy started running, but Jake grabbed her arm. “Don’t bother, Christy. You can’t outrun the thing. Let’s go to the pokémon center tonight, and we’ll search for your bag tomorrow.”

“But all my stuff’s in there!” Christy said angrily.

“You can borrow some of mine for tonight,” Jake offered.

“Okay. Thanks.” Christy looked at him for a while. “Um Jake, you can let go of my arm now.”

“I’m not-Oh. Ok,” Jake said letting go of the arm that he just realized that he was still holding.

***

The two travelers walked in to the pokémon center. There was a store on the right side, and stairs in the back leading up to the (fortunately free) rooms. They first went to the desk in the back to heal their pokémon.

“Okay, your pokémon are all healed up! See you soon!” Nurse Joy said after taking the pokéballs out of the healing machine. She started to sit down, but Jake stopped her.

“Wait, can we get a room for tonight?” Jake asked the nurse.

“Well, we only have one left, but it only has-”

“Great, Thanks!” said Christy, grabbing the room key and running upstairs. Jake sighed then followed her.

“One bed,” finished Nurse Joy.

Upstairs, Christy stuck the key card in the slot of the door, and walked in. “There’s only one bed in here!” she said, surprised. Jake quickly jumped into the bed before his traveling partner could. Christy calmly walked over, and kicked him in the side, causing him to fall off. She climbed in and lay down.

“I guess I’m sleeping in a chair tonight.” Jake walked over to the only chair in the room, a cheap wooden one. He sat on it, and it immediately fell over. He picked it up and repeated the process, but it wouldn’t stay up. “On the floor it is.”


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  #5    
Old February 13th, 2012, 08:00 AM
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treecko's awesomeness
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Well, no new reviews, I see, so here's the next chapter!

Chapter Four: Rock Climbing and Mysterious Mallets

Jake woke up sitting on the floor of a room in a pokémon center. His back hurt like hell, and he felt like he got no sleep at all. It’s Christy’s fault. If she wasn’t traveling with me, I would have gotten a bed. Christy was meanwhile still asleep in her comfy little bed. Jake scowled, and then grinned maliciously. He took his wailmer pail out of his bag, then filled it with cold water from the bathroom sink.

Standing over her, he began to tip the pail and then- “Don’t you dare, Jake Thomas.”

“I…But…I…Nothing…” Jake managed. He cursed under his breath.

“If we’re going to be traveling together, you should know that I’m a very light sleeper.” With this, Christy got out of bed and looked, annoyed, at Jake. “Well?”

“What?” Jake replied, resulting in a groan from Christy.

“Come on!” Christy said angrily.

“What do you want from me, woman?” Jake retorted, resulting in a smack on the head with a rubber mallet. “OW! What was that for? And where were you keeping that hammer?”

“That’s not the point! Leave the room so that I can change!” Christy yelled.

“Ok, god, why didn’t you just say so?” Jake said angrily walking into the bathroom with his own change of clothes. “Must be that time of the month,” he murmured under his breath. He felt the pain of a mallet to the head again.

Why does that boy have to be so difficult? He has no reason to be rude like that.
After changing into a pair of Jakes jeans and a *** shirt that Jake let her borrow, Christy called into the bathroom that she was done, followed by some choice words describing Jake. He came out in a new set of clothes.

“Well, we’d better find that Pansear that stole your bag. The pokédex says this one was from a place called the dreamyard. Apparently it’s to the east of Striaton city. We have to go through route two to get there.”

“But route two is covered with cliffs! We would have to hike all day to get around them and-”

“That’s why we aren’t going to hike around. Do you have any escape ropes?” Jake asked.

“Oh no! There is no way that I’m going to climb up those cliffs! They’re Huge!” Christy was terrified of heights. If Jake saw her freaking out like that on a cliff, well, she didn’t know why he couldn’t, but he just couldn’t.

“I suppose you’d rather walk all day to get to Striaton? Even so, we might not get there before nightfall,” Jake explained. “The only way to be sure we get there today is by climbing.”

“We have tents and sleeping bags.” Christy glared at Jake stubbornly.

“No, we have a tent and a sleeping bag. Yours were stolen, remember? So unless you want to sleep together-OW! I didn’t mean it like that! Get your mind out of the gutter!” Jake yelled after yet another hit from the mallet.

“Fine,” Christy reluctantly agreed. “We can climb the cliffs. But you had better be careful!”

***

After leaving the city, they had each released their pokémon. “This’ll be great!” Tails seemed to be the only one genuinely excited about the climb. “You know, all treecko are great climbers. I’m great even for a treecko though. You know, once-”

“Shut up Tails.” Leaf was even more afraid of heights than Christy was. She planned to keep her feet firmly on the ground whenever possible. Unfortunately for her, she had to stay out of her pokéball so that Christy could use her vine whip attack to scale the cliff. Christy would borrow Jake’s bag, and Leaf would sit in it and pull Christy and herself up the face of the cliff. Jake had learned expert climbing from Tails, so he would scale the wall unassisted.

“Well, here it is.” Jake looked up at the fifty foot cliff. “No sense in waiting here. Let’s go.” While Christy and Leaf were reluctant, Leaf eventually climbed into the backpack and shot her vine whip attack all the way up the sheer face of rock. They started the climb.

While progress was slow, they were moving. It took twenty minutes to get about three fourths of the way up the cliff. “How are you doing Christy?” Jake asked, seeing that her face was slightly green.

“How do you think I’m doing?” she replied sarcastically. “I think I’m gonna hurl.” She put her hand in a hole in the cliff to pull herself up. Suddenly, she screamed in pain and began to fall.

“Christy!” yelled Jake as he grabbed her hand. The pack that had fallen off of her back was caught by Tails, a terrified Leaf trembling inside. Christy began to feel faint. “Let’s get them up now, Tails.” The treecko nodded at his trainer and they had carried the stricken girl and her equally stricken snivy to the top of the cliff in fifteen seconds flat. Just as they reached the top of the cliff, both Christy and Leaf passed out.

***

Christy opened her eyes to find herself sitting in a tent with Jake standing over her, and Tails and Leaf sitting next to him. She had a bandage on her wrist that smelled oddly of pecha berries.

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” Jake sighed in relief. “You got stung by a gligar. I should have known there would be some in that cliff.”

Well, that explains the pecha smell. He must be using it to treat the poison. “That’s okay. I don’t blame the thing either. It must have been terrified of me sticking my hand into its home like that. What happened to it?” Jake grinned and held up a pokéball. “You did not.”

“Her name’s stinger.” Christy looked in disbelief at the pokéball.

“You caught your first pokémon while I was unconscious? From that same pokémon’s sting?” It was then that Christy noticed that she was wearing a new set of clothes.

“Relax, Leaf changed you. I was outside.” Relieved to hear this, Christy sat up, stretching her arms.

“How long was I out for?” Christy inquired, noticing the setting sun.

“About a day and a half. That sting you got was pretty bad.” He looked down at the bandage, seemingly inspecting it for dirt and debris.

“A DAY AND A MOTHER F***ING HALF? WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME UP?”

“Believe me, I tried. Light sleeper my ***.” Christy reached for her mallet. “Calm down! I’m sorry!”

“Where did you sleep while I was in your sleeping bag?” Christy stared to feel guilty.

Well, I didn’t sleep. I was taking care of your sting.” Jake looked again at the bandage. “You can probably take that off now if you’d like.”

Christy removed the bandage to find that the painful sting had shrunken down to just a little bump.

“You should take the sleeping bag tonight.” Christy started to stand up.

“No, that’s okay. The grass around here is pretty comfortable.” Jake walked over to the other side of the tent and lay down.

Jake saved my life when he caught me falling. Maybe he’s not such a terrible person after all.


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Last edited by treecko's awesomeness; February 14th, 2012 at 03:50 PM.
  #6    
Old February 14th, 2012, 01:22 PM
Cutlerine
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It is I, Leclerc! Er, I mean, I'm here in my capacity as a reviewer. Which admittedly isn't the greatest, but hey! I like to think I help. Mostly.

Anyway, let's talk turkey. This story is one of a very recognisable type: there's a weak guy and a strong girl, and they have (for whatever reason) to travel together, which involves much abuse of the former by the latter. Hilarity is meant to ensue. Hell, I should know; I wrote one of those. It's a time-honoured formula, and one that anyone conversant with the genre can immediately identify.

This throws up a couple of problems, however. You have to do something really different in order to stand out, and you have to approach the humour carefully. In addition to this, you have to be sure that though the story is intended to amuse and raise a laugh or two, it can still hold its own as a narrative.

This is actually my biggest issue with this story: it relies on being funny to explain its own existence. Jake and Christy (unusual spelling, by the way) are told to go off and investigate Unova by Juniper for no reason at all; when they ask why, she hides behind a glass wall. This shouldn't happen in anything other than an outright crackfic - which this isn't. A story can't just be funny; it has to have some discernible structure to it, and I haven't seen any real sign of that so far. Humour can only take you so far; it needs a solid foundation in some form of logic, unless you want to take a leaf from Noel Fielding's book and just act as if you're completely insane. (Random tip of the day: this is a good way to approach improvisational theatre; if done right, it ends up being very funny, very quickly.)

All right, that's enough about the narrative cohesion and the humour. I'm going to move on to the next thing: logic and exposition.

The biggest question hanging over the reader's head so far is: why on earth can Jake understand what Tails is saying? At first I thought it was one of those stories where everyone can understand what their Pokémon is saying - but it doesn't seem to be. It just seems to be Jake and Tails, who evidently share some sort of special link. You established that only Jake could understand Tails right at the start, but you never mentioned why.

That's just one example. I've got quite a lot to say and a short amount of time to say it in, so I'm going to move on - but you really ought to make sure that the world you create abides by a logic that's consistent throughout. I'm guessing that this story (or at least these chapters) were written prior to the other story you posted here, because it seems to be more of an issue in this than it is there.

Next, let's examine Jake and Christy themselves. Jake is the underdog; Christy is a *****. Yet there are signs that Christy may be warming to Jake, as evidenced by the last chapter. And that's pretty much all we know about them. No doubt their characters will be built up more in further chapters, but we need to know a bit more about who they are and what goes on in their heads before we can really empathise with either of them; there needs to be a bit more character development there. I know this is supposed to be a comedy, which ought to be light and all - but it'll make the story richer, more interesting and ultimately funnier if you develop them a little more.

I think the main reason, the thing that's behind all of these, is something I pointed out in my review of your other story, Colony 9.0: it feels rushed. One moment they're having a battle; the next they're stepping into Accumula. Pokémon attacks are described in less than a line; key events take just two sentences to deal with; dialogue flickers briefly and then fades away... Slow down a little. Take more time to describe, to think and to write. It'll improve every single thing I've pointed out about the story quite a bit in one go. (Especially the bit with Christy being knocked out by a Gligar. That bit is way too short for something so important, to say nothing of how unrealistic it is that someone could be knocked out for a day and a half. If someone doesn't regain consciousness within a few minutes, they need to be taken to a hospital. Fast.)

As is the way with these reviews, I've devoted a lot of space to the bad and have only a few to give to the good; sorry about that, but since I don't need to correct the good, it doesn't take as long.

For instance, I like your battles. There's only been one so far, but it's a good one; moves are used creatively, like Toxic being sucked out by Absorb and such. I like that - it's one of the marks of a great battle. And the dialogue, when it lasts, isn't all that bad; there's the beginnings of a great back-and-forth system developing there.

Anyway, I've got to be going now, but I hope I've managed to help. Keep going, and attain perfection through diligence. (Oh, I do love to end on a quote.)

F.A.B.

P.S. It's 'Pecha Berry', not 'Peacha Berry'. Just noticed that.

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  #7    
Old February 14th, 2012, 03:48 PM
treecko's awesomeness's Avatar
treecko's awesomeness
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
It is I, Leclerc! Er, I mean, I'm here in my capacity as a reviewer. Which admittedly isn't the greatest, but hey! I like to think I help. Mostly.
On the contrary you (and Psyanic) are two of the only most helpful reviewers I've met on this site!

Quote:
Anyway, let's talk turkey. This story is one of a very recognisable type: there's a weak guy and a strong girl, and they have (for whatever reason) to travel together, which involves much abuse of the former by the latter. Hilarity is meant to ensue. Hell, I should know; I wrote one of those. It's a time-honoured formula, and one that anyone conversant with the genre can immediately identify.
Yep. The everlasting cliche. It gets some parody elements later on, but starting out, it really wasn't very good.

Quote:
This throws up a couple of problems, however. You have to do something really different in order to stand out, and you have to approach the humour carefully. In addition to this, you have to be sure that though the story is intended to amuse and raise a laugh or two, it can still hold its own as a narrative.
Completely agreed. I should really revise my chapters more before posting here, as I now realize what utter garbage they are. I assure you it gets better.

Quote:
This is actually my biggest issue with this story: it relies on being funny to explain its own existence. Jake and Christy (unusual spelling, by the way) are told to go off and investigate Unova by Juniper for no reason at all; when they ask why, she hides behind a glass wall. This shouldn't happen in anything other than an outright crackfic - which this isn't. A story can't just be funny; it has to have some discernible structure to it, and I haven't seen any real sign of that so far. Humour can only take you so far; it needs a solid foundation in some form of logic, unless you want to take a leaf from Noel Fielding's book and just act as if you're completely insane. (Random tip of the day: this is a good way to approach improvisational theatre; if done right, it ends up being very funny, very quickly.)
Funny story about that. Christy's name was initially a typo, but I liked it, so I kept it. Anyway, Juniper wanted them to investigate the reason for the no-Unova pokemons' appearances. She hid behind a glass wall when they asked why they were chosen. Believe it or not, that does get explained later on, and has logic behind it. In addition, Juniper's a loon. And though I am insane, I attempt to write as if I'm not. So thanks for the tip.

Quote:
All right, that's enough about the narrative cohesion and the humour. I'm going to move on to the next thing: logic and exposition.
Ah, logic. My old enemy. So we meet again.

Quote:
The biggest question hanging over the reader's head so far is: why on earth can Jake understand what Tails is saying? At first I thought it was one of those stories where everyone can understand what their Pokémon is saying - but it doesn't seem to be. It just seems to be Jake and Tails, who evidently share some sort of special link. You established that only Jake could understand Tails right at the start, but you never mentioned why.
Actually, your first impression was completely correct. Anyone can understand what their own Pokemon say. I guess that could have gotten confusing though, especially with the way I wrote it.

Quote:
That's just one example. I've got quite a lot to say and a short amount of time to say it in, so I'm going to move on - but you really ought to make sure that the world you create abides by a logic that's consistent throughout. I'm guessing that this story (or at least these chapters) were written prior to the other story you posted here, because it seems to be more of an issue in this than it is there.
Again, correct. I really need to revise these before I post them here.

Quote:
Next, let's examine Jake and Christy themselves. Jake is the underdog; Christy is a *****. Yet there are signs that Christy may be warming to Jake, as evidenced by the last chapter. And that's pretty much all we know about them. No doubt their characters will be built up more in further chapters, but we need to know a bit more about who they are and what goes on in their heads before we can really empathise with either of them; there needs to be a bit more character development there. I know this is supposed to be a comedy, which ought to be light and all - but it'll make the story richer, more interesting and ultimately funnier if you develop them a little more.
Yeah, my character development needs work. It does get a bit better, though. Oh, and don't worry too much about it being too light and fluffy. This fic most definitely gets some very dark points in the future.

Quote:
I think the main reason, the thing that's behind all of these, is something I pointed out in my review of your other story, Colony 9.0: it feels rushed. One moment they're having a battle; the next they're stepping into Accumula. Pokémon attacks are described in less than a line; key events take just two sentences to deal with; dialogue flickers briefly and then fades away... Slow down a little. Take more time to describe, to think and to write. It'll improve every single thing I've pointed out about the story quite a bit in one go. (Especially the bit with Christy being knocked out by a Gligar. That bit is way too short for something so important, to say nothing of how unrealistic it is that someone could be knocked out for a day and a half. If someone doesn't regain consciousness within a few minutes, they need to be taken to a hospital. Fast.)
Ah, yes. That again. When I started this fic, I was really terrible with that. Later on, I got better about that, but then ended up moving too slowly, and I now move back and forth, but never get it right. As for the one and a half day unconsciousness, I suck at medicine. Yeah...sorry.

Quote:
As is the way with these reviews, I've devoted a lot of space to the bad and have only a few to give to the good; sorry about that, but since I don't need to correct the good, it doesn't take as long.
That's fine. I need the help with the bad.

Quote:
For instance, I like your battles. There's only been one so far, but it's a good one; moves are used creatively, like Toxic being sucked out by Absorb and such. I like that - it's one of the marks of a great battle. And the dialogue, when it lasts, isn't all that bad; there's the beginnings of a great back-and-forth system developing there.
Thanks! My dialogue actually seemed too back and forth to me. I've been trying to fix it.

Quote:
Anyway, I've got to be going now, but I hope I've managed to help. Keep going, and attain perfection through diligence. (Oh, I do love to end on a quote.)

F.A.B.
Thanks for the help! I know I needed it. I'll try to get a review in to your current fic too!

Quote:
P.S. It's 'Pecha Berry', not 'Peacha Berry'. Just noticed that.
Thanks. I'll go fix that.

'Til next time!

-TA


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  #8    
Old February 20th, 2012, 11:32 AM
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treecko's awesomeness
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Sorry for the long wait, but I've been having trouble accessing the site for some reason. Anyway, here's the next chapter.

Chapter Five: Not-So-Sweet Dreams

The pair of trainers woke up early the next morning so that they wouldn't have to climb any more. God knows that was an experience they didn’t want to relive. “Good morning Christy. How’s your hand?” Jake was still tired from having to sleep on the ground, but he wasn’t about to admit it.

“Fine, thanks. What’s with the sudden change in attitude?” Christy looked confused as they picked up the campsite.

“What do you mean? I just wanted to know if your hand was okay.”

“Sure psyduck boy. If that's what you wan't to believe."

“Please. Don’t flatter yourself.” Jake tried to conceal his annoyance at the stupid nickname. “You’d be lucky if any guy was ever interested in you, let alone me.”

Christy pulled out her mallet from thin air again, and Jake flinched a bit before swiping at it, then getting hit by another identical one. “You have two of those things? Where the hell do you keep them?”

“None of your business. Plus, what would be the use of just one?” The duo finally finished cleaning up the campsite and began to hike up the trail.

It took about five hours to reach Striaton city. It was only noon when they arrived, so they had plenty of time to explore. The city was fairly small with very few houses. A huge park was on the west side of the city. On the east was a small path leading off into the forest.

Learning their lesson from last time, the first thing they did was stop by the pokémon center and reserve a room with two beds. Walking out, they bumped into a man in a red tuxedo. “Watch it kid!” he growled at one of the trainers, though it wasn’t clear which one.

“What a jerk. Why do people have to be so rude?” Christy pondered as they walked towards the path to the dreamyard.

The dreamyard appeared to be an abandoned warehouse with crumbling walls. The pair had no idea where to start looking for the mischievous pansear. “I guess we should start looking in the forest over there.” Jake began to walk towards the grove of trees when a small shape moved away from it into the tall grass. Before Jake could stop her, Christy chased after it. Jake sighed and followed her as they reached the spot where the pokémon disappeared. The pokémon that came out was pink with a floral pattern.

“Hey, you’re not-” Christy started, but was cut off as golden rings shot out of the pokémon.

Crap! A hypnosis attack! Jake had time to think before he fell asleep and hit the ground along with Christy.

***

Jake was walking into the battle room in school, and Tails was by his side. He wondered who his opponent would be in this round. His question was answered as a large, tauros of a boy walked onto the other side of the field.

“Hello, loser!” said Frank, a kid from trainer school.

“Hey Frank. Ready to lose?”

“No need to be overconfident nimrod! Go! Ho-Oh!”

“WHAT? DID YOU JUST SAY HO-OH?”

A giant rainbow bird appeared from the pokéball and flew around the stadium. “Ho-Oh, fire blast!”

Tails fainted immediately and Jake was too stunned to move. Frank started laughing at him, and everyone in the school walked into the room, joining in. Leading in the laughter was Christy, taunting him. Jake tried to look away, but he was frozen in place staring at the horrible scene. “NO! NO! MAKE IT STOP!”

***

Christy woke to find herself standing back on route two in a tent. It must have all been a dream. She shrugged and stepped out of the tent to find Jake so that they could get going. Looking around, however, she was unable to find him. She then noticed a plate of bacon sizzling on a log next to the campfire. Smiling, she reached for a piece of bacon, but it flew out of reach, hovering in the air nearby. Confused, she reached for another piece, but all of them flew to hover with the first one.

"What the hell is going on?" She shouted into the woods. It was then that Jake stepped into the clearing, an abra walking next to him. "Jake, you'd better tell that thing to put this bacon down!"

Jake laughed maniacally. "Or what?"

"Or hammers!" Christy answered. She reached behind her, only to discover that the instruments had disappeared. "No," she mumbled. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

***

Both Trainers woke up in a pokémon center. They weren’t in a room, however, but in hospital beds. Christy looked over to see Jake in the bed next to hers. “Are you awake?”

He waited a while before responding. “Yeah. What happened?”

A nurse walked in and stood in between their beds. “I can explain that. You were hit by a sleep inducing attack, and then whatever pokémon put you to sleep used the move dream eater on you.”

“Dream eater? What does that do?” Christy inquired. She felt a bit stupid not knowing, but she had to find out.

“It causes the target to have nightmares about whatever it fears most.” Nurse Joy explained. “The attacking pokémon then feeds off of the target’s fear. Now that you’ve gotten some rest, you should be fine. If you need a room for tonight, we can get you one.”

“No thanks. We already have one,” Jake said, getting up, and being followed by Christy. They went into their room, and were thankful that each of them got a bed. Despite having been unconscious all day, Jake fell asleep fairly easily.

Christy followed quickly after yawning and saying one last thing. "We'll get the monkey tomorrow."


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Chapter Two is out now.

Last edited by treecko's awesomeness; February 23rd, 2012 at 10:25 PM.
  #9    
Old February 23rd, 2012, 08:15 PM
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psyanic
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Oh look, I'm back!

Interesting chapter, though it was almost like a filler. The plot didn't move too much, but I guess the characters developed a bit more. Personally, I thought that they got close too fast. They're already speaking with each other dandily and it seems too obvious that they'll eventually like each other. I think it would have been better if there was a slight change in attitude with each chapter, progressing enough so that the astute reader would notice, but it's just below a thin surface. Just bear with me and my analogies. The point is that characterization should be something you notice when the change is almost too drastic to pass up. Like, say, when you get to the final chapter and Jake and Christy are buddy-buddy, laughing on the beach and making sandcastles. It's brilliant if you can get it that way without readers immediately holding up the red flag and thinking it'll end up like that anyway.

Okay, enough rambling. I'm gonna go crazy if I keep doing that. I was almost pissed that you didn't keep on following Jake and his capture. That's a big deal, ya know. Catching a Pokemon, especially a first, is a significant event and can present a trainer's development. It brings a comparison to when you get to the end of the fic, so we can be like, "Hey, he caught it without much trouble at all! I remember the time when his Gligar swooped down and nearly cut his head off!" I think it would have supported Jake's role as a character if we saw him treat Christy after he got the Gligar. You could allow us entry into his head and find his thoughts and attitudes, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
Learning their lesson from last time, the first thing they did was stop by the pokémon center and reserve a room with two beds this time.
I noticed that you used time in the same sentence twice. Try to avoid doing that because it's a bit repetitive and almost annoying. Unless that was what you were trying to convey, you could take "this time" out. It's not even a necessity in comparison to the paragraph as a whole since we know what they're doing now is "this time".

It's good to see that the trainers are learning though.

Both of them had extremely weird dreams. I would know. I have weird dreams too. Last night, I dreamt that I was on a pirate ship and it sailed off into the moon and we battled aliens. No seriously, I'm not kidding. It was a great dream, but it's still just a dream. Their dreams had almost no point. I guess it takes us into their fears and all, but it's not too interesting if you get my drift. Christy has a fear of losing her hammers; Jake doesn't like fire. Oh and she likes bacon, but that's not too significant. Remember with comedy, don't try to overdo it. Keep it nice and steady. Have a good set up and hit us hard with the release. Though these situations are crazy, it's more like slapstick comedy, which isn't too common in literature. Try experimenting and see what works for you though.

There isn't much else to say about chapter five. Some parts it's amusing and brings in humorous situations, and other times it gets crazy. The feeling of that out-of-mind feeling makes me feel happy for some reason. That's so quirky. Anyway, I kind of feel you should have described the Hypnosis incident a bit more in detail, rather than just saying rings made them fall asleep. But hey, can't complain too much.

On another note, a good friend of mine since elementary school's name is Christy and that's the way it's spelled. That's almost the only way I've ever seen it spelled (next to Kristie, Christie, etc.).

I hope I led you into the right direction, and not to the edge of a cliff. Just keep on writing and I'll keep following to see what happens! I hate reading things then never finding out what happens later, so you can count on me finding out. God, that was so wordy.
  #10    
Old February 23rd, 2012, 10:34 PM
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treecko's awesomeness
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Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
Oh look, I'm back!
Yay!

Quote:
Interesting chapter, though it was almost like a filler. The plot didn't move too much, but I guess the characters developed a bit more. Personally, I thought that they got close too fast. They're already speaking with each other dandily and it seems too obvious that they'll eventually like each other. I think it would have been better if there was a slight change in attitude with each chapter, progressing enough so that the astute reader would notice, but it's just below a thin surface. Just bear with me and my analogies. The point is that characterization should be something you notice when the change is almost too drastic to pass up. Like, say, when you get to the final chapter and Jake and Christy are buddy-buddy, laughing on the beach and making sandcastles. It's brilliant if you can get it that way without readers immediately holding up the red flag and thinking it'll end up like that anyway.
Well, yes a bit fillery, but the plot does move along in upcoming chapters. I just like to put things in like this because I like them. Oh, and if you think I'm rushing things here, you should have seen the garbage that was the original dream segment. Reading back over it made me nauseous. I had to rewrite the whole thing. But, you're completely right. It does get better (and worse, too) later on.

Quote:
Okay, enough rambling. I'm gonna go crazy if I keep doing that. I was almost pissed that you didn't keep on following Jake and his capture. That's a big deal, ya know. Catching a Pokemon, especially a first, is a significant event and can present a trainer's development. It brings a comparison to when you get to the end of the fic, so we can be like, "Hey, he caught it without much trouble at all! I remember the time when his Gligar swooped down and nearly cut his head off!" I think it would have supported Jake's role as a character if we saw him treat Christy after he got the Gligar. You could allow us entry into his head and find his thoughts and attitudes, etc.
Funny you should mention that. You see, over on Serebii, in addition to the forty-odd regular chapters, I have five "Special Chapters", the first of which tells the story of Stinger's capture. It wasn't posted there until chapter seven, but I see no reason not to post it here next.

Quote:
I noticed that you used time in the same sentence twice. Try to avoid doing that because it's a bit repetitive and almost annoying. Unless that was what you were trying to convey, you could take "this time" out. It's not even a necessity in comparison to the paragraph as a whole since we know what they're doing now is "this time".
Oops. I'll just go fix that...

Quote:
It's good to see that the trainers are learning though.
I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

Quote:
Both of them had extremely weird dreams. I would know. I have weird dreams too. Last night, I dreamt that I was on a pirate ship and it sailed off into the moon and we battled aliens. No seriously, I'm not kidding. It was a great dream, but it's still just a dream. Their dreams had almost no point. I guess it takes us into their fears and all, but it's not too interesting if you get my drift. Christy has a fear of losing her hammers; Jake doesn't like fire. Oh and she likes bacon, but that's not too significant. Remember with comedy, don't try to overdo it. Keep it nice and steady. Have a good set up and hit us hard with the release. Though these situations are crazy, it's more like slapstick comedy, which isn't too common in literature. Try experimenting and see what works for you though.
Wow. That...actually seems like something I would come up with. And I'm the twelve craziest people that I know. I really just added the dreams in afterwards. I really don't want to talk about the original.

Quote:
There isn't much else to say about chapter five. Some parts it's amusing and brings in humorous situations, and other times it gets crazy. The feeling of that out-of-mind feeling makes me feel happy for some reason. That's so quirky. Anyway, I kind of feel you should have described the Hypnosis incident a bit more in detail, rather than just saying rings made them fall asleep. But hey, can't complain too much.
And I agree again. At some point, I will most definitely fix that.

Quote:
On another note, a good friend of mine since elementary school's name is Christy and that's the way it's spelled. That's almost the only way I've ever seen it spelled (next to Kristie, Christie, etc.).
Really? Like I told Cutlerine, it was a typo initially. I've never met anyone with that spelling.

Quote:
I hope I led you into the right direction, and not to the edge of a cliff. Just keep on writing and I'll keep following to see what happens! I hate reading things then never finding out what happens later, so you can count on me finding out. God, that was so wordy.
I'm certain you did! Thanks once again for your help!

P.S.: I'm tired tonight, so the first Special Chapter will be up tomorrow.


Click the banner made by Crimson Darkness of Serebii forums to view the best comedy Pokemon fan-fic by that title posted on this site all week!
Chapter Two is out now.
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