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  #1    
Old November 9th, 2013 (06:18 AM).
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Faygrim Faygrim is offline
The Consuming Darkness....
 
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Prologue: Reason....

A beautiful day dawns in the mysterious new land of Vanguard, where a new adventure is about to unfold. What do these fields and hills, these forests and valleys hold for us? The greatest and most mind blowing mystery of all: the world of Pokémon. Flying though the vast skies, swimming in the ample oceans, running the bountiful lands. Pokémon be our friends and companions, our partners and for some, our bane. For me, Pokémon was the start of my investigation; too find that which hid from me, from the world. My name is Shino and this is my story.

I huddled under my blanket as the thunder crashed outside like a thousand boulders slamming against the skies. The lightening illuminated my mother's face as she knelt before my bed, her smile warm and knowing. Comforting me against the night's storm.

"Be still Shino." She had told me, her hand so cool on my cheek. "Storms are nothing to be afraid of. You will be just fine."

... But that same night as she went downstairs to find out what had caused a crashing noise, it had happened. She didn't come back, plus she promised she would sleep with me. I was afraid but no afraid enough to go see what was wrong. It looked like the rain was subsiding to. It was a mere drizzle now. So I slipped down the staircase quiet as a rattata holding my stuffed froakie close to my chest and what I saw there was enough to make a boys mind turn to insanity, crazed fright. She laid at the bottom of the stairs her dressing gown torn and as the lightening flash I saw it was also bloody. My knees began to tremble as I beheld the terrible scene before me. A towering figure of which face I couldn't see stood over her, claws extended from arms that were way too long to be humans. It gave a haunting cry that made my scalp itch. What Pokémon would do such a horrid thing? I don't remember if I passed out while screaming but when the professor found me he said that I had been unharmed but my mother was dead. The Pokémon that did it was never caught. I have always wondered what its name was but I never after that night two years ago, saw a Pokémon who resembled that murderer. Oh I remember that outline well, if I ever saw it. I will know. I have searched but never seen it before or since. I know it’s out there and with my tenth birthday will begin the real search to find the Pokémon who killed my mom.

****

The professor woke me early the morning of my tenth birthday like it was any other day. The sun was blazing and from my room above the lab I could see new trainers coming to collect their starter Pokémon from my guardian. Professor Willow was a very nice woman. She took me in after my mom died and has been very nice to me for the past two years. Now I will be able to pay her back by helping with her research. I was just about to jump out of bed when Coustii came into my room.

“Hey you, if you don't hurry all the starters will be gone." She said leaning against my doorway and tossing up a pokeball all important.

Coustianna was the professor's daughter and only child. You could say she was a long time friend of mine, but there was something about her that rubbed me the wrong way. She had her mother's blond curls and eyes that were so blue they were like a piece of sky.

"So what did you get?" I asked softly, knowing it was killing her to show off.

Her grin was like haunters on Halloween.

“I decided to forgo normal starters and get me something that's my favorite type."

I frowned. Wasn't her favorite type steel? I was most sure it was. She always kept mentioning something about 'stiff defense' and 'hard attacks'. It made me laugh allot, but I’m not sure why.

I got off my bed and started to undress so I could change.

"Hey. Have some manners Shino. I am standing here." Coustii suddenly shouted turning away her ears bright red.

"So what is it you got? Mawile? Aron? “I asked not paying much attention.

"I'll.......tell you later. So hurry down."

She was gone so fast I didn't get to even ask her what her problem was.

***

When I did come down to breakfast the only one there was Professor Willows Wynaut, sitting on the table.

“Morning Wynaut, where's everyone?"

"Wyyy!" It replied pointing at the door to the lab.

"Thanks." I said giving it a pet on the head.

I grabbed me a slice of toast and a glass of orange juice before heading into the lab. Only Willow, Coustii and a guy I had never seen were there.

"Shino, I thought you had died in your sleep. Good morning." Willow joked. I like her half hearted jokes.

I nodded since my mouth was full.

“You are the last here, but don't worry, I saved you a Pokémon for your own." Willow continued pointing to a black and white pokeball on her desk.

I had never seen a ball that color. It doesn't matter which Pokémon I start with. Once I found that Pokémon I would caught it......then....what?

As I walked over to the desk Professor Willow continued to speak.

"You three are on luck. I decided to forgo the usual starters with these three Pokémon and try something new. Usually you'd get basic element starters. Water, Grass and Fire, but today I decided on a new set of elements. Dark, Fighting and Psychic."


Despite my uncaring attitude to which starter I received, I felt a slight excitement build within me.
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Old November 13th, 2013 (07:12 PM).
Dillon1102 Dillon1102 is offline
 
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I'm really looking forward to this series especially the differant trio of starter types
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Old November 14th, 2013 (05:13 AM).
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Faygrim Faygrim is offline
The Consuming Darkness....
 
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Lol. Yeah. I was making plans for the next chapter. Will be out soon. Thanks for reading my sucky work.
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Old November 15th, 2013 (07:06 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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Hi there!

I'll give a few general comments, and start off with the presentation which is why I'm mostly being broad in my comments. You generally want to avoid using a different font colour to the default, as it can actually be far harder to read. For example, I'm using a rather dark forum skin colour, so purple makes my eyes hurt when I try to read the story. And this is never a good thing when you're trying to attract readers. So remove the purple I suggest and go for the default.

On that note, also remove the centreing - again, it's not a format people are generally used to reading stories in, especially on forums, so stick to the default left alignment.

The intro is an interesting premise for motivation for someone to go on an adventure, if a rather grim and ambitious target for a ten year old. The beginning was maybe a little overwritten, but it seemed decently done overall. And there's some characterisation as well which is nice to see.

Watch out for typos and errors however:
Quote:
For me, Pokémon was the start of my investigation; too find that which hid from me, from the world.
to, rather than too.
Quote:
"Be still Shino." She had told me, her hand so cool on my cheek.
With dialogue, only finish with a full stop if the sentence ends there (e.g. '"Hello." Then I danced.'). If what follows the dialogue 'flows on' and continues the sentence (e.g. '"Hello," he said.'), then you should use something else instead like a comma and treat the whole part as one sentence, not two (and hence not use a capital in the middle of the whole sentence - ie change She to she. A couple more examples:
Quote:
“Hey you, if you don't hurry all the starters will be gone." She said
This should be '...will be gone," she said.' Notice that the full stop became a comma, and 'She' --> 'she.' A good way to check which to use is to read aloud, and to consider the part following the dialogue. Does 'She said.' sound like a complete sentence by itself? If note, then it's continuing from the dialogue and so go with ," she said.
Quote:
I am standing here." Coustii suddenly shouted turning away her ears bright red.
So here for example, you want to replace the full stop after 'here' with a comma (or exclamation mark would also work, e.g. '"I am shouting!" yelled the man.'. Just not a full stop. That's English for you. =p) If it doesn't make sense I can explain again in more detail and not at a late hour for myself; just ask. =)
Quote:
She laid at the bottom of the stairs her dressing gown torn and as the lightening flash I saw it was also bloody.
flashed.
Quote:
It made me laugh allot,
a lot. Be sure to run your writing through a spell/grammar check so small typos like this are prevented.
Quote:
"You three are on luck.
in luck, I believe.

That's all I have for now, as said it was a bit hard to read due to the presentation, so I suggest changing that. Good luck with your fic!
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