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Old April 2nd, 2012, 03:19 PM
ConfusedKat444's Avatar
ConfusedKat444
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: On a rainbow
Gender: Female
Nature: Naughty
Okay so i wrote this one out of boredom It is a Victorious Fan-fic please tell me if i should continue or not

Tori's POV
It was Monday morning I had just woken up after hearing my phone go off then I heard Trina call up "Come on Tori we have to go now the Castings for the play are up and I need to know that I got the lead!" I didn't say anything back and that didn't make me hurry up either I was now putting on a bright purple tank top with some blue jean shorts. The I heard my phone go off this time it was Beck Oliver I answered it right away not knowing what he wanted."Hey Tori do you think Trina could stop by and pick me up?" It took me a while to answer but i responded with "I don't know why what happened?" He shyly answered with "well you see me and Jade got into a fight last night then she stole my car keys and threw them in a lake." "oh wow i'm sorry i'll go ask Trina then call back Bye." He then hung up and I went down stairs to ask Trina. "There you are Tori come one we have to go right now!" I looked down at the ground not know how she would respond "well actually Trina do you think we could stop by Beck's house and pick him up." She looked at me with a weird exspression and said "okay Tori we will go pick up your lover." I quikly called Beck back he answered right away. "Hey Tori so what did Trina say." he sounded kinda nervous while asking. "She said it was fine but you are gonna have to listen to her tryign to sing along with every song that comes one that she knows." We both started to laugh then hung up and I walked to the car and got in the back seat. We pulled up to his house Trina made me go and knock on the door but there was no answer the first time. I was about to leave because I thought Jade might of came and picked him up. As soon and I turned around I saw him standing there he was wearing a black shirt with a red plaid over shirt, his hair looked a little over done as always but he was perfect in every way. I know it was wrong to think that way about him because he is in love with Jade and she is in love with him. He glanced at me then started to walk over "Hey Tori you finally made it." I looked at him confused did he think I would just ditch him "Well yeah I wouldn't forget about you." He looked at me frowned then quickly turned it into a smile but I could tell something was wrong "What is wrong you seem upset?" His fake smile quickly turned back into a frown " Well the real reason I wanted you to come get me is because Jade was supposed to but she forgot and my dad took my keys, so i had no other way of getting to school." I looked at him he could see the sorrow in my eyes he pated my head and said "Look it's not your fault so you don't need to worry." I looked down at the ground my smile was now gone I didn't know what I felt anymore " Well umm lets get going we are gonna be late." I hesitated afterwards we walked to the car and both got in the back side by side.I fell asleep on the way there when I woke up my head was on Beck's shoulder when we got there he nudged me to wake me up. "Good morning I'm surprised Trina's singing didn't wake you." he said trying to hold back a smile."Well you get used to it when you have to live with her!" I exclaimed. We got out of the car and as I slammed the door shut Beck hugged me and said "thank you for the ride I owe you big time." I looked away and just started to walk not even waiting for him.
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Old April 3rd, 2012, 03:12 PM
ConfusedKat444's Avatar
ConfusedKat444
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: On a rainbow
Gender: Female
Nature: Naughty
Well Guys here is Chapter 2 It was kinda rushed and I don't think it's all that great and it must not be with no replies XD
Beck's POV
What did I do wrong why did she just storm off like that was she mad or just in a hurry.My confusion was soon gone when I heard a voice in the distance I knew it was no one other the Jade she cam over and greeted me with a kiss. I knew it would make her mad but i had to ask her "Hey have you seen Tori around?" She then frowned at me and said "Why do you need her am I not good enough!" I sighed the got up to go look for Tori. She was no wheres to be found but there was one last place I had to check. The Janitors closest was the last place she could be I was approaching the door I wasn't sure if I should open it but i did anyways.Tori wasn't in there maybe she skipped school and went home. I faced the rest of the day and as soon as i got home I called her.There was no answer I waited another couple hours then called again. Still nothing did i really make her that mad that was when I decided to get in my car and drive over there.After about 10 minutes i arrived at the door. I wasn't if I should knock or not part of me said not to the other part said to let her because I'm with Jade.I heard my phone go off I quickly answered it only to find out it was Jade."Hey babe what are you doing" I didn't know what to say I couldn't tell her where I was. "I'm with my parents I have to go" I hung up before she could reply.I froze for a second i heard someone coming to the door it was to late to hide the door slowly opened.Tori's mom appeared in the door was shocked and wondering what I was doing there. "Hi is Tori home?" She gave me a look i had never seen before but she replied rather quick"Yeah come right in I'll go get her." I went in the door and stood next to the couch waiting for Tori.I heard footsteps coming down the stairs I could tell tha tit was Tori. "Beck what are you doing here!" She yelled teh seond she saw me. "Tori what is wrong why are you so upset." She glared at me then walked closer to me. "You should know what you did!" I frowned a little I have never seen Tori this upset and it was all my fault."But I Don't Know you stormed off today and I couldn't find you!" Tears started to form in her eyes I reached out my arms to hug her."I'm sorry Beck for everything you didn't need to come here." I smiled at her and said "But I wanted to come here I needed to know that you were okay." Her anger was now gone she walked over to sit on the couch then motioned for me.We spent the night watching movies and listening to music.I got up to leave but when I went to grab my car keys Tori woke up."Beck where are you going it's 1 in the morning?" I stopped and looked back at her. "I'm going home I don't think your mom would like it if i stayed." She frowned and said "She doesn't care she thought you were staying the night anyways."
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Old April 3rd, 2012, 04:06 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Hello there! I've noticed that your format is a bit screwy. I think somebody else has told you already, but I guess I'll tell you to fix your format to make your story easier to read. That means you have to start a new paragraph everytime there's dialouge.


Quote:
There was no answer I waited another couple hours then called again. Still nothing did i really make her that mad that was when I decided to get in my car and drive over there.After about 10 minutes i arrived at the door. I wasn't if I should knock or not part of me said not to the other part said to let her because I'm with Jade.I heard my phone go off I quickly answered it only to find out it was Jade.."Hey babe what are you doing" I didn't know what to say I couldn't tell her where I was. "I'm with my parents I have to go" I hung up before she could reply.
Example


Quote:
There was no answer I waited another couple hours then called again. Still nothing did i really make her that mad that was when I decided to get in my car and drive over there.After about 10 minutes i arrived at the door. I wasn't if I should knock or not part of me said not to the other part said to let her because I'm with Jade.I heard my phone go off I quickly answered it only to find out it was Jade.

"Hey babe what are you doing" I didn't know what to say I couldn't tell her where I was.

"I'm with my parents I have to go" I hung up before she could reply.
This helps the reader know someone is speaking.

Also the syntax, the way construct you're sentences is a little screwy too. It's not really clear and it doesn't make much sense at times.

Also found some spelling errors like,

Quote:
I heard footsteps coming down the stairs I could tell tha tit was Tori. "Beck what are you doing here!" She yelled teh seond she saw me.

Well, I don't know much about Victorious. All I know is Ariana Grande is hot! XD My sister watches that show, but in terms of kid shows I watch only spongebob and pokemon. (And some digimon here and there.)

I kinda hate to say this, I mean type, whatever lol! Uh, there are a lot and I mean a lot of grammer mistakes, mis-usage of commas, and no spacing between sentences at times. I would love to track down all your mistakes but I'd feel it would be a big lecture on my part. Maybe try a beta reader if your dead-serious in finishing you fan-fic. They will scan through your fic and lecture you.

If you want to be a bit more self-directed I recommend you check out wikipedia and/or the writers lounge sub-forum. They got all the tips and advice to help you write. It also helps to be an active reader. You should take some time, sit down and read a book. Not only do you see how a narrative is written, but you get some pretty cool ideas on format.

Last thing is you shouldn't rely on people to tell you to write. I like to write for my own self-enjoyment. Kinda how you said you were bored so you decided to write. Isn't writing fun? lol We then post it on forums to see how people feel about.

So I would say don't write for others. It's your own world your creating, don't create it for others hoping they'd jump in to your idea. It's your idea for you. Guess, what I'm trying to say is don't let people dictate weither you write a story. Unless you write to satisfy others, but those stories aren't good most of the time.

Writing is fun, but it's a lot of work. Good luck, and I hope you continue to write fan-fiction.

EDIT: I forgot to mention you are posting in a extremely high rate. This is a red-flag that tells a reader you aren't doing your part in proof-reading. Rushing is always bad. You have all the time in the world (1 month if you post it on forum) to perfect your fiction. So I would say to slow down and really consider what you're writing.

Last edited by DarkIceForever; April 3rd, 2012 at 04:13 PM.
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