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Old January 24th, 2012, 02:37 PM
Dawn_Hero's Avatar
Dawn_Hero
Written Insanity~
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Gender: Male

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Hey, guys! I remember I came on this forum once ages ago, but I just sort of got busy with school and left. Glad to be back though - with a new story and all! ;; I've had this idea for quite a while, so tonight I finally sat down and started writing. I really hope you guys like this story, because I had a lot of fun writing it. xD It's not exactly my best or most serious writing, but I really enjoy where this may end up going and I intend to keep pumping out chapters.

If you ever end up reading this, please make sure to leave a review! I know Chapter One comes off as somewhat rushed, but pointing out specific things always helps me to make it even better in the future. Anyways, with all that out of the way, let's get started, shall we?

The Villain

Chapter One: Meeting Mary.

I don't know what it is about stories, but no one ever stops talking about the hero.

What makes them so great, anyways? Is it strength? Courage? Bravery? This day and age, no one seems to remember. You see, part of me almost suspects that just about every hero since the beginning of time pretty much got recorded in the history books just 'cause they were so narcissistic that they couldn't shut up about themselves. Somehow, all the lies and exaggerations just sort of made it into print. Guess you could say some habits die hard, don't they?


"There's a lot of people out there who wonder what it's like being me," a girl named Mary said cordially into a microphone. All of Pallet Town surrounded her, staring up at her platform with complete and total fascination. Why wouldn't they? She just graduated from trainer school with the highest markings they'd given out in over a decade. She was athletic, she was witty, and let's face it - every guy in a ten mile radius had asked her on a date at least ten times. She'd never say yes, though; she was involved in a steamy love triangle with two of the top athletes in Pallet Town. Romance aside, these heroic qualities are what made Professor Oak choose her, along with two others, as the recipients of his famed starter Pokemon this year - an honor that, keeping with tradition, required both a parade and an opening ceremony. Keeping with the same tradition, the most honorable candidate was allowed to speak before the parade began.

"Well, all I have to tell them is this: it's a lot of hard work and dedication. You have to be ready to put forth a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to become the best!" She flashed her flawless pearly whites to the crowd, making the men swoon. "And so, with that hard work in mind, I," she paused to press her hand against her chest and giggle, "Mary Sue, wish you all a fantastic evening before the start of my journey! May you enjoy the parade and the commencement ceremony that follows!"

A screech filled the air as she stepped to the side, holding out her arms to display the first of the floats but instead letting out a bloodcurdling scream of her own. From above her stand, a brunette girl fell from a tree and slammed into the refreshments table nearby, knocking the punch bowl into the air and down upon Mary's head. The pink juice instantly ran down her white summer dress, irrevocably staining it.

Mary looked as if she was going into an asthma attack as she took the punch bowl off of her head and dropped it to the ground in front of her.

"Rachel!" she screamed, her hands balling into fists as she leapt forward to deliver the girl swift justice. However, her high heels had a much different idea for her. As she lifted her foot it caught on the punch bowl in front of her, making her slip forward and topple off of her stand. With a loud tearing sound, she fell down and destroyed the first of the parade floats, making the second crash into the back of it. The crowd erupted into horrified screams as they rushed to Mary Sue's aid, but it was already too late - as she picked herself up from the wreckage of the first float, a pile-up had already been created and the entire parade itself had been destroyed.

As the young intruder got up from the table and began to slink away, Mary let out a death-defying roar and jabbed her finger through the air, pointing directly at the girl. "You! she screamed. "You did this! You ruined me!" She picked up her broken high heel and flung it at the girl, missing her by at least a dozen yards. Her blue eyes narrowed into furious slits as the pearly teeth that once captivated a crowd clenched together in bloodlust. "Get her! Get Rachel!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.


Since the beginning of time, every story has had one unquestionable truth - that there will always be a hero and a villain. You really couldn't have a story without them, could you? In every good book there's always some incredibly interesting first sentence that compels you to keep reading so that they can introduce the hero that you will be following through-out the novel - the one who, with the help of her friends and her own aspirations, manages to conquer the source of all her problems and bring peace to herself and others once and for all. There's also the possibility of some rather interesting misunderstandings and, on occasion, some well-deserving slapstick routines involving water. The hero of this tale, as I'm sure so many of you may have figured out by now, will indeed be Mary Sue.

However, let the record show that I, Rachel Summers, find this approach to be overwhelmingly clichéd and, with that in mind, shall begin my story by introducing to each and every one of you the role that I'll be playing this evening:

The Villain.


Two hours earlier...

"Is this really how you want to spend your first day in Pallet Town? Stealing clothes?"

I sighed, brushing the brown hair out of my eyes. Not this again.

"Look, it's not like I intended to steal it. I really was going to return it. I just... wasn't sure when."

My father sighed behind his desk, his brown eyes filled with disappointment as he stared at me.

"Rachel, you're eighteen. You're way too old for this... I have no idea what we're going to do with you."

"I suggest throwing the book at her," a female police officer standing next to my chair interjected happily, her hands clasped in front of her blue uniform. "I'm sure she'll thank you for it, sir! I hear teenagers love punishment!"

The woman sounded like she actually believed what she was saying - was she always this chipper when she was bringing people in for committing crimes?

"Are you sure throwing a book at her is a good idea?" a rather portly police officer on my left asked with a concerned tone, rubbing his red beard. "I mean, couldn't we just put her in jail? Throwing things at her seems so violent. If you really think it would help, though..."

My father groaned, rubbing his forehead. "Jill, Barry, thank you for all your help, but may I speak to my daughter privately?"

"Of course, sir!" Jill nodded vigorously before saluting my father and marching out of the room. Barry tried to mimic what she did, saluting as he had his head turned to her, then staggered out of the room and shut the door.

"Gotta love Pallet Town's finest," Dad said uncertainly, leaning back in his chair. "My first day on the job and I'm already wondering how this town survived without me."

"Well, dad, it's not exactly big - you could probably fit most of it on a gameboy screen. The biggest violations their police had to face were probably ten year olds trying to run in the grass on the way out of town without a Pokemon."

I actually got a chuckle out of him with that, but the joy on his face soon faded.

"Rachel, what are you doing? This was our chance to start over. The reason I got this job and moved us here was so that you could cut off all those ties with your friends in Cerulean and start a new life here. They weren't any good for you, kiddo."

"The huge raise had nothing to do with it?"

"Alright, it might have been ninety percent money and ten percent you. But don't underestimate how important that ten percent is!" He cracked a smile and I couldn't help but laugh at his joke. Satisfied with my giving in to his humor, he continued on. "Rachel, this... Well, it's a big day for me, and it's the job I've always wanted. You know I love you, but stuff like this... It's embarrassing. I don't want to lose this job because they think I can't even raise a daughter. You're a good girl. Why not show other people that?"

"Look, Dad, I already told you - I wasn't stealing, just borrowing! It's all a misunderstanding!"

"Call it whatever you want, it's no good. This is a small town... People are already talking. The second they think you're a hoodlum, who knows what they'll do? Besides, having the kid of the new chief of police stealing? Not exactly gonna make the town love us."

"Maybe I don't want this town to love me."

His face softened, a frown spreading across it. "Not this again, Rachel... Why do you do this?"

I frowned, crossing my legs. "I'm not doing anything, I swear."

A slight pause. My father took off his glasses and placed them on the table before running his hand through his hair. It was almost as if he knew what had to be asked, but wasn't sure how to ask it.

"Rachel... Does this have anything to do with Sarah?"

I frowned. Guess I was right. "Like I care about what she does. None of it matters to me, Dad. I don't think you get that."

"Rachel, don't say that! She's your sister!"

He paused, seeing if this had any effect, but apparently realized that appeal would get him nowhere. "She just won the Soul Badge in Fuchsia, you know. She called this morning and told me."

I groaned. "Again with the not caring! Look, am I going to get in trouble or what? This chair sucks. I'm getting all numb in weird places."

My father ran a hand through his black hair, studying me once more. "Community service. The park in the center of town needs cleaning up before the parade this afternoon - get that done and I might have some chores for you afterwards. Deal? You're not off the hook just like that, though, missy. You'll be paying off that shirt one way or another."

I rolled my eyes, standing up from my chair. "Whatever. It'll get done. Promise." I turned and began to walk towards the door, but Dad stopped me once more.

"Rachel, I'm serious."

I flinched, the tone of his voice convincing me he wasn't kidding. "Dad, I'll be a good little girl, I promise. I won't even punch anyone!"

I chuckled, but Dad remained silent, staring me down. "One more incident here, Rachel... Just one more, and I don't even know what I'd do. I can't take much more of this, kiddo."

I stared at him for a few moments before nodding my head, solemnly. "Right, Dad... Promise."

"One more thing, Rachel."

I turned around to face him. "Yeah?"

"How did those two even catch you? You used to be able to evade the police for hours back in Cerulean, and they weren't so... off." He arched an eyebrow, smiling.

I laughed, wondering if he was even allowed to smile at a statement like that about his daughter. "They didn't. I was running towards Viridian when this other guy jumped me from behind a tree." I paused, thinking about the scenario for a second. "He's good. Scary, but good. Maybe that's how Pallet Town got by without you, eh, pops?"

"Ah, that Christopher Sue guy, eh? Yeah, he's good." His facial expression softened as he smiled, winking at me. "See you at the parade, kiddo. You're gonna be there, right?"

I sighed. "Guess so. Why not? I'll be in the park anyways"

I turned back to the door, opening it and letting out a squeal as Jill and Barry fell into the room.

"We, uh, we weren't eavesdropping, sir!" Jill said hurriedly, straightening out her brown hair as she shot to her feet. "Just standing guard! You never know - terrorism and the like!"

"Right... Terrorism," Dad said with an arched eyebrow.

"Er, t-terrorism is bad, chief! Very bad!" Barry stuttered, staggering to his feet. "Wouldn't want you to get hurt! That's why we were eavesdropping!"

Dad gave an awkward smile, pointing towards the door. "If you two wouldn't mind escorting Rachel out, I have some important business to attend to. Thanks."

"Right, sir!" Jill said instantly, grabbing me by the arm and yanking me towards the door. "We're on it! I know just the cell!"

"She's not going to jail. She's doing community service for now."

Jill's smile deflated, her chin quivering as if she were about to cry.

"N... No jail?"

"No jail!" I said worriedly, yanking my arm out of her grip. "What's up with you?! I've just got to pick up some garbage or something!"

Jill's entire body seemed to sag, as if her reason for being was now destroyed. "Well... Alright then, sir. You know what's best. We'll escort her out."

Dad leaned his head on his hand, staring at us with mild boredom. "Thank you, Jill," he said impatiently. "I appreciate it."

Those three words of appreciation seemed to instantly restore the woman's confidence, making her grab my arm enthusiastically and drag me towards the door as Barry stumbled after us. "Right, sir! Anything for you, sir!"

As soon as we were outside the office and the door closed behind us, Jill realized she was unsure of what to do as we navigated the corridors of the Pallet Town Police Station.

"So... Community service, eh? Exciting!"

I paused as we turned a corner, unsure of what she was getting at. "Erm... Yeah. It's a real walk in the park. Literally."

"So, are you enjoying your time in Pallet Town then, Rachel? We have a really nice set up here. It's really... Town-y. And there's people... and clouds sometimes." She nodded her head vigorously at her own statements and gave a wide smile, continuing to stare at me. "It's fun, if you aren't in jail or working! And neither of those apply to you, unfortunately, so life must be grand!"

I smirked. It was like this girl lived off of being chipper, even if it was somewhat... misguided.

"Yeah, this place is rad. Lots of... Air and stuff. I like it."

Barry nodded. "Yeah! We have that! Lots of it!"

"You like clothes, right?" Jill asked, tilting her head. "I got my police outfit online. You should check the internet sometime. It's fun, and you can't steal things there."

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind." I couldn't help cracking up as she glowed with approval, seeming to think she just gave me the advice of the century. "Man, I like you. Keep this up and we'll be best friends in no time, Chippy."

"Chippy?" She scrunched her nose in thought as Barry scratched his head. "What's Chippy?"

"You're... Chipper. I thought it might fit. You like it?"

Her eyes brightened. "Nicknames are exciting!" she said quickly, nodding her head vigorously once more. "I enjoy them!"

"Heh, figured as much. That's what friends are for - always giving you nicknames."

Jill paused as we reached the lobby of the station, turning to face me.

"Friends?" She blinked, the concept seeming somewhat unfamiliar to her. "B-best friends?"

I smirked. "Sure, why not? Us gals got to stick together, right, Chippy?"

"Chippy, eh?" A familiar voice rang out from the other side of the room, snapping me from my thoughts. A large, muscular man with dark brown hair and stern features walked towards us, draining all the joy from my body.

Great. That stupid officer that caught me.

Jill's face flushed as she began to stammer out a reply. "Chris! I d-didn't see you there! I thought you were going to return the clothes this girl stole to the store!"

The man stopped next to us, placing his broad hand on my shoulder. "I did. That was quite the mess you got into, little lady. Hopefully you've learned your lesson about stealing today, right?"

I shivered at his touch, shrugging his hand away. "Yeah, stealing is bad. I'm a changed woman. Thanks."

The man's grey eyes scanned me carefully, as if evaluating my lie. "Good to hear - I approve. Are you spending the night here, or...?"

"No jail for this one!" Jill chipped in happily. "Chief said she's best fit for community service! Gotta get the park ready for the ceremony this afternoon, right? Wouldn't want your daughter to give her speech in a filthy park!"

Chris turned to Jill, frowning. "No jail? Interesting... But that's right. I'd hate to see that... Do a good job, then, Rachel. The ceremony's in a couple hours. Hopefully you'll stay and watch my daughter's speech!"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," I muttered dryly.

Chris glanced at the clock on the wall and I followed his gaze. Four p.m.

"You should really get going, Rachel. I'd hate for you to not get done on time. Your father may think community service is best for you, but here in Pallet Town, we prefer more... direct measures of punishment." He smiled, though I no longer felt like he was doing so simply because it was nice outside. "I'd hate for anything to happen while you clean up, because any new punishment will be far more severe. We won't tolerate hooligans in a pretty town like ours... I'll make sure of it. Understand, little lady?"

Jill and Barry gazed at me expectantly, a large smile still plastered across the woman's face. Chris continued to stare at me, as if analyzing what I was about to do.

"Right... I guess I'll chat you all up at the ceremony then. See ya later."

Jill waved ecstatically. "Bye, Angsty!"

I paused, turning back to face the girl. "Excuse me?"

"Angsty," the girl said matter-of-factly. "You said it yourself - best friends nickname each other. If I'm Chippy, you should be Angsty."

I shifted uncomfortably before realizing it didn't matter and nodding my head. "...Right. I'll catch you later, Chippy."

Jill beamed, and from the corner of my eye I could see her nudge Barry in the ribs as she whispered loudly, "Her and I are best friends. She calls me 'Chippy.' I call her 'Angsty.' It's our thing."

As I walked towards the police station doors I let out a loud sigh, crossing my arms. Today was going to be way too long. I could feel it.

////////////////////

A gust of wind rolled by, blowing my brown hair into my eyes as I grabbed another pop can and threw it into my garbage bag. Perfect. This is exactly how I wanted to spend my afternoon. Just... Great. I sighed, pausing for a second to wipe away my hair before inspecting the park for any other litter. I think I'd pretty much collected all of it by now - perfect, since there was only about thirty minutes before the parade started.

Even I had to admit the park was rather pretty: green grass everywhere, large oak trees - which I heard someone passing by say were in honor of some old geezer living on the outskirts of town - were dotted across the landscape, and a small creek ran through the middle of the park towards the ocean that formed the southern border of my new home. Pallet Town wasn't that bad looks-wise, but man, there really wasn't anything to do, was there?

A high-pitched giggle snapped me out of my thoughts, turning my attention to a blonde girl looking to be about my age surrounded by two boys. At their feet sat one final used pop can, no doubt dropped by one of them. I groaned - guess I had to go be social.

As I approached, the girl turned to face me with a smile. "Why hello there!" she said cheerily, her white summer dress waving in the wind. "You must be Rachel, right? Rachel Summers? Dad said you were moving to town with the new Chief of Police. That's pretty neat!" She flashed me a large smile, her teeth unnaturally white. Now that I was closer, I could see just what kind of a girl she really was: perfect blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, expensive dress, fancy-looking white high-heels to match it, smooth, blemish-free skin... She was like some kind of weird Pallet Town barbie.

My body tensed, realizing that I probably had to be social to this diva since her dad was working with the police. "Er... Yeah. Crazy world. Guessing you're that Chris Sue guy's daughter? He said you had to give a speech or something today. Nice stuff."

"Oh! Dad mentioned that?" She gave a fake laugh, turning to look at the two boys on either side of her before continuing. "How embarrassing, right? I guess parents always have to brag! I'm really not that different from anyone else - honest!" The fake tone in her voice made me flinch.

"No one ever said you were, Barbie," I muttered as I bent down and grabbed the soda can. I felt rather safe calling her such a thing to her face - I doubt in such an out-of-the-way place like this they even knew what those were.

"Dad actually got me this designer dress just for the occasion! Cost is never an issue when it comes to these types of events, you know?" She giggled, twirling around to show it off. "You probably want to know why, right? It's a long story - " she gave a small sigh, as if acting put out - "but I might as well let you know. You see, I..."

Blah blah blah.

I ignored the sound of her voice as I threw the pop can into my garbage bag, straightening my back afterwards and looking around idly for any other garbage to go pick up and get me away from this conversation. My eyes, however, fell upon something far more interesting.

To her right was probably the cutest guy I'd ever seen - tall, with tan skin, brown hair, and bright blue eyes. He smiled as he noticed my gaze and I immediately looked away, my face turning bright red. I nervously glanced at the boy to her left, hoping beyond hope that he wasn't nearly as cute.

Thankfully, he wasn't. He had pale skin, bright red hair, and emerald eyes, his face dotted with freckles. He blinked and smiled, making me realize how odd I must look just staring at him. I diverted my gaze back to the Barbie, who finally seemed to be wrapping up her speech.

"...and that's how I met a legendary when I was ten years old, and an ancient prophecy foretold of my saving the world!"

"Neat story, B," I said dryly, focusing back on the handsome guy to her right. "And just who might you be, handsome?" I might have said that more flirtatiously than I'd liked, but he flashed me a bright smile that made me realize he certainly didn't mind it.

"Name's Adam. Adam Stu. Pleasure to meet you, Rachel."

His voice was deep. I loved it. I could feel myself melting in front of him.

I gave a weak laugh, twirling my hair around my finger. "Hahahah.. Pleasure. Yeah... Pleasure."

The barbie's expression turned from exuberant pride to fiercely territorial, her head tilting to the side as she said through gritted teeth, "Adam here is the star athlete of our local trainer school. He's won every Pokeathlon you can compete in with rented Pokemon, and Oak's chosen the three of us to get his starter Pokemon. They offered to give Adam here a permanent position as a Pokeathlon trainer at the academy, but he turned it down." She arched an eyebrow and gave me a smug smile. "He'd rather travel with me," she paused afterwards, hoping to get the point across, before quickly adding, "and Steve here."

The red-haired boy waved, glancing over at Adam with... Wait... What? I could feel my heart breaking.

"Every girl for miles has been asking him out, but I think he has a special someone in mind, if you get my drift. I think it's just a matter of time before he finds the right girl." She giggled, looking over at him dreamily as I realized what was actually going on.

Adam stared back at Steve, smiling, as the barbie doll turned and stared me down with apparent bloodlust. Just like that, my quick infatuation was shattered. Sadly... I don't think the girl had gotten the hint he wasn't interested just yet. Adam walked over to Steve, leaning in closely and whispering something in the boy's ear that made him blush and giggle.

So that's how it is, eh? No wonder he's been turning down all those girls.

"Yeah... I dunno, B," I chuckled, slinging the garbage bag over my shoulder. "I'm starting to think he's not really looking for a girl right now."

The girl's face went bright red. "What's that supposed to mean?!" For a split second, I could actually see the anger on her face. She quickly regained control, however. She smiled and cocked her head, looking me up and down with disdain. "Well... We'll see about that, won't we?"

I giggled, wondering when the girl would realize her and the rest of them had been barking up the wrong tree for quite a while now. "Nice to meet you all. Adam, I think you and I should enter one of those Pokeathlon tournaments sometime. I have a feeling we're both, uh, playing for the same team."

Adam seemed oblivious to what I was implying, straightening up before the Barbie looked back at him and Steve. "Yeah, sure. I'd like that," he said with a smile, Steve nuzzling up against his arm.

"And by the way," the girl mentioned dryly, "my name's Mary. Mary Sue. I don't know who this 'Barbie' is, but I think you got her confused with me. Wouldn't want you running around town not knowing the important people."

I rolled my eyes. "Right. Wouldn't want that at all."

"Anyways," the girl huffed, obviously annoyed by my hitting on her object of affection, "if you don't mind, we need to jet. I've got to work on my speech... Only about ten minutes 'till it starts, and I'd just hate to get it wrong. This is my defining moment - I'm finally starting my journey. Everyone's going to be watching me. I'm..." She looked me up and down, frowning at my outfit - what, she has a problem with black tops and blue jeans? " I'm sure you wouldn't enjoy people staring at you, right? At least, not how you look right now."

This girl was getting to be a little too much for my taste. Something told me that having all those people staring at her and worshiping the ground she walked on was pretty much the focus of her entire life. What a diva.

"Steve, wanna stand by me during the ceremony?" Adam asked with a wink, flexing his abundant muscles. The red-haired boy smirked, nodding his head. Seeing her chance as they began to talk, Mary leaned in towards me.

"Could we speak for a second, sweetie?"

A pang of revulsion washed through me. Sweetie? Calm yourself, Rachel. You promised Dad you wouldn't hit anyone the first day in town. I took a deep breath, trying my hardest to relax.

"Sure, Mary. What's on your mind?" We walked a little ways away from the two boys, Mary looking back and flashing Adam the biggest smile she could muster before turning back to me with a frown.

"I know why you're picking up those soda cans. You're a thief." The girl said the last word with such disdain that, almost instinctively, my fist clenched.

"And you're a stuck up diva. We all can't be perfect." The girl continued on, pretending she hadn't heard what I'd just said.

"Look, Rachel, I hope you change - I'd love to be... I dunno, friends or something, but I won't tolerate delinquents flirting with Adam. He's mine."

I busted out laughing, trying to clasp a hand over my mouth to keep from drawing attention. "No, 'sweetie,' he really isn't. I don't think you get that he's - "

"Perfect? I know he is, and I also know you're a thief. Steal him from me and you'll regret it."

Just like that, all the humor was gone. "Are you threatening me, Barbie doll?" Instinctively I stepped closer, reminding her that I was taller than most girls our age in the most intimidating way I could. I glared down at her, my arms crossed in front of my chest. "You might want to rethink that."

The girl stood her ground, glaring back. "All I'm saying is that this is a very big day for me. If some no-good thief ruins it, there'll be hell to pay. Understand?"

Before I could say a word, Adam and Steve walked over to either side of Mary with a smile on their face.

"What's up, you two? Best friends already?" Adam said with a genuine smile, patting Mary on the back. "Miss congeniality over here, I guess! Glad we could get you situated in town on your first day!"

Mary gave a high-pitched, fake laugh, flashing her white teeth as always. "Oh, Adam! You're so sweet! We were just talking about how scared Rachel here is of crowds! How odd, right?"

I scowled. "Yeah, you know me. Can't stand the limelight. I hear it totally flushes you out and adds ten pounds." I paused, grinning, before adding, "Oh no! Mary, I think it's already starting!"

The girl's jaw dropped. "It... W-what?"

"Oh no!" Steve said worriedly, patting her on the back. "Mary, I think she's right!"

Her chin began to quiver as she stared at him, horrified. "I... I..." She looked as if she were about to go into an asthma attack - her chest began to heave up and down and her hands began to shake as she felt her stomach, wondering if the ten pounds were noticeable. "I need to go get ready!" she cried, panic-stricken, before running off towards a stage in the center of the park. I hadn't realized it, but people were already beginning to gather in the park - all ages, shapes, and sizes, from young and skinny to old and fat. Towards the stage there was just about no room to even see the grass. I had no idea there were even that many people in Pallet Town.

Steve frowned, looking after her. "Poor thing," he said softly. "I need to go do her make-up. This could end up being a fashion disaster. Who's she fooling, wearing white?"

"Right... And there's still that Fearow nest in the tree above Mary's platform. I'm gonna go ask if they've gotten rid of it by now. Don't want it causing any trouble." Adam smirked, walking closely with the boy towards the center stage. He turned back to face me as he walked, giving me a peace sign as he yelled one final thing. "Nice meeting you, Rachel! If you're picking up pop cans, I think there were a few left by the creek. Glad you've realized we've all gotta do our part to make sure the park is clean!"

I frowned, glancing over at the creek a few yards away. Sure enough, he was right. Despite the extra work he just dished out, I had to admit, that boy was cool. Too bad he was teamed up with the little barbie doll, or I could've seen a friend in him and his little boy-toy. With a sigh I walked over and knelt down, picking up the can and plopping it in my bag. That had better be the last of those stupid things, or I swear I'll -

"Poli! Poli!"

I crinkled my nose, glancing around. What the hell was that?

"Poli!"

My eyes fell upon a strange feather sticking out from behind a stump nearby, near-transparent with a blue line going down the middle. Was the noise coming from there? Still on my knees, I crawled over, wondering just what could be going on. Upon closer inspection, the feather looked... organic, almost. There weren't any ridges in it - it was totally smooth, and somewhat wet...

"Poliii!"

I laughed as I glanced behind the stump, realizing how stupid I was. The 'feather' was attached to a tiny oval blue body with two small feet sticking out from its bottom, a white circle on its middle with a black spiral pattern filling it.

Right. A Poliwag. Duh.

"What the hell are you doing over here?" I asked, tilting my head. "And what's with the whining?"

The Poliwag seemed to notice me, it's eyes widening with fear as it screamed "Poliii!" and shot out a stream of water into my face. I spluttered, stumbling backwards and landing on my butt as it began to frantically whimper and whine while kicking its legs.

I wiped the water from my face, my mascara running. "What was that for, runt?!" I hissed, staggering to my feet and stomping my black boot to the ground in anger. "I can help, you know!"

The Poliwag settled down slightly, shuddering as it stared up at me.

"...Poli?"

"Still so happy about the water gun? Maybe I should just leave you here to rot - "

"Polii! Poliii!"

I sighed, bending over and picking it up. "Let me guess... You waddled out of that little creek to see what all the fuss was about today and you fell over? Those little legs aren't really the best for walking, and you don't exactly have arms to pick yourself back up... Heh. Useless."

The Poliwag's eyes narrowed as it shot another blast of water into my face.

"Alright! Alright! I take it back!"

I spluttered and wiped my face off with my arm as it huffed indignantly. "Jeeze... You're quite the firecracker, aren't you?"

I bent over, placing it on the stump and kneeling down to look it in the eyes. "That better, runt?"

The Poliwag looked off to the side, it's eyes narrowed in either embarrassment or anger. Heh. Maybe both.

"Look, I'm just giving you crap. Happens to the best of us, you know?" The Poliwag stared up at me, its expression lightening. "Though I don't think I've ever been stuck on my back before like that..." I cracked up, laughing my heart out before getting nailed with another blast of water.

'Kay. I should've seen that one coming. As I dried off my face, I couldn't help but gain some respect for the little thing. It really was happy to defend itself. "You're not all bad, you know that, Squirt? I like you." The Poliwag's face flushed as it turned to look towards the creek in embarrassment.

"Poli! Poli!"

"Right... The creek. Duh. One sec, I'll put you right back in there."

I straightened up, stretched, and as I went to grab the tiny Poliwag -

A loud squawking filled the air as a large orange bird flew by in a split second, picking up the tiny water-type in its talons and swooping away. "What the hell?!" I screamed, whirling around to watch the large bird nestle inside a tree above the center stage. Beneath it, an old man in a lab coat walked on stage, introducing himself as some kind of tree and staying that he was glad to be here today. I shook my head, realizing that wasn't important now. That stupid Fearow had Poliwag. I wasn't exactly sure what a person was supposed to do in a situation like this, but I didn't really care.

I dashed towards the tree at full speed, soon reaching the crowd of people lining up for Barbie's speech. A familiar face turned towards me up ahead, waving ecstatically.

"Angsty! Angsty! Over here! Come stand by me!" Jill yelled elatedly, jumping up and down. Great. Just what I needed.

"Can't right now, Chippy!" I yelled as I rushed by, nearing the tree. "Gotta do something first. I'll be over in a second!"

Jill beamed as I dashed by, leaning in towards a woman who, from her expression, didn't seem to know her at all. "That's my best friend, Rachel," she said proudly. "She calls me Chippy. I call her Angsty. It's our thing." The elderly lady stared at the officer disbelievingly before muttering something irritably and listening to the Professor's speech once more.

I finally reached the base of the tree, now able to hear Poliwag's cries from somewhere in the branches. It had been a while since I'd climbed a tree, but I guess there's only one way to remember, right? I hugged the tree, shimmying up a few feet before placing one of my feet on a sturdy branch. Instantly I began to climb, Poliwag's cries distorted from the leaves.

"There's a lot of people out there who wonder what it's like being me," Mary's voice rang out from somewhere beneath me. God, she's self-righteous. "Well, all I have to tell them is this: it's a lot of hard work and dedication. You have to be ready to put forth a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to become the best!"

I rolled my eyes, reaching up and grabbing another branch to pull myself up. It quivered and, for a split second, I almost worried that it would snap, but thankfully it held. I glanced over and could finally see Fearow's nest - it was on a branch right above head-level a few feet over. I shimmied over and raised myself onto the branch, praying to Arceus that it didn't snap as I began to crawl down it towards the humongous nest made of twigs and branches at the other end. At least this branch is huge, I thought to myself. It'd be my luck that it didn't hold and I'd go hurtling down.

The large Fearow was preening itself on a branch several feet above as three small Spearows squawked hungrily in its nest, cornering the tiny Poliwag now cowering in fear right ahead of me.

"Poli! Poli!" It squealed, blasting one with a shot of water as the other two advanced greedily. Poor thing - it wouldn't stop quaking.

It better be happy I'm doing this, I thought to myself angrily. Not many things get this level of attention. Guess I'm just in a giving mood today or something.

The Fearow seemed unaware of my presence as I reached the nest, quickly wrapping my right arm around the nervous Poliwag. It let out a surprised cry, struggling at first but soon realizing it was me. The flock of baby Spearow squawked angrily, rushing in and pecking at my arm as I let out a small squeal of pain. "Get off!" I growled, trying my hardest to back up but beginning to lose my balance. The three baby Spearow continued to squawk, bitterly flapping their wings as they dug into my arm.

"Stop!" I hissed, the Poliwag beginning to cry loudly as the Spearow tried to get to it through my arm. My worst fear came true, however: the Fearow stopped preening itself, glaring down at me.

You're kidding me, right?! I can't get a break!

"And so, with that hard work in mind, I," Mary Sue's voice rang out from below, followed by a fake giggle, "Mary Sue, wish you all a fantastic evening before the start of my journey! May you enjoy the parade and the commencement ceremony that follows!"

I began scooting backwards as fast as I could, the Poliwag shivering uncontrollably in my arms, but it was too late. With a mighty, ear-piercing screech, the Fearow unfurled its large wings, the gust of wind that came from the action making me lose my balance and fall off to the side. I screamed at the top of my lungs, hurtling down and crashing into a flimsy table a dozen feet below. From the corner of my eye I could barely see a large bowl propelled through the air right towards center stage, but there were more important things to worry about for now. The Fearow let out another screech that was drowned out by one much, much louder - gasping for breath, I turned around to see Mary Sue stained red, flopping a large plastic bowl down on her platform in front of her.

"Rachel!" she screamed, her hands balling into fists as she leapt towards me. Her high-heeled shoes, however, had something much different in mind, apparently. As she slipped and fell forward I staggered to my feet, glancing down at the Poliwag.

"Are you alright?!" I asked breathlessly. The Poliwag wheezed, but nodded its head. I glanced back up, noticing the Fearow burst through the branches into the sky. Horrified screams rang out from behind me, followed by nearly a dozen loud crashes, one right after another. I glanced back just in time to see Mary emerge from the middle of a ridiculously over-decorated float, her face bright red with anger.

This isn't going to end well. I just know it.

The ceremony was ruined. The table was broken beyond repair. Mary Sue was furious. Everyone was staring at the wrecked parade, horrified, except for one person: Officer Sue had his arms crossed in front of his chest, his face bright red with anger as he gave me a death glare. Something told me that I was going to be serving more than just community service once he got his hands on me.

Time to get away.

I began to limp away towards the outskirts of town as fast as I could, but it was too late. "You! Mary Sue screamed. "You did this! You ruined me!" I turned around in time to see her pick up her broken high heel and fling it at me, missing me by miles. Guess she was about as athletic as she was humble. My body was beginning to recover from the fall already, though my right arm was badly damaged. I began to dash as fast as I could, jumping over the creek in a single leap. From behind me I could hear the diva scream at the top of her lungs, "Get her! Get Rachel!"

The entire town seemed to roar in agreement, and soon the sound of hundreds of feet stomping on grass chased after me. I looked back, horrified, as the entire town rushed after me, some people crossing the creek in a single leap and the others wading through it in a couple seconds. Behind them, however, was the biggest blow I'd gotten all day - my father stayed behind, staring at the ruined parade with his head bowed in shame as the sun began to set.

Great... His first day as Chief of Police and his daughter ruins something like this. He's gonna hate me.

My father glanced over and, for a split second, I could have sworn we made eye contact. Mary Sue finally got out of the float and began to chase after me as well, followed by Adam and Steve, as Dad shook his head in shame.

I could feel the tears beginning to form, but I pretended not to care. Screw him. Screw them all. I don't even care. This is stupid. Who is he to be ashamed of me?! I was helping a Pokemon! I continued to run, the edge of town several dozen yards away, but the townspeople were gaining. I glanced back once more only to see Officer Sue and Jill leading the horde; despite the tears I couldn't help but smile as Jill turned to Officer Sue and yelled delightedly, "you know this girl we're chasing?! She's my best friend! She calls me 'Chippy!' I call her 'Angsty!' It's our thing!"

I didn't know what her problem was, but at least she was endearing. Guess she never made many friends.

"Give up now, Rachel! You don't want the police after you!" Chris roared, closing in on me. I could hear his large boots slamming on the ground behind me as he dashed closer and closer. "You're already going to get hit with a pretty hard time for this - don't make it worse!"

"Screw you!" I yelled out, tears streaming down my cheeks. I wasn't about to face my father. Not after this. I just burned that bridge. "I didn't do anything!"

"Stealing, destroying our holiday, and now lying, too? You have no shame, do you?!"

I looked back at my target: the tree line forming the boundary lines of Pallet Town. I rushed towards them as quickly as I could, but it was no use. I could almost feel Officer Sue's hands on me.

That was when it happened - a death defying screech filled the air, followed by a large gust of wind that nearly knocked me off my feet as Fearow swooped over my head.

"What the hell?!" Officer Sue yelled out from only a few feet behind me. "What's it doing here?!"

The Fearow circled back up ahead, its talons outstretched as it swooped down towards me. I screamed at the top of my lungs, Poliwag doing the same, but my instincts kicked in before I could even realize it: in a split second I had jumped through the air, hit the ground, and now rolled across the ground in a near-fetal position in order to protect Poliwag. The talons barely missed me as I rolled, instead hitting Officer Sue square on. He screamed at the top of his lungs as the bird picked him up and, in anger, dropped him into the crowd. Several people screamed, running over to help him as he staggered to his feet and the bird circled back.

Horrified, I jumped to my feet and began to run even faster as night began to descend upon Pallet Town. Crap, crap, crap. That wasn't what I wanted at all. He's going to kill me.

I shot into the thick clump of trees, disappearing in the shadows as Fearow circled overhead. It screeched angrily, zooming back down towards the group of people and this time picking up Mary Sue, dropping her a few feet away. She screamed my name as she staggered to her feet and realized that her white dress now had a large cut running across its center.

I bit my lip, tears running down my cheeks as I began to run through the night towards Viridian City, keeping between the trees in hopes of some sort of cover. As soon as I couldn't hear the din anymore, I stopped and leaned against a tree, trying my hardest to catch my breath.

I'd just burned all my bridges in Pallet Town. They're going to kill me for that. And Dad... My lip began to quiver, but I couldn't help it anymore. Dad... A large sob that I'd been holding in was let loose into the night, and before I knew it I was on the ground crying.

Why couldn't I be like Sarah? Why didn't I just become a trainer like he'd always wanted? She never would have ruined him like this. If they fired Dad from the force...

I steeled myself, wiping the tears from my face. I had to face reality: I just ran from police. I'm wanted for Arceus knows what, and I'm on the run now.

A small whimper arose from my left, knocking me from my thoughts. Poliwag nudged my leg gently, staring up at me with a worried look in its eye. "Poli?" it asked caringly, nuzzling against me. "Poli...?"

My lip began to quiver again. "Stupid little Squirt, getting caught by a Fearow. What were you thinking?"
The Poliwag continued staring up at me, rested against my leg. I continued on. "I- I'm sorry... I never put you back in that stupid creek. It's too late for me to bring you back... I'm going to have to leave you here. You can find your way back, right?"

The Poliwag huffed, blasting me with another spray of water. I squealed, protecting my face but still getting soaked.

"What was that for?!" I cried out, lowering my arms cautiously in case it was about to spray me yet again.

"Poli! Poli!" It began dashing forward towards Viridian City before falling flat on its face and squealing.

"What...?" I walked over and put it back onto its feet, cocking my head. "P-Pallet Town's the other way, you little runt." I was somewhat glad for the water on my face this time, however - I had realized I wasn't done crying. I still couldn't hide the tears in my voice, though.

Poliwag puffed up what I assumed was its chest and began darting towards Viridian City once more before falling on its face again. I couldn't help but chuckle, walking over and picking it up.

"Do... Do you want to come with me? Is that what you're saying?"

"Poli! Poli!" It kicked its legs feverishly, trying its hardest to get back on its feet.

I smiled, picking it back up and placing it on my lap.

"You're... You're sure? Honestly? 'Cause... You might be able to make it back to Pallet Town, you know."

The Poliwag grinned at me, nodding its head.

After a day like this, I didn't think it was possible for me to be happy. But this... I gave the tiny creature a hug, trying my hardest not to cry again. Arceus, I hated all this stupid crying. I hadn't cried for years.

"Heh... What was I thinking, right? You can't even make it two feet without falling flat on your face. There's no way you could've gotten to Pallet Town."

Poliwag squirmed out of my arms, blasting me once more with a spray of water as it yelled out angrily. I wiped the water off my face, laughing to myself softly.

I may be on the run, but at least I'm not alone.

////////////////////

"What your daughter did is inexcusable!" Officer Sue hollered, slamming his fist down on Chief Summers' desk. His face was bright red with anger, his eyes focused into narrow slits. "We lost her due to that stupid bird, and there's no telling where she's going or what she'll do! I want her cuffed and jailed this instant!"

Chief Summers gazed down at his desk, depression etched into his face. "I..." He sighed, burying his face in his hands. "I agree. We'll form a search party instantly."

"No need!" Jill piped up, looking at Barry with a smile. "We'll do it, sir!"

Both Chris and Chief Summers shared a worried look, but they both realized they had no choice - those were the only two people they had at their disposal. "Arceus... Rachel's as good as free."

"No she isn't!"

The door to the Chief's office swung open as Mary Sue stormed in, her stained dress shredded to pieces after the fight with Fearow. "I'll make her pay for ruining my ceremony! She won't get away if I have anything to say about it!"

Officer Sue smirked, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Well... You do have a Pokemon now... You're starting your journey anyways."

Chief Summers ran a hand through his hair, picking up the phone on his desk. "I guess I have no choice... I'll have to alert local authorities. The Officer Jennies need to know about this." He began to dial, but paused momentarily. "Rachel... What're we going to do with you? What were you thinking...?"

"Then that settles it," Officer Sue said warmly, a soft grin spreading across his face. "She should be ours by morning."

Jill grinned, her eyes bright. "Barry and I will head out to start looking for her, too! Won't we, Barry? It's the least that we could do!"

Barry scratched his head, frowning. "I dunno. I'm... sort of hungry, Jill. I could use a sandwich before we start anything serious."

"Then it's settled!" Jill exclaimed elatedly. "We'll head out immediately!" She squirmed in her spot with anticipation before quickly prodding Mary Sue. "Her and I are best friends, you know," she said with an air of pride. "She calls me 'Chippy.' I call her 'Angsty.' That's our thing."

Mary Sue scowled, disregarding the comment. The girl's blonde hair fell in semi-red, frizzed strands around her face, her mascara running down her cheeks. Her voice was filled with contempt.

"Don't worry, daddy. I won't stop until I get that girl. She's as good as yours."
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Last edited by Dawn_Hero; January 24th, 2012 at 03:15 PM.
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Old January 25th, 2012, 02:15 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
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Well, I just finished reading your chapter and it's pretty loooong 1st chapter, for me anyways. It didn't seem rushed to me, but there were a lot of things to keep in mind. I was introduced to variety of characters which I have to keep a mental note about. It don't think it's a problem for others though. Some characters seemed a bit forgettable, like Barry. “I was like who is this guy again- Oh right that dude.” So maybe you shouldn't name the characters if they aren't going to very important or play a good vital role for somebody else.



Mary Sue is no hero! She is the definition of perfect. Which means that is a hero? Just because Rachael does a couple of bad things classifies her as a criminal and a villain? You can answer these questions I have in your story if they play a role of some kind, or just tell me directly if they don't.

Mary Sue, which is her name and what she is. I get the inside joke! I can't help but feel like punching her in the face every time she speaks. She is annoying, hence "Mary Sue". Just wished Rachel punched her in the face when she called her "sweetie".


Rachael strikes me as a tom boy. I love her personality, she's tough as hell. Just wish she wasn't sarcastic in her responses towards others. I know she's just trying to make a good impression for her father. "Adam Stu", tom boyish girls don't fall for good looks. So i wondered why she would strike him as cute. I though Mary and Adam were going to be like arch rivals to Rachael or something. Mary is, dunno about Adam.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawn_Hero View Post
Screw you!" I yelled out, tears streaming down my cheeks. I wasn't about to face my father. Not after this. I just burned that bridge. "I didn't do anything!"
Got a bit confused when she was running away from the crowd. I dunno I guess I'm just a bad reader. But, how did she have time to burn the bridges? I figured the Fearow just bought her the opportunity to escape when it grabbed Officer Sue and hurdled him into the crowd.



I couldn't help but laugh at Jill's little recurring line!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawn_Hero View Post
you know this girl we're chasing?! She's my best friend! She calls me 'Chippy!' I call her 'Angsty!' It's our thing!"



This was a pretty fun fan fiction to read. Aside from Mary Sue and Adam Stu. Yeah guess they are intentional characters, and they seemingly seem to fit in here, but that doesn't mean I don't find them annoying. Rachael's dad is a jerk! How could he prefer a pay raise over the happiness of his daughter!? Rachael is on the run now and I don't blame her. It's good she running away from that a town full of narcissists and idiots. I'm looking at you Prof. Oak! To be honest I like Rachael's personality and I don't really want it to change that much. She's tough and I want to see how being independent is going to play out, unless they do catch her. Over ruining a festival, serves you right Mary Sue! AHAHAHA!
I'm really into this story mainly because I like Rachael.
Looking forward for more chapters, Keep em coming.. lmao

Last edited by DarkIceForever; January 25th, 2012 at 02:18 PM. Reason: spelling error
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Old January 27th, 2012, 04:14 PM
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Dawn_Hero
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
Well, I just finished reading your chapter and it's pretty loooong 1st chapter, for me anyways. It didn't seem rushed to me, but there were a lot of things to keep in mind. I was introduced to variety of characters which I have to keep a mental note about. It don't think it's a problem for others though. Some characters seemed a bit forgettable, like Barry. “I was like who is this guy again- Oh right that dude.” So maybe you shouldn't name the characters if they aren't going to very important or play a good vital role for somebody else.
You're right - I guess I'm disappointed that the length seems to have turned a lot of people off from reading this, but it's something to keep in mind for future stories. Thanks for reading this regardless. :p

Quote:
Mary Sue is no hero! She is the definition of perfect. Which means that is a hero? Just because Rachael does a couple of bad things classifies her as a criminal and a villain? You can answer these questions I have in your story if they play a role of some kind, or just tell me directly if they don't.

Mary Sue, which is her name and what she is. I get the inside joke! I can't help but feel like punching her in the face every time she speaks. She is annoying, hence "Mary Sue". Just wished Rachel punched her in the face when she called her "sweetie".
Well, I can safely say that your first paragraph will be answered in my story. We've only just begun - there'll be more time to explain why Mary Sue is the "hero" and Rachel's the "villain." Also, I'm glad Mary Sue annoyed you. It was fun to play around with an actual Mary Sue in this, and making her an annoying brat was a little too easy. xD

Quote:
Rachael strikes me as a tom boy. I love her personality, she's tough as hell. Just wish she wasn't sarcastic in her responses towards others. I know she's just trying to make a good impression for her father. "Adam Stu", tom boyish girls don't fall for good looks. So i wondered why she would strike him as cute. I though Mary and Adam were going to be like arch rivals to Rachael or something. Mary is, dunno about Adam.
Yeah, Rachel's definitely quite the tomboy. xD As time goes on, she'll only just get tougher. It should be fun to see how things end up for her with her hot-headedness. Hahah. As for Adam Stu, I obviously can't speak for every tomboy on the planet, but I know some that have fallen for the attractive jock. Since Adam's that, Rachel may have developed a small crush before realizing that... well... it would never go anywhere.

Quote:
I couldn't help but laugh at Jill's little recurring line!
Jill was really fun to write. xD I can't wait to write more with her in the future hahahah.

Quote:
This was a pretty fun fan fiction to read. Aside from Mary Sue and Adam Stu. Yeah guess they are intentional characters, and they seemingly seem to fit in here, but that doesn't mean I don't find them annoying. Rachael's dad is a jerk! How could he prefer a pay raise over the happiness of his daughter!? Rachael is on the run now and I don't blame her. It's good she running away from that a town full of narcissists and idiots. I'm looking at you Prof. Oak! To be honest I like Rachael's personality and I don't really want it to change that much. She's tough and I want to see how being independent is going to play out, unless they do catch her. Over ruining a festival, serves you right Mary Sue! AHAHAHA!
I'm really into this story mainly because I like Rachael.
Looking forward for more chapters, Keep em coming.. lmao
I take it that you really like Rachel. :p Ahahahah. I'm glad - she's probably one of my favorite characters that I've ever had in a story, and it's going to be fun to keep writing stories with her. I hope you keep reading, and thanks so much for the review - I enjoyed your thoughts and commentary. :D
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Old February 1st, 2012, 01:41 AM
Cutlerine
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Well, ain't this a surprise? You're here, too.

Anyway, I'm here to - as ever - provide a review, and provide it I shall. Now, the very first part of the chapter is good. It has a kind of aggressive conversational tone that I for one quite like and don't see enough of; the part that comes after the interlude with Mary Sue's speech, which returns to that, is also quite good for much the same reason. (Though I'm not sure about this line:

Quote:
However, let the record show that I, Rachel Summers, find this approach to be overwhelmingly clichéd and, with that in mind, shall begin my story by introducing to each and every one of you the role that I'll be playing this evening:
The phrase 'overwhelmingly clichéd' jars here, for some reason. I think it's because it doesn't quite fit with the rest of the lexis Rachel uses in these segments, and also because it makes the sentence quite long and unwieldy.)

OK, so by this point, I'm interested. I'm thinking: this is the story essentially of the antagonistic rival figure. Might have been better if the eponymous villain had turned out to be a proper villain, but never mind; this is cool too.

And then you betray your original premise completely. Quite simply: Rachel is not a villain, and Mary Sue is not a hero. There is absolutely nothing to suggest that either of them deserve the labels you've given them. Rachel does nothing villainous, and Mary Sue does nothing heroic; sure, the townsfolk perceive them as good and bad, but that's not what you set up in your introduction. In the intro, you set the narrator up as someone who is self-consciously the bad guy, someone who actually is doing wrong and who likes it, or who at least doesn't care. In the rest of the text, Rachel is just the misunderstood new girl who feels the wrath of the established popular girl - turning the story from an interesting tale of villainy with a nice anti-hero into something reminiscent of an American high school movie. The reaction of the town to the whole 'drenching Mary Sue' thing was also flagrantly unrealistic, but given your interpretation of Pallet Town, I think that it was more or less wholly understandable.

While we're on the subject of flaws, I think Jill's running gag might have been slightly overused - not very much, but there is a limit to how many times you can use a running gag in one chapter, and for me it felt like you took one step too many over the line there.

However - and it's quite a large however - this story does have one major thing going for it: it's genuinely fun to read. Once I got over my disappointment about Rachel not really being a villain, I found I quite enjoyed it - Rachel's narrative voice, while never as entertaining as in the introduction, is still amusing, and I'm a sucker for placing relatively normal people in a world of mildly insane idiocy and recording their reactions anyway; the farcical nature of the whole set-up was great; and it's always nice to see a Poliwag being given some time in the limelight. The only thing I would say about that is that I imagine Fearow attack with their beak rather than their claws; just looking at them, it definitely seems like they dive beak-first onto prey. That's not really a major thing, though - just the scientist in me wanting to analyse everything into correctness.

All in all, it was an enjoyable read - but there's going to have to be some serious work done if you want Rachel to really come across as a villain or Mary Sue as a hero, rather than both of them just being misunderstood. It's fine for what it is - but right now, I get the feeling the story is pretending to be something else.

Aaand... now I'm out of time, and so I must take my leave. Sorry about this. I usually reserve more time to apologise for all the critical things I've said so that I don't feel as bad, but there's no time today.

F.A.B.
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