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Old June 25th, 2012 (11:30 PM). Edited June 26th, 2012 by Lugia_Da_Boss.
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Lugia_Da_Boss Lugia_Da_Boss is offline
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As you walk through Canalave library in Sinnoh, you see an interesting looking book. It is called, "The Story of Team Meta". You decide to read it.


One day, in a science lab in Sinnoh, a renowned scientist was researching how the world was made. After many years, he came to the conclusion that the Sinnoh creation legend was right. In case you don't know the legend, it goes something like this: In the vastness of the empty universe, there was one egg. Out of this egg came Arceus, the God of Pokémon. Arceus created the Pokémon world as an empty planet, he also created Dialga, Palkia and Giratina around the same time. Dialga would control time, Palkia would control space and Giratina's purpose is unknown, he just lives in the Reverse World. Arceus then created Kyogre, Groudon and Rayquaza. Groudon created the continents and Kyogre created the oceans. The two fought over where to have land and where to have sea until Rayquaza stopped their fight and put them both into a never-ending slumber(though there are certain items that can be used to awaken them). After or during this, Arceus created many Mews. There were Mews that liked to fly in the skies, Mews that liked to swim in the oceans and Mews that lived on land. Over millions of years, these Mews evolved into the many different Pokémon we have today, there is only one known Mew left.

Anyway, the scientist(who from now on, will be called by his name, Sergio) then began thinking about how Pokémon and humans came to exist. According to the myth(which he now thought was fact), Mew evolved into all Pokémon and into humans. He began wondering that if humans evolved from Mew, they are actually Pokémon themselves and that humans are just as closely related to Pokémon as some species are to others. This made him think that it might be possible for humans to metamorphosize, to become stronger and smarter, just like Pokémon do. He looked at his body for a minute, thought about all it's imperfections and how it might be possible for him to metamorphosize and become perfect. He quit his job and began researching Pokémon metamorphosing(which most people strangely called evolution). After a couple of years of hard work, he finally found out how it worked and how he could make humans metamorphosize using a machine, but this machine would be very hard to make and would require lots of power just to metamorphosize one person. He thought that most people would reject his idea because of how most people seemed to be against machines changing the DNA of people and Pokémon because of how it apparently goes against nature. He also knew that to get enough energy to power the machine, he'd need to do some illegal things and since almost everyone in every region was righteous, he would never get the support of the public, the Pokémon League or any organisations. He decided to form a group called Team Meta, a group that would pretend to be a company that took care of Pokémon when the trainers couldn't, a day-care kind of thing. The reason why that was what he told the public who they were was because if he got any electric Pokémon, he could force them to generate electricity for the machine and over time, he'd have enough to power it.
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Old June 26th, 2012 (4:04 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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This could use a bit of work, tbh; as it stands this chapter is little more than an intro which seems to tell us a lot of facts rather than show us them. (On that note it doesn't feel like a chapter; prologue, perhaps). Some things are a bit odd too with the story - why did he know nobody would accept his idea/machine and why create Team Meta as a solution, for instance?

But my main complaint is that you're showing the reader that you're not very sure of your story yourself. In the first sentence for instance you have 'As you walk through Cancalave(sp?) library in Sinnoh' - it is easy enough to check google or even the game itself to get the spelling right there. You also included some author's notes during the story which isn't recommended (e.g. 'one on bulbapedia', or 'team meta for short'). A reader shouldn't have to check bulbapedia to understand the story, and stating or overexplaining such things tend to distract from the actual story; it's like you as the narrator are suddenly casually talking to the reader in the middle of the story telling, which reminds them it's just a story and distrupts the flow.

Although it has potential (people being a sort of Pokemon themselves is certainly an interesting concept to explore in a story), I would suggest spending a bit more time on the writing. Check up facts and expand on the writing; show us what happens rather than tell us it's on bulba.
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