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  #1    
Old September 3rd, 2012, 12:05 PM
xFireEagle29
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Chapter 1

Roy, an adamant and hyper active boy was anxious to start his scientific journey from the sandy beach of Pallet Town to the far and wide of the world. Even though he was only sixteen years old, he already matured enough to handle things on his own and not act like a baby time to time, unlike the rest of his family. With his adventure on his mind, he didn’t care much about his family and he also had an emotional side to his story; he thought a lot because of it. In the depression times, he would stay in his bedroom for days, not anxious or motivated for anything, but he still fought through it and cheered himself up. He wore a black hat, a white t-shirt with a black vest, black pants, and white shoes. Even though he didn’t dress that colorful, his personality was colorful and always smiled.

“Roy, you’re going to leave for your personal science experience, right?” his mother asked while he ran down the stairs.

“Yes I am mother, and I’m not sure when I’ll be back,” Roy said, grabbing his black and white backpack.

“Well, whenever you do come back, will you bring me a helper, like another body to help me with the house cleaning?” his mother asked.

“Mother, please,” Roy laughed. “Okay, I’ll bring a lady home for you, I promise.”

Roy smiled at his mother and walked outside to the cool fresh air, leaving the door open for his mother to see the outside, just cause she never seen the outside in so long. He grabbed his bike out of the garage and started to walk with it, not knowing he forgot his special companion. He gasped and wondered if he was going to die not knowing he left, so he ran back into the house, up the stairs, and into his bedroom. He stood there in one place and thought, trying to remember where he left it. Once he remembered, he looked under his bed and pulled out a Pokeball. He never told his friends what kind of Pokemon he had because they would’ve been jealous since it was the last one in Professor Oak’s laboratory.

“Here you go my friend, I almost forgot about you,” Roy said, holding the Pokeball in his hand. “Come on out will you.”

Roy opened the capsule and when the white light sprang out, he jumped back in fright and amazement. He forgot that he never played with his Charmander so long that he forgot what the Pokeball looked like even. When his friend Charmander came out, he was really happy to see Roy, having a big smile and jumping up and down. Since they reunited, they walked downstairs and said one last goodbye to his mom and left the building. Roy looked at Charmander and wondered why he never nicknamed him so he named his trusty Charmander Blaze, a good name for him since he had a fiery tale. Blaze crawled up on top of Roy’s head and stayed there while Roy started pedaling his bike. He kept on pedaling along the grassy path and suddenly, a bird came flew in front of him, losing his balance of the bike and ending up crashing against a tree.

“Oh man, that was a close one,” Roy said, having his head on the handle bars. “I hope you’re okay Blaze, I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Char-Charmander-Char,” Charmander yelped, jumping up and down.

“Yeah, even though you’re a Pokemon, I kind of know what you’re saying,” Roy said.

He got off the bike and looked up in the sky, wondering where that crazed bird came from and went to. Roy stopped and heard some chirping close by; he wondering where it came from. He told Blaze to search one tree while he searched the one next to it. Even though it was a piece of cake for Blaze, it was difficult for him to climb. He tried and tried to climb the tree as he looked at Blaze, going tree to tree without any problems at all. When Blaze screeched, he looked where Blaze was and jumped off his first tree, heading towards where he was. Blaze was looking at the bird that made Roy crash and he was looking at the bird mean. Roy looked up high in the tree and saw Blaze in the sight of the bird and commanded Blaze to attack.

“Scratch now, Blaze!” Roy commanded, pointing at the bird.

Blaze mean mugged the bird and ran towards it unexpectedly, hitting it with full force. It fell towards the ground and when Roy had a good eye at it, it was a Pidgey and he looked surprised. The Pidgey got up and soared at Blaze, attacking him with all its might.

“Okay Blaze, use scratch again!” Roy commanded.

Blaze got up off the ground and aimed for the Pidgey, running towards it, attacking it again. Roy knew that the Pidgey was starting to get weak, so he unzipped his backpack and grabbed a Pokeball. He looked at it and then looked at the Pidgey, hoping he could catch it with one shot. So, he threw the Pokeball at the Pidgey and seeing the ball capsule opening, the white flash glared at Pidgey, transferring itself in the capsule and suddenly closed. Both Blaze and Roy was excited to see that Pidgey was successfully inside the capsuled ball, but when they both looked at it, they saw it moving back and forth numerous times, hoping that it was a successful capture. A couple seconds later it was, and both Blaze and Roy was even happier than it was just inside the capsule.

“Yes, we did it Blaze!” Roy exclaimed to Blaze happily.

They gave each other a high five, still dancing away because they caught their first Pokemon of their journey. Even though their journey just started, they had a lot to do and their first scientific research was how the Pidgey entered this world. Even though his thoughts will be only a theory of how they came into the universe, at least it was the start of the research. So instead of just standing there and wondering where the Pidgey originated, they continued walking the grassy path since his bike was totaled. They kept on walking in the hot sun, Roy still thinking about the Pidgey, it suddenly became cloudy. Clouds were a warning meaning it’ll rain and it was a scarce moment for Blaze. Roy didn’t want his pal to die so he took off his vest and covered Blaze from the falling rain and ran towards the nearest city.
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  #2    
Old September 3rd, 2012, 06:48 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Huh. Let's brush the formalities aside and start with the reviewing:

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Roy, an adamant and hyper active boy was anxious to start his scientific journey from the sandy beach of Pallet Town to the far and wide of the world.
Show, don't tell. It's a very simple concept. Do not, under any circumstance, tell the readers how the main character is like in the first sentence. This sentence alone made me want to back out of the page. It's far more entertaining - and better writing - if you characterize Roy through his actions, dialogue, and thoughts rather than you blatantly saying how he is. What's the point in reading ahead if some questions are already answered?

I bolded the last bit because I found it worded terribly awkwardly. Try saying it out loud, and if you stumble on a few words, it clearly needs some changing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Even though he was only sixteen years old, he already matured enough to handle things on his own and not act like a baby time to time, unlike the rest of his family.
Sixteen years old is by no standards young. In some African tribes boys are turned into men by the age of twelve or thirteen. Their trials are boys diving off the edge of a tower connected only by a rope made of jungle twine. So it's expected for a guy his age to be somewhat mature. Look, ten year olds go on Pokemon journeys. Why would anyone even worry about him acting childish? And I'm sure his family isn't that immature either. They seemed to be the type of parents to keep their son home from a Pokemon journey until age sixteen, which is very late as far as canon goes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
With his adventure on his mind, he didn’t care much about his family and he also had an emotional side to his story; he thought a lot because of it. In the depression times, he would stay in his bedroom for days, not anxious or motivated for anything, but he still fought through it and cheered himself up.
What the heck is going on? I have no idea where this 'emotional side' is coming from; it seems random. So does Roy have clinical depression or what? It's not very well explained, so I don't get it. What is this emotional side? What's he thinking about?

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
He wore a black hat, a white t-shirt with a black vest, black pants, and white shoes. Even though he didn’t dress that colorful, his personality was colorful and always smiled.
Bolded should be colorfully.

Also, never ever ever ever ever ever ever describe clothing, because no one cares and it isn't important to the story. Seriously, does clothing have anything to do with his journey? He's wearing rather plain clothing, but that's just about it. It's not significant nor is it important. Keep it out. His personality is what matters. A better would be his 'character.'

And his 'personality' doesn't seem to fit since you just said Roy suffers from depression or something.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
“Roy, you’re going to leave for your personal science experience, right?” his mother asked while he ran down the stairs.
Dude, what? 'Personal science experience?' What is this? Is Roy an undergraduate at Pallet Town University, so he has to research Pokemon for his biology class? What's going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
“Yes I am mother, and I’m not sure when I’ll be back,” Roy said, grabbing his black and white backpack.

“Well, whenever you do come back, will you bring me a helper, like another body to help me with the house cleaning?” his mother asked.

“Mother, please,” Roy laughed. “Okay, I’ll bring a lady home for you, I promise.”
This exchange completely refuted what you said before: Roy is friendly towards his parent, or at least his mom, and he somewhat cares for them.

And this was a terribly short and stoic bit of dialogue for something as significant as a boy running off to do 'research' on Pokemon for God knows how long. What kind of emotions are running through here? You just said Roy has some emotional problems, yet he's practically void of most personality in here as well as having a short 'goodbye' before leaving. That's not emotional at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Roy smiled at his mother and walked outside to the cool fresh air, leaving the door open for his mother to see the outside, just cause she never seen the outside in so long.
So like his mother lives in a cave, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
He gasped and wondered if he was going to die not knowing he left, so he ran back into the house, up the stairs, and into his bedroom.
Why would he die?

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
He stood there in one place and thought, trying to remember where he left it. Once he remembered, he looked under his bed and pulled out a Pokeball.
That's a peculiar place to put a PokeBall, mainly because you're going to be using that for a very long time, so you probably want it in your pocket or under your pillow where you can fondle it or something. The point being you don't forget your starter's PokeBall when going on a journey the next day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
He never told his friends what kind of Pokemon he had because they would’ve been jealous since it was the last one in Professor Oak’s laboratory.
Despite what the anime and game spout at you, I highly doubt Professor Oak has few Pokemon in his lab. Like seriously, he probably gives Pokemon out every year for new trainers, so he's got to have quite a few. And he has his Oak Ranch where he stores some Pokemon, and eggs are bound to pop up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Roy opened the capsule and when the white light sprang out, he jumped back in fright and amazement.
Just why? It's not a shock. It's just some light. There aren't any hands reaching out or anything like that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
He forgot that he never played with his Charmander so long that he forgot what the Pokeball looked like even.
Okay, I don't even have a PokeBall nor have I ever held one, yet I know that it's a ball colored red and white. Come on now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
When his friend Charmander came out, he was really happy to see Roy, having a big smile and jumping up and down.
Bolded should be 'smiling.' Having a big smile sounds weird when you have a better alternative.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Since they reunited, they walked downstairs and said one last goodbye to his mom and left the building.
Reunited is a bit off when it comes to word choice. They're not technically reunited since he's leaving again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Blaze crawled up on top of Roy’s head and stayed there while Roy started pedaling his bike.
Considering a Charmander isn't as small or fluffy as a Pikachu or something similar, this is extremely hard to accomplish along with being uncomfortable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
He kept on pedaling along the grassy path and suddenly, a bird came flew in front of him, losing his balance of the bike and ending up crashing against a tree.
As it reads now, the bird lost 'his balance.' Also, awkward wording. Fix it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
“Oh man, that was a close one,” Roy said, having his head on the handle bars.
Again, wording is weird. And then there's the problem that Roy just suffered brain damage by running his head into the handlebars.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
“Yeah, even though you’re a Pokemon, I kind of know what you’re saying,” Roy said.
I'm not sure if you have any idea how disjointing and weird this sentence sounds. It's like... it's like Roy knows or he's trying to know and he's telling the readers more than anything. It's almost like breaking the fourth, yet it's not. This sort of dialogue is not good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
He got off the bike and looked up in the sky, wondering where that crazed bird came from and went to.
Looking up at the sky won't tell you a thing. Birds don't leave air trails of feathers in the air from where they flew. He should really be looking where it went.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Roy stopped and heard some chirping close by; he wondering where it came from.
Semi-colons are used for separating two independent clauses. The second clause is dependent, not to mention the wording is just so weird.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
He told Blaze to search one tree while he searched the one next to it. Even though it was a piece of cake for Blaze, it was difficult for him to climb. He tried and tried to climb the tree as he looked at Blaze, going tree to tree without any problems at all.
There are quite a few qualms I have with this. First of all, how the hell is Blaze climbing up trees? As far as I know, salamanders aren't known to climb. In addition, why are they even bothering to look for the Pokemon? It's one Pokemon, and they really should worry about Roy's concussion more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
When Blaze screeched, he looked where Blaze was and jumped off his first tree, heading towards where he was.
I cannot, for the life of me, imagine a screeching Charmander.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Blaze was looking at the bird that made Roy crash and he was looking at the bird mean.
Do you look at stuff 'mean?' No. You look at stuff meanly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Roy looked up high in the tree and saw Blaze in the sight of the bird and commanded Blaze to attack.
Wording, yet again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Blaze mean mugged the bird and ran towards it unexpectedly, hitting it with full force.
What's mean mugged? This is utterly confusing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
It fell towards the ground and when Roy had a good eye at it, it was a Pidgey and he looked surprised.
Why is Roy surprised? How did he not see that it was a Pidgey?

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
He looked at it and then looked at the Pidgey, hoping he could catch it with one shot.
And why is he looking at stuff rather than throwing the damn ball?

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
So, he threw the Pokeball at the Pidgey and seeing the ball capsule opening, the white flash glared at Pidgey, transferring itself in the capsule and suddenly closed.
There are just so many transitive verbs used here, the flow doesn't work at all. It's stopped and disjointed, which makes it awkward to read.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Both Blaze and Roy was excited to see that Pidgey was successfully inside the capsuled ball...
Were. 'Was' is for singular subjects. You have two subjects here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
A couple seconds later it was, and both Blaze and Roy was even happier than it was just inside the capsule.
This is getting difficult.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Even though their journey just started, they had a lot to do and their first scientific research was how the Pidgey entered this world. Even though his thoughts will be only a theory of how they came into the universe, at least it was the start of the research.
What's going on here? To put it bluntly, that's a terrible question to ponder about if you're going around and catching Pokemon. Catching Pokemon will tell you nothing about its history or origins. Well, there is the possibility of relating bone structures and relate certain Pokemon to this genome among other things, but why is Roy doing it? He's sixteen. Professor Oak is much more qualified, and he was more resources at his disposal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Clouds were a warning meaning it’ll rain and it was a scarce moment for Blaze.
Depends on what clouds they are. Cirrus clouds don't cause rain.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xFireEagle29 View Post
Roy didn’t want his pal to die so he took off his vest and covered Blaze from the falling rain and ran towards the nearest city.
If he was that worried, just put Blaze bag in its PokeBall. Not that hard of a concept.

Alright, most of my nitpicks aside, I think it's safe to say there are some prevalent problems, most of which could be fixed relatively easily. I find that you have a bit of trouble with wording a few sentences. My main advice would be to proofread a bit more in-depth. I highly suggest that you read your story out loud to yourself. I also consider this mandatory at the moment. It's essential that your words flow nice and evenly, otherwise, it gets a bit harder to read. Reading out loud should help you find points in the story where some things just don't sound quite right, in which case you can change it. I'd also try to avoid using transitive verbs at the moment, because you tend to favor them, but they also sound a bit weird in some places.

There are few dashes of imagery, and I find it necessary in this chapter, especially for the scene where they catch a Pidgey. You seem to recognize the significance of catching their first Pokemon, yet you didn't do much else to make it seem more important. I feel that more descriptions about the battle would have helped. There are also very few emotions tied into the story, which I also believe is necessary. See, Roy is blank as a character. I know nothing about him, other than what you blatantly stated at the beginning of the chapter. And even then, he didn't come across to me as adamant or stoic. Well, he's a bit stoic, but that's mainly attributed to the fact that readers know almost nothing about him. You're vague when it comes to talking about his motivations as a trainer, his personality is in the mud, and I'm beginning to wonder what he's going on about when he means research. You should incorporate more of his thoughts into the narrative to make him more realistic. If not, then readers will have a hard time trying to connect with him. And you want readers to establish a connection with the protagonist.

Lastly, 'scientific research' is a nice twist on most journey fics, I'll give you that. But it's not properly described. I know nothing about it. There are also a few logical fallacies, because Roy doesn't seem to be working for a researcher nor is he one, so it begs the questions as to why he's doing that in the first place. And why isn't someone more qualified doing it? Chances are they already are. I feel like you should have explained this more. I don't know what's going on, and that troubles me. As a reader, I don't like being confused. From what I gathered, Roy isn't even much of a researcher, so putting that as his motivation doesn't sit well.

Anyway, there are many points for improvement. However, I do applaud that I didn't catch many spelling errors, so kudos there. The story's premise is interesting. It's a nice twist. But the execution wasn't quite there. I do believe that you can change this if you make a few adjustments. I'll be sure to keep an eye on this fic.
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