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  #1    
Old May 15th, 2012 (03:36 PM). Edited May 15th, 2012 by MoonCrow.
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MoonCrow MoonCrow is offline
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Lisbon, Portugal
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Nature: Gentle
Posts: 8
Hello pokepals!
This is a fanfic that I'm currently working on and I really want you to check it out! I've posted it in portuguese foruns, so I had to translate the story to english for you guys to read. I know my english isn't the best, but I've done the best I could to translate this. Please pardon me if there are some basic/majors ortographic and gramatical errors... It's not easy to write anything that's not your mother tongue.

I've posted only the intro for this chapter, because it's kinda long and I want you to enjoy of the suspense thing. So, enough of talking...

Crestfield [Book One]

The strange cases


Chapter One
A Tale of Nine - Part I

"Well, sirs, you've been talking for some time of men being bewitched by foxes; surely you must be under their influence yourselves, to say such things. How on earth can foxes have such power over men?"

Tales of Old Japan, Algernon Bertram Freeman-Mitford


Hey, I’m Luca! How are you doing?
I’m 20 and I live in Crestfield since my fifteen. I’m currently taking a course in Design and I like to read, listen to music and be with my friends. Oh, and I love photography!
I’ve found this place after a friend of mine said it was a good dating site, so... Here I am!
I really want to meet someone that makes me happy, married or not. I’m joking, obviously! I just wish to meet that person, you know?... Someone who can make me laugh and make me feel great.
Please, reply this message or call my number (which is at the end of this page!) if you’re that person. Maybe we could meet one of these days...

Xoxo,
luca19


When the girl finished reading, she turned off the laptop and lowered the screen. A timid smile appeared on one of her skinny mouth’s corner; she was satisfied with that message. She quickly headed to the pink dresser, beside the door, and look through one of the drawers until she found a tiny and scribbled piece of paper. After unfolding it with maximum carefulness, she stared at the clumsy and crooked letters, probably written by a kid. Below them, two tilted squares where drawn with slanted lines, improvising a multiple choice. One could read:

"Will you stay with me forever? (Make a cross on the right square...)

P.S: Return me this paper with your answer at the end of the class, okay?..."

- Miriam. – Her father was leaning on the doorframe, watching. His voice startled her and she awkwardly folded the paper again and hided it in her back pocket. – I’ve called you already three times for dinner. – She didn’t listen. She was too immersed in her thoughts and in that note to hear even the loudest noise. – You’d better get going or the food will cool.

Miriam nodded and when her father turned back and closed the door, she quickly headed towards the dresser and returned the paper to its original position: under the winter wear that she didn’t liked anymore. Therefore, nobody would found it.
Her heart was beating fast and the adrenaline rushed through her skinny body. This was definitely it! The day she would put an end to that mess! But that could only happen after dinner...

However that would never happen. Right when she was about to leave the table and run towards her bedroom, a loud clang, like a thunder bursting through the night sky and hitting the trash can outside, left them with dread.

- Those kids!! – Her father rose up quickly, like if he was sitting on a spring that uncoiled and launched him into the air. It was the fourth time that week that the trash can was bowled over by someone. As a matter of fact, they didn’t catch anyone throwing down the metallic container, but her father supposed that were those kids from the high school that did it. – Get inside, dear. I’m going to check out the neighbourhood and see if I can catch those vandals!

Miriam didn’t have much choice but obey. She sneaked in into the house, like an animal returning to its den, and ran throughout the corridor towards the bedroom. Right when she passed the cold living room, still with the dishware on the table, the wooden striking clock gave a short and loud struck, frightening her. It was nine o’clock, by the time, and she still had time!
The old clock struck again, gravelly, as Miriam opened the door and entered her bedroom. The third struck was more heavy and echoed down the corridor, knocking on the door Miriam just had closed. She sat on the bed, the pink quilt covering it, and turned on the television. But when she pressed the on button, the electricity failed, causing a blackout. The house was then swallowed by the night’s voracious desire, leaving nothing but subtle contours of the objects in Miriam’s room.
The next three strucks were somber and grim, chilling the girl throughout her tiny and weak body, vulnerable to everything but softness. She stood up quickly and tried to reach the electrical switchboard, but when she make a move, she stumble over her backpack and fell on her knees, onto the blue rug near the bed. Why did she forget to tidy up the room? In the dark, she couldn’t see more than a few contours, so she groped for the electrical switchboard and started pushing every button her fingers encountered, until one of them work.
The clock snored one more time, strucking for the seventh time, while the girl groped at the wall, expecting not to stumble again, until she returned to her pink bedroom. When she got there, two tiny and vibrant purple lights were on, right on the place where she stumbled over her backpack.
The eighth struck echoed and the lights sparkled and ascended through the air, in front of Miriam, at the same time that her father’s voice was dragged by the cold wind outside. The window was open and Miriam could hear him yelling at the kids. Suddenly the floor started creaking rhythmically and, as the lights got bigger and the purpleness got closer, the girl’s eyes opened wide when she realized that those were not two lights. Then it happened...
The power came back and Miriam, blinded by the promptly return of the lights, screamed in horror, while she tried to get loose from that animal’s deadly grip. The claws of the beast against the flesh of the girl, penetrating deeply and letting blood come out of her body. Her dead body...
Only when her father encountered her body lying on the floor, covered in blood, the clock struck for the ninth and last time, carrying away Miriam’s soul and hiding the proud gasp of some niveous animal, covered by the night’s heavy complicity.

End of Part I
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  #2    
Old May 27th, 2012 (04:38 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
I'M AN ANGRY SCIENTIST!!
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It's fairly well written for a story in your second language, I have to say. The story had a nice atmosphere to it, particularly during the blackout and clock chimes, and a natural change in that atmosphere too from the beginning to the end. The dynamics between her and her father were interesting as well, I felt. I quite enjoyed this. There were a few mistakes here and there but it's fairly solid nonetheless, and the ending was quite intriguing to boot.
Quote:
Hey, I’m Luca! How are you doing?
I live on the second floor~
Quote:
A timid smile appeared on one of her skinny mouth’s corner;
This part sounded a bit off. Maybe 'corners' at the least, but something like, say 'A timid smiled appeared in a corner of her skinny mouth' works better.
Quote:
- Miriam. – Her father was leaning on the doorframe, watching. His voice startled her and she awkwardly folded the paper again and hided it in her back pocket. – I’ve called you already three times for dinner. – She didn’t listen. She was too immersed in her thoughts and in that note to hear even the loudest noise. – You’d better get going or the food will cool.
I'm not sure if this method of dialogue was purposeful or the convention for your country, but normally rather than - Hello. -, it's "Hello." - using "" for the quotation marks and without any spacing between them and the actual dialogue. Besides that it seems that the rest is done correctly for English based on what is there.
Quote:
Miriam nodded and when her father turned back and closed the door, she quickly headed towards the dresser and returned the paper to its original position: under the winter wear that she didn’t liked anymore. Therefore, nobody would found it.
rather than liked it should be like, and find over found. It's correct to be using past tense in general as the rest of the writing is also in that tense, but not so in these cases of using those words. I would also be inclined to have the last sentence reworded slightly (such as just removing 'Therefore,' as it seems unnecessary in this case).
Quote:
Miriam didn’t have much choice but obey.
'but to obey', I suggest.
Quote:
She stood up quickly and tried to reach the electrical switchboard, but when she make a move, she stumble over her backpack and fell on her knees, onto the blue rug near the bed.
Here, made and stumbled over those two bolded words respectively. I also question the mention of the blue rug - is it important to mention that colour, particularly when the lights have gone out?

Overall it was an intriguing start, so I hope you'll end up posting more. Good luck with your story at any rate! =)
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