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  #1    
Old August 14th, 2012, 10:15 PM
Altix's Avatar
Altix
Son of a Snivy and a Zoroark
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Cda' Idaho
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Docile

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The Secret Island is a highly secluded island, and only the rarest(like starters, legendarys, and event Pokemon, you could also get let in if you were extremely tough) wild Pokemon are allowed to live in it. There is only one way to get there and that is flying. Many Pokemon, like my friend Irina and me, get there in groups. No human has ever found it, because of the fact that it is 16,200 feet in the sky (The Island has a rare machine that creates oxygen, and controls pressure), covered in clouds, and is nearly invisible to the eye of a human. It is flat and very hi-tech, it hacks into machines to make sure it is not found. The clouds covering it are artificial. I has about 120 pokemon on the island but not all of them live there all the time. Many legendary pokemon live there about one month out of the year.

I am a Snivy named Altix. I am a little taller than most Snivys are. I have neon green eyes, but other than that I am pretty average. My favorite food is an Oran berry. I am very energetic, and love telling storys so I will be telling this one.

My friend Irina is a Dragonite, and I am a Snivy named Altix. I and Irina met long ago in a forest, which I forgot the name of. I was exploring trying to find a thunder-gem to sell to a Pikachu, but instead I found a green Dragonite. I was shocked, and at first I was thinking she was sick! Then she explained "I am not sick! I am special! humph!" I was confused because I had no idea what shiny meant. She explained it to me and I was amazed. I asked her why she was here and she told me that she had just found a map telling of a magical safe place for Pokemon, but it was in the sky. "What is the map you are holding for?" I asked "A really strange pokemon delivered it to me, and said to keep it secret"she answered "O.k. but I asked where it led to." "Oh sorry, It goes to an island in the sky." I stared into her glimmering sea blue eyes and asked if I could accompany her on the journey. "It could be dangerous Mr. Snivy." "I don't care if the trips dangerous. Oh by the way my name is Altix. What is you name?" "I am Irina. The trip has way too much danger for a small guy like you." " I am not that small!" I shouted angrily "I could just ride on you anyway, right?" She told me that I could come if I was helpful. We have been friends ever since.

Now as a grass pokemon it would be impossible for me to get up there by myself so I flew on Irina's back the whole way. It took days and nights to get there, but it took years of training and preparation to be ready. Irina practiced flying, I collected berries, and we both had to practice breathing in high altitudes. It is one of the hardest challenges in the world for flying pokemon. We packed about 250 berries, two goggles, and ten water bottles. Thats the most Irina was able to carry while we were heading to The Secret Island.

When we reached the island we were greeted by a guard named "Death". Her name was a bit unsettling, but fitting. Death was a mean, over-confident, and selfish Gengar. She had a scar under her right eye, and a evil grin. We walked towards her, than she spat at our feet, bumped my shoulder, and stole five of our berries. She gave us a run through asking very personal questions, poking and prodding us, and such. I refused to tell her my sexual orientation...and quite a bit of other things I would rather not say. She would not have let Irina in if she were not shiny. After our tests ,which we passed if we had not of this would not be much of a story if we had not of, Death and her assistant, who was a very creepy creature wearing a hooded cloak which made it impossible to see any of it's features, opened a large pearly silver gate and ushered us though. The hooded Pokemon whispered something to me in a strange voice., but I could not understand what he said. I slowly walked past him to the island village. It was pretty big (around 2x the size of Disneyland). There were lots of houses and shops.

A gentle wind blew sweet smells of baked pies toward us, the wind was gently rocking some flowers, it was bright that day. It was very pretty. We were assigned to a small house. We came to the island together, so we had to live together. that was one of the island's laws. The house was a light blue, three roomed, two bathroom home. The walls were a nice shade of green, and it had white ceilings.



Preface end. Grammar Nazis are welcome to help....

Last edited by Altix; August 16th, 2012 at 07:55 AM. Reason: I have my reasons. XD
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  #2    
Old August 14th, 2012, 10:35 PM
c1234321's Avatar
c1234321
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
When we reached the island we were greeted by a guard named "Death". Her name was a bit unsettling, but fitting. Death was a mean, over-confident, and selfish Genger. She gave us a run through asking very personal questions, poking and prodding us, and such. She would not have let Irina in if she were not shiny. After our tests (which we passed. If we had not of this would not be much of a story would it?) Death and his assistant opened a large pearly silver gate and ushered us though, beginning our adventure on Secret Island.
Alright, before I start anything else, Id like to point out that first, it is spelled Gengar, not Genger. Also, at the beginning of this paragraph, I noticed you said Death was a girl, but later on you referred to Death and "his" assistant. Just thought I should point these out.

Now, though this was quite short to be called a chapter, I would consider calling it a prologue or a preface or something of that nature, it still shows promise. What I would recommend to you is that you take the time to elaborate and tell us more about everything. For example, you said that only the rarest Pokemon are allowed on this Island in the Sky. Well, give us some examples of what kind of Pokemon.

Also, on the topic of the island, I might suggest a bit more of a detailed description of the Island itself. For example, how big is it? What is the geography like? Is it diverse enough to sustain a large amount of diverse Pokemon? Other questions of this nature should also be answered.

In addition to the description of the island, I would also suggest a description of Altix, Irina, and Death. Yes, they are all Pokemon we know, but it still helps to give a brief description. Perhaps they have some identifying features?

Lastly, I know you said this was a short chapter, but even for this length it felt a little brief. Perhaps elaborate on how Altix met Irina? You rather just had us pair them together at the beginning with no explanation. Now, if there is a reason for that, ignore what I said. If there isnt, I would suggest a, at the very least brief, backstory for how a Snivy came to be friends with a Shiny Dragonite.

One more thing. I would ask to know what kind of Pokemon Death's assistant is. Kind of a hole there.

Sorry if this seems a little rude, I definitely did not intend for it to be. I just commented on the areas I thought could use work. If you do go along with some of my suggestions, youll find that not only is your story more elaborate and enjoyable, but it also gets to be a little longer as well. Regardless, I do want to see where this story comes from here. You did rather leave us with no indication of where the plot may go from here.

All in all, a fairly decent job. I look forward to reading the rest.
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  #3    
Old August 14th, 2012, 10:43 PM
Altix's Avatar
Altix
Son of a Snivy and a Zoroark
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Cda' Idaho
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Docile
Thanks alot! That was not at all rude, in fact it was very helpful! I will get all of these things done! =D
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  #4    
Old August 14th, 2012, 11:17 PM
Altix's Avatar
Altix
Son of a Snivy and a Zoroark
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Cda' Idaho
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Docile
Put in some more going to bedz now. good night! ...wait im hungry! oh no!
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  #5    
Old August 15th, 2012, 06:45 AM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
I'm going to reiterate about describing things more in-depth. The Secret Island is apparently a magical place, but you did not make it seem that way. Remember, you're writing in the first-person narrative, which I would say is the easiest way to immerse the readers in the writing, and that in turn enforces a larger description of things, because the readers will see, hear, smell, and taste everything the narrator does. Add more descriptions about it if you're going to claim how wondrous it is. It was a bit hard to visualize the scene when Irina and Altix landed and met Death.

And here are a few nitpicks:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
The "Secret Island" is a highly secluded island, and only the rarest(like starters, legendarys, and event Pokemon, you could also get let in if you were extremely tough) wild Pokemon are allowed to live in it.
Secret Island looks like it's the name of the island, so you do not need quotation marks around it. And you need a space before the first parenthesis. Also, I'm having trouble believing that an island like this actually exists in the Pokemon world. You go on to say that it's way up in the air, and there already is the problem of the high altitude and possible lack of oxygen, along with the fact that the Pokemon there would be severely limited to Pokemon that could fly or Pokemon that got lucky enough to fly up there with something else. And what is the island's origin? You say that there is a machine that allows it to float in the sky (which needs some elaboration) and Pokemon cannot deal with technology. One more thing: with a lot of Pokemon up there, they're bound to be breeding and breed not-so-special Pokemon. Just a thought.

I want to address your use of parenthesis, and most of the time, I find it annoying and disjointing towards the prose rather than informative. They provide small comments and don't add much to the story at all. In fact, most of the parenthesis could be sentences themselves. And with your excessive use of them, I get tired of seeing them quickly. Parenthesis also happen to break the flow of your story. What is the flow, you ask? Well, think of writing the prose of your story as a dream. When you dream, it's enthralling and entwines you within your own mind. You can dream for seemingly hours and hours, yet you won't realize it until you wake up in the middle of one. Only when you wake up do you actually remember one. Prose should be like a dream. Readers should be able to read without realizing that they're actually reading. That sounds a bit farfetched, sure, but the concept remains: when your readers are drawn to the story and read without much thought to the fact that they are reading, your prose is, I would say, successful. However, when you start throwing things in the prose that are annoying or out of place, they stick out. Such examples would be TYPING LIKE THIS or maybe this way or possibly (much like this) with parenthesis. Used in limited amounts is fine, actually, for these examples, but in excess, they start to become more obstructing. Don't wake your readers up, because if they do, they'll wonder why they're disinterested in reading all of a sudden.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
There is only one way to get there and that ,my not so dear friend, is flying.
Fix the comma before the bolded bit. It needs to have a space before and needs to be connected with 'that.' And the bolded bit is a bit odd to put in. I don't know who the narrator is addressing, unless it's towards the reader. Either way, I find it weird.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
Many Pokemon, like my friend Irina and I, get there in groups.
You use 'me' in this case. You wouldn't say "Write like I" would you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
No human has ever found it, because of the fact that it is 16,200 feet in the sky (The Island has a rare machine that creates oxygen, and controls pressure), covered in clouds, and is nearly invisible to the eye of a human.
This begs the question about how Pokemon are able to find it. Trainers might have heard it from their Pokemon, and scientists should find some anomaly in the atmosphere. Floating islands aren't that hidden with the clouds, considering that clouds dissipate as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
Me and Irina met long ago in a forest, which I forgot the name of, I was exploring trying to find a thunder-gem to sell to a Pikachu, but instead I found a green Dragonite.
Me write big review. Me like apples. Me use wrong word for subject - you use 'I' for the subject of the sentence. 'Of' needs a period after it and not a comma. After 'of' is an independent clause, which is a separate sentences on its own.

Again, you need more description about the meeting. I can hardly believe Altix would react that way, because he (she?) is shiny, aren't they? Or did I miss something? In any case, saying "I am shocked" isn't much of a description, especially in this narrative style. It would also have been nice to actually have more dialogue, as this would tell the readers a glimpse of their personalities as well as their speech patterns. Both are a bit vital to the story, wouldn't you agree?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
Then she explained "I am not sick! I am special! (humph)!"
That humph has no place being there, really. Not in parenthesis, anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
I was confused because I had no Idea what shiny meant.
Idea is not a proper noun, so it would be lower-cased.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
She explained it to me and I was amazed.
Different-colored Pokemon are that amazing? Well, I'll give you that, but it's not like they need much explaining, either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
Irina practiced flying, I collected berry's, and we both had to practice breathing in high altitudes.
Berries is the plural form, not 'berry's.' And how in the world do you practice breathing in high altitudes? That's not something you can practice or learn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
It is one of the hardest challenges in the world.
Not for Altix, as he's just practicing breathing and sat on Irina's back. She was the one with the challenge.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
We packed about 250 berries, 2 goggles, and 10 water bottles.
Numbers that are short to write out (typically numbers one through twenty) should be written out. Here, two and ten should be written. And I'm wondering how Irina could eat if she's flying the whole way. It's not like she can arch her neck so that Altix could feed her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
Thats the most you are allowed to have if you are heading to The Secret Island.
It is 'that's' not 'thats.' That is needs to be used here, and the conjunction is 'that's.' And who stated that rule? Unless the island has secret messengers dropping flyers to invite Pokemon up there with a few rules printed on it, they had no way of knowing. If this was all Irina could carry, then it's believable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
Death was a mean, over-confident, and selfish Gengar.
Show, don't tell. Show the readers how she is rather than just say it. It's not engaging if you just state it. Show us how she reacted when they first landed or how she talked to them. Those are the ways you should express personalities, not by telling us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
She gave us a run through asking very personal questions, poking and prodding us, and such.I refused to tell her my sexual orientation...and quite a bit of other thing I would rather not say.
Space needed between the sentences. This scene really should have been written with dialogue, which you avoided this whole preface. And what's with the sexual orientation mentioned? I don't get it.

'Thing' needs to be 'things.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
...who was a very creepy creature wearing a hooded cloak which made it impossible to see any of his features...
How could you tell its gender if you can't see anything of it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altix View Post
I slowly walked past him too the island village.
'To' is used here as it's the preposition.

Overall, you need to add more personalities to your characters, especially the narrator. Despite the fact that it's in the first-person, I can't figure out what's up with the narrator. I can't tell its personality, which is not a good thing. There are hard parts to visualize, so descriptions are needed. The Secret Island definitely needs more elaboration. I'll keep an eye on this story to see how it goes. If you have any questions or concerns, especially about my review, then don't hesitate to complain or bug me about it. I won't be that annoyed, I promise.

Anyway, good luck!
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  #6    
Old August 15th, 2012, 07:31 AM
Altix's Avatar
Altix
Son of a Snivy and a Zoroark
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Cda' Idaho
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Docile
Thanks for that =) I am a new writer I have only writing one other story before, so its nice to get help so I can improve. oh and maybe you could put that in a spoiler psyanic its really long!

Last edited by Altix; August 16th, 2012 at 08:42 AM.
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  #7    
Old August 16th, 2012, 08:39 AM
Altix's Avatar
Altix
Son of a Snivy and a Zoroark
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Cda' Idaho
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Docile
It was cold. Winter. We had been here for four months so far. The island seemed duller, like all the color had drained out. You would no longer smell delicious foods in the morning, the plants had all turned gray and brown, then shrunken. All the Pokemon had become boring, and grumpy. There was no snow, just the cold glare of the Winter moon. All the excitement was gone. It seemed like everyone was a robot. I assumed it was like this all the time, during the winter.

We had however made many new friends in the past! I even met another Snivy! everyone on the island was super nice! One of Irina's and my best friends was a Zorua named Minishada. Minishada was born in Black Forest. He was really nice, but got kind of grumpy sometimes.

Irina broke her ankle two weeks ago. She was running to work because she was late and she tripped and fell in a bad position, but tomorrow she had to go back to work, painting houses, and cleaning. I was working at an Italian restaurant called Pipiza's named after the owner who was an Infernape. At the store we made over twenty different pizzas! I was in charge of making, and preparing dough for the garlic, and cheese bread and pizzas. I worked there for 4 hours a day. Irina worked one hour before me and we got off at the same time. Life was getting very routine.

2 weeks later: Irina, and four other pokemon had gone missing! She went to work yesterday morning, and hadn't come back! This was most suspicious, because there has never been any crime on the island, no one new had come to the island either. The most suspicious thing though was that the first two Pokemon that had gone missing were... Death and her assistant!
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