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  #1    
Old July 14th, 2012, 11:38 AM
droomph's Avatar
droomph
mmm gurl that 90s
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: bar'jách
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Nature: Impish
Okay yeah anyways more ramblings of my head from 2 AM last night :P

if you make a difference, the world thanks you

Hey...can you hear me?

To the one who cares...

Is there a reason...for you to be here?

Are you alive...or are you dead?

Can you make a difference...probably not, eh?

I want to be remembered, for the things I do
because without them, I'm just one of you
if you can do it, so can I
if you're good, I'll be better

I want to be remembered, for what I do
because...really? I'm not that special
if I set records, that's fine with me
but I want to be...remembered.

Are you there? The one who cares?
What are you doing, wasting your time?

Do you know that you have things to do,
that people need you...the world needs you

Stop wasting time. Stop sitting down.

Get yourself up and follow your dreams.

They may not be big, but so? Who cares...

if you make a difference, the world thanks you

I know, I suck awfully :P but those are my thoughts, please comment on how I could improve it!

[and please lock if I'm breaking a rule]
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  #2    
Old July 16th, 2012, 08:40 PM
Tetrakeet's Avatar
Tetrakeet
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: The Windy Forest
Nature: Careful
Your poem seems to shift from your own worries of not being different and "special" enough, and you attempt to put this thought onto the reader. It also seems to gives off the impression that you have low self esteem ("to those who care") and that you feel like you are just a "number" (you want to be "different")? Then it jumps to "I will surpass you" and "Anything you can do I can do better", leading into telling the reader he/she is wasting their time by reading your words? At the end, you seem to be telling people to stop sitting on their butt, get to work, and become something, or they will be just become another number themselves.

Who kind of poetry are you interested in learning to write? Rhyming or free verse (or something else?)? I noticed you rhymed in some parts, but in others you changed your pattern. It helps to bunch together similar thoughts and make them into "verses". What kind of emotion are you looking to instill in your poems? I could offer more input if I get understand what your goals are.
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  #3    
Old July 17th, 2012, 08:51 PM
droomph's Avatar
droomph
mmm gurl that 90s
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: bar'jách
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Nature: Impish
I want the reader to
feel what I felt that night at 2AM, which was tired arrogance :c But yeah, I just wrote whatever I was thinking. Usually this comes out better, but hey what can you expect.

Maybe next time I'll actually plan something out lol
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o i forgot 5
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