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  #1    
Old July 1st, 2012 (08:13 AM). Edited July 2nd, 2012 by Drgons90.
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Drgons90 Drgons90 is offline
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Well, this is my first fic here, so it might not be perfect. Still I am hoping for many people to read it. Let's begin then.
Note: This fanfic is Rated PG(or whatever that is), it contains slightly offensive language. 

Chapter 1: Start of Journey

So, I am Marc, a simple guy living in Littleroot Town. Life here is quite boring, what is there even to do other than eating, sleeping or watching TV? I want something more fun and exciting, like going out to an adventure. Well, I always go with an adult whenever I cross Route 101 and 102 to see some Pokemon battles in Petalburg Gym. They are all awsome, especially the Leader! Sometimes he loses, but that's fine, for he enjoyed the battle too. I can remember when I was 5, it was my first time visiting and knowing about pokemon.

"What is a Bokemon?", I asked

"A pokemon. They are wonderful creatures that are almost like humans. They can be fed, make friends with, play with, or even battle with.", Norman replied.

But now, I am 12, and I think I can handle a journey with pokemon now. I was told that I can meet my first pokemon with Professor Birch, who lives exactly in the same town where I live, convenient! I told Mom about my plan to go to an adventure, and she told it to the Professor. For some reason, he had a look that seems like he's used to it, and he told me I can choose from 3 next week. I can't help but squeal like a girl with excitement. I almost can't sleep!

Next week, I arrived to Professor Birch's lab looking like a drunk man due to lack of sleep. Huh? Someone's in the lab that seems almost the same age as me. 

The professor greeted me and said, "Marc, you didn't sleep well, did you? This is Hans, from Rustboro City. It seems he wants to start a pokemon journey, just like you Marc. So the 2 of you will choose from these 3."

"Wait," I said impatiently, "what if we want the same pokemon?

"In that case, you choose first.", said that silent guy.

"Right."

I opened the first ball. A green frog thing.

And the professor gave me this info, "That's Treecko, the grass type pokemon. He is quite speedy, but burns easily with fire."

And the second ball... A cute warm chick.

"That is Torchic, the fire type pokemon. He is very strong and is averagely agile, but," he added, " is easily washed away with water."

I'm getting impatient. Why do they even have a weakness? The last one shouldn't have one.... It was a fish-like creature.

"That is Mudkip. He is very tough and hits hard, but lacks good speed. He is weak to grass."

And I searched for the grass. I went back to Treecko, which is weak to Torchic, which is weak to Mudkip, which is... What the? It's a cycle! I can't decide! The professor looks at me, smiling.

"Trying to choose the pokemon without weakness, eh?", telling me while trying to hide his laughs, "No one is perfect, not even pokemons. Just choose the one that you seem will be loyal and be friends with you."

I closed my eyes, did "eenie meenie minie mo".... And my hand landed at Mudkip. Mudkip was happy and excited, so I took it anyways.

"I'll choose Treecko. I don't want to get outsped by others.", Hans said.

And I replied hastily, "Hmph. Just admit that you choose it because Mudkip is weak to it." 

" Let's have a battle then.", he said seriously.

"We just got our pokemon.", I said, "why battle already?"

"Are you chickening out? Fine, I'll go ahead of you then.", and raised his voice to command, " Go Treecko! Punch Mudkip!"

And Treecko is standing there. 

"Hah! Disobedient pick!", I taunted, "Mudkip, kick Treecko!"

And Mudkip was standing. What's wrong? Are they sick?

The professor replied with a smiling face, "Hehehehe. Pokemon battle is not human battle. We use Moves. Like this. Torchic, use Scratch on both Treecko and Mudkip!"

Torchic moved around and scratched Mudkip then Treecko! I guess that's how we use moves then?

I thinked, then said, "Hmm any name of a move? Fine, Mudkip use 'Star Kick'."

Mudkip jumped up and down at me, trying to tell me that it is a wrong move.

"What?", I looked puzzled.

I started to babble about random moves that Mudkip doesn't understand me any more.

"Treecko, use Scratch.", Hans commanded.

No! Mudkip is hit, without me knowing a single move.

And I panicked, " Mudkip! Come on, can't you do anything witout my command?"

"Too late. Treecko, strike with Scratch again!", he ordered.

And there we go. Mudkip lost all his energy to fight.

"Well, well. Hans is quite ready, but Marc you aren't yet. Anyways since you 2 are here, perhaps I should give you a mission now while you are on your journey.", said the the professor, " Marc, last 2 years, when we visited Norman, he was using a Slakoth, Spinda, Linoone and Vigoroth right? Well now, he's found a strange partner for himself, named Lopunny. Seriously, I visited Sinnoh before, seen pokemons like that exclusive only to that region. But when I asked him if he ever visited Sinnoh, he replied me no. I don't think he'd lie to me, he just found it in the wild, just like every other normal pokemon."

"What's the problem then? I'd be worried if it was 10 pokemon.", I said.

"That's the problem Marc. It isn't just a single pokemon. I'm seeing some musical bug and a bug that gets some kind of dress depending on its surrounding! I've ordered Professor Rowan for some of his Pokedex, and a box of it arrived". The professor raised his voice, "So this is your mission. Find out why Sinnoh exclusive pokemons came here, and of course, complete the Pokedex..

"Excuse me, what exactly does a Pokedex do?", asked Hans.

"A Pokedex is an essential item to pokemon trainers. It shows a lot of datas for a pokemon, including its moves. That should solve your problem Marc. Also, when you encounter or catch a pokemon, the Pokedex records its data and saves it. So, I want you to explore Hoenn as much as possible, and solve the mystery. That will be all.", and Professor ended the discussion.

Hans left. I was about to leave when...

"Marc wait. Visit Oldale Town's pokemon center to heal Mudkip. The service is for free, and the Nurse is sweet there. She should provide you a good sleep too."

I thanked him, "Will do. Thanks for the tip, Professor!"

As I was going out, Mom was waiting for me by the door.

"Marc," my Mom yelled, "I forgot to give you something. Take this bag, it has all what you need. I'll miss you, good luck on your journey!"

"Same here Mom! Bye!", and I kissed her.

I reached Route 101. I was excited at what was in my bag, and I opened it. Handy stuff that I don't know how to use. But what intrigued me was the map. So I opened it, and it was really convenient. It didn't just contain Hoenn's map, it also has the map for every region. 

It is only some steps away from Oldale Town, and sooner than I expected, I am standing at the Pokemon Center. 

The nurse greeted me and said, "Hello! Please have you and your pokemon rest here, it is almost night now."

"Gladly. My dear Mudkip has been injured from a battle. Professor told me about how Pokemon Centers heal pokemon.", I explained as I searched my bag for Mudkip's pokeball.

"I'll take care of him. Meanwhile, why don't chat with other trainers here? It is a good way of knowing more about pokemons.", she added.

I tried her advice, and soon enough I am filled with lots of info. I didn't know pokemon battles have a lot of strategies with them, this makes my quest even harder. But I am determined. I shall solve the mystery of the Sinnoh-exclusive pokemons' appearance and gather datas about pokemons.

End 

Well I suppose I can start it off boring, I am not really the type who writes what I had in mind like last year ago.
Edit: Changed the style, is it any better?
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  #2    
Old July 1st, 2012 (08:40 AM).
docowocool docowocool is offline
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Well done! A high qualityfanfic. Start off boring? This isn't boring, this is a very well written opening! I am already drawn into the plot! Why is that Lopunny there though?

Mistakes wise, I didn't notice any!

Well done again, I shall certainly follow this story. Docowocool
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  #3    
Old July 1st, 2012 (12:35 PM). Edited July 1st, 2012 by DarkIceForever.
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First fan fic means a warm greeting from your pals here in the FF&W forum! Hello there! I love reading people's first fan fictions. They are usually not the best, but It's fun seeing how people start off. Some people, like me start off weak, while others make a lasting impression.

After reading your fiction I can say with complete confidence that this is a journey fic. Your fiction started off really cookie-cutter. That means that many new and inexperienced writers like to write off there own versions of the game, per se.

That means you started off with a trainer, gave him a rival, chose starter pokemon. The badnews is that these fictions are EVERYWHERE and let me emphasize that a little more. EVERWHERE! Well, that's not a bad thing, to some extent. It does mean that people do get tired of reading the same writing formula over and over again.

Trainer:
Rival:
Region:
Starter:

The good news is that you're a new writer so I can't take off points for that. Sometimes new writers aren't sure what's overused.

The next thing I want to talk to you about is the format. People on here aren't big fans on script writing. Well have you ever actually read a script before? It's really hard sometimes and down right confusing. I have three copies of some televison copy scripts that I got from my teacher as a gift. Some are eaiser to read than others. So if you like writing in script format I highly suggest you look at some scripts if you plan to write like that. I started writing in script format too. But in the end I would perfer to write it like a book.

Writing is a lot of hardwork and a lot of fun too. So don't get discouraged if a lot of people don't read your fictions. I will say that you're fiction is bad. I'm not trying to insult you. But if you compare your fiction to lets say fictions who have more views they're generally more well written than this. I did like how easy it was to read and understand. That's great too. But if you're serious about wanting more people to read your fictions I suggest you work harder at it.

Kudos and good luck.
- DarkIceForever (My ego is big) Nah j/k lmfao.
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  #4    
Old July 2nd, 2012 (08:35 AM).
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Drgons90 Drgons90 is offline
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Thanks for the comments. And I don't feel angry about my fic being called bad. That makes me try to cover up my mistakes in the future. Thanks for the feedback, DarkIce!

And Lopunny is just an example of a pokemon that mysteriously appeared in Hoenn. I'm glad you took interest.

I should try the ones with quotation marks, but I need to study how they are used. Maybe chapter 2 will come out with that style, but I have to edit chapter 1 too so it doesn't confuse new readers.
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  #5    
Old July 4th, 2012 (09:37 AM).
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Chapter 2: Rise of Team End

Somewhere.....

Men in sinister cloth are all lined up. In the opposite side, women, but much fewer. They have their attention to a man who seems to be their leader.

"Everyone, listen up. I shall announce why I gathered you all here," said the man as he was looking at the others, "The time has finally come. Go forth and gather as much information as you can. It will serve as the first phase of our plan. Divide yourselves into groups, and I shall assign a captain for each."

Present, at Oldale Town.....

I let out a big yawn, and I was greeted by my Mudkip's friendly smile. I thanked the nurse, and excitedly went out. 

I headed for Petalburg City, which doesn't seem far away anyways. Route 102 is an easy road for me.

As I was walking with high spirits, some kind of....robed pokemon started following me. I said Hi, and that's all. It still followed me. What's wrong? I looked back at it again, and I got a clear detail of him. My Pokedex started beeping.

"Ralts,  the Feeling Pokémon. Ralts is the pre-evolved form of Kirlia. It can use the horns on its head to read human emotions. Ralts rarely shows itself to humans, but may occasionally approach when it senses positive or happy feelings.", babbled the Pokedex.

"Oh. Does that mean, I'm in a happy mood?"

Ralts kinda agreed. Well, I want to catch it, so I sent out Mudkip.

"Mudkip, use Tackle!", i commanded as I point to the shocked Ralts.

BAM! Hit! I searched for my pokeball, but it started to get away. The moment I got it, I can see Ralts going into the trees. I had a feeling I'd get lost so I let it go for now. But I'm definitely catching it some time.

Half an hour later, I am at Petalburg City.

"Hey! Marc, who are you with?", asked a familiar voice.

"Oh! Mister Norman! I'm traveling with my very own pokemon!"

"Well, did I hear right? Own pokemon? Professor Birch must've provided you, right? What did you get?"

I showed him, "Mudkip. He's friendly and sweet to have!"

"I see. What are you up to now, then? A journey without a goal is almost as pointless as bread without butter."

"I heard yesterday from Oldale's pokemon center that we challenge gym leaders, then go to the Pokemon League. Are you one of them?"

Norman was surprised, "Whoa, are you challenging me already?"

I spoke clearly, "Yes? Well I don't know much about it."

He pondered for a while, then gave me his answer, "Well, you're still beginning. I have an idea. Why don't I give you a test battle? It is to show how it feels like to have a Gym battle."

I accpeted. We headed into his Gym. He sent out his Slakoth.

Again, Pokedex started to speak, "Slakoth, the slacker pokemon. Ablahlahblah".... And I didn't even tried to listen to it, for I am for excited in the battle. 

"Are you ready?", Norman said.

"Go! Mudkip, use Tackle!"

Hit! Slakoth didn't even try to move. 

"Slakoth use Scratch!"

Oh, Mudkip is hit too. Hmmm....what else can I command....

"Mudkip, keep Tackling Slakoth until we win!"

"Slakoth, use Yawn!", Norman said, somehow calmly.

Mudkip is getting drowsy, it must be the move's effect.

"Mudkip snap out of it!", and I was panicking.

But no matter how hard he tries, he fell asleep.

"Slakoth, Scratch! Do not let him wake up!"

First scratch hits....

"No! Mudkip! Wake up and try to dodge them."

Seconds hit..... And third and last. Mudkip is down.

"Oh well. Mudkip, maybe we can try again sometimes.", I said, and returned him to his pokeball. 

I headed straight to the Pokemon Center. As usual, the nurse took my pokemon, so I went outside to catch some air for a while.

Soon, the same Ralts approached me. It must've felt my sadness. I asked if it would allow me to catch it, well it accidentally touched one of my Pokeballs and it never went out again. I caught it! Involuntarily.

I took him out, and asked if it was ready to have adventure with me, and it nodded. Looks like I have a new partner.

The nurse called me, so I had my sleep again in the pokemon center.


In Rustboro City....

"I think these research papers is what we need."
"Fool! The leader wants more than that!"
"Then start helping me! I can't carry these all!"
"Oh, you guys found some? Hehe, let me see.... Yes. These are what we need. 'Aqua Phase' will be a perfect one. We promised boss that we will bring Team End something worthy. Good job you guys."


End

Chapter 3 coming. 
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  #6    
Old July 6th, 2012 (07:48 PM). Edited July 6th, 2012 by psyanic.
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psyanic psyanic is offline
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No matter how many times I skim over this thread, I've always read it as 'Treat' instead of 'Threat.' That aside, let's get down to this review. I'll start off by nitpicking Chapter One.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
So, I am Marc, a simple guy living in Littleroot Town.
This sentence, as well as the rest of the paragraph, are a bit strange considering the narrative. It reads as if Marc is telling the audience, but it only does this for one paragraph, while the rest of the chapter is just a first person perspective. It's a bit jarring to do that. And the first paragraph was all info-dumpy, and to be honest, I got a bit bored reading it. It wasn't anything exciting as it was background information, which could be written in bits and pieces instead of in a single paragraph. Space the information out to keep it interesting to the readers and mix it in with the prose.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
Life here is quite boring, what is there even to do other than eating, sleeping or watching TV?
Sentence fragment after 'boring' or at the first comma. What that means is you wrote in two independent clauses together joined by a comma. An independent clause is basically a sentence. Don't combine two sentences into one. Here, you can either replace the comma with a semi-colon (;) or change it to a period and make two sentences.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
Sometimes he loses, but that's fine, for he enjoyed the battle too.
For is an awkward word here as you can use 'because' instead.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
I can remember when I was 5, it was my first time visiting and knowing about pokemon.
Numbers should be written out if they aren't long, such as numbers up to twenty. Five should be written out. This is also a comma splice, so you should change one of the clauses to a dependent one. The sentence as it is reads awkwardly, and it would work a lot better if you took out the 'I can remember.'

Afterwards, it shifts to a scene, and I'm not sure what happened because it just jumped. Clearly the narrator is talking to Norman, but the transition was poorly done. I blame it on the first paragraph, because it wasn't even much of an introduction. In any case, you should make it easier to understand for readers when you shift scenes and exactly what the setting is, as a setting is absent for your introduction.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
"What is a Bokemon?", I asked
Missing punctuation after 'asked,' and you don't need a comma in this sentence because you already used punctuation within the quotation marks.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
"A pokemon. They are wonderful creatures that are almost like humans. They can be fed, make friends with, play with, or even battle with.", Norman replied.
No period at the end of the quotations, but a comma. And you never use punctuation outside of quotation marks.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
I was told that I can meet my first pokemon with Professor Birch, who lives exactly in the same town where I live, convenient!
It's weird that the narrator wouldn't know that, since he lives in the town, and Professor Birch is a bit of a 'renowned' professor. He should know that already. The bolded word isn't needed either.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
I told Mom about my plan to go to an adventure, and she told it to the Professor.
The bolded words aren't needed. If you take them out, the sentence means the same thing, but with less words. You don't want to use too many words. In fact, you want to use the minimum number of words needed to understand what you're trying to say.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
For some reason, he had a look that seems like he's used to it, and he told me I can choose from 3 next week.
Again, this is an odd transition, as the narrator's mother told the professor, but it never states that he even talked to him in person or that they were together in the same room. It gets confusing. Don't do that. Also, the bolded clause is worded awkwardly. Personally, I think it would read better if you said, "I can choose one next week." It's pretty standard that you'd choose from three different Pokemon, so don't repeat it.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
I can't help but squeal like a girl with excitement. I almost can't sleep!
Verb tense. Can you identify the verb tense here? It's in the present tense. The story is in the past tense. Keep it consistent as it gets confusing. Again. Change these verbs to the past tense. Also, 'squeal like a girl' isn't much of a description. It's actually out of place in this situation. Marc is going on a Pokemon journey, and this story is in the first person. The first person introduces the best perspective for diving into a character's mind. Tell us how Marc feels instead of how he acts. Thoughts tend to be more interesting at this point.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
Next week, I arrived to Professor Birch's lab looking like a drunk man due to lack of sleep.
The bolded 'to' is the incorrect preposition. It should be 'at.' The second bolded bit is jarring to read, as it's in the first person. Thoughts would be more appreciative over appearance, especially since Marc wouldn't know how he looked until he went in front of a mirror.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
Huh? Someone's in the lab that seems almost the same age as me.
Present tense, yet again. Don't change the tense. Don't change the tense. Don't change the tense.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
The professor greeted me and said, "Marc, you didn't sleep well, did you? This is Hans, from Rustboro City. It seems he wants to start a pokemon journey, just like you Marc. So the 2 of you will choose from these 3."
When in the world did Professor Birch come out? I don't see that written in at all. And choosing Pokemon is pretty well-established, so I read this as patronizing.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
"Wait," I said impatiently, "what if we want the same pokemon?
You're missing ending quotation marks after 'pokemon.' Wait is a weird word to use when you use impatiently, and it makes absolutely no sense here.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
"In that case, you choose first.", said that silent guy.
Screwed up punctuation here, but I already mentioned it before. The silent, like above, is almost completely out of place because he's obviously not silent anymore if he's talking.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
I opened the first ball. A green frog thing.

And the professor gave me this info, "That's Treecko, the grass type pokemon. He is quite speedy, but burns easily with fire."
Alright, to put it bluntly, I got annoyed a bit. First of all, Marc is a bit of an idiot if he thinks a gecko looks like a frog. Treecko has a long tail with a red underbelly, which is something frogs don't have. And it stands on its two hind legs with yellow eyes. Again, unlike a frog.

As for the professor talking, I don't like it either. Readers don't need to know what a Treecko is, because they're already followers of Pokemon. They know what a Treecko is. Don't waste words doing this. Useless dialogue.

And reading on to the next bits, don't do any of them. They're the same process with Treecko, just with different descriptions. They aren't necessary. People know what the Hoenn starters are. Marc should know what the starters are, otherwise I'm wondering what cave they locked him up in. He's lived in that town and doesn't know what the starters are? Come on. That's highly unrealistic. He doesn't even understand Pokemon, it seems.


Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
"Trying to choose the pokemon without weakness, eh?", telling me while trying to hide his laughs, "No one is perfect, not even pokemons. Just choose the one that you seem will be loyal and be friends with you."
What? Who's saying that? Also, 'telling' should be changed to an actual verb rather than a participle. The comma after 'laughs' is grammatically incorrect. It should be a period. Pokemon itself is plural and singular.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
I closed my eyes, did "eenie meenie minie mo".... And my hand landed at Mudkip. Mudkip was happy and excited, so I took it anyways.
I dislike Marc more and more. The lack of description isn't enjoyable to read and doesn't help the dysfunctional prose. It's all too jumpy and abstract.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
And I replied hastily, "Hmph. Just admit that you choose it because Mudkip is weak to it."
'Chose' not 'choose.'

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
"We just got our pokemon.", I said, "why battle already?"
'Why' should be capitalized and the comma after said should be a period. You only use a comma after said when it's part of the same sentence, whereas here, it's two different sentences separated by a speech tag.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
"Are you chickening out? Fine, I'll go ahead of you then.", and raised his voice to command...
'And' should be capitalized. It's not a speech tag, therefore starting a new sentence.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
" Marc, last 2 years, when we visited Norman, he was using a Slakoth, Spinda, Linoone and Vigoroth right? Well now, he's found a strange partner for himself, named Lopunny. Seriously, I visited Sinnoh before, seen pokemons like that exclusive only to that region. But when I asked him if he ever visited Sinnoh, he replied me no. I don't think he'd lie to me, he just found it in the wild, just like every other normal pokemon."
First of all, Norman isn't an idiot. He knows Pokemon. He'd know if a Pokemon was native to Hoenn or not. Although he did do the right thing when he caught the Lopunny, he didn't alert anybody about it. That's what bugs me a bit. He should have told someone immediately, since that is a weird phenomenon. And considering that there are more Sinnoh Pokemon roaming about, more trainers should have them as well.

It's also weird for Birch to ask Marc to 'investigate' in a sense, because Birch should be the one to investigate. There are a few reasons: a) Birch is one of those professors that like to go and explore, or do field work, evidenced in both the games and the anime, and b) why would you trust a kid to investigate something significant as this?

This isn't the correct premise for Marc to be a trainer. Birch really should have forced Marc out the door and investigated himself, as he is a professor. What would Marc do? He can't do anything scientific. He barely knows anything about Pokemon, evidenced early on in the story.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
"...I've ordered Professor Rowan for some of his Pokedex, and a box of it arrived".
These quotation punctuations are really getting to me. Anyway, 'some' implied there are multiple Pokedexes, so you would use the plural form. In addition, 'it' doesn't agree with the subject as 'it' is singular. What you should use is 'them.'

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
"Marc wait. Visit Oldale Town's pokemon center to heal Mudkip. The service is for free, and the Nurse is sweet there. She should provide you a good sleep too."
Nurse isn't capitalized because it's not used as her name or a title in this case. Here, it's used to refer to 'the nurse' instead of 'Nurse.' And this bit of dialogue was rather pointless, because Professor Birch is a Pokemon professor, so I'm sure he'd have some healing unit. Besides, resting or sleeping seems to heal Pokemon just as well, which is present in the games, and it seems like you're using game canon.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
I thanked him, "Will do. Thanks for the tip, Professor!"
Why would you say thanked twice? Take either the speech tag or the dialogue.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
As I was going out, Mom was waiting for me by the door.
This is confusing, again. Was his mother outside of the lab or, like in the games, outside of their house? Be clear.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
"Marc," my Mom yelled
Mom isn't capitalized here because it's not used as a name.

Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
"Same here Mom! Bye!", and I kissed her.
And needs to be capitalized because it's not attached to a speech tag.

So this concludes the review for chapter one. There are numerous grammatical mistakes, and I'd advise you to study quotations a bit more. Actually, study them extensively. You don't seem to have the hang of it quite yet. You can look over at many fics on this forum, mainly the fic of the month archives to check out stories that effectively use dialogue. While mechanics don't make a story, they sure are useful when you want your story to be easier to read.

Chapter one had a lot of problems running into the lack of descriptions. Without descriptions, it's hard to figure out what's happening. And that's a major problem when you're in the first person narrative. First person introduces the best way to add in descriptions, because readers are literally thrown into a character's head. They see, smell, and hear everything the narrator sees, smells, or hears. The problem is that you don't even tell us anything. I fail to see even one adequate description about anything. Even more, you don't even introduce any sort of thoughts that Marc has. Surely Marc must be thinking of something when he chooses his Pokemon. Look, choosing a Pokemon and going on a journey is a big deal in their world. Otherwise, why would it be so heavily focused on? There should be a ton of words dedicated to showing how excited or nervous Marc is about choosing a Pokemon. Instead, we get a disjointed series of events, which I mentioned earlier. It's extremely hard to follow because the story keeps jumping. Nothing seems to flow continually. It's all in bits and pieces, which stops frequently so it doesn't help the story in any way. Pace your story out slightly.

As for your first paragraph, I found it to be entirely pointless. Why? Because that whole paragraph could have been spaced out throughout your entire chapter instead. Readers could gather all that information in bits and pieces. When it's dumped on them, readers either don't pay much attention to it or simply forget. That's not something you want, obviously. Why would you have written that in the first place? It's not an effective way to start. Just skip straight to where the plot starts, which seems to be when Marc chooses a Pokemon, not when he asks his mom to go on a Pokemon Journey. None of that seems to be a big deal, considering he asked his mom, she asked Birch, and Birch told him to get a Pokemon next week happened within a span of two-three sentences. Start where your story actually starts. Don't turn readers off by starting slow and dull. Your first chapter is probably the most important chapter of your story, kind of like how pilot episodes for television shows are so important. Readers determine if they're interested in your story within a paragraph of your first chapter. If they get bored or are confused, they'll stop reading. And odds are, they won't come back to it. So yeah, you don't want that. Keep your first chapter interesting.

Continuing on from my other point about Marc's lack of descriptions as well as the seemingly lack of importance on this vital day... Well, you need more emotions incorporated. We know so little of Marc, so his characterization is minimal. As such, I have no idea what to make of him, and that's not good when it's in first person. And I mentioned before that you need more descriptions. This chapter focuses on Marc choosing his Pokemon, battling his Pokemon, and officially starting on a journey. All of that was compressed into less than 500 words, I'm guessing. You're going to need a lot more than that to prove that this day was important. When Marc starts to look through the Pokemon, there should be more emphasis on how Marc describes them. Remember, a description isn't how an object, thing, or person looks – it's all about how a character interacts with an object, place, or thing. Describing Pokemon shouldn't be 'blue mud-fish thing.' That's, to put it terribly bluntly, terrible. It should be how Marc looks into the Mudkip and sees how friendly it appears. Something related to that to show Marc is relating to the Mudkip in some way to show that he wants to choose it. Also, Marc using a stupid method of choosing a Pokemon is still stupid. It's a big deal to choose a Pokemon. You throw that significance out the window as soon as you wrote that. That method is a joke. You're making this event almost comical, and this story doesn't seem to be comical in any way.

The Pokemon battle is, in my opinion, the highlight of this chapter. This chapter, Marc practically meets the obvious rival in Hans as well as showcasing his battling abilities, which are nonexistent. The battle was rather unsatisfying, but that's kind of understandable since both the trainers are complete novices. And that's also where I draw criticism, because they know so little. At least they should have known a few moves, not completely of course, but enough to sustain a battle without too much help from Birch. In any case, Marc's descriptions weren't even there for the battle. "No! Mudkip is hit!" is not a description. I'm not sure if that even classifies as a thought, to be honest. Describe how Mudkip was hit. Describe how Marc felt. Describe the look on Hans's face. Describe the smug Treecko's grin. Describe something, anything. It's in the first person, so let your thoughts run wild, but keep it in perspective.

So that's it for chapter one. There are a lot of flaws that you can work on, although if you prepare and work with the right work ethic and the desire to improve, you will become a fantastic writer. I'd suggest reading through the stickied thread in the Writer's Lounge, the Writing Resources, to check up on quotations if you don't want to read books/fics and to help out with other writing skills. In addition, you can check out the Beta Lounge if you feel like you want a beta reader. A beta reader is basically someone who proofreads your story, like this review I just wrote, before you post, so you can make corrections.

Work hard, study right, and earn your stripes!
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Old July 7th, 2012 (06:29 AM).
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Drgons90 Drgons90 is offline
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I see, maybe I started off bad then(you make me feel like Marc). I'll study about those quotations as much as I can so I can get it.

Btw, english isn't really my best language. I do have a great idea for the fic, but I just can't write it in a good way. Should I quit for a while until I think I improved?
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Old July 7th, 2012 (08:10 AM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
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Quote originally posted by Drgons90:
Btw, english isn't really my best language. I do have a great idea for the fic, but I just can't write it in a good way. Should I quit for a while until I think I improved?
If English is your second language, or not your native tongue, then that's understandable if you aren't on top of grammar and all. However, don't quit. If you quit writing, you'll never get better at it. Keep working on it and try to improve. Continue writing your story, even if I criticized it. I only criticized it so you know what you can work on. Study English a bit more, maybe read a few novels, study prose writing. You'll get better. Don't give up at it, though.
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