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  #1    
Old August 11th, 2013 (03:13 PM). Edited August 11th, 2013 by TheAsianTaco.
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TheAsianTaco TheAsianTaco is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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These event takes place during our hero's adventures just like in the games of Pokemon Black and White. The Unova Region is falling a part, for some reason unknown, Pokemon's are dying by the thousands. After a battle Pokemon's seem to fall into a deep sleep when the Pokemon faints or loses in battle. What really is happening is the Pokemon dies. The Pokemon Dies for unknown reasons causing Gym Leaders to close their gyms to protect their Pokemon's. Evil Trainers use their Pokemons to fight other Pokemon trainers and forcing them to duel to the Pokemon's deaths. Its because of this trainers are only limited to catch only one Pokemon in each route to preserve the population of Pokemons. Many PokeScientist can't seem to figure whats going on and they all try to find out whats going on. The story of a young man will try to figure out whats going on as he faces many challenges on the way of his Pokemon Journey.

When I turned thirteen I was an official teenager. My mom was mad at me since she was disappointed that I never had the slightest bit of interest of becoming an Pokemon Trainer. While some of my friend might have moved on I didn't, and neither did my two best friends Cheren and Bianca. This year was different tho... I decided I wanted to be a trainer after all. I really was sick of staying home and just watching gym battles all day on TV and I was bored of play Pokemon Games on my Nintendo Gameboy Advance. Soo I decided to call up my boy Cheren, and I told him about what I was thinking about, I told him... I wanted to become a Pokemon Trainer. At first he was surprise that I would want to become a Pokemon Trainer. He told me that it was smart I waited till I was thirteen soo that I was older than all those scrubby ten year olds and I was more intelligent than the younger kids. Soo he told me, "I agree with your decision, and I've always wanted to explore the world of Pokemon. I want to meet every Pokemon and learn the secrets that still have to be discovered! If you're gonna become a Pokemon trainer, than might as well count me in to." Yes!! Cheren just like me wants to become a Pokemon trainer, now its time to ask Bianca. No surprise when I asked her she was already asking her parents if she could go on this adventure! Her father though doesn't believe that she's responsible enough to take care of herself and that she's too childish, but somehow she was able to convince her father. I told my mother and she said she'd love for me to go on a adventure to go visit the world of Pokemon. That's where my journey started, the journey unlike any other, the journey of Nuzlocke. The name everyone in the World of Pokemon will remember Tommy.

Authors Note: This is my first story I'm doing on PokeCommunity, soo if you guys can be soo nice and will post anything to help me that would be great, and be honest as well. Thank you and Enjoy(:
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  #2    
Old August 11th, 2013 (04:47 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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Actual stories go in the main forum for Fanfiction & Writing. I'll just move this over there for you.
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Old August 11th, 2013 (06:07 PM).
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TheAsianTaco TheAsianTaco is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Quote originally posted by Astinus:
Actual stories go in the main forum for Fanfiction & Writing. I'll just move this over there for you.
Ahhh thank you! I'm still new to this but thanks!(:
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Old August 12th, 2013 (09:39 AM).
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Keizaal Keizaal is offline
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*cracks knuckles* Let's do this.

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
These event takes place during our hero's adventures just like in the games of Pokemon Black and White. The Unova Region is falling a part, for some reason unknown, Pokemon's are dying by the thousands. After a battle Pokemon's seem to fall into a deep sleep when the Pokemon faints or loses in battle. What really is happening is the Pokemon dies. The Pokemon Dies for unknown reasons causing Gym Leaders to close their gyms to protect their Pokemon's. Evil Trainers use their Pokemons to fight other Pokemon trainers and forcing them to duel to the Pokemon's deaths. Its because of this trainers are only limited to catch only one Pokemon in each route to preserve the population of Pokemons. Many PokeScientist can't seem to figure whats going on and they all try to find out whats going on. The story of a young man will try to figure out whats going on as he faces many challenges on the way of his Pokemon Journey.
This is an good idea for a Nuzlocke Fanfiction! I've seen many Nuzlocke Comics where the player/author/artist adds "their own story" to the Nuzlocke to spice it up and make the rules of the Nuzlocke fit in with the story. This is a great example! I have one question though... Why didn't they just ban Pokemon Trainers? People could still keep Pokemon as pets, but the point of being a Trainer is battling, which according to this isn't looked well upon anymore. If the Gym Leader's are closing there gyms, how will the player progress through the story?

I really hope this was a summary and not part of the story because I'm not going to bother correcting all of that.

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
My mom was mad at me since she was disappointed that I never had the slightest bit of interest of becoming an Pokemon Trainer.
I bit too long of a sentence IMO. "My mom was mad since she was disappointed" doesn't make much sense. It should be one or the other.
Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
While some of my friend might have moved on I didn't
While some of my friends might have moved on, I didn't

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
and neither did my two best friends Cheren and Bianca.
and neither did my two best friends, Cheren and Bianca.

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
This year was different tho...
though

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
I really was sick of staying home and just watching gym battles all day on TV and I was bored of play Pokemon Games on my Nintendo Gameboy Advance.
Again, too long of a sentence, you can break it off into two.

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
Soo I decided to call up my boy Cheren, and I told him about what I was thinking about, I told him... I wanted to become a Pokemon Trainer.
My god why to you keep adding an extra 'o' to 'so'?"
Too long of a sentence again, ave a period after "about" instead.

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
He told me that it was smart I waited till I was thirteen soo that I was older than all those scrubby ten year olds and I was more intelligent than the younger kids.
"He told me that it was smart that I waited until I was thirteen."
Yet another long sentence

[QUOTE=TheAsianTaco;7780832]Soo he told me, "I agree with your decision, and I've always wanted to explore the world of Pokemon. I want to meet every Pokemon and learn the secrets that still have to be discovered! If you're gonna become a Pokemon trainer, than might as well count me in to."
If you're going to become a Pokemon Trainer, then you might as well count me in, too."

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
Yes!! Cheren just like me wants to become a Pokemon trainer, now its time to ask Bianca.
Yes! Cheren, just like me, wants to become a Pokemon Trainer. Now it's time to ask Bianca.

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
No surprise when I asked her she was already asking her parents if she could go on this adventure!
It was no surprise when I asked her. She was already asking her parents if she could go on an adventure!

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
Her father though doesn't believe that she's responsible enough to take care of herself and that she's too childish, but somehow she was able to convince her father.
Didn't Bianca actually convine her father, with the help of Elesa, in Nimbasa City? After her father originally said no in Nuvema, Bianca says "It's okay, I'm fine!" to the player and leaves anyway.

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
I told my mother and she said she'd love for me to go on a adventure to go visit the world of Pokemon.
Aren't they already in the World of Pokemon?

Quote originally posted by TheAsianTaco:
That's where my journey started, the journey unlike any other, the journey of Nuzlocke. The name everyone in the World of Pokemon will remember Tommy.
The characters aren't supposed to know what Nuzlockes are. Unless you are somehow implementing that in your story.
So I'm assuming this is the Prologue then? You should have said that in the beginning.
Tommy isn't really an original name for a fic tbh. (Unless it's your real name)

Alright, there are many things that you need to know in order to get good feedback on your fic

- Whenever a new character speaks, it's a new paragraph
- You can't really have a whole "chapter" as just one paragraph, you could easily expand on this and make it a decent length
- You REALLY need to go into more detail, this chapter just consists of "I did this, I did that, I said that, he said that." which will bore your readers to no end.
-You need to work on your grammar and punctuation
- You need to learn when to end a sentence to avoid long, boring sentences that don't make sense. Try reading your work out loud, it really helps!
-"so" only has one "o"

I think your idea for your Nuzlocke Fic has potential, you just need to work on your execution.
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