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  #1    
Old June 6th, 2012, 04:31 AM
TheHandle's Avatar
TheHandle
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Join Date: May 2012
Gender: Male
Introduction:

This particular story is told in first person and contains familiar characters from the Pokemon series. This was a story I originally wrote a long time ago.
Follow the adventure of character named Derrick as he travels through land.
In this post I will right the prologue, then maybe later I'll write the first chapter

Prologue:

I was returning to my New Orleans home after a great vacation. Sitting one row over was my rival Adam who is real jerk.
He had short blond, a skin tone that was several shades lighter then his brown eyes.
He wore blue jeans and a red shirt with brown boots on his feet.

As I sat there, I heard on of the flight attendance say "Attention all passengers, we will be landing in New Orleans shortly. All portable electronic devices must be turned off and put away at this time. Also make sure your trays are in the upright and lock position.

Every did as they were told when suddenly the plane lurched forward and turbulence became extremely bumpy, and alarm sounded as our surroundings turned red!

The captain then said "Attention all passengers and personnel, we are caught in gravitational field. We have tried to resist it, but every time we do, it tries to tare our plane apart we are going to let it take us."

After a short period of time things settled down.
The co captain then said "We are safe, but we've entered a strange world, there doesn't seem to be an airport anywhere, but we found a place that appears to be smooth enough to land on, so stay calm."

Shortly after the co captain spoke I heard the landing gear. Then plane landed which was a very smooth landing. When the plane came to a complete stop, the two flight attendance stood next to the main exit.

The captain's voice came over intercom.
"If you would like to look around, that's fine, but keep in mind, this is a foreign and there is no telling when we will be able to return to our world."

I watched as Adam left, I soon followed after him. When I exited the plane, I headed north, but then I bumped into a mean look monster as tall as. The looked like a dragon minus the scales. It looked more like a dragon lizard hybrid creature with blue and sharp teeth and teeth. It's wings were blue and it's tale and continues flame burning on it.

It let out a loud roar and prepared to attack me!
"Don't hurt me!" I cried out.
Then I saw a large creature like creature with a beard and brown hair. On it's it appeared to have wings.

Then it spoke to me.
"I got this, I'll handle this beast."
The creatures fought each other, but in the end the cat like creature defeated the lizard like creature.

I approached the creature that victorious.
"Thanks for your help," I said to it
"No problem."
"What was that creature that tried to attack me?" I asked.
"That was a charizard which is a type of pokemon, I am one too, this world has many" it replied.
"Pokemon you say, I've heard the name before, I thought they only spoke a language of their name or roars, screeches etc. How come you can speak human?"
"I've been studying humans for awhile and have learned to speak there language,"

"I see, what is your name?"
"I am Entei, my element is fire, I've been chosen to be your pokemon um, Derrick is it?"
Derricks eyes lit up with shock "How did you know my name?" I asked.
"I am a legendary pokemon, also, professor oak of Morgan Town to meet you here, so come with me, you need to speak with him."
"Alright lead the way," I said.
So, Entei headed to the nearest town
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  #2    
Old June 13th, 2012, 06:10 AM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
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Tbh the story feels rather rushed; there's a number of simple errors that a spell/gramma check would have picked up (not to mention a proper proofread) and the story itself moves way too fast.

A few points I'll just mention; how do people feel and react? A lot of the events are just told to us rather than shown and hence it isn't as interesting to read compared to how it could have been. For instance... what makes Adam a jerk? You tell us he is one, but he doesn't do anything in the story so far to support this statement. It just seems that he is another kid with some boring clothing. Another example: how did everyone in the plane feel about the strange events of the plane and landing in a different world? How do they know they entered a strange world, and what does it look like? Why is prof oak in a strange different town to his hometown, and also what happned to the crew once the protagonist when he went out of the plane?

Things like Entei knowing the kid's name and being his Pokemon to use comes off as quite unlikely too. You'd want to consider such things when telling a story to tie up lose ends as if you just tell us these events then it's hard to believe them.

As for instances of mistakes:
Quote:
I was returning to my New Orleans home after a great vacation. Sitting one row over was my rival Adam who is real jerk.

He had short blond, a skin tone that was several shades lighter then his brown eyes.
He wore blue jeans and a red shirt with brown boots on his feet.
"who was 'a' real jerk", than instead of then, and the comma after 'blond' doesn't fit and it seems a word of few is missing (short blond...?). Also, notice how the description there is listy. We get a lot of infomation that isn't terribly important in one block without learning anything about the character. Try to spread out the description and mix it with events to both convey more information and show us details in an interesting manner without bluntly telling us. For instance, if you say wanted to show he is greedy, you could write how he stuffed some snacks from the kid sitting in front of him into his blue jeans. In one go you tell us his clothing choice there, as well as show us he is greedy and not above stealing food from others. This is also more engaging than 'he wore blue jeans'.
Quote:
As I sat there, I heard on of the flight attendance say "Attention all passengers, we will be landing in New Orleans shortly. All portable electronic devices must be turned off and put away at this time. Also make sure your trays are in the upright and lock position.
one rather than on, and you're missing a quotation mark at the end.
Quote:
It's wings were blue and it's tale and continues flame burning on it.
it's means it is, while its is possessive and what you want here. Also, tail rather than tale, and the sentence is confusing to read; again it seems some words are missing (around '...its tail and continues flame burning...' more specifically).

There's more than that but as said it shouldn't be hard to pick up upon then with a spell/grammar checker and a proofread. You could also consider getting a Beta reader from the writer's lounge. The story itself does have potential mind; it's an interesting premise and way to have a kid put into the Pokemon world like that. It just needs some work in execution, both with the mistakes that distract from the story and the description of events and how people act and react to events.

Good luck with the rest of your story!
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