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  #1    
Old September 4th, 2012, 03:00 AM
Hopeless Desires
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Gender: Female
Author Hopeless Desires
Warnings: Sad themes, abandonment, hurt, grief, and character death.
Rating: PG. Parent Guidance Recommended.
_____________________________________________

"Ash" Delia's gentle voice asked.


"Are you alright?" She knocked softly on the door, "Ash, open the door right now!"


Ash opened his lips, his voice blank and cold, "I'm fine."


Delia bit her lip, Ash had been doing sulking in his room ever since she told him about that.
She sighed, a ghost like smile on her face as she was reminded how stubborn Ash is and how similar that he is to his Fath- Crash.


Delia stumbled in fright, "Ash," She shrieked,"What are you doing in the-.

The door slammed open, revealing a young boy with messy black hair, his chocolate hues dull, his pale form trembling.
Delia caught a peek at what Ash had broken, and stared in horror at the expensive framed newspaper front cover about Ash.


"Why would you of all people care," He yelled, something wet forming in the corner of his Chocolate orbs,


"You lied to me! Your my mother, your supposed to tell me everything!" his voice dripping with venom.


As sudden as the outburst came, the silence also took over.
The atmosphere was very silent, and very awkward, and if Delia had a knife, she swore she could have cut it.
She lowered her eyes, suddenly finding her Green gardening boots rather interesting.


"Why?"

The question confused Delia, as she looked up with Mahogany eyes.


"What d-"


"Why did you stop my journey, why did you lie to me?"
____________________________________________________________
It had been only an hour later that Delia had gotten a magnifecent idea.
Delia grabbed the phone sitting exactly next to her.
She bit her lower lip before dialing a number.
After two beeps, she had gotten a reply.
It was a sophisticated young voice, her voice cold enough to scare a large Pokemon away,


"Family Grace CEO talking"

Delia took a deep, trembling breath.
"It's me, Delia." She croaked, awaiting the person on the other phone to remember her.


One moment later, she got a reply, "6:00 P.M, CEO guest room #784" Beep went the telephone.
________________________________________________________________



Delia sat herself against the velvet couch, laying her purse next to her, she was dressed in a simple pencil skirt and shirt with a black unbuttoned blazer on top of it, her auburn hair in a french braid, strands of her hair falling into her face.


Her expression blank, her eyes glazed over, she stared at the floor as a million of jumbled thoughts crossed her mind.


An ivory door straight in front of her, clicked open at that moment, breaking Delia's Trance.


A young woman dressed in a lovely mix of fabrics creating a subtle and sophisticated look with a black velvet body with a sweetheart neckline, chiffon sleeves and shoulder pads came from beyond the door.


"Delia." She acknowledged.


"Grace" Delia replied


As they were both seated in a chair, the silence was broken, "What are you planning, Delia?"


The ghost of a smile broke on Delia's face,"I wouldn't be with --------- if I revealed it to you, would?"
________________________________________________________________
Ash laid his head on the wet pillow, he closed his eyes and waited for any signs of Delia being awake or at home.


A few minutes of silence passed by, before Ash opened his eyes, he stood up, strode to the door.


He took a moment to glance at his desk, he stared blankly at his old League's Cap, before opening the door and walking out, not even sparing a glance at the glass-covered floor.


It felt odd, he thought, not wearing his league's cap, the one he got from his Father.


Him, just the thought of him made him puke a little in his mouth, he was another reason why Ash didn't wear his cap.
He walked down the long stair, reached the Oak front door, grabbed his stylish black coat, opened the door, and walked out of his home, then walked out of his town, and now, his short life.
______________________________________________________


Meanwhile, Delia was now having a staring contest with Grace.
After a few moments, Grace gave up.
Grace sighed, lifting her eyelids, she smiled at Delia.


"I shall help you, but for one price."


Delia smiled,"Ask away,Grace."


Grace smirked, "I thought you'd say that, I want you to -----


Delia's eyes widened, for what she said was -------
______________________________________________________________

A.N.
So, do you like it?
I appreciate reviews and any constructive Criticism.
Any flames will be taken and used as training for my fire-types.
Now on to the more important stuff.
More specifically, Oc/Fakemon submission:


POKEMON: WHY: JOURNEY THROUGHOUT KHIONE : OC SUBMISSION:
Rules: No Mary-sues. Anybody is allowed to submit an original character, even guests. No copying other Ocs. Anything in Bold you have to answer, any thing not in bold is extended, and you don't have to answer. You are allowed to have up to 10 Pokemon


Note: Quickly sign up to be a gym leader, or be apart of the Elite four, Or One of the Battle geniuses, Or a top coordinator.

Special Note: Some Lucky Reviewers will get be the champions of the other region, and even possibly the Khione region!

Deadline: December 1 for guests/Live journal/ Facebook Members, December 10 for Fanfiction/FictionPress Members, December 15 for deviantart members/PokeCommunity members.

Name:

Age:

Birthday:

Weakness:

General Clothes:

Skills as a Trainer/Coordinator: (Out of /10, and/or what she/he is good at in training or coordinating)

Appearance:


Color scheme:

Fave Pokemon types:

Occupation:

Short story:

Personality:

Pokemon Team:

Pokemon Moves: (If you don't want to do this, I'll do it)

Extra: (Tattoo, Birth Mark, Jewelry,etc)

A.N.
Thank you, Desiree-U for:

-Alisa

-Blanche

Thank you,Majarath
for the FakeMon and the great map base!


- And thank many others!

When I get A few reviews, I shall continue Writing this story, just so I know that somebody is actually reading it.


Copy right 2012
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  #2    
Old September 7th, 2012, 10:09 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Hopeless Desires, *sigh*, I love that name.

Quote:
Beep went the telephone.
"Moo", went the cow.
"Meh", went DarkIceForever

The story is missing a lot. The chapter started off weak in terms of grabbing my attention. I can't really imagine Ash screaming at his mom.

Quote:
You lied to me! Your my mother, your supposed to tell me everything!" his voice dripping with venom.
It doesn't fit the canon or whatever your using. Anime, or dang, what else is Ash in other than anime? Pokemon Puzzle Leauge? Ugh, I hated that game.

Sorry, out of context.

The Ash we all know is a naive and an ageless ten year old who seems to get weaker every pokemon season. Also, not many people may except your style of Ash because we already have this 'kid' imbedded into our memory. I don't think it's going to work. I'm not telling you to abandon ship, I'm just telling you, it's going to be tough.

And on top of that, not many people will find it popular.

Also 'orbs' isn't really a well liked description for eyes. It just doesn't sit well with people from what I've read. (From hundreds of other more sophistcated reviewers.) They just don't like it, and neither do I, unfortunetly.

I hope your not planning a role playing/ interactive fan-fiction. Those are also frowned upon on FF&W. Not sure, I've never seen one work in all honesty. I've given my own ideas to other authors only to have them screw it up in the end.

A while back I particpated in such a story. I wanted a tough kick a** robust dude, and what I got was a big, somewhat girly dude who only trains 'cute' pokemon. Yeah, it just happens. The author wants to mix things up and it only ends up making me upset, pissed even. Heh heh.

I recommend using your own characters. Get creative, that's what fan-fiction is all about.

PC is also slow with reviews. It's actually pretty discouraging when somebody doesn't reply to your work. But, if you really enjoy writing, then regardless if anybody reads it or not keep at it.

It doesn't sound fun, but I guess you just have to hope for the best.

Grammer fixes.

Quote:
Delia bit her lip, Ash had been doing sulking in his room ever since she told him about that.
Delia bit her lip. Ash had been sulking in his room ever since she told him about that.

Quote:
magnifecent
magnificent

Quote:
Delia took a deep, trembling breath.
No comma because the subject of the sentence doesn't change.

Delia took a trembling deep breath.

Quote:
The question confused Delia, as she looked up with Mahogany eyes.
Lower case mahogany, since it isn't at the start of the sentence.

Quote:
He walked down the long stair, reached the Oak front door, grabbed his stylish black coat, opened the door, and walked out of his home, then walked out of his town, and now, his short life.
What do you mean he walked out of his short life? You mean he walked out of the life he once had? Also, it seems that this sentence should have really been a paragraph full of discription. You need to explain things more. By the way, who really cares if his coat is stylish or not was it really necessary? Go into things like scenery, trail conditions, people walking around, ect. It gives readers a better idea of the world your trying to set-up.

Anyhow that's a good little overview of things. Hope I helped.

Last edited by DarkIceForever; September 8th, 2012 at 09:40 AM. Reason: HEYHEYHEYHEYEHYEHEY! I say HEY! What's going on?
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  #3    
Old September 8th, 2012, 07:00 PM
PhantomX0990's Avatar
PhantomX0990
Uh, I didn't do it.
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Minnesota
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
Now for Phantom to delve into the grammatical corrections a little further.

There is a general misunderstanding of dialogue punctuation. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I will explain new errors as I come across, but I'm not rewriting it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeless Desires View Post
"Ash" Delia's gentle voice asked.
It should be: "Ash?" Deliah's gentle voice asked.

It's a question. Add a question mark.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeless Desires View Post
"Are you alright?" She knocked softly on the door, "Ash, open the door right now!"
It should be: "Are you alright?" She knocked softly on the door. "Ash, open the door right now!"

Knocking on the door is a action, but not the actual speaking action. No comma, it's a full stop. Check over this, you do this multiple times throughout the fic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeless Desires View Post
Delia bit her lip, Ash had been doing sulking in his room ever since she told him about that.
She sighed, a ghost like smile on her face as she was reminded how stubborn Ash is and how similar that he is to his Fath- Crash.
You're missing the space inbetween the paragraphs here. Also, what is with that last sentence? It's not dialogue, it's naration. That interruption is breaking away from the point and seriously for a second I was wondering what in the hell a Fath - Crash was.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeless Desires View Post
Delia stumbled in fright, "Ash," She shrieked,"What are you doing in the-."
This should be: Delia stumbled in fright. "Ash," she shrieked, "what are you doing in there?"

Don't bother cutting it off, I think it works better with the full word. Also, note the punctuation on the dialogue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeless Desires View Post
The door slammed open, revealing a young boy with messy black hair, his chocolate hues dull, his pale form trembling.
Delia caught a peek at what Ash had broken, and stared in horror at the expensive framed newspaper front cover about Ash.
Space, again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeless Desires View Post
"Why would you of all people care," He yelled, something wet forming in the corner of his Chocolate orbs,
"You lied to me! Your my mother, your supposed to tell me everything!" his voice dripping with venom.
Should be: "Why would you of all people care?" he yelled, something wet forming in the corner of his chocolate orbs. "You lied to me! You're my mother, you're supposed to tell me everything!" his voice dripping with venom.

Chocolate orbs? Sounds like a trollfic.


I'm going to stop here. There are so many repeated errors that it'd be like rewriting the story. They are easy to catch, and are common errors; IE 'your' vs 'you're'. Either review your work a little more closely or use a spell check program.

Otherwise DarkIceForever pointed out a quite a few good things too.
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