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  #1    
Old June 15th, 2012, 10:51 PM
SevenShirokami's Avatar
SevenShirokami
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The Spirit of Pokemon, by SevenShirokami. Please, bear with me on this one. Its an idea I've had for a while now, hehheh


Prologue

Pokemon...people...legends say we were once similar beings. The two used to be able to connect souls. Attacks became more powerful, and the person felt the Pokemon's pain.

Now it is rare to find people who still have this ability. Pokemon are gradually becoming nothing more than tools used by lazy, violent people who can't fight their own battles. Whatever happened to the kind and understanding relationship of old?

Does anyone understand a Pokemon's pain anymore?

My back arched in pain. Dozens of cuts appeared on my skin from the leaves flying at the Pikachu in front of me, our pain shared equally.

The light becomes glaringly bright, and it's impossible to see.

Am...am I dreaming, or is this real?


EDIT:: fixed a few things. Thanks for the advice!
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Last edited by SevenShirokami; June 24th, 2012 at 04:49 PM.
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  #2    
Old June 17th, 2012, 09:54 AM
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psyanic
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First off, I think you should watch the whole 'size' thing since this forum uses numbers for sizes (ranging from 1 to 7) and not letters. So yeah, you probably need to adjust your post to fix that, as well as fixing that for future posts.

Also, the formatting should be spaced out with an extra space between paragraphs, just as I'm typing out this review. Press enter twice every time you finish writing a paragraph. It's easier to read.

And here are a few nitpicks:

Quote:
Originally Posted by SevenShirokami View Post
Pokemon....people.....legends say we were once similar.
Ellipses are three periods (...) and not four, or five for that matter. Also, I don't think the first ellipse is exactly necessary. The sentence might flow better if you used 'and' instead of '...' In addition, similar doesn't seem to be quite the right word you're looking for, because later on you say that people and Pokemon connected souls, so that leads me to believe they were practically identical in a way. I just don't think similar describes it well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SevenShirokami View Post
The two groups used to be able to connect souls.
You don't need to say 'groups' here because the readers already know which groups you are referring to, so 'two' would suffice as the subject.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SevenShirokami View Post
Attacks became more powerful, and the person felt the Pokemon's pain.
I believe the verb you want to use here is 'were' because it's referring to the attacks in the past tense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SevenShirokami View Post
Pokemon are gradually becoming nothing more than tools used by lazy people and violent people who can't fight their own battles.
Nice little description. It really shows the narrator almost hating humans. Kind of like N would think, except maybe not so insulting. But, the bolded bit of text is a tad too wordy, since you could condense it to less words. 'Lazy, violent people' is one possibility you could use. The point is that you don't need to say people twice, because it's the same subject. Say people once, otherwise it gets a bit repetitive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SevenShirokami View Post
Dozens of cuts appeared on my skin from the leaves flying at the Pikachu in front of me.
This part confused me a bit, partially because it's said that the leaves were flying at the Pikachu, yet still cut the narrator. I can't understand that, so I believe some clarification is needed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SevenShirokami View Post
Am...am I dreaming, or is this really real?
Really real sounds a bit repetitive because they almost mean the same thing in this sentence. Like you wouldn't say 'hot fire' because everyone knows fire is hot. So here, you should take out the 'really.'

The narration can be a bit confusing, especially towards the end. There are the narrator's thoughts written out, and it helps give the readers a background of what the story might be about, but then it jumps to what it seems to be a battle. And that's when it got a bit confusing. It's a rather big jump and almost seems out of place, so I think you should have another paragraph or so to help readers with the transition from the narrator's view of the past to the battle, which is probably the present.

I liked the idea behind Pokemon and people connecting, and I'd like to read more about it. If trainers got hurt every time their Pokemon did, that would drastically change how they would battle. So I suppose I'll have to follow this story.
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  #3    
Old June 24th, 2012, 04:54 PM
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SevenShirokami
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Thank you very much for the advice!
My only comment on your advice is the ellipses. I fixed it so there are only three, but I wanted the first set between "people" and "pokemon" as a pause to kind of emphasize that they are separate from people.
But maybe that's only how I interpret it haha.

Anyway, I really appreciate your advice, and will do my best to please you! I hope you keep reading!
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Last edited by SevenShirokami; June 24th, 2012 at 10:36 PM.
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  #4    
Old June 24th, 2012, 09:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SevenShirokami View Post
[SIZE="a"]Anyway, I really appreciate your advice, and will do my best to please you! I hope you keep reading!
No. Don't write a story just to please somebody. Write a story because YOU want to. Never change your ideas just because somebody didn't like it either. Stay true to yourself and people will eventually get to your story if they like it.

That's the best advice I can give you.
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  #5    
Old June 24th, 2012, 10:29 PM
SevenShirokami's Avatar
SevenShirokami
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[SIZE="a"]
Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
No. Don't write a story just to please somebody. Write a story because YOU want to. Never change your ideas just because somebody didn't like it either. Stay true to yourself and people will eventually get to your story if they like it.

That's the best advice I can give you.
I started the story because I wanted to. I won't give up on the story because I wabt to write it. I hope it pleases people because I want it to ve entertaining and interesting.

While I appreciate your advice, I'm afraid that it has nothing to do with minor mistakes in the prologue of the story, so I cannot follow it. The things in the prologue that I changed were grammar and word choice. I would never change an entire idea because of something that someone said to me.[/SIZE]
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  #6    
Old June 25th, 2012, 08:26 AM
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Quote:
While I appreciate your advice, I'm afraid that it has nothing to do with minor mistakes in the prologue of the story, so I cannot follow it.


Right, I wasn't talking about the mistakes that Psyanic covered. I was a little worried that you wanted to write just to please people, which is bad. Of course we all want people to like our stories. Don't let it be the only reason you write. You can't please everybody and if you try it always ends up bad.
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  #7    
Old June 25th, 2012, 08:51 AM
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SevenShirokami
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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[SIZE="a"]Just because I want people to enjoy it doesn't mean im only writing to please people. I would never be thar stupid.[/SIZE]
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