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Old May 13th, 2012 (06:31 AM).
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dracoflare dracoflare is offline
 
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Yet another attempt of mine. This time it is a non-anime fiction. It is short and kinda sweet for reading...so do review!

The ringing phone left her with dread. This was the second call that morning. She has just received a call from her boyfriend saying that he was chasing some dangerous people; he mentioned that they had guns. She didn't know where he called from or where he was headed to. She simply waited for his call wondering what he was doing.

"W-What do you m-mean?" Her voice trembled. She hang up and put down the receiver immediately. Sixteen year old Tiffany Smith immediately rushed out of her house. She took the Pokeball put on the table and rushed to the main door.

A wooden stick suddenly obstructed her path. She stopped immediately avoiding tripping against the stick. Holding the stick with her right hand was a short old woman, "And where do you think you are going?"

She pulled the tendrils of loose-red hair behind her ears. "I am just going to Rita's." She lied.

"I can tell when you lie to me, Tiffany." The old woman rested herself against the stick. "That boy is up to some mischief?" She asked with a frown.

Tiffany looked away feeling guilty. She then said with a worried expression, "Carlos has gone to Route sixty-five. He thinks there is something up there."

"Is he foolish?" The old woman yelled. "Doesn't he know what happens to those who go by that road?"

Indeed. What the heck was he thinking? Tiffany wondered. She knows very well that Route Sixty-five is known as the Road to Nowhere and everyone who went up by that road ended up dead or missing. The route has been abandoned by the people of Kanto for ages, even the bravest trainers walk away not just because of fear but because of the deep fog in which it was not safe to travel at all.
A courageous young trainer once went inside with his Rapidash. The next day the Rapidash returned back alone with its trainer missing, the flames on the Pokémon died out as soon as it reached the village. The villagers buried the Pokémon in the Pokémon cemetery in memory of the courageous boy.

Although she didn't believe much about the story, Carlos believed in it. Although he was as old as her he believed in such existences. Then why on earth did he follow that path?

The phone call she received was from her friend Rita saying that the boy rushed in that route mounted on his Tauros. He looked like he was chasing something.

"Grandma, I will go." She said heading out.

"Don't be stupid." She shouted, "Are you going to die with that boy?"

"I don't care if it is the Road to Nowhere, if Carlos went there I'll bring him back." She declared. She reached out to the door's handle as the old woman screamed to stop her.

Ignoring her screams she took out her Pokeball and tossed it. With a bright flash light, the triple headed Pokémon Dodrio emerged out of the Pokeball.

"Let's go!" She kicked the Dodrio into motion, the Pokémon ran at high speed.

"Somebody please!" Tiffany could hear the old woman cry, "Somebody stop her."

But Tiffany knew even the bravest of the men wouldn't follow her, and even if they did they won't be able to overcome Dodrio in speed.

Before she knew she was facing the empty checkpoint before Route Sixty-five. She ignored the townsfolk who shouted her to stop when they noticed that she was heading in that direction.

She crossed the point, there lying on the road were broken pieces of white-painted wood. They were used as a barricade to stop people from entering the cursed road. She immediately recognized the Pokémon responsible for it, Carlos's Tauros.

The Dodrio sprinted across the road. Although the place was haunted the road was well built at least to an extent. To which extent? The answer depends on how long the construction team progressed in the ever-standing fog and managed to survive.

The fog thickened as Tiffany moved forward on her Dodrio. She could barely see anymore. Her heart raced at the fact that she was the only one going along this road. She wanted to reconsider her decision and turn back but how could she go back when Carlos went by the same route? If Carlos were truly killed by something, she should at least find his dead body. This means she can move further.

The Dodrio got slower as its line of vision got thinner and thinner until it finally stopped. That is when Tiffany noticed that they were at least twelve kilometers deep inside. The thick blanket of fog frightened her, she felt like someone was going to suddenly appear and grab her. The wind didn't help the environment either; she got down and started walking alongside the Dodrio afraid that something might attack her suddenly if she were mounted on it.

Clutching onto one of the Pokémon's three heads she walked slowly watching each of her step. Then suddenly she felt a solid object obstructing her leg. She slowly brushed the object with her shoe, the object was rugged. She sighed in relief as she realized it was just a boulder.

Suddenly, she felt something on her head, it felt like the wind for some time, then it felt like someone was brushing her hair. It was a hand!

The hand's presence sent down a chill down her spine. She didn't dare to look back. If there were a ghost behind her she would prefer dying without seeing it. She looked at her Dodrio, the Pokémon understanding the frightened expression on her trainer's face looked back.

But instead of a hostile growl the Pokémon yapped happily.

'Huh?' She was surprised by Dodrio's behavior and turned slowly. Standing before her was a young boy of the same age as her. He wore a red jacket. She barely recognized his blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Oh Carlos!" She groaned. She placed her hands on her chest as if to slow down her pounding heart. "You really scared me there." She jumped forward to punch him on his face. The boy dodged her immediately.

"Whoa, Whoa wait Tiffany!" He gestured her to stop. He slowly backed away from her. Although she didn't realize it, Carlos looked at her as if he just saw a ghost. His face was slightly petrified.

"Carlos, I am not a ghost." She said noticing his expression, "See I am as opaque as you are." She stretched her arms as proof.

"Ghosts need not be transparent, you know." He chuckled.

Tiffany's face suddenly turned serious, "Anyway what the heck are you doing here? You of all have come to this stupid place. Look how spooky it is."

"I believed in ghosts but I never was scared." He said, "Here look at this guy." He pointed at something in the air. Suddenly out of thin air or thick fog in this case a purplish gas appeared. The gas slowly took a humanoid shape revealing two red colored eyes. The gas-creature was about the same size as a three year old.

"What the heck!" Tiffany gasped, by the sudden surprise.

"This is the Ghost-type Pokémon Gengar," He said.

"What is it doing with you?" She asked terrified of the Pokémon's eerie presence and its menacing laugh which the Pokémon thought was a warm smile.

"Well put that aside, Tiffany." He said as his face suddenly turned serious. "There is something more important."

"What is it?" She asked.

"Gengar let's take her with us." The Pokémon nodded.

"I am sorry Tiffa but can you look at Gengar for a second."

"Why?" She turned to the Pokémon which had a wide grin on its face. The next instant Tiffany felt the Ghost-type's eyes slowly attracting hers. Within a second she started feeling dizzy, and then she blacked out.

After what it seemed like a second to her, Tiffany slowly opened her eyes. Standing before her eyes was Carlos Johnson, the boy she truly loved and trusted.

"What did you do to me?" She said still groggy.

"Nothing to worry about. "He assured her. "But take a look at that."

The girl noticed that they were on the top of a small hill. She looked down from the top; there was a small valley down there. At first she couldn't believe her own eyes. But then after blinking her eyes like a hundred times she understood that it was true.

Deep down the valley which should have been empty were two to three huge machines along with large trucks that were loaded with some kind of crystal.

"They are stones that evolve Pokémon like Eevee into Vaporeon, Jolteon or Flareon." He said.

"Wait who are those people?" She muttered.

As if to answer her question she heard a couple of footsteps approached them. She suddenly turned back. A man in a black dress was looking at them, the symbol R was etched into his shirt. "Who's there?" He shouted while he straightly looked at them.

Tiffany slowly opened her mouth to say something when Carlos suddenly closed her mouth. The Team Rocket grunt scratched his head and walked back.

"Why didn't he see us, weren't we right before him?" She asked him.

"The fog worked to our luck, I guess." He muttered under his breath.

Tiffany reluctantly nodded at his explanation.

"You have seen it right?" He said.

"I noticed few people were suspiciously moving along Route Sixty-Six to the hills."

"So the rumors of this road being haunted…" She said.

"Those were just rumors made by these fiends." He completed for her. "So that they could use this place for their selfish purposes."

"But those missing people…"

"These people would go to any extent to make those rumors true and put their discoveries a secret."

"Ironically the concrete road ends exactly where their mining site is." He added. "Now do you understand what that means?"

"Tiffany, I need you to go back and inform the people in our town. Tell them to inform the police and attack from the river side." He lowered his head and said in a low voice. "They could even find some solid evidence if they are in time."

"Why only me?" She asked, "You should come too, Carlos." She said.

"No," He said with a determined face, "I'll try to stop them in case they try to run away."

"Carlos, it's dangerous." She was beginning to cry without her knowledge.

"Tiffany I am a man, and I should do it." He placed his arms on her shoulders. He pulled her towards him; she suddenly felt her lips meeting his and then went deep down to his tongue.

They stood in that position for what seemed like an eternity for her, "I love you." He said as they proceeded to kiss again. "Now go."

"Carlos that's…" She was cut down by him, he gestured the ghost Pokémon something.

The next moment Tiffany found herself back in the place where she first met Carlos.

She didn't know what happened but she thought Gengar used some kind of teleportation technique on her.

She immediately mounted her Dodrio and charged towards the town.

After reaching the town she gathered the townsmen immediately. She informed them of Carlos's plan.

Hours later they received the good news that the Police combing operation went well and they captured many of the Rocket grunts and some top executives. That evening a formal gathering was held at the town.

"The town has been fooled by these people called Team Rocket for ten years." The town president gave his speech, "They have used the natural fog as an advantage and plundered the treasures. The even killed many brave and innocent young men." He paused briefly to take a breath.

Meanwhile Tiffany looked around the crowd gathered wondering where Carlos might be. If he had successfully led the police to Team Rocket then he must be with rescue group.

"But today two brave young children of our town found out the ones behind these horrendous crimes and captured them."

'Where could he be?' Her eyes searched for the blonde, she then thought it would be appropriate to ask the inspector.

"Inspector…" She approached him. The man in blue uniform turned towards her. "Where is Carlos…?" She stopped suddenly.

"Unfortunately one of them has lost their life in the process." The president said in a sorrowful tone. "Carlos Johnson died in the process of exposing these fiends."

Tiffany froze that instant, she couldn't understand what was going on. Carlos died?

Carlos died?

Carlos died?

The news boomed like an explosion in her mind. Unable to put energy into her legs she fell down on her knees.

"Tiffany." The cop approached the girl in an attempt to soother her. The people around gathered around the girl wondering what happened to her.

She covered her ears with her hands, "I-It's my fault." Her voice shook as she spoke. "It's my fault." She repeated again.

Her grandmother came to the scene pushing the people gathered around, she immediately threw her stick and hugged the girl lying on the ground, petrified. "How can it be your fault, dear?" She patted her.

"You have done all you can, Ms. Tiffany." The inspector spoke. The girl teary-eyed looked at the inspector.

"I shouldn't have left him there." She said crying.

"What do you mean dear?" The old woman hugged the crying girl again.

"The boy's dead body was found in route seventy-two by the river which flows from Route sixty-five." The inspector said, "He was dead four hours before you even ran for his help. What could have you done?"

Four hours before?

"Yes, I called Tiffany after my dad said Carlos went in that direction." The little girl called Rita said. "My dad said it was an hour after he left."

Carlos died four hours before they met? The doubt flashed across the girl's mind. Then it occurred to her. The Gengar, the boy's astonishment when she saw him….it all started to get into her mind slowly. Mixed emotions of fear, sorrow engulfed her. Her grandmother clutched onto her as the girl broke down into tears.

A question to you smart people. If Carlos was truly what you think he is how could he kiss Tiffany?

Hint: The Rocket Grunt.

Let's see how smart you are!
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  #2    
Old May 13th, 2012 (11:56 PM).
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Pikachukid Pikachukid is offline
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To answer your question "Ghosts need not be transparent, you know." He chuckled.
Nice story I was kinda already at the conclusion super early on in the story though, i suppose there was too much foreshadowing on that end if you were trying to make the ending surprising. Other than that the only other thing I noted was "The boy's dead body was found in route seventy-two by the river which flows from Route sixty-five." it sounds weird to me, i would change it to something more like "the boy's dead body was found in route seventy-two, downstream the river from route sixty-five" just cause it sounds a lot more clean and less cluttered.
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Old May 14th, 2012 (06:02 AM).
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dracoflare dracoflare is offline
 
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Ah thanks! Actually not the answer I was hoping for....but there was one mistake in my story. Not explaining that Tiffany seeing Carlos's ***** was an exceptional case. Normally ghosts couldn't be seen by humans...which is why the rocket grunt couldn't see them.(You see Gengar removed her spirit from her body which she 'thought' was teleportation. I mean if the Team Rocket successfully stopped police from entering, a girl entering and leaving without notice would be silly right?) What Carlos said in the sentence you bolded plus him saying to Tifanny that the rocket grunt couldn't watch him were lies...well the main character need not say the truth every time eh?


Also.HOLY CRAP I shouldn't have overdone the foreshadowing....
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  #4    
Old May 20th, 2012 (05:16 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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It's an interesting story, although I will agree that it seemed to be hinted at a bit too much earlier in the story, but more so one of my qualms was that it felt a bit rushed at the end. It seemed to be building nicely to a climax when they showed that Team Rocket members were up to no good and she had to go back and warn the townfolk, but then only a few lines later it had been resolved. Some expansion around there showing how Tiffany felt have helped, I feel.

You had some nice description, particularly in the early parts of the story, and the character interactions were decent too - I'd just suggest trying to show more of the protagonists thoughts and conveying those emotions through, or rather try to engage the reader more through that.


Quote:
She took the Pokeball put on the table and rushed to the main door.
Sometimes sentences seem to have some details that seem unnecessary - for instance here the wording of the fact the Pokeball was put on the table sounds odd.
Quote:
She stopped immediately avoiding tripping against the stick. Holding the stick with her right hand was a short old woman, "And where do you think you are going?"
The first sentence here also sounds a bit awkward, and could use some rewording. Reading out aloud I find helps with checking if something sounds right or not.

I also feel it'd be better to have a full stop after 'woman' there.
Quote:
"I am just going to Rita's." She lied.
Sometimes 'she lied' can work as a sentence by itself, but here it flows on from the dialogue - it tells us who said it and also how it was said (lied). Hence you should treat the whole line there as one sentence rather than two, and make 'She' to she, and the full stop to a comma. Ie:
Quote:
"I am just going to Rita's," she lied.
It's fine to end dialogue with say an exclamation mark or question mark if the sentence continues after the dialogue; just not with full stops. So for instance:
Quote:
"Is he foolish?" The old woman yelled.
'The' should be 'the' (as you wouldn't have a capital in the middle Of a sentence, like so).
If you want me to explain more about that I can - just ask.
Quote:
Indeed. What the heck was he thinking? Tiffany wondered.
Presentation thing but I find that putting thoughts in italics or 'thoughts here' or something makes it clearer to the reader straightaway that they are thinking that part.
Quote:
The route has been abandoned by the people of Kanto for ages, even the bravest trainers walk away not just because of fear but because of the deep fog in which it was not safe to travel at all.
Watch out for run-on sentences - I'd suggest splitting it up around '...for ages/even the bravest...' into two sentences. Also watch your tenses - previously you had past (lied, wondered) and here present (walk away rather than walked).
Quote:
The next day the Rapidash returned back alone with its trainer missing, the flames on the Pokémon died out as soon as it reached the village.
Same here with the run-on sentence. Ideally only use a comma to split up adjectives, a list, pauses in dialogue or before one of the fanboys - for and nor but or yet so. (There are other cases but those are the usual ones). Here it doesn't work in joining the two parts of the sentence here; the pause comes off as odd (again, reading aloud should help in showing that). Try a new sentence and/or some rewording instead.
Quote:
The Dodrio got slower as its line of vision got thinner and thinner until it finally stopped. That is when Tiffany noticed that they were at least twelve kilometers deep inside. The thick blanket of fog frightened her, she felt like someone was going to suddenly appear and grab her.
The last sentence also has an oddly-used comma there. I also feel that mentioning twelve kilometers is rather arbitrary and question why that's mentioned, as well as how she knew that fact to begin with.

In general, it's a nice story. I'd suggest paying more attention to what facts you include though; try to avoid unnecessary details and watch for how you word some sentences too, so to improve the execution of it.


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Old May 20th, 2012 (09:00 PM).
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dracoflare dracoflare is offline
 
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Quote originally posted by bobandbill:
It's an interesting story, although I will agree that it seemed to be hinted at a bit too much earlier in the story, but more so one of my qualms was that it felt a bit rushed at the end. It seemed to be building nicely to a climax when they showed that Team Rocket members were up to no good and she had to go back and warn the townfolk, but then only a few lines later it had been resolved. Some expansion around there showing how Tiffany felt have helped, I feel.

You had some nice description, particularly in the early parts of the story, and the character interactions were decent too - I'd just suggest trying to show more of the protagonists thoughts and conveying those emotions through, or rather try to engage the reader more through that.


Sometimes sentences seem to have some details that seem unnecessary - for instance here the wording of the fact the Pokeball was put on the table sounds odd.
The first sentence here also sounds a bit awkward, and could use some rewording. Reading out aloud I find helps with checking if something sounds right or not.

I also feel it'd be better to have a full stop after 'woman' there.
Sometimes 'she lied' can work as a sentence by itself, but here it flows on from the dialogue - it tells us who said it and also how it was said (lied). Hence you should treat the whole line there as one sentence rather than two, and make 'She' to she, and the full stop to a comma. Ie:
It's fine to end dialogue with say an exclamation mark or question mark if the sentence continues after the dialogue; just not with full stops. So for instance:
'The' should be 'the' (as you wouldn't have a capital in the middle Of a sentence, like so).
If you want me to explain more about that I can - just ask.
Presentation thing but I find that putting thoughts in italics or 'thoughts here' or something makes it clearer to the reader straightaway that they are thinking that part.
Watch out for run-on sentences - I'd suggest splitting it up around '...for ages/even the bravest...' into two sentences. Also watch your tenses - previously you had past (lied, wondered) and here present (walk away rather than walked).
Same here with the run-on sentence. Ideally only use a comma to split up adjectives, a list, pauses in dialogue or before one of the fanboys - for and nor but or yet so. (There are other cases but those are the usual ones). Here it doesn't work in joining the two parts of the sentence here; the pause comes off as odd (again, reading aloud should help in showing that). Try a new sentence and/or some rewording instead.
The last sentence also has an oddly-used comma there. I also feel that mentioning twelve kilometers is rather arbitrary and question why that's mentioned, as well as how she knew that fact to begin with.

In general, it's a nice story. I'd suggest paying more attention to what facts you include though; try to avoid unnecessary details and watch for how you word some sentences too, so to improve the execution of it.


Thanks for the review. I thought you might have forgotten about it already :p

I think I should re-work on my basic grammar, at least in the case of the sentences with quotation marks...I think I have the wrong idea about them. (blame my English teacher!)

Oh and about the awkward( and according to psyanic, funny sentences :o) sentences.I seem to do that a lot, maybe I am processing too much in my brain and the result is well, awkward. I will follow your advice and read it aloud, hopefully. I really don't want sentences that sound awkward crawling in my stories!

All the other grammar related suggestions have been duly noted.

And I think when I am proof reading my stories, I should looking it from a reader's angle, easy to say but kinda hard.

Thanks, again!
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  #6    
Old May 20th, 2012 (11:10 PM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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Quote:
Thanks for the review. I thought you might have forgotten about it already :p
More just busy with life stuff, really. =p
Quote:
And I think when I am proof reading my stories, I should looking it from a reader's angle, easy to say but kinda hard.
Quote:
I think I should re-work on my basic grammar, at least in the case of the sentences with quotation marks...I think I have the wrong idea about them. (blame my English teacher!)
On that note if you're ever unsure on something, there's a bunch of links to grammar guides and so forth in the Writing Resources thread sticky in the writer's lounge (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=222652).
Quote:
And I think when I am proof reading my stories, I should looking it from a reader's angle, easy to say but kinda hard.
One good technique is to leave it for a day or few after you finished writing and only then look at it for editing. That was you read it with a fresher mind and without potential bias or missing stuff that you just wrote.
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