The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.


Reply
Click here to go to the first staff post in this thread.  
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old October 25th, 2012, 09:10 AM
Demon Lord Ghirahim's Avatar
Demon Lord Ghirahim
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Kidderminster, England
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Jay, Relah, Reb and J.R... A quartet of best friends.

CHAPTER 1 – Aspertia City Set off!
This story is 5 years after Pokémon Black 2 & White 2! So it's 7 years after Black & White! Aspertia now takes up some more of Unova Route 19. “RELAH'S HERE!!” I had woke up to my mom. Then I realised... I'm 14 and a ½! Time to get my Pokémon! Outside, Relah had gave me the Pokémon I picked 2 days prior. A level 1 Snivy! It was now Level 5 though. Rebecca and J.R came running down the street! “Hey, guys! Want to have a 2 on 2 battle” J.R exclaimed. He had always been a fast runner (and talker for that matter). So it was 2 on 2. Me and Relah VS. J.R and Rebecca!
Relah had chose a Oshawott, J.R had a Tepig, and Reb had a Deino! “DEINO! USE DRAGON RAGE!” Reb commanded! “Oshawott, counter with Water gun!” Relah screamed! Would the water soak Deino? or will Deino's rage defeat Oshawott?

Last edited by Demon Lord Ghirahim; October 25th, 2012 at 10:52 AM. Reason: Deino doesn't learn Dragon Breath until Lv.17.
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old October 25th, 2012, 12:06 PM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
Gender: Male
Nature: Careful
So this is your first Fan Fiction right? I'm going to be a little harsh here, so don't get discouraged, so let's start now. BTW, this is my first review, so I might not make sense.

Ok, when you try to type your story, try to space out your stories, because that from quickly looking at this, it's just one paragraph. That's not even proper indenting and just reading one paragraph of a story is pretty annoying. And try to space out the title from the actual story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Demon Lord Ghirahim View Post
This story is 5 years after Pokémon Black 2 & White 2! So it's 7 years after Black & White! Aspertia now takes up some more of Unova Route 19. “RELAH'S HERE!!” I had woke up to my mom. Then I realised... I'm 14 and a ½! Time to get my Pokémon!
This starts off with lacking detail. You should have given imagery in this, because it looks rushed. Give imagery at where he starts off and what he does, even when he tries to go and wake up his mom by saying "I rushed off towards my mom's room in a flash. Feeling delirious like a Chimchar, I then continuously shake my mom's body like if I were molding clay."

It looks as if it was typed in less than a minute. And give information on Jay, because we don't know who he is or about his backstory a bit. Also, you have a spelling error. It should be "realized".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Demon Lord Ghirahim View Post
Relah had gave me the Pokémon I picked 2 days prior. A level 1 Snivy! It was now Level 5 though. Rebecca and J.R came running down the street!

“Hey, guys! Want to have a 2 on 2 battle” J.R exclaimed.

He had always been a fast runner (and talker for that matter). So it was 2 on 2. Me and Relah VS. J.R and Rebecca!
Okay, format this correctly, because it's unnecessary for parenthesizing the words. You should have said: "He's always been a very fast runner, like if you would challenge in a race, you would see him sprint like a Jolteon. And he's always a big mouth that's like a leaking faucet."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Demon Lord Ghirahim View Post
Relah had chose a Oshawott, J.R had a Tepig, and Reb had a Deino! “DEINO! USE DRAGON RAGE!” Reb commanded! “Oshawott, counter with Water gun!” Relah screamed! Would the water soak Deino? or will Deino's rage defeat Oshawott?
This shows lack of emotion while doing battling. You should have typed on how Relah and Oshawott felt when the fiery, raging blast of Deino was about to reach to them. And how it ends is totally uninteresting with it. It's not a cliffhanger.


Overall, I see that you do have potential there, but it needs a lot of work, let me repeat them again:

Mainly you need to indent and format your sentences correctly, because reading a block as a page is a total eyesore. Also, work on the grammar and the tenses. Had is past, as in before it happened, and Has is present, as in right now.

Next, try to add vividness, because reading your story is very boring. I mean really, who wants to read:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Demon Lord Ghirahim View Post
Rebecca and J.R came running down the street!
To be honest, but I wasn't really hooked into this story, I mean, it's just a regular story. Many people might find it that too just from reading this. Also, levels are not in Fan Fictions, you're typing this as if it was a game or something. I'm not trying to say that you're a bad writer, but you need to improve a lot, then I'll try to look at this again.

Head on the Writer's Lounge because that there are a few threads that can totally help your problems. And one more thing, try to look at other people's fan fictions and see on how they did it, because it can really help.
__________________

Last edited by Volcanix769; October 25th, 2012 at 12:28 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old October 26th, 2012, 01:25 AM
Demon Lord Ghirahim's Avatar
Demon Lord Ghirahim
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Kidderminster, England
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
I'm going to take your advice. I could've done better, but I wrote this about 5 days before. I was really tired at that time. It really downgrades my writing.
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old October 26th, 2012, 01:27 AM
Demon Lord Ghirahim's Avatar
Demon Lord Ghirahim
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Kidderminster, England
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Oh, and how do you do paragraphs here?
Reply With Quote
  #5    
Old October 26th, 2012, 01:34 AM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
Gender: Male
Nature: Careful
Just easy, just space out every sentence that's finished or have no connection towards the others.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #6    
Old October 26th, 2012, 01:45 AM
Demon Lord Ghirahim's Avatar
Demon Lord Ghirahim
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Kidderminster, England
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Could I use what you said I should of writ?
Reply With Quote
  #7    
Old October 26th, 2012, 11:16 AM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Just easy, just space out every sentence that's finished or have no connection towards the others.
To add onto this, just hit the Enter button twice to make a new paragraph.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Demon Lord Ghirahim View Post
Could I use what you said I should of writ?
If you mean using exactly what Volcanix wrote, I wouldn't advise doing that. That's stealing another person's work. You can look at what he wrote and think about how to write in that style for your story. Plus, Volcanix has his own unique style of writing, and if yours doesn't match his, that one part would be really obvious.

Quote:
I was really tired at that time. It really downgrades my writing.
Understandable. The same thing happens to me as well. The best thing to do is go back to your story when you're more awake and fix it up before you post it. This way, we get to see your better writing instead of your tired writing.
__________________
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 01:50 PM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.