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  #1    
Old September 8th, 2012, 01:54 PM
Dragovian98's Avatar
Dragovian98
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Just a little bit of background, I created this story when I was about 8. It had absolutely terrible writing, not very many chapters, but a story that was pretty interesting. So I fleshed it out a lot, and got inspiration to begin writing it again. So without further ado, The Grim Reaper:

Prologue

New Haven City was an awe inspiring example of humanity as a whole. After the Third Great War of 2131, the most destructive and fatal conflict of human history at the time, America and Europe were left a shattered scar of their former selves. The distraught population fled to Africa to rebuild. Making a shaky truce with China, Russia, and Germany, humanity slowly began to rebuild. More and more refugees fled to the golden coasts of Africa, forming communities and new civilisations. On the south shore of Nigeria, Haven City arose. The world was truly at peace.

Or so it seemed.

For five centuries, humanity advanced in every way imaginable, building great bastions of power. Cities seem to rise everyday, with the amount of technological advancements that were made. However, with this great new power came the most dangerous weapon ever created: The Diova Bomb. The Diova Bomb could obliterate entire countries within the push of a button, a power that was previously unknown in humanity. In a rain of Diova fire, the world plummeted out of control. Africa, at the time the most powerful continent in the world, was destroyed within a matter of days. Barely one half of the entire population of the Earth survived, but they seemed to gather in the ruins of one particular city. That city was Haven City.

Within the smoldering ruins, people flocked to helped rebuild. And soon enough, humans had saved themselves from the brink of extinction. The christened this new city they had built as New Haven City, and it flourished. From there, humans spread out to reclaim lost land, and new world powers rose, with the most power coming from within New Haven City's walls.

Within New Haven City, technological advancement began to happen regularly, within a giant building known as The Worther Institute. Here, a lot of the city's residents found work. And by 3342, the Worther Institute had made a discovery that would shape humanity for the rest of time.

The Detorial Stone was discovered on the outskirts of New Haven. However, no one took notice at the time, as it only seemed like a stone with weird signs inscribed in it. However, one man took notice of it. He studied it whenever he could, and one day, he finally figured out what the signs on the Detorial Stone meant.

He probably wished he hadn't.

Last edited by Dragovian98; September 9th, 2012 at 07:08 AM.
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  #2    
Old September 8th, 2012, 06:39 PM
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Phantom
Uh, I didn't do it...
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Hmm it's a bit short for my liking, and there are a few things I'd like to point out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragovian98 View Post
The distraught population fled to Africa, to rebuild.
No need for that comma.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragovian98 View Post
Making a shaky truce with China, Russia, and Germany, who had obliterated the modern world, humanity slowly began to rebuild.
Hmm, at this point in the overview we don't know who obliterated what.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragovian98 View Post
More and more refugees fled to the golden coasts of Africa, forming communities and new civilisations. On the south shore of Nigeria, Haven City arose. The world was truly at peace.

Or so it seemed.
It might be a good idea to separate that last sentence into a 'paragraph' of it's own. It is a powerful line that is a turning point in the naration. It'll have more power on it's own and it looks out of place where it is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragovian98 View Post
For 5 centuries, humanity advanced in every way imaginable, building great bastions of power.
It's usually standard that numbers under 100 are written out. So 'five' not '5'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragovian98 View Post
Cities seem to rise everyday, with the amount of technological advancements that were made. However, with this great new power came the most dangerous weapon ever created: The Diova Bomb.
Phantom suggests a semicolon instead.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragovian98 View Post
The Diova Bomb could obliterate entire countries within the push of a button, and it wasn't long before this power became too much.
Well, because of the previous sentence we already know it was too much. Again you're telling us something we already were told.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragovian98 View Post
In a rain of Diova fire, the world plummeted out of control. Africa, at the time the most powerful continent in the world, was destroyed within a matter of days. Barely one eighth of the entire population of the Earth survived, but they seemed to gather in the ruins of one particular city. This city was Haven City.
Tense change, last sentence. I'd suggest 'that' not 'this'.

Also one eighth? Not taking into account this imaginary war, the planet's current population is 7 billion. One eighth of that is 875 million. That's... unseemly. Now the last World War brought us down about 78 million dead, and that's only a estimate. Combined WWI and II, that'd be 115 million.

That's just. Insane numbers. Even with population regrowth, it's doubtful that it would ever reach what it was before things got screwy again. Ouch.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragovian98 View Post
The christened this new city they had built New Haven City, and it flourished.
Missing 'as'.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragovian98 View Post
The Detorial Stone was dug up from the outskirts of New Haven. However, nobody took notice at the time, as it only seemed like a stone with weird signs inscribed in it.

However, one man took notice of it. He studied it whenever he could, and one day, he finally figured out what the signs on the Detorial Stone meant.

He probably wished he hadn't.
Should be 'no one' not 'nobody'. And I would use 'discovered' rather than 'dug up'.

And really? No one? Even after the findings of things like the Rosetta stone, no one bothered to double check it? Ever? I know this is a plot point, but that's hard to believe.
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  #3    
Old September 9th, 2012, 08:18 AM
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Dragovian98
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Thank you for the help, Phantom. I have went back and fixed the prologue. Anyway here's chapter 1, which I wrote a few weeks back:

Chapter 1- The Detorial Stone

Another night of pointless study was in order for Jacob Hinder. It seemed every scientist who worked in The Worther Institute had made some form of ground-breaking discovery, apart from him. So when the mysterious stone that he dubbed the 'Detorial Stone' was discovered, he was determined to figure out what the ominous markings on it meant.

This was another night of uploading examples of the markings to the Institute's database, and comparing them to whatever language he could. There was slight similarities here and there; some markings being reminiscent of Egyptian Hieroglyphics, while others resembled an old Scottish tongue. However, none of these leads proved to be a breakthrough.

Jacob swatted some of his now greasy hair from in front of his eyeglasses. He hadn't been home in days, because he believed this stone would be his salvation. He would unlock its' secrets and become revered throughout the scientific world. His now rocky relationship with his wife, Lucy, would be fixed, and his son, Simon, would come to respect him.

He sat there, his earthy brown eyes piercing the stone with their gaze. He sighed heavily, forcing a cough out. This is when Jacob noticed that his throat was incredibly dry, and rough, almost as if he'd been shovelling sand down it for the past hour. Spluttering, he got out his chair, and crossed his office to reach the door.

It was right in the middle of the night, and he hadn't even been bothered to turn a light on. Through the darkness of his study he could see all his equipment. His telescope, gazing out into the vastness of space, highly flammable chemicals which sat high up out of the way of everything else, and sitting idly on his desk, The Detorial Stone.

He stopped to appreciate the comforting silence of the room before opening the door into the winding hallways of the Institute. He would have go head to the main room, and teleport down to the vending machines from there.  Jacob speed walked down the hall, looking at the ground and day-dreaming about fame. 

As he walked, he felt something bump into him, and force him to the ground. He felt his eyeglasses scarper from his face, and clang into a nearby wall. He crawled over to pick them up, and placed them on to figure out who or what he'd bumped into.

Looking up, he seen it was Ethan, one of his colleagues who worked a few offices down from him. He wasn't someone Jacob was particularly fond of, but he respected his work nevertheless.

"You okay, mate?"Ethan chuckled heartily, offering Jacob a hand off the ground. Jacob clasped it and stood up, brushing down his slightly off-coloured lab coat.

"I'm okay, thanks"Jacob replied, obviously not as amused as Ethan was about the situation. Ethan, still chuckling, began to make small talk:

"So how's Lucy been, and you're daughter umm...'Ethan struggled to remember what Jacob's child's name was, becoming embarrassed. "Ellie? No um... Jade? Carol?"

Jacob shot him a steely glint. "My 'daughter' is a boy, Simon's his name, he's fine thanks for asking"replied Jacob. "As for Lucy, let's just say we've began to drift apart lately, she complains that I work too much"he continued. Ethan laughed.

"Well I'm not surprised"he replied. "You've been holed up in that office for days now, surely some silly stone can't be as important as keeping a gem like Lucy"

Jacob, now visibly angry, retaliated:

"Watch how you talk about my wife, her and my work are none of your business, and i'll have you know I've almost cracked the code of this 'silly stone'"he aggressively told Ethan, who was now feeling incredibly awkward.

"Well, I better head off.. Uh.. Reports! Reports to hand in, you know?"Ethan stammered nervously. Jacob nodded, as Ethan left him, almost jogging away from him down the hall.

Jacob sighed, walking further down the hall, thinking the whole way about what a smug rat Ethan was. He opened the door to the main room, a place that never ceased to amaze him.

There was lab-coated scientists, running frantically back and forth, conducting experiments and filling out reports. Flying all around the room were the Winged Nanobots, which repaired any broken machinery, many of them mantained the reactor's cooling levels, making sure it didn't overheat, and cleared up the chaotic mess left by the scientists. Jacob darted over to a teleporter at the far left of the room, which was the one that led him to the cafeteria.

Jacob entered it, and was instantly whizzed to the cafeteria. He went straight over to the vending machine, inserted his money, and received some bottled water. He opened it up immediately, the crystal clear water refreshing his whole body. His throat was no longer as dry as it had been. He teleported back to the main room satisfied, and from there walked back to his office.

Jacob switched a light on, and slouched back on his office chair. He gulped down the last of his water, and chucked it in the bin. He again began comparing the stone to other languages from the database, and found himself engrossed in his studies soon enough.

It was after sifting through Latin and Ancient Roman Numerals he had an idea spark in his head. What if the Detorial Stone's signs weren't letters?

What if they were numbers?

He furiously began comparing the signs to Latin numerals, and it all began to click into place. He grabbed a scrap piece of paper, and noted the numbers. 

19  57  42 

He sighed. After all these months of research, of study, risking his marriage and relationship with his son, there was no cryptic message, no directions to create more technology, no directions to treasure.

Just numbers. He picked up the nearest object he could find, a bin, and hurled it across the room, sending garbage all across the room. At the end of the room, the bin collided with Jacob's telescope. The telescope crashed to the ground.

Jacob ran over to stand it up right again, and make sure there was no major damage. And then, while looking at all the dials on the telescope, it all clicked into place.

What if these numbers weren't just numbers, but co-ordinates?

He began to turn the dials.

19

57

42

His hands trembled as he looked into the telescope. It was such a long shot, such an insanely stupid idea: how would people this long ago plan co-ordinates in the night sky? When he looked he found...

Nothing. And that is what intrigued him. In this area of space, there was no planets, no stars, no galaxy clusters or anything. But, this nothingness was in a roughly circular shape. 

In the shape of a planet. A planet that must have been so dark, that nobody had took notice. Jacob hastily scribbled down a report, and sprinted down the hallway to hand it in.

When Jacob began sprinting down the hallway, he noticed halfway down the lights were out. He didn't have the time to turn it on, he needed to get to the main room.

As he ran through the darkness, he tripped over something. Something big. He couldn't tell what it was through the darkness, do he was now forced to switch the light on. It was when he turned it on he noticed that his hand felt wet. He looked at it. Blood. With an overbearing unease, Jacob turned around to find out what he tripped over.

On the floor, was his boss, Arthur Bitneck, dead. Blood was leaking from a stab wound on his chest. He sprinted even faster to the main room, where he found a cluster of Winged Nanobots, destroyed on the ground. Machinery all around him was on fire, and nothing was repairing it. There was nothing to mantain the reactors cooling levels.

The reactor was going to overheat. 

Jacob ran to the reactor settings module, trying desperately  to enter in the emergency shut down codes. They wouldn't work. He knew he wouldn't be able to escape. He sighed.

Jacob couldn't let his work go unnoticed though. He opened a window, and threw his report out hoping someone, somewhere would find it like he found The Detorial Stone. 

As he watched it float to the ground, an insanely loud noise deafened him, as the reactor exploded with enough force to decimate The Worther Institute.

On this day, Jacob Hinder discovered a new planet.

On this day, Jacob Hinder doomed ours.

Last edited by Dragovian98; September 10th, 2012 at 10:36 AM.
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  #4    
Old September 20th, 2012, 12:00 PM
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Dragovian98
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Chapter 2- From Father to Son


With the Worther Institute being decimated in the hazy twilight between dawn and dusk, the sky glowed orange with the flames of former discovery. New Haven City slept through the chaos, but the disaster they awoke to was a crushing blow to humanity.

Simon Hinder was one of the people who awoke to the pandemonium, but before he noticed it the morning began like every other. He hauled himself out of his bed, peeking into his parents room to see if his father had finally returned from his work. As was to be expected now, his father was not in his bed that morning.

Only Simon's mother, Lucy, was in her bed. Simon sighed. His mother looked terrible with worry, her usually colourful complexion had been replaced by one of ghostly paleness. Her hair was matted in knots, and Simon could have swore even her hair had become paler. He decided to make his mother breakfast, in the hopes of lifting her spirits a little.

He stumbled downstairs, still in that hazy half-asleep state. He flicked his hair as he weakly opened the door.

"I really need a haircut"he whispered to himself. Simon ransacked the cupboards, looking for something his mother would enjoy. There was basically nothing apart from bacon and cereal. Simon groaned, there was no use having bacon by itself.

He looked around for some bread, to make a sandwich and bacon, but he couldn't find any in the kitchen. His feet were beginning to get cold on the marble floor, and so he retreated to the carpeted living room.

As Simon walked into the living room, he noticed two plastic bags in the corner, filled with groceries. He chuckled to himself, even when his mother was as stressed as she was, she still found time to do the shopping.

Simon looked through the bags and found two loaves of bread. Before going back in the kitchen with them, he switched the television on. After this he made his mother's breakfast. He was absolutely starving himself, his mouth watering with the smell of freshly cooked bacon, but he figure that he would have some later. As Simon walked back into the living room, he noticed a building on fire on the news on tv.

The Worther Institute was on fire.

Simon, in shock, dropped his mother's breakfast. He grabbed the remote and turned up the volume on the tv. He hoped to God that everyone made it out okay. Simon listened to the news report closely.

'In the early hours of this morning, the reactor in the Worther Institute failed to be cooled by the Institute's Winged Nanobots, and so the reactor caused a devastating explosion. Sources have led us to believe that nobody made it out alive.

Simon's whole body went numb. One thought played on land on in his head like a broken record, and refused to stop. His mind was clouded, his body shook violently with the hidden emotion that would not come out. He couldn't wrap his head round it.

His father was dead.

Just like almost all events in his young life, Simon had absolutely no control over the situation. It pained him to the very core not just that his father had passed, but he would have to tell his mother.

Simon, who was on the verge of tears himself, crept up the stairs and slowly opened his mother's bedroom door. She was still peacefully sleeping, not knowing what events had befallen her husband.

"Mum..."Simon called out weakly. His mother shuffled in her sleep, her eyes fluttering open.

"Simon, what are you-"

"Mum, please, don't make this harder for me, for us all, than it needs to be"

Simon's mother instantly realised something was wrong. She shot up bolt upright in her bed, the tiredness instantly fading away.

"Simon, what is up"

Simon's tears came closer. He felt like a massive lump was stuck in his throat.

"Simon?"his mother repeated softly.

"It... It's dad mum.. Dad he..."Simon struggled.

No, he told himself. His mother needed to know.

"There was an accident at the Worther Institute last night. Mum... Nobody made it out alive"

An ethereal shriek shot out from Simon's mother. Simon tried to hold back his own tears, but seeing his mother under such emotional pain forced the unfathomable sadness out from him.

A few hours passed, Simon and his mother trying in vain to come to terms with the pain they were going through. Simon and his mother decided to visit the ruins of the Worther Institute.

When they got there, the tears began to flow again. Simon looked about. Lots of people had came out, but the police had erected a barrier to stop people getting right into the ruins.

Simon's greasy, matted hair blew in the fierce wind. Dust and ashes spiralled around. That's when something smacked Simon in the back of the head. Simon turned, a scrap of paper lay at his feet. It was signed:

Jacob Hinder, Worther Institute

Simon grabbed at it ferociously. There was a note scribbled down.

'I have finally cracked the secret of the Detorial Stone. The markings inscribed turned out to be co-ordinates, for a telescope. When used, I found a previously undiscovered planet, so dark that we have never found it before. I suggest we try man a mission, as I feel something may be waiting for humanity up there"

Simon smiled through his tears. His father had managed to finish his work. He decided right there and right then, he was going to make sure his father's work wasn't in vain.
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