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  #1    
Old July 20th, 2012 (06:03 AM). Edited July 20th, 2012 by Jacinth.
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Jacinth
~Darling~
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Idaho, USA
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Nature: Docile
This is very certainly not my first fanfiction, but it is the first one I'm releasing publicially. It is based off Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of the Sky. It will not be an exact copy of its storyline, but rather a more mature (And hopefully more entertaining) retelling of its contents.
It is much like a nuzlocke in the fact that if a Pokemon faints, it dies. As so, this should make it more realistic and tense in battle scenes.
Criticism would be highly appreciated, as I want my writing to be the best it can be!

Here is the prologue.


It’s always darkest before the dawn… Florence + The Machine, Shake it Out

Prologue

“Lark… Are you ready for this?” the Grovyle asked, the Celebi near them busy preparing their ride to the past.

“Chaos, you know very well I could be asking you the same thing.” The human girl replied, looking with calm, green eyes at her Pokemon partner.

“…Yes, I suppose so. One cannot be prepared for these things.”

“Don’t worry too much.” Lark smiled, reaching over to hold his hand. “We’ll make it. Surely, destiny cannot be too harsh on us. ” Chaos turned his head, blushing away from her view.

“It is ready, my dears.” Celebi finally announced in a breathy voice, exhaustion obvious in her eyes.

“Thank you. “ Chaos replied. Lark nodded towards Celebi and said, “Hopefully, if all goes well, we will not see you again.”

“Yes. But know I will also await your return in case of this mission’s unfortunate failure.”

“That is much appreciated, Celebi, but it won’t be needed.” Lark looked at Chaos, speaking words of encouragement. “We will complete this, whether or not we die in the process.”

“Yes... but enough talk!” Celebi ushered. “Dialga will sense the portal if it is open too long. He must not be too alert, since nothing like this has happened before,… But I suggest you make your way before something happens.”

Lark took a deep, shaky breath. She knew she was more scared than Grovyle; she was holding on to him more for herself than for Chaos.

A few steps towards the glowing portal, and then they broke into a run. Lark winced as she went headfirst into the glowing light, a deafening roar being the last sound she heard before all faded to black.

_____________________________________________________________

A crash of thunder, wind blowing. A voice,… Who is that?

“Whoa! Wh-wh-whoa…! Are…” There is a long pause, and my ears ring. “Are you okay?”

Another crash of thunder, and my ears ring more. Lightning flashes, and I close my eyes in pain. What is this…?

“No! Don’t let go! Just a little longer… Come on! Hang on, Lark!”

Lark? Is that my name? Who is speaking?

More thunder and lightning interrupt my thoughts.

“N-n-no! I can’t…hold on…!” Was that my voice? I sound so… Scared…

There is a horrifying scream before my vision fades once more.

…… ……………. ……………………. “Urrgh…”

Where… Where am I?

Trying to collect my thoughts, I shake my head drowsily. …I can’t…drifting off…

A sigh escapes my lips as my head hits the ground.
_____________________________________________________________________

“Hmm…” The dark-colored Shinx said to himself, pacing in front of the guild.

“No. I refuse to be paralyzed by this any longer! Today is the day I gather my courage!” With those words, he stepped onto the grate, wincing as loud voices came from beneath him.

“Pokemon detected! Pokemon detected!”

“Whose footprint? Whose footprint?”

“The footprint is Shinx’s! The footprint is Shinx’s!”

The small cat let out a yelp before jumping off the grate, startled. “Where did those voices come from?” He muttered, looking around with suspicion. When he saw no other Pokemon around he sighed, looking down in self-disappointment.

“…I…I’m not brave enough to go in, after all. I told myself this was the day,…” Placing an odd-shaped stone in front of him, tears began to well up in his eyes.

“I thought that holding onto my personal treasure would inspire me…” He retrieved the item before shaking his head, regret plaguing his mind. “I just can’t do it… This is so discouraging…” He turned and slowly walked away from his dream, tears flowing down his furry cheeks as he made his way back to the town.

Arriving at the Crossroads, he flinched as the light of the setting sun hit his eyes. "Maybe..." He sniffed. "Maybe the Krabby are out today.... That would be nice..." The Shinx tried to compose himself on his walk towards the beach, drying the tears from his eyes. He hoped that the beauty of the bubbles floating on the horizon would help calm him.

When he entered the small cove, he gasped in surprise. He had seen the Krabby blowing bubbles before, but not in the evening, when the sun was setting.

"...Wow..." He took a deep breath. "Those bubbles, reflecting the setting sun's rays off the waves..." He shook his head in astonishment. "...Just....Wow..." His eyes followed the direction the bubbles were blowing, watching the beautiful orbs float off in the distance. Lowering his gaze a bit, he noticed something red-looking lying on the sand off the shore.

"Huh? What's that?" He stepped a bit closer, squinting.

The Shinx gasped again, not out of astonishment, but horror. There, on the wet grains of sand, lay a body... An unmoving, unconscious, maybe even dead... He let out a cry and ran towards it, for once in his life, truly scared.
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  #2    
Old July 20th, 2012 (06:57 AM).
Vato
This Is Our Last Goodbye
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
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Hello!
Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Vato, frequently called 'Vato!' and 'Pesky News Reporter', the latter in the Role Play Corner.
First of all, I love the Mystery Dugeon Series, so it's no strange that I also love what your Fic is about.
The way you're telling the story..., simply astounding..., makes me want to play the game again!
You know, there aren't many PMD Fics around here, so, I bet yours will stand out with ease.

Just a few things (don't worry, they're not bad):

Quote:
It’s always darkest before the dawn…
..., this somehow reminds me of a song named "Shake It Out" by Florence + The Machine

Quote:
trying the tears from his eyes.
I didn't understand this; what did you exactly meant?

But, anyways, it's a great start, I'll surely be looking forward for the next chapter!
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  #3    
Old July 20th, 2012 (07:48 AM).
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Jacinth
~Darling~
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Idaho, USA
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Nature: Docile
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vato View Post
Hello!
Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Vato, frequently called 'Vato!' and 'Pesky News Reporter', the latter in the Role Play Corner.
First of all, I love the Mystery Dugeon Series, so it's no strange that I also love what your Fic is about.
The way you're telling the story..., simply astounding..., makes me want to play the game again!
You know, there aren't many PMD Fics around here, so, I bet yours will stand out with ease.

Just a few things (don't worry, they're not bad):

Quote:
It's always darkest before the dawn...
..., this somehow reminds me of a song named "Shake It Out" by Florence + The Machine

Quote:
trying the tears from his eyes
I didn't understand this; what did you exactly meant?

But, anyways, it's a great start, I'll surely be looking forward for the next chapter!
Well, nice to meet you, Vato! Thanks for the compliments!

Ha, the name of the fic and the quote at the beginning are actually based of that song. XD I love Florence + The Machine. I would listen to that song all day if I could. (Well,I can, but I don't want to get tired of it.)

LOLOLOL. That second thing you mentioned was just a typo. XD A hilarious typo, at that. It was meant to be drying. I'll fix that ASAP.

The next chapter will be up soon! I'm glad to know you like it! Thanks so much! :D
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Old July 20th, 2012 (01:15 PM).
docowocool
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: somewhere
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
Considering I NEVER play explorers of sky, this is new for me. First of all, it is usually good to show readers some storyline and introduce characters.Also, where did you get th name Chaos from? That is MINE XD. LOL. Not much to review here...

Oh yeah, I'm me.
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  #5    
Old July 20th, 2012 (05:48 PM).
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Jacinth
~Darling~
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Idaho, USA
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Nature: Docile
Quote:
Originally Posted by docowocool View Post
Considering I NEVER play explorers of sky, this is new for me. First of all, it is usually good to show readers some storyline and introduce characters.Also, where did you get th name Chaos from? That is MINE XD. LOL. Not much to review here...

Oh yeah, I'm me.
What do you mean, by showing story and introducing characters? I plan to do that, and anyways, this is just the prologue. It was meant to be kind of vague. (Anyways, the game itself is rather vague and confusing in the beginning as well. You don't actually know who grovyle is until the end of the pre-game, and he is one of the most important characters storyline wise.) I would rather explain things as I go than have a chapter explaining everything. I think that's a bit cheesy. But I see what you mean... I'll try to have more description, for those who haven't played the game. (Yeah, thinking about it now, if you haven't played it the prologue would be a bit confusing...) Thank you for giving me something to work on! I'll definetly work on that in future chapters!

And for the names, I just used a random name generator. http://www.behindthename.com/random/

I wasn't meaning to steal or anything. I just thought since Grovyle is a main character, he deserved a name, and Chaos was the first cool one that popped up... Sorry! I can, uh, change it, if you'd like...
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  #6    
Old July 23rd, 2012 (09:45 AM). Edited July 23rd, 2012 by Jacinth.
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Jacinth
~Darling~
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Idaho, USA
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Nature: Docile
Well, here's chapter one! I've been a bit lazy over the past few days, so sorry it took so long! Hope ya'll like!


Chapter One

“Hey! Are you okay?”

Ow.., my head…

“…Oh no, oh no… What do I do?”

I take a deep breath, barely registering the voice near me. I shake my head slowly, opening my eyes and wincing at the sudden light.

I hear a gasp as my eyes are adjusting to the glow of evening. “Are you awake? Hello?”

Looking upwards, I see a small, dark-colored Shinx standing in front of me, a mixture of surprise and shock on his face. I let out a moan and stand up tiredly, a pain emanating from behind my eyes. It feels like I’ve never used my legs before; a strange sensation, almost like I’m in a new body.

“Oh! You’re alright! That’s a relief!” Seeing the dizzy and confused look on my face, the Shinx stepped away.

Where… Where am I? I studied the area around me, becoming even more mystified. I don’t remember coming to a beach… Yes, the area around me was like a small cove, surrounded by large rock walls on one side and an endless blue sea on the other. Small bubbles floated through the air, some floating away on the horizon, others disappearing without a trace.

Actually,… I don’t believe I can remember anything as of now…

“I’m glad you’re okay! I was really worried!” The Shinx beside me says. My attention snaps to him, my grogginess slowing my memories of his waking me.

“Do you remember how you passed out here?” He asked.

“Err… No. I can’t recall much.” My voice was scratchy, almost unused, it seemed. I clear my throat.

“Oh… That’s odd.” He noted. “Well, my name is Shadow. It’s nice to meet you!” He said cheerfully.

I nodded, closing my eyes in thought. “I think my name is… Lynn? No, Lark. My name is Lark. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

Shadow cocked his head at me. “You… You have no memory?”

I shake my head. “I can’t seem to evoke anything about myself other than my name… And that I am a human.”

“What?!” Shadow was obviously disbelieving. “You’re… A human? But you look like a totally normal Vulpix!”

“Excuse me?” I turn and look at myself. I expected to see my normal clothes and red hair, but instead was met with downy red fur and curly tails.

“What!?” Now it was my turn to shout. I look at my hands… But they were paws! I run over to a nearby tide pool, tripping over myself a few times. When I see my reflection…

It’s true! I’ve turned into a Vulpix! I blink, trying to see if my eyes were tricking me. But… how? I still don’t remember anything…

“You’re a little odd…” Shadow said, looking at me with a disbelieving expression. “Are you pulling a trick on me?”

“No! Absolutely not!” I exclaim. “Truly, I am a human! I swear it!”

The Shinx sighs, obviously still bewildered. “You’re telling me the truth?”

I nod eagerly. “Of course! Of all the things I am, I am certainly not a liar!”

“…Okay.” He finally responded after a long silence, kneading his paws in the sand nervously. “You don’t seem to be a bad Pokemon. Sorry for doubting you.”

Although I was still a bit frustrated, I didn’t want to be rude. “No, it’s quite alright. I don’t blame you.”

Shadow sighs, looking down. “It’s just that so many Pokemon have become aggressive lately. You never know who is safe…”

Just as he finished his words, I noticed a pair of Pokemon coming up behind him. “Shadow, watch-!”

Before I could conclude my warning, a Zubat attacked him, bumping him into me and throwing us both backwards.

“Ah!” He yelped, wincing in pain. He had most likely absorbed most of the hit. I stand tiredly, wincing as I pulled a tender spot on my flank where it had hit a rock.

“Well, I do beg your pardon.” The Koffing said sarcastically, mocking my accent from our conversation earlier.

“Hey! What was that for?” Shadow demanded, glaring angrily at the duo.

“Heh-heh-heh! Are you that dull? We wanted to mess with you!”

Taken aback, he responded. “Huh? Why?”

“Can’t face up to us, can you?” Koffing mocked.

Shadow tried to respond, but he had no comeback. Instead, he just looked down again, growling.

“Well, isn’t that yours?” Zubat asked, gesturing towards a chunky rock laying in the sand.

“Wha-No! That’s…”

“Sorry, kiddo, but we’re gonna take that.” Said Zubat, as he flew over and picked it up in his teeth, tossing it in their bag.

“Ah! You can’t take that! That’s mine!” Shadow protested.

“Whoa-ho-ho! What are you going to do about it?”

“I-I-….” He stammered.

“Heh, I didn’t think you’d be such a big coward!” Zubat snickered. “Come on, Koffing. Let’s get out of here.”

“Whoa-ho-ho. See you around, chicken.” With that, the pair left, retreating to what looked like a cave on the left side of the beach. We watched them leave, anger beginning to fill me to the brim, at both the muggers and Shadow. How dare they steal in broad daylight, with others around, and expect to get away with it? And how can Shadow let them?

“Oh… Oh no…” He whimpered. “That’s… My personal treasure. It means everything to me… If I lose that…” His golden eyes fill with tears, but before he could break down, he shakes off his sadness.

“No! I have to get it back!” Shadow said to himself. He then turned to me, asking, “Do you think you could help me?”

“Pardon me? We just met!” I exclaim.

“I know, I know… But I don’t think I can get it back on my own…” He replied, flustered.

“Oh…” I think for a few moments, trying not to let the pleading look in Shadow’s eyes get to me. “Alright. I suppose I’ll help you.” After all, what can be the harm?

“Really? Thank you!” Shadow replies excitedly.

I chuckle. “Well then, shall we take care of it now?”

“Y-yes! Of course!”

And so he led the way. The only thing I could do was hope this choice wasn’t a mistake.

When we entered the cave, the air rapidly became more humid with a salty tang to it. Deeper in the cave, it got quite a bit darker, and it took a bit for my eyes to adjust. The chasm was smaller than I had thought, having one large room with smaller pathways leading between rock walls to other places, I would assume.

“Have you ever been through here before?” I ask.

“Um, no…”

“So, you don’t know the way out. Or the way in.”

“Yeah…” Shadow looked a bit embarrassed, averting his eyes from my gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, stop worrying so much. We’ll find our way.” I say cheerily, taking the lead. “I suppose we should just look until we discover the thieves’ hiding place, and then we can work on getting your… err, rock back. Does that sound acceptable?”

He was silent for a bit, staring at the ground with a blank look in his eyes. A bit worried, I nudged his side with my nose. “Excuse me, were you listening?”

Shadow jumped a bit, looking at me with a blush on his furry cheeks. “Oh… Yeah! Sorry. That will work.”

I nod. “I suppose we should start now, then?”

“Yes! Of course!” He smiles at me, and although I just met this strange Shinx, I can already feel a friendship growing.
-----------

Please, tell me what you think! :D
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  #7    
Old July 23rd, 2012 (10:09 AM).
Vato
This Is Our Last Goodbye
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Juarez City, Mexico
Age: 17
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Nice job, again
The only thing is, you should add a little bit of description, you know, for those who haven't played the Mistery Dungeon series.
Besides that, it's quite good.
Keep it up, Jacinth!
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  #8    
Old July 23rd, 2012 (10:58 AM).
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silverexorcist
Individualism in Normalcy!
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Evergrande, Hoenn
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant
Ah, PMD...takes me back XD

First of, let me first agree with Vato and say you should really use a lot more description. Not just for the sake of the poor saps who've never played this spinoff series, but because it makes a story look a lot better, especially in flow. It's appealing to the eye :D And this is just my own personal opinion, but because of the all the dialogue and lack of description, most of it is one line, tap enter twice, one line, tap enter twice, one line...and so on, with a couple exceptions. Understandable, since that's the way PMD is, but I imagine that it was written in script form and relies a lot on the awesomness of the visual activity going on on-screen. For a fic, I'd suggest making it into paragraphs.

All in all, it's a nice fic. The plot is a general mirror of the game, so the saps who haven't played the games who read this will at least get some idea. In fact, you've inspired me to write a PMD fanfic. I'm not going to write one, of course, because I have no time, but if I ever do get the time and you see another PMD fic on here, you can have the pride of knowing that it was you who inspired the idea in me
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  #9    
Old July 23rd, 2012 (12:20 PM). Edited July 23rd, 2012 by Jacinth.
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Jacinth
~Darling~
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Idaho, USA
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Nature: Docile
Thanks so much, silverexcorcist and Vato! I'll work on that for the next chapter, and I'm already working on revising the past two chapters. Anyways, I realize it's probably not as descriptive since I'm taking a lot of dialogue from the game, so I figure if I don't do that as much, it'll be better. (Lol, not that it's all the game's fault.)
It's awesome to have people help me get better at writing, so I hope you know I appreciate it! <3
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