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  #1    
Old March 30th, 2012, 05:32 PM
ConfusedKat444's Avatar
ConfusedKat444
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: On a rainbow
Gender: Female
Nature: Naughty
Okay so me and my friend(her username is Usefulidiot) wrote this story Please tell me what you think and if they are good i will continue if not i will quit.


Chapter 1.

"Come on Claire we have to go now or we are gonna be late" I heard Marissa call up as I was slipping on a pair of glittery white heels to go with the skirt i had on.
My blond hair was curled and up.
I always thought of dying it brunette but decided against it. that was when Marissa kicked open my door and said "come on what is taking you so long we have to go, now!"
Marissa has always been impatiet since the day I met her 3 years ago.
That was when he came in through the door looking for his sister. He looked at Marissa and spoke,"There you are Marissa, look we have to go!" Her brother Chris leaned on the door looking bored and impatient.
I looked at him smiled and said "hey pretty boy" That was when i tripped and fell on him, I was so embaressed I wanted to cry."oh my god I'm so sorry" I said as I got off of him.
"Don't worry about it's fine" he said as he smiled at me then waked out the door.
"Come on already!" said Marissa trying to hold back laughter.
I was now getting in the backseat next to Chris I looked over to him and said "hey pretty boy where is your girlfriend?" But right after asking i looked away so he didn't notice how red was my face was at this point.
"She said age was going to meet us at the place" he said while looking through his phone.
I looked down that was when i relised i had tears going down my face. Was i jealous, now that can't be it i don't like him like that he is my best friends brother.
*no
I quickly wiped away the tears careful not to smudge my makeup
"Claire are you okay" He said while whipping a few more tears before kissing me. "What Are You Doing!" I heard Marissa yell as we puled apart.
*pulled
I looked at Marissa and quickly said "Nothing! We weren't doing anything!"
"Chris why would you kiss her you have a girlfriend!" I ran out of the car tears pouring down my face. I saw Chris trying to chase after me but Marissa was holding him back and yelling at me "Claire you better get running you ****!"
I ran as far as I could in heels until I sank to my knees and started crying again "GOD I'M SO STUPID! WHY DID I LET HIM KISS ME?!" I screamed
That was when i heard him calling my name. "Claire come here you don't have to run anymore" I got up and did the first thing i thought of i ran away from him. As i was crossing the road i didn't see a car speeding down the road I noticed it wasn't gonna stop.
I was then pushed out of the way by Chris and he got hit by the car.
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  #2    
Old March 31st, 2012, 06:45 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Let me welcome you not only to Fanfiction and Writing, but also to PC! If you have any questions about anything on the forum, don't hesitate to ask.

I know you're looking forward to getting responses on your story, but FF&W is a slow-moving forum. You won't get a response too quickly usually. But I can give you some advice, if you don't mind.

Your story idea seems like a young adult romance novel. The characters are teenagers, right? When you're writing a romance novel, you should develop the relationship between the two leads so readers can understand them more. Not only should you develop the relationship, but also the characters themselves. Readers don't have much time spent with Chris to get to know him before he's hit by a car, and what we do know about him is kind of questionable. Why would he kiss another girl if he's already with someone? It's the same with Marissa. Why does she like Chris?

Other than that, the grammar could be a little polished. It seems like you understand the basic rules, so just be sure to read over your story before you post it to catch any mistakes. (For instance, you missed capitalizing a few cases of the pronoun "I" when you did it at other times.) There's also a few missing punctuation marks. And

Quote:
now that can't be it i don't like him like that he is my best friends brother.
*no
this and

Quote:
I heard Marissa yell as we puled apart.
*pulled
this made me wonder if you and your friend corrected the spelling of the words but didn't fix them?

Other than that, this looks to be the start of a good story. You and Usefulidiot definitely keep writing!
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  #3    
Old April 2nd, 2012, 01:26 PM
ConfusedKat444's Avatar
ConfusedKat444
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: On a rainbow
Gender: Female
Nature: Naughty
Okay so i'm discontinueing this for now (will be done after i finish the one i started) I am soo happy about the one i just started i will have it posted in a sec :p
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