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Old March 15th, 2012 (05:27 PM).
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SuperGamecube64 SuperGamecube64 is offline
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Sounds like a rather philosophical title for a Pokemon fanfiction, but it will make sense before it is all over. This is actually going to be the first entry in what is at least a 3 part series. The plans and details are something I've been hammering out for some time, but I only recently began to actually write it.

The characters in this story are all Pokemon - but not how you're used to seeing them. These Pokemon are anthropomorphic. They walk upright and where clothes, etc. If you've even played the video game series StarFox, then you should have a very good idea of what I mean.

you may have noticed another thread with this same title that is locked. I simply posted an short intro, with plans to post this chapter later, but I was unaware that this was against the rules.


Chapter 1

A houndour was walking down the sidewalk of a not so busy street, a green backpack handing off of his right shoulder. He was a little scrawny, but he didn’t look sick of anything. His baggy jeans hung off of his hips a little, and his plain black tee was in desperate need of ironing. He looked to be about 13 years old. The weather was nice and sunny, but he carried a sort of disgruntled frown all the time, regardless of how he was feeling. The sun was beating down on him, warming his dark fur, but a gentle breeze kept things from getting too uncomfortable.


“Late again, huh?” called a disgruntled female’s voice.


The houndour stopped at a small house with a wooden fence around it. A vulpix about his age rested against the gate. She was a tad shorter than him, and was wearing a plaid skirt with knee socks and a dressy shirt with a tie. She obviously cared more about her appearance than our initial subject.


“Shut it…why’s your dad want me to walk you to school anyway? You could handle yourself better than anyone, even an adult if anything happened to you…” the houndour retorted as he crossed his arms.


“You know how Dad is; he thinks I’m a flower whose petals are going to fall off if someone looks at them wrong.”


“Let’s just go, we’re gonna be late for class…” the houndour sighed.


“So suddenly Cerberus gives two craps if he’s late for class, huh?” the vulpix teased as the two began to walk.


They were at school in a matter of minutes, and on time at that – a rarity for Cerberus. Unfortunately, the bell rang as soon as they reached their classroom and opened the door. All of the other students were present, and in their seats. The smell of dry-erase markers practically filled the air due to the numerous notes and messages written on the board.


“Cerberus and Fina….” A nintetails teacher addressed as they entered, holding a clipboard and a pen “…late.” She continued as she began to mark on the paper.


“HEY!” Cerberus blurted abruptly as he slammed his hands on his desk.


“I don’t want to hear it, I’ve cut you two enough slack.” The teacher replied as they took their seats. “As you’re all aware, the school year is coming to an end in two days. There are still open spots for entry in the annual end-of-the-year sparring tournament a swell, and I’ve been informed to tell anyone interested to sign up in the gym.”


“You should sign up, Cerb. I want to kick as many butts as I can.” Fina whispered with a giggle.


“What’s the point? It’s stupid…” Cerberus replied nonchalantly.


“You’re such a wet blanket…” Fina sighed.


“I just don-“



Cerberus was interrupted by the whack of a ruler on his desk. “You have ten seconds to give me a reason not to give you detention.” The teacher said coyly.


“End of the year school spirit?”


The ninetails sighed and strutted away, “See you this afternoon.”


Later that day, as Cerberus was serving his detention – as the only student in detention as well – Fina entered the class holding a sheet of paper and laughing deviously.


“Fina, you know better than to barge into detention hall.” The Teacher scolded softly.


“Sorry Ms.Hestia, I just wanted to inform Cerb that I signed him up for the tourney.” Fina said as she held the paper in front of Cerb and poked out her tongue.


“What?! Why?!” Cerberus asked, slamming his hands on the desk.


“Because, Dad won’t let me walk around town alone, and you made me wait…so now I’m going to slaughter you.” Fina smiled.


“I think it will do him some good.” Ms. Hestia laughed, “Now, detention is over. Off you go.” She continued, with a shooing motion.


“I can’t believe you did that…” Cerberus growled as they exited the school.


All Fina did in response was giggle. Just then, Cerbs cell phone began to vibrate in his pocket. He answered with a simple “hello”, but was in turn barraged by loud techno music. He could hear a voice mumbling through it, but couldn’t make out the words.


“Dex, turn down the tunes, sheesh!”


“Sorry, is this better?” replied a low, yet still juvenile voice.


“Much, what’s up?”


“Not much, but my Rogue is level 86 now. Do you know what that means?! I can cast multiple-“


“Dexter, I know about as much about what you’re saying as a slowpoke knows about running track.” Cerberus interrupted.


“…oh…well, the real reason I called is to see if you wanted to stay over tonight. Kind of end of the school year celebration of sorts.”


“Beats going home, I guess. Let me get Fina home, and go grab my things.”


“Alright then, I’ll see you.” Dexter replied as he ended the call.


“You going to have fun without me?” Fina teased.


“You know Dex’s mom would never allow you to spend the night, you’re a girl. God forbid he should learn how not to be socially awkward…”


At this point, Fina’s house was in sight. “I’ll be seeyin’ ya, I guess.” Cerb said as he continued down the street, past her home.


“Hey, Cerb!” Fina called as she opened her gate.


Cerberus stopped for a moment and peeked over his shoulder.


“Practice up a bit before the tournament, will you? I just want to rough you up, not put you in the hospital.” She finished as she stepped into her property and shut the gate.


“Stupid tournament…” Cerberus breathed as he continued how to get his things.


Cerberus was in his room, which was more akin to an unorganized garage. Clothes littered the floor, and band posters hung from all corners of the walls. He was grabbing various things he would need for the night and stuffing them into a tattered rucksack.


“Are you going for a sleep over or a vacation?” His mother asked with a raised brow, as she leaned in his doorway. She was a houndoom, as would be assumed, tall and thin – perhaps a little too thin.


“I always end up forgetting something, so I’m just over preparing this time.” Cerberus replied without ceasing to stuff his bag.


“Have you thought about preparing for that tournament that Fina signed you up for at all?”


“Psh…might ditch it….”


“You know, you’re father never lost a single annual school tourney…” She said in hopes that it might inspire him.


“Do we have to talk about dad every freakin’ day?” Cerberus replied as he threw his bag on his back and marched out, right past her without another word.


His mother let out a deep breath as he shut the front door.


By the time he arrived at Dexter’s, the sun was beginning to set. The house was two stories with a yellow exterior, and a nice wooden porch. As soon as he even touched the doorbell, the door burst open to reveal a very large and rotund female snorlax in a pink dress. “Cerberus! You are so adorable!” she yelled as she practically scooped him up into a bear hug.
“Is…Dex home?” Cerberus struggled to say as his ribs were being crushed.
“Oh, of course he is, darling!” replied the abrasive mother as she moved to the side for him to enter.


He made his way upstairs to Dexter’s room. It was certainly much tidier than Cerberus’, but there was probably just as much useless junk, although most of it way relating to gaming than to music, in comparison.


“What took you?” Dex asked from his desktop computer. Dex was a snorlax, and as such, was quite rotund. He wasn’t as big as he would be one day, however. He was wearing a shirt with a picture of a game controller on it and a pair of plaid pajama pants, sitting cross-legged in his chair. Most species would just be reaching a point where they might reach their next evolutionary stage at their age, but munchlaxes are just one of those species that grew up quickly.


“Wanted to make sure I didn’t forget anything.” Cerberus said as he threw his bag onto Dex’s bed. This stirred the boxspring and caused the eevee sitting upon the bed to bounce a bit. “Moving in?” the eevee chuckled.


The eevee was similarly dressed to Dex, sans the game controller. This eevee was also an unusual color – silver. Most eevee’s were a nutmeg shade of brown.


“Not in the mood, Victor…” Cerberus replied as he sat down on the bed.


“What’s wrong this time?” Victor inquired, not surprised at all.


“It’s always “Your father” this and “your father that” from her…”


“I presume you mean your mother?...well, he was kind of her husband you know. Assuming he’s alive, still is. She was just as hurt as you were, Cerb.”


“Can we stop talking about this?” Cerberus growled defensively.


“Speaking of getting hurt, I heard you’re in the tourney. So am I. Maybe we’ll fight!” Victor exclaimed.


“Well, aren’t you just going to be the femme fatal…” Cerberus insulted.


Victor had always had a slightly feminine air about him – the way he talked and carried himself – an Cerberus often poked at these traits.


“We’ll see who’s making jokes when you leave on a stretcher.” Victor sang.


“I think Dex should enter. He could just sit on people.” Cerberus grinned.


“Hey! Just because I’m big doesn’t mean….actually, I’m one of the biggest students, that might actually work…” Dex replied as if in deep thought about it.


“you see what you did? You’ve gone and given him ideas.” Victor twitched.


The trio continued to joke and such long into the night, despite the fact that they still had school in the morning.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------


I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I know nothing too interesting happened, but I mostly focused on character introduction. There are lots of twists and turns to come.
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Old March 15th, 2012 (08:59 PM).
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DarkIceForever DarkIceForever is offline
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Humanoid pokemon huh? I've never really read one of these fan fictions and I can see why there unpopular with many readers. I'll get to that in a second, i promise. So i'll start things off with spelling and grammer mistakes that I happen to come across.

You forgot to capitalize a [couple] sentence(s). Simple mistakes no biggie. Just watch out for em. This gives (the reader) me the idea that you were to lazy in going over your story and checking for mistakes. Overall don't forget to proof read. I think it helps to look over your fic several days (min. 24 hours) after you type it on a word processor. (Don't have one check out the writer lounge resources.) It really helps catching those simple mistakes. Anything close to perfection is much appericated!

So you didn't capitalize, no biggie.

“…oh…well, the real reason I called is to see if you wanted to stay over tonight. Kind of end of the school year celebration of sorts.”

You also didn't use punctuation correctly is some of your sentences. This also fails to impress readers becuase you broke some basic english rules. I'm not saying you have to be professional, but just really try and do some research online on how to write correctly. Wikipedia is definetly a good resource. Know when commas, hyphens, and semicolons are appropriate.

Example inappropriate commas.

"Because, Dad won’t let me walk around town alone, and you made me wait…so now I’m going to slaughter you."

A better use of commas. (It means also means rewording the sentence.)

"My dad won't let me walk around town alone, so now I'm going to slaughter you because your late."

Example of inappropirate hyphens.

Later that day, as Cerberus was serving his detention – as the only student in detention as well – Fina entered the class holding a sheet of paper and laughing deviously.

Hyphens are really unnecessary in this sentence. Hyphens should really only be used to conjoin one word with another, not with entire sentences.

Example of correct hypen usage in a orginal sentence.

"There are fourty-three students in my class."

So as you can see hypens are not needed. The bolded sentence could easily be fixed by re-wording. Oh look a hypen. LOL

Here let me re-write it for you. (Pun intended.)

"Cerberus was the only student that served detention that day. Fina walked in the classroom where Cerberus was serving detention and began to mock him."

Another note that I should point out before I talk a bit about your story is how you structure your paragraphs. It seems that you quickly jump into senarios without much warning. This can really throw off a reader as well. One second Cerberus was in class and then the next he was serving detention. That's a huge gap in the storyline. What happend about the school day? There was just gym sign ups. You really get straight to the point here. People like to read how people react about the upcoming situation not just how they get to them.

If you want to have a giant gap like that you should note it by using what are called page breakers "---".

Example with orginal sentences:

The kid said good-bye to his friends and walked out the door.

---

The kid had finally arrived at the big city to meet his long lost grandfather and he blah blah blah. The story goes on until you have another giant gap.

It was pretty bland to have Fina the only one hyped. What about the other classmates? Aren't they pyched as well?

So enough about that let's get into your story. Cerb stikes me as emo. I don't know why, but the dude sounds down all the time. Fina is sort of the mocking chick that everyone wants to punch. She doesn't strike me as a loveable character. Dex is probably the only character I like. He's a snorlax and a giant fat computer geek. Those characters are always lovable for me. Don't know why, but it's probably because of the character he reminds of in an anime "Eden of East".

One more thing!You excessively discribe what the characters are wearing. This is usually frowed upon in fan fiction because readers want to visualize the character by his/her personality. The clothing comes later. It's not bad if you say the character has a green shirt or some blue jeans in one sentence. Just don't dedicate a whole paragraph to what they are wearing. You can drop in a clothing item here and there.

Orginal sentence:

The kid kicked the ball so hard his black and white checkered shoes went flying in the air.

Don't just say the kid wore black and white shoes checkered shoes. Give it some meaning and readers will happily visualize him with that style of shoes. So find some way of getting his/her style across by making him/her do somethings.

Phew! So as I promised I will now get to the Humanoid pokemon thing. It's very unpopular with many people because well pokemon are viewed as animals! Yes we know animals fly arwings in Star Fox, but that really has nothing to do with it your fan fic, other than telling us that they resemble humanoids.

The majority of your readers are working adults, college students, and some high school students here and there. Star Fox is not popular anymore because people are unintrested in talking animals. Pokemon don't talk, expect in those dungeon games. Other than that most readers are intrested in humans and pokemon interacting not a hybrid of both. The whole time I was reading I found it more enjoyable to picture them as actual humans.

I really can't picture a female houndoom with people clothes standing in the hallway. It's really bland. I'm not really trying to tell you to quit or something I'm just letting you know. If anything continue your story how you feel is best for you. Those are the good fan fictions, and of course work on your writing mechanics. Never alter you story because someone said they dislike it and you want to meet thier tastes. There's always a fanbase for everything. I think though not many people will find the idea attracting as they do for other things.

Also the majority of the story is dialouge. This is frowed upon to. Why not include some more narration? We want to get inside the character's heads a bit more than just knowing what they say. This is a diffrence between a book and a movie.

Best of luck in your future projects. I hope you aren't too discouraged, you have some things to work on. I hope to see you improve in the not too distant future. See-ya!
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Old March 16th, 2012 (10:05 AM). Edited March 16th, 2012 by SuperGamecube64.
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SuperGamecube64 SuperGamecube64 is offline
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Thanks for your advice, darkice. Believe it or not, I used to be an English tutor. That's been a while, though. Also, a lot of the stuff you mentioned,is absolutely correct, especially the narration thing. Truth is, I've been so busy lately that this is the first story I've written in at least a year. College does that, I guess. I've lost my touch, I'm afraid, and that is definitely an old habit that I've gotten myself back into. Thanks so much, and I hope you will continue to read, and help me improve my writing. Hopefully, I can get back to where I once was, if not go even farther.

I'd like to comment on a few things you said. Cerb is far from emo, but he's certainly a stressed kid. Msot stressed kids would act in that way. And Fina is actually really caring, she's just one of those people that doesn't want you to know it. And Dexter has been awesome since the day my mind conceived him over a year ago, I agree. He gets more awesome when he grows up, trust me. XD
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