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  #1    
Old April 9th, 2012, 03:01 PM
-Grayscale-'s Avatar
-Grayscale-
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Black and White
Age: 17
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Prologue



The voices of the forest were calm, tiny rays of forbidden sunlight trying to peek through the ceiling of leaves to catch a glimpse of the barren ground. Few creatures could sustain themselves in such a wasted area. Life itself seemed to avoid sprouting through the flattened dirt, while any green that had touched the land or the trees seemed to change a more sickly color. Feelings of hopelessness drifted through the air, not carried about by wind as there was no breeze. It was a truly disdainful place, and was home to close to none.

It was one rare day when a lone pokemon settled in such forest. A Venonat to be exact, called by the name of Jerome, who found himself oddly fascinated with the shady and mysterious area. He was un-doubtfully brave and rather resourceful, successfully able to build a home and find food individually. Such a lonely atmosphere may have seemed depressing for other creatures, but Jerome found it more peaceful and adventurous than anything. He had whole life ahead of him, and this was a place where he believed he could live without fear or worry.

Called upon by hunger, Jerome scattered out of his small, wooden foundation(a.k.a. a tree) to search for more food. His tiny feet were quick across the dry ground, allowing him to search easy. It still took him a total of ten minutes to find a single, small insect, which he eagerly grasped onto with his tiny claws. As the days had passed, the pokemon was slowly realizing how empty his new chosen neighborhood actually was. Even small bugs, a Venonat’s main diet, were becoming rarer to come by. Such a thing was almost unheard of by his kind. It was even more unlikely for a pokemon like him to ever go hungry for more than a day, as nights always brought plentiful prey.

Trying not to worry, Jerome continued his small adventures each night, often climbing through branches to look above the tree-tops and find stars waiting. However, his loneliness soon grew, and he secretly wished to find a friend among his new home. Eventually taken over by the lingering sadness, he planned to leave his few belongings behind and seek his family whom he had originally separated from. It had been close to a month, and it pained him to have failed to live without their guidance.

Travel was a long and enduring battle he was now scared to take part in. He was truly hungry, and he had never felt such way before for longer than a day. If he was to gather his energy and leave now, he was going to surely starve. Frustration kept him around for one more final night, Jerome climbing through the trees to search for as much food and nutrients he could find. It was now or never. His lungs beat hard, and the poor Venonat found himself growing too tired too quickly. He paused, laying down on a branch while letting loose a mix of both a groan and a sigh. It was possible that he was going to be stuck in this place for the rest of his life. And it was a frightening concept. What pokemon could enjoy such loneliness? Not him, no, not anymore…

His large, bug-eyes shot wide open at the glimpse of pink; a Pecha berry, tucked inside a tree-trunk. He hadn’t seen a single one since his arrival to the forest. Bounding over with excitement, his better judgment was clouded by his hunger, and he greeted ignorancy as he bit down into the sweet fruit. A quick sound of the snapping of a twig and Jerome flipped back to face whatever was coming his way. There was nothing in his sight, but worry flew into his mind at the moment. His breathing rate accelerated, and his eyes didn’t dare to blink. Seconds passed like hours, Jerome holding onto the berry protectively. Half of his mind told him he was mad, the other half scared for his life. It took all his courage to try setting down the berry in his shaking insect hands, but instead he ended up flinging it, a sharp claw raking against his face the moment he moved a centimeter. Jerome instantly cried in pain and fright, his vision turning a dark red from blood and burning his eyes. His screaming lingered through the piercing darkness, no other attacks coming, leaving him paralyzed on the tree he was laying on along with the blood which had dripped from his face.

***************

Sun rose, though it was barely any lighter to tell the difference. The Venonat had been awake for countless hours, his vision now blurred and his wounds slowly sealing themselves under his purple fur. His mind was screaming at him to run for his life, but that could also bring another attack- one he wouldn’t live from. There was another chance that the creature had sparred him, but he wasn't positive of it, as Jerome was apparently right next to its stash of food.

“H-hello?” He spoke out loud in a pleading voice, “…Whoever’s there, p-please don’t kill me… I just want to get home to my family. I’m starving, and scared, and lost…”

There was no reply for the longest of time. A tear began forming in the little pokemon’s bloodied eye as he sunk into the wood.

“...You think you are hurt, you think you are starving… but you are wrong. You don’t know pain. You don’t know true hunger,” a screeching, altered voice pounded in the pokemon’s mind as he laid down, “…Get up.”

Scared, he immediately obeyed and rose from his position, only to be slashed clean across the back and pushed back down. His shrieks and cries came out just as they had the night before, but it wasn’t the end. “I said, GET UP,” the voice boomed in his head, now in a different and un-worldly voice, as if it were emitted from a possessed child. Jerome was now in complete panic. He sprung up and ignored his injures, desperately leaping off of the tree he was on and trying to catch onto another one. The Venonat reached for his targeted branch, but the wounds from his back made the pain too excruciating. Hanging from one claw, he hung for his life with his fingers embedded in the wood.

He only got this chance for a mere second. A small body of fur dived straight into Jerome and pulled him down without try, both the figure and the Venonat collapsing into the solid ground. Such an impact left Jerome immobile, bearing the weight of his unknown attacker and himself as he had crashed. His life was finished, and he swore he could see the light coming for him.

Please, get up…” the voice said in his head one last time, now fully resembling the voice of a small, scared boy. The attacker knew Jerome couldn’t fulfill the wish, and Jerome knew he couldn’t either, but the Venonat struggled. He struggled and hoped that the monster would cleanly finish him now. He struggled and prayed the pain would end. And he managed to stand up after an eternity of struggling, only to come face-to-face with his attacker and find a pokemon more small and pained than himself. Another one of his kind, looking up to him with the youngest, yet most deviously glowing eyes that reflected the eyes of a true murderer. “Good night,” the child giggled in the Venonat’s head as it turned his world black.


(This is my first time writing a story. Please review and critique. I hope you enjoyed reaading, and if you did not, I beg you to post a comment about your thoughts about this. Thank you.
Also sorry if it's a little confusing as to what direction I'm taking from here. I'll have Chapter 1 up soon enough.)

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Last edited by -Grayscale-; April 9th, 2012 at 03:34 PM.
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  #2    
Old April 10th, 2012, 12:50 PM
SuperTrainStationH's Avatar
SuperTrainStationH
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Gender: Male
If this is your first story, then I have to say, this is an excellent first attempt.

However, there's some proofreading things that seem to be overlooked, and some clarity issues and things the confused me a bit, so I'll go ahead and point them out.

Quote:
The voices of the forest were calm, tiny rays of forbidden sunlight trying to peek through the ceiling of leaves to catch a glimpse of the barren ground
Calm voices in the forest don’t make me think of a barren, inhospitable place. Real life forest floors are generally teeming with life. While descriptive, the language at the beginning of the first sentence make me think of a verdant, lush place, which makes it jarring and distracting that the point of the sentence, and the entire paragraph, is what an inhospitable place this is.


Quote:
...a lone pokemon settled...
Pokémon is left lower cased, which while it may put some people off, I also appreciate that perhaps “in universe” Pokémon could be taken to be an improper noun. If Pokémon and Pokémon species are treated as improper nouns, then for consistencies sake perhaps species names like Venonat shouldn’t be capitalized either. Your call on this, its more a style choice than an actual error.

Though I will say, its nice reading about Pokémon species that aren't typically written about much.


Quote:
He had whole life ahead of him,
Did you mean "He had (HIS) whole life ahead of him,"?



Quote:
Jerome scattered out of his small, wooden foundation(a.k.a. a tree) to search for more food.
Its okay to just describe something as a tree. It’s great to use creative volcabulary, but if you feel the need to inset a parenthetical note to clarify things for the reader, its possibly a better just to call the tree a tree.


Quote:
...small insect...
Do you mean a tiny bug-type Pokémon, or a “real” insect? If non-Pokémon animals exist in this setting and it's something that will rear it's head hear and there, establishing it a bit more firmly than that in the narration might help avoid reader confusion or alienation later on.


Quote:
Such a thing was almost unheard of by his kind.
What thing is unheard of? Going hungry? The lack of food? This paragraph is kinda unclear on this and it distracted me as I tried to continue.


Quote:
Sun rose,
Did you mean "The sun rose,"?



I can't think of anything else I had issues with. If this is your first attempt you're on the right track in general and are well ahead of the game in terms of most first attempts at stories like these.

I have no idea where the story will continue from here though. For all I know this intro could be a fake-out beginning and the actual story is about whatever killed or ate Venonat.

In general, I find that posting a prolog without the first chapter proper or some sort of strong indication of what characters the main story will involve or what problem is in need of solving is risky.

However, I did enjoy reading this and wouldn't have spend the time responding if I didn't think it wasn't worth improving and continuing, so keep going!
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