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  #1    
Old July 16th, 2012, 02:17 PM
Kroso's Avatar
Kroso
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Introduction


Greeting fellows reader, I know that many of you bore at the thought of introductions. But, I'm a formal guy and I've to do it anyway. Anyway, I'm a novice writer who has been struggling to improve while trying to be creative at the same time. I hope you enjoy this story, and please note that I'm open for any criticism and suggestions.

Story

Chapter 1
Spoiler:
"Wake up" heard next to you as you struggled to open your eyes, it felt like you didn't even know how to open them at all. But when you did, you saw a stunning young lady. She had her hair tied up into a pony tail, wore a green hat and has a soothing voice. "Where am I?" You asked weakly as you struggled to get up, but the girl abruptly set you back down. It seems that the girl humming was what woke you up.

"Stay, I know you have pain so please sit down" The girl ordered you while retained her very gentle voice, there was something familiar about her but you couldn't put your finger on it. "Who're you?" You managed to ask her as she sat down, "I'm Hillary , nice to meet you" She put her right arm in front of you to shake, being a respectful fellow you oblige.

"And who you might be?" She asked, as you struggled to remember anything. "I don't know who I am." You said, even though you do remember something about a person with a blank face.
"Hmm, so you're telling me. You don't remember anything, anything at all?"

She sat there, biting her nails. You could tell she was nervous, but she soon stopped and grabbed you by the hand. "How about we'll take you outside, alright?" She said as she grabbed you firmly and yanked you up, fortunately you didn't feel any pain this time. As you wiped off the dust that was on your clothing, you were once again yanked.

"Come on, let's get out of here." Hillary said as she started running out of the small mine shack like she was running for her life to escape the dull, lifeless cave. As soon as you approached the sun, you felt a burning sensation. Hillary turned around and noticed you screamed in pain, "Are you alright?" She asked as she approached you and moved you towards the sun.

"AUGH!" You scream as you feel thousands of needles are ripping into your skin at once, it seems your body was dearly afraid of the sun.
Backing back into the dark you felt exhausted as you felt you almost burned to death. "I wonder what happened" Hillary said as you slumped onto the cold dark floor.

"Why, am I so weak to sun light?" You asked yourself as you stood there, with burns. Whatever you are, you know you aren't a human being at all. But you could feel a heart, didn't that mean you were a living creature? And you also felt heat as well! It didn't make any sense at all, you knew that you had to find who you are.

After pondering about the matter, you begin to see hallucinations. The first, was a normal bed room. It seemed very familiar, but eerie at the same time. You soon start looking around the small room that seemed to have no doors, but yet you could walk through the bare walls.
You felt head pain as you continued going forward as you see the flashing memory of a child screaming as it's being hurled across the room. This hallucination was very menacing, but you felt chills as a wooden door slowly creaked opened. You felt something wasn't right and decided that the answers lies behind the wooden door, starting to go inside you hear a very loud roar.

"What was that?" You thought to yourself as you struggled to pull yourself up, still trying to comprehend everything that was happening.

DEAD

This story has visted the grave, and has died.
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Last edited by Kroso; August 2nd, 2012 at 04:16 AM.
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  #2    
Old July 16th, 2012, 03:46 PM
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DarkIceForever
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Introductions are cool. I like a well-rounded introduction because it gets you excited for the pièce de résistance. Ugh, my french is horrible.

This is short to Pokemon Commuinty standards. I'm not sure if there is a standard, but most chapter one's are typically longer. That's because authors generally get the most important topics across, or the ones that grab a reader's attention.

I will say short stories do give people some convenience.

Other than that onto the main story itself. The only thing that is a argueble is that you included the magical pronoun "you". You is second-person, which means I, the reader am the character. I'm not sure if these second-person narratives even work. Second perspective would be common is stuff like "choose your own adventure", or "do it yourself handbooks". I've never read a popular interactive fiction book before. Then again I'm not sure there are any.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that this second perspective thing might not work out unless you're a good writer. Which you pointed out by saying you're novice. There's a few factors that go into making a second perspective narrative that you must consider. I think the most important is what the reader feels when they read your story. You're not giving them any option to make decisions about themselves. Kinda defeats the whole purpose of interactive, don't you think?

That means your setting up a life for me by force. I kinda don't like that. I want to have a say in the matter and I think this would fall under the category of role-playing or choose your own adventure sort of thing. I've never seen it work, but I'm here to be proven wrong.

As a fellow novice writer I really and I mean REALLY recommend you start things off by writing in first or third person. They are eaiser to write and that means you don't include our little pronoun 'you'.

First person is when the character is reflecting on things that have happened or are happening to him/her/it.

Third person is when YOU the author are narrating the story about the character. I think you should go back and delete all the 'you's'. If you perfer second-person then that's fine by me, but I'm not sure a lot of people will be too glad about it. I know you are trying to be creative, but be more creative in your story, not the way you present it.

Anyhow, good luck.

Last edited by DarkIceForever; July 16th, 2012 at 03:58 PM. Reason: delete repeated word/ corrected mispelled words.
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  #3    
Old July 16th, 2012, 04:34 PM
Kroso's Avatar
Kroso
Feels like a failure
Community Supporter Tier 5
 
Join Date: May 2011
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Nature: Gentle
Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
Introductions are cool. I like a well-rounded introduction because it gets you excited for the pièce de résistance. Ugh, my french is horrible.

This is short to Pokemon Commuinty standards. I'm not sure if there is a standard, but most chapter one's are typically longer. That's because authors generally get the most important topics across, or the ones that grab a reader's attention.

I will say short stories do give people some convenience.

Other than that onto the main story itself. The only thing that is a argueble is that you included the magical pronoun "you". You is second-person, which means I, the reader am the character. I'm not sure if these second-person narratives even work. Second perspective would be common is stuff like "choose your own adventure", or "do it yourself handbooks". I've never read a popular interactive fiction book before. Then again I'm not sure there are any.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that this second perspective thing might not work out unless you're a good writer. Which you pointed out by saying you're novice. There's a few factors that go into making a second perspective narrative that you must consider. I think the most important is what the reader feels when they read your story. You're not giving them any option to make decisions about themselves. Kinda defeats the whole purpose of interactive, don't you think?

That means your setting up a life for me by force. I kinda don't like that. I want to have a say in the matter and I think this would fall under the category of role-playing or choose your own adventure sort of thing. I've never seen it work, but I'm here to be proven wrong.

As a fellow novice writer I really and I mean REALLY recommend you start things off by writing in first or third person. They are eaiser to write and that means you don't include our little pronoun 'you'.

First person is when the character is reflecting on things that have happened or are happening to him/her/it.

Third person is when YOU the author are narrating the story about the character. I think you should go back and delete all the 'you's'. If you perfer second-person then that's fine by me, but I'm not sure a lot of people will be too glad about it. I know you are trying to be creative, but be more creative in your story, not the way you present it.

Anyhow, good luck.
Thanks, but I chose second over both mainly because the character has no name. I do plan to edit to rewrite again because the entire thing is second perspective.
Also, it's meant to be short since I like to refresh and make very short stories since I been told that long stories will bore people to death.
Edit: Also, the reason I wrote this in second perspective is because I wrote in that perspective so long that I been adjusted to it.
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Last edited by Kroso; July 16th, 2012 at 06:44 PM.
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